Everything Hurts
Everything Hurts is a podcast that is all about how, when you get to a certain age as a woman, things just start to hit a little differently. And sometimes you wanna hit back.
Everything Hurts
Why Mid-life Crisis – Why not Mid-life Revelation?
In this episode of Everything Hurts, Cheryl and Danielle turn mid-life crises into mid-life opportunities. Gone are the days when the middle of your life meant making bad decisions that threw off the balance of the universe (hello, $200K sports car.) Instead, you’ve made it this far, why not reward yourself by finally being yourself. Want a tattoo? Get one. Want to pierce something? Do it. Want to travel? Take the trip. Want to have an affair. No…don’t do that. Surveys show women in their 30s look forward to being more confident because they’re less apt to GAF about what others think. Refreshing, isn’t it? They also discuss why society tells us what to wear (newsflash: miniskirts don’t have expiration dates), they ask why moms being “put together” is an anomaly, and how, when we do decide what to wear, the sizing is off because no one can settle on a standard sizing chart for women’s clothing. Enter the tailor – get to know yours because ill-fitting clothes are a crisis.
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Because it takes a village to raise…well…ourselves, we’re ready to share a laugh, a cry and even an F-bomb with you. Reach out to us on Instagram, Facebook, email, carrier pigeon, smoke signals, whatevs.
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Danielle
Cheryl
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Email: ouch@everythinghurts.life
Links/studies mentioned in this episode:
Survey of American women aged 30+ on confidence with age
“More women are discovering the power of tattoo,” Washington Post
Laws of Motion
Hey, this is Cheryl Fenton and this is Danielle Murr, and this is Everything Hurts, and today we are going to talk about midlife crises, crises, crises. Is it crises, crises? Why does it have to be a crisis?
Speaker 2:though I want to know who came up with this in the first place. Who determined? Was it based on what was happening? Like did they look at guys buying sports cars and say this is a crisis.
Speaker 1:I think it should be an opportunity. It's a revelation, really. So let's take back the midlife crisis and turn it into a midlife revelation. I like it and I want to talk about that today because I got some photos from one of my best friends, whitney, down in Atlanta and they were of these absolutely stunning Art Deco tattoos that now take up most of her leg.
Speaker 1:Now Whitney and I have one of the same tattoo we got together because she lives in Atlanta and I live up here Like we needed to do something to keep us, you know, bonded and her children are my god sons and my daughter is her god daughter. So we're very close and she is turning 50 in August and, god, I hope it's August. I hope it's not another, whitney, if I screwed up your birthday month. Hi, whit, love you. And she got these absolutely glorious, humongous Art Deco tattoos and I'm like, okay, is that considered a midlife crisis? And I started to pay attention to a lot of the things that women are doing and I feel like women get tattoos at our age, like I'm thinking about getting the eyebrow piercing. I've wanted my whole life. I'm getting another tattoo what?
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, my goodness, I know, see, so scandalous. I do agree, though. I have a lot of friends who are right around our age range that have embraced the tattoo lifestyle. You know, now that I think about it, a lot of them kind of got into it when taking their adult children or their of legal age to get a tattoo children for their first tattoo and then it became some kind of like a bonding experience, like oh I went and got a tattoo with my mom, or I took my kid, or blah, blah, blah, you know?
Speaker 2:or?
Speaker 1:that's what my daughter and I were planning on doing that and then she pulled back a little bit because she wants to put more thought into it, which I thought was perfect. Thank you, don't go get like juicy across your back, make that decision and go, oops.
Speaker 2:We crashed that plane already.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, well, there's actually, there was a thing that the Pew Research Center did that was I think it's like a third of Americans or something have at least one tattoo, but out of that, 53% are ages 30 to 49 women. Yeah, that's the age group that people get most tattoos. That's the people who have the most tattoos, and I think it's because we basically are just like this is what I want to do and I'm going to do it, and you're not going to judge me for it, and if you do, I don't care Exactly For me.
Speaker 2:So my mother banned me from having tattoos. I'm 47. I'm 47. I'm still scared S-less of my mom, okay, but she said to me under no circumstances are you ever going to get a tattoo or I will disown you In hindsight. I feel like that saved me from some incredibly dumb decisions, because 20 years ago I dated a guy who was covered in tattoos and early aughts mid aughts, like that was a big thing around the people that I hung out with and I probably would have wound up with two full sleeves and a chest piece, and that was not very common back in that time, it wasn't.
Speaker 2:Like my friend Jess got a full sleeve with all these like Dia de los Muertos type skeleton skulls and they're gorgeous. But I look at it now I think she had to be like 15 years ago and she's so different as a person and she's not. I mean, can't really do much with a full sleeve other than black it out or cover it. You know it's it's kind of hard to get rid of that, but I just look at how she's changed as a person. I'm like huh, I wonder if she could go back, would she have made that same decision for that type of artwork? Because you have people that get tattoos, that are super committed to the artwork, they love it and it tells the story of who they were at different points in their lives. And then you have some other people that are just like yeah, I wish, I wish I didn't do this ever.
Speaker 1:But I think at our age it's become almost like a rite of passage where you're like, guess what? I want this and this is what I'm doing, Similar to my eyebrow piercing. I don't care, I've wanted it for 20 years and I'm not even in an industry where people would look at that and say you know, okay, you can't be an accountant and no one's going to take you seriously as a lawyer. I'm in a creative industry, so if anything, I'm supposed to have something coming out my face of the metal persuasion.
Speaker 2:Something to adorn you.
Speaker 1:Exactly. There was actually a survey of women over 30 and 63% of them believe that as they get older, they're going to be more confident, because confidence increases with age. And they also think that it's because people stop caring what other people think, which is leads us back to the point of when you have a midlife crisis. Should it be called a crisis? It's not, it's. I'm doing something. I mean, now, let's break it down. If you're having an affair, please don't do that. Yeah, knock that off. You're in a crisis, right? If you are buying a Porsche and you cannot afford a Porsche, please don't do that. Or a car poor? That's called a crisis. I mean, can you think of anything else?
Speaker 2:Well, I think of something that actually relates to the tattoo thing, in that a lot of my friends, in fact our friend Kennedy, just did this in Thailand is that so many people I know will get tattoos when they're traveling. And that pairs up with what my quote-unquote midlife crisis is is travel. Because now I have come to a point. Well, I've always loved to travel, I've always loved to go places, but because I had a very restrictive work schedule, it was really hard for me to plan trips in advance, because we could only take time off around Christmas and Independence Day and Christmas Christmas. I had family coming in. Where am I going in the beginning of July, except here, you know. So it always made it really difficult to get any place. And then, once I left a conventional job and had time, freedom and embraced travel as a work thing, now it's just been amazing. But now my perception of what is far and what is complicated has changed so much.
Speaker 1:Like in the direction of nothing, is too far.
Speaker 2:I used to think a six-hour coast-to-coast flight was a long-haul flight.
Speaker 2:Okay, now, that seems like nothing to me because I've taken a non-stop, 14-hour flight to Qatar on the way to someplace else. Antarctica used to be a dream for me, thinking like oh, you know, when I'm in my 60s, maybe I'll get to Antarctica. Hey, guess what? Last year I went. I booked a last minute trip to Antarctica because the deal was so good. So now it has really opened things up for me. But I think that I've leaned into it so heavily and it makes me realize that we spend so much of our lives playing by certain rules and then, when you finally get this new perspective or this changing perspective, that like, hey, we get one lap on this planet, that's it. Yes, if you believe in the afterlife or other lives, you might come back, but not with this level of cognizance, right, you don't come back as you, knowing that you're doing the thing right.
Speaker 1:You get on this planet one time to do one thing and that's live, who, who you are. And you're right, we spend so much of our time taking care of others, as women, as moms, as spouses and then I think you hit this age and that's when you're like, oh, I want to do the things, and the things could be a tattoo, it could be book a trip to wherever it could be. I'm going to save up and buy that really super expensive dress that I've been wanting and coveting for years and years, and it's important to me. And that brings me to another point Can y'all stop telling us what we can and cannot wear at this age, please?
Speaker 2:It's so exhausting to go online and see someone, a woman, who is just into. I mean, this applies to men too. It's really people of any age, but I find that women are targeted a lot more obviously. The comments that you see on social media when this woman looks amazing, stylish, has put together this just unbelievably chic outfit and just you get people with the least amount of thought Too old, she's thirsty, washed up, attention seeking Act your age Desperate.
Speaker 1:It's pathetic because you know what, if you want to wear a short miniskirt, and you wear it. There is no expiration date on miniskirts. There just isn't, and I'm not talking about micro minis. I'm not a fan of those, no matter what age you are.
Speaker 2:But I mean just a miniskirt in general, or like leather pants or whatever you feel good in what you like wear what you want to wear and stop having people tell us at this age what we're supposed to be wearing, because I'm over it because if you do one thing, you're damned, if you do another thing, you're damned like we discussed this in a previous episode with botox and fillers if you do it, you're fake, if you don't do it, you look old and washed up. If you dress up and you put some nice stuff together and you present yourself, they're like oh, you shouldn't be wearing that. But if you go out of your house in hard-soled slippers and yoga pants and a trench coat, you've given up. You've given up. Well, so what? What tell us internet?
Speaker 1:world. What are we supposed to do? Well, that used to happen to me when I would do pickup at school, and that was really frustrating to me, because I go to things during the week that might mean I dress up Right. So I would come from one of those things and I would be standing in the schoolyard picking up my daughter from her fourth grade school day, wearing high heels and a dress, some amazing vintage piece and a vintage coat, and people, literally people would be like up and down, up and down, up and down. Looks, who does she think she is? I would hear these things and it's just like, because I'm a mom, it does not mean I immediately need to abandon everything I know and love, like which is fashionable stuff, and just become this person who I'm not. Which is a yoga. Now let's be real Girl.
Speaker 1:I'm wearing sweatpants and sweatpants sweatpants and a sweatshirt right now, but like Neither of us has a bra on no, no, sorry.
Speaker 2:Thank God, we're not doing video, hi guys.
Speaker 1:Hi. So that's just another one of those things where it's like you are pigeonholed into what you're supposed to be, whether it's age. You shouldn't be getting an eyebrow tattoo, and you are an eyebrow, an eyebrow tattoo that way.
Speaker 2:Well, we are tattooing our eyebrows. That's actually a thing that's called microblading, and we already talked about that.
Speaker 1:no, you shouldn't be getting an eyebrow ring, you shouldn't be getting a tattoo, you shouldn't be wearing a mini skirt because you're a woman of a certain age. Well, I say, it's not a midlife crisis, it's a midlife opportunity. You can embrace who you are and what you're doing.
Speaker 2:And that's that. As an aside, my maternal grandmother was way ahead of the curve on beauty treatments and things like that. She was very glam dressed, very well.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 2:Always had. When she passed, I got a call from my cousin and he said you have to go to CVS and get an eyebrow pencil. And I said why? And she said he said I don't know. Your mom said something about you all need your eyebrows done. I'm like this. This doesn't sound right. So I called my mother. I said what's going on and she said they didn't do grandma's eyebrows right. Oh my God, and if grandma knew that the eyebrows weren't done right, we were all going to be haunted forever.
Speaker 1:You're sending her into the afterlife with bad eyebrows.
Speaker 2:So I had to fix them, which you know was fine. But my grandmother used to have her eyeliner tattooed on and I think she had. Did she have a lip? She might have had like a lip blush too, but like black eyeliner tattooed on. So when she got sick later in life with Parkinson's, I used to do her makeup and I could never figure out. I'd be scrubbing with a Q-tip and the poor thing, like she really couldn't speak at that point she was speaking with a typewriter. So I'm like why won't?
Speaker 2:this eyeliner come off. You're like, grandma, that's some stay put Maybelline. Seriously, I'm like is this 24-hour formula or what? And then I mentioned it as an aside to my mom one day and she said it's tattooed on. But that was, that's OG, that is OG and that was in the 70s.
Speaker 1:That she had that done. I didn't even know they did that. Was it like a stick and poke in the alley?
Speaker 2:I didn't even know that they did that Probably in somebody's house in East Boston somewhere.
Speaker 1:Take a shot, granny, we're going to do this.
Speaker 2:We're going to do your eyeliner now. But one other thing that I have noticed with this divergence of you shouldn't wear this or you should wear this, or blah blah, blah. There's also an interesting split within the category of whether or not you're a mom, because they will frame it as you're a mom. You shouldn't dress like this, embarrassing A mother of children wearing blah, blah, blah, blah blah. And then, if you're not a mom, you get the same kind of attacks, but from the other side. No wonder why you never had kids. Your kids would be embarrassed to see you dressing like this. And it's just everyone framing your choices. How did these people have this much energy? Imagine if you sunk this much energy into something good or your own personal development, versus leaving comments with a burner Instagram on someone else's post telling them they shouldn't wear a skirt because their kneecaps look flabby.
Speaker 1:And here's the thing, though, those are the same people who call it a midlife crisis, because, half the time, if you look at the comments on any of the Instagram, people who are over the age of 45, who look absolutely like they're smashing it in whatever they're wearing midlife crisis, midlife crisis, like no. What if we've just decided that I want to wear this and this is what I want to wear, and I want to do this and this is what I want to do? I want to wear a fabulous outfit to go to another country and get a tattoo.
Speaker 2:there's your trifecta, bitches you bring up clothing, though and this is something else I want to touch on why do we not have some kind of governing body to establish a universal standard for women's clothing sizes preach? It seems it's this most arbitrary process amongst each manufacturer where they think, okay, we're gonna, let's see. Hey, bob, bring in the prototype that that's gonna be a size two. Now base everything on that, because you know, if you shop at places like Gap and JCrew and Ann Taylor, they tend to be a little bit more forgiving in the sizes. They're larger.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you can size down and feel good about it and then, like, I'm sitting to a size six today, all right. Meanwhile you go any place else and you're a size 12. Yes, and it makes it so hard to order. That's why people ever I don't know about you, but if I ever have to order clothing online especially if I order something from Amazon last minute for a trip I have to order 10 pieces because I'm ordering five things, but I got to get them in two different sizes because I have no idea what the sizing is going to be.
Speaker 1:I have twos in my closet and I have tens in my closet and if I keep With the menopause situation, I might have 12s in my closet. But yeah, it doesn't make any sense because, especially at our age now, when things start to change and move, and whether or not you had kids or didn't have kids, or whether or not you're dealing with weight gain or anything like that, nothing is cookie cutter anymore. We're not the waist and the hips and the boobs. Where are your boobs located, are they?
Speaker 2:up high or are they down low. High or are they down low, are they down low? Too, slow, exactly too slow, getting into that no, for real.
Speaker 1:And then like if your belly, if you have a meno belly, which let's face it it's a. Thing that also affects your hip placement in terms of zippers and things like that. So there needs to be more of a construct and a conversation about clothing sizes. And also, what is that one? There's a place that did my laws of motion. I think I have to look it up. They did a sequined suit that I have and they did the AI where you stand in front of the camera.
Speaker 1:And then it takes your measurements and then it builds the suit to what you're wearing, and that, I think, should be the beginning of more individualized clothing instead of this, like Brandy Melville, just like you have to be 100 pounds to fit into anything, brandy Melville, and it's all the same. You cannot have one size fits all. No, and two should be a two and a ten should be a 10.
Speaker 2:So we know what to expect, Like if you're going to have pants that are a size two. What's the waist? Measurement Like this is where you know men's clothing is so different in terms of pants sizes. Why can't they do? And there there are some clothing manufacturers that will have both, you know. They'll say you know, but even then it's so arbitrary because a size, say a size 28, waist, okay, then in one brand could be a four, in another brand it could be a two, in another brand it could be an extra small.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or there's just no, Even jeans, which I've really found is interesting is that when you get something that's a 28 waist, that necessarily doesn't mean it's 28 waist.
Speaker 2:Because where is your waist in those pants, right?
Speaker 1:It could necessarily doesn't mean it's 28 waist, because where is your waist in those pants? Right, it could be a 24 and also can you get it over your legs? Yeah, because we talked about that for a second.
Speaker 2:Like everything is just so different in every spot on the body, and I love that ai thing with the measurements, do you get your clothes tailored? I've started, see, I think that that it's an expense. It definitely is an expense, but I think it's an investment, especially if you are someone who likes to buy quality wardrobe pieces, lifetime pieces. Tailoring is a way to make you look so much sharper and more polished without being obvious about it. Right, because when you have clothes that fit because look what we were just talking about, the way they cut these clothes I have a bigger chest.
Speaker 2:I tend to be a little bigger in the middle when I'm carrying weight, but I have skinny arms and legs. It's really hard to dress around that, because if you get something sized for my waist, I'm going to have huge pant legs and then I'm swimming in it. It makes me look way bigger than I am. If I have to dress around my chest and it's got all these flowing fabrics and stuff. The way my body is structured, I have a like a little spondylolisthesis, where my my spine curves a little bit at the bottom, so my butt sticks out and my boobs stick out. If I wear anything like a maxi dress, it makes me look like I'm wearing a tent, yeah, and I can't move my body the other way. But in looking really professional and just like crisp and amazing, tailoring is the way to go.
Speaker 1:I've only now started to realize that. I mean, you do have to factor that cost into buying clothing, though, and I'm a huge fan of consignment and thrift stores and going on the hunt and stuff.
Speaker 1:My daughter and I always go down to you know thrifting every you know, once a month Maybe we'll go to some places and find some really great stuff. But I use the Real real a lot, yes, but I have found that if I'm going by that I bring it home and then I get it tailored because my body is not the cookie cutter 25 year old, 30 year old cookie cutter body anymore.
Speaker 2:we're very far from that cookie bread loaf. It's like a big fat cat sitting down Pumpkin muffins.
Speaker 1:It's not a cookie cutter anymore, but spending money on tailoring is absolutely huge, because if they can't figure out the sizes, then you can't figure out the sizes.
Speaker 2:We can't figure out the sizes. I do want to give you guys a suggestion for someone to follow on Instagram. My buddy, dutch, is a stylist and he is just so good at what he does. He's always been impeccable in how he styled themselves with accessories and clothing, but he works with women and men, too, just to find their perfect sizing. He's based in Texas now, but he does a lot of personal shopping and he sets up a whole room for you with selections and whatnot and will really go over what looks good for different body types and whatnot. And we'll really go over what looks good for different body types and, if you have a certain body type, how to do this or pinch this or make sure this fits, or if you see this on your clothing, it means it's not the right cut. But he's styled by Dutch on Instagram. I'll put his handle on the show notes, but if you're looking for style tips, I cannot recommend him highly enough because he makes it really approachable another person I want you to follow is a woman called George.
Speaker 1:I believe she's out of the UK. Yes, she is so fabulous because she is definitely the definition of you know what? She has sparkle Fridays and she wears sequins on Fridays. She's a lawyer, she works sequins into anything and she's got gray hair. She's in her forties. She's amazing because she's part of that 63% of the women who just realized that they don't give a crap anymore about what other people think and they're going to do what they want to do. And I think her story is like maybe she just got a divorce and she moved, or it was a really very, very common struggle with women our age and she just embraces it and and I'll put her account in the show notes as well but she's definitely somebody you might want to follow.
Speaker 2:I think for a lot of women, whether it's a wardrobe choice or a tattoo or a piercing, it's not always necessarily a late-life revelation either, where they just discovered hey, I'd like to start doing this. It's probably something that's been lying latent for a long time that they just never felt they could, whether they didn't feel like they could pull it off, whether they had overbearing people around them spouse, family, coworkers, whatever saying you shouldn't do that, wear that, be that and now they just say you know what, Screw it. I like this and this makes me happy, so I'm going to do this thing and screw you if you don't like it. Can I buy a Porsche? Listen, I know what your car situation is right now. I don't know that I would recommend it. You do have a kid going off to college soon, but if that's a crisis, that's the crisis.
Speaker 2:If we can get a sponsorship for the cars, then maybe we can work on that, Okay?
Speaker 1:Well then I'll just get a tattoo.
Speaker 2:We'd love to hear from you. Give us a follow on Instagram at Everything Hurts Life. Join the discussion over in our Facebook group and send us an email at ouch at everything hurts dot life. All links can be found in the show notes.