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That Moment with Felice Bakker
That Moment is a podcast dedicated to exploring the raw, real, and transformative moments that define us. Hosted by Felice Bakker, this show dives into unfiltered stories of resilience, courage, and personal growth. Each episode unpacks that moment in someone’s life—the point when everything changes, and a new path emerges. Whether you’re searching for inspiration, connection, or a reminder that you’re not alone, That Moment offers powerful conversations that illuminate the strength and light found in life’s toughest times.
That Moment with Felice Bakker
Lost in Love, Found in Strength: Andreana’s Story of Transformation
Disclaimer: Please note that the sound quality on this episode may not be optimal due to technical issues. We appreciate your understanding and hope you enjoy the content!
After 23 years of friendship, I sit down with my dear friend Andreana to uncover the profound lessons she's learned from one of her life’s most challenging moments. Her resilience and unwavering kindness shine as she reveals how her time in Mauritius transformed her into the person she is today.
Love can be intoxicating—but in Andreana’s story, it also becomes a cautionary tale of control and identity loss. What began as a relationship full of magical promise soon entangled her in a web of manipulation.
In our candid conversation, we delve into themes of betrayal, healing, and self-discovery. Andreana and I explore the raw emotions of uncovering deceit, the journey toward self-validation, and the steps taken to heal. We discuss the delicate balance of building protective boundaries while remaining open to growth and love. Through heartfelt anecdotes, we highlight how embracing these challenges can lead to a renewed sense of self, offering encouragement to find inner strength and transform through adversity.
Welcome to that Moment, the podcast that explores the raw, real and life-changing moments that shape who we are. I'm your host, felice Bacher, here to bring you unfiltered stories of resilience, courage and transformation. Together, we'll explore the power of that moment when you have no choice but to shift and change the direction of your journey, Whether you're seeking inspiration, connection or just need a reminder that you're not alone, you're in the right place. I'm so glad you're here. Let's begin.
Speaker 2:Okay. So on today's episode, I'm beyond excited to introduce someone who's been a part of my life for an incredible 23 years, my longest and dearest friend, Andreana. From thick and thin, Andreana has always been a pillar of positivity, kindness and thoughtfulness, even while navigating three major life events that could have shaken anyone. Her huge heart shines in everything she does, from supporting those around her to dedicating her free time to working at a, a shelter and fostering countless animals in need. Andriana is truly an inspiration and I can't wait for you to hear her story that she's going to share with all of us. So, oh, I just, I absolutely love it.
Speaker 2:We are here in the Netherlands, drinking tea, eating cookies, and we hope that you enjoy this conversation, and it really is just a conversation between two lifelong friends. Yeah, we both have this massive smile on our face and we hope that you enjoy. Wow, Faye, to be able to sit here with you and to do this with our Faye Benota and our tea and our coffee. You already brought tears to my eyes, so thank you. And, beyond the friendship I always, am inspired by you as well. Oh, I think this can become really mushy. We can go back for a long time.
Speaker 1:We'll try.
Speaker 2:We'll try not to Okay, so I love diving right in. Like I mentioned in the introduction, you've had three major events in the last I think 15 years right that have really that could have shaken anyone and shaken they did shake me yeah, they did they definitely shook the world somebody could have.
Speaker 2:I mean, let's, let's, we'll dive into it. But I want to start with your Mauritius chapter, and I say it so broadly because I think I'll leave it to you to kind of explain what that was like for those listening. This is yeah, you kind of won't believe your ears when you hear this, especially because she's sitting here and she's so happy and beautiful and everything but this, this, this was big. So, yeah, in your words, what again? Whatever you feel you want to share, I'll take it's Mauritius and I'll try to.
Speaker 2:I'll try to keep it short. And you're right, faye, like sometimes I don't even believe the Mauritius story. Yeah, and it has been 10, no, let's say 12 years, and so sometimes it seems I don't know if people recognize that but you tuck things very, very deeply and you just completely forget about them and sometimes you're just hit with oh right, that did happen. That is part of me, that's part of my history, that is part of what makes me who I am today and I don't. I used to share the story a lot and I'm very open to sharing the story and I think for myself I've sometimes completely closed that chapter, but I think it is a story that, yeah, it shouldn't I shouldn't hide it away in there. It's part of it's part of my history and, yeah, I learned so many lessons from it. So I'll just give a brief context.
Speaker 2:I moved to Northeastern for an internship when I was studying for my bachelor's and pretty after we were there for, I think, a few months and I met someone and I wasn't very open to love at that point in my life and even when I met him, I was very resistant. I was like this is nothing, it is never going to met him. I was very resistant. I was like this is nothing, it is never going to happen. I was still kind of funny. And suddenly he just kept showing me these magic gestures and we were really connecting and he was really at that point in time doing all the right things, creating magical moments, and I was still resisting and resisting and resisting and suddenly I lost myself and I knew I was like okay, that's it. And it moved pretty quickly afterwards. So we moved in straight away. We started building a life straight away. I was what you call completely and blindly and madly in love, and that was quick. So now I know that I can be called love bomb. When somebody really comes and enters your life and, just from watching the gifs and romantic gestures, use your love language completely and it's quick to say I love you. It's quick to say let's move in together, let's get married, and once you pass that point you're kind of bombing on the turn and you're just completely sucked into this magical love land and I was completely there for you and so all that, all the barriers I had at the start, I'd lost them and I was also okay with that fact. I was truly confident and I trusted him and I felt I didn't feel all the resistance that I felt before. I was completely okay with it and happy with where we were moving and spending time together and it was moving quickly. But of course I was in Mauritius. So afterwards I've been asking myself did I fall in love with Mauritius and that lifestyle, or did I really and truly fall in love with that man? So that's a question that I still ask myself sometimes.
Speaker 2:And the difficulty there was well, if I truly love him, I need to make some moves, I need to make some adjustments. I need to make some adjustments. Am I willing to give up my my life in the Netherlands? I still had to graduate. So I put everything in motion to. I was ready to, yeah, so leave everything behind. So I graduated.
Speaker 2:I put in a request. I was able to do my thesis on the island, so so I stayed there, I did my thesis, I graduated. So I got my diploma and everything and I said, oh, now I can find a job in Mauritius. But the reality was it's not that easy. You can't just settle or get a visa or get a permit. So we were doing a lot of back and forth so I'd come back to the Netherlands. I would work, have enough money to go back and spend time with him and build our life together, and that was going on for a while and so I left all the. I was very on the bridges kind of also in the Netherlands, because I was more and more and more focusing everything on the nature.
Speaker 2:So, isolating yourself somewhat.
Speaker 2:And little things started happening or which I wasn't aware of at the time, but saying why do you need those friends? Why do you need family? Oh, I had. I went together with one of my closest friends from me. We went together to Mauritius. She also found out that's another story, I'll let her, I won't her story. But so we were there together and she was my rock. She was my only connection to what I knew and my past.
Speaker 2:And he slowly but surely broke away at that friendship and that connection. So we completely lost touch and he would say things like oh, she did that and she did this, or the guy that she's with is this kind of guy and so completely molding and shaping, also even like my thought process, and I was losing bit by bit. I was losing myself and I was completely, utterly unaware. So this was happening and my life was slowly just getting smaller and smaller and smaller and it's just becoming. It was just becoming this guy not realizing it. And he would.
Speaker 2:Financially, he would. He depended on you. Financially, I would say in the beginning less, but more and more he was. But he also started controlling that aspect. So he would decide everything. He would take my debit card. He was in charge charge and I let him I, I, because I trusted him and I thought he knows what he's doing. And then he's smaller and smaller and smaller and then, and then you doubt yourself oh, that was maybe. Maybe he knows more, maybe, and that's totally opposite of what I am saying, who I I am today and who I thought I was. But when you're in that moment and your thoughts are just kind of also in control, you start to lose all aspects, and financial control is very big one as well. And so then fast forward to where it kind of all started to. I mean, how long was this process? Yeah, I think it was towards the end. So I think it was. How long? Three and a half years, I think. So, yeah, so I mean, in the beginning it was all beautiful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're in love, you're in love.
Speaker 2:And you're geared towards building a life and building a future and a business together. Right, a business together. Yeah, so that was the, that was the right, that was the plan, because I had come there on an internship and we just saw a lot of opportunity there, dealing with the merchant side, dealing with the university side in the midlands and really allowing a place for a job, for placements, student placements. So we were working on that. I was mainly working on that. I think he also saw it as another opportunity to gain money, or because you'd invested in this business or your family had as well. Right, yeah, it wasn't a huge investment, but we needed some starting capital. Yeah, and I think he he looks at he was just searching for every single way to to get ahead and to to except exploit certain situations. But I was hopeful and I was convinced this is the moment, this is going to succeed and I'm going to do everything in my power. So I went.
Speaker 2:Actually, it was at the end of my end of my visa and I had to go back and I was applying for a business visa and I had all the university appointments set up to grow the business and to inform universities of the program and opportunities in the regions, and so I was in the Netherlands, or it's really long distance. You completely depend on phone calls, or at least, yeah, you need to keep in touch, you need to keep a pulse on the business, but you also have to trust each other. Right, you have to trust each other. It has to be a huge foundation of trust between the two of you to be able to do long distance so often and so frequently.
Speaker 2:Absolutely yeah, and it was hard and I felt that time it was, there was a shift, there was a complete shift, and I found myself a question okay, why is it not answering? Or what is this distance? I'm not personally listening, but it felt all. And we had our Belgian friends. They were our closest friends on the islands and I think, yeah, I felt like there was always, of course, a couple friendship, but sometimes you feel as one person, you feel more connected to the couple or one of the two, but they were really at that point. They were also building a business, they were really my, they were really my escape also from me. Sometimes not that I was looking for that, but maybe sometimes I was looking for a piece of home and they called me and they said you know what you gave Kenny that loan that person yeah, first, that loan.
Speaker 2:I was like what are you talking about? What loan? Yeah, and so it was just we talked about you know we need for partners or investments, and I wasn't actually aware that he had received an investment from friends of ours and they were under the impression that you were part of that. Right, yeah, it was, and that was, they said, that was our motivator. We would have never given just him. We would have given it to. It was like more of a business investment. A, we were given it to and it's like more of a business investment in business loans. It's up clean.
Speaker 2:So why am I not even involved? Why am I not aware of this? And they're like you know what, you have to return to Belgium. Then and then and then I can't remember the reasons, but they have to return and they're like we can't reach him. Have you talked to him lately? I'm like, yeah, I talked to him. I'm so sorry, let me call him right now and see what's going on. But immediately I'm alarmed. I was going off in my head. I was like what is going on? I wasn't there and it was so hard to be removed from the situation. And then I called him, I confronted him and we had a huge fight Because he just wouldn't own up to it and I was like, like there's a loan, a business loan, what happens to it?
Speaker 2:he just didn't have the right explanation and he was very volatile and just big arguments um, and I was just kind of like I'm not gonna solve this, how am I gonna? What is going on? And then later I got the message from Mauritius, from his family, that there had been an accident. So, yeah, they said that my, my ex had been, was that he was hurt, that he was in the hospital, and I really had to draw a line. I was like, okay, we've had this big argument, but someone you care about is hurt, so it's of course your first thing goes okay, what's going on? What's happened? Is he okay? Please let me know. Anything like where is he? What's going on?
Speaker 2:At this moment in time, I can truly say fave. I was you're like you know the survival like mode, like everything was just falling apart. But I was just like desperate to know more, to know if someone is okay, and I had all this new information. I just I couldn't even process. And so you know what I was like get into action mode, like get your go and go to Mauritius, yeah. So that was even hard to manage because I was still waiting for my business visa to check out. So I was like, well, it's, it's an emergency, I need to be there, I need to be there now and I need to be there for him. I need to sell this, so I went there, and so they stopped me at the border. Yeah, that was a hiccup, but she got through.
Speaker 1:she got into the country. I know the side track, yeah, so the guy.
Speaker 2:I begged him and I was like I've never been to Greenland for my life. He could have put me on the plane back to Holland because you're not allowed in the country, which could have happened, and then I don't know what I would have done. But I think he saw the desperation in my eyes. He gave me five, three days, five days I. He gave me five, three days, five days. I can't remember.
Speaker 1:And I was able to handle my business, and so then I just went up. I want you to take us there, so you expect him to be at the hospital.
Speaker 2:Right, he's injured, but you go to the house. Yeah, so we were renting a house. We had a house where my stuff was. I was like, well, let me start there. His family was staying there as well. So I go to the house to find out. I'm imagining to find a distraught mother or distraught family members right and who opens the door for him, he does. And he's never been to the hospital and he's in full health.
Speaker 1:He opens the door.
Speaker 2:He didn't have a broken arm, he wasn't busted up. I was like, and just all my rage, my anger, but especially my despair just rose to the surface and yeah, so I kind of I couldn't control myself, I bitch, slapped him right across the face. Yes, you did girl.
Speaker 2:I did some people might ask okay, that's a bit extreme, but I had been sitting on that plane like in complete and utter despair and also with the argument and everything. It wasn't like I was, like he was completely, he was just chilling, you know. He came to the door like not a care in the world and I just was like you know what I've been like the last 48 hours have been like for me, you know, and so all that came out and I won't ever do it again, I think or will ever be again, yes, yeah, but it felt good at the time, especially, yeah, everything was folded.
Speaker 2:So I was complete. I was furious, angry all over, yeah, all those things. And so you, you, you again knew that he was healthy. Yeah, but then also, you still had this, this money. That was somewhere that your friends needed back right and they have been constantly they have been all my not on my case because they were good friends, but they were like we need to find him, like all that time they had been trying and trying yeah, can you find?
Speaker 1:him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, can you. And he was just completely, you know, disappeared and avoiding them. So they were like we can't, because they've been to the house a few times as well and they've been trying to find him, but it just wasn't. He wouldn, well, and they've been trying to find them but yeah, just wasn't. Yeah, open the door wouldn't anything so you went to the bank with him. Yeah, so I I was like we're, we're getting to the bottom of this.
Speaker 2:We're going to the bank now clean plant. You never had it. Is that no? He said oh yeah, yeah, it's, it's in the bank, oh it's in the bank, okay. So I said, okay, we're going to the bank now and we're getting to the bottom of this and we're paying them, we're getting the money back and yeah, we have a serious competition. I was still kind of thumbed up and I was like no money, nothing, nothing, nothing, what do you do in that?
Speaker 2:moment, because the trust I imagine. I imagine there's a hole in the ground and you just want to be sucked up in it. Right, you've let down. I imagine this would feel like you feel like you've let down your friends. The trust in the relationship has completely disappeared. The person that you've been with for three and a half years isn't who you thought he was. What did that moment feel like? The one at the bank where it just all came together? Yeah, when I literally felt like the whole. I was just sucked into this humongous sinkhole. I just felt the floor like come under me and all I could. There was this music playing in the. It was the HSBC reverses and it was like cheerful and welcome to the bank, but I just it was like a doom. It just felt literally. I just felt completely this feeling and I never felt a bigger, whole, bigger shock yeah yeah, at that point, because that's where it all, it just it was.
Speaker 2:It was the evidence, it was right in front of me and it was a big shock and other disbelief, because in my heart I literally before that moment I could have swore that it would be there. I wanted to believe it and when I literally looked, she turned screen and looked. And that's when you're like your biggest nightmare, because I don't maybe I forgot to mention, but I had to meet back our friends Because I was convinced and then I had to pull myself together and I looked at this person next to me and I just and uttered did you cut off the wall immediately, because he's no longer that person. That you thought is it rage, disgust, like what? Yeah, that was the first, that was the first, but still there's this little.
Speaker 2:I don't know why we do this, but there's questions pop up. This can't be real. I mean, he must have a woman somewhere, he must this, must this bank. They're lying to me. That's what kind of afterwards I was like still trying to make excuses for him, not in that moment, but when we were in the bus. I was like because the truth was so ugly, the truth was like my worst nightmare that you just don't want it to be true. So you fight, and you fight and you find ways to explain. You want it to be rational, you want that to be an explanation. So I think the whole bus ride I kept asking him tell me, tell me, explain this, explain, explain, explain, begging him there must be an explanation. Just just just explain, just give me the facts. I need some something to hold on to yes, no, there wasn't.
Speaker 2:And then then it was like what did you do? Did you ever get an answer to that? I don't. I never got a service and I've never gotten an answer. And then you both get off the bus. You were staying somewhere else.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we went back because I wanted to go to, like my mom's. I've been using my laptop, I've been using my phone, everything was complete. I was like packing up my stuff, I'm taking it. Luckily, I took myself like a, like an unknown location to him and just my own face. So I didn't know what I would find. I was just so confused. Also, the hours before my flight, I went there and I was completely broke down and I was too afraid to contact anyone. Contact anyone or even tell friends because I'm able to explain this, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So then, a few days later, you get on the plane. Yeah, what was that? Because then you're closing that chapter. Yeah, that was surreal. That was such like. I'll never forget that plane ride.
Speaker 2:It was to me it was also torture, because it was. It gave me butterflies, you can't go anywhere and like it was just. It gave me all that time to go over the situation. And so we lived it. I couldn't escape it. I was sitting on that plane, I was sitting in the air for 16 hours and you only have one. You only have to remind yourself and process the situations. One, you only have to remind and process the situations. Whatever I did, whatever movie I put on, or I even tried talking to the lady next to me, nothing would work. My mind was just exploding and processing and moving, and also the doom of arriving home. I didn't have anything to go back to, like I, and also the feeling like I was leaving behind everything I was looking for in the future, and not just your future with him. That too, I mean huge part of your heart. But that business that you were I remember you telling me about it. You were so excited and it sounded like such a great opportunity and you put your name on the line with the university too. Yeah, yeah, even we had already. We had 15 students. They were, they had their plate.
Speaker 2:It was, it was a disaster. It was all that Having to tie up the ends and not even something that you were responsible for, and that's what I had to do. But that thing that forced me into this vacuum of just my thoughts and um, yeah, that was. I mean, of course it's. It's, it's therapeutic in the sense that you couldn't stay, but it was just the worst.
Speaker 2:Was that the darkest moment? I imagine it would have been quite a journey. Was that plane ride the darkest post post-relationship moment? Yeah, experience moment it was because, also, all the things Mauritius was like my, my safety, like my everything, my all the all, and whenever I was in a plane and I've been in the place so many times it was always filled with such joy. And going home, and now it was just everything just collapsed and shattered. So it was just the complete. It was like I had to switch, to switch off everything and to associate all the feelings that I had at that moment. Yeah, it just off, because everything, all the pieces were kind of falling and I also had to like, turn off all the switches. So I'm never going back. I'm never going back there. I've never, because we, we were engaged at that point. It's finished. I'm not doing that. I don't. I didn't choose to finish that. I didn't. Oh and.
Speaker 2:I hear, I heard what you just said. You said I can't love him anymore because this was decided for you, in a way, exactly so you had to switch off. Yeah, and it's not, because sometimes love can really truly fall out of love. And this is I was completely and all in, but there were facts, facts that were shown to me, a person that wasn't me, and actions and things and behavior which forced me at that point to sing, and the love just isn't here.
Speaker 2:So it's such a process and it's still something you don't want to mourn, I imagine, and sometimes, when you're the singer, it's because the days right when you wake up and you call him, you go to bed, you call him, he had all these rituals, like my whole day was filled with rituals and not being able to call the person that you love and trust the most anymore, just like that. Yeah, that was that. I had to mourn that as well and I really had to constantly actively tell my heart what were some of the things that you I love getting practical and real. Yeah, what were some of the things that you really did to kind of more in that relationship or get through it and continue? Yeah, because you're here today like how, how did you do that? Good question was there any support you had around yourself? Absolutely, I, immediately I. No, you're in this big black dog pool, so sometimes it takes a lot to pick yourself up, but I was pretty much. I was aware that I was like I need to talk to someone, I need to talk to someone professional. So that was my first.
Speaker 2:I got somebody who I have to say that you know, I know my therapist and I was confronted with this when I went to my first session. Okay, where are you like now, like how happy are you? And everything was like zero on. How are you? You ever think about not being here anymore?
Speaker 2:And all those things came up and and it opened it's I always for me, it was personally, it was like because you don't allow yourself to really do everything and process everything, uh, therapy opened so many hidden emotions. It's terrifying. It's terrifying. I was like, oh, I went in, okay, and afterwards I was completely broken for days. But after, this is the journey that I have to take because it does take one step forward and one step backwards and to get to the other end.
Speaker 2:And I remember just crying and crying in my car on my way to therapy, on my way back to therapy, because, also, the car was always I would always call him and if I'd done something and I remember always being in the car was really difficult and my phone was there and I was like, no, I can't call him. I'm really actively choosing myself. I don't need to call him, I need to be, I need to sit with myself and just let this be and whatever I'm feeling, that's okay, but I don't have to call him and whatever a dialogue that you would have with yourself exactly, and whenever I have to tell him, I can tell myself and I can tell other people and I don't need him for that and I was really I had to.
Speaker 2:I had to always be. Yeah, you had to be your own big sister, your own big sister. It sounds like, oh my god, we don't need, we don't need him, you've got yourself exactly. Yeah, exactly. And yeah, I remember it was always. I was always escaping into. I always need fresh air. I mean, like whenever I was suffocating or when I had to tell my family difficult things, like when I had to share my story. There was lots of moments where I just couldn't see whatever. I just wasn't really there and I was. Always I would step outside and I would need to call there to hit my face, and sometimes I would even go. I would go foro walks. That always needs to be out of nature, and so whenever I was feeling I was really going for a big milfoam, is that something that you still do today? If you're in front of a big challenge or something, is that something you still do? It definitely helps and I think what I'm describing.
Speaker 2:At that point it was really I really needed therapy and I was in, and now I'm in such a better place, but it's definitely one of your coping mechanisms and even if you're, even if you're having the best day, I always, always, always yeah go to home and work, and that's nature, especially in the last year or two. So what do you think are your biggest lessons? I know it's so broad and so vague in so many ways, but if you take the Andeana before, do your Mauritius adventure in the Andeana after. I'd love to see your lessons about how you changed as a person. That's a good, that's a great question. I think now you know how we grew up.
Speaker 2:We're always like thoughts are a critical thing and analyze something, sometimes analyze it, and I think when life I wouldn't say that I didn't have many major bumps in the road. Of course you know have our things, but nothing like earth shattering. I guess reality for me hadn't really hit. It was pretty easy going so, and that's not what life is. So sometimes I'm like, okay, maybe something or something had to happen. Was I naive? Was I this and all this unkind words to myself? I think I spent a long time being unkind to myself and you get a lot of opinions like, oh, that would never happen to me. I can never call for one of those guys. But my biggest lesson is this can happen to literally literally anyone and everyone, and why? I'm sorry, I hate to break it and interrupt here, but why would anyone?
Speaker 1:tell you that.
Speaker 2:That was so funny. Oh my God, yeah, that was wonderful. What was that? Yeah, no, it was so odd. Yeah, it was this girl here and yeah, yeah, and my good friend, she stood up for the situation.
Speaker 2:But you're right, but that's the kind of and that's it, or I've decided that I'm not going to let that affect you anymore, but to really be kind to yourself and that's in that situation, there's so many men, a lot of women like you end up in situations that you can't get out of, you escape, and you don't know how. And it's not easy. I was even left. Oh, can I go back to the beginning? With all the facts and with all the mutual exploitation and everything, it's really hard to cut that cord. But to actively choose yourself and to really analyze what is this person, what, what are they offering you, what is, what is what is truly. Look at yourself and what is what, what's good for you? And that took me a long time. So I think what it taught me is to always choose yourself.
Speaker 2:I don't think I was in here before I. I was really led by that situation, by that lifestyle, by him, and after I got back, I was finally able to choose myself and to really I had lost. I didn't know what I needed, I didn't know what I liked. I completely lost myself. So it's really interesting. How do we get back to the core and who you are? How do you do that? Yeah, yeah it. It's really interesting. How do we get back to the core and who you are and how do you do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it takes time. It definitely takes time because I've been so brainwashed as well. I remember just. I felt like this when I was in the moment. I always had to let me know what I was doing, what I was doing, what I was drinking, what I was drinking, what time I was doing, what I was drinking, what I was drinking, what time I came home and that was such it was so hard to get rid of that If I would go out with friends, I would feel like my heart would start to let them know. And then I think it's at least a year that I could finally completely be comfortable with the fact I don't need to answer to anyone, I don't need to let anyone know where I am, and it shifted from being hard, because it wasn't nice in the beginning. I still wanted to have him on the other end, but it finally shifted to I don't have to answer for him and I'm glad for it. And it just took a lot of time and a lot of yeah self. It took a lot of help, like I had a lot of time and a lot of yeah self. It took a lot of help, like I had a lot of friends that I was able to do my thing when I was okay I didn't have to pretend it didn't happen or anything and where I felt safe.
Speaker 2:Because you feel ridiculous, you feel ashamed, you feel used. At the point place I worked, there was a pedagogue. It was hearing that that was just such a To you. It was real, yeah, it's hurtful. It's hurtful and it's painful and it would have broken me. And it broke me at the time that I had to actively and consciously to put myself forward and to choose myself. You know it's not like those kind of things because they used to affect me and bother me.
Speaker 2:And do you still feel that a lot of those lessons that you learned then are still relevant today? Are you kinder to yourself today still than 15 years ago? Yeah, yeah, you picked yourself. Yeah, yeah, and I still catch myself, of course, when you're in this little voice and I hear with my mom a lot and I'm like, mom, you're so wise, you're staying wise for yourself. You can't just use the time. You're stupid, you're dumb, so you can internalize that. And whenever I hear my friends and my family were even straight, I'm like no, you didn't, you must. In such a small focus you say, oh, I'm so stupid, I'm late. No, you're not. You know, it's just circumstances and, of course, accountability. It should always be there. But and don't, you're not done, you're not stupid, you're not anything, you're doing the best you can.
Speaker 2:So is that that's your internal world now? Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, I think we all strive for that. So that's amazing that something so heavy and dark led to this beautiful internal transformation for you. That's true, yeah, and I really whatever he couldn't provide for me, or he kind of yeah. Afterwards I'm like, wow, that is exactly all. All those, all those qualities. It's like it's so dark, it's so ugly, and then you can actively choose in this life what you put out there, who you surround yourself with and what kind of, what kind of energy you need to live in this world. So he's who he is, yeah, and I'm gonna be who I am.
Speaker 2:And what did it do to your heart? I know I I'm like hesitant to ask that question, but I think it's. It's an important one, I think, because I, what? Yeah, and that's the, that's the other. I would. I think we're going to go with the word words, but it's really.
Speaker 2:It didn't, it didn't? I think that, not consciously, I was like, oh, I'm never going to go. No, it's not out there. But I think subconsciously it really kind of directed me away from relationships and men in general, just for our listeners, again, depending on how much have you dated since? Have you been in relationships since? Yeah, I have, but it's all been very surface, very surface. So those walls that were there before him like they came back like tenfold, like completely undestructible. And I was never I it just. It was a complete no-go for me. Like I was, I lost all intention to like date or even share my life with anyone. Attention, when you're also like faith or even share my life with anyone, and I question that a lot because I'm like it shouldn't be, but that situation or that person or one person thinks so, I don't want to.
Speaker 2:I don't want to have that power over me, but I'm still learning and researching and really looking like why I'm so soft now or why, and is it truly because that's what I need or that's what I'm on with and my has that really impacting me? So I mean, I can only guess, but I imagine it's terrifying that you I mean we can talk a little bit about why your heart was locked or not locked but you had your wall up. You let it down and, like you beautifully described the wall now to come here to the ceiling now, and it's come down, you think slightly over time, but there's still something there. And then you're like, what's wrong with me? And that's another thing you always think. You always turn to oh, what's wrong with me? But maybe what's happened, or what is what has affected what has happened? What are the consequences of my being like this, instead of what's wrong with me, and I've completely lost this thing, this thought being in love is beautiful, but it's not even in my, in my crystal or anything. It's not even on the, on the, on the mind or anything. So there's been things that I've tried to open myself up or to really explore it.
Speaker 2:I have never been on a dating app for myself. Why is that? Yeah, that's a good question. I'm curious, why? Because that's so easily done. Right, it's like your fingertips, you have a phone. She's got a phone right in front of her. I think about what, five centimeters away? Right, it's like your fingertips, you have a phone. She's got a phone right in front of her, I think, about five centimeters away.
Speaker 2:Right, it's yeah, what is what's?
Speaker 2:What's holding you back? I don't think I have that. It's just I'm like I don't have I, I just don't have the bandwidth, yeah, and it's I only, I guess I, I always think I always okay, oh, it's like, why should I, why should I spend my time doing that? Yeah, and then I would say, why not? Why not? Yeah, good question.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're one of my dearest friends and I don't think relationships complete us, but they can complement us. And I don't think relationships complete us, but they can complement us. And I think it's nice. We spoke about this last week. But to be adored and to have someone I don't know yeah, they care of you for you to be in your feminine and for them to be in their masculine, it can be, it can be really beautiful, absolutely, oh my gosh, yeah, and for you to just be admired and adored and loved upon like that, I would love that for you, if you want it, of course, of course, and it just I mean you when you say I mean you literally gave me goosebumps and I'm like, yes, you're so right, I'm also single here and I guess it's like it's kind of I just maybe it was just so, it was.
Speaker 2:It's I feel like it's non-existent, which is not. This is not right. Like these are like start believing and do you have examples of successful relationships around you? I do not, yeah, no, and that's where, where? What happened? When I've tackled this subject, I'm like, okay, let's say it's a big one. What is happening and what can I? What am I sitting around? But that's the thing. I just see a lot of broken relationships and none of or I'm sorry to say it, but you know you would want the image that you have and it's different for anyone. I don't see it happening, so it's hard to even try to believe that it's out there. And it's out there, I'm sure. I'm sure some of you have people in your ship, but it's hard to imagine. Sorry, I'm just like in my head now.
Speaker 2:I just want us to come back a little bit, because you mentioned a few times you had a wall around your heart already to begin with. Why do you think that is? Where do you think that came from? That's a great question.
Speaker 2:I think it kind of started around when we were teenagers. You had a, you had a relationship, yeah, quite a strong one. Yeah, there was a relationship, yes, yeah, and that was. That was all. That was exactly. That was still all that was.
Speaker 2:I mean, it was different in high school, of course, but it wasn't. It didn't come with all those walls and everything, it's just okay. And it wasn't with all the and I think it kind of started towards the end of high school and then my parents with Morris, and when we moved back to the Netherlands, that's just when they went all the way up, and it's not that because it was, but it was always like I would be, we'd have a day and I wanted to spend time with, but I would never see this over or spend a holiday, or it was very much. Okay, we've watched a movie. We spent two hours and I was really hyper independent, I think, and didn't want anyone to close me, and I think it was. It didn't feel like, yeah, at the time I felt more in isolation.
Speaker 2:But I think it's not to let anyone too close. Oh, my god, what if you did spend harder, or what if you did let him spend? I mean, what would happen and I think that's my fear would be that it would come too close and that your heart can be broken again. Yeah, because it wasn't broken, it was shattered. Yeah, right, to be honest. Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and that that exists. I mean, heartbreak is literally what it is. It's heartbreak and and like, when something is broken, you don't necessarily it's always going to be.
Speaker 2:There's always going to be a scar or a dent, but the most beautiful thing is from that, and I'm not a bad example because I am not here to say it's not like to continue to not limit yourself or to deny yourself anything, and I wouldn't say I'm not denying myself, but I really believe in you and I just maybe you're not the perfect example for when we talk about relationships, but I think we have to give credit here that after something so I mean it was horrible what happened to you that you have completely changed, transformed your internal landscape. I mean that's remarkable. So I think there's enormous credit due there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm happy to it kind of felt needed even that you spend what you really literally because it's not always comfortable to look at yourself or to be by yourself or spend time with yourself. But I literally not even forced, but I just needed, I think, also this, not this. I mean this is, but like so really, and that's not for everyone, because for me, I really I feel like I truly have to have this time for self-expression. Yeah, I mean it happens quite often that that you need something big to happen in your life and again, big is defined in so many different ways right, it feels different from different people, but in order for you to change, so there's an event, something has to happen, because oftentimes we're comfortable where we are.
Speaker 2:We don't really change is scary, change is uncomfortable, so something massive needs to happen so it can be rock bottom, it can be that hole that sucked you in that you're like no more, something needs to change and that this was your pivotal turning moment, which I believe. I don't think we have time to cover that on this podcast, but I think what you learned from there has been integral, like so key to everything that came later in life too. So we can just mention briefly, but I think you and I should do multiple episodes because this is so fun. But you know you had you had a head.
Speaker 2:You sustained a head injury that left you unable to work for a long time and that's completely true in my past, exactly, and you know, you're, you know, was very sick over this past year and you were, I mean, the one taking care of her really, and I think you were probably able to do that because your internal world is just so I'm going to say clean, because I can't think of another word, but it's because you did that work 12 years ago and because that was so transformational, if I can just say that. But what is something? People listening right now and let's say they're going through a hard time and again, it's what, yeah, what's some advice that you have for them? And it's, it's. It's hard, I know, because even if I'm just thinking back of the darkest moments, it's so hard to truly let anything in number one is. I felt so alone at that point.
Speaker 2:I think maybe we all recognize this, but we're really going through it and you really, for example, lost everything, or you're your loved one, or you're going through divorce or or illness. You truly feel like you are doing this battle and you're battling and this is your battle, but nobody understands. Nobody understands, yeah, and truly understanding is maybe a big word, but we're not alone and all the strangers are validated and you don't need anyone validate your feet, I think as well. For me, validation is a big one. I was always looking for validation from him, from the outside world, but the only validation that you truly need comes from within. Yeah, so that's, that was a big one for me, because I was, um, so, when I came back from the mission, having a lot of anxiety, panic attacks, like I was just reliving the moment, that moment at HSBC, with that damn music and, yeah, sitting in a different way and, like I said, I would step outside and I would have full-on panic, panic modes, panic attacks, even on the road I was driving, full-on panic attack, and I was like, truly, I had to go deep. And what am I? What is? What is your safety? Love your safety, love your safety, love me, because all my safety blanket, all my love was gone and I truly had to go deep, deep, deep deep for self-validation and self-love.
Speaker 2:And it wasn't easy. It was. It was years of sitting and sitting and feeling and letting those emotions and just truly for yourself. You're safe, you're loved, you validate, you don't need anyone's validation, you don't need the world's validation. You can believe in this. But what do you do? But what do you feel in this moment? And, yeah, it was so hard to get to that, to do that. I don't even do that all the time, but it was such a journey and I really had to look for validation within me because I'd lost my whole world of validation, and you did that again. I'd lost my whole world of validation, and you did that again. I'd love to be concrete. You did that. You took your the way. You spoke to yourself, exactly the moments you found. You spoke to friends. Yeah, you had a therapist. You got outside when things were hard. Is there anything else that was so key that somebody can do that to help get them on their way to that?
Speaker 1:I mean that was a lot already, but good question.
Speaker 2:Good question, I think, in the most fine, find your outlets. And it's a different friend. And I didn't have fun and I was just going crazy. And then when I noticed, okay, if I just step outside, if I do the or if I do this for us or if I write down, because you're not going to always find yourself but you have to catch yourself and that's going to take a long time to learn, but find your outlet. So, seeing what works for you, and it can be the craziest things, if you need in that moment to eat or to drink or do a certain things, let yourself be okay, because being okay and I'm like being good, being great comes oh, you don't mean drink alcohol yeah, I'm feeling, yes, we're not talking about numbing feelings.
Speaker 2:It's drinking your favorite yeah, it's coffee or tea just to get yourself out of those the heaviest emotions. Find your outlet, and it's not going to be the easiest thing, but if there's something that makes you feel slightly better, slightly better, it's going to come, but in that moment, just to get you through and not the exact. Find your outlet not in numbing, but it's, yeah, music, podcasts, meditation, whatever is your Not escape. No, no, whatever it is that helps you feel that slightly better? Exactly, yeah, slightly better.
Speaker 2:I think that's what you're aiming for. You're not aiming for perfection, you're not aiming to feel 100%, but I think in those deepest, darkest moments, all you need is 1% better. You need 0.5% better. There's something better every single day and you can fall back again, but keep going and that's the hardest. That's the hardest, yeah, yeah. Anything else before I, anything else that you wanted to share again, sorry, I think I interrupted you earlier that that someone in their deepest darkest should know.
Speaker 2:For me, and that's just personally for me, there's sometimes or I could feel strongly and sometimes I could feel less strong, but literally you know what to do. I always kind of numbed these voices or my true feelings and, for example, with my head injury, I was like what about this? Or I need to perform this, I need to keep work. I need, but truly and deeply, I knew there was this voice that kept telling me this it's not sustainable. You need to choose yourself. You need to get out. You need to, for this moment, literally quit.
Speaker 2:I want to just take a break. You know that you need to take a break, and nothing like physical wouldn't let me take a break. And the more you fight it, yeah, which I think your intuition here, right. So I think our rational mind, our mind, wants to take over and say we must do this, we have to do this, we should this. And I think when you hear should, have must in your head, you know that it's not your intuition, right. It's because other people you think that other you think that other people think you should, and I think that the world thinks you should, and all of that. But it's coming back to that voice within and asking what, what do I need? Exactly, yeah, what?
Speaker 1:do I need?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah and truly the moment that I love myself with grace. Yeah, that's when I could start.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so we're gonna do another podcast on your head injury which that huge and then I think we can maybe do the mom's illness and all of that.
Speaker 2:But we've done an hour oh my god, yeah, oh my goodness. Thank you all so much for listening.
Speaker 2:Um, andreana is just absolutely amazing and thank you so much for just sharing your journey in your heart and everything, oh my gosh, I can recommend like tell your best friend and like just talking through itself, because it's been so long and it's like it's not my reality, but it's, yeah, it's, it's a part of you, it's about it's in the same history and it's you know. Like truly, if anything's, you know it's okay and it's part of your history and it doesn't change anything about it.
Speaker 1:It doesn't define you.
Speaker 2:You get to do choose who you are in. Every single moment is a new moment to be to choose to be you. You're amazing.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Okay, bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining us today. If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe, leave a review and share it with someone who would benefit from listening. You can also follow along on my Instagram at felicebacher. Until next time, and remember you hold the power to transform your life.