The Essence of Friendship: Navigating Through Adulthood

Welcome back to Charmingly Awkward! In this episode, we dive into the topic of friendship, exploring its meaning and significance in our lives. Hosts Elizabeth and Destiny discuss what it means to be a true friend, share personal stories, and talk about the challenges and joys of maintaining long-term friendships. They also cover dealing with friendship breakups, the importance of grace and growth, and provide tips on how to make and keep friends as adults. Tune in for an engaging conversation filled with insights, laughs, and practical advice on nurturing lasting relationships.

Transcript

 Hey guys, welcome back to charmily awkward. Super excited for today's topic. It's on friendship, um, which is something that I think we all value and love and want. Even if we don't have it, it's something we desire. So super excited to dive in today. So stay tuned so you can hear about our thoughts on friendship.

Hey

y'all. If you're listening to the sound of our voices, that means that you have found your way to the charmily awkward podcast. Stay tuned for some organized chaos. Hey guys, so again, our topic's friendships, and so let's kick it off with something super easy. Elizabeth, what does it mean to have friendships?

Like, what is a friend? 

Honestly, a friend is somebody who I don't have to talk to all the time because life is super busy. I mean, we're adults, like, that's normal. But also something I can go to, with any problem I can call, and be like, look, I want to sound crazy, just let me do it, or I need to rant, or do I sound crazy?

Like, you give me the honest truth, but also you kind of twist it to what the answer I need for some things. Like, you know, you know, you know, everybody knows when to answer appropriately, when you have a true friend. You know, when they're like, okay, they're just trying to be crazy and I can do that, you know, or no, I need to, I need to tone the crazy town because that's, you just living in a bubble right now.

That's valid. And before I answer that, I think that's valid because I always, I feel like I asked multiple people, but I know I ask you these questions, like, do you want me to respond logically? Or do you want me to respond emotionally? Like what kind of conversation are we having right now? Because I'll let you have an emotional conversation.

Yeah. Sometimes I'm just like, look, I just need a rant. I know I sound like I'm being ridiculous and I am, but I need to be ridiculous for a second. And then we can actually discuss the real reason why I feel this way. And I always loved that because you just let me be ridiculous. And then we're like, okay, let's, let's discuss it now.

And I'm like, all right. 

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And I honestly, I agree with the things that you said on what a friend is. And then for me, I think I sum it up as a friend is somebody who shows up. And it's very consistent, right? Like I, I very much, you hear me say this all the time, like, Oh, I know people I have associates and then I have friends.

And particularly for me, friends means family. So the family that you choose, not, not like I know people. Or like about family sometimes, not your toxic family, but like the family you love, think about your cousins, you invite over for the holidays. That's what I think of family. So it's those who are consistent and they show up for you at all times, whether if it's like, yay, you learned how to tie your shoes or like, yay, you're getting married or even like, oh my goodness, something tragic has happened in your life.

Let me show up. Right. A friend isn't somebody that says every time, let me know if you need something, right? Like they are so in tune with you. They already know what you need. That's what I think of a friend. Um, and so, yeah, I just think. And I, and I'll be honest, I have high expectations for Prince, so let me preference that.

I mean, 

same. Okay, I'm gonna give a shout out to Destiny really quick because she really is one of the best friends I could ever ask for. She hopped in the car with me and drove across. across the country with me on a whim she had to work y'all and she still was like no worries i can work from the car and that is exactly what she did so i didn't have to do that drive by myself like this crazy girl was like yeah why not my mom was like y'all are ridiculous and honestly it was the best like few days we could have possibly spent together 

It honestly one.

Thank you so much. That makes my heart happy. Um, I did not pay her to say that. So that's okay. I'm just as surprised to hear that as you. Uh, but also it really was a good experience. And I think it's important because the older you get, the harder it is to spend time with your friends. And so you have to be very, very intentional.

So like, that's why I say friendship is consistent. Um, it doesn't mean you have to talk to each other. Okay. All day, every day, even though we pretty much do. Um, it doesn't mean that, but it just means that you're consistent and you're intentional about the time that you do get to spend together. So yeah.

Oh, that was good times. I 

mean, we've been friends for how long? Like 10 years. Time has flown. Oh my gosh. Yeah. It has been 11 years. No, 'cause I joined the sorority. Okay, okay. 2014, so, okay, so 10, yeah, 10 years, nine, 10 years. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Technically probably, probably going on to 10 in the springtime.

Uh, you know, it's fine. , 

so since you mentioned it to other people, I didn't like Elizabeth when I first met her, so, um, yeah, it's totally 

fine. 

Yeah, I don't even think. I'm gonna say I didn't like her. It wasn't mutual. Yeah, it wasn't mutual. I 

had no idea. I was just, you know, living my best life in my own little bubble.

It's okay. I don't love everybody at first. But it's fine. We made it. We did. But since we've been friends for so long, because 10 years is quite a long time, and like, what do you think it means to have, like, a friendship long term? Like, long, long term? 

Oh, I think I'm gonna use the word again. I've been using some cliche words, but it's grace and growth, right?

Because Friendship taught me about grace. It taught me that we are all different. Um, and when I say grace is that we never bring up things in the past, like we hash it out. We keep it pushing. And even who I was when I was like 10 years ago, who I was, we don't bring up that, right? Like, so that's grace.

It's like, we understand there's growth. And, and to me, that's what friendship is. It's like, we have been through multiple phases of life and whether it was good or bad. Ugly or not. We, we don't, we give grace. We say, Hey, that's who we were. Then if we had a problem with something or someone, or something between us, we hashed it out and we kept on going.

And that's where the growth comes from. Um, and the growth part is key of that because you can give people grace and they don't grow from it. Um, that's so true. That's, that's what I think long term friendship tastes is grace and growth. And also grace to know that sometimes you are no longer someone's main priority.

Yeah. Right? Like when you go to college with someone and you're in the same community consistently, you're going to see each other often. You don't have to put an effort to do it. But when you're no longer around each other every day, living in the same. Facility of each other. It, you have to give each other grace of like, we show up when we can, but we, but also understanding when I say that, cause I'm a, I have high expectations you as a friend, I don't want you to not show up for me and show up for somebody else.

Right? 'cause I notice that. Yes. So if I ask you to do something for me and like it was an inconvenience for you, but you do it for Sally Sue. Mm-hmm . I'm like, all right, I'm not gonna call you out about that because I have my own expectations, but just know that I'm a, I'm gonna approach this friendship a little differently.

No, I totally agree. 'cause you always notice those things and you're like, look, you're obviously like, I'm obviously putting a lot more effort into this friendship than you are now. If you called and was like, Hey, can you help me with this? And I was like, Hey, actually I'm super booked this weekend. But like, then I turn around and do it for so many.

Else on a different weekend and you're like, I, I'd be like, look, I, I was actually super booked. I am gonna help this person. But that's also like understanding the difference between not showing up and uh, like really just allowing somebody to be like, yeah, that they're actually busy. I asked them last minute, like, no worries.

Yes. Like really understanding the difference. But also like we became friends in a time where like. We, we were, we were together all the time. We did everything together. We, uh, did like, we had all these activities. So we were, I'm not gonna say forced to be friends, but we were thrusted into a situation where friendship was easy.

And, um, when we grew out of that, because, uh, Destiny graduated before I did. So she left and I. I like put in the effort because I knew that was a friendship I wanted to keep and making sure that we, we still talked, we still did things together. Um, I still came to see you when I could and, but also giving that grace when like you're starting to become long distance friends and understanding that that requires a different type of friendship, but still like.

Life is a lot easier because we have phones and we have FaceTime and I can't tell you how many times Destiny and I have FaceTimed each other for no apparent reason other than to just chat because we couldn't go get, like, dinner. Like, it's just that easy. So I feel like you, you make it easy for the people you want to and you don't for the people you, you just don't want to.

Like, it's, it's really simple. And when you open your eyes to that, I feel like you understand, like, who is actually your friend and who is just, there because they either want something from you or they just like want to be there for whatever facet of life you're in at that time. 

Yeah, and I think you hit on so many good things.

You talked about long distance friendships, which I do want to dabble in just a second. And then also, uh, friends that are only there for a season, right? I don't think every friend is meant to be a long term friend. I agree. Prime example was that who I was 10 years ago is not who I am now. And it's not that the people who I hung out with 10 years ago are not great, phenomenal people, but where I am in life and where I'm going in life, we may not view things the same.

You know what I mean? And I've also, I'll be honest, like I've always loved the Lord, but like in the last five years, I have Fully like became like, like me and the Lord, we, we'd be a fest. We riding this out to the wheels fall off. You know what I mean? Like I run to my man all the time. I'd be like, Oh my God, Lord, I don't know why you're doing this to me.

Stop making me your strong soldier kind of thing. Or it's like before I pick up the phone and call somebody else before I was like talking to God. So I do preference that. And so that's why I mean, like some people. Are not meant to be with me in this season and there's no shade, no tea and the same for me.

Like I am not meant to be with every friend that I had before, like we grow and that is okay. Um, and so like, I do want to dab into that a little bit of like, what does it look like? How do you handle breaking up with your friends? Oh, tell me. 

Honestly, I feel like there's two different ways. So there's the time where you don't realize you're breaking up with a friend because they just stop putting in the effort, you stop putting in the effort, and then years have gone by and you realize you haven't talked to that person.

And that sucks because you're like, wow, we were so close at one point in our life and now we're We don't even talk like I might like their photo on Instagram, but that's about like that's as that's as far as the communication is gone like that's it. And then there's the ones where you're like, I have to put my foot down, I need to put my boundaries up and I need to be like, we cannot like you are obviously not good for me, we like we cannot be friends like this is obviously a one sided relationship where you're You're using me and I, like, I'm not getting anything out of this.

Those are the hardest I feel like, because you, you have to stand up for yourself in a way that sucks because they're harder than like breaking up with a boy because you can no longer run to them for those things. And you can't go get her, go get dinner with them because y'all aren't friends anymore and you just have to accept it and you have to like work through it.

Yeah. 

And that is so true. Like, let's be honest, if you are a girl's girl, I think everybody can agree that breaking up with your friend is pretty dang difficult. Like, I, you know, I've been heartbroken. I've been on the floor crying before, okay, over, over guys. But it's like a friend is different because no quote unquote, how much I've ever loved someone.

Right. I loved at the capacity that I could love that person at that time. Right. That's what I thought love was. Yeah. But like, for me, a friendship is like, I know what a friend is like, I, you know what I mean? So it's like, I'm giving that my all and it wasn't just a season of that friendship. Does that make sense of like you love in different phases of your life of how much you know?

Whether you were not the cool kid in school. So you try to be the best friend now, because you know what that feels to be like now, whatever that those emotions come, I feel as if breaking up with a friend is so much more difficult. No disrespect to any person I've ever been in a relationship with before.

Um, but it hurts me more to my core because I have a different relationship with my friends than I do with a significant other. You know what I mean? Like, even if your significant other is your best friend, they're not sharing the bathroom with you, right? At, at the bar. That's what I mean, 100 percent of what I mean by 

that, yeah.

100 percent and it's, it does get hard and I feel like as you get older, you set up more boundaries and you realize you're breaking up with more friends and your circle's getting smaller, but then I also feel like you get to a point where you're like, Wow, I couldn't imagine bringing those people back into my life because that was so toxic looking back and I have such a like a strong core friendship now with like my really close friends and I couldn't imagine changing that because like I have like my few really close friends and as I like continue to like move and make friends elsewhere like they'll never replace those people that like.

Even long distance friendship, they'll never replace them because like, we just, like, we have such a bond that I feel like it's, it's hard to find elsewhere. 

Yeah. Yeah. That's very true. And I've been so blessed that I want to talk about, like, from my perspective of having friends break up in a non toxic way.

Right. Because I am so blessed that I've had so many great friends. Um, and like, sometimes I don't even want to call it a breakup. Um, sounds very. It's a separation. Yeah. It's really like a separation. It's like we had to go our separate ways to be ourselves. Right. Because two flowers can only grow in one little small pot for so long.

That's how I'm going to say that. Um, and sometimes you need to flourish on your own. So I think that those are even the most bittersweet things. And I've seen some posts on social media, like, Hey, you know, like, even if we don't talk anymore, it doesn't mean I don't love you. Like, yeah, that's so valid. Like I have.

Friends that if they don't pick up the phone and call me, be like, Hey girl. I would be like, Hey, how are you? Like now, am I going to say, come stay at my house? Probably not, but I will say let's grab lunch if you're ever in town. Right. Um, something like that, because those friends, those, those separations are difficult, but I also process it a little bit better because those are needed.

Right. Um, they still hurt, but I just want to like give space for that. It's like not every friendship breakup has to be a toxic breakup. It could be. You need to be a better, you're doing something different in life. You're going A and I'm going Z and we have to part our ways. And sometimes it happens and you don't even realize it.

You just look back and realize like, Oh wow, we haven't hung out in a year. 

You think it's because like y'all were in different faces of your life and like that friendship just drifted because there wasn't that mutual connection that you had. 

Absolutely. Sometimes, right. Sometimes you become friends with people when you have something in common.

Yeah. 

And, um, if you don't have that in common anymore, like if that's not your Connection. And that was the one thing that was holding you together. It doesn't mean that you weren't good friends. It just means that like, okay, that's not something we have in common anymore. And we're not, we're not trying to foster that relationship.

You know, again, I cheer people on from a distance and I think everyone hears this. Um, I slide into people's DMs all the time on social media, like Oh my God. I'm so proud of you. Congratulations. I'm a kind of friend. I will check in on you. Like, I don't care if I haven't talked to you in two years, if I see you post something that reminds me of you, I'm be like, Hey, just checking in.

Um, and I say the answer because if y'all knows, I don't say people's numbers half the time. Um, so, um, I just be going on social media and I'll be like, Hey, check again. How are you doing? And I also am very strong about, even if I have friends that are separated, if I see a picture, like a memory in my phone, I'm going to reach out to you or if I hear a song because.

I love music. If I hear a song that reminds me of them, I'm like, Hey, you remember when we ride in the car and we were listening to this 10 years ago. So again, I just like, even though we have a friendship, quote unquote separation, it's still okay. Like, and I, I respect those friendships of, I appreciate who we were then.

And I cherish those moments and I also cherish that we're both on our own journey and he whether we come back together or not, I still respect the friendship we had. Now I'm not inviting you to my wedding. But, I still love you. 

Yeah, no, I totally agree with that. Yeah, well, with the friendships that you keep, what about, like, how do you feel like, uh, you make those friendships last?

Like, do you feel like you do anything specific, or do you feel like you're just, like, There like, because obviously we have a different type of friendship than your friends where you live, um, because we don't live in the same town anymore, which, yeah, 

that is awful. Hey, if you hear this, aka Elizabeth's husband, move closer to me, please.

Um, but anywho. I, it is, I'm a weird friend. Let me preface that. Anyone who is my friend knows I am a weird friend. I don't like to be bothered, but not that people bother me, but like, I'm just a very, I'm going to call you when I need you. And then I'll send a couple of yee hah hah text messages, but y'all know if you get a good six replies from me, okay, okay.

And you better keep replying while I'm here, but as of this moment, I'm done. That's just the introverted me. So I think those are things I have to have a conversation with my friends, like them understanding. So that's what I do differently. It's like. Them understanding that I am an introverted person and I do a job that requires me to extrovert all day.

So unfortunately I don't always want to hang out, but still invite me. And so those are the conversations like I have my friends like invite me. Um, I do those like, Hey, I'm checking in. Like I told you, I'm a check in. With my best friends, I'm going to talk to you on like multiple platforms, a social media text, must just call you FaceTime, all the things.

I am a random friend. I'm not, I will literally be like, Hey, thinking of you are, Hey, right across this song, thought of you, Hey, checking in. This is my, and I literally do routine check ins on some friends, some friends I'm very intentional with of like routine check ins. I have a really, really good friend who's all schedule is also full.

And we put time on our calendars. To call each other. Like, and we will Honestly. And when I tell you these calls are like, hee hee ha ha for like two hour FaceTime calls. And that's another thing my friends have learned, they have to FaceTime me. So they can see my face, because if I'm talking to you on the phone, I'm probably gonna be doing something else behind in the background, and it's no disrespect.

You do other things when I FaceTime you. You're right. You're right. We're in a different relationship. You know, we got a different relationship. You see what I'm saying? Like, it's a little different vibe. Um, so yeah, there's some people, and then some people also just like to FaceTime me cause they love to see my expressions.

Cause you know, my face tells all. Yeah. 

Sometimes I'm like, I need to tell you something, but I need you to FaceTime me. And you're like, yeah. 

Oh, okay. Uh, so yeah, I just, I try to be as. Open about who I am as a person, like my weird ways, my weird tendencies. I don't want everybody at my house. I don't want to be out all the time.

Yeah. It's 10 o'clock. It's time to be inside, you know, it's 

time to go to bed. 

Listen, you know, like these are things I just talked to about my friends. And I think my true friends understand that. And those who do not understand it are truly just associates. Like, and I don't take the time and effort to make them understand it.

It's kind of like, well, You like it or you don't, you know, 

kind of for sure. I mean, I've come, I've become the friend that calls because I don't know, I live such a hectic life. And since I work from home, I usually know my friend's schedules. So I just like, Oh, I have a second. I can call, like I don't have anybody around.

Um, especially since. Like I'm married now, so I try to like intentionally spend that time with my husband at night. And so I call during the day or I text at night. So I feel bad with like figuring out the right way to communicate. Cause like you, I FaceTime you when you and I have like a free moment during our day or something.

And we chat, but I do that with several other of my friends. Um, I also do that with my, one of my husband's sisters, like I'll just FaceTime her. It's just so funny, but it's like, that's just the way it happens. 

Yeah. And I think that that's great. Right. It's just intentionality, understanding who we are, sharing what that looks like, and just having that, you know, um, there's so much about friendship that we, we just can't even put into one episode of the podcast.

So we'll probably have to do a part, a part two for sure. For sure. Uh, But like, before we leave, before we wrap this one up, because I know time is coming, what is your one way, if you can give one person one advice of making friends as an adult, what would it be? Oof. 

Um, I say do something that you enjoy. So like, I moved to New City, and so I'm going to start joining a runner's club, uh, because then we have like a mutual.

It's something that's like pre set up so I don't even have to set it up, I just have to go. And uh, so yeah, just like find something that you enjoy. If there's like a club around it, go. Because I mean, we're 30, like I don't, I'm not trying to like go to the bar and make a friend. Uh, but also like church, I feel like.

I mean, go, find, like go to places that make sense. So church, club, things like that. Um, to make friends, I feel like that's. The easiest way as an adult. I don't know. I'll let you know when it happens. I love that 

for you. You said, I'll let you know when that happens. I love that. I agree. I, mine is put yourself out there in places that are going to make you better.

So not that I don't think clubs are good places to meet friends. Right. But it's kind of the same advice I give people when they're trying to find their significant other, go somewhere in a place where you're trying, that's going to make you a better person, whatever better looks like to you. So if it's at the gym, if it's at church, If it's in the grocery store, if it's at the park, whatever that looks like, go there and find that commonality.

Like you said, so join a club, running club ain't for me. I'm not about to do all that, but you know, a book club. Yeah. Um, if you love food and it's like a baking cooking club, you know, a wine, cheese, taking tasting night, something like that. I think those are good things to do. Um, and I say that if you live in a place that allows that to happen, if you don't live in a.

I think the next best thing is to like, try to do a virtual meetup with people. 

There's like online clubs that you can do. I've been a part of several online book clubs and things like that. So people are chatting in there, um, and stuff like that. So definitely the online is also a great way to go if you live in like a smaller town, like it is what it is.

Like people are, so you said, I, these days, post COVID, I have no big deal. 

Yeah. And I think it's a cool thing to remind people to write, like, you want friends, other people want friends, small town, city, suburbs, whatever it is. You're not the only one. Somebody else is looking for somebody else to be a friend.

So you can find your people. You may not find 50, 000 people, but you can at least find one. 

That's all you need. Yeah. All right. Well, 

let's say until next time, we'll see y'all next time. Y'all can listen to us next time. That makes more sense. 

Still charmingly awkward.