The Power of In-Person Conversations

Getting selection wrong isn’t only about who you pick. It’s about how you tell people. We dig into one of the most uncomfortable parts of coaching: delivering news that changes an athlete’s week, their confidence, and sometimes their future. Whether you coach school teams, club sports, or high-performance environments, we make the case that face-to-face communication still beats texts, calls, and “finding out in the meeting” because humans are wired for connection, tone, and intent.

We break down the moments that matter most, especially when a player is moving down the lineup. Our simple rule: talk to them every time and do it before the team is announced. We unpack why public blindsiding is so damaging, how psychological safety shows up in a two-minute chat, and how small, respectful conversations create long-term trust. We also share a framing tool that keeps the conversation grounded: explain selection as your opinion and your responsibility, not as a so-called objective truth that invites debate.

We also zoom out to stakeholder communication. Promoted players deserve in-person praise because those are relationship-building moments that stick for years, and parents often need context too. If your rationale is sound, transparent conversations tend to go better than the stories people invent in the silence. If this helped you, subscribe, share it with a coach, and leave a review. What’s the best way you’ve ever received tough feedback?

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Talking Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hi team, welcome to the Moon Do Week Reflections. Today's chat is going to be about how we talk, talking in person and how we can brush up on that skill. And when it comes to sort of this coaching stuff, it is massively important that we actually talk a lot in person. And however the world goes with AI and all sorts of stuff, talking in person is still a massive skill set for a coach to always have. With technology as it is and where it's going, there'll be the tendency to think that potentially we can outsource some of the harder conversations we we have as coaches. And one of the things I think coaches consistently underestimate is how much selection conversations matter. Now I'm talking the actual the selection conversation, not the not the decision itself, the conversation around the decision. Now, for me, having been uh a player for a long time, both through amateur level and professional level, and then coaching uh through those levels as well, I've had those conversations done on me and done those conversations to others. And I've been fortunate enough to experience both sides of that. I've been selected, I've been dropped, I've been promoted, I've missed out, and I've been told a number of ways. Face to face, over the phone, by text, uh, and sometimes not at all. So the more coaching that I do now, and the more conversations I have, the more convinced, absolutely convinced, that's always a better outcome

Why Face-To-Face Beats Text

SPEAKER_00 1:35

when you have those difficult conversations in person. And it seems obvious, right? Of course it does. But here's a little bit of why we are, as humans, wired for connection. When you're sitting across from someone, they can see your body language, they can hear your tone, they can understand your intent. And I do understand that communication researchers often talk about how much of the message is carried by other things than the words, like body language, for example. And there's a lot of studies on that. Some I disagree with massively uh in how they've been um portrayed uh throughout time. However, that's another story. A text message might say the same thing as what you're saying, but it doesn't carry the same humanness. It doesn't. It just doesn't. And that's the thing that uh players remember. Next thing, secondly, the when you talk face to face, you create this thing that is talked about a lot, this psychological safety. Even when someone's disappointed, they feel respected by the fact that you've you've sought out to chat to them directly. And and people can handle bad news remarkably well when they

Psychological Safety And Trust

SPEAKER_00 2:45

believe they've been treated fairly. They can kind of go, fair enough, I understand. And the amount of conversations I used to have, there's a period there where I wasn't being selected. But every week the coach uh would come to me, actually, a guy called Richard Cockerel, he was fantastic. Every week uh before selection, he would come and say, Hey, you've missed out um I'm picking this guy this week. And he didn't even need to say why, or much more than that, but I really appreciate it. And the fact that I'm telling you now shows it stuck with me. And that's the third thing. It does build trust. Uh, the reality for most coaches is you don't avoid these conversations because they don't matter, you you avoid you avoid them because they're uncomfortable, you know. Telling someone they're not starting or they've missed out on the squad, or telling, even at the professional level, telling someone that they're not getting contract. Now, these aren't easy, but every time we avoid this discomfort, we're we're transferring that discomfort somewhere else. Um, great coaches or the best coaches that I've seen get used to that and and they sit in that discomfort because they know how important those relationships are. And sitting with someone, being able to have those harder, difficult conversations is really important. So one of the questions that that I've got is when when do you have these conversations? And it's pretty simple rule I have. If someone is moving downwards, if they're moving from the starting team or reserves to out of the 23, you talk to them every time, no exceptions. And you do that, and this is massively important, before the team is announced. That's so important. Before the team is announced, you've got to have that one-on-one face-to-face conversation. And even if in if you're a club coach or you don't have the time, even taking that one minute before you read it out, or five minutes, if that's all you've got, delay the meeting until you've had that conversation. One of the worst experiences for a player is being publicly blindsided. Hearing the team read out and suddenly realize you're not in it, man, your emotions

The Rule Before Team Announcement

SPEAKER_00 4:50

go crazy, right? And before you've had time to process anything, you haven't prepared yourself, you haven't had the chance to understand the reasoning. And often your first reaction becomes a thing that everybody sees. And you want to have a little bit of heads up on that. So that simple conversation before allows the player to process information privately and then be able to respond in a way that they'll be proud of. That's really important. They they can get themselves together a little bit and prepare. It's like saying jump up on a stage and do a 10-minute speech. For most people, woo. But if you've got at least a little bit of time to prepare something, it can help. The next little rule I think is really important, and not so much a rule, but more of a sort of a nuance, is every time a selection decision is made, I think it's really important that you ask yourself, could someone reasonably have expected to be next? Or is someone going to feel aggrieved by this selection? And the example is something like this. Let's say your fullback's out, your number 15. Now, most people would assume the second choice fullback gets promoted instantly. However, you decide to move someone from another position, your center takes it. Now, if you answer yourself, could someone reasonably expect it to be next? You could hand on heart say your second choice fullback probably does. In that case, they probably deserve a conversation. Not because they need permission, not because you're seeking approval, but because they deserve the context. And when you explain it, it's really important, I believe, the explainer is your opinion. So you're not saying he's

Giving Context Without Debating Facts

SPEAKER_00 6:25

better than you, and don't say everyone agrees. Just say, I felt this was the best decision for the team. I felt we needed this. I felt this combination uh would work better for us and give us the best chance. Now, opinions are actually gold for us when we're having these conversations because you can't argue necessarily with someone's opinion. You can disagree with their opinion, but you can't say you can understand that it's theirs. So own them, back them, but don't certainly don't dress them up as you know objective truths. Don't and that's the value, the the importance of an opinion. I believe this is right for team. Now, no matter how disappointed, somewhere in your psyche you can understand that that's his opinion and that's what he's believing, and you just have to roll with it. If you say he's better at that and you make an objective truth, then you're you're getting in a in an area where they could disagree hard with that and not believe it at all. So I think using your opinion is a really good one. The next person that is worthy of consideration and to have a chat in person is anyone that's been promoted into the squad. Sometimes you don't have to do this. Uh sometimes it's that's a that's a nice reaction to have. That's always on the up. However, um maybe sometimes it's worth thinking. Those are fun conversations, those are relationship-building moments. Um, they're little deposits into you know the bank of trust accounts. And sometimes a little 30-second conversation done really well can can stay with the player for years and years and years. You know, just hey, we're gonna pick you this week. Just think um, the way what you've been doing at the moment is you've been really putting your hand up every session and you're gonna get out there this weekend. Well done. Something like that, if you're the first person, then it's building that trust between and that love uh and enjoyment of what you're doing between you and that person. Now, just to slightly divulge a little

Promotions And Small Trust Deposits

SPEAKER_00 8:24

bit more, that there's a whole lot of people that are also worthy of in-person conversations. And your stakeholders are often exactly the same as your players, and stakeholders can look very different for whatever level you're coaching. Uh in a professional level, that could be you know your sponsors and it could be the media, and and talking very publicly and impersonally, personally is important. Likewise, if you're coaching at club level or school, your parents and your supporters, and parents are a big one too, because parents are some of the most invested shareholders that players have. And just if you can, uh and you see the opportunity to talk to parents as well, it goes a long, long, long way. Just the just explaining your why you've done what you've done and your opinions. And if you're afraid of that, if you're feeling the super discomfort, uh just check that it's that your reasonings and your rationales

Parents And Other Key Stakeholders

SPEAKER_00 9:20

are good. And if they are, if your opinions are sound, then talking to parents, whilst it may be d discomfortable, it shouldn't be dishonest or they shouldn't be hidden in the agendas which you're trying to hide. If you are that, then those conversations should all generally end pretty well. Really interesting discussion about talking in person, but the value is powerful. So where you can, get out there and talk face to face. Till next week. Stay well.