The Rosie and Roula Show

239: The Problem With Saying “I’m Busy” When Someone Asks How You Are

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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0:00 | 15:34

“I’m busy.”

But… busy how? Overwhelmed? Coping? Struggling? Fine but stretched?

This episode starts with a simple question and quickly turns into a full-blown rant about one of Roula’s biggest communication pet peeves: using “I’m busy” as a default response when someone asks how you’re doing.

Roula explains why the phrase shuts conversations down, creates distance, and subtly suggests that one person’s time is more important than another’s. Rosie explores why so many of us fall back on it anyway, especially when we don’t actually want to open up or don’t think the other person really cares.

They unpack how “I’m busy” often replaces emotional honesty, how it shows up at work and in relationships, and why it can be a cry for help disguised as productivity. The conversation also touches on small talk, cultural habits, boundaries, and why we ask “how are you” when we don’t always want the real answer.

Roula also references communication expert Jefferson Fisher, whose take on busyness helped push this long-held irritation to the surface.

Topics covered:

  • Why “I’m busy” isn’t a real answer
  • How busyness shuts down connection
  • What people often mean when they say they’re busy
  • Emotional honesty vs social etiquette
  • Busyness, boundaries and efficiency at work
  • Small talk, cultural habits and fake check-ins
  • Better ways to answer “how are you?”

When someone asks how you are, what do you usually say — and what would a more honest answer sound like?

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Roula (00:01)
I have.

question.

Rosie (00:05)
Hmm?

Roula (00:07)
in a statement, opinion. Isn't this podcast all about we have an opinion and we talk about it.

Rosie (00:10)
So maybe you have an opinion.

Yeah, pretty much.

Roula (00:31)
do you feel when you ask someone how are you and their answer is I'm very busy or I'm too busy or I'm busy or let's meet I'm busy or my agenda is busy let me see so this word I'm busy how do you feel about it

Rosie (00:52)
It's almost like it shuts the conversation down. If it's just, I'm busy and there's no conversation around that. I don't actually think I've ever been told that.

Roula (01:05)
Really? you didn't pay attention

cause you're too busy

Rosie (01:14)
like resting bitch tongue

or whatever we called it.

think when I ask someone how they are, often people go, yeah, yeah, I'm busy, but good busy. That's something I've said before. It's kind of a bit of a cop out. It's not an answer of how you are at all. But I don't think when I've asked someone to do something.

I've said I'm beat.

Roula (01:38)
No, no, not to do something.

It's out of the context. The context is, yes, you ask something, someone how they are. And saying ⁓ it's been busy, but good busy. Does this describe how they are?

Rosie (01:52)
This describes what they've been doing. I don't think it's how.

Roula (01:55)
Cause they're the only

one busy?

Rosie (01:58)
Right, aren't we all busy?

Roula (02:01)
And this is why it pisses me off.

Rosie (02:02)
Yeah, it's... It

pisses you off!

Roula (02:06)
this should be the episode, this ticks me off.

Rosie (02:10)
Yeah.

Roula's pet peeve, one of many. Yeah, I mean, of course, of course, sometimes we're really busy. We are. We have busy seasons in life. But I do think it is a bit of a cop out if the response is, yeah, I'm busy. Just so busy, Roula so busy. If we then go into a conversation about what's going on in my life, then I think that's...

Roula (02:16)
One of many.

Rosie (02:37)
that's a bit different. But if the person almost just shuts down the conversation or that's the only thing they say, yeah, I think that is a bit of a cop out.

Roula (02:46)
You're so right. If that's the first thing they say. It's a cop out because, ⁓ so I'm like, I don't want to add this conversation on your schedule or I don't want you to stand here and talk to me for five minutes because you're busy. It shuts off the conversation. And for me, more than that. Do you really fucking think that you're the only one busy?

Rosie (03:05)
Mmm.

It's like they're insinuating you're not busy.

Roula (03:18)
Exactly. So if I'm asking you, how are you? Does mean that I'm not busy and you're busy? I'm asking how are you? You can tell me I'm feeling overwhelmed. ⁓ I'm juggling many things and I'm trying to figure out how to do it. This is telling me how you are, but telling me you're busy. For example, ⁓ what happens sometimes other than they say I'm busy.

They start counting all the things you're doing. I took this one to the hospital and I had to get the tickets from school and I was waiting for this doctor to call me and I had to do the grocery and tonight I'm going to cook. And this all by asking how are you? Because they think the other person, me or another person don't have responsibilities. They don't eat, they don't cook. Maybe they have other other stuff that keeps them busy.

And I really, my goal from this episode is just to help us and the listeners to find a different answer that I'm busy because you're not the only one who's busy. It means nothing when you say I'm busy. It doesn't make you more important. It doesn't make you more like doing something more precious. It means fucking nothing to say I'm busy.

Rosie (04:32)
Mmm.

You sound so

triggered on this. Is there a particular event that like has happened in the past that's caused you to feel this way or no?

Roula (04:51)
Now Rosie is analyzing my psyche. Is there a particular event that triggered me? Do I have a trauma from someone who told me they're busy? ⁓ What's happening to me? Who am I today?

Rosie (04:54)
Damn straight I am. It's psychologist time. Fuck yeah.

Gosh,

you're sassy, sassy today. You are very triggered by this. Yeah. I don't think people say it to make themselves sound more important or suggest that you're not busy, but it can come across that way.

Roula (05:11)
It's every person that tell me they're busy. Yeah.

Rosie (05:26)
I do wonder why sometimes we respond to saying I'm busy because that does not tell the other person how you are, how you're feeling.

Roula (05:36)
It tells me two things.

They're overwhelmed and they're crying for help.

Rosie (05:41)
Yes, exactly.

Well, there you go. Haven't you just changed your tune? You're saying they're arseholes. Aren't we all busy? But actually, yes, maybe they're overwhelmed and crying.

Roula (05:52)
But they are assholes because they can't find a way to relieve themselves and they keep saying I'm busy instead.

I'm being very judgmental today.

Rosie (06:01)
So how

should we respond when someone says I'm busy? I've just been so busy.

Roula (06:09)
If we, because our natural response is to step back and fear there's no room for the conversation.

⁓ and it's not on, on me who's asking the question to do anything. I can go and do whatever I want to do. But we could do when we ask the question is there. So what's can, what's keeping you busy today? How do you feel about being busy? Are you coping? Check on their probably mental health on their physical health. and these are the ones that are really overwhelming. There are others.

And I truly believe that because it's from my experience. I experienced that with so many people. It's just a way of describing themselves. I'm busy. Even at work, you have two colleagues. One keeps saying that they're busy and the other one doesn't say they're busy, but they're both doing the equal amount of work. The one who's saying I'm busy makes it look to the world that they're doing more work than the other one who's not saying anything. So it has a different.

Rosie (07:06)
train.

⁓

depends on the context maybe. ⁓

Roula (07:17)
It depends on the context

at work. It's it looks like they're doing more. Probably they're busy because they're not being efficient. And this from my corporate life experience, they feel so busy because they're not being efficient. They don't have boundaries, et cetera.

And I wonder the other person who is very busy and hearing that one saying I'm busy, how the fuck do they feel is like, do you live on this planet alone?

Rosie (07:42)
You

Roula (07:44)
You have the entire planet's work on your shoulders?

Rosie (07:49)
think the take home message here is don't tell Roula you're busy, even if you are busy. Don't you dare, because she's going to go off. No, I don't know. Talk to the hand, because the face ain't listening.

Roula (07:54)
No, my take out. OK, this is something. ⁓

My message in here is that when someone asks us how we're doing or if we're the person who want to say I'm busy, just take a deep breath, pause and say something relevant.

Because busy is not relevant. Something relevant, it could be, I'm feeling overwhelmed today.

Rosie (08:21)
Yeah.

Roula (08:28)
⁓ I wish I can ask someone to help me with something.

Or even say, I'm fine, thank you. You might even feel less busy if you say, I'm fine. you don't like that one.

Rosie (08:39)
⁓

That's also a cop out though. That's

a cop out. I'm fine.

Roula (08:49)
I'm fine. Depends how you say it.

Rosie (08:52)
Well, yeah, I'm saying it with attitude, but often when someone says they're fine, they're really not fine. At least in my experience. Then they're really not fine.

Roula (08:59)
And if they say I'm really fine?

⁓

okay. So what should they say if they're fine? They're doing fine.

Rosie (09:10)
This

is getting tricky because a big part of the equation here is often when people ask how you're doing, they don't actually care. They don't want to know. So often I will say, yeah, I'm not too bad. That's my go-to response. Because if someone asks how I'm doing and all of a sudden I go, I'm feeling so overwhelmed. This is going on. That's going on. They're just going to look at me go, what the I didn't want to know that.

Roula (09:33)
When someone tells me, ⁓ I'm not too bad, my question is, so what's bad? What's going on? So you're a little bit bad, and you're not too bad.

Rosie (09:39)
Wow, I love that. Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (09:46)
But this is honest.

Rosie (09:48)
Mm.

Roula (09:50)
When you say I'm not too bad, it's also you don't want to share, but you also don't want to fake that you're fine. You're just living life. Life is happening.

Rosie (09:54)
Right, yeah.

Yeah, for me it's like my middle ground. It's like I'm not totally shutting them out but I'm also not opening up a can of worms. ⁓ Yeah, it's tricky. I think a lot of people ask how are you and they don't give a shit.

Roula (10:09)
Yeah.

Should we stop asking how are you? Just say hi?

Rosie (10:17)
No,

well, what? Yeah, if you if you don't really want to know how they're actually doing, don't ask it. It's almost like it's this etiquette. Because I in the Netherlands, is this a thing? You'll go to the register at the shops and the checkout person will say, how are you doing today?

Roula (10:38)
No no no no no. No no no.

Rosie (10:39)
They don't do that. Well, here it's a thing. It's a thing

every time. And you are not going to tell them how you're doing every now and then the poor cashier will get someone who spills their life story. But they don't really want to know. Yeah. No, the other way around. No, no, customer might spill the life story when really the cashier didn't want to know. They were just asking, how are you? Because it's etiquette.

Roula (10:51)
Really? The cashier will spill their life story if you give an answer.

Then they should. Yeah, that's it's cultural. I'm not sure it's etiquette. I need to dig into this. Yeah.

Rosie (11:05)
But why?

Hmm. Yes.

You're the etiquette master. It's definitely a thing here. Oh, how are you going? That's a pretty Australian thing to do. How you going? How are you? Oh yeah, I'm good. How are you? Means nothing.

Roula (11:25)
Yeah, yeah. But now you're saying it with so much enthusiasm. I can't pronounce this word at the moment. Put a smile on your face and probably put a smile on the face of the other person.

Rosie (11:32)
Enthusiasm.

Yeah, it's a funny thing. That's true. It does put a smile, but it's also, it doesn't mean what it means. It doesn't mean how are you? Not really. If I see you, we'll go, how are you going? I've missed you so much. If I'm coming at you with that energy, you're not going to say, Rosie, I'm so fucking overwhelmed. There's so many things going on because we've just seen each other. We're excited. Whereas if we're sitting down one-on-one and I might say, how are you?

things for you right now. That's different.

Roula (12:14)
Wow. Maybe this falls under the connection talks, the small talks.

Rosie (12:21)
You reckon it's small talk. kind of is small talk. Yeah. It's definitely a thing in Australia.

Roula (12:24)
Yeah.

Well, you know, the bottom line in this episode is, ⁓ I'm busy, I'm too busy. I'm very busy. I've been busy. This this kills me. And and, know, actually. topic was on my mind for a very long time, and then I saw Jefferson Fisher, who made an episode about it.

Rosie (12:35)
that's right, yes.

Shut up with your busyness.

Huh?

Hmm?

Roula (12:53)
And maybe on his episode, if the listener don't know him, Jefferson Fisher, he's like a really good lawyer and given communication skills. ⁓ He tackled this topic. And I thought, if Jefferson is finding this so bad and not really nice in communicating, why would I shut my mouth and not say anything about it? Why would I be politically correct?

Rosie (13:15)
He would be a very busy person.

Roula (13:22)
But Jefferson, who is very famous, can allow himself to talk about it. Yeah.

Rosie (13:25)
He can talk about it. We can talk about it. Yeah.

I'm gonna have to go find that episode.

Roula (13:31)
Yeah, find it. I think he might have really good tips in it. And also something like more of a wake up call. Why are you saying I'm too busy? And about my opinion is genuine. It's not from Jefferson is how I feel all my life about it.

Rosie (13:43)
Yeah, yeah.

NNNN

or be more self-aware.

Roula (13:54)
Okay, listeners.

Yes.

Rosie (13:58)
Go be busy, listeners.

Roula (14:01)
Go be busy and if you're too busy to listen to our podcast, probably it will calm you down and slow you down. Try a few episodes. We talk about everything, about life, about sex, about relationship, about children, ⁓ hair, makeup, everything.

Rosie (14:14)
don't think someone who's busy

is going to be making it to the end of this episode. So we're preaching to the choir, but that's OK. Go tell someone in your life who says they're busy. Go tell them to listen to the Rosie and Roula show, because like Roula said, we talk about everything and we're awesome.

Roula (14:22)
Which into the-

yes we're busy now bye

Rosie (14:32)
Yes.

Bye!