Deep Dive with Dr D
Discussions on life and living with Dr D. A man who has risen from the lowest depths of life to the amazing life he has now.
Deep Dive with Dr D
Building Grit: How to Handle Life's Hardest Moments with Dr. D
What if the ability to handle life's toughest challenges isn't reserved for extraordinary people? Dr. D tackles this question head-on, dismantling the myth that mental toughness belongs exclusively to elite athletes or those we place on pedestals.
Drawing from his remarkable journey from addiction and incarceration to earning his doctorate, Dr. D shares the practical habits and mindset shifts that have helped him develop genuine resilience. His morning routine—waking at the same time daily, taking a short walk before even showering, and making his bed—creates a foundation that supports him through life's inevitable challenges. "I stopped chasing happiness a long time ago," he reveals, explaining how accepting life's natural ebbs and flows allows him to find contentment even in ordinary days.
The heart of mental toughness, Dr. D argues, lies in concrete practices: consistent sleep cycles, physical movement, proper nutrition, and addressing problems directly rather than avoiding them. He emphasizes the strength found in vulnerability, advocating for therapy, journaling, and maintaining a trusted circle of confidants. Most powerfully, he distinguishes between temporarily pausing and permanently quitting, sharing how he "quit" his dissertation multiple times but never permanently surrendered. This nuanced perspective on perseverance acknowledges human limitations while still embracing the power of determination. Whether you're facing everyday stressors or significant life challenges, this episode offers practical wisdom for building the mental toughness to walk through difficult times and emerge stronger on the other side. Subscribe now and discover the resilience that already lives within you.
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Hi everyone and welcome back to the show. This is Dr D, and today's topic is going to surround a topic of mental toughness in real life. It's not just for elite athletes or people who are in these positions where we tend to put them on pedestals and think, wow, they have such great strength to get through things. I'm going to tell you about the reality that we all can develop the ability and skills to get through really hard things. I like to be kind of a myth buster in certain ways. In different areas of our life, and this is certainly one of them, we tend to attribute the ability to get through hard things to only certain people, and I believe that is 100% a myth. I want to start with I'm recording this one on Mother's Day, so a belated Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there.
Speaker 1:I have many great memories of my mom and if you follow me at all, you know that I lived kind of a wild, crazy childhood. I just released my book in the last month, grit Over Shame, and my mom is in that book. Obviously we went through a lot as kids. She wouldn't have been the best example of a young mother in a lot of ways, but also in that same thread. She was a good mother. She was doing the best she could with what she had. I didn't learn that until much later in life. I'm grateful for the last 15-20 years I had with my mom. The last 10 years for sure that she was alive was the time that we were closest, and so the loss of my mom was hard and a shout out to the memory of my son's mother, my first wife and the mother of my son. I know this is again this is recorded on Mother's Day Not an easy day for my son because this is a pretty fresh loss. So a belated happy Mother's Day to all. And so let's, let's, oh, I'll talk about just briefly my book. It's out there, grit Over Shame, from Addiction and Incarceration to Recovery and Redemption. It is available on Amazon as an ebook through Kindle. You can also get the paperback and you can also get it as an e-book on Apple Books. It's available locally in Ellensburg at two bookstores, the only two bookstores we have in town Pearl Street Books and Gerald's. So you can get it in paperback form if you're in the area, just by going into the bookstore.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about mental toughness in real life, in real time, right and I'm going to talk about a few points emotional regulation during those tough times, choosing values over feelings. I'm going to talk about the reality that, if you can understand that thoughts come before feelings, I'm going to say that again, thoughts come before feelings. Therefore, if you can regulate your thinking, you can regulate your feeling. That's an important one. I'm going to talk about times when I, you know, showed up even when I didn't feel like it, and then some of my daily routines that I use, that really kind of always keep me at the ready. Like I'm not always hoping for tough times, but we all know life being life, there are going to be tough times. So I'm going to talk about things I do on a regular basis to have that mental toughness, have that grit. I like the word grit. It's in the title of my book. I must like it. So let's talk about emotional regulation during chaos. So let's talk about emotional regulation during chaos. There are things that we can do to manage the tough times and I'm a realist.
Speaker 1:I stopped chasing happiness a long time ago. Now I say that to say this I love laughing, I love having a good time. Katrina and I laugh a lot. We joke, we have our banter. Um, you know, johnny's a goofy dog I love. I'm a practical joker, like I love being happy. Don't take what I just said um wrong, don't take it out of context.
Speaker 1:Um, I stopped chasing happiness because the reality is that's not normal life, right? Normal life is ebbs and flows. We're going to have good times, we're going to have bad times, we're going to have in-between times. One of the things that I I employed in my life a while back now is this you know this reality that if you know, if I don't have any real big highs in a day or really big lows, it just kind of flows along, that's a good day, that's a great day to me. I see that as a successful day. So, for yourself, think about that. If you have a good, to me, a good day is one where it's certainly we don't hope for really terrible days, but if you have some highlights in your day, that's a great day. Right? If it just flows normal, that's a good day. So I stopped chasing happiness a long time ago because I was let down a lot, right? If things didn't always go how I wanted them to go, then it was probably going to be a tough day, and I hope that makes sense. So think about that for yourself, and I hope that makes sense. So think about that for yourself.
Speaker 1:I think I'm just going to go right to talking about some of my daily habits that help me regulate my emotions. It almost automatically happens when I do go through tough times, and for those that follow me and listen, you're going to hear some familiar themes. And for those that follow me and listen, you're going to hear some familiar themes. Number one and I think this really helps me a lot, especially through difficult periods of life is I get up and I go to bed at nearly the same time every day On the weekends I will let myself sleep in a little bit, usually a half hour hour past a normal time that I get up During the week. I get up at about 5.30, between 5.30 and 5.45 am every day. I just naturally do that now because it's such a habit, and the very first thing I do when I get up is I open all the blinds and curtains, I let that natural light in and then I go downstairs, take a couple drinks of that first cup of coffee in the morning and then I go on a morning walk.
Speaker 1:I get outside every day. This is before I even shower and get ready for the day ahead. I go on and it's not a long walk. Some mornings if I'm just not feeling it or if it's like crazy weather, it might just be a block Sometimes maybe, but I get outside every day and that morning walk, I got to tell you, for headspace is a powerful thing, because it's on that morning walk If I wake up and I'm in a negative headspace. That morning walk helps me at least get to neutral ground. It helps me at least get to a place of you know what I can do the day, I can do today. So that's what I do.
Speaker 1:And then I come back and very simple task I make the bed every day. It's a little bit harder to get back into a maid bed. I make my bed every day and then I put something nutritious in my body a banana every morning and cereal or oatmeal. Right, nutrition is really important for mental toughness. To have grit, you've got to have nutrition, you've got to think about physical care of your body and your brain. And we do that through the food we eat and the activity we do and also by getting up at that same time every day and getting my feet moving. I'm physically moving right. Physical movement is a powerful thing for grit, for mental toughness, that physical movement.
Speaker 1:So, whether you go to a gym or, like I, walk everywhere I go, I've been purposely doing an evening walk after dinner. We eat an early dinner and I do an evening walk. I've been doing that. I hike the ridge once a week. Once a week. You might be an athlete and athletes will tell you that it's a powerful tool for our physical side of our brain, building that mental toughness, the ability to endure when things get tough. So that's my morning routine and I got to tell you it helps me a lot. And what also helps me and I just said it is getting up and going to bed at the same time. My wife and I are very much in tune with this. I go to bed early. I always joke, if you want to get a hold of me after 7, 8 pm, it's gonna be the next morning. It's kind of a joke but it's actually true. So getting that, your body, having that normal sleep cycle, is so important for grit, for mental toughness, for emotional regulation.
Speaker 1:Okay, and then what else do I do? What are some skills I use on a regular basis that help me have that grit and that ability to walk through hard things. For me and you hear me talk about it it's my circle of influence, the people that I talk to on a regular basis, the people that I can reach out to and bounce things off of when things are hard. Talking to someone before I make a knee-jerk decision In a different realm, but in this realm for sure the 24-hour rule, when I think I need to send an email and I'm in an emotional heightened state, right, a heightened state of emotion. Before I send a text message or email, I wait, wait 24 hours. It's the 24-hour rule. You can draft it, you can even put it in a note and type away right, or journal Journal is such a powerful tool for managing my emotions, my emotions.
Speaker 1:So what else do I do? I address things as they come, like small tasks that you can knock off your list are so good to do, because procrastination is not a good thing. When we put things off, and put things off, especially those hard conversations, that can be the flip side, right? It's like, oh, I'm not addressing this problem, If I don't address it, it'll go away. That's not true. The problem won't go away. So, talking to people in my circle of influence influence is really important.
Speaker 1:Journaling is a great, powerful tool. You've heard me read pieces of my journal that I have decades worth of my life written down. Whether it's physically written down or on my online journal Um, that can be really, really helpful. Um, therapy, friends, therapy, therapy, therapy. I uh, I have been to tons of therapy and I see that as a strength, not a weakness. Again, I'm going to say that therapy is a strength, not a weakness, for all humans. Right, going to a professional and talking about what's going on in your life, I jokingly but truthfully say I have a therapist on call. I go when I need to and I've had spaces in my life where I've gone weekly, bi-weekly, and then it goes to, you know, once a month or whatever it is, and then you know what I'm good right now. So I don't need therapy in this moment in time.
Speaker 1:Being real with yourself and going when you need to go and then, if you don't need to go, don't go. What are some other things that I do? You know I'm going to say this walking through hard things is it builds up your grit. Right, being willing to show up. You know I I I'm on a committee in the work I do on campus and because I believe this, that if you're going to complain, you should also be willing to step up and be part of the change, right, and this isn't a negative thing. This committee I'm on, it's actually really cool, but I'm going to tell you it's kind of scary right, because it's a new thing. But I'm going to tell you it's kind of scary, right, because it's a new thing. I'm working with new people, but I show up, I suit up and I show up and I'm willing to walk through the hard things.
Speaker 1:You can do the dance, you know we talk about really deep stuff, like I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I did the dance with that for literally until I found recovery and even into early recovery, where you know, if I don't talk about it, if I'm not, you know, if I just keep it a secret, that pain and that trauma it'll just, you know, go away. No, it doesn't, it doesn't go away. So I had to go to counseling and talk about it and own it in a way, and talk about the hurt and face it. That's what's really important. So I think part of grit is walking through hard things, not just not talking about it, not just having it come out in different ways. Because that's what happens, friends, when we keep problems inside, when we don't talk about them, it's kind of like a hose that starts developing leaks along the way. The water's coming out, but it's also coming out in these other weird ways. Right, that's what happens with the problems that we don't address in our lives.
Speaker 1:I've had points in my life where I've walked through hard things and I've just been willing to do what I had to do to get through it. You know, going from GED to Dr D, I got to tell you I going through a dissertation, wow, I say this, I quit multiple times. I did right, like I'm not doing this, blah, blah, blah. But I, because I had the skills in my repertoire that I'm talking to you about, I only quit temporarily, I didn't quit permanently. Sometimes and I say this, sometimes it can be okay to pause If you're working toward a goal or if you're walking through hard things and you're doing the work, sometimes it can be okay to step back, pause, not quit permanently, and then start again. That actually, in my view, is part of grit. It's being in those spaces where you know what. I just need to pause for the moment.
Speaker 1:I'm going to take a break and then I'm going to get back at it, so I think I'm going to keep this one short for this week. I want to tell you that you have it within you to do amazing things. I believe it and I want you to believe it. So, if you need, go back and listen to some more some of my previous podcast. If this one struck a chord in you, go back and listen to the podcast where I tell the story of my life and you'll hear from a guy who's been through some things and who's came out the other side strong. Who's been through some things and who's came out the other side strong.
Speaker 1:Like I say to people as I close this up, I don't wish for anyone to go through the crazy of my life, but I know that we're all going to go through things, whether it's the crazy stuff I've been through or lighter stuff. But I can say, having gone through the crazy things I've gone through in my life stuff, but I can say, having gone through the crazy things I've gone through in my life, I am strong because of those things I don't want to go through those again. I hope others don't have to go through those same things. But you're going to go through hard things, and when we're willing to walk through instead of around, instead of ignoring it when we're willing to walk through it, we do come out stronger on the other side. So I hope for you, grit in the way that it looks for you, until next time.