34 Why Making Friends as Adults Is So Hard | Building Community, Finding Your People & Overcoming Loneliness

Why does making friends seem so much harder as an adult?

In this episode of Handmade Happiness, Jessica and Thomas have an honest conversation about friendship, loneliness, community, and the challenges of building meaningful relationships in adulthood.

After moving to Missouri and starting over in a new place, we've experienced firsthand how difficult and rewarding it can be to find your people and create community from scratch.

We discuss why friendship often came naturally as children but feels much more complicated as adults, the importance of shared interests and "third places," and what we've learned about building genuine connections through homesteading, homeschooling, church, farmers markets, quilting, and everyday life.

Whether you've recently moved, are struggling to find community, or simply want deeper friendships, this episode is an encouraging reminder that you're not alone and that meaningful relationships are worth the effort.

Find more resources, stories, and encouragement at The Lark Life.

Subscribe for more conversations about homesteading, family life, homemaking, handmade skills, homeschooling, and intentional living.

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Until next time, may you find joy in the simple things and beauty in the work of your hands.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Handmade Happiness, a podcast about simple living, handmade skills, and building a life rooted in what matters most. We talk about everything from homesteading and cooking from scratch to quilting, gardening, and raising capable kids. This is a place to slow down, learn new skills, and be reminded that a meaningful life is often built in the small everyday moments. If you enjoy today's conversation, you can follow or subscribe to the podcast wherever you're listening. That way, new episodes will just be there when you're ready for them. Now for today's episode. Hi there and welcome to Handmade Happiness. I'm Jessica.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

And I'm Thomas.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

And welcome back in for another conversation this week.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

That's right. Um It's been an interesting week.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

It's been a good week.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

It's been a good week.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

I uh made a career change. Uh not a career change, just a job change.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

A job change, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

Um but it's good. Opportunity and a little change of direction, change of scenery.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Uh more money.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

So it's good stuff. So it's good. Yeah. And we've been working around here summer has we're kind of getting into our summer routine with the kids. Everybody's kind of figuring out the new schedule and what our day looks like and enjoying sleeping late. They are enjoying sleeping late and getting to work in the garden in the evening. Um lots of good stuff.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

So yeah, you planted some uh what did you plant earlier? Some some comfrey.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Yeah. Some comfrey that we were given by one of the ladies that's been coming to my classes. Uh she has an abundance of it and she gave me some.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

So well and comfrey is a really good it does a really good job of bringing up nutrient from deep down. Oh, yeah. It has a good deep root system and it really's fabulous.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

It's gonna make the best mulch and fertilizer compost for our all of our garden stuff. It grows abundantly, so we should have an incredible source of great nutrients for our garden. Um, and the bees love it, which makes sense. I love it. Makes nice little flowers the bees like. So it should be good. Hopefully, we get all that going. So um, so you ready to get into this week's conversation?

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Yeah, this is an interesting, and we've said this before, but all all the things that we talk about are things that we have lived, right? Or like some a lot of the times it's where we're at right now. Like this we're doing these things. Um, so yeah, um I'm this is definitely something that's relevant for us right now.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Right now, yeah, the season that we're in. And I think relevant for a lot of people. I think a lot of people find ourselves in this situation. So um we're gonna be talking about why making friends as an adult can sometimes feel so hard. Um, and I think I watch our youngest, Nick. Um, he makes friends like instantly, you know, you're six years old, and so everybody Hi, I'm Nick.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

Want to be friends?

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Everybody's your friend instantly. And something happens when we become adults. And so we're gonna talk about some of the reasons maybe why uh it feels harder to make friends, and then kind of things that we've done since our move, because we completely left everybody network of people, so we didn't have any friends or family or anybody here, so we're having to build all of those relationships over again, um, and really being intentional to uh make that happen because it's not something that just happens all by itself. So we'll get into that um a little bit. So I guess what are what's your initial thoughts on why sometimes it feels so hard to make friends now that we've got to be able to do that. Like as an adult? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

I think, and we talked about this briefly earlier, that I think sometimes as adults we've gotten so accustomed to I hate to use the word judging, but we see somebody, we meet somebody, and within the first 30 seconds to a minute, we've kind of formed an image of that person in our mind, right? Yeah, they're wearing a certain outfit, dressed a certain way, um, hair, makeup, the you know, the look that they've got going on. Talking about certain things, whether it's curated or not, what they're drinking, you know, if they're holding, if somebody's holding a coffee mug, a travel mug, you think differently about them than if they're holding a monster, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:25

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Now, not necessarily bad or good either direction, but it's just that's a there all those little pieces form a an amalgam, I guess you will. Um, and it kind of you're like, oh, that informs me about this person, right? The way they talk, where they're from, the way they're dressed, all these things. And I think we as adults are so quick to do that because as we move through life, we're like, uh, don't really like that person. Uh well, they seem okay, you know, and we just kind of do that. And so a lot of times, because we have learned to be gun shy of certain looks or certain just the overall intention.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Anytime you're talking about building a relationship, that's an investment of your time. And so maybe you've gone down that path before and it was a waste of time. And so you're like, I don't have time to waste.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

Exactly. And and so I I think that's a lot of times that's just we are also because we have formed ourselves much further, we know who we are, and we already know I'm pretty sure you and I are not gonna get along that great, right? We might be like on good terms, but we're not gonna be friends, right? We're just not similar enough in the ways that matter. Um whereas kids, they just like, there's a kid, I'm a kid, hi, let's be friends. And you're like, okay, let's be friends, right? Oh yeah. And it's it's much simpler.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Um, but maybe maybe we make it too difficult, right? Maybe we should kind of take that that viewpoint of like, hey, you're people, we're people, like, let's hang out.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

Right?

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Something else that happens that I think is a big contributing factor. So when we were kids, we were thrown into situations every single day where we were forced to spend time with people. So you're at school for X number of hours a day with the same people all day, every day. You end up just by the nature of how much time you're spending together, you make friends. Um, you're on a sports team, or you're in a club, or whatever those extracurricular activities are. You are pushed into this group of people with a shared interest.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

Y'all are spending time together. You're going to make friends.

SPEAKER_02 6:38

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

But something happens when we become an adult and we stop, like we're not necessarily in those places. We we are at home and we go to work. And at work we're working, and at home we're, you know, by ourselves. And so if we don't find that place where we are spending time with people, then it I mean, it's impossible. We don't even have the opportunity to make friends because if we're not hanging out, you're coming and going from places, so you have acquaintances, you know of people, but you're not spending time together where you're having conversations and gradually learning more and more about those people to where you really can identify, oh, sure, I think we could be really good friends.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

You're not like casually getting to know multiple people.

SPEAKER_00 7:26

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:27

On a recurring basis, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:30

Um, just because you're not in the same space that they're in.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Yeah. Well, and I think like for me that's true. Since we've been here, probably ninety percent of the people that we hang out with, like that we would call our friends, virtually all of them are either people that I worked with or people we met at church. Not 90%, 99%. I mean, virtually everyone. Uh well, I take that back. Or that you work with, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Because of your connections at the store and and because of markets I'm doing or classes I'm teaching, but in those places where I'm repeatedly spending time.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

They're work-centric for sure. Right. Um, but and and in fairness, as adults, we do a lot of working, unfortunately, right? And so I guess that's normal for us to see those people on a recurring basis. And again, like you said, you get to know them because you have to work alongside them, and so eventually you figure they're you find some that you like, and or maybe some that you tolerate more than others, yeah, right, depending on where you work, but um, but yeah, I it's interesting that yeah, so much of it centers around work, and like, is that healthy even?

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Yeah, right. And I'm I'm also as we're having this conversation, I'm thinking through these things, and you were talking about how we form opinions about people. I remembered a book that I just picked up the last time we were at the bookstore. Um, and I cannot even remember the title. I'll put the title and the author in the show notes so that you can go check it out if you want to. But and I haven't even started reading it yet, but it was one of those books in the front that an employee had kind of written a little blurb about.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Oh, I curated for you, uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Um, and the story was actually written in Chinese by a Chinese author.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

I remember you picking that book up.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

And it's a story about a married couple who are a part of this book club, and how their view of themselves and their view of the other people around them was largely shaped by the books that they were reading, influenced by the perspectives they were getting from these books. Um, and so I'm like, what are some of the things maybe that are influencing our opinions of people that we as as we're meeting them? Because again, it takes time and repeated time together to build those friendships and relationships. So what are I guess some of the things that as we start spending time and having conversations as we go to these places, um, what are some of the things maybe that are kind of shaping your ideas about people shaping my ideas? Well or like how do you know, like, I think I can't. Right, like how do I decide?

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Oh, I could probably get along with them.

SPEAKER_00 10:15

Yeah, I this is somebody that I might purposely spend more time with to see if we could be better friends.

SPEAKER_01 10:21

Sure. I think whether for better or for worse, I think sometimes kind of like economic status can be a big deal. Um, and not because you don't want to be friends with wealthy people or with or with poor people, but a lot of times it's difficult to find common ground. Because like if you have a friend and they're wealthy, right? And they call you and they're like, hey, we're all going to this thing this weekend. Would you guys like to come? And I'm like, do you know what it costs times six for all of us to go to that thing? Like, I guess I can go work a week of overtime and maybe pay for that, right? And for them, that's just a weekend out, you know, that's like normal. And so a lot of times that makes it very difficult to even connect with those per those people because even the conversations they would have, uh the the things that they like to do, it's like, oh, we like to race, you know, our RV on the weekend. And and you're like, oh, well, that must be nice to afford to have the gas for that, much less the RV and the racing, you know, like I'm stupid, right? But but um I think that can be a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

But it's true, like then like if you discovered that person all would really have a great time, but just your inability to go, now you're not spending that time together, so you're not developing that relationship because you're not able to spend time together because you can't afford to.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Yeah, well, and and again, well, I mean, we've we have friends that are wealthier than us, significantly wealthier than us, but um finding those common ground places, right? So, like we had friends in Brownsville that were really well off, but they like to dove hunt, and I like to dove hunt, and I could manage to scrounge up some money for some shotgun shells, and so like we we were friends, right? And um we didn't meet at the car dealership where they bought their new trucks every year and a half, but um but but but it worked, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:21

Oh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

Um and we have friends now that are much more affluent than us, but because they are very aware of oh yeah, right, like they don't they don't wear that heavily, right? I think and they're very normal people and they eat barbecue and you know the you know oh yeah and so it's much easier to associate with them and to find commonality there. Um but some people are not that way. When and sometimes even on the other end of the spectrum, again, you are working so much just to make ends meet that there's just not time for oh for sure for sure hanging out, your schedule is so busy and you're taking every shift you can just so Right, which which again it makes the other end of the spectrum difficult because sometimes you want to be friends with somebody, but like you're almost afraid to invite them to something because like you don't want to make them feel bad. Like we've had friends that we knew like it's it's tight, yeah, right. And then so you're all you're a little bit limited in what you can even maybe propose at like I mean, obviously you guys can come over and hang out, we'll eat, right? And that's always that always works. And we've talked about hospitality before on this podcast that that's a great way to break down some of those barriers, but again, going out and doing something like literally virtually anything you would propose would be too expensive, or outside of what they should be spending on entertainment, and yeah, um that can be an awkward thing.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

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SPEAKER_01 15:28

Yeah, not just associates on friendly terms, but actual friends.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

And so let's talk about some of that. And I guess one of the things that's come up for me recently, um, I have met so many people this past year um because of Nicholas being in school.

SPEAKER_02 15:50

Yeah, true.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

And he is a super social guy, so he's got lots of friends. Um, and the kids in his class just adored him uh because he's a nice friendly guy.

SPEAKER_02 16:01

Frankly.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

Um, and so he got invited to different birthday parties throughout the year. So we got to go and meet parents, and they we invited them to come to our house. He told me names of you know, friends from school, so we got to meet a lot of parents, a lot of moms and dads are you know, with kids our age.

SPEAKER_01 16:23

Couple with kids.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

Um, and just this week, the library, so our library in town, they had we've had a great library, but they built a brand new library that is fabulous, and they kicked off their summer reading program, which they have an amazing summer reading program. They kicked that off this week with the big grand opening, and so it was a big deal. So the kids and I went to to that, and while we were there, um, again, it's a big thing in town, so there was a ton of people there. Nick spotted a couple of his friends from school, and so he was like, Oh, there's my mom, can I go see my friend Henry? And I was like, Sure, go see Henry.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

Yes, go see Henry.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

So he runs over, they give each other the I mean the biggest hug.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

They're because they're the best of friends, oh for sure.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

And they haven't seen each other in a whole entire week since summer vacation started, and you know, so they were running around playing, and the the bank was giving free hot dog lunch, so everybody got lunch, and so we sat down um with Henry's family. So Nick and I sat with Henry and his mom and his siblings, and we were sitting there talking, and as we start talking, come to find out, not only was Nick in his class at school, but they go to the same church that we go to. But since we have different services, we don't necessarily see them. So um I got to meet her and I invited her to like if she wanted to swap the phone numbers so that we could get the boys together. Either they could come here and play, or we can go meet at the park or meet at the library. And she was like, Yes, that'd be so great.

SPEAKER_02 18:03

Because I didn't get them out of the house.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

All it's all moms are looking for another adult human to talk to while their kids have you know somebody else to let them talk to someone besides me. And so Mom. That's one place where I have met a lot of people and have found people who are like it wasn't just me being new to this place looking for friends. There's people that have been here their whole life.

SPEAKER_01 18:28

They're still looking for friends. That are looking for friends.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Um, and so sometimes just having that simple little connection and having that little conversation leads to, you know.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

Well, and you mentioned something earlier that I think was important. We talked about that recurring casual contact, right? And um one of the ways that that I think is is the things that I think is important. If you go to church, obviously that's an easy one, right? Because uh hopefully you're seeing a lot of the same people at least once a week and you kind of get to know them. And yeah, um, and that one it I think is a lot of it depends on your level of involvement, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

How how connected do you want to be?

SPEAKER_00 19:13

Oh, for sure. And we saw that a lot when we were on staff. Oh, we were on staff.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

Yeah, there were people who were like plugged in, we knew them on first name basis, they were volunteering, and we their kids knew our kids.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

There were people who had been there one or two weeks and you already knew them very well, and then they were people who had been there for three years and you had never seen them before. Longer than that.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Yeah, we had we had people that would come and you're like, Oh, is this your first week? And they're like, Oh, I've been here for five years. And what they meant was they were there once a month or two.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:41

Quietly slipping in and out and not and choosing because we have you know, you have both. You have those who choose not to connect anywhere, they're there for religious reasons only. Yeah, they don't want to connect, they don't want to participate, they don't want to be in anything or know anybody, they're just in and out. But also just other places, there are other places where you have that level of connection, right? So if you have a local grocery store, even that you're in and out, and you're there on a weekly basis, and you're seeing the same cashiers and the same stalkers, or if you have um uh like homeschoolers, it that's an easy one. You have all the co-ops and you have there's groups that you can be a part of voluntarily where you will recurringly see the same people over and over, right? Um uh that we talked about co-ops, community classes, farmers markets. If you have a farmers market every week, like you're in the farmer's market, you're a vendor there. So there's people that relationships now that we have with all people in all manner of industries, yeah, because you're all vendors at the farmers market. So not only do you have a shared interest, right? So right off the bat, you have a shared interest, these are the kind of people that you're probably looking to hang out with, people that raise their own, you know, you name it, and people that like to sell it on occasion, and people that have a Thursday afternoon free to be at the farmers market, right? So they're already in your sphere of of like how you live and how those kind of things that overlaps. Um and then, like you said, libraries, churches, any of those places where you're frequenting them, it could even be a coffee shop, right?

SPEAKER_00 21:18

If you're into spending a lot of money on the show, but you really need that other place outside of human work, yes, yes, where you're repeatedly going that intentionally to spend time with other people, to run into the people that are there.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yeah, and sometimes some of it has gotten hard because I think we as people we don't gather anymore like we used to.

SPEAKER_00 21:42

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Right.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

Um and honestly, that's one of the things that I have enjoyed so much about being here is the community here. They do they do that really well, they have created a lot of spaces and opportunity for people to. Gather, which I really love. Now, again, could I live here and completely not be connected to any of that? Absolutely. But because we came and we were looking for that connectivity and trying to plug into places, um, we found a lot of places here where people gather at local shops at the libraries, well, even holiday events and things where the city puts on.

SPEAKER_01 22:25

But they do it in a really good way where it's very casual, very laid back, very social interaction. It's not a an event where you're just in the room with a bunch of people, but you don't talk to any of them. Right. Right? Like the Fourth of July thing that we do. That it's fantastic. And you're you're gonna run into plenty of people, you're gonna chat with plenty of people.

SPEAKER_00 22:46

When there's lots of opportunities here to get connected, volunteering and serving in the local community, so that's another great place to meet other people that like-minded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they also care about other people and are helping and serving and um your pet.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

Your dog, if you're in if you have a pet or a cat or uh whatever not that cats aren't pets. I didn't mean to make a distinction. Um but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:12

It came out that way.

SPEAKER_01 23:12

It can be, right? Dog park, right? You're um there are lots of ways that you can run into people and do it in such a way that you're already on some common ground. You share the same interests, the same hobby, the same beliefs, the same life patterns. Um we have a snow cone stand in town, and you run into all sorts of people at the snow cone stand because who doesn't love a good snow cone, especially because they're pretty affordable.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

And um and it's amazing if you just slow down long enough to like notice the people around you.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

That's a key.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Um and that's something that I used to be terrible at. I would have people tell me, Oh, I saw you at Walmart. I was screaming and waving your name, like all the and I and you didn't see me, and you just kept going, and I was like, I'm sorry. Um and that was like a wake-up to me that I need to pay attention to the people around me and be aware of what's happening around me.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

People are not obstacles to be avoided, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

Right. And and that some of them are. Some of them are well, and that we talked about this the other day too, is that so many people live their life like they're the main character, and everybody else is just a supporting character in their world. And when you realize that everybody has their own story, that everybody's got something going on, and when you start thinking about how those other people might be having a hard day, those other people might be looking for connectivity and a place to belong and people who care about them, and you could be that person just by looking up from your phone, slowing down, smiling and saying hello, like it doesn't have to be um this life-changing revolutionary, impactful moment. It literally can be a smile. And how many conversations have we had with people waiting in line because we just smiled and said hello?

SPEAKER_01 25:09

Well, a lot of people will talk, but they're not gonna talk first.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

Right.

SPEAKER_01 25:14

So if you're willing to be like, hey, how's your day going? to the cashier at the Casey's minimart, right?

SPEAKER_00 25:22

You might for. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

Okay, but but again, if you go into it knowing, hey, I might get a little more than I bargained for, all of a sudden, even if y'all don't hang out, like you might become their favorite customer really quickly, just because you were the one person who was like, hey, you're also a human.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Who made time to recognize them as a person, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:44

And I acknowledge that your job can be a difficult one, and I appreciate that, right? And that something as small as that can literally turn you into the the person they hope to see that day when they go to work.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:55

Um, and we've I think being vulnerable is a big part of that because when you invite someone to your house for coffee, they're coming into your house.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:03

And if you don't make a quarter million dollars a year, and you don't have a big, nice, fancy, clean house, because you have four kids, so our house is never clean. That you are always there all the frickin' time, but it's never clean.

SPEAKER_00 26:16

Because when you're always in it, there's happening, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:20

But let's be honest, their house looks like that too.

SPEAKER_00 26:23

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:23

Right? Like most people's houses are not entirely clean. They all have, you know, that one place, and they're like, oh yeah, we're we we're working on that room, you know. We're the clutter since 1983, you know, but yeah, the piles, right? But um, so so just that vulnerability and saying, hey, like, hey, here I am, Warts and all, if you would like to come drink some coffee at my house, I'll be vulnerable with you. And they're like, these people are being vulnerable. We should maybe, maybe these are the kind of people we should be friends with, because they're willing to invite us over and be vulnerable. And um, so we made some real good friends, even just here recently. Oh, yeah. Just because we said, hey, you know what? We see each other all the time, we should go get lunch. And we did, and lo and behold, they're a lot like us.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

So works all good, and it doesn't happen overnight.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

It doesn't, it takes time again. We've been here a full year actively, intentionally looking to build community, to build relationships, have been purposely putting ourselves in places repeatedly over and over again, week after week, to have conversations with people and still we're in this process of like where we're just now saying, like, oh yeah, we've got some friends. Um it takes time. And again, the friends that we have, they're not like friends that we had that we spent, you know, 10 years that they were basically family. We're not there yet.

SPEAKER_01 27:51

Right, because we haven't been here 10 years. Um, but you have to walk through things. Showing up and having the conversations and just making ourselves available to well, we have friends like uh for example at church, we have a small group, right, that we go to. And I would consider those people all to be friends. Oh yeah. Maybe not on the level of some of them, right? But but for that to happen, we had to go to group every week.

SPEAKER_00 28:20

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:21

Right, and some people they're I don't want to do that, you know, the time commitment and stuff.

SPEAKER_00 28:25

Um some nights it would have been easier to stay home.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 28:29

But we went easily so that we could connect with other people.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

Yeah, and and so we did the work. We went consistently, and we brought food when it was our turn, you know, and all those things.

SPEAKER_00 28:42

And lo and behold, how many friends you can make if you just show up with food that's good. That's good food, homemade good food.

SPEAKER_01 28:50

Everybody goes, Oh my god, girl, what how did you make this? And you're like, Well, you should come to my house and have coffee.

SPEAKER_00 28:55

That's a great way to make friends. Make them something delicious.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

If you can cook one thing really well, uh, make that one thing for those people. After that, they'll think you're a great cook, and then if you never cook for them again, it doesn't matter. They'll think you're a great cook. But they'll probably come to your house for coffee, hoping that maybe you have something else laying around.

SPEAKER_00 29:15

Oh yeah, they will. They will. Um yeah, so any other thoughts on that before we kind of wrap it up? I mean, I think we've covered, you know, you've gotta show up, you've gotta go to these places, you've gotta share your story and be vulnerable, you gotta pay attention to other people that are around you. Um you've gotta be willing to start the conversation.

SPEAKER_01 29:41

Yeah. I think sometimes you just get lucky too.

SPEAKER_00 29:45

Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

I I have a friend that I used to work with, and we're very close. And he and I are so different. Right? And that is something we didn't talk about.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

We are you don't have to be just like the people don't have to be just like you to be friends. Like I think sometimes we're looking for somebody who's just like us and thinks all the same things we do, and sometimes it's nice to have somebody that sees things a little bit differently than you do.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

Yeah. And we I mean he and I share like sense of humor and things like that, which is helpful, but we're very different. He's older than me, um, he's different from me, way different background, different lifestyle, just I mean, we're I don't want to get too far off into it, right? But I it's just we're just very different. But we're also like the best of friends. Just because that's how it worked out. Yeah. Whatever it is about me and about him, we we just really hit it off, and we anytime we hang out, we have a good time, end up laughing till we cry, and we have a cigar together. That maybe that's it, maybe it's the cigars. Um no, but but you know, we and again, we we used to work together, but um at some point you just you realize that um you you start to see somebody for who they are, right? Oh yeah. It's like you know what, warts and all, they accept me, and that makes it easy for me to accept them. And so, but one of you has to go first.

SPEAKER_00 31:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

Right? And so the more that you're willing to say, hey, you know what, I don't expect you to be perfect. Um, and and it makes it easier for them to accept you for who you are, because we're not perfect either.

SPEAKER_00 31:29

No.

SPEAKER_01 31:30

Right? We have we have our own flaws that we just don't see.

SPEAKER_00 31:33

If you think you are, that's why you're not making it.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

Yeah, that's why you don't have any friends because you think you're perfect. For sure. Like you said, I think just show up and then keep showing up and be a decent human being. Right? Like if you're terrible, you're probably not gonna make very many friends.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

But all right, so let's wrap it up with some encouragement for the people who are listening who maybe feel that same feeling that we have felt of like, I just wish I had some friends, and why is it so hard to make friends? Uh, what are some final words of encouragement that we can leave listeners with?

SPEAKER_01 32:11

Don't give up. I mean, like we experienced this in every place that we've ever lived. We've had periods where for a while we were just like, man, where where are our people? Usually the first several years, it's like yeah, for hard, stumbling around trying to find your people. And then sometimes it just happens, like I said, sometimes you get lucky, sometimes it just happens in spurts, right? Like there was, I think in Mississippi, we ended up making most of our friends within uh within a few months of each other. A lot of it, though, was because we started going to group, right? We started going to a connect group, and because we found people and they were already friends.

SPEAKER_00 32:51

And that one person had other friends that we ended up being best friends with because they were, you know, similar people. Exactly. You you connect with other people that you wouldn't have ever met before.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

And now that you mention that, some people are like super spreaders for friends. You know? Some people know everybody and they're friends with everybody. And if you meet that person and become their friend, you will inevitably become friends with their friends. And I don't know why that is. I'm sure there's psychology behind it and everything, but there are some people who are just really good at being a hub of a wheel to connect a bunch of people. And sometimes you just meet one of those people, and it's like all of a sudden you know everybody, and everybody's inviting you to birthday parties and to come over for coffee, and and hey, we're all going out to eat, y'all should come, that kind of thing. Um, so again, but I think you the the trick is you have to you have to keep looking. And um and you have to be someone that people want to be friends with.

SPEAKER_00 33:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:53

Right?

SPEAKER_00 33:53

Like if you're grouching and complaining, maybe quiet, that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 33:56

Yeah, yeah. But if you're negative and toxic and all those things, um maybe instead of worrying about getting friends, maybe you need to worry about getting healthy and then start looking for friends, right? Because even in that process, there are people who met their best friends at AA, or you know, I mean, pick pick the group at they in their lobby of their psychiatrist on.

SPEAKER_00 34:21

Right, because you're putting in the work, stories in. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. So you're not the only one. Keep showing up.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

It doesn't happen overnight.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

Be the one to start the conversation and yeah, be patient. It doesn't happen overnight. But it will happen if you keep showing up. It's bound to happen.

SPEAKER_01 34:38

The hardest part is just that first just introducing yourself.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:42

Right? Stepping out, not being a wallflower and saying my name is.

SPEAKER_00 34:47

The other thing that has helped me, so the older I get, uh when you're young, you think it's like only you, right? You're it's only you. Everybody else has a lot of people.

SPEAKER_01 34:56

We all have friends and I don't.

SPEAKER_00 34:57

And yeah, something must be wrong with you, right? But the older you the older I've gotten, I realize like everybody's got their things that they're insecure about. Everybody feels a little bit disconnected at times and feels lonely and is looking for this sense of belonging and community. And so when you stop thinking that you're the only one, and then instead of being so insecure, you just just go for it. Just say hi. And what's the worst thing that can happen? They're not intro interested in making friends, and they don't say hi back. Okay, we'll go say hi to somebody else. Um, but honestly, like the I think we we psych ourselves out so many times, and we're afraid of nothing when we really could just put ourselves out there. And that's something coming from an introvert to say to just put yourself out there. That I've come a long way in. Um a lot in the world. We've learned too because of the work and the things that I'm doing that have stretched me to have to be that way a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 36:02

But um having to interact with people on a social level.

SPEAKER_00 36:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

Yeah. One of the ways we talked earlier about having a hobby and how hobbies can kind of be that third place, right? Where you're meeting people that's not working it's not your home. Um if quilting was your hobby, uh-huh. You could hypothetically go to a quilting class. Or if you can't have if you don't have a group, you live further out, you could go to an online quilting class.

SPEAKER_02 36:38

You could.

SPEAKER_01 36:39

And you would meet people there in the in that community who also like to quilt. Um you could meet your best friend at this online quilting. If only if only there was some place like that that existed where you could meet people who also like to quilt. Um, do you know of any places like that? I think you do.

SPEAKER_00 36:58

This sounds like such a shameless plug, but yeah, we are so excited about our our foundations and quilting class. So we have been promoting it, talking about it, and the feedback has been phenomenal. Um, I am so excited to get this kicked off in August because it is going to be such a fantastic place again for people to learn this skill but also to connect. And um so yeah, so we're excited about it. So all of the details will be in the show notes, but you can go to thelarklife.com slash foundations and quilting. All of the info is there that you need to be able to get signed up. It's a 16-week long course and you can choose your level of connection. So if you want to go completely at your own pace, do it yourself. You can just get access to the weekly video and PDF that will teach you that skill for that week. Um, if you want more connectivity than that, you can opt into the monthly, bi-monthly Zoom calls that we're gonna have where you will be able to ask questions, get feedback, kind of show and tell your projects with other people. And then for local people, there's an opportunity to actually connect in person at the local Republic Market where I teach classes. They're opening their doors together.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

You've got a whole bunch of people making friends over there.

SPEAKER_00 38:22

It's so fun. Um, that's my comfrey came from one of the ladies in in my one of my classes over there.

SPEAKER_01 38:28

So you mean y'all shared a common interest and you showed up consistently and were willing to speak to each other, and before long you were friends and you were trading plants and oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:36

It's it's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 38:38

It's like it works, like what we talked about would work. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 38:41

It really does. Um, so yeah, so we'll share all about that. And thank you guys so much for showing up to connect with us each week on this podcast. I have received several comments and messages over the last several weeks from those of you who have been enjoying. And so thank you so much for just being here and showing up. We love being a part of these conversations with you. We love getting to spend a tiny part of your week with you. And uh, if you haven't left us a comment yet, you can leave a comment.

SPEAKER_01 39:12

Uh we're always looking for things to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 39:14

Oh, for sure. So if there's a topic that you want to hear us cover, we would love to have your thoughts and ideas. And um, you can connect with us on social media.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

We're on pick a platform, we're there.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

Yeah, we're there. So, and the more you connect with us, it helps spread the word to other people so that other people can can find us as well.

SPEAKER_01 39:33

That's right, you gotta seed that algorithm.

SPEAKER_00 39:36

Or so and I just thought of one more thing. So, in relation to our foundations and quilting class, so our daughter just finished making She did. She just completed her first quilt.

SPEAKER_01 39:47

And it's gorgeous.

SPEAKER_00 39:48

And it was not a single, no, it was a lot of things. It's a very complicated quilt with lots of pieces. She spent a great deal of time working on it, but she just completed it, like made her own custom label on it and everything. She's sending it to her best friend um in celebration of her 15th birthday. Um, I'm going to be posting some pictures on our social media, so you can go check that out. I'm waiting until that package is actually in the hands of the person who's right.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

We don't want to spoil the surprise.

SPEAKER_00 40:16

Yeah, I don't want to spoil the surprise. But as soon as I know that person has it, I'm gonna post pictures. And you can go on there and see what she has created, and that is what I'm hoping to teach other people to be able to do.

SPEAKER_01 40:28

Yeah, because she that literally is a product of her going through your class, and that the training that you're giving in your in the class, that's what she has received from you. Oh, yeah, and this quilt is the product of that, and it's phenomenal.

SPEAKER_00 40:40

And she makes all kinds of stuff. I we walked into the store the other day and she saw this super cute shirt, and she's like, her first thought was not, oh, can we buy that? Her first comment to me was, Oh, I can make it. And I was like, Look at her. I leaned over to you in the store and I was like, Look, look at that. And she can make it too. She knows how.

SPEAKER_01 41:02

She's not scared.

SPEAKER_00 41:02

Um, anyways, all of that to say thank you so much for joining us. You can find the details to all the things that we have on offer in the show notes below, and we would love to hear from you. So leave us a comment or send us a message.

SPEAKER_01 41:15

That's right. We will talk to you next week. I always say see you next week.

SPEAKER_00 41:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:20

But some people are just listening and they won't see us next week or any week. Well, who knows? But we'll be here.

SPEAKER_00 41:27

We'll chat with you next week.

SPEAKER_01 41:28

It'll be great.

SPEAKER_00 41:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

We'll see you then.

SPEAKER_00 41:32

Thank you for choosing to spend some of your time with us. If you've been enjoying the podcast, one of the simplest ways to support us is by telling a friend and leaving a review wherever you're listening. It helps more people find these conversations, and it truly means a lot for us to hear how our stories are impacting you. You can also go to the larklife.com/slash podcast. There you'll find an option to give a small one-time or ongoing gift. And it helps support the time, tools, and energy that go into creating these episodes. Until next time.