80. The Downsizing Regrets We Hear Most (and How to Avoid Them)

If part of what's holding you back from downsizing is the fear that you'll get rid of something and regret it later, this episode is for you.

We're getting into the psychology behind why letting go feels so much harder than it should, including why the brain holds on to potential loss more tightly than it holds on to gain. We also talk through why waiting for a crisis to force the decision creates more regret than almost anything else, and how a simple shift in how you evaluate your things can take a lot of the pressure off.

In this episode:

• Why your brain resists letting go
• The real difference between keepsake and clutter regret
• How telling the story changes what you keep
• The stat that shows how little we use
• Why panic purging backfires almost every time
• One question that prevents nearly every regret

Regret is rare once people start, and almost every regret we hear traces back to waiting too long to begin. This episode gives you what you need to move forward without that fear holding you back.

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Transcript

Welcome and Today's Topic: Regrets

Jodi Rosko 0:01

Welcome back to another episode of the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast with your hosts Jodi Rosko and Heather Fisher. We're talking about all things downsizing, from our own experiences with clients to guest experts. Let's make downsizing easier, one conversation at a time.

Heather Fisher 0:17

Hi, welcome to the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast. Regrets. Yeah. I'm going to talk a little bit about regrets that people have with downsizing, how to avoid them, and what might cause them.

Jodi Rosko 0:31

So Yeah, I'll say though, right up front, most people don't regret it. So I think, you know, we we definitely will talk about some things that they uh regret keeping and some things that they might regret tossing. But I would say if we look at it as an overall um picture, um there's not a lot of regret. People are most often saying, I wish I had done this sooner.

Heather Fisher 0:52

Yeah, I was gonna say one of the biggest regrets is not necessarily things that they regret about doing it. It's regretting delays and not doing it at all and all of that. So we'll go through the good, the bad, the ugly, and uh how to make it all as as good as possible.

Jodi Rosko 1:11

Yeah, so keep listening. It's not a whole regret like everything's a sad uh episode.

Heather Fisher 1:16

So put us out of a job if everybody uh didn't do it. Right. I'm Jodi Rosko. I'm Heather Fisher.

Jodi Rosko 1:23

So yeah, so um it's not about like shaming or you know, feeling you know bad about a regret. Some of the regrets are, like we said, we wish we had you know started earlier. Um but but there are some things to think about when you're doing it. And so it's just about like um clarity and you know hindsight looking back um that some of our clients have said, and so just kind of getting an idea of what that could look like for you.

Heather Fisher 1:46

And we've talked about this so much that um you know change is hard. Yeah. And so But not bad necessarily. Not bad, but it's hard to see that future fully ahead. And so there are some valleys in the midst of it where I think people think that they're feeling regret over the total process, but they're really just not giving it that long enough, you know, through that valley of of the low point of it's hard, and there might be some periods of overwhelm, or it's just different. And so you're feeling a lot of emotions, um, decision fatigue, all of that. Um, and so what m people are naming as regret is just some feedback on like, yep, uh-huh, and there are changes hard.

Jodi Rosko 2:36

Yep. Right.

Heather Fisher 2:37

Yeah, right.

The Science of Regret

Jodi Rosko 2:38

And and sometimes we we'll get into my thoughts on regret here in a minute. We'll we'll get into it with it. But um the science of regret, the the brain remembers potential losses um more strongly than it remembers gains. Um so that's why people have FOMO, right? Fear of you know missing out on things, right? And um fear, a loss aversion is stronger than a gain, like or or a positive thing. So um, so when people are worried about, oh, what if I you know feel bad about letting go of this or whatever, that fear, that feeling um is stronger than what if I keep it, because you know, so so then you can gut into a loop of like, well, I don't feel as yucky thinking about keeping it, but you will feel yucky having too much and feeling overwhelmed and anxious by the too much.

Heather Fisher 3:27

So yeah, absolutely. It's a different way of thinking about it, but so true.

Jodi Rosko 3:32

Yeah.

Heather Fisher 3:33

Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 3:33

Yeah. So um our memories are attach meaning to objects uh far beyond the physical role. And that this is basically what we say all the time is you know, stuff is just stuff without without a story, right? So we say that all the time. Um, and that's what we're saying here is that we attach uh meaning to the object, but what we really care about is the story about the object or the story that looking at the object brings up for us when we're you know looking at it and what we're remembering.

Heather Fisher 4:01

Yeah, and I think a lot of times uh something else that happens is that fear of future regret. So we're not even actually regretting getting rid of something, we just don't get rid of enough because we're fearful. Oh well, I I might need that, you know, extension cord, I might need that. Right. We're we're fearful um uh about those things, and if we reframe it and look at how simple it might be to replace or the monetary value of replacement over keeping too much, all of those things, it's it's a non-issue. Uh, but we get kind of stuck in that fear that we will regret letting things go.

What People Regret Keeping Too Long

Jodi Rosko 4:41

Right. And on the flip side, we also regret keeping things too long. We just can't win sometimes with ourselves. Our brains are crazy places. Isn't that the truth? Um so we regret keeping things too long and the cost of keeping it or storing it if you have a storage unit, all we know that we know that about it. I sure do. Um time, you know, that you worry worry about it, energy that you're spending worrying about it, all these delayed decisions and the anxiety that comes with those. So there's regret on both sides, either keeping things too long or letting things go. But I I will find I I do say I find that a lot of times people um worry about the letting things go, but then once they've let them go, they don't remember them.

Heather Fisher 5:22

Yeah, yeah. You had that happen when you cleaned out a big clean out of your kitchen and you don't remember, and you know, through everything I've been with the through with the last few moves, I know that when the donation people came to um you know, my my house, the first house I sold, that I had almost a full garage full of stuff. Right and I was talking to my daughter and I'm like, I don't remember what we didn't keep. Right, you don't. Yeah, and then I have the regret on what we did keep.

Jodi Rosko 5:53

Right. Then you're opening boxes of things that you kept and you're like, why did I keep these things? Yes, yeah. So yes, and I I would say, I would say most of the time, um, if you're on the fence, let it go. And if you have to in the future replace it, um it's not gonna be very many things that you could re would replace. And some stuff's not, you know, not really replaceable. So um w I had some of the things that my mom had I didn't keep because I didn't I couldn't keep everything or I thought I don't need that. And there have been a few times um where I was like, ah, I wish I had that because it reminds me of this thing. But the thing, the truth is I'm still remembering the thing without the object. Like I'm still rem having that memory. Um, like there's one thing she had this print of um this chapel in Paris that we went to when we went to Paris, and I'm like, why didn't I keep that? Um, but I still fully have the memory of going there, of walking through it, of it being like this little jewel box and my mom, you know, talking to me about it. And so the print, I don't actually need it. I mean, I kind of think about it and I think, oh, you know, why didn't I keep it? But I still have the memory, so it's not the stuff. Like it is still that strong memory for me without the stuff. And I think that's something to remember when you're starting to feel regret, like, why don't I have this thing? As long as you have the memory, it's okay.

Heather Fisher 7:19

Yeah, and the memory and you love that because it's attached to your mom and your love for your mom. And so there are other things that you you cannot keep at all. We've talked about that so many times. If there's you know, a thousand things that you could pick up that would give you a a tinge of memory of your mom, you can't keep them all. You can't bury your life under that. So, you know, you can miss the sum of those that you don't keep, but letting that go into full regret, it's just looking at like but I have that love for my mom and I have these things that I gave that higher um priority to. Right. Um, and just being okay with that.

Jodi Rosko 8:06

Yeah. So um so things that people regret about keeping too long. Farnatur. Yeah, it's because it was expensive to begin with, and so you they feel like guilty. It's all guilt, by the way. Most of this is guilt. Um, they they spend a lot of money on it and it's totally not in style anymore, but they don't know what to do because they feel like they spend a lot of money on it, so they should keep it. Or their kids should take it because they spend a lot of money on it.

Heather Fisher 8:39

Yeah, and I think that there's I mean, there's different choices on that. If it's a burden to buy something different, um you know, then that's that's one situation. But if you are, you know, have the ability to buy something that works better for you, that you love more, that you have, and someone else who has a greater need can use the one you spent the money on, that's such a win-win. You know, you're passing that to someone who can really use it, and you are setting up a space that you love with things that work the best for your current space.

Jodi Rosko 9:16

Yeah. We hear I spent a lot of money on it, and we also hear um it was my grandma's, it was my, you know, somebody's in the family, and they gave it to me, and I never really did like it, but here it is, and it's still in my house. And um our thought process on that is unless you love it and you want to look at it and you know feel good about it every day, it's okay um to let it go. So give yourself that permission to not have to hold on to every single thing because you feel guilty about it. Like that's not a gift. Guilt is not a gift, right? And so um, if you're keeping furniture um because it was expensive or because you don't, you know, your ma your grandma had it or whatever that is, um, and you don't love it. If you love it, keep it. Keep it, use it. Absolutely. If it's still your style, do that. But um Most people think, uh, why have why have I had that in my house this whole time that I'd never really liked it in the first place?

Heather Fisher 10:08

Yeah, I think you can't you have to evaluate things not by whose it was or where it came from or how much you spent on it. Those are all past things. You have to evaluate something like does this give me a positive hit of dopamine when I walk by it, or does this bring me down in frustration because you don't like it or you don't know what to do with it or it's overcrowding? Like, is it giving your brain those little positive pings or negative? And that's more your decision-making process because it's back to there will be many things that belong to people you love in your life, but is it bringing you that, oh my gosh, I love this teacup that my grandma used every day, or frustration and those negative pings associated with that just because you're like, what am I supposed to do with this?

Jodi Rosko 11:03

Yeah. And I think that we need to remember if things were were expensive and uh times have changed. So IKEA turned us all into something else, right? It's you know, inexpensive stuff that you can switch out, and it doesn't, you know, it's not super high quality furniture and whatever. And I think people get that was different before. Like you would go to Ethan Allen or you get hindered on, you get all these, you know, furniture lines that were expensive, and it was kind of like the thought process is you buy that once and you have it forever because it's quality and the construction of its quality and all of that stuff. Um, and so the mindset has changed of what that looks like, but also you have to look at it like you used that value. Yeah. You have used that value, you enjoyed it, you had your holiday dinners around that table, it does not fit in the new place. But just because it was expensive at one time um doesn't mean that you need to keep it now. That value has been used and enjoyed.

Heather Fisher 12:01

Yeah, yeah. So a couple of other things in this category about things people keep too long, boxes of paper and photos.

Jodi Rosko 12:11

So much paper.

Heather Fisher 12:12

So much. And at some point, unless you are, you know, an amazingly organized person, at some point there's just a project involved in your paperwork and your photos. And if you can see through, you know, through the trees and know that there, you know, is an end in sight, use all the tips we've given in different episodes, get through it and then apply that maintenance uh of keeping it up. Um, you know, we've had a few episodes on both of these topics, and great to do, but get through that initial project and then keep it up because the last thing you want to do if a move comes up uh that you're moving or you're going to a smaller space is to take up all of your closet space with just boxes of things that still need to be gone through, and you're not enjoying them or even knowing if they're important if they're just in the boxes.

Jodi Rosko 13:10

Yeah, this is why we say, you know, it it's it's not a process or it's not a pro a project, it's a process, right? So it's something that you need to, you know, create a habit around and it's not a one-time project, which is why people get overwhelmed because it's a giant project by now, because you've, you know, let it go way too far. And if you turn that into a habit where you just, first of all, you're gonna have to go through that paperwork and through those photos and through all that stuff. But once you've done that, if you continue just a you know, 15 minutes a day, we're just gonna sort through these things, we're not gonna let it pile up. Um, you know, just like I don't know, I said this to my kids when they were little, they didn't listen. But you don't want I didn't listen to myself when I was little, I did the same thing. But um, you know, when your room gets like uh into a tiny a giant mess and then it takes eight hours all day long to clean up, right? Versus you just pick up those clothes every day and put them in the hamper and you'd always live in a cleaner space and a calmer space and all of that. So, you know, do that. Start start to to make those habits and and do that. But people um exercise equipment too. That's like, oh, we buy it and then we never use it and it turns into the clothes hanger and all of the things, right? These are things that people uh regret that they're they're gonna someday they're gonna use that. Um and they regret it because it takes up space. It takes up maybe prime space or maybe it takes up all the closet space for makes things harder day day to day because things are packed in here and there and gives you some anxiety.

Heather Fisher 14:36

And it's giving you that guilt every time you see it of oh, I didn't use it, I didn't sort through that, I don't like that, all of those little negative things.

Jodi Rosko 14:45

And it can stop you from living your life. It can delay, you know, moves or renovations or lifestyle changes. Um it can your stuff can get so heavy that it actually, you know, crushes your your life, honestly. Um and so be careful with that. If that's the case, just start letting go of things a little bit at a time. But um and they cost money to store and move and maintain.

Heather Fisher 15:05

I think people who are past that and have done those things, the question they ask themselves that if you ask yourself early, you can, you know, skip that regret is why didn't I give myself permission sooner?

Jodi Rosko 15:18

Yeah.

Heather Fisher 15:18

So we've said it before, we'll say it again, but we're giving you permission. Right.

Jodi Rosko 15:22

If you need somebody to give us you permission, we are giving you the permission to let it go. Yeah. Um and I think that you don't realize the weight you're carrying, the emotional weight that you're carrying around it, around knowing that it needs to be handled, around thinking about what's gonna happen in the future with it, around, you know, feeling uh just low grade agitation that it's all there that you have to deal with. Um and that's why people say they just feel so free and they feel so much lighter and all of those things because they have lifted that emotional weight that they have been carrying so long they don't even notice that it's there.

The 300,000 Item Stat

Heather Fisher 15:57

Yeah, yeah. So this stat uh will blow your mind, but the average American household has 300,000 items and most people only use the same 150 items daily.

Jodi Rosko 16:09

That's way more than the 80-20 rule.

Heather Fisher 16:11

That is way more. Way more. That's so out of balance with what we're hanging on to versus what we're actually using. And if there's all of those other hundreds of thousands of items that we're not using, each one of those is a little unsettled decision inside that you're they're just all pinging around in your head, whether you realize it or not.

Jodi Rosko 16:35

Yeah, and it's and decision fatigue is real. So um, that's why when you turn it into this project where you finally get to the place where you're like, oh my gosh, I can't deal with this, we need to do it, then you just feel like, oh, it's so overwhelming because you have to make 300,000 decisions, right? Um so yeah, and we know the 80-20 rule is you usually probably only use about 20% of the stuff in your house, and 150 out of 300,000 is even way, way less than that. But um we can get rid of a lot of things and not change our life at all.

Heather Fisher 17:04

Yeah.

What People Regret Letting Go Too Fast

Heather Fisher 17:05

So the next category, some regrets that um people are fearful that will happen. Um, you know, but we'll talk about how you can prevent that are, you know, people are fearful of tossing things too quickly and making a decision that they're going to regret. Um they think a lot about this with old photos and family history. Um, so one way to avoid that would be making sure you're scanning those things so they are still accessible, they're not gone. Um, you know, or maybe having someone the family help you organize, help you distribute it to the people that it needs to go to, uh, loading things onto revolving um photo frames so you can uh enjoy them without the bulk. Um lots of things um so you're not feeling like what just happened, where'd that go?

Jodi Rosko 17:56

Yeah. Yeah, uh kids' artwork, uh handwritten notes, cards, people that you know keep those kind of things. You can take pictures of that kind of stuff if you want to. Items connected with major life milestones, wedding albums, uh, military keepsakes and awards and stuff. So be careful with that stuff. Um I uh just in the beginning. Um so uh heirlooms that they didn't fully understand what the meaning of them was, and that's where we talk so much about what the story is and how it matters, and then if you hear the story later and don't have the thing, sometimes you can feel like, oh my gosh, why don't we have that thing? Because you know, there's this fantastic story around it. But remember the story still lives, yeah.

Heather Fisher 18:36

The story still lives. Yeah, I think um especially back to like the artwork and cards and notes and all of that, that is a category that is so um, you know, everything in, nothing out, you know, you tend to just have a box or a basket or wherever it collects and you just keep putting in, but you never edit through that. And if you go through that, I uh I don't think we're saying like you can't keep any cards that are meaningful, but if you just keep throwing in that bin, you will have cards, you know, signed by an old coworker from 40 years ago that you can't remember, or things like that. So curating that down lets you treasure um those ones that you do keep. And I think the same with your kids' artwork.

Jodi Rosko 19:25

Um well and I was looking at I had a bunch of cards. I used to keep cards when I was younger, and so I have a lot of cards from people who've passed away. But they but uh a lot of them just say love grandma, you know, or whatever. So there isn't like I do have a few that have like an actual written something in it. So that is more, you know, you know, I would want to keep that more. I can keep one love grandma if that's the only thing I have, but I don't need to keep every year of love grandma because like to me that doesn't it it's that's it's not the message. And you could take a picture of that and really create like a little uh photo book of those different people from however you did. That's just kind of uh then they're all together, they're cohesive into one little book. You're not random cards all you know over and you could do some cool things with that.

Heather Fisher 20:13

Um so yeah, good ideas. Just reducing, not necessarily saying, Yeah, oh, it's all gone.

Jodi Rosko 20:20

So

Panic Purging and Rushed Decisions

Jodi Rosko 20:21

why the why people regret this usually is because they've done some panic purging. Something happens, they are in crisis and now they have to move, and we don't make the best decisions from that place, and we have less time. Um, and so they do some kind of a panic purge, or they do stress cleanouts during a divorce or grief, you know, some kind of a loss or a move that happened quickly for whatever reason. Um and they just didn't spend the time to make thoughtful choices. And so that's where the regret comes in because they feel like they should have made better choices or they would have made different choices if they weren't working from a place of crisis or or in this kind of time crunch panic thing. And so um, and and maybe assuming things didn't have value, but later in life they wanted it, right? And so um, but some of that we can't control. There may be some things here and there that we whatever. But we can't control whether we're panic purging or what our time frame looks like because if we're not moving today, we can start that process today and spend the time that we need to slowly go through it, and then there won't be regret about it because you will have had the time to look at it.

Heather Fisher 21:27

Yeah, I love that so much when we're um you know at our classes or meeting people that we've um you know seen over and over, and they're so excited to tell us how their work, you know, they may have come to our class and said, you know, we're not moving for two, three, five years. Um, but then we see them um, you know, out and about and they're like, Oh my gosh, you'll be so proud of me. I've been working on this, I've been working on that. And that makes it, you know, they're not feeling that regret because they're doing it at their pace, but they know they're preparing for what their plan is and you know it's just that success over time with those small habits.

Keeping Things for Other People

Jodi Rosko 22:09

Yes, for sure. So people I think they just regret the rash decisions more than they regret the slow ones. So if they're if you're doing stuff in a big rush, um that's where you can kind of end up with things that you wish you had. And so take the time early when you when you can. Regrets that people things they cap for others. Like the whole bit of the kid stuff that they you think they're gonna want and then they don't want it. You know, you kept their kid things um and because they might want them, right? Yeah. And I can see this on some level. When your kids are younger, they don't see in the future that they might want something, right? Well you've talked about the advent or the was it the advent calendar was still the little countdown calendar. The countdown calendar and um and how like when he was 17 if you're like I'm gonna get rid of this he'd be like whatever or 20 or 25 you know but now that he has kids it's like oh wait no I want that right and so it's hard for to manage that when you're like okay we had a lot of great memories around this thing and the kids now in this you know those middle years are like I don't want that. And then later they're like hey where's that? And you're like I got rid of that you said you didn't want that right yeah so that's a little bit hard to manage but I think I think in thinking about that and me thinking about that um because that's the age my kids are now is how many memories do my kids have around that thing?

Heather Fisher 23:38

Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 23:39

Right? So if it's the countdown calendar that came out every Christmas I'd probably keep that and think they might want that someday or whatever because that was something that happened. Like I my advent calendar I'm not getting rid of that until you know whatever because I feel like they will want it or I'll keep it up for the grandkids or whatever that looks like because there's a lot of memories around that. If it's the one outfit that they wore at one time when they were four you have some memories around it but they don't they that's probably not something that they're gonna want to keep because there's not so many memories around it.

Heather Fisher 24:11

Yeah and I think this is a great category where parameters work so well having one bin for each child or one bin of um you know back to Christmas decorations or things that are family traditions, continuing those traditions until you you aren't able to and then passing those on but not keeping every single thing because it's hard for them to process through a large volume of things but when you have condensed the stories into the ones that make you think about them andor you know how important it was to them they do enjoy that like here's your one box of things and that moment of going through it. You know I've just gone through that with my older kids through the move I'm like sending them pictures as I'm just kind of repacking their stuff and and going through it. And you know some of it we got through even or got rid of even more but some of it, you know my daughter was just over and she's like oh my gosh I didn't realize you kept our little toddler chair. I love that so much. I can't, you know, I'm so glad you kept it but she there's not a problem with the other thousand things that I've gotten rid of.

Jodi Rosko 25:37

But I also think she's happy about it because she sees it now but if you had gotten rid of it she probably wouldn't be like hey where's my toddler chair like that wouldn't have you know like it wouldn't have been a yeah yeah a regret like it necessarily so yeah yeah but it's just that parameter of here's what I've kept in a small portion. Yeah. And here's something else not just holding stuff for your kids but holding your parents stuff. And maybe for your siblings like maybe you're the holder of the things because you had more space or you're the more sentimental one or whatever that is but you now you're ready to move on and they you have all this stuff we'll call it guilt um about all all of this parents stuff or grandparent stuff that you were holding because your sister might want it or holding because you know whatever, whatever and nobody's coming to get it and it doesn't fit into your next chapter again we're giving you that permission like it's okay um to to let it go because reg don't let that hold you down from your future trying to keep things for others. People regret that people regret having kept it for too long.

Heather Fisher 26:47

Realistically they're giving you the easy answer. Your siblings might be saying oh yeah I might want something I'll come take a look but when they're not putting that into action and you know showing up to take a look help you get stuff to the donations and taking what they want that is the answer on how the importance of it. Yeah. So it's okay to move that forward and and get some of that gone.

Jodi Rosko 27:13

Yeah and and when you're looking at this stuff I would think really legacy like right so if it's grandma's mixing bowl that she used to mix everything um you might want to keep that like that might be something because that's a legacy item but you can you're not keeping every bowl that she had or every you know her entire kitchen. Yeah her yeah yeah everything. So um because the way that regret sh shows up um is feeling like you've wasted like years of closet space and basement space and again emotional mental space um physical you know toll if you've moved it and packed it and moved it from house to house which we definitely have people who when they are moving are moving boxes they never even opened from one house to the next house. We've definitely seen that with our clients. And then there's some um there's some emotional isn't resentment that comes up sometimes with that stuff. Don't resent your kids because they don't want the stuff that you save for them. That was your choice to save it for them like don't resent them. And your parents you know or whoever your siblings that aren't coming to get it your parents who said you needed to keep their grandparents stuff like all of that stuff um it's just stuff right like there like the the level of um emotional turmoil that can come around it um doesn't have to like that's a choice.

Heather Fisher 28:32

Yeah clear you know choose that path that clears your mental space and your um you know decision fatigue and gets you through it and that is okay the guilt does not need to come with all of those decisions.

Capturing the Story Before Letting Go

Jodi Rosko 28:46

Right. Okay uh another regret it the a regret about not capturing the story first so we talk about this all the time um sometimes it's okay and easy to let go of things once you've told the story you tell the story you hear it in your mind you decide if that story after you've said it out out loud and heard it in your mind is worth keeping the thing right you might know the story. I have this Christmas ornament I got it because it was tied onto a package that wasn't that was from the the store. It has the store's logo on it like it's not important to you. Like it wasn't like somebody handmade that Christmas ornament for you or you know when and so when you say this you might know the story but when you say the story it might not be important enough to keep. And so since you've said the story you can let it go.

Heather Fisher 29:34

Yeah I think saying that story to someone else makes that a really apparent yeah how important that story is if you're kind of like I what am I even going to say about this?

Jodi Rosko 29:45

Yeah like you don't know the story or you do know the story but the story is like yeah you know like uh we were at the gas station they were giving those free. Like you know so unless it was some amazing you know trip or something. Like there could be better, you know, backstory but if it's just something super silly then you're just like okay I don't I don't need that. And you can hear that in yourself and easily give it away then after it just not like there's no regret about giving it away. Yeah. Versus oh I just gave my whole box of Christmas ornaments away. You don't know what was in there you didn't tell the story you don't know so then you think oh there must have been something that I must have wanted you know it's a different feeling.

Heather Fisher 30:23

Yeah this is a good spot to have someone there to help you work through those stories be the listener for the stories you get that satisfaction of telling it and the ease of then giving it away um yeah and then like we've said before don't pick the friend that's going to encourage you to keep it all yeah not the keeper friend uh not the emotional one.

Jodi Rosko 30:44

And this stuff um stories that you can capture are stories around um legacies of the people so if there's um if there are military things, you know maybe you can hear the military stories if if it's dad's tools because he used to fix everything, you know, maybe you can talk about his hammer and you know whatever like there will be stories around some of this stuff. You can um audio record those stories you can video record those stories you can write those stories down. There's a lot of ways um that you can cur you can keep those stories going um and not necessarily have to keep the things. So legacy legacy studies show that people regret losing the context of it more than the thing right they they regret losing the story and the reason of it more than the thing itself.

Heather Fisher 31:32

Yeah and this is one of those places that if you're at the very early stages of considering downsizing you can start doing this even if you're not at the place of getting rid of all of these heirloom items but you know you know later on if you're going to somewhere smaller you won't be able to keep it all this is when you can write those stories on a little piece of paper and tuck it inside or you know write take the photo and write a journal entry about it because that gives you that peace of mind that if that crisis comes up and things need to happen faster than you thought, you're not regretting that someone else had to make those choices for you or that things got swept up in a moment of a time crunch or you not being able to go back and go through them yourselves, you can just live knowing okay I'm ready I I've already done that mental sorting I've gotten rid of the things that weren't important at all and you know I'm I'm good to hold at this spot.

The Regrets Nobody Expects

Jodi Rosko 32:34

Because when you're if it ends up being uh your kids having to do it and there's 3000 items in the house they cannot figure out what was important and what was not because it's too much the bulk of it is too much for them to try to physically undo it. Too much all at once. Yes too much all at once probably potentially during grief all of it's you know too hard believe me I've been there for that it's too much to try to figure out what what's important and what isn't. So um the regrets that people didn't expect and um these are the ones that I think are the most important um to think about um number one not starting sooner um because what happens when you don't start sooner is that you end up doing it at a time of crisis because because when you're saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow comes when the crisis comes because you've put it like you're just putting it off. So not starting sooner because they didn't get to have that time that they needed to do it without regret. Yeah yeah those rash decisions are not in not involving loved ones in the process. Um that's back to you need to share the stories and you want to share them with the people you care about. And so if you have those people have them come over you know go through some stuff just you know tell them hey I'm gonna go through this stuff and we're gonna let it go and if most kids will be like oh my gosh thank gosh mom is going to let things go I'm on I'm coming over right yeah yep because they want they want that to happen. They don't want to feel responsible for your things and not knowing what was important or not.

Heather Fisher 34:11

So and honestly they they likely will not want a big a great deal of the stuff but as the adult kid they enjoy hearing the stories the items can still go but they're learning little pieces about you, about their life when they were little about the whole family in those little things and that is a memory creating moment that they will treasure even if the stories are told and the items go.

Jodi Rosko 34:44

Right right um not asking parents about the meaning behind items before they passed um I had a lot of this I had a lot of this stuff at my mom's house where I knew that there was some importance to it and I knew that it came from somebody but I don't know who and I don't know um you know the real story behind it and I never will again like I those stories are gone now. And so that stuff feels yucky um and so back to the not starting sooner that first one if you start sooner you can write the stories you can share the stories you can tell the stories and so you won't feel bad later because the important items that have the stories will still be there with the stories so um no matter if something happens suddenly you've already done it. You've done it and it's there.

Heather Fisher 35:31

Yeah I'm so thankful um I was just talking with my mom about this but um you know my grandparents her parents were antique dealers in the you know heyday of Coliseum antique shows and had so many and you know my parents took that up as a hobby when they were younger and so just so many antiques in my life but I don't have my siblings and I don't have an interest in that continuing but so to us all antiques in the house if there was no notation they're all equally well they're just antiques we have to deal with them but there are definitely pieces that are important to the family or have a story or important to my parents for what they bought and my mom has done such a good job of she's like okay the family ones that are important those are you know in it on the first level and you know the stuff in the basement is the remnants that I'm still trying to get rid you know and so we know with that like oh we need to really think about these ones or at least look into look at the stories and see who wants it but the rest you know she's made those decisions and put those filters on it by you know doing that over time. So we're not gonna lose the really important ones by just being like I don't know anymore.

Jodi Rosko 36:55

Right. Yeah and not knowing doesn't feel good. So I will say that do the stories if you can on the things that are important because um definitely they get lost if somebody um goes before they've they've done that. So um underestimating how much stuff weighed on their mental health. This is back to when they feel so free they didn't realize how heavy it felt um because they lived with it every day and got you just got used to that weight of it. And so people regret not doing it sooner um because they underestimated how much the stuff weighed on their mind.

Heather Fisher 37:28

Yeah yeah we started the show by saying you know we were gonna talk about regrets but that is really the one we hear the most is people wish they had done it sooner and it is so freeing when you know these things are handled and you have a system for you know keeping you know it under control and then you just go live and there's so much life to live.

Jodi Rosko 37:51

Yeah. Yeah and the last one's interesting it's holding on to items that actually held painful memories. And so we talk about a lot like is this bringing you joy? Is this something you want to look at all the time? Is this you know something that fits into your home that you want to display and look at or is it in a box somewhere because you feel guilty for keeping it and um you know that when you look at it it doesn't make you feel good. And so um if that's the case again give yourself the permission to let that go for whatever reason if it doesn't make you feel good. Just like clothes. If you put clothes on and you don't feel good in them let them go you know there's plenty of clothes that are going to make you feel good and you should you should do that. You should feel good about what you're wearing. It doesn't matter whether you spent money on it or someone else's or any of that stuff. It's about your emotions and regulating what you have in your life and not having stuff in your life that doesn't make you feel good.

Regret Is Normal, But Avoidable

Heather Fisher 38:47

Yeah yeah so um you know looking back at all of this regret is normal but avoidable right so you know take a a listen to those tips we've given and you know start earlier be thoughtful about what you're curating um you know start sooner than you think you should.

Jodi Rosko 39:07

Yeah make slow decisions because you have started sooner and you have the time so you aren't making rash you know panic decisions.

Heather Fisher 39:14

Yeah absolutely and if there's anything uh that we can do to help uh get you through those decisions or uh get you to the next step when you have made all those decisions uh that's what we're here for our website downsizingroadmap.com and we will be back next time with another episode. Talk to you next time thanks thanks for joining us on the Downsizing Roadmap podcast. If you found this episode helpful be sure to subscribe leave us a review and share it with someone who might need a little downsizing inspiration. Have questions or ideas for future episodes reach out to us on our website www.downsizingroadmap.com until next time let's keep simplifying and moving forward