Speaking Life Into Motherhood ~ Rhythms, Child Development, Homeschool, Special Needs, Speech Delay, Systems, Autism, ADHD, Neurodiversity, Disabilities

35 Stop White-Knuckling Motherhood: The Exhausted Special Needs Mom's Plan for Hard Days (Without Adding Another Thing to Your List)

• Season 1 • Episode 35

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Have you ever had a day where you're just barely getting by - trying not to fall apart while every little thing your kids say feels like nails on a chalkboard?

What if you could have a simple plan for those hard days that's easy enough to remember even when your brain is foggy, but practical enough that it actually works?

Are you tired of white-knuckling your way to bedtime and wondering why you can't just handle the "smaller" struggles better?

In this episode, I share my own recent struggle with a hard day and walk you through the R.E.S.T. Framework - a simple acronym to help you move from survival mode to actually making it through without regrets.

You'll learn how to recognize your warning signs before you break, why routine actually helps when you're falling apart, practical tools to calm your nervous system in minutes, and how to release the guilt around needing rest and respite. This episode is for every mama who's tired of just surviving and ready to have a plan for her hardest days.


While you're here, please leave a quick rating or review! I pray this episode blesses you! Remember, you don't just have to survive mama- you can thrive!

Connect with the host: Elyse Scheeler

Disclaimer
The views and opinions expressed in this episode are those of the guests and hosts and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Speaking Life Into Motherhood. None of the advice or discussion on the podcast is medical advice. Always consult with your medical provider before using any supplements, essential oils, or therapy methods. 

Elyse Scheeler (00:00)
Maybe it's the weight of another IEP meeting coming up or you're in a space that you're wondering if your child's behaviors are typical or if you need to pursue a diagnosis. Maybe you're just sick or it's that time of the month.

and your body is not helping you when you need it the most.

If you don't have a plan for the hard days, you're going to default to survival mode and survival mode for most of us looks like snapping at our kids, shutting down emotionally, reaching for things that numb us, but don't actually help us or just white knuckling our way through until bedtime. But what if there was a better way?

Hey there, mama. Welcome back to Speaking Life into Motherhood. I'm Elise, your host, and I am so glad you're here today. I'm gonna be honest with you. I had one of those days today.

The day where I was just trying not to fall apart. Silly things were making me upset. Every single thing my kid said was bothering me emotionally and physically. I was beat down and I was wondering, how am I gonna get through this day and why am I having such a hard time?

Maybe that's where you are right now too. Maybe you're listening to this while you're hiding in the bathroom or folding the millionth load of laundry or sitting in the school pickup line just trying to gather yourself before your kids get in the car. If this is you, I want you to know I see you. And what I'm going to share with you today isn't just theory. This is what I actually did to pull myself out of the pit I had today.

I'm going to give you a simple framework, an acronym that you can even remember when your brain is foggy and you feel like you have nothing left to give. So let me tell you what happened. We are in the process of getting ready to say goodbye to our absolutely wonderful dog who has been with my husband and me for nearly two decades. And I know some of you might be thinking, it's just a dog. But for us, she's so much more than that.

When my husband and I were young and dumb and wanted to break up, we would go, well, who's going to get the dog? No, I guess we're not breaking up. We've joked about it several times now that she's the reason that our family is what it is today. But there's also some truth into it. We're so grateful that we worked through those challenges that we had when we were younger, but also just grateful for the love that she's given us.

Guinea was there lying by my side when I went through infertility and surgery. She was there when I had my miscarriage. She was there laying on my lap for both of my pregnancies. And even though we've been having conversations about her health and her age for probably the last year, I've been surprised, genuinely surprised by all of the emotions that came up this last week. And this morning, I just felt like I was going to fall apart.

Everything the kids said felt like nails on the chalkboard. My patience was non-existent, my body was heavy, and I knew, I knew, that if I didn't do something purposeful,

I was either going to completely shut down or say or do things I regret. Can you relate to that? Maybe for you it's not a pet. Maybe it's the weight of another IEP meeting coming up or you're in a space that you're wondering if your child's behaviors are typical or if you need to pursue a diagnosis. Maybe you're exhausted from another sleepless night or you're overwhelmed trying to figure out which therapy or intervention to try next. Maybe you're just sick or it's that time of the month.

and your body is not helping you when you need it the most. Sometimes those smaller hard days can feel even worse because we think, shouldn't be that big of a deal. Why can't I handle this? But mama, remember, whether it feels justified or not, your struggle is real, your exhaustion is real, and you need a plan. Here's what I realized as I was working through my hard day.

If you don't have a plan for the hard days, you're going to default to survival mode and survival mode for most of us looks like snapping at our kids, shutting down emotionally, reaching for things that numb us, but don't actually help us or just white knuckling our way through until bedtime. But what if there was a better way?

What if you could have a plan that's simple enough to remember even when your brain is foggy, but practical enough that it actually works? This is what I want to give you today.

I've decided to call it the rest framework. And yes, I'm being intentional with that word because mama, you need rest, not just physical sleep, although that's important, but rest for your soul, your mind, and your nervous system. So let's walk through this together. The first step is R, recognize and redirect.

When you feel yourself starting to spiral, you have to recognize what's happening. Notice the signs in your body. For me, it's a tightness in my chest, a short of fuse, and everything just feels harder. Maybe for you it's a headache, a clenched jaw, or feeling like you wanna cry or scream or just run away. The moment you recognize it, you need to redirect your mind and your environment before things escalate.

Today I actually sent my son to his room, not as a punishment, but because I needed a break and I knew I was not in a space to respond in a quiet, calm and respectful voice to him. I told him that. I said, you're going to your room. I am taking a break. When my body is calm and I am ready, I will come back and get you. It was me recognizing my limit and redirecting before I crossed a line that I didn't want to cross.

Here's a practical piece for you. What are your early warning signs that you're about to break? Write them down. And then decide right now, what's your redirect plan? Maybe it's sending the kid to their room for 10 minutes of quiet time. Putting on a movie, yes. Even if it's not screen time day. Stepping outside for three deep breaths. Texting your husband or a friend saying, need help.

We all know that we can't pour from an empty cup and recognizing when our cups are empty isn't weakness, it's wisdom. Scripture tells us in Proverbs 4, 23 to guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life. Sometimes guarding our hearts might mean creating space before we break. Here's the redirect part that was huge for me today. I turned on worship music.

Specifically, we've been working on the hymn, It is Well with My Soul, for our homeschool time. And today, I must have listened to 20 different versions. Choral, contemporary, Christian pop, country, I listened to them all.

And it helped me so much. It helped to calm my mind and to calm my body down. Because I needed to redirect my mind to truth. No matter what season I'm in, even in grief, even in exhaustion, even in uncertainty, I can say it is well with my soul because of what Jesus Christ has done for me. What does your worship redirect?

Is it a specific song, a playlist, a podcast episode, a Bible verse on your mirror? Have it ready now so that when the hard day hits, you don't have to think. You can just act. The next step is E, embrace routine.

This feels a little bit counterintuitive. When you're falling apart, the last thing you want to do is stick to a schedule. You want to survive, throw the plans, let the kids watch TV all day, order the takeout and just get through. But something that I've learned is that your kids are watching you. And when they sense that you're dysregulated, and when they sense that you are dysregulated, they need the safety of routine more, not less.

Today, even though I was struggling, we still had our outside time. We still did our read aloud. I just combined them. We read outside because it was beautiful. Did we do everything perfectly? No. But we stuck to our core rhythms, and you know what? It helped all of us.

Our kids thrive on predictability. And for those parents who are parenting children with additional needs, routine is everything. When their world feels chaotic because they can sense mom is off, maintaining routine is like throwing them a life raft. It says, even when I'm struggling, we're OK. You are safe.

And let's be honest, it helps us too. When we stick to routine, we're not adding to our mental load by having to make a thousand new decisions. We're just following the path we've already laid out. Now, I'm not saying you can't be flexible. If your routine includes something that's gonna push you over the edge today, please modify it. But think about keeping your anchors.

Meal times at roughly the same time. Outside time, even if it's just 10 minutes. Sticking to your bedtime routine. Whatever your family's core rhythms are. Ecclesiastes 3.1 tells us, there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. Routine helps us stay grounded through the seasons, even the hard ones. The next step is S, soothe your nervous system. This is not optional.

When you are dysregulated, when your nervous system is in fight or flight mode, you literally cannot think clearly, respond patiently, or show up as the mom that you want to be. Your body is working against you, trying to protect you from a threat. You have to give your body the signal that you are safe. What I did today is I used my Adaptive Essential Oil Blend. I put it on my wrists, I put it on my neck, and spent about three minutes.

taking deep breath to help calm my nervous system while smelling those amazing oils. I practiced grounding, feeling my feet on the floor, noticing five things I could see, and then I moved my body.

I taught my exercise class this evening and before that I taught preschool gym, is always super fun and chaotic in the best way. Moving my body got oxygen to my brain, released endorphins and helped process those big emotions. You need to have your nervous system soothing tools ready. Some other options would be using those essential oils like lavender, frankincense, or the adaptive blend that I use, cold water on your face or ice cubes in your hands, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation,

relaxation,

humming or singing, a warm bath or shower, and most definitely some sort of movement. It does not have to be a class or anything long. It could even just be doing 10 jumping jacks or finding a spot where you can do some wall push-ups.

Those are the types of things that help get the blood flowing and will help to calm that nervous system down for you. The key is, is you need to have these tools ready before the hard day. Don't wait until you're in crisis mode to figure out what works. Experiment now. Find three things that work for you and keep them accessible. You can work on these things with your kiddos as well, helping them to find the things that help calm their nervous system down when they're upset.

For the mamas with kids who have sensory needs or who struggle with regulation themselves, you already know how important this is for your kids. You probably have a whole toolkit for them, but you need this too. You cannot co-regulate with your child if you are dysregulated yourself. The fourth step is T, trust God and take time. This is the big picture piece. This is what holds everything else together.

When I took that moment of rest today, after I'd recognized and redirected, after I'd stuck to our routine and I'd soothed my nervous system, I took time to pray. Not some long, eloquent prayer, just an honest conversation with God who sees me, knows me, and loves me. Psalm 46 10 says, be still and know that I am God. Sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do is stop, breathe, and remember that we are not carrying this alone.

Here's what I want you to hear. God gave you a mission as a mother. We talked about this in the last episode. He chose you for your children. He knew exactly what they would need and he equipped you for it. But part of that equipping includes rest. It includes acknowledging your limits. It includes trusting that he is bigger than your hardest days.

This is where respite comes in.

Every family should have some sort of a plan in place for some level of respite for mom and dad, but especially those families who have kiddos with higher needs. I want you to make this a priority.

Whether it's taking turns with your spouse, having a family member watch the kids for a few hours, or utilizing an actual respite service, you need breaks. Not because you're weak, not because you're failing, but because you are human. And God designed humans to need rest. Even Jesus pulled away from the crowds to rest and pray and re-center.

Taking time to rest, whether it's five minutes in the closet, an hour at the coffee shop, or a weekend away, it's not selfish. It's strategic. It's how you stay healthy long enough to fulfill the mission God has given you. Trust that God is with you on the hard days. Trust that it's okay to need help. Trust that rest is not a luxury. It's a necessity. And take the time you need guilt-free. So, let me recap the rest framework for you.

R is recognize and redirect. Notice your warning signs and redirect before you break. Use worship scripture or whatever helps you shift your mind to truth.

Embrace routine. Stick with your core rhythms. It helps your kids feel safe and reduces decision fatigue for you. Soothe your nervous system. Have practical tools ready. Essential oils, deep breathing, grounding, movement. You cannot show up well when your body is in crisis mode. Trust God and take time. Remember the big picture. You're not alone. Rest is not optional. Respite is not selfish.

I know you're tired. I know you're doing your absolute best with what you have. But you can't pour from that empty cup and you cannot give what you don't have. This framework isn't about being perfect. It's about having a plan so on those hard days you can move from survival mode to actually thriving or at least making it through without regrets. Before we go I want to pray for you. Father God.

I lift up every mama listening right now. You see the exhaustion, the overwhelm, the weight they're carrying. I pray that you would give them the wisdom to recognize when they need to rest, the courage to actually take that rest, and the grace to let go of the guilt. Remind them that they are not alone.

that you are with them in every hard moment and that their limitations do not limit your love for them or your plans for their family. Give them strength for today, hope for tomorrow, and peace that passes understanding. In Jesus' amen.

As I sit here drinking my tea, feeling at peace, feeling restored, I hope and pray mama that you can take these tools and these strategies and use them in your own life. When you start acting out of mission and purpose and plan, it just makes the hard days so much easier.

If you found this episode helpful, would love for you to share it with another mom who needs to hear it today.

remember to give yourself grace and know that you are doing a better job than you think. We'll see you next time.