When Life Fell Apart — Recovery Began Again

In this episode, I share a chapter from my journey when life humbled me and forced me to take a deeper look at who I was becoming.

Recovery is rarely a perfect path. It’s a process of learning, rebuilding, and continuing to move forward even when things don’t go the way we hoped.

This conversation is about reflection, accountability, and the power of starting again.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Hi everyone, thanks for joining. I'm going to jump right into this. If you've been following along, at the end of the last one, I had returned to a life in recovery. I had taken what I call a about a six-month hiatus from living life in recovery. It did not go well. And fortunately for me, I was able to get my way back to a life in recovery. And so I want to I want to read a couple journal entries to kind of kick this one off. One is from Sunday, March 25th, 2007. In October of last year, don't remember the exact date, big surprise. I relapsed after 10 years of recovery from drugs and alcohol. I sit here six months later waiting to get into treatment. I started with a drink of alcohol and am at the end of this relapse addicted to crack cocaine. Drugs and alcohol are not the answer for me. With God's help, I will persevere and get sober again. I will update along the way. And then at the end of the last one, I had read a journal entry from August of that very year. The good news, I'm clean and sober, I'm doing some good work on my core issues. It's not easy, it's painful at times, but I'm willing today to look at myself in order to have more peace in my life. I'm grateful for God putting me on a clean path of healing. I always say I highly recommend journaling. And uh so sharing these journal entries with you. For me, you know, I I think about uh telling the story of my life in this public realm. Now, I've done this before. Uh you can actually go to davidadouglas.blogspot.com and I've done that this in that realm. I've had stories written about me in uh local papers and in different little small publications. So I've done this, but this is a different kind of avenue, right? This could reach more people, which is really my hope. But there's also the side of it that I struggle with because one, it's like, oh, you know, telling my story again, blah, blah, blah. And it's the what are people gonna think about me? I'd be lying if I didn't say, you know, I worry a little bit about that. Um, but I would say mostly for me, doing this type of advocacy, I call it, this type of of my desire to help others, that weighs more for me and why I keep doing it. Because if it can reach, you know, you you hear people, if it can just re reach one person, that's great. Well, I want it to reach a lot of people, um, and help people to see that you can turn your life around and things can get better. Um, and I'm gonna talk a little bit about um the reality for those in recovery that life is still life. Like, yeah, things get magnificently better, but life will still be life. And the next journal entry I'm gonna read is uh at the end of January 2008. And I'll just read it and then we'll talk about it. The last couple weeks have been eventful. Me and Steph are still spending a lot of time together. On Monday, Stephanie had to have skip put down. This was a horse of hers. This was a very sad event, a horrible decision that had to be made a very short period of time. He was a great horse, meant the world to Stephanie. I've been with her for a week to help her through this. I have my own stuff in relation to spending a lot of time with her. It's really nice to be this close to her. The fear of ending isn't as great as it used to be. I feel fairly confident that it is not going to go away anytime soon. I'll be going home tomorrow. Uh and then uh February of that year, uh the last 24 hours have been pretty stressful at work. I feel a bit overwhelmed and I'm frustrated with a coworker. Um, I pray for patience and tolerance. So you can see, you know, life is still gonna be life. Another short one. Uh, February 11th. So I'm coming on being a year in recovery. Uh last 24 hours have been good. Life overall is moving along all right, work is challenging, personal life is good. Uh, me and Steph are doing well. Uh, a little concerned about Tyler, haven't heard from him in a while. Finances are tough, probably will be for some time, and this is a good statement. I'm going to keep trudging the happy road of recovery. And when I read that one before jumping on here to record this, it brought me back. Um, so what was happening in my life? Um, post return to active addiction, I had shut down, sold the hippo, shut down the computer business. I just that, I just that all that had to go away. I had to really turn the page. And so what I decided um was to go into the counseling arena. I do want to say I did have a really cool summer job. It was this this last the summer of 2007. It was a temporary job with the state of Washington. I was a bug catcher, they have a summer program, it was super cool, and and that was a lot of fun. But I that job ended, and there was a new treatment center opening up in the area where I live. And uh I decided, if you've been following along and remember, I went to Pierce College in the mid-90s for uh becoming a drug and alcohol counselor, a substance use disorder counselor. And I finally decided, you know what, David, you're really wanting to move in a different direction. I was really wanting to take a different look at my life as a whole, as a person in recovery and just just as a as a human. Um, and so I went to work in the counseling arena and I was uh a trainee. You have to do like a year's worth of hours uh under supervision, and uh I still needed a couple more classes to become certified with the state. Yeah, in fact, I took this is in 08, uh Bellevue College online, and I went over there a couple weekends. That's right, I remember that. And I think I took one down at YBC. Um, so I was I was in a completely new career and enjoying the work of it. Um I love I loved group counseling and creating relationships with individuals wanting to turn their lives around. Um the my direct supervisor was challenging to say the least, but I was, you know, that happens in life. Uh my financial situation was oof, it was I, you know, when I write about that, finances are tough, probably will be for some time. They were. Um, I had created some more financial wreckage, um, and I had to, it would just take time to clean that up. Um, and so that's what was going on. Now you hear me bring up Stephanie again. Um, me and Stephanie uh decide to try to keep our marriage, because we're married by now, to try one more time. And I'm pretty sure I had moved back in with her. Um, I had given up the duplex I had, and she was living in a uh a little apartment uh on this property outside of town. Um and uh oh yeah, here it is, March 12th of 2008. The good. I slept in a warm bed last night. I slept well. I have a job. Me and Stephanie are together and possibly moving in together, and I have a host of friends in my life. I will celebrate a year sober on the 25th of this month. God, I ask that you keep Tyler safe right now, that you will guide him towards a life of peace within himself. Yeah, the financial stuff is there, duh. I pray to God for the willingness to make the changes needed to get through. Uh still having frustrations with the coworker, um, but walking through that. Uh so there you go. Uh yeah, and me and Stephanie, I'm just scrolling down this journal. This is when I was doing um uh online journal. Here we go, March 20th of 2008. I'm waiting to start group at my job. Yeah, I love doing group. It is the my favorite part of the job. Me and Steph are moving back in together this weekend. Wow. Sarah, my best friend Sarah, she celebrated a year on the 20th of 2008. That's awesome. And then here we go, friends. March 25th of 2008. I have one year clean and sober today. It is a good thing. Sarah celebrated a year on the 20th, a good thing also. Me and Stephanie are living together now. That is a gift from God. My work is going better. I stood up for myself and it helped. I'm happy to be clean and sober. Yeah, so me and Stephanie, um, you know, we uh let's just go backwards, just the the history uh we met. Uh we worked for Fred Meyer both together. Uh, and uh I met her at the Lakewood Fred Meyer in 1997. I think it was 97. No, 98. 98, because that's when I started at Fred Meyer. Um, we started talking and then started dating, um, and then moved in together uh and uh started having issues. Uh communication was really hard with with her. Uh, I wanted to figure everything out, I wanted to talk about everything now, and that was not what she wanted. It was really hard for her to communicate. But we I always say with me mine and Stephanie's relationship that we're we're both good humans and and we both were trying to figure our own selves out while being in this relationship, and that was really difficult. Um, and so you know, we would move barely moved to Ellensburg together. I said we almost we almost did not, but we did and kind of kept it together. And I remember even in Ellensburg, you know, uh breaking up was always an option and it would happen temporarily, and then we got married, thinking that would, you know, really solve the problems of the the relationship, which it did not. Um, but then it was really weird because if you remember, my return to use was preceded by a math massive mental health issues, anxiety, worry, financial struggle with the business, businesses, um, and mine and Stephanie's impending divorce. That's that's where we're headed, and then me having to put down my dog, so I returned to use. And what was odd about that is I must have got a hold of Stephanie, and she hung out with us uh a little bit during during the crazy of me and Sarah and Tyler, you know, and and she never did heavy drugs herself. She she's never even hardly drank. Um, and but that's when me and Stephanie, and like it was kind of like I said with me and Tyler, with drugs and alcohol, all my stress went away temporarily, right? That's how that goes, and we got along and it was great, and that was kind of the same thing with Stephanie, and so that's where all of a sudden it's like, oh, you know, we're talking again and we're hanging out. Well, then when I returned to recovery, um, not to jump around too much, but I do want to note that the really sad thing, and it was really hard for Tyler, I know, is you know, I returned to recovery and I wanted him, me and Sarah were like, come on, dude, go to treatment. And he just wasn't there. He was, God, the kid was he was 17, 18 years old, and that really put a really huge brick wall in between him and I. He was he was mad, he was not happy. Um, but kind of the same thing in some ways with Stephanie is when I returned to recovery, all of the unresolved issues they were still there from before. And but we we try you know, we tried, we talked, and we started hanging out, and then we moved back in together. Um, and uh it uh let's see if I have it in the journal here. Uh, we we would not stay together too awfully long. Um, so there's uh September. I would, oh yeah, I remember leaving. This was the first time I would leave an employer due to ethical issues, in my view, how they were doing business. Um, and mine and Stephanie's relationship. So in September, I have a journal entry, another change of course in life. I quit my job due to problems with my boss. I completely disagreed with financial stuff they were requiring me to be involved with clients. Um now I'm out there again without a job and not knowing where my career is going to be. Hell I don't have a career. Yeah, that's what I was faced with. My relationship with Stephanie is not going so well. I sleep on the couch pretty much all the time so I can sleep, partly because of physical pain and because I don't feel welcomed in the bed at all. We don't have any affection going on at all, and she pretty much is doing her thing and I'm doing mine. Not a lot going on there. Tyler got a new job and he seems happy about that. I have applied for a few jobs, but am not too optimistic about things right now. A bit depressed, I would say. And here it is. So that was September 19th, and then on October 5th, 2008, me and Stephanie are splitting again. I guess it's not a big surprise though. Things haven't been going so well lately. So now I have to find a place to live and get a job. Oh joy, that's what I wrote. Definitely not sure what's going to happen now. And this is when I knew that my my life was on a different path because this breakup with Stephanie, I don't want to say it was easy, but it was time. I I was ready to go, okay, you know what? I've done everything I can. And I think she was in that same place. She was probably in that place before I was. I I don't know, but I know that, you know, when you think about return into use, oh God, you know, you're you're you're gonna end this 10-year, almost 10-year relationship. In fact, it was, it was 1998 to 2008, 10-year relationship slash marriage with this person. You've tried and tried and tried. And so just over a year back into my life in recovery, we're splitting up. And and I knew, I knew, you know, I I and I she was ready to, but I was like, Yep, I'm out. This isn't working, and so that was it. That would be the last time we would really, really make a go of it. We would like have a conversation, a very short conversation, entertain the option about a year later, but it was like so short-lived. This was it though. I was moving out, and um so here's my journal entry from October 12th. Um, I want to get to know myself and be okay with who I am. I have spent years of my life looking outside to define me. I've had progress in this area, but it will do me good to have more progress. This is why I believe I'm living on my own again. Me and Stephanie would be best to move on and not be in a relationship with each other again. While we've had some progress in being together, there's still some of the same core issue. I don't get my needs met. That is not Stephanie's fault. She has been hurt to the point of not being able to fully open up. I have compromised to the point of not being me in this relationship. I deserve to have my own needs met in any relationship. I'm gonna be okay with my situation being the way it is in this moment in time. And I write two words that are powerful words because I was in counseling at this time radical acceptance. And you are with me, my friends, right now at this moment in time. Thinking back, I never knew the actual moment in time. I this is just it. When I had really grasped that, you know what, this is what I got, this is what's in front of me right now, and I'm gonna move forward. I was truly ready to move forward. This is also when in in uh late, this is fall, October, I've got it journaled, still on the job hunt. Um, and I decided I was gonna go back to school. Um, and uh I wanted to, I think I still wanted to work in the counseling arena, not with that same agency, but I knew I needed to get a bachelor's degree, and so I said I got everything in for school at CW. That's awesome. I also note a lot through here, I was experiencing a lot of physical pain. Physical pain is there also, um, and I think that was related to stress some. Um, but I say, and I note this through these journals as I I note I notice these things. Sorry, taking it day by day, radical acceptance. I'm doing the next indicated thing. So there it is. That's where we were. Um due to the drive, it was hard to do. I need a job. I remember that. I have to trust the process. Um who is she talking to? So I was thinking a little about Stephanie. Um been thinking about Stephanie a bit the last few days. Why doesn't she call me? Who's she talking to? That kind of stuff. It can be painful if I dwell on it. I'm able to shift my attention away in a short period of time due to my ability to not dwell on negative situations. My new living situation's working out well. I've been spending time with both males and females, and I've been enjoying getting to know new people. It is nice. I'm excited for school to start because I would start school for the very first time in many years as a 40-year-old. If you hear me do talks, you'll hear me say I rebooted my life at 29 and 40. So this is where I'm I'm 41 here. Uh, and I'm rebooting my life, and I'm gonna go back to school. Uh so I would start school in January of 2009. This is some momentous stuff that's coming up here. This is actually, I'm glad I have a good running journal of this time period. December 2nd of 2008. This afternoon, evening, I will be signing divorce papers, effectively ending a 10-year off and on relationship. Overall, I'm not feeling much about it in this moment. Have been reflecting on the relationship marriage and believe that I gave my all and it just didn't work for us. Stephanie is a very beautiful woman and a kind soul. We had our ups and downs and throughout our time together. We gave it one last shot and it didn't work. It is time to move on. And I remember this. I was I had a friend, Doug, who actually uh helped me, you know, he sat with me and we got the divorce papers done. You know, we didn't have any problem, it was a very simple divorce, but it was time. It was it was truly time. And then December 13th, I have a journal entry. Oh, it does. I do want to add the the highlight of this amazingness is um I also note I registered for classes today at CWU. All is moving forward. I will start school on January 5th, 2009. That's pretty awesome. Oh, been exercising regularly, which is nice. If you hear a little background noise, I'm not gonna do anything different, but my dog jaw. Johnny is in here, so if you hear pause, that's kind of a nice thing. That's him walking around, and he actually wants exercise. So when I get done with this, we're gonna go to the field. I don't want him to hear me say that because he'll know what I'm talking about. So if you hear a dog caller and a dog, that's Johnny the German Shepherd. So uh there it is now December 13th. So December 2nd, me and Stephanie got together, and I don't recall where we did this at, but we sat together and signed the divorce papers. We we uh it was time. So December 13th, they were filed. And because it wasn't contested, there wasn't any kids, we didn't have any kids together. It's in March of 09. I haven't noted here, we will be divorced. I'm sad about it, but know it is what needs to happen. Now here's a reference to my son. Remember, Tyler, when me and Sarah got back into a life in recovery, I remember like, come on, son, you know, I think he had been to treatment once by that point or not. No, I don't think he had been to treatment yet at all. Um, but we were like, come on, but he just wasn't there. He was not there. So here it is, December 13th of 08. Tyler got a DUI. I'm sad that it happened, but I'm encouraged that he will have to have some consequences and get an assessment. Uh so here we go with me, December of 08. I'm struggling with a woman I started seeing. I like her a lot, but have huge issues with her boys. They are rude, disrespectful, and have no regard for others. I'm trying to understand and not internalize their stuff, but I'm finding that it's very hard to do. One of her boys stole from my house the first time he was over, not good at all. This was so the girl with Gina, we would date for a short period of time, and I still talked to one of her boys. He's actually in recovery himself now, and uh I think he lives in the Spokane area. So that's where that was, and here we go. This is awesome. This makes me smile. January 17th, 2009, friends. I'm back in school now. I remember so far, so good. I'm taking English, logic, IT, and a piano class. I'm finally learning the piano. It's cool. Tyler doesn't seem to be doing too well lately. He is getting a record with the law pretty quickly. I'm scared for him. I was worried. Oh man, he because his, you know, you look at your kid's life compared to yours, and his trajectory in in active use was like he was much far down the line, further down the line than I was at his age. So there was a lot of fear for him. I remember having lots of conversations with people I love about him and his mom. Uh let's see. Looks like me and Gina have been doing good overall. She's going through a bunch of stuff at work that is pretty overwhelming. I'm trying not to take it on myself. So I'm living, uh, I have a roommate. Uh I'm I don't ever move in with Gina. I'm glad that didn't ever happen because that doesn't go well after a while. But this is where I'm at. I'm in school. Uh and then in January, me and Gina, I have it noted here, we broke up. Uh says she was really fun and paid a lot of attention to me in a very positive way. When Gina was on, she was on. I learned that when Gina is off, she is off. I'm trying to see that she's going through a lot. So I remember this, you know, this was my first relationship after that 10-year marriage and relationship, and it doesn't last. And I remember going through that, and you know, so we broke up and then I was okay with it. You know, and in in past relationships, I it was I was really codependent, it was really hard for me to let go. But this for me, while breaking up sucked, it was also showing me that I was truly okay with you know doing what I needed to do to take care of me. I wasn't going 150% into a relationship, and that was good. School was actually uh fun. Uh not fun, it was a work, but it was it was good for me. Uh let's see, is in my head Tyler's going, oh yeah, so February 8th of 2009. I was doing a lot of consistent journaling here. My son, Tyler, is going to inpatient treatment soon. Glad for that. Been spending more time with him lately. It has been good. Dealing with grief feelings lately. I'm grateful for the counselors and friends I have in my life. Without them, I would be crazy for sure. Yeah. I was, I can't remember her name, uh, Ronnie Hart. I saw her a lot over the years, and I actually just saw her uh downtown not too long ago. She was an amazing counselor. Uh, but I think I was seeing a different counselor and I was doing DBT. Uh it's a form of therapy that was super, super helpful. Super helpful. But I note here February of that year, 09. Uh, overall life is good. I'm grateful for my place to live, my friends, family. So things were good. Things were good. I I I uh oh yeah, I start working. I start working at the college as a student tech. I got the job I was hoping for at the college this week. I'm really excited to start. School is good, personal life is good, been exercising and spending time with friends. I have a good life today. Um things are good. Things are good. I'm grateful for Tyler, Cindy, Dad, mom, Bob, Tina, Sherry, Cody. Um, Cody Roadie, I miss him. Stephanie, Ken, Theo, Melissa, Tasha, Doug, Steve, and Carla. I was, I truly, you know, I I don't know that it was intense. I think I have it journaled. I did, I do have it journaled that I really wanted to kind of shift my perspective, really dive into some areas that I hadn't I had kind of dived into before. One of them was being independent, being okay with David. One was my outlook on money. Um, I did change that. Um, and kind of that radical acceptance, um, just you know, doing basic things. That was all happening. So when I read these journals, I, you know, life was pretty good. And here we go, March 13th, 2009. I'm officially divorced now. So marriage number three is over. Me and Stephanie can both move on. Um, yeah, and I'm I'm actually single at this time. I'm single, going to school, working at the college, and this was the first time in my life in this time period that I was just single and pretty okay with it. I was dating a little bit. Um, I had my motorcycle. I was riding my motorcycle with friends. I was living a pretty good life. Tyler, oh, March 13th, 2009. Tyler's going to treatment starting Monday. Yep, that would be his first exposure to treatment. I'm very happy for him. Uh okay, March 23rd of 2009. So we're almost to my would be my two-year anniversary. I have a good life today. I've been taking risks and dating and meeting new people. It's been fun. I will continue to venture out there. Tyler is in treatment and doing well. Me and Sarah spent some time together. It was nice. I'm grateful for the friends in my life. Without them, I would be lost. Uh May 4th. I guess this one we're just kind of reading out of my journal. I'm giving little snippets on my memory and my view of it. May 4th, 2009. The last month has been eventful. Tyler got out of treatment and relapsed. Our relationship is back to what it was before. Pretty non-existent. Yeah, that's that was hard. It's always hard seeing, you know, just seeing friends return to use. Like I'm sure it was hard for my friend seeing me return to use, but when it's your own flesh and blood. I remember this, it was really, really tough. Uh, June 5th, 2009. School is going well. Today is the last day of the quarter. I believe that I will end up passing all my classes. Oh, this was great. I remember this. I took math 101 after waiting over a dozen years because of fear, and I have done well in the class. Work is good. I like my job a lot. I'm taking summer classes to continue the movement forward with school. I would start school in that winter in January of 09, and I would uh be a student until I get my master's, which was never part of the plan. Was never part of the plan. Um, I have a note in here: June 5th of 2009. Uh Tyler went to treatment, but unfortunately wasn't able to stay sober long. He seems to be maintaining right now. I pray that he's able to get sober again. Uh, my niece and her first husband split up, Mark. Well, this is sad, and I hate to see this happen with people I think is was best for them. I've been able to see a lot more of Don since this happened. We're closer than we have ever been. She starts dating someone new. Sean seems to be going. I've been playing the field until recently. I'm dating a girl named Candy. It started out as just a sexual thing, but I've learned more about the real Candy and I like her. We've been spending time together and it has been good. So this is June of 09. Yep. Uh June uh looks like July 27th, so what are we almost two months later? As of today, I have some uncertainty about things. I'm still dating Candy, and overall, it is going good. I notice some old behaviors and thought patterns. I also notice some growth. While I have thoughts of jealousy and insecurity, I don't say anything out loud and just let them pass. She's a nice girl, just trying to take it a day at a time. Oh, this is good. Me and Tyler just started talking again this last week. He is determined to be a father. Oh wow. The girl he has seen is pregnant, and he is wanting to be the father, even if it isn't his. I can only be there to support him. I finished my first year of school this week. Yay for me. Oh wow. Yeah, Tyler was with Chantel. And uh Anthony would be born November. Oh wait, wait a second. Wait a second. No, no, no, no. Anthony's not born till 2010. Let me go down to 2010. So I'm not sure. Um I think I remember, I think it was his neighbor girl that he started seeing. We actually were just talking about her. I remember that. Yeah. Okay. So let's go back up here. School's going well. Last day of the quarter. I already talked about that. Uh the uncertainty. So I don't uh journal. So July 27th. I remember this summer. These summers were good. I was riding my motorcycle. Uh this is when I uh went on a couple camping, camp outs. Can't sleep on the ground anymore. I don't know how I did it then. Uh definitely can't do it now. Um, but a lot of good stuff. It was life was life was good. Um so that's what was going on. Uh, I think I'm gonna wrap this one up here shortly. Uh and yeah, because I you know, as I think about this, I I can go, you know, through like there's been 15 years that have passed. I'll enjoy 15 years of recovery on the 25th of 18. Jesus. 18 years. I was looking at the year 2010 and it's 2025. Anyway, 18 years of recovery. But here we go. So I'm gonna close it with this one. March 25th of 2010. I have finished another quarter of school, got through it with flying covers, uh colours, had some stress but was willing and did it. Good for me. Today is three years uh sober, another great accomplishment. Oh my gosh, you guys, this is beautiful. Tomorrow I get to go to court and have my felonies vacated. Oh my god. Unbelievable. I'm living in a new place. Me and Candy moved in together. Got a great little place in Dogtown. I mean Canine Heights. That's an area of Ellensburg. Yes. Oh, I now have a dog. Her name is Chiba. She is amazing. I feel pretty good about life right now. Have a lot to be grateful for. Job is going good, collecting hours, learning, and having fun. Now I just realized that I kind of sped through a year of time. So where am I working when I read this March 25th? Well, I started counseling again. I uh I start working for a different agency in town. So I'm in school now. I'm in the counseling arena again, really enjoying this new agency that I'm working for. Um uh I'm doing group counseling, individual counseling, I start a family program. Um yeah, so I had stopped working at the uh as a student computer tech on campus and go back into the counseling arena. And it was great. It was it was good. Yeah, and me and Candy uh got serious enough that um I got we got a place together um in in town. So that's where we're at. I'm in a I'm in a relationship, things are going okay. Uh Tyler, March 25th, 2010. Let me just see real quick if I have a note about him. Um, but oh yeah, going being able to go back to the same courts that convicted me in Pierce County and have that record vacated was powerful. Those there's moments in my life that are just momentous, and that was one of them. So I said I'm gonna close this up, and I am, uh, and I'm gonna end it with this one. And it's um good morning. I'm told it might be a good idea to journal more, so I'm still in counseling, which is good. The good, I'm no longer a felon. Another quarter of school is done. I restarted a family program at work. I'm liking work with my dog. Me and my son are talking more. I could go on and on. I'm wanting to understand more why I get frustrated about certain things. I'm going to journal when it's going on. I hiked the ridge yesterday with Chiba. It was a good hike. Today is going to be a good day. Until next time, friends. I hope you enjoy your day and your week and love it all.