Are You a Cure or a Dependency in Relationships? | Discovering Our Journey

In this powerful episode of Discovering Our Journey, MC and JC dive deep into the hidden dynamics that shape relationships, childhood trauma, emotional dependency, support, healing, and personal growth.

Are you helping your partner grow… or unknowingly becoming their emotional crutch?

We talk about:
• Dependency vs support in relationships
• How childhood affects adult love
• Why communication matters
• Healing generational patterns
• Expectations, accountability & emotional growth
• Becoming a “cure” instead of “medicine”
• Self-awareness, therapy & relationship balance

This episode is raw, honest, emotional, and filled with real-life experiences that many couples silently struggle with every day.

If you’ve ever questioned:
“Am I healing… or just surviving?”
this conversation is for you.

💬 COMMENT BELOW:
What’s one childhood lesson that still affects your relationships today?

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🎙️ Welcome to Discovering Our Journey.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Discovering Our Journey. I'm your host, MC.

SPEAKER_00 0:03

And I'm JC.

SPEAKER_02 0:05

Hey. Yes. It was a beautiful day today, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Gorgeous. Gorgeous, like always. I got into the spring, you know, to the spring feeling of it all. So I'm I'm like in the garden right now and just kind of maintaining all that.

SPEAKER_02 0:19

I got into spring cleaning yesterday. Oh man. Vacuum walls and stuff. I was on a good one yesterday.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

That's good. Because then you feel organized. It's so important to feel organized.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

I didn't go to sleep until like midnight though. I was like, so it was one of those things. See, I'm I'm a night out. When I start cleaning, when I start cleaning, I just start going and going and going and going and just and just I don't know what it is. And and I can and I mean I'm a type of person that can work, I work best at late.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

See, I don't yeah, I'd rather I'd rather stay up late. So I'll start cleaning five, six o'clock in the afternoon.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

And next thing I know, I'm like, dude, it's already 10, 11.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

What the heck?

SPEAKER_02 0:54

That's just how I am, though. You know, it's just I'm a night I'm more of a night person.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

I'm a morning person. Yeah, you're not. Yeah, no. I go to sleep like early, 9:30, 10. I'm I'm out.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

But what time are you up?

SPEAKER_00 1:06

Early.

SPEAKER_02 1:07

Well, see, I'm up.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

It depends. Depends. I go through some seasons where I wake up like at four in the morning, and then some that I wake up like at six, seven, though, I'm out of bed because then I feel like I waste my day.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Well, the last couple months I've been waking up at five to go to the gym by six. So I mean, that's that's that's pretty early.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Yeah, yeah. But I don't know. Are you guys like me where you guys were taught like the early bird gets the worm? Because that's the way I was taught, and that's why I always got up like that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:33

Dang, I was always taught, look, wait till the guy in the morning gets the worm and they just take it from him. Or have that friend or that person be your friend, you know, and then you gotta show your books. Let me bring something over. See, I gotta give you my piece too that have something to do with it.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

I call those people mooch.

SPEAKER_02 1:55

I'm gonna come empty-handed. I won't come empty-handed.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

But you come to make sure to share. Yeah, that's yeah, you want to share? Oh yeah, oh yeah. But recently, uh, we've been talking about you you gave me a good one on the phone.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

Yeah, man, I've gone through ups and downs in my thought process. I don't know about you guys, but you know, you we hear it all. It's like, you know, oh, you have to be alike. Oh, you have to be different. Oh, you know, you guys are too much alike, or no, you're too different, or this or that. It's like yin and yang, and and and and you know, oh, you you you, you know, sometimes we said it before, God gives you who you need, not who you want. Right. You know, so it's like, you know, which one is it? Is it who you is this person the one I need? Is this the one that I want? Is this what is it exactly, you know, and and so is there a formula?

SPEAKER_00 2:43

Have you found is there a formula or no?

SPEAKER_02 2:46

Technically, there is a formula, but the formula, the formula to this is individual. You have to know your own dynamic to be able to create that formula. No one can create the real formula for you.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

And you can't fake the funk, right? Because I mean, how how how unfair is it when we fake the funk and then all of a sudden we're like, hey, and you're not happy, and so many years have already been uh sorry.

SPEAKER_02 3:11

And the thing is and understanding here, not like and and the thing is understanding ourselves, you know, because sometimes, you know, there you could be an introvert, right? Yeah, and and then, you know, and you think, and that's why you have to really understand yourself to know the formula. It's like, you know what, I want to be, you know, they say, Oh, well, I'm an introvert, so you know, I I I want to get a partner that's maybe a little bit more extroverted.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

But if sometimes that's not always it. Exactly. And the thing because they're going out and always mouthing off, is always going to get to you sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

Well, the thing is you have to really ask yourself what you, you know, you have to go out there sometimes and look for these types of situations to see if you really want it. Because we might think we want it because, you know, it's almost like sitting there going, oh, well, well, cauliflower is good for you, and and celery are good for you, and this and that. But if you're not a dietitian and understanding how the process of breaking down these vegetables are, not just every vegetable is good for you. So we have to understand ourselves and really start to do more meditation on ourselves. Like, what is it that we're looking for? What is it that we want to be able to go out and choose a partner that's gonna fit to what we can work and create together?

SPEAKER_00 4:17

Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 4:18

I think because again, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. The one that you keep working on is the perfect one.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

But however, now when you were when you were saying this, it it did make me think though, we always kind of search for someone like the opposite. Like, I looked for someone like my dad. Did you look for someone like your mom? Or did I mean, because that normally is what it is, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:40

Like see, and this is where we we start to find ourselves in little situations. I don't know how it happened for you, but for me, yes, I looked for someone like my grandmother in a sense. My grandmother for me, loving, caring, just you know, just all about love and care. Yeah, and so but the thing is that you know, the way that I did it, unfortunately for me, through time, I realized that it stopped me from growing with my partner because all I was expecting her is to fill my need of cup, of the of the feeling, of the warmth, of the of the family, of whatever that I felt.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

And that's because it sounds like you went with expectations.

SPEAKER_02 5:17

Well, you well, but there were the expectations were right there because she was that person, but I focused on her feeling my need of feeling loved and that protection she gave me, like my grandmother did. And I stuck I didn't focus on the relationship because of that. So again, that's another thing we have to be careful with. We can't sit there and have the person be like, you know, just fill what you, you know, your our cups. We can't, you know, we've heard that before, and I'm a very strong believer in we all have certain necessities and stuff like that, needs that we want to fill, but we have to learn to fill them ourselves, and the support of our partner should be a plus. You know, it shouldn't be a dependency, and that's where the lines start to get a little blurry.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

Oof, dependency. Okay, wait a second though. Wait, wait, wait. So when you say that though, it see that goes back to our childhood. We got to really reach into our childhood and make sure that we are we are good because it all starts there. Listen, one thing I've realized, one thing I've realized is this is we have everything we need most of the time, and it's only chaotic because it's no longer in places where it should be. I noticed it big time when I finally understood my daughter, she is a little bit of a slob. Okay. And and so in that, I'm just watching her and observing her, and it's very apparent that she needs help. You know, so I'm thinking, well, obviously she's a little scatterbrained sometimes. I need to help her. And so I went up to a room and I organized everything. Why does she then, as you know, time goes by, she starts to misuse the the five-tier shelf that I bought her. And instead of putting all of her um little uh her collectibles on that, the way I had organized it, she it's now on her, on her shoe rack. You know, it's like it's it's it's a wooden shoe rack. But why is it on top of that? And then her clothes is everywhere and she gets jumbled again. And I think that chaotic mess, it's not that she's lacking things, she just doesn't know how to properly organize it. And I think that's what happens a lot of the time is that there is a there's a moment where like I was living my single life and everything, I had it down pat. I had my my paperwork organized, I had my refrigerator organized, and it, but then when someone else comes in and you have to share that space, it's almost like sometimes when you do become that dependent person, it becomes overwhelming on another person and like the whole thing falls apart and chaos happens.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Yeah, there's gotta be like we've talked on the show before, a balance.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:03

So, so you know, you said something like, you know, hey, I organized it like this, I I had I had something for her to follow, this and that. But I think with someone like her that might not know how to prioritize what's important and what's not, she you need to work with her to see what is it that she wants out of these things.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

And that's what we should do in our relationship too, though. That's where it kind of goes around full circle.

SPEAKER_02 8:25

But the thing is that if you keep depending on someone like there's a okay, there's a big a big thing that I hear a lot, you know. I even I remember my wife always said, I don't want to be your nag. You know, I don't want to be a nag. You know, she said that a long time to me. And you know, and it I guess, I mean, to be uh to be quite honest, it's it it I mean what is really a nag?

SPEAKER_00 8:51

About what though? I don't want to be a nag about my health. I don't want to be a nag about.

SPEAKER_02 8:54

I guess for example, like let's just say the typical stuff, picking up picking up after yourself, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:04

Well, first of all, first of all, are you okay then? I will be a nag. Okay, no, because you I mean, come on. Women, we make our house into homes. Okay, and so we work so hard. Like I said, when I cleaned my daughter's room, it was disappointing to see her just going.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

Okay, I got you. Now, but see, the lines have to be established, especially there's a difference between being an act to your daughter and a need being an act to your husband. So there's a there there there's there's lines because for one, you know, your husband commingle a lot more in you know your own room, let's just say, than you know, your daughter in her room. There's gotta be, and there's different ways, she's your daughter, so you gotta educate her too. You're not trying to educate your husband.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

So you shouldn't, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:47

You shouldn't you shouldn't have to educate your husband. So one thing that you know, again, I brought this up because the situation is I felt like I needed, you know, she wasn't a nag because when I got with her, it's like I needed someone to tell me what to do. You know, I needed someone just like my grandmother. I mean, my grandmother would I'd literally take my clothes off to go in the shower, and my grandma took picked it up and took it. Oh no, you didn't. Oh no, I mean that's how it was again, but it wasn't like I like it, like I'd be like, uh, so she can pick it up, so she can pick it. It was just one of those things where I it was just natural to me, you know what I'm saying? Of course, I'm not saying my wife did the same exact thing, but we sometimes, you know, she would take care of the laundry, she would take care of stuff. Sometimes I wouldn't make it on the hamper, maybe all the time. But the point is, hamper's right there. So the point about the nag is is the reason I brought this up, is because again, we start to go with what's comfortable. Yeah, and then when it's not comfortable, then I choose to call it a nag. It's not fair, it's not fair for my wife, it's not fair for anybody else. That we have these expectancies of doing stuff, and then we get tired of these things, like you know, it got to a point where I'm like, okay, quit telling me nothing, stop nagging it.

SPEAKER_00 11:02

Oh, man, I said the wrong word. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are those are fine words.

SPEAKER_02 11:05

Yeah, fine words and stuff like that. But but it's one of those things where it's like, man, I I I shouldn't have I shouldn't have gone there. I shouldn't have even been on that on that platform to even create this.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

Yes. See, I totally feel what you're saying. This is why it's so important that before we get into relationships, we have to be good with ourselves. Because once we know ourselves, just like you said, when when we get together with somebody, there is no expectations. You guys, you guys will together make a constitution, right? A law that you guys both establish. And that is gonna be uh revolving about around aspirations, standards, I mean, regulations. It's gonna be something that you guys build together.

SPEAKER_02 11:49

And the dependency has to be support, not action. You know what I'm saying? The dependency has to be supportive. Again, support your good. Let's just say I want to be, you know, like with my wife now. I wash my own clothes. She helps me to fold, and I said, you know, and there's times that take a little longer than I should and have to make like three or four loads, but that's because I go to the gym a lot. I I constantly changing my work clothes and it get dirty. So I sometimes could leave it. And she's like, Don't wait so long. It's like I'll help you do it. I was like, no, I can't depend on you because it's like I want to do my part two, so it's like a balance, and I'm like, all right. But she's like, well, let me help you fold it. Because if not, you know, I'm like, all right, so so I'll be like, I'll try to put it away. And then she'll be like, You're still living out of that baby? It's like, yeah. That's it, yeah. But that's your try. I know I am trying. And and so she'll be like, okay, let me help you. And I'm like, all right, all right, all right. Because again, I don't want to be dependent, but then also I can't rely. I mean, we have to work on ourselves, and and the supportiveness of our partners is very important, but we also can't just not do nothing and be like and not ask for help and not complete it. We have to be able to work together.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

So, what's the difference with it being kind of a leaning or a crutch, just a little bit, versus total dependency? Like, how do you see that?

SPEAKER_02 13:02

Total dependency is like you don't do it, and then unfortunately your wife will come by and goes, Oh, he didn't do it.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

And he she just and it creates like an argument or well, sometimes you know what?

SPEAKER_02 13:10

Sometimes the dependency is like they just the white women will do it, they'll hang out. We have friends that are like, Yeah, if I wouldn't hang his clothes and he would probably just wear the same shirt, the wrinkled, whatever, he wouldn't do it. And I'm like, and I don't want that for my husband. And I'm like, but what if, you know, then how's he ever gonna be you you say you're doing too much, so it's like you got we have to. If if you're you know, if you feel your husband's not, we have to. We have to sit there and be like, come on, you know, so sometimes women will take on that role without us asking, and sometimes we're a little bit like, Well, you did it, oh dang, you know, and it's like then then it just becomes one of these habits where we're not growing.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

See, but then that that that's where it makes me wonder how did they grow up? Did did they watch their mom do that?

SPEAKER_02 13:55

Did they watch they they probably did? I mean, I know I did, I know I did, but but it but like I said, for me, once I realize that I'm like, oh dang, I'm like, yeah, I don't want that, you know. I don't I don't want to depend on her to to do these things. It's like we should work together. Now, of course, I get it. If one day I'm like, oh my god, you know, uh or let's just say I'm sick or something, she's like, oh, you know, do you I'll wash your clothes or whatever. I'm not gonna be like opposed to it. I'm like, yeah, of course, she understands that I'm sick or whatever, wash my clothes, no problem. Other than that, I'm washing my clothes.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

And that's the thing, though, when you're not you're not a full hundred, when you're a 60, she's your 40. When you're 40, you know, it goes back and forth. It's never gonna be a hundred percent.

SPEAKER_02 14:32

Same thing with cooking, same thing with different stuff. Like I said, we can't have these expectancies of our partners. We have to make sure that we are working together to build something, yes, you know, because again, if we're gonna be dependent, there's expectations and then there's letdowns because of our expectations are never gonna be on the same level as someone else. You know, we put value in things that we do sometimes, like, you know, so then we'll start, well, I wash your clothes and I do this and I will do that, and and then we're starting to.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

What are you taught? What would you what would you get advice to people that don't want to do that? That they have unknowingly been the people that made them dependent. Like, you know what I mean? Like they they just like but they get frustrated, and it's not coming out of joy anymore because now it's just out of like you should be learning, yeah, and they're getting exhausted.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

I mean, it it's it's communication. Yeah, you know, communication is the number one thing, and that's how this whole thing started, which is we want to be the cure for someone. You know, we don't want to be the medication, and medication is forever, and we don't want that. We want to be a cure. So, yes, can we lean on people to make help us to grow? Yes, that's the supportive part of it. That's how we have to be. We have to grow in the relationship, we have to grow. We don't just sit there and take the medicine every day and go, okay, you know, this and that. Then if we're just gonna be taking that medicine or we're medicine for somebody else, the person's never gonna grow, you're never gonna grow. So we have to have these conversations of how can I be a cure for you? Do you want to be better? And if they don't want to be better, then that's a whole different topic.

SPEAKER_00 16:06

How did you come out of it yourself? How did you want, how did you say, hey, because if it was like a natural thing for you, how did you finally snap into it and say, like, hey MC Jr., it's time to grow up. Like, how did you say that to yourself? Because that's hard.

SPEAKER_02 16:18

Well, I always I always tried, you know, when I started to realize this, I tried, you know, to self-like ask myself, well, what am I doing this or what am I doing that? And it was hard because to be your own therapist, you could say, is very hard. Oh, yeah. You know, so to to have and change nobody loves it.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Yeah, have the wall.

SPEAKER_02 16:39

So a lot of this change that that questions and whatever, honestly, a lot of it has to do with you know therapy.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

Having the right person to ask and understand and really see it from someone else's perspective and understand that is so important. So, but I I at least was looking for answers. Yeah, you know, so you guys have to start there. If you're the person that's you feel like you're being someone else's medication, you know, and they're not growing, then you need to communicate, you need to talk to this person, you know, both of you, therapy, uh it's very, it's very, very helpful if you can figure out what you need out of it, not just going like, I don't know why I'm here. It's like try to understand yourself first. I will say that. If you're gonna go to therapy, couples therapy is very subjective, it's very difficult to go to trust me, been there, done that. But what I'm telling you, if you really want to know more about yourself, go to somebody, find somebody that can be that wall for you, or even like I said, a therapist for self-growth, because again, there's nobody else that's that's in your way but you.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Oh my gosh. When I first tried therapy, okay, I didn't like it. It took me a couple therapists to to really understand that it was about me. Like I at first, um, the first one I went into, I was just like, oh, well, you know, well, what brings you here? Well, and I I loaded, you know.

SPEAKER_02 18:05

Let me get it. Let me guess. You complained, didn't you?

SPEAKER_00 18:07

Yeah. So guess what?

SPEAKER_02 18:09

That's the easiest part of complaining.

SPEAKER_00 18:11

The person that obviously needed the help wasn't him, it was me.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

Of course, we all need help.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

And that made me feel like so upset. Like, what do you mean?

SPEAKER_02 18:20

It's like, well, let's talk about you. Well, what do you mean I'm talking? Do you know what he does? Do you know what I have to go through? Do you know me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Yes. So it's like, it's like, wait, wait, let's talk about you. Yes. What are you trying to feel? What are you trying to figure out here? What's going on?

SPEAKER_00 18:36

And it was hard to get slapped in the face with that, though. That that comeback was so brutal that, like I said, it took me a couple to really understand. And when I finally got desperate, that's when I said, you know what? It is me.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

Yeah. It's I mean, just no matter what you're saying. Just realize this. Another example I like to give is just realize this. Don't go to the same restaurant expecting differences and complain. You're going to the restaurant. You choose this restaurant. Yep. All right. The restaurant's the relationship, of course. And you know, and sometimes sometimes there's a metaphor. It's a metaphor. And sometimes there's good meals and there's not so good meals, and there's good service and not so good service, and it's a whole thing. But the point is that you choose to be in that restaurant. If you don't, then that's a whole different topic that we have to talk about. But if you choose to be there, don't complain. Trust me, it took me years to figure out how not to complain, you know, about my wife, let's just say, and really focus on myself.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

You know, because again, yeah, can we complain about our partners? Heck yeah. We always can complain about our partners. We always have things that we think should be or ways things should be. But the point is let's focus on ourselves and things will be so much more calmer. So I'm telling you guys, you guys need to be a cure for each other. Yeah. All right. Don't be a medicine. Don't be that just sustaining the situation, the band-aid, you know, and because if not, it's just it's gonna be very, very difficult.

SPEAKER_00 19:55

And it's it's how you say it, right? It's not what you say, it's how you say it too. Especially when you know, when you go in it knowing they're gonna behave this way. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta already be one step ahead, knowing. And and and then that communication has to come in gradually. It really does. Yeah, the change is not easy. It's uh it's it's a very touchy, touchy subject, but I think it's one that we do have to now be more and more aware of because once the family starts, man, those kids are watching you. Yeah, they're watching you, and that's how I believe really generational curses happen.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

And again, it's one of those things that we there's so many reasons sometimes we stay in relationships where it's like, oh, it's for the kids. That's a big one. It's for the kids. And sometimes, you know, uh there's issues where you're like, you know what? I'm already here, it's a lot worse out there, might as well stay here. And it's like there's so many things that you can convince yourself to stay there, but instead of uh trying to convince yourself why you're in this relationship or why you shouldn't leave, convince yourself to make a difference. Absolutely, you know, because it's not easy, it's not gonna be easy. It's and I can guarantee you the outcome is way better than what the outcome is gonna be if you don't do nothing. Because if you don't do nothing, it's gonna eventually boil over to the point where there's resentment, there's just anger, there's frustration, there's just a lot in there, and and it's just gonna create a whole different dynamic that you know you could be even passing on to your kids and not realizing it.

SPEAKER_00 21:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 21:29

I'm sure you've experienced some things where you're like, man, that wasn't the person I was, and I was like with my kids. I don't even know how I was because I was not in a good place. You know, so you want to be there for the kids, but in reality, it's actually could be hurting them more than helping them.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

And and kids, okay, kids are not also though. With kids or without kids, when you when you call it quits and and everything is chaotic, more than likely, no, uh, very, very likely, all you're gonna do is Create this again and again and again. Because you're always going to be blaming that person instead of trying to handle it yourself. Because I, I mean, it's it's experience speaking there, where it it took me a long time to really understand and really identify it within myself.

SPEAKER_02 22:16

Yeah. Yeah. There it's, you know, I kind of go back to this whole, you know, the show that I watched and married at first sight, you know, the season that I'm on right now. No relation to the season that I'm on right now, it's funny because there's there's there's two uh semi-older couples that are in their 40s, and they do not, they're very two independent, strong people. But it's like, man, there's not a lot of chemistry there. They're they're both self-made people, they have money, you know. She's got a business, he's got his own money investments and stuff, so they're good. They're two good people. He's more outdoorsy, she's not, but she wants to travel more, and it's not as much business. So I see why the the the they put them together, and then they had another young couple, this younger girl, she was, I think, 25. And he no, 23, 25, somewhere right there, and he was already 30, 31. And he wanted, he didn't care who he got, she wanted someone older mature. And they just hit some bumps in the road, and she's like, I'm out. Oh, and it's like it does she's not understanding. It's like even her mother was like, dude, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 23:25

Like, can't throw in the towel. I mean, you can, but it ain't gonna help.

SPEAKER_02 23:30

You know, it's it's it's almost like, you know, I and I'll I'll relate it to where I tell people sometimes there's no such thing as a bad job. Right. You go out there and you work, you know, you earn the money that you earn. And you know what? There should be no reason why you go and apply for a job and then you're like, oh, I don't want to do this, I'm out. And you leave the job in three days. You know what? You be responsible. You took on that responsibility to do that job, you know, and you stick it out. You stick it out for two, you know what? This isn't for me. I'm gonna put in my two weeks. I I made a mistake, but you know what? Where's the accountability there? Yeah, where's the accountability there just going, hey, I'm out. Yeah, you know, saying that's not how life works.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

You're not supposed to, you know, what but you know what though, like I said, is that their upbringing? What were you able to just comp out when you wanted to? Hey, I'm bored. I don't want to do that, I don't want to go to little Bobby's birthday party, I don't want to do this, that, and the other. I wasn't able to. And I'm very grateful now that I actually grew up with a lot of people who were hard on me. They were really hard on me. They'd be like, hey, get over here.

SPEAKER_02 24:34

And like, well, the theory.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

What time is it? Why aren't you on time? And I'd be like, whoa, whoa, you know, and I like inside, I'd be like, but you know what? It molded me and it made me this person that is, I mean, I I'm great with time management. I'm always wanting to learn. I used to be more of a victim, be like, oh, poor me. But now that I'm more mature, now I'm just like, I'm confident to say, dude, they they made me, they made me confident. They made me hold my chest out and be like, dude, I'm good because they taught me the hard way. No sneak arounds, you know, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 25:11

And it can happen both ways. I mean, for me, I feel like I wasn't taught that. It's the opposite. We were always late, we were always like that. So I chose to be different. So so that's why, you know, I feel like it's a cop out sometimes. We're like, well, that's the way I was raised. Okay, well, that's not the way I was raised. I mean, that's well, that's the way I was raised, but I chose to be different. So it's like, which one is it? Is the cop out the that's the way I was raised, so I'm used to it, or I was raised that way, that's why I want to be different. So it's like, you know, that it people use it as a cop-out because I ask my friends sometimes, oh, it's just that's just the way I am. Oh, okay, but you you like being that way. That's the way you want to be the rest of your life. No. Okay, well, then then instead of you can't, you can't use that cop-out. If you feel comfortable, you don't want to change, and you don't want to be wherever, I'll respect you more than if you tell me, you know what, yeah, I don't want to be that way, but that's the way I was raised. Well, then see, that's a cop-out to me. Because you can't have both. You can't be like, oh, sorry, my bad, but that's the way I was raised. But I know it's bad, and I don't want to be that way, but that's the way I am. No, see, that you can't you can't have it both. You can't have a, you know, oh poorcito, he was that's how he was, and then all of a sudden, but he doesn't want to be that way because he knows it's not good. It's like you can't, you can't have it both, so you gotta choose. You know what? I feel comfortable like this right now. I don't want to change, you know, maybe one day I will, but you know, I'll respect that person more than I would respect the person that gives me both.

SPEAKER_00 26:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:32

Right? Because you gotta choose one or the other. You can't you can't choose both, can you? Well, you can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to sometimes you can't. That's why I said I know what questions to ask my friends when they say certain things, like that's the way that I am. And I'm like, well, this, this, this, and that. They're like, no, okay, well, then that's not the way you are, that's the way you choose to answer because you have no other excuse, but the one that no one wants to hear, like, we're not working on it. You know, I tell people all the time, look, one of my bad habits is I am running behind a lot. Do I eventually want to work on that? Sure. But I guess I don't honestly prioritize, you know, even though I know people say, Oh, being early is you're being responsible. Uh, you know, I don't see it that way yet, to be honest with you. If I get there 10 minutes late, 15 minutes late, 30 minutes late, you know. Again, see, here's the one thing about me though. Guess what? Guess who the guy who's staying there after picking up the tables is? Guess what the guy helping everyone else out is? Guess what the guy see your face just changed right there because it's like, see, it's like, so I have my goods and my bads. It's like when I said, you know, I run late and it's like, yeah, 30 minutes away. Your face was like, what? And then all of a sudden, you know, but I made the comment where it's like, but you know what? I'm there picking up, I'm there helping out. I'm eating, and when I get there, I don't just, you know, like, hey, what are we doing? Hey, what can I help out with? I'm that person, so you gotta take me with my goods and my bads. So I might be there late, but trust me, I'll stay there after helping, picking up, doing whatever. Other people won't, you know, get there early and leave early and they won't do nothing. So again, I'm not that person.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

No, no, I got you. I got you.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

I got you. I mean, if you hey, if you're there early and you're there late, damn girl, that's good.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

I mean, they but listen, listen, anything started good ends good. Anything started bad, it most likely ends bad. And that's how I'm I've always taught, uh, been hot taught, and I teach that to my kids too. Seriously, it's it's very important. Um, but speaking of also, you know, the way we were brought up and everything, I think um what's also helped me too is that I I was very fearful to do bad things, and I think that was a one-up for me because then it gave me wisdom. It gave me wisdom on how to act and behave as I got older, and I was able to snip that part of me that needed to be, you know, worked on a little quicker. It really did.

SPEAKER_02 28:58

And for me, it's like I saw it and I was like, yeah, I don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:01

So for me, it was like, oh, yeah, I don't have a real, you know, no, I don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

I was listening to our podcast from before, and how you were always saying how, you know, you like just the way you were growing up. I think you felt like you always like your grandma was always gonna be there for you. You always had that cushion. And I think that's why it's hard for you to really be like honest and follow laws. And I think that is your biggest obstacle. And usually I saw my friends that were very addicted do the same thing because they always got l they always got that, you know, they they always had that cushion. Mom didn't want them to go in, they'd bail them out, or this happened, and you know, they'd always be there for them. And that's why they kept doing the same mess up.

SPEAKER_02 29:47

For me, the growing up part was the define the differences between dependency and support. Two big different things. Right. And that's the hard part when you have, you know, you're depending on your mother, especially she's the one that's doing everything and not putting you to challenges and whatever. Well, then you don't know the difference of support and dependency. So it's like, so you got to prove yourself that you deserve this support.

SPEAKER_00 30:09

Okay, so I think it's really important that we touch a little bit more on our past childhood because some of us who always did what we were told um and then later on got all bitter about it, but then stopped and said, Okay, I I I'm fine and I need to follow the rules again. That's one one mindset, right? That's one mentality. And then we go into our relationship and then we grow, right?

SPEAKER_02 30:35

This all ties in though. Like we go back to what I'm saying, our childhood. You know, was your parent the medicine or was she a cure? Because again, it goes to how much education she gave you.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

So maybe in certain you can't teach what you don't know.

SPEAKER_02 30:49

Exactly. So so sometimes, you know, our parents can be cures or they can be medicine. Yes, you know, like, oh my god, I gotta run the mommy and stuff. It's like, you know, it's like I need, I mean, the really easy one that to see when you're a little kid, it's like, are you the mom that, you know, and again, everything's got a level, right? The baby falls, and the baby quickly looks at you. And the first thing you do, if you make a face, I mean, you know you can make a baby cry just by why is it because you're that meta, that, that, that feeling. They look for you for that feeling. So what are you gonna get?

SPEAKER_01 31:19

Right.

SPEAKER_02 31:20

So sometimes if you don't even look, oh, he fell, don't even look, don't even look. And it's like they're like, oh, wait, she's not looking okay. Good.

SPEAKER_00 31:26

I've done that before unknowingly, but I've done that before. Like, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. I didn't see anything.

SPEAKER_02 31:31

Yeah, exactly. And why does that work? Because they're looking for the medicine, they're looking for the medicine, they're looking for the oh my god, and then they're looking for that medicine. And the problem is if you give it to them, and again, there's all kinds of levels. I'm not saying, oh, he's got a nail in his hand.

SPEAKER_00 31:49

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:50

So, you know, there's a time and a place, but the point is that sometimes we as parents, you know, have raised our kids and could be medicines or we can be the cure. You know, so if we put them to the test in certain ways, if we put them, then we're the cure for them to be able to grow. But if we're the ones that they're gonna run to with every problem, every situation, guess what they're gonna do with their relationship? Yeah, and that's where we go tie back into what we're saying. We can't be medicines for, you know, we can't be the mommy to our husbands and we can't be the daddies to our wives. We have to sit there and be who we are and figure out who we are to be that person for that other person.

SPEAKER_00 32:29

So we but remember though, we have explained that it's easier for a for for a man to be more daddy to a girl because hey, that's why we we're called baby, you know, we want to be treated like a little girl, yeah. You know, to an extent.

SPEAKER_02 32:43

But there, yeah, but there's a fine line. And other tantrums and again, there's a fine line though. The fine line is I can sit there and and and be like baby, baby, baby in a supportive way, or I can be like baby, baby, baby on a dependent way. And that's the way that you have to figure out the two cure or medicine, support dependency. Yeah, that's what we have to figure out those lines. And to really figure out those lines, you have to understand yourself. You have to do that self to understand how you can be that medicine, I mean that uh that cure for your partner and for yourself. So you're not a dependent person, especially if you see that you want to change and be different. Yeah, you have to look for the help because if we don't change, you know, it's just gonna be a very, very long road.

SPEAKER_00 33:27

And and you're gonna feel every day like you're waking up like a like a gerbil, you know, you just go to your little running machine, and it's like, oh, here we go again, here we go again.

SPEAKER_02 33:37

It's the same routine, and it's just like, you know, and it's not easy, guys. It's not easy. If this stuff was easy, man, who I would over manual a long time ago and say, here you go, just follow these steps. But it's not that way. Everyone's independent, everyone's at different levels, everyone's at different, you know, books, different versions, different everything, because people have hurt, people have humiliation, people have um anger, people have loneliness, people have all kinds of different pains that we're dealing with in our in our lives that we've experienced throughout our childhood, and sometimes even our you know, middlehood and our adulthood and everyhood. So we have all this baggage that we have, some that we've thought we've over, you know, overcome.

SPEAKER_00 34:21

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_02 34:22

And and just because you're in a great place right now doesn't mean you've healed them though. Yeah, again, that's a whole different topic. Overcoming something and healing something, two different things. All right, you can be very successful, very and we see it with celebrities, right? We're like, wait, what happened? That's wait, that person's like this, this, and that. Well, that's because that child is still hurt. That person inside, they never healed. He can he can stay away from things and be better, but once things get in there and and he's in trouble, she's in trouble, it will come out. And that's why we see a lot of celebrities sometimes just hit rock bottom because absolutely because there's overcome something to be something greater, but they never heal.

SPEAKER_00 35:01

That's because there's there, it's listen, just like there could be good success, there could be bad success. There's people that we've seen, right, in full view who have wealth, but they don't have peace.

SPEAKER_02 35:13

Well, the thing is this are you are you running to success to escape your demons?

SPEAKER_00 35:18

There you go.

SPEAKER_02 35:19

Is is one of the things. Sometimes running to escape something, and you're like, wow, I'm so great, but you just ran from it. That is not always the best way because again, that's what's gonna end up happening. And you know what we always say?

SPEAKER_00 35:32

There's no growth without pain. Until next time.

SPEAKER_02 35:35

Until next time, guys.