The Rosie and Roula Show

233: Jealousy in Relationships - It's Not Always A Red Flag (Here's Why)

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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0:00 | 20:13

Jealousy gets a bad reputation, but what if it isn’t always toxic or controlling? In this episode, Rosie and Roula unpack a real-life situation that sparked jealousy, control, vulnerability, and a deeper conversation about love languages, boundaries, and emotional safety in relationships. They talk honestly about owning jealousy without shame, the difference between control and communication, and how unmet needs can quietly turn into resentment when they’re not voiced. This is a nuanced conversation about trust, compromise, and why jealousy might actually be pointing you toward something important.

Topics covered

  • Jealousy in relationships and why it shows up
  • The difference between control and vulnerability
  • Love languages and unmet emotional needs
  • Dancing as a love language
  • Boundaries, safety, and emotional honesty
  • Why avoiding jealousy conversations can cause more harm

Have you ever felt jealous but didn’t say anything because you didn’t want to seem needy or controlling?


Related episodes:

31: Is Jealousy Actually Healthy?

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Roula (00:00)
I'm so surprised that my cats didn't come to harass me. It's been a while. Yeah. It's really cold now. Maybe it will snow the coming two days. You see I'm wearing a turtle neck. And my cats, I think they hate the weather. They're not going outside. They just want to stay in. And I got with me a Merino wool blanket from Scotland.

Rosie (00:03)
That's unusual, Mmm.

Yes.

Roula (00:29)
They're loving it. But I cannot wash it and it's not for them. I got it for my husband. And they're like, go and do biscuits on it. They just make dough on it. They know what quality wool is. If I buy them synthetic wool to wrap, like to play with, they don't touch it. If it's real wool, they love it.

Rosie (00:34)
Yes!

Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, they don't want it. Wow.

Such snobs.

I, Roula, want to revisit a

Roula (01:11)
Rosie, I'm doing a lot of talking, I hate it.

Rosie (01:14)
I'm

doing a lot of talking. I'm introducing the episode. Thank you. So you can listen I want to revisit jealousy. ⁓ yes. That was clever. Roula. That was clever. If you missed that, Roula just said rosiandroula.com /coffee That is where you can buy us a coffee so we can sit down with you, dear listener and drink our coffee.

Roula (01:18)
Okay.

rosieandrula.com forward slash coffee

Rosie (01:37)
as we do the episode. Sit down for a chat, you know? But, you sidelined me, Roula. I want to talk about jealousy. It's a topic we have discussed before. I'll put the episode number in the description. But I know you have had some new thoughts on this. I remember you mentioning that you've had some new thoughts around jealousy. Yeah.

Roula (01:58)
Yeah, yes,

yes, I do. Do mean that I start? Okay, my listeners, my dear listeners, some of you will relate to this, rather you are bullied for it, or you are feeling it. And hear me out, this is what's gonna happen. So, last week, I went for a few days away with my daughter.

Rosie (02:04)
Let's hear it. Yes, please. I want to hear it.

Mmm.

Roula (02:29)
And it included a Friday. The Friday, there was some R &B party, dancing party, and my friend asked me if I want to go, because they have tickets for it. I told her I can't go. I won't be in the country. She said, do you think that your husband would like to go? I told her I don't think I like him to go. So no, I don't want him to go.

Rosie (02:55)
Mmm.

Roula (02:58)
So she started teasing me. ⁓ you're jealous. You don't let him go. You're And I didn't get into this conversation with her. But when I left, I was reflecting. Yes, I'm jealous. Is it a kind of controlling on this situation? Maybe. But why? And I told my husband.

Rosie (03:02)
Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Roula (03:22)
I told him there's a party and they ask if you would like to join. And I said, no, I don't like him to join. So for him, it was like you're taking decisions on my behalf. And I'm like, hear me out first. OK. I took a decision for him. It's controlling. It's not kind. I told him that.

Rosie (03:24)
Is

Yes.

Roula (03:45)
is one of my love languages.

And dancing with him is something I long to do. And if when it doesn't happen, I try to search for places so we can go and dance together because this is a very important love language of mine. And I'm not saying dancing is a love language. I'm saying dancing is my one of my love languages. And he said, ⁓

I didn't know that. I told him, yes, because we had conversation about our love languages and I don't remember if I put dancing in there. if I cannot dance with you, there is no way I'm going to accept that you dance with someone else.

Rosie (04:29)
Mm.

What did he say?

Roula (04:42)
still thinking, but this is a form of control. You you are controlling where I'm going to go. And I said to him, look at it this way. I rarely say no for you going doing things. I don't. If our schedule allow it, I never say no. Even when you go to a party with your guys friends, I don't say no. It's a totally different situation.

Rosie (04:45)
Mm.

Yes.

Roula (05:08)
But if you go alone dancing or if it's a party where only couples are there, no, it's I'm jealous of this. I'm downright jealous and I'm not fucking embarrassed to say I'm jealous. People hold it against my friend holds it against me, like she said it in a playful, laughing way, like, ⁓ it's jealous. She was. Yeah, I don't I don't hold her hold it against her.

Rosie (05:24)
you

But she was shaming you. Yeah.

No, it's a natural thing that we all do. Yes.

Roula (05:35)
It's a normal behavior. It's a natural thing.

Yeah at that time and I felt I'm jealous because of this I'm gonna voice that I'm jealous. I'm not going to feel embarrassed because I'm jealous and if this will be a cause of argument With whomever with my husband with my friend, etc. This means they do not respect my love language

Rosie (06:05)
Whoa.

Roula (06:07)
And yeah, it is a form of control. I cannot deny this.

Rosie (06:13)
Mm-hmm. So I'm busting to hear what, where did this go with your husband after you shared this with him?

Roula (06:16)
Yeah.

No, no, he understood. He fully understood. Yeah, No, no, he didn't. And he understood that this is my love language and he knows that I have a need and a desire to do something fun with him every now and then. And dancing is one of the it's on top of my list, dancing with him. Because he likes to dance, I like to dance. We made a great dancing couple on the dance floor.

Rosie (06:22)
Okay, so he was like okay and then he didn't go.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Roula (06:50)
and

I cherish this. I don't want to share it. Now, if we're together dancing and he's dancing with someone else, it's fine. I'm there. We're having fun, etc. But not when I'm not there.

Rosie (07:02)
Okay.

Ooh, gosh, this is just so... Wow. I have so many thoughts. I want to start by saying this is a really refreshing conversation. You just say, yeah, I was jealous. Yes, I was being controlling. And here is why. You're not. It didn't feel like you were justifying it. Even though in a way you were, it didn't feel like you were being defensive. It's like, well, no, I'm jealous.

I said, no, I don't want you going. And here is why. And actually it made me go, yeah, wow. I can see how important that was to you and sort of get an insight as to why it was important. But then I go, well,

It's really good your husband listened to that and took it on board. But what's important to me is I think it was still his decision whether or not to go. But whatever decision he chose to make, there would be a consequence, right? Like if he listened to you and he said, right, I respect that. However, I would like to go to this party. I'm sure that really would have hurt, right?

Roula (08:14)
big time.

Rosie (08:16)
Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (08:17)
This was also a point that we talked about. If we're married and I cannot voice a jealousy because it's hard to voice a jealousy. You're being vulnerable. You're being needy or not self-confident or letting the other feel that you don't trust them. It has so much to it, the feeling of jealousy. Okay.

Rosie (08:27)
Yes.

Hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (08:46)
And I think if we're a couple, we're in a relationship and voicing my jealousy and my desire to not that he doesn't dance somewhere else except with me on that day, on that occasion. OK, I'm not saying it's every time on that occasion. If if this will be seen as good, you said your opinion, you're jealous, et cetera, but I'm still going to do what I'm going to do.

Rosie (09:03)
Right, right.

Roula (09:16)
This will make me question how safe in ⁓ my relationship to say this hurts me and I don't want you to do it. Even if he so badly wants to do it, knowing it hurts me and doing it, this makes me rethink the safety I have in the relationship. And he has and it's the same for him. You know, if he voiced something to me and I still go and do it.

Rosie (09:36)
⁓ you know, I, yeah, yeah.

Roula (09:46)
He must question how safe is he in voicing his desire.

Rosie (09:55)
This is hard. You know, this is bringing up a few things to me because my previous relationship wasn't very healthy and it took until after I left it to go, wow, that was very manipulative of my ex. There were certain things she would not want me to do. And I'm a very independent person and I like to be autonomous and often I would say, well, I'm going to do it. It's my decision. And then.

there would be this barrage of manipulative behaviour afterwards because I chose, for example, to go catch up with a friend. But I think I need to be careful not to project that experience because I think that's an unhealthy example. Whereas what you're talking about

Roula (10:43)
Did your ex tell you why she doesn't want you to go? And was it every time you want to go she says no? Because this is the difference.

Rosie (10:46)
No.

Yes, every time,

every time. Or sometimes it wouldn't be said and then I'd just be punished when I got back, that sort of thing. So that is not, that's not a healthy relationship. Where I struggle a little bit.

Roula (10:56)
⁓ yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rosie (11:08)
you're talking about safety right? Like if you're very vulnerable and share that and then your partner knowing that their actions will hurt you does it anyway.

That's hard because where do you draw the line?

Roula (11:30)
That's a good question. And I ask myself this question because I don't want to be controlling. And everyone in a relationship have absolutely the right to do what they see fit for themselves. And relationships are compromising being considerate of each other. And this is situation where being considerate of my feelings means the world to me. And I won't punish him. I will reward him even. You know?

Rosie (11:33)
Mmm.

Roula (11:59)
It makes the love feel so much bigger in that moment. And if I was someone who would say no to whatever event he has because I'm jealous, that would be very bad for our relationship. And I would totally be controlling and he should not accept it at all. But I also this time I allowed myself.

Rosie (12:05)
you

Mm.

Right. Right.

Roula (12:27)
to say no so I don't get passive aggressive when this thing happened and I didn't say anything.

Rosie (12:31)
Yes,

yes, because I was about to say imagine if you felt that shame and you just squashed it down and didn't say anything and he went and like you just said probably would have got passive aggressive there would have been all these feelings and he would have been thinking what on earth is going on what did I do wrong yeah

Roula (12:49)
Exactly. I'm telling you,

I would have behaved like this for sure.

Rosie (12:54)
Yeah, think the key here is just communication, isn't it? You took accountability for your jealousy, you did some self-reflection and went, ⁓ this is why it makes me jealous. And then you shared that, which is so vulnerable and so scary. Your husband listened. And then he had to make a decision, didn't he?

Roula (13:19)
question for you about your previous relationship. ⁓ So your ex said no to lot of things you wanted to do. Were you doing enough things with her?

Rosie (13:20)
Yeah. ⁓ Yeah.

Well, see, this is the thing. Maybe not. But was that ever voiced by her? No. That's the problem.

Roula (13:36)
Yes, yeah. Because this is

mostly what happens is that this jealousy is not always it happens, but most of the time it's not coming from a controlling place. It's coming from a need, from a desire that is not met. And this jealousy is happening. And we don't talk about jealousy because we don't want to look weak. We don't want to sound needy. I'm going to repeat all the whole list. And then we don't say I'm jealous.

Rosie (13:50)
Mmm. Mmm.

Roula (14:04)
No, I am the jealous kind, but I'm not jealous in everything. And I'm surely not jealous when things are agreed on. And there is a clear, clear agreement, for example, for example, and this is something that couples don't talk about if we go dancing altogether. And I don't think I think that casually my husband and I talked about it, but I'm planning to have this conversation one day.

Rosie (14:05)
Yeah.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Roula (14:31)
This is what triggered this conversation. We were at a party dancing. We were with another couple. But the husband was dancing very in a sexy way with other girls. And the wife was dancing with us or with other people, but like just very dancing. Nothing weird about it. Platonic. Platonic. Yeah.

Rosie (14:42)
Mmm.

Just platonic and yeah, no sexual in you. Yeah.

Yeah.

Roula (14:57)
So when we went back home, I said, I noticed something that this couple dynamic, did they agree on it? That he's allowed to go and dance sexually with other on the dance floor and not with his wife? Because this is also possible. Maybe it's her turn on, maybe it's his turn on. These things are also allowed. It's not wrong if there's a conversation. So my husband was to me, oh, that's them. They're always been like this.

Rosie (15:16)
Right.

Roula (15:25)
And I'm like, this doesn't work for me. Because if we're together outside dancing, we need to have a clear agreement on what actions are we allowed to do that won't hurt the other. But again, yes, exactly. But again, dancing is a love language for me. So I noticed that maybe other people didn't notice because it's not their love language.

Rosie (15:27)
Yeah.

boundaries.

Because you're in a partnership, it's not just you anymore. Yes, there's other people's feelings involved. ⁓

The key is to talk about it. Yes.

Roula (15:54)
Yeah and don't be scared

to say what you're jealous of. Don't don't. If you feel safe even it will prove to you if it's a safe relationship or not and open up conversations about that.

Rosie (15:59)
Yes!

This is true.

This is true. But I think you also need to acknowledge you do not have control or the right to control the other person. You're sharing it and what they do with that information is outside of your control. And for you to try to manipulate that is not the way to go.

Roula (16:15)
Mmm. Yep.

Absolutely right. You are so right.

Yes. Let's take this example. And I don't know really what my reaction will be if my husband chose to go regarding how I'm feeling because I know it's his decision at the end, not mine. It's ultimate control if I say you're not getting out of the house. It's something I will not do. Right.

Rosie (16:35)
Hmm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Right, yeah, yeah.

Roula (16:54)
But then it's my reaction, my decision afterwards is I'm free to take whatever decision I see fit based on this action. It could be forgiving, could be talking, could be, it doesn't have to be negative, you know? ⁓ But yeah, being considerate and having this kind of relationship where there is support for when we are vulnerable.

Rosie (17:11)
Right, right, yeah.

Hmm.

Roula (17:23)
is very needed to help grow.

Rosie (17:25)
It is, and I

jealousy.

I don't think it's inherently a bad thing. I think it's a sign that something really matters to you. It is so important that you are feeling jealous. And I don't think we should be ashamed of that. It's a time to go, ⁓ wow, why, why am I feeling this strong reaction? Try to understand yourself better. And it might, if you are in a relationship, it could help make your relationship stronger or with your friends, whatever. But

you are going to understand yourself better and kind of what might trigger you as well. I know not to ask your husband out dancing, not that I ever would, I hate dancing.

Roula (18:07)
happened? No, don't. Then I'll be a

woman who's very dangerous and you should be aware of. You know, Rosie, had ⁓ a long time ago, we did this session with the coach coaching about just for fun, what are our love languages? And that's opened up for me so many facets that I could explain or put a sense to my jealousy.

Rosie (18:15)
Yeah, you would!

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, what a cool exercise. And who would have thought that dancing could be a love language? It's not something that immediately pops to my mind.

Roula (18:40)
Yeah.

Yeah, love language can be anything, anything. Really, yeah.

Rosie (18:50)
Anything, anything. Yeah, so

true.

Roula (18:54)
So, dear listeners, dancing is my love language. What's your love language? Go and explore it. It's fun.

Rosie (19:02)
Yeah. This is a good conversation. Okay. I shall. Me and Tilly will have a conversation. You wait. Her love language is throwing the ball.

Roula (19:04)
You too Rosie, explore it!

So sweet. Thank you for listening.

Bye.