78. 7 Signs Your Aging Parents Need Help at Home: A Downsizing Guide

So many adult children walk into their aging parents' house for a visit and quietly start scanning for problems, worried they'll either miss something real or make too big a deal out of nothing.

This episode is about knowing the difference between a normal part of aging and a real red flag, and having the right words ready when you need them. We walk through seven specific things that tend to stand out on a visit to an aging parent's home, and what each one is actually telling you about whether it's time to start talking about what's next. 

Seeing any of these signs in your own home? Take a listen and see if they are a normal sign of aging, or something to make you start thinking harder about a downsizing move.

In this episode:

• Why dim lighting and burnt-out bulbs are often about vision and balance, not neglect
• What a growing mail pile can, and can't, tell you about how someone is coping
• The real reason aging parents duplicate groceries or stop cooking full meals
• How narrow walking paths and stacked furniture quietly become fall risks
• Why a household retreats to a single floor of the house, and what it usually means

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Transcript

Jodi Rosko 0:01

Welcome back to another episode of the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast with your hosts Jody Roscoe and Heather Fisher. We're talking about all things downsizing, from our own experiences with clients to guest experts. Let's make downsizing easier, one conversation at a time.

Heather Fisher 0:17

Welcome to Downsizing Roadmap Podcast. Seven signs that your parents need help at home. This is a downsizing guide for those adult children.

Jodi Rosko 0:28

Yeah, this is hard because sometimes you aren't in their house a lot if you don't live close and you don't know what's going on. I think this happens a lot in um, you know, the holidays. It's like go home and then wait, what's going on and is it okay or is it not okay? And it might be okay. Um, you know, but just questions on what what it looks like and whether it's it should be a concern or not, right?

Heather Fisher 0:51

Yeah, I think um even if you're living close and over there frequently, um, these will be some good things you can just have in your mind to watch out for, and we'll talk about when they're just a normal um part of life as we get older, and maybe some red flags as to when it might be that tipping point of something to to warrant some extra conversations around or some solutions. Perfect. Yeah, so um the first sign you might see is a dimming environment and lighting shifts, meaning, you know, the house is darker, they're not opening all the blinds and curtains, um, maybe not turning on all the lights and and just becoming more comfortable living in the house a little darker. And your first thought might be, you know, what's going on? Is this depression? Is this you know a sign that they're just not engaging in the day? Um, and actually why it happens or what it could mean is uh just natural eye changes as we age, um, the retinas become more sensitive to light, and um it is literally just more comfortable to not have those bright lights and to prefer a dimmer room uh to not have that sensitivity.

Jodi Rosko 2:12

That's so interesting to me because um, you know, as real estate agents we walk into people's houses often and sometimes um they just don't have any lights on, and it's daytime, you know, but it's still dark to me in the house. And it just I it I mean, I wasn't making judgments about whether they were depressed or not. I was just kind of thinking, like, why don't they turn on the light? Because I could use some light. And um, or I like light, I like sunlight, I like daylight, you know, all of that. Why are their blinds pulled or whatever? And it didn't occur to me that you know that that light might be harsh for their eyes, or you know, I just it didn't occur to me. So that's interesting.

Heather Fisher 2:46

Yeah, some other reasons why you might notice this is um just a simple fact like light bulbs need changed and they're too high to reach and ladders aren't feeling safe, and so they're just kind of avoiding that. Um so when it might be an actual concern um is if by not having those lights on it's leading to other safety concerns. Tripping, falling, yeah, shadowy places that um become obstacles, um, not being able to read their um medication bottles, other things that are uh the lack of light is affecting um their day-to-day in other ways.

Jodi Rosko 3:27

Yeah, maybe not being able to clean properly or whatever. So um, so how to approach it? So don't walk in and be like, it's a cave in here, it's so dark, what's the problem? You know, right? So maybe just focus on the practical, you know, barriers and frame it like helpful. Hey, hey, uh dad, I noticed that that light was out. Do you need me to change it? You know, those kind of things.

Heather Fisher 3:47

Yeah, yep. Just kind of jumping in and taking the reins and and making that happen.

Jodi Rosko 3:53

Yeah, I think that high light bulbs are actually a big problem. They're a problem for me even.

Heather Fisher 3:58

Nothing to do with age. They're just uh they're just hard. Yeah, hard for sure. Yeah. Okay, another thing you might notice is the evolving mail stack and paperwork piles.

Jodi Rosko 4:10

Yeah, we see pa we see this a lot where there's just piles of paper, maybe not, you know, on the kitchen counter, but also maybe next to the couch or you know, kind of all over it's starting to be just piles. Um, you know, bills are mixed with, you know, coupons and all kinds of stuff. Advertisements. Yeah, this this was my mom's house, honestly. This was, you know, important documents were mixed with junk mail, and um, so yeah.

Heather Fisher 4:38

Yeah, I think our first instinct can sometimes be, you know, that they're not capable of handling m their bills or their finances, or they just don't care, um, you know, or just a a feeling of frustration of why aren't you just handling this? Um, but it what it might actually be is just that constant decision fatigue of deciding on each piece of mail that comes in, uh paired alongside a different energy level, and being able to accomplish everything in a day that you did at a younger age, it does become uh, you know, a bit of a ranking system of what the important tasks are to get done. And so this is one that might get delayed and pile up.

Jodi Rosko 5:25

Yeah, and um a lot of times there's a lot of like medical mail and you're not sure, you know, what to do with that. Um there's just so much junk mail. Um, and sometimes, like you said, it's they don't spend the time to think about if it's important or not, it just kind of goes all together in the I will deal with that later pile. Yeah. Um, because for me, I mean, junk mail just doesn't even come in anymore. Like I sort through it on my walk back up the driveway and it's gone, so it doesn't even come in the house. Um, but that's not, you know, maybe practical for what's going on with your parents.

Heather Fisher 5:59

So yeah, yeah. So um when concern might be warranted, um, if it's just, you know, normal mess and piles, um, that can be handled. Uh, but if you're noticing late notices or unopened envelopes from important financial institutions, things like that, you want to make sure you find a solution to help uh so that things uh don't make create bigger problems.

Jodi Rosko 6:26

Yeah, missed bills being paid, or if you see, you know, um any kind of predatory things like you're getting a bunch of thank you notes from charities, like you know, figuring out what might be happening, uh whether you know that was a legitimate gift or whether there may be some predatory things happening, unfortunately.

Heather Fisher 6:44

Yeah, we had a family member um, you know, that was you know uh getting confused by the mail she was receiving that was uh more solicitations, but it was worded in such a way that it felt like it was um true financial things she needed to do, and so that was definitely causing a problem. And uh, like you said, the charity giving, you know, we were noticing the stacks of free calendars and things like okay, something's going on here that needs to be dug into further.

Jodi Rosko 7:19

Yeah, and so instead of like, hey mom, why are you giving me that all that money? You know, again, it's you know, just hey, I noticed there's some papers and I get overwhelmed by it. Let's sit down together and just you know get the recycling bin and go through this stuff, get rid of all the stuff that's not important so you can see what is important kind of just everything needs to just come from a helpful um kind of way. And I as as an adult child, I get that that can be hard sometimes because you can you know have some frustration around it and gosh, why is it like this? But it doesn't really matter, you know, why it's just it is and so you know, helping go through it is um is really is what they need as help.

Heather Fisher 8:01

So yeah, absolutely. Um so another thing to notice in our list of seven signs, um, the changing kitchen. Um, what does that look like? Is there, you know, expired food, um, an empty refrigerator, signs that you know a full cleanup after a meal is more difficult and maybe not happening, um, some things you might notice in the kitchen.

Jodi Rosko 8:27

Yeah, maybe there's duplicates of things like they bought it and then they bought the next one and didn't really use up stuff. Um, yeah, so I mean grocery cooking for one or two is hard. Like that, you know, figuring out grocery shopping and then cooking, you know, you end up um, you know, pe the people used to cook for the whole family, you know, m having it or quartering it and trying to make, you know, a quarter of a lasagna is a weird thing, right? Yeah. Um, so uh it's it's different to calibrate, you know, what how much food they need sometimes. And when you get older, you aren't as hungry, you don't eat as much. Um, so I think sometimes it can, you know, just be that and and duplicates happen because it's hard to remember what's at home, and sometimes we do that ourselves. Um, so that's not automatically mean that there's a problem.

Heather Fisher 9:14

Yeah, it's just jumping in um for that assistance. Um if if you are finding moldy or spoiled food or things that would affect their health and nutrition, um, those are the red flags that maybe it's time uh to have conversations around a community that's assisting with meals or someone coming in uh to the home for those meal times to help with preparation and cleanup and making sure that you know the meals are being had and that they're nutritious enough to maintain health.

Jodi Rosko 9:50

Yeah, that's I think something that you would definitely want to kind of act on. If they have cans of food from, you know, ten years ago, I mean, not that they should eat it, but I think that's more of a sign of you know, scarcity and like you know, not wasting and just kind of keeping things and never really going through and checking the dates of things because you know, there was a whole generational thing about scarcity and not enough food and all of that. Um so I wouldn't I wouldn't be as worried about those kind of things. Obviously, let's go through the pantry mom, let's you know, get rid of the expired things, but but yeah, if food is going bad and you know you feel like they're not eating properly and all of that, then that's that's the red flags.

Heather Fisher 10:29

Yeah, and again, offering to help with that uh clean out of the pantry or the fridge together in that kind and patient way.

Jodi Rosko 10:37

Yeah. Okay, number four, the shrinking floor plan and narrow walking paths. Um so uh if you're seeing this, you know, um it's often just the physical manifestation of all the things that they have accumulated and possibly that they have gotten from, you know, their parents, they get their parents' stuff, they get all of the things, they're the keeper of the things, and that just you know narrows their space if they're trying to keep it. Yeah. Everything in, nothing out. Yep, yep, yep. So they hold on to furniture. Um, they think you know, things used to be expensive, so they keep things because it it it must have value because it was expensive at one time, or they feel bad getting rid of it. Um everything has memories, you know, there's all kinds of reasons, but yes, um lots in, none out.

Heather Fisher 11:26

Yeah, and um, you know, mobility changes and there may be a layer where they've added a cane or a walker or other assistance for that, um, but the home has not been looked at for, you know, how can you make uh just a little more walking room for that? I know when my dad was on a walker at home, just takes a little more room than you've needed for years to navigate through spaces and around furniture. Um, so just making sure that that's accounted for and um you know how can you clear that path?

Jodi Rosko 12:01

Yeah, and I think um, you know, w uh mobility, since mobility has changed, that also is is moving things around. And sometimes that can just sound exhausting and like I just can't deal with physically moving things and they don't ask because you know I think we get a lot of like I don't want to bother anybody, you know, I'm not gonna ask. Yeah, we're okay. Um and so I think that's something to just think about, you know, any kind of f heavy furniture, anything that that would just be physically exhausting. Um so maybe maybe there are things that they could let go, they just don't because they're not thinking about it, they've just learned to move around it.

Heather Fisher 12:36

Or not sure logistically how to get that out of the space.

Jodi Rosko 12:41

Right. So maybe that's the thing we offer. You know, if if they're if there's major tripping hazards, if they're falling, if there's extension cords that are going, you know, across places that that could um cause problems or curled area rugs or those kind of things, um, that's the kind of stuff that that is more red flag stuff that you're gonna want to um look at. And there are companies that will come and help you figure out exactly you know how to make a house safer. Um and so if that's something that you think might need to happen, that's not only removing rugs and those kind of trip hazards and stuff, it may be that there's some grab bars that need to go in or something along those lines. But um yeah, you just want to make sure, hey mom, I want to make sure you have plenty of room to move around. You know, can I move some of these things for you? And yeah.

Heather Fisher 13:28

Yeah, for sure. Okay, um number five, the unused rooms uh and vertical retreat. This is when you know your parents may be in a multi-story house, a basement, and a two-story home or some combination thereof, and what you're noticing is that they're only living in that main level. They're not going upstairs to extra bedrooms or down to the basement uh to get things down there. And you know, they've just kind of retreated into that one main living space.

Jodi Rosko 14:04

Yeah, you'll notice that the temperature changes dramatically, you know, upstairs possibly, or the air feels stale or rooms are dusty and doors firmly shut, and like you know, they're clearly not using it, not going in there, you know, treating it like it's a little maybe time capsule. Maybe it's your room, maybe it's the it's the time capsule of your room, you know, from high school or whatever that looks like. We have definitely walked into houses that were like that.

Heather Fisher 14:28

Oh my gosh, yeah, we have seen that uh to the extreme in a few houses. And I mean, some some ways it's you know, such a nostalgia sweet thing, and other things it's like, oh my gosh, you haven't been able to use this space for anything um all these years.

Jodi Rosko 14:48

Yeah, sometimes somehow sweet, somehow sad. You know, there's a little bit of all of it. But um yeah, so um yeah, so over time, you know, they just maybe can't they don't need all the space or they can't get to it. You know, there's there's different different things, but and they don't know what to do with it. So uh sometimes the rooms also become like more store rooms, like they kind of turn into more heirlooms, you know, things that they've got from whoever, and they just kind of tuck it in a room then shut the door. Yeah. So that doesn't, you know, automatically mean that they're failing to manage their house, um, or you know, that they're just prioritizing their daily energy for the spaces that they're actually using and they're just kind of out of sight, out of mind.

Heather Fisher 15:30

Yeah, I think that that happens a lot, especially with basements where things go to be forgotten about. Yeah, like mine. So we're gonna work on that. Yeah, yeah. Um, so when concern might be warranted, um if they're still attempting to go upstairs, um, maybe, or downstairs to laundry, things like that, if m it's still needed for something but it's difficult, um, that's when that's the conversation. Do we need to move to something that everything you need is literally on one floor or uh within a community that you can get around if they're you know putting off doing laundry because they can't easily get it up and down the steps to do it. Um, you know, that's something that a new solution needs put in place to help with that.

Jodi Rosko 16:24

Yeah, that's just um it's really a a a clear indicator that the house has is out they out their lifestyle has outgrown the house, right? At some point it was fine, it's not fine anymore.

Heather Fisher 16:37

Yeah, this is the perfect entry point for a larger forward-thinking conversation about downsizing. And you know, you have all these rooms that you're not using, what would it look like to have that right size home for you, and what does that look like? And back honestly to our first step dreaming, yeah, get dreamy about what it could look like instead um without trying to manage spaces that you're not even utilizing.

Jodi Rosko 17:04

Because again, that is an emotional, you know, tax on you, um, on them, even if they're you know, just think, oh, I don't even go up there and use it. They still think about it. Like they just know that that space is there and they're not really taking care of it. Um same thing if you know there's the house is overpacked with things that causes anxiety. It's scientific facts that that's the case. And so um you I think people don't re they'll say they're fine because they don't realize how heavy it is on them until they've freed themselves of of it. And that's why we whenever we talk to people, they're like, Oh my gosh, I just feel so much lighter, I just feel so much freer because you have just live been living with that weight on you that you don't realize that is there.

Heather Fisher 17:47

Yeah, not handling uh things can be just as exhausting as the physical part of handling them.

Jodi Rosko 17:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and mentally it does take a toll on us whether we realize it or not. So okay, signs of deferred property maintenance. We see this a lot where the house does just kind of get to be too much. Um and so things um start looking and being worn down, right? So you walk up the driveway, um probably they might there might be some peeling paint. Um on the windowsills, the gutter might be off, the roof might look be looking a little rough, landscaping often suffers. Um, it just starts to feel like, okay, things aren't really fully being um taken care of, overgrown shrubs.

Heather Fisher 18:37

Yeah, um home maintenance is physically demanding and uh can be a financial burden, it can be expensive, um, and incomes might have shifted to um you know more of a fixed income situation and your daily energy level for um those tasks that are needed, you know, cooking and basic cleaning and hygiene, if that's taking all of your energy, um those maintenance items are gonna be one of the first to go.

Jodi Rosko 19:06

Well, and I think there's a couple other things. I think there's uh, you know, if it's not broke, don't fix it kind of mentality where, you know, that a gen the generation thought process is we're not gonna spend money on things that unless they really need it, number one. Um and number two, they don't know who can come and fix it if they can't physically do that and they don't want people in their house that they feel like that might not be safe or you know, whatever. So there's all kinds of pieces that go into what could make deferred maintenance happen. And sometimes people just don't notice. You know, we live in a house, we get used to what it is, we don't pay attention, the window got cracked, you know, five years ago, and we just don't look at it anymore.

Heather Fisher 19:46

Yeah. Back to those spaces we don't use. We might not even be in those spaces to see some of those things.

Jodi Rosko 19:54

Yeah, right, right. And you just become blind to stuff that, you know, I I'd say, like on our in our old house, uh my Mark put in a new shower head, and I've no I've told this story, but um and he had to kind of redo the wall, and so it was a brown color, I think, and it had you know the the drywall paste what stuff on it, and it stayed like that for like eight years until we moved and I painted it right before we moved, and I just stopped looking at it and I took a shower in that shower like every day. And so you just do get blind to stuff. Um and when it's like that, that is not necessarily a red flag. But you know, if there is things that are broken, you know, plumbing things, leaking things, you know, the HVAC's not working properly, and they don't seem to be, you know, worried about mold, any of those kind of things, that can be problematic red flags.

Heather Fisher 20:45

Yeah, I think we also um I know this has happened to me, but you don't realize how much time has gone by on some of the routine service things. Yeah. Um and you don't realize that you haven't looked at something in a in quite a while or had someone out to repair it.

Jodi Rosko 21:02

Yeah, and so I think in helping, you can just find a handyman that's, you know, either do it yourself if you're handy or find a handyman that is um, you know, trustworthy um and just get that schedule. Just be like, hey mom, you know, I saw that this was let me find somebody to help you fix that, you know, whatever.

Heather Fisher 21:20

Yeah, I think there's a comfort level in um being there for those appointments. Yeah, for sure. If uh, you know, if that's wanted um just to help handle it when they come out.

Jodi Rosko 21:31

Yeah, I I mean we had a window cleaners come one time and the guys were scary and I was young and I was like, um, I had to call my friend over to come and sit with me because I didn't, you know, and I was fine. But like it just felt like it, you know, people were in my house and I didn't like the feeling of it. So yeah, absolutely. I understand that. Okay, last one.

Heather Fisher 21:52

Yeah, this is an important one isolation um and the outdated tech gap. So I think that um I Isolation, you'll you'll notice you know they may their world is shrinking down to not even just one level of the house, but one room, one chair. They're you know, spending their day. Um just their routine is so much of the same thing all day, um, no longer doing social activities, no longer um just out and about talking with the neighbors outside, uh, things like that. Um just very isolated down to you know the same thing day after day.

Jodi Rosko 22:35

Yeah. And they didn't grow up with technology like we did. Um and so it it makes it hard for them to use digital technology. Um maybe they're you know, uh they have an iPad, but it's like the original one and it, you know, d hardly works on things. And as long as that works, or if they have a flip phone and that works for them and a paper calendar, that's fine. Like they don't have to, you know, be up on the you know things and it's it's funny because my my mom was not, she was never gonna learn that. Like she was absolutely, you know, ha mental block could not absolutely do it. My nana, you know, was on Facebook, she was in her 90s, you know. She's on Facebook, she's you know, texting me, she's doing all the things. So it just depends on who they are and what their you know personality is and what their technology thought process is, you know, all of those things, aptitude. Um, so it's not necessarily a problem, but if they're missing their medical appointments and things, you know, they don't understand how to answer the cell, you know, their cell phone, and that's what you know, all they're getting calls on, you know, like there there can be problems there.

Heather Fisher 23:38

Yeah, my mom is great on her cell phone, and but when my dad had his, I mean, they had it on the plan for years, and I think I mean no one even knew the number and he didn't know how to use it, and it sat, you know, on a kitchen shelf for ten years. Right. And I don't think he ever uh learned how to turn it on, and um you know, but we would call my mom's cell phone and so we would get her on the phone much more often than my dad, and and you know, you just have that gap of not um answering the phone. And so I do think that's something to be aware of as we are the adult kids are much more into texting or um just used to that form of communication or keeping up with people on social media, remembering to give those phone call, those voice-to-voice phone calls, call the landline if that's what they have. Don't let that um drag just because it's not up to your day-to-day technology.

Jodi Rosko 24:41

Yeah, and they might need to be doing like telehealth things or they might need to log into things, and you might just have to help them do that, you know, and and um so just be be aware if there's things that are problematic because technology has gotten to a place where they can't do it in a in a you know, pen and paper kind of a way, um, they might need a little bit of help with that. But if they're showing deep signs of loneliness, like they don't like to do anything that they used to do anymore, and they don't, you know, want to do their hobbies or they don't want to decorate for Christmas which they used to love or something like that, those are the more red flags, you know, not being able to, you know, k keep up with technology um on its own, not necessarily or um but they might need some help with some of that stuff. Get your get your get their grandkids to do it because they know everything. Yeah. They do, they do. Although and they might have a little more patience.

Heather Fisher 25:36

Yeah, I think uh watching my young grandkids, even at the ages they're at, being able to whip all over an iPad and know exactly how to navigate it, it's crazy. Yeah. How our brains have adapted.

Jodi Rosko 25:50

But yeah, if you walk into your family home, just to kind of recap, um, and it feels like there's been a shift and it can feel scary, but um the shift may or may not be a problem. So just kind of put that in context and decide it may not be the way you do it, but is it something that's not, you know, that feels dangerous or like it gonna be a problem, or is it just you know not the way you're doing it?

Heather Fisher 26:11

Yeah, and I think the first layer is how can you help fill those gaps uh to just you know help them through some of these changes, realizing that it's all fine and they're not major red flags, but how can you be of assistance so they don't continue to get worse and then recognizing when there might be some concern to really have deeper conversations about.

Jodi Rosko 26:35

And then the approach of it is you know, it can't it can't be like you need to do this or why haven't you done that? It needs to be more like, hey, I noticed that this hap this happened, can I help with that? Or let me help you handle, you know, whatever. And this is a really tough dynamic. Um I'm not gonna lie about that because um my mom did not want me to, you know, kind of parent her in any way. Um, you know, she was the mom and she wanted to handle it even when she couldn't, and um that was that was hard, and um, so uh sometimes this is you know a shuffle for that.

Heather Fisher 27:09

So yeah, we certainly understand this dynamic and anything that we can do uh to help you through those conversations. We help adult kids all the time that are helping their parents navigate that, and we love that. We love to walk alongside you and help uh get your parents to where um you know they're living their best life and everybody is back to enjoying each other and not stressing over all these logistics. So if we can help with any resources, our website downsizingroadmap.com or our free guide for downsizers themselves or those adult kids can get some good tips from it. Um downsizingroadmap.com backslash guide. Yep. So talk to you next time. Thanks. Thanks for joining us on the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast. If you found this episode helpful, be sure to subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with someone who might need a little downsizing inspiration. Have questions or ideas for future episodes, reach out to us on our website, www.downsizingroadmap.com. Until next time, let's keep simplifying and moving forward.