58. What to Do With Sentimental Furniture Without Guilt or Family Pressure

When you inherit a piece of furniture from someone you love, the decision about what to do with it rarely feels straightforward.

In this episode, we talk about why sentimental furniture carries more weight than we expect. It is not just about whether a chair fits your space. These pieces often represent family roles, shared history, grief, and sometimes unspoken expectations.

We explore:

• Why inherited furniture can feel heavier than other belongings
 • How family dynamics surface during downsizing conversations
 • What is really underneath the guilt that shows up when you consider letting something go
 • How to separate the memory from the object
 • Practical ways to preserve the story without feeling obligated to keep the piece

If you are helping a parent downsize, navigating inherited furniture after a loss, or quietly wondering why one item in your home feels harder than the rest, this conversation will give you a clearer framework.

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Transcript

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Jodi Rosko 0:01

Welcome back to another episode of the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast with your hosts Jody Roscoe and Heather Fisher. We're talking about all things downsizing, from our own experiences with clients to guest experts. Let's make downsizing easier, one conversation at a time.

Heather Fisher 0:17

Hi, welcome to Downsizing Roadmap Podcast. Today, we've got a topic that can weigh heavily on people. And also just by the volume, the bulk and the size of it can be a big um stopping point in getting rid of clutter and and reducing what you have. So we're talking about sentimental furniture, and when that becomes a stand-in for grief or identity or maybe people that aren't with you anymore, that um just having that makes you feel closer to them.

Jodi Rosko 0:54

Yeah, like a little bit past like sh, you know, should I keep it? Well, should the the should word is always, you know, guilt left. Um guilt is not a gift, right? Um so uh should you, but why are you? Like what is the deeper, you know, part of it? Do you love it? If you love it, great. Then we don't even need to talk about it. But if you don't love it and you're keeping it, why? What's going on there?

Heather Fisher 1:18

Yeah, a good question to to start with as you're looking at something like that is do I want this piece, uh, you know, whatever it is, in my future, or am I just afraid of being the one who lets it go?

Jodi Rosko 1:32

Yeah, that is so guilt-driven right there, like so guilt-driven, right? Um I we we this topic I think resonates a little bit because we just we see so many people and we are in so many people's houses, you know, as we're talking about having helping them downsize or helping them move, and we get, you know, hey, that was grandma's hutch, that was, you know, mom's sewing machine, you know, that was this, that, and the other thing. And sometimes they say it in ways like, um, oh my gosh, that was my grandma's hutch, and it, you know, I it holds that china that was hers too, and it just makes me happy. And sometimes they say it like, that's my grandma's old sewing machine, and I don't know what to do with it. And and but there it is. But and they say it, I don't want to do it in a way like I feel like I shouldn't get rid of it because it was my mom's. And I'm talking about when I say that, that's usually like those ones in the wood, like the whole big sewing machine. Because it doesn't really have the furniture piece purpose. I mean, it's a sewing machine, but it's like it's not like you can store things in it really, because the sewing machine was in it. So um and they they kind of feel like, and it's not just those things, but they kind of feel like I don't I shouldn't get rid of it, shouldn't get rid of it. And um so digging a little deeper with yourself on that of why is that, what what m what what what are you what's resonating inside you around that, and is that something you should hold on to or something that you can let go of once you let go of those reasons?

Heather Fisher 3:02

I think we're at the cusp of um, you know, seeing that full circle change in society with that more disposable lifestyle, is that things have come down through generations uh stopping at the you know some of the generations we're at now because they were treasured as setting up that next household with the hand-me-downs from other generations and just really um different quality of furniture and things that were built. And so it came down. And so likely things have come for generations without the guilt. And now we're in a society where you can run out and have, you know, well, you don't even have to run out, you have it delivered to your door within a couple days. Um, you know, something that is a changing style, you can change that more often, your decor changes more often, it doesn't stay the same for 40 years like it has in past generations, um, but then the guilt comes with it because you're the first generation to have to say, I'm okay with getting rid of it and make that that breaking point of I don't need this and frankly I don't want the style of it. You know, I I love the person that it came from, but I don't necessarily want it.

Jodi Rosko 4:32

I think that you know, people living longer, um they uh you know the adult kids already have the house fully set up too. Like I think that is something that happens and um you know so they don't have anywhere to put it. Like they already have lots of their own things as well. Um and i furniture, like you said, is more disposable, less expensive. It used to be really expensive to buy furniture, and so you did hand it down, or maybe grandpa made that table, you know, or you know, whatever that is, and so you did hand it down because it wasn't as easy to get it, didn't come to your door, um, and it was more expensive, you know, relatively in in the time frame. Um and so now because we have those kind of obstacles around it, we can make decisions about whether we want to keep it or not. Um, but our emotions, and you know, some people are very sentimental and some people aren't. If you're not a sentimental person, this probably is not a problem for you. But if you are a sentimental person, this is stuff that can really, really weigh on you. And stuff is heavy, I think, you know, physically heavy, but also very emotionally heavy. And so it can weigh on you in a way that it actually like weighs on your life. Like it can, you know, uh crowd your spaces and weigh in your mind and those kind of things.

Heather Fisher 5:49

Yeah, absolutely. I think that um there's a when uh someone's household is dealt with when they pass away too, um, a lot of things get moved in that you know, I need to get this out of the house, and you know, a feeling of perceived value of because things are bigger, furniture, whatever, that it has more of a value and just giving it all away feels bigger than it actually is in a monetary value. Yeah. Just because of it's big, it's size. It's not two boxes at the you know, donation center, it's a truck full of things. Um, so it comes where maybe it shouldn't. And then you have the feeling of ownership layered on top of it, um, and and filling five. Yeah, and figuring out the logistics now that you've spent went to all that trouble to get it unloaded, you know, at the next place. It just is a cycle that's a little bit harder to break with with these big items.

Jodi Rosko 6:57

Yeah, we have a stat where it says 53% of boomers um are keeping furniture solely out of guilt. Oh my gosh. That's more than half. Yes. More than half. Yeah. Um, and that they're they're not storing furniture, they're storing like the pressure to keep somebody else's legacy, right? It was something that they chose, or maybe it got given down to them and they couldn't deal with getting rid of it, or whatever that is. But it wasn't something you chose. It's something that is yours now without your choice. Yeah. And so, you know, you're you're preserving their legacy or their procrastination or whatever that is. Um, and and so you're feeling guilty about it. I think one of the first places you can really think is where is it in the house? Is it in the basement? Yeah. Or the garage, or the storage area, or the guest room? Yeah. Or, you know, like where where did you find to put it kind of first gives you an idea of j is that something that you love and you want in a prominent place because you love to look at it, or is that something you've found a place for in your home because you feel like you need to keep it?

Heather Fisher 8:06

Yeah. I have a a table from uh when my when my grandpa passed away, my grandma had already passed away. Gosh, I was 20, I think. So it's been a long time. And there was a side table that had lived in their um like dinette area in their house. Um, and that was one thing, you know, when we were asked if we wanted anything, I wanted that, and it um it lived through apartments I lived in at the time and house I was in for 20 years, and now that we're in our new house, like it holds the memory from my grandparents' house and it holds the memory of where it lived in the house, you know, where I raised my kids, and there is no place for it that makes sense, not even just looks-wise, but there's not a place that makes sense in my new house. And I'm like struggling a little. I mean, this episode resonates a little bit because the place it will land is the basement. Right. And not in use, and I'm like, oh, do I keep that? And I mean I shouldn't. And I haven't made that that final step yet of it.

Jodi Rosko 9:21

Well, and I think that you hit on it exactly right because w it the sentimental part of it is like, oh, that's proof that I loved my grandparents, or that's you know, proof that it, you know, it's a symbol of your childhood there. Memories around your life. Yeah, the memories. Yeah. Um, and you know, maybe you feel a little bit of obligation to keep it since you've had it so long and you you've been the one who's been shepherding it through, you know, life for a while. And so um, you know, yeah. That's where the sentimental feelings come in.

Heather Fisher 9:53

Um Yeah, but if but like Jody said, if if it's only the those sentimental feelings and it's in your garage or your basement, you're not honoring it. Yeah, you're not honoring it, and um it's time to just keep those stories and let it go serve a purpose.

Jodi Rosko 10:59

Because then it turns into you look at it and you're uh in the basement, you look at it and you're like, oh yeah, that's over there. Like not like, oh, I remember my grandparents. You know, like it just turns into a different kind of thing.

Heather Fisher 11:10

It's even more guilt that I'm not honoring it by having it out and using it. Right. Yeah. So many emotional layers, guys.

Jodi Rosko 11:20

Yeah, it is. And and sometimes, and we've met um we've met these people many times. They are the default keeper of the things, right? And so if somebody in the family can't make a decision about what should happen with these things, then somebody gets it often the oldest adult daughter. Ask us how we know. Um but but that's or you know, or the one who's sentimental. There's you know, usually if you have siblings, there's somebody who's sentimental and something's happening with the stuff, and the that one will be like, oh, it's fine, I'll take it to my house. Even whether they don't have room or not. And so we've had people come up to us um at our classes and be like, I have all of my grandma's stuff, and all of my, you know, my mom just passed away, now I have all her stuff, and I'm like, where do you live in your house? Like, how do you breathe through that?

Heather Fisher 12:14

You know you I mean I gosh, we had that conversation with someone we met a couple years ago, and she was talking about m one of their relatives. She had had, I think, a storage unit or two of their stuff, and we're like, Okay, and you know, in talking with her, she was okay to give it up, but she's like, But my dad doesn't want me to.

Jodi Rosko 12:37

Yeah.

Heather Fisher 12:38

And so she was carrying his guilt as an emotion on herself now, and it was just such a cycle of, you know, when you're that keeper um of the family.

Jodi Rosko 12:50

And I bet they couldn't even dad probably couldn't, and she probably couldn't name ten things that were in that storage unit. They just knew that as a collection it was ma grandma's and now, you know, we have to keep it, right? And so not the individual things or you know, any of it. It's just this, you know, and sometimes um when you have grief, like you you feel like that it's almost a blanket of the stuff. Comfort, you know, like it and so um sometimes you have to sit with that for a little while and decide whether that's something you know that will pass through, like as i in that. So some reflection questions you could ask yourself is like, would you keep it if you didn't know who it belonged to?

Heather Fisher 13:30

Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 13:30

Like if you didn't know whose it was, yeah, would you keep it?

Heather Fisher 13:34

Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 13:36

Would you keep the table if you didn't know whose it was?

Heather Fisher 13:39

No. I think another for the way I when I was thinking about that question, I think another question you could ask is would you go buy this at a garage sale or an estate sale? Because it is you, I mean it's your family's, but it's still a used thing. Right. Would you buy it again? Yeah, would you go buy it again at a thrift store or an estate sale or a garage sale? Yeah. Would you pick that out?

Jodi Rosko 14:04

Yeah. Are you preserving that person or are you just avoiding the pain of letting it go? Or does letting that piece of furniture feel like letting the person go? Right? I think that's where it kind of gets all left, you know, jumbled up in the emotion of, you know, you don't want to let your memories of that person go or let, you know, feelings of that person go. And so um that thing kind of gets stuck in the middle of it, even though it's just stuff, it gets kind of stuck in in there.

Heather Fisher 14:33

Well, I we've talked about this so many times, but I think it's the you know, the crux of the situation is when you are holding on to things because of who they belonged to, how many things is that? Right. And by making a conscious choice to honor those things that represent them best, or represent y memories between the two of you best, or represent their legacy best, then you are truly honoring that person. But when you're burdening yourself with the bulk of everything they owned to some degree, then that is never the path that's gonna make you feel the best inside or treasure and honor their person that that person them in the best way.

Jodi Rosko 15:22

Yeah, because I mean I have lots of things in my house that aren't any kind of a legacy about me or you know, who I am or who I was or, you know, like even in a different time in my life, like they're just there because they've been there. Yeah. And so um trying to decide without the stuff, without looking at it, without, you know, like thinking of the person and maybe writing, journaling a little bit about what their mem what your memories are of them as a legacy, and you know, kind of coming up with that and then looking at that thing within the framing of that is, you know, does that fit into that?

Heather Fisher 16:04

Yeah. Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 16:05

And you can only keep ten or fifteen things, maybe tell yourself that fit into that framing, and is this one of the most important things? And I'm not saying that because we think you should like let go of everything. I'm saying that because the more things you have, the less things are special, right? And so you can't honor all the things. It just doesn't work like that. And you genuinely, if you give, if you really think about it, you don't love them all the same. You just don't.

Heather Fisher 16:32

Yeah, and it's asking yourself, what's what's the story around that thing? Is the story, you know, this was out on the Christmas table for Christmas dinner every year, and I love it so much, and I, you know, want to use this on my own table because it reminds me of my grandma or my mom or whoever, or is the story just like, I don't know, great Uncle Tom owned that, and you know, we should keep it because it was his. Yeah. And you don't even know the story. Um, there's just such a difference in in the clarity that those questions can bring.

Jodi Rosko 17:10

Well, and I think the stories can go on without the stuff so easily, it doesn't. And okay, so let's I have this advent calendar that I've had since the kids were little. And at some point, you know, one of them can have it, but both of them can't have it.

Heather Fisher 17:24

Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 17:24

And so if if they even want it, but they can absolutely take that tradition of an advent calendar of their own and tell their kids, you know, grandma did this for me, you know, and s it doesn't even have to be the same thing. So if that's a a legacy story they want to honor around, you know, their childhood and me, then they can do that without the stuff at all. And so it really isn't about the stuff. So if you don't love it, like again, you have permission to let it go because those stories are really what what matters. So sometimes, sometimes there's fallout with with the family, you know, tension because you know mom or somebody will be like, okay, here's this stuff, who wants it? And then nobody wants it. And then there's some hurt feelings, and then somebody's like, Well, you should take it, you know, not I'll take it, but you should take it. And, you know, this whole kind of guilting uh because mom's not getting rid of it, which it's really hard to deal with. And it's fine to ask if, hey, does anybody want it, but not in a way of like somebody here is required to take it in this room, you know, before we leave this house. And um so sometimes, sometimes everybody wants it, but sometimes nobody wants it, and they don't want to hurt mom's feelings, or mom's feelings are getting hurt, you know, or whatever that is. And so you have to just be cognizant that the stuff is not the person.

Heather Fisher 18:54

Right. And and it's not a reflection, I mean it it's not a reflection of their love or care for the person, especially if nobody wants it. That you know, there's the you can't pass that guilt of, well, you should take it.

Jodi Rosko 19:07

Yeah, you didn't want dad's desk, but that means you didn't love dad. No, no.

Heather Fisher 19:11

Yeah. But you're not holding that guilt up as a mirror to yourself, which you should not do. Right. You can't just reflect that onto somebody else.

Jodi Rosko 19:20

It's okay. And if you're the one being the keeper of all the things, um, that's also your choice. So own that because you could say no. I know that's hard and it feels like hard, but you can't like blame your siblings, you know.

Heather Fisher 19:37

That they said no and you didn't. Yes.

Jodi Rosko 19:39

Yes. Yeah. So that's that's some tough love right there, but that's the truth. You know, you can't be like, I have all this stuff in my house, and you know, my my pa my k sisters and brothers wouldn't take anything.

Heather Fisher 19:51

You wouldn't have to take it either. Yeah. Yeah. I think, you know, if anything, we are the permission givers. You have permission to, you know, let go of those things that aren't serving your life where you're at, and let go of that guilt.

Jodi Rosko 20:06

Because there will be things that do remind you of that person that you might want to keep, or maybe there's nothing and you just want to keep the stories and you want to keep them in your heart, or you want to turtle them down, or you want to have a video of them, like whatever that is, maybe you are like a total minimalist and you don't need any of the stuff, but you you know, you have the stories.

Heather Fisher 20:26

Yeah, or the tradition of um, you know, things in action, you know, being someone that reads tons of books to your grandkids because your grandparents read tons of books to you, and it doesn't need to be all the same books, but you're carrying on those legacies and sharing that. I love reading to you. I used to love when you know my grandma read to me, and you're passing on um those legacies through actions and traditions versus a whole lot of stuff.

Jodi Rosko 21:00

Right, right. So um guilt, uh, resentment, like these are not things that we want to have uh looking at an object, have that emotional reaction to, right? We don't need things in our house that when we look at them we feel guilty or we feel resentful or you know, any of that. So if that's what's happening, like I don't want this item, but I feel terrible to let it go. Um the I don't want this item is the end of the sentence, honestly.

Heather Fisher 21:33

Yeah, it but I think starting with that's normal. There's lots of situations where lots of us have that same tug of war, and then it's just getting to that, okay, but the I don't want it is the end of the sentence. So, you know, I think we've all at various times struggled with that guilt of, well, someone else wants me to keep this or do this, uh, but I don't want to. Um and just getting past that.

Jodi Rosko 22:01

So remember though that um they didn't make the decision to let it go either. Like them wanting you to have it was them not making a decision. Right. Right. Um and so um, you know, we've had people who have and you know designed their whole room around mom's piano or that nobody plays and they don't even like it, or you know, other things that they just feel like I need it, I had to keep that. Um and they don't they don't love it. So life's short, guys. Like, you know, love the space you're in. Don't don't live in a house where you're feeling guilty and resentful when you look at the things that are there.

Heather Fisher 22:38

All of those, you know, little uh pings of emotion will hit you every day in your space, and it's just not a way to live, you know, walking By even if you're not consciously thinking about it, it's in there if you truly don't like it and love your space because you've burdened it with these things you should keep. That that's hitting you at a level every day a little bit, and you can gain so much by um just cleaning that out.

Jodi Rosko 23:06

Yeah, and are you making decisions on love or fear? Like from love or fear? Fear is um I'm gonna forget them, I'm gonna, you know, feel bad if I let it go. Love is like, oh my gosh, I look at that thing and I just I remember my mom sitting in that chair and it makes me so happy. You know, what right? It should it should feel like that or it should you sh we we're giving you the permission to let it go and give yourself that permission. Really think about it and be like, okay, it's okay. I can still love that person and not keep every single thing they owned or way too many things they owned or any of the things they owned.

Heather Fisher 23:37

Yeah, so there's definitely ways that you can, you know, keep that story alive without keeping all the stuff, you know, creative ways, meaningful ways. Um, but photographs um are are a great, you know, we're not advocating we're advocating curating your photos down to those important things, but this would be a great thing to have, you know, a framed photo of you know grandma at that piano, right? Um sitting in the chair, sitting in that, playing that, and you know, if you've had it for a long time and you had another generation that enjoyed it, you know, side-by-side photos, those are wonderful ways to get rid of some of the bulk, but to keep it and make sure you're making notes on your photos if you have physical photos of who it is and time frames, um, that makes the story a lot easier to keep.

Jodi Rosko 24:32

Yeah, you can even video story, right? Like you can do um journaling, any of that stuff, you know, photos and a little journal under it about what it is. Yeah. Make a little video around it. Take a little piece of it. You know, is it you if it's a whole armoire or dresser or something, you could take a little knob or take a little piece of the upholstery and you know, put it into something else, put it into a little book and you know, write about it.

Heather Fisher 25:00

Yeah, I think there's lots of ways you can repurpose things if they're not getting use um in the way that they currently are. You know, we see lots of um China hutches get converted to bar cabinets or coffee cabinets, things like that. Um maybe taking the top piece, you know, those big sometimes two-piece hutches. You could use, you know, the bottom as a furna piece of furniture that works in your house, uh painting or restaining things. When you're continuing that story in a way that you do love the new style, um, you don't have to feel bad about the changes. Um, like Jody said, you could take just the drawer pulls off of an older piece of furniture and reuse those on something that fits in your home better. Um, or you know, there's lots of projects if you're handy converting like bed headboards into benches and entry tables and all the things I don't know how to do.

Jodi Rosko 26:02

Yeah, just go on printers, you'll see all the things.

Heather Fisher 26:04

Yeah, lots of ways to keep um a piece of it just reused um in a smaller way or a different way that works for you. Um and I was thinking back, we did that episode a while ago on um the Swedish Death Cleaning book, and they were talking about when you're re-homing something when you're passing it on, tucking a little note with the story um in in when you're donating it or giving it to someone who can use it. So I think you know, just not even knowing where that story will go um and the little spark of joy it'll give someone else to hear hear that later on when they find it.

Jodi Rosko 26:46

And they love it. Like they're when they find it and they're looking at it, they're like, that fits right into my decor. That's the perfect thing. And then they get the story about it and it makes it so much more special for them.

Heather Fisher 26:56

Yeah, and they can continue that on and and keep it. I love that idea.

Jodi Rosko 27:01

Um I think when you tell the story too, it is easier to let it go sometimes. Like um, and so and people hear the story and you just share the story, sometimes that's enough, and you realize the thing isn't that important once you've said the story.

Heather Fisher 27:16

Like, yeah, absolutely. And and then you're just kind of passing it on with that note to the end. Yeah, yeah. I love that. And I like it too. Um, you can create a legacy album or a legacy box if it's um a lot of things from one person, and that's back to curating what are the most special places. Maybe you have a shelf um, you know, where you're displaying a couple of those most important items as a comfort to you to see every day, um, but you're really making it a legacy and not uh just a basement full of boxes you're not sure what's in there or rooms of furniture that doesn't give you purpose or love of them.

Jodi Rosko 27:59

Yeah. Yeah. And things can be really cool or interesting or whatever, and still not have a place for in your in your life. And that's okay. Like somebody else is going to really appreciate them and uh pass that on.

Heather Fisher 28:16

Yeah, I think that that is always the best way to look at it. If it's not serving you, who could it serve? Either in a functional way or just a love of the unique items.

Jodi Rosko 28:28

Yeah. Yeah. And if you find, oh my gosh, I really do love that, then put it somewhere where you can see it, what you know, in a place of honor that makes you really, you know, appreciate it. And if you don't feel like you want to do that with the item, then that's telling you something too.

Heather Fisher 28:44

Yeah. And when you're looking to re-home things, I think we see this, uh I've seen this. Um if if you've had something for a long time, um, definitely check with family first because something that might have been a no at the phase that they were in at the first time, you can definitely ask again and say, okay, you know, I've had um this bedroom set from mom and dad's house um, you know, in my spare bedroom, but we're redoing it, who wants it now? And there may be those younger generations that are at their first apartment or um, you know, phases that they weren't at the first time things were asked about. Yeah. Um so do make sure you check with family, and but if it's a no, no pressure, no guilt, right? Then you find um, you know, someone else that can use it.

Jodi Rosko 29:34

Yeah, and if you ended up with your, you know, parents' things and it was a quick thing, something happened that was fast, um, definitely ask your your you know family if that if there are things in there that they want and be and don't make choices like get rid of half of it first and then ask them because you think, oh, that's all the stuff that's not important, because the things that are important to people don't necessarily aren't the most expensive thing. They're you know, they may not be anything that you think about at all, but in their childhood, this happened around that thing, and that's the one thing they want. So um, so just ask first before you get rid of any of it, um, and then again, no guilt if they don't want to, it's okay.

Heather Fisher 30:17

Guilt is not a gift, right? Yeah. So hopefully this helps just if you're struggling with some of those big heirloom items, um, especially furniture and those big items, to just realize um what is your story you're telling yourself around it, and is that bringing you happiness or burden and what to do with it next. We've got lots of resources in our other podcast episodes. We hope that you take a listen and give us some feedback or reviews if they're helpful to you, and our website, downsizingroadmap.com. If there's anything you need or any topics you want us to address, just reach out and let us know. Talk to you soon. Thanks for joining us on the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast. If you found this episode helpful, be sure to subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with someone who might need a little downsizing inspiration. Have questions or ideas for future episodes, reach out to us on our website, www.downsizingroadmap.com. Until next time, let's keep simplifying and moving forward.