60. How to Help Your Parents Downsize Without Taking Over

Many adult children want to help their parents downsize, but the process can quickly become stressful when help begins to feel like pressure. Parents often want support while still maintaining control over the decisions about their home and belongings. Adult children want progress, but they also want to protect the relationship.

In this episode of the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast, Jodi Rosko and Heather Fisher talk about how families can approach downsizing in a way that keeps the parent in control while still allowing the process to move forward. They explain the common mistakes adult children make when trying to help and how a different approach can lead to far better outcomes.

If you are beginning to help your parents simplify their home or prepare for a move, this episode will help you understand how to offer support without stepping into a role that feels controlling. When parents remain the decision-makers and adult children focus on supporting rather than directing, families are far more likely to make steady progress without creating unnecessary tension.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why downsizing conversations between parents and adult children often become difficult
 • The difference between supporting a parent and taking over the process
 • How to start the downsizing conversation in a way that encourages cooperation
 • Practical ways adult children can help without removing a parent’s independence
 • Why families make more progress when parents remain the decision-makers

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Transcript

Jodi Rosko 0:01

Welcome back to another episode of the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast with your hosts Jody Roscoe and Heather Fisher. We're talking about all things downsizing, from our own experiences with clients to guest experts. Let's make downsizing easier, one conversation at a time.

Heather Fisher 0:17

Hi, welcome to the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast. We're excited to be here today. Lots of our episodes are talking directly to people thinking about downsizing, but being adult children ourselves, we like to pop in and give some episodes for all of the other adult kids out there helping their parents and just working through this whole process as a family. So today that's what we're talking about. Some some ways to support your downsizing parents without taking over and kind of steamrolling the whole process. Yep. I'm Heather Fisher.

Jodi Rosko 0:57

And I think um I think it's really easy to steamroll the process, and I think there's a lot of kind of friction that happens around this sometimes. And I think there's ways that you can deal with it. But I think, you know, being one of these people, um, I feel like we are in ch you know, we have kids still, we have parents that we're aging parents that we're dealing with, we have jobs, we have spouses, it's really hard. And there's a lot of um just l overwhelm around it. And because of that, we end up kind of trying to just control it all and just be, you know, put it into the another list of things that we're gonna get done. And unfortunately, it's not it doesn't work like that. It just doesn't work like, okay, I can just handle this um because it's your parents and it's it's a whole different ball game. And so yeah, I think I think talking about it and just kind of giving some ideas will maybe hopefully help you uh you know navigate it a little bit differently than I did.

Heather Fisher 2:02

Yeah, guys, the the emotions and the struggles through this process are there for all of us. It's very normal. The emotions, the the frustrations that can come in families uh during these phases, very normal. But we're gonna talk through um you know why some of it looks the way it does and how you can maybe get through it a little easier as a team together uh with your parents um and and through the process without the chaos.

Jodi Rosko 2:31

Yeah, we um so so 72% of adults over 60 say that staying independent is their top priority. And we literally just did um an episode, a couple back uh and go listen to it about independence and why why we're like that. Um but it is so strong, it's such a strong um f thing in our country, um wanting to be independent. And so when we start trying to take control of it, um then our parents feel like we're you know taking away their independence. And so then they just you know dig their heels in, hit the brakes.

Heather Fisher 3:08

Yeah, yeah, but then surveys also tell us, you know, a little conflicting here, that eight in ten um adults say they do want help. They just want it in the right way. Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 3:20

Which is really hard because you're already navigating and you're like, ah, let me just help you. Um but I think we're understanding how much they need that feeling of independence, um, then we have to navigate it through that feeling or around that feeling, or being cognizant of how we're not stepping on that independence as we move through it, and it'll just be smoother for you and easier for you.

Heather Fisher 3:43

And so I'm saying uh uh off finding ways to offer it uh that will be well received so that progress can be made and decisions can be made and um you get through it.

Jodi Rosko 3:54

Less frustration on both sides, honestly.

Heather Fisher 3:57

Absolutely, absolutely.

Jodi Rosko 3:59

Okay, so let's start with understanding the real reason that downsizing is hard, right? So it's not about the stuff at all. I mean, it seems like it's about the stuff because you'll go over to your parents' house and be like, oh my gosh, there's so much stuff, what are we gonna do with it? But we can't start with the stuff. Um we have to start with their motivation to to move, or maybe they don't have any and that's a problem for you, and you're worried about that, but um but that's where it needs to start.

Heather Fisher 4:25

Yeah, step one in our downsizing process is dream it. And um, you know, if if it's you're the adult kid and it's your parents, um, that can be a conversation you can talk through and and maybe help them dream it with some questions, and I'm sure we'll get to a couple of those here as we go on, but just asking those right questions to dig for the motivation. Um if they're saying they want to downsize but they don't know how to get there, um, you know, questions around the motivation and and how you can help them get there will work. If they're just saying, we don't want to leave this house, but you're seeing red flags as to why that might be, um, those questions and understanding their reasons will help with that too. Um, you know, some of that self-discovery of of how things can be easier.

Jodi Rosko 5:22

Yeah, because because it's not about the stuff in the house. I mean, it will be logistically about the stuff at some point. But in the beginning, it's about their identity and what that looks like and how it's tied to the house, and the memories of the house, and all kinds of, you know, emotional stuff about the house. Yeah. The stories and who they are and who they used to be in that house and who they might want to be in the future. And so it's it's really deeper, really deep stuff actually. Um, and so making that shift in like what is my you know new life gonna look like, what are my new routines gonna look like, what's my new space gonna look like, who am I gonna be when I'm in that new, you know, place? What am I gonna get to do? Um, what don't I have to do anymore? You know, yeah pros and cons of all of that stuff. So I think when as you know, the adult kid, um you just want to get over there and focus on the tasks, like, okay, what do I need to do to help you get to where you need to go? And first, if you want that to go smoothly, they you they have to figure out what that looks like. And if they're not doing that and you're worried that they need to, then what are ways that you can ask them some questions and ease into it so that you both understand what their motivation could be, and then you can work from that motivation into the other logistical stuff that needs to happen.

Heather Fisher 6:47

Yeah, absolutely. I think you know, control over our own um independence, our own life matters to us all at every age. We see that with our kids when they're younger, when they're learning that balance of Yeah, yes, exactly. The crane kids are at that age, and um, you know, it starts so young where you want to start doing things on your own, but you still need help. Um, and we all, you know, want to not be a burden, not to have to have people have to help us, but we need it sometimes.

Jodi Rosko 7:23

Yeah, and I think um most of most parents, well most people in general don't just want to be told what to do. They want to be part of that process of figuring out what that looks like. And um I think what happens to, and sometimes this happens and you can't help it if there's memory or cognitive problems, but that role role reversal where you are now the parent of your parents, um, doesn't go over really well. And the your parents don't want you to do that, and um you don't want to do it probably. It it all feels super awkward and weird. Um and so when you kind of steamroll in with like, okay, this is what we're doing and you need to move mom and dad and whatever, then you're just gonna get pushback in in that and feeling like you're now, you know, I I'm your parent and I, you know, don't tell me what to do because you're the kid and all, you know, all kinds of stuff that they still do want the help, they do want it, but just it is the way that it it's presented.

Heather Fisher 8:26

Yeah, um, you know, along with m change and you get a a loss of the familiar and that produces stress. When things are changing, that produces stress. And um the earlier you start these conversations, the more time you have to go at a pace that feels comfortable. Um, it will make the situation much easier than just coming in at the last minute and like, well, you've been talking about this for two years, let's go. And doing everything all at once can just build up that stress of change happening too fast and um, you know, causing problems.

Jodi Rosko 9:05

Yeah, and in full transparency, this is exactly how I went at my mom. Um, mom, we need to do this, we need to do that, like, you know, and it did not go well. So I'm, you know, I this is genuine like our own life experience as well.

Heather Fisher 9:22

Yeah, I'm I'm sure that I come in, you know, with just a lot of information. Um, when I've helped my parents, you know, we have a lot of resources and I've dealt with clients doing this, so I'm like, of course, I know exactly what you need to do, and I know I've been at fault of not taking the time to um, you know, talk through those emotions around it or to have patience for, you know, slower decision making or slower understanding of information that I'm more familiar with than my parents.

Jodi Rosko 9:55

Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Like we are in a place where we we have to make quick decisions at work, we have to make quick decisions with the kids, like we are quick decision making, you know, our whole life is like that. And there that's not a quick decision. Like that whole process of moving downside, it's not a quick decision, it's a big life change. And so we might think we can see so clearly like exactly what needs to happen, and like, come on, why are you waiting? Let's get on with it, and make those quick decisions. But um, patience, I mean, you you just have to have the patience to you know throw that out there, let it marinate a little bit, you know, have them start to think about what that looks like and um and it's their life in the end, it is their life in the end, and so how um how do they see it and then how can we make that happen really is what the role of of us should be.

Heather Fisher 10:47

Yeah, so if you're looking at um, you know, how to have that first conversation without just being hit with defensiveness and um you know having it feel abrupt, you need to start with curiosity and not just come in with solutions that you've decided on and saying this what is what needs to happen, um, but really just asking a lot of questions to to make sure number one that that is the right solution and number two to get them on board with that solution and come to that realization through the questions you ask.

Jodi Rosko 11:23

Yeah, I think self-discovery always works so much better than you know being told something. So um leading up down a path of self-discovery will get you so much farther, so much faster. Because faster is what you want in the end. Um so to get there faster, have them self-discover what needs to happen, and then you know, that will go much faster than any kind of you know, head-on head kind of like you need to do this and I'm not doing it, and you know, whatever conversations m might be happening and if that's what's going on.

Heather Fisher 11:55

Yeah, so some questions you could start with is you know, what would make life feel easier right now? Have you thought about how you want the next few years to look? How can I support you in this process? Um, you know, just be then put your listening ears on and and listen for those answers and pick up those key things that they're saying on how you can plug in.

Jodi Rosko 12:20

Yeah, things like, you know, what do you want to spend your time doing? What do you not like spending your time doing?

Heather Fisher 12:25

What's hard for you at home?

Jodi Rosko 12:27

Yeah, yeah, yeah, is is it stairs? Is it too much, you know, landscaping? Is it just the whole house is too big? You know, what is it? What's going on? And even if you're seeing it and you know what it is, ask them anyways. Um and you know, don't be like the stairs are bad, right? You know, or whatever, like uh you need to do this, or it's time for you to do this, or you can't stay here forever, and you know, you need to start making decisions and you know, all of the things that you want to push them down the road because you see it so clearly yourself, um, let them self-discover. Like ask just ask curious questions. Mom, if you didn't have to take care of that, you know, all those flower beds you have, what would you do with your time, you know?

Heather Fisher 13:12

Yeah, yeah. I know, you know, last year we um several of us all met at my mom's and you know, did all the mulch for her um in her garden. She has a beautiful yard and has always had it well landscaped and she wasn't able to go do all of that that she used to, and we went and we did it. She was so appreciative, and you know, that was kind of step one. And then, you know, this year she's moved into some different landscaping plans where she's had a lot more of the beds kind of transition to very low maintenance plants and things that she won't have to be out there doing, and you know, it's just m self-discovering down that road of what will make it easier without just saying, okay, we're ripping all of this out, it'll be best for you. Or we're trying this. Yeah, yeah. Um, you know, there's ways to walk down that path um in little steps.

Jodi Rosko 14:08

Yeah. So um, yeah, so tr try not to take control. It's easy to think that, you know, you see it so clearly, but you are seeing it through your lens and not through their lens. Um, and their lens is, you know, has a lot more life experience and a lot more of their legacy inside of it and you know, memories and maybe even guilt, like all kinds of feelings that that their lens is looking at it through. So um give them time to warm up to it. It's it's not usually just a one-time conversation and um maybe you know, offer to to to go look at some places with them. Hey, you know, and it's okay if you don't want to move. I I would say things like that. It's okay. Um, but let's go see what else is out there, you know. Reach out to a realtor like us and kind of figure out what other options there are and do it together if that's something that they want to do. If they don't want to do it together, that's okay too. That means that's a piece of it you don't have to help with. But information always, always makes your decisions easier. And so, you know, try from different angles. If they want to hold on to all their stuff, then don't start with the stuff, start with something else.

Heather Fisher 15:19

Yeah, and you know, it's okay to just plant some seeds and revisit. There's a lot of us that, you know, need time to process things and to to think, and that self-discovery happens more in our in our head later versus you know, needing to get down to that last question and a solution in one conversation. Um, you know, just go a little bit further each time and plant some seeds and and move uh slowly down that path of the conversation if that's what works best.

Jodi Rosko 15:51

Yeah, find out what's most important to them, what's what's bothering them about their life, things that are you know bothering them and and help them to find their reasons, not yours, theirs. Um, and so that then they can that process can stay centered on them and you know what it is. So when they're trying to get rid of, you know, things and they're struggling with it, you can be like, you know, like you'll be able to travel once you get into that space that you know, but we don't have room for this there, or you know, whatever.

Heather Fisher 16:22

You can go back to whatever it is that is their buttons that they're excited about and I think realizing that values and emotions often matter much more than logistics and so asking those questions, um, you know, if you tour someplace and it's beautiful and you know has the medical services they need, or you know, everything seems right on paper, but you're getting a flat out no um, you know, from your parents, there's more questions, you know, what matters more being close to your friends, being close to your church, you know, the is it a social life or is it something they don't have that you really need? Just really asking those questions around what they value and um you know what their emotions are around it might you know how help you find that yes for them and and help through that. So make sure you're not just looking at the logistics like, okay, well you can afford it and they have a room. So this is great. This is where you should go. Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 17:28

And also the logistics will get so much easier once you've gotten past whatever um emotional bars are there.

Heather Fisher 17:39

Yeah, so uh just making sure that the process stays centered on that motivation will get you down the path. It's not about just renting a dumpster and throwing things away and not listening to the stories. Um, so let's talk a little bit about defining that role and how to figure out what role will work best with your parents and your family. Um, you know, kind of three different roles that we often see being able to fill. The facilitator, that is the person that is great with schedules and logistics, coordinating vendors, communicating with family. Um, you know, sometimes it's someone that's just the muscle. They're great, they're great for packing and lifting and donating, um, you know, hauling things away, just driving, um, you know, just being that person there. And then there's the person that's the emotional anchor. They're great at just sitting with those emotions and the hard decisions, um, being encouraging and reminding them about that motivation. I think it's funny, you know, reading this, um, you know, Jody's an only child, but I have siblings. And what you'll often find if you have siblings working together, that there's usually one of each or you know, playing different roles, and that works really well. So make a team. Um, if you've got siblings involved in the process, don't fight against how they are differently helping work together and find that uh, you know, that that just multiplies how easy the process can be.

Jodi Rosko 19:30

Yeah, because the facilitator, the scheduling logistics person is rarely the one who wants to sit and listen to the stories. Yeah. And um listening to their stories, I think, can uh actually uh allow them to let go. And so and it can be a really great bonding time for you, especially when you start uh going through this stuff and whatever. Um a lot of people find that once they've told their stories around it, they can let the things go. Uh uh and if you really, you know, need to or want to, you can video those stories, you can, you know, make audios of those stories or whatever that is. But even just the fact that they've touched it and they've said the story and realize that story might not be as important to their legacy or you know, whatever. They might not need it. Like they can tell that story and then let something go. We were I was going through my Christmas ornaments and my daughter was cracking up. She's I would tell her something about the ornament and then I would be like, but I don't I don't need that one. And you know, some of it was like, I don't know who that came from, but we've had it for whatever. That might be the story, and that's why I don't need it. But you know, I said something about most of them, and but just that it was almost like cathartic, like, oh, I've said what I need to say, and I don't I've realized I don't need it and I can let it go. But if you have somebody, if it's you or if you know, your brothers and sisters or their friends, you know, it doesn't have to be, you know, family, can sit and listen and be that emotional anchor, it can help that all go much more smoothly.

Heather Fisher 21:03

Yeah, so much of our lives and our identities are wrapped up in our stuff. And, you know, if it if you're giving it a feeling of, well, this is just junk, let's throw it in the dumpster without hearing those stories first and and just you know, valuing valuing that that is the life they live. That's the sum total of their life. It can be wrapped up in that house full of things. You know, make sure that you're not just rushing through to discount it and not getting to know your parents and their stories, and um you will treasure that later. And just like we talked about earlier, sometimes you have to slow down to make it go fast. This is one of those categories where you absolutely, if you slow down and listen to the stories, then it the logistics can go faster because you're not. Fighting against it.

Jodi Rosko 22:01

Yep. Yep. So don't y roles that you should avoid are, you know, boss like roles, like they're feeling, you know, pushed and they will shut down. Um they, you know, you sometimes when we try to be efficient, we sound bossy. You know, we're trying to just, hey, I'm here, I have two hours, like let's get this, you know, whatever. What are we doing? What are we doing? And just um roll with it. And whatever you get done in the two hours is still forward motion, right? And so um if you can find your pe patience and um sit back and just let it happen, you probably can get a lot done in two hours. But if your attitude around it is like, let's just get this done, then honestly it takes longer. And you know, ask me how I know. I'm just gonna say I was uh I struggled with this.

Heather Fisher 22:51

So well, I think our parents want time with us. We want time with our parents. And so if you can find that way that uh, you know, progress is progress, no matter how small, and make it quality time in whatever that looks like, then that is the place to to just keep going down the road. But if you're making that time just a fight or a battle, nobody feels good about that later. And you're you know, you're just taking away from that relationship instead of growing it and learning more about them and learning their stories and learning what they want their life to look like so you can support that.

Jodi Rosko 23:29

Yeah, and time is precious, right? And so if you only have a couple hours to spend with them, um you don't want it to be in frustration.

Heather Fisher 23:38

Exactly. Yeah, so exactly you said it well.

Jodi Rosko 23:40

Um so best ways to help um without taking over, right? So um we have to ask before we act. So don't start throwing things away when they're not looking, because they will know what it is. Um don't, you know, drag boxes out of storage and be like, this is the one we need to do. Just, you know, talk to them about, hey, I'm gonna come over what area do you want to work on? You know, where what what would be the best for you in these couple hours that we can start working on? And um otherwise, if you if you kind of start throwing things away or doing that kind of stuff, then you're gonna get mistrust and they're gonna be like, don't touch anything because I don't know what you're doing with it, you know, kind of kind of a thing. Even if your intentions are good and you're just trying to help them get where they said they want to go, um, you still have to just do it in a way that makes them feel um that they're in control of it.

Heather Fisher 24:31

Yeah, don't ever um lose that trust by just throwing things away when they're not looking and you know, moving things forward without that that permission and that joint decision. Um that's really important.

Jodi Rosko 24:45

Yeah. So ask them stuff like do you, you know, would you rather start in the kitchen or do you want to do the closet? Or um do you want me to photograph some of this stuff before we donate it? Is that something that you want to re you know, remember with a with a photograph? Or um you you know, should do you want me to reach out to the stake sale company and see, or do you want me to find them for you and give you the numbers and you can talk to them? Like, you know, just kind of how do you want to proceed, but like keep marching down the road, right?

Heather Fisher 25:12

Yeah, absolutely. I think that um you know, kind of tackling the the pieces that are maybe easier for you while not expecting that I mean I see this in technology. If you're able to scan photos and there's a certain stack, then focus on sorting, you know, through photos with your parent and then take the ones that need kept or the ones that need scanned and just do that. And you know, don't don't have a constant battle on well just scan them and you know, things that might be easy to do. Telling them to do this, yeah. Yeah. Um that can save a lot of frustration too, getting to the point where you can do something that maybe um you have a different skill level at um without just saying, well, just do that. It's easy.

Jodi Rosko 26:03

Yeah, it's not easy for them, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Um, and when you're sorting stuff, um if when you've gotten to the point where you're ready to, you know, come in and sort stuff, um, there's always like an easy win pile, right? Like there's always stuff that like nobody cares about. They don't really care about it, you don't really care about it. It's just kind of like so see if you can get through that and take it, take it out of the house, take it straight to donation, just get it out of the way, or call and have a donation scheduled so that you know, you know, in two weeks we're gonna have to put some stuff out front and what's it gonna be. Um, but get that start just getting things out of the house and the easy, easy wins. The hard stuff, put that aside, um, revisit it if when they have more energy. If there's a day where they're like, you know, I want to do photos, okay, you do photos, but realize that's not gonna be a super fast production like we're gonna get through of a lot of stuff on photo day. But you might hear some really great stories and you might really be able to connect with them in ways that you, you know, haven't. And so just be ready to spend your time doing that and know that you're still moving forward.

Heather Fisher 27:04

Yeah, we always um you know encourage starting with some momentum with some easy wins and then popping into the harder things and if you if it's too much, pop back out to something easier and you know just keep moving forward.

Jodi Rosko 27:20

Yeah. And if you know where they're gonna go and we know what the size of those rooms are and stuff, you can kind of get an idea and help them figure out like, hey, this is gonna fit and this isn't gonna fit, because we do see um a lot of times people will just take more stuff than than fits in their smaller new place, and then they feel crowded and claustrophobic in it, and then they're like, Oh, this wasn't a good choice, and it's like, nope, it was a good choice. We just didn't let go of enough things before we came here.

Heather Fisher 27:49

Yeah, I think we see too a lot of um people we meet just say, Well, I need to save all this because you know, this grandchild might want this for their first apartment, and this, you know, I'm saving this because, you know, so-and-so said they liked it at one point. Um, one way to really help is to be the facilitator of getting those things, getting the actual decisions from family on those things and helping get them out of the house. Um, because people can often save a whole house full of stuff with the expectation that, oh, somebody said they might, you know, be getting their first house soon and they're gonna want it or um whatnot. So if your family, you know, if your parents are holding on to stuff for lots of people in the family or for you, um, be the facilitator and get that out, get deadlines, um, move that out of the way, um, or get to the point where it's like, no, you know, we actually don't need that, you know, dining table anymore. Let's donate that or whatever the next step is. Um, don't let a pause, you know, don't be this the person that's causing the pause with your stuff being there or, you know, other family members.

Jodi Rosko 29:05

Yeah, we see so often that like they have um all of your high school stuff or all of your, you know, baby stuff or you know, whatever, and they're saving it for you. And if that's what they're doing, take the boxes, take them home, pick out what you want, if there's anything. I literally just went through my high school box and it had, you know, 90% stuff that I didn't want. It had like two things that I thought were cool that I wanted to keep. And, you know, it was done. Like it took me 15 minutes to go through that box, and my mom had kept it for me for, you know, years, many, many years. We're not gonna say how many years since high school, but a lot of years. And um so take that stuff off of their plate if they're saving it for you, and don't be like, mom, I don't want that, I never wanted that. Why'd you save it? Like, it's just not worth it. Those words are just not worth it. Take it home, figure out what it is you want, it's your stuff anyway. You know, you get to make all the choices about it. Their stuff they have to make the choices about. And if they're trying to give it all to you, um that's another story we'll talk about in a minute. But um, but your own stuff, we get we have so many people that are like, I have all my kids this, that, and the other stuff, and they need to come and get it. And we're like, well, tell them to come and get it, like now. Like, come and get it.

Heather Fisher 30:25

Yes, or have that conversation that you truly don't want it and work through that and and let it go.

Jodi Rosko 30:31

Yeah. So um if emotions start to run high, um, then just know that that's normal and be able to just look at it and take a breath. Like it's okay. Maybe today's we're done, you know, we're done for today, let's just have lunch instead now. Or, you know, not like we're done and I'm leaving, you know, kind of whatever, just kind of like a decision fatigue is a real thing, and depending on how emotional the things are that you're going through, um, they can only take so much. So when they start keeping everything, it's time to just stop. It's like they've hit their wall on how many decisions that they can make around whatever that area that you're working on is. And you can either go to a different area, say, hey, you know, this one's feeling hard, let why don't we go, you know, do the coat closet or something, or hey, let's take a break and sit down and have a drink, you know, like a cup of tea or whatever that is, you know, like let's sit down and have a little snack or something.

Heather Fisher 31:28

Regroup.

Jodi Rosko 31:29

Yep. So um, and we're not, you know, we're not trying to rush you, mom and dad, we're not trying to rush you. So even if you feel in your mind like get on with it, because that's how we feel usually.

Heather Fisher 31:42

Yeah, yeah, we've all been there. Um, so some of the hot button categories that are likely to bring on more of these emotions, um, they're all the hard categories that we talk about all the time, but photos, um heirlooms, gifts that you gave them that they're emotional about, collections, um, tools or hobby items tied to identity, wedding china, so much china and work. So much china.

Jodi Rosko 32:12

So much paperwork.

Heather Fisher 32:13

Yeah, paperwork.

Jodi Rosko 32:14

Oh, like your taxes from 1972, like we don't need them.

Heather Fisher 32:18

Yeah. Paperwork is so tough in this conversation because um you often need the knowledge of your parents to know what of their paperwork is important or not, because you know, you won't know their full scope in most cases. So you need them to do it, but it's overwhelming. Um, so you know, just kind of tackling that with let's help sort, let's put all the stuff from this bank in one pile and this, you know, medical medals. Yeah, whatever it is, and and helping with that.

Jodi Rosko 32:54

Um it is And if it's more than like 10 years old, all of it can go and you know, I can take this to the shredder for you or whatever, you know.

Heather Fisher 33:03

Yeah, so it's a category that you really need your parents' involvement in. Uh it will make things easier down the road if you ever need to step in and help, if it's already organized. So don't skip this category. Um, you know, help them get it organized for you and for themselves. Um, but do that with lots of, you know, just patience and sorting and like Jody said, getting what you don't need out of the house quickly and to a shred, you know, to the shredder and and do that for them.

Jodi Rosko 33:38

Yeah, we did an episode on paperwork with um, so go listen to that one if you're dealing with the paperwork and it will tell you all the things that you need to keep, um, you know, their marriage certificate and things that you, you know, documents that you need to keep, um, and then you know, all the stuff that you don't need to keep and and and if you can help them organize it, um, if it's not organized already, into one place, uh, that will help you down the road, honestly. Again, ask me how I know. Um, because um if it's all over the place um later, it will be very, very hard.

Heather Fisher 34:15

Yeah, and if you're moving, if you're helping your parents move to a smaller space, you know, overwhelming that new space with just boxes of paperwork that's not needed. Um, you know, we've seen that and it's just it's too much. It's not gonna add to uh the day-to-day of the new space. It will just make it overwhelming. So make sure to go through that. Um I think this is a great place too on some of the um other hot button categories, is being that resource to show your parents how they can save maybe just a piece or two and choose, you know, curate what to honor, um, different ways to honor something, hanging something on a wall, uh, you know, if you don't need your whole China collection, but you know, putting a couple of plates if you have multiple collections on the wall as art and you know, filling that new space with all of the things that they love in very small doses. Um so you're just keeping some of that um and honoring it. Yeah. Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 35:21

And then uh they're gonna want you to take things. And so um I I think that there needs to be a conversation around this of uh you don't have the space in in your house to take everything uh either, um, because it's not fair for them to just not make a decision on it and uh then just expect you to take it. And so I think that some things that you have to do there are um because you're gonna resent it later. You're gonna be like, ugh, mom made me take that and that and that, and then you're gonna feel claustrophobic in your own house around all of those things. And there will be things that you want, and so I think that you need to point out to them in the kindest way, um, you know, this tell me the story about it, like tell me why why this is important to you, you know, he listened to the story and hear it. And if that story resonates with you and that makes you want to keep it great, if it doesn't, then um you can say, Um, you know, I just I don't have a place for that, but it doesn't mean that you don't love them. I think that that's that's a whole like it's not all tied together. And mom, I really want to take this other thing because this is what I remember from growing up, and here's my story around it, and why I want to keep it and why it's so important to me and reminds me of you when I look at it. So can I just take this thing instead or you know, whatever, and so give them that it's not you do, you know.

Heather Fisher 36:46

I think those mental stories around items are so per personal and so different, you know. You can all grow up in the same family home, but the stories around items are different for me than they are for my sister or my brother, or um, you know, many stories my parents wouldn't even know uh how much something meant to me to always see one particular thing or remember, you know, uh interaction with them around it. And so that is so valuable what you just said is make sure you're telling those stories back as you're getting rid of things, like you know, I I know we have to let this go, but I do you remember that time when and tell those stories around your life with your parents and their you know, the stuff from your home. Um, that's so valuable to your parents as well and and such a great way to grow closer.

Jodi Rosko 37:45

Yeah, yeah. So um try not guilt's not a gift either way, like you know, them making you take something, you take, you know, all of it. It's not it's not a it's not a gift. Guilt's not a gift. So figure out how you can have that conversation. Take the things that you really do want that really remind you of them and who they um were in your past and what you know, those pieces that really make you look at them and go, oh gosh, that really reminds me of mom, makes me so happy. Um, and let the rest of it go and um don't feel like you have to take it because they want you to.

Heather Fisher 38:20

Yeah, the goal in this whole process is support, not winning an argument or you know, being right.

Jodi Rosko 38:27

Yeah, that's and that's hard. So um, and sometimes if it's something that's you you know I I I wouldn't say lie and take it and then get rid of it necessarily, but sometimes it's not worth that fight of like, yep, I can take that, and and then you know, maybe you keep it for a little bit, but not forever.

Heather Fisher 38:47

Yeah, so this whole process with our parents can bring in tension. Um, and so when that happens, um, you know, number one, take a pause and just step back and and switch to something that's less tension bringing. Um, but after that, there's a lot of neutral helpers you can bring in and lots that you may not have heard of. So if if it's your first time going through this with your parents, you might not have any idea that lots of services exist. Um, so we would love to share those with you. Um, you know, there are organizing companies that will help pack and sort and listen to the stories and help, you know, make those decisions, especially if you're out of state from where your parents are. That's hard to be there to do that all the time. Um there are, of course, contractors and and all the things that we as real estate agents have access to for getting the house ready to sell. There are move managers that specifically know the communities your parents might be moving into and can do that and unpack so that they're ready to, you know, sleep there and have breakfast the next morning. You might need an estate sale or consignment shops, donation resources. Those are all things we deal with daily. Yeah. If you're going through the paperwork and you're realizing you need, you know, elder law attorneys or financial planners, um, all of those resources, um, you know, they can take some of that load off.

Jodi Rosko 40:27

Yeah, and when somebody that's not you as the child as the child says something, even if it's the same thing you've been saying, they sometimes listen. And sometimes if you are genuinely, you know, putting on your patience, you know, and doing all of those things and you you aren't getting anywhere, um, sometimes it's really worthwhile to just have a neutral party come in and talk to them, you know, because there's lots of history with us with our parents, right? And so sometimes it's hard to get around the patterns that have happened in the past. And so um if you need somebody neutral to do that, um that can get rid of that friction so again you can move forward, they can move forward, and everybody can feel good about it.

Heather Fisher 41:13

Yeah, awesome. And your role is then to just be the supporter, um, let your parents stay in front of the conversations, but be there to be that second pair of ears and you know help process the information and help coordinate, but they're still the decision maker. Yep. You can do it. Yeah, yeah.

Jodi Rosko 41:34

So try to just really enjoy the process, that's what I that's what I would say.

Heather Fisher 41:38

Yeah, keep that relationship at the forefront, and that's the most important part.

Jodi Rosko 41:43

And the stories. Yeah. The stories will help you enjoy it.

Heather Fisher 41:46

Yeah, absolutely. So if there's anything that we can do to help um, you know, as you're going through this, we've been there, we've done it, we've helped clients, but we've helped our own families. So uh reach out to us, our website, uh www.downsizingroadmap.com. Uh lots of resources and all of our contact info. All right, we'll talk to you next time. Yeah, bye-bye. Thanks for joining us on the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast. If you found this episode helpful, be sure to subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with someone who might need a little downsizing inspiration. Have questions or ideas for future episodes? Reach out to us on our website, www.downsizingroadmap.com. Until next time, let's keep simplifying and moving forward.