Deep Dive with Dr D
Discussions on life and living with Dr D. A man who has risen from the lowest depths of life to the amazing life he has now.
Deep Dive with Dr D
Why Learning to Say No Will Transform Your Personal and Professional Life
Setting boundaries and learning to say "no" is a crucial skill that enables personal growth and protects mental well-being. This transformative practice allows us to reclaim our time and energy while still maintaining healthy relationships with others.
• Saying "no" doesn't mean you're unhelpful or a bad person—it means you value your time and energy
• Using your calendar strategically helps prevent overcommitment
• "No" is a complete sentence—you don't need to explain your boundaries to others
• People who set healthy boundaries actually gain more respect from others
• The mindset shift from "I have to" to "I get to" transforms how we view necessary commitments
• Setting boundaries takes practice and gets easier over time
• You can say no with kindness and clarity without being rude
• Identify people in your life who model healthy boundaries and learn from them
• For those in recovery, boundary-setting is especially important for maintaining sobriety
Think about one small boundary you can set this week to protect your time and energy.
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Hi everyone, welcome to the show. I am going to talk today about the art of saying no, how setting boundaries can help transform your life. If you are working toward a goal, if you're working toward behavior change from negative to positive, if you're working toward changing your relationship with drugs and alcohol any of these things you're going to have to learn how to set boundaries, how to say no, how to strategically say yes. It's a skill that I have learned and I had to learn to be able to improve my life. I used to say yes all the time because I felt like I had to. I wanted to fit in. I felt like I had to say yes to have friends. What I learned in recovery, through counseling and through educating myself, is that having healthy boundaries is critically important to having quality of life. I really say it actually allows me to say yes more, if that can make sense at all. It's just important to know that saying no is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean that you're not willing to help others. It doesn't mean you're not a good parent. It doesn't mean you're a terrible person in a relationship. None of those are true. Just because you have learned the art of saying no, it's important to be protective of your time and space. So I think we can get in situations in life, in certain work situations and family situations, where we feel like we have to say yes.
Speaker 1:And talking in the professional world, I say this to young professionals I actually just had this talk with students last week. You know, if you're new with a company or you're new in your profession, you might want to be a yes man. Right, You're making a name for yourself. So maybe when you're first starting out, you say, yeah, I'll take on that project, or yeah, I'll take on that new department, or whatever the case may be. And then, once you build a name for yourself, then you can start saying no, because if you say yes all the time, guess what's going to happen? Your employer is always going to want to use you because you always say yes. So having the ability to say no is really important.
Speaker 1:Um, we live in a society, in certain parts of our society, where it's like, yeah, you, you know you gotta be busy, and you see that you see people. I see people who are just oh so busy all the time. Well, maybe you need to learn to set boundaries so you aren't busy all the time. Anyone who knows me knows I love my naps and guess what? I'm protective of that space.
Speaker 1:I've worked decades of my life, right. I've worked since I was oh, I don't know. My first job was a paper route, but my first real job was I think it was a dishwasher, and that was at 14 or 15 years old. And I've really, except for short periods of time, I've worked ever since and I've worked in every profession and in a lot of different industries and I've done the you know salaried and you're expected to work 60 to 80 hours a week. I was like no, you know. You know what? I don't need to be that busy. I don't need to be so busy that I don't have time for self-care. And that's part of what saying no is about is self-care. And you know what Respect for yourself and others. Because if you're saying yes all the time, guess what You're over committing and you're probably having to say oh gosh, you know what. I'm sorry, I said yes to that. I didn't realize I had these other things going on. Blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:One thing that I do if someone asks me to do something, if they want a yes, I don't usually say yes right out of the gate. I just don't what I usually will do. If it's something I want to commit to, I'll say I need to look at my calendar and I put it in my calendar. I go to my calendar and if there's time and space in there then I usually go yep, I have time to do this. Let's do it. A lot of times, though, I don't say yes right out of the gate. I'll say I need to, either, if it's a personal thing, talk to Katrina or see if we can go there or do that, and then I get back to that person and I say whether I can do it or not. I almost automatically am not always going to say yes right out of the gate. Same with work right, If I get asked to be on a committee or do some work or whatever it is, I might say let me get back to you, I need to check my calendar. So, running from a calendar, this is a little tip for you. Every one of us has a phone, a smart device, and you have a calendar in there. Use that calendar. That can help you to not overcommit, to just say yes all the time, because if you already have something in there, then you say no.
Speaker 1:And it can be hard to start this habit of saying no. Right, it can be it. Can you feel guilty? You fear that someone's not going to like you. You know that people pleasing it's like, oh, they're not going to be happy. You know what? Not everyone's going to be happy with you. Anyway, that's life. You will actually get more respect from people If you learn the art of saying no, and it kind of goes back to that thing of you learn the art of saying no and it kind of goes back to that thing of if you say yes and then have to go back and say, oh, I overcommitted myself, right? That's more of a bad look than if you just say no right out of the gate.
Speaker 1:And here's another one no is a complete sentence. What? Yeah, you don't have to explain why you don't want to go somewhere. You don't have to explain why you don't want to do something. No is a complete sentence. No, you can be kind. No, thank you. I appreciate the offer, but I'm not interested and people will do what they do. They're going to be oh well, why don't you want to do that? You know what? I just don't want to do it. I don't feel like it's something I'd be interested in, whatever the case may be. So no is a complete sentence. This is a little quote for you to think about.
Speaker 1:You have the right to say no without feeling guilty. You do. You have a right to protect your time and your space however you choose. Now, certainly, there might be situations where you know if you're in a family situation or if it's a work situation where you're going to have to seriously consider it. And, yeah, there are going to be times where you're going to have to do things that you don't really want to do. Right, that's normal.
Speaker 1:We have to go to work. Yeah, I have to commit. I have to say, yes, I have to go to work. Yeah, I have to commit. I have to say, yes, I have to go to work. I choose to go into things like I don't. I say this I'm thinking of my students. We're getting toward the end of the academic year and I say this in the classroom when I have the opportunity, I don't have to do much, I get to do a lot. Wow, I'm going to say that again I don't have to do much, I get to do a lot in life. Like, yeah, we have to work because we have to earn an income, but in my life today, the work that I do is work of my choice. I've chosen my career, so I have to work, but I don't feel you've heard this I don't feel like I'm going to work because I love the work I get to do.
Speaker 1:Think about that for you and your life, and where you're spending your time, what you're saying yes to right. Here's another one Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. I'm going to say that again Daring to set boundaries is about having courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. I'll say it again You're not going to make everyone happy and yeah, there are going to be people and that's their stuff who are going to be upset. If you choose to say no to something, whatever it is Right, that's okay. They'll get over it. They'll move on.
Speaker 1:Think about these questions when was the last time I said yes, when I really wanted to say no, and how did that leave you feeling Right? You probably didn't enjoy doing what you said yes to and you really would have preferred to stay home or whatever it was Right. Think about this over the next week. What's one small thing I could say no to this week to protect my time? Think about that. How can I practice setting a boundary and this is important, you don't have to be a jerk, right. How can I practice setting a boundary with kindness and clarity? Easy, that's it. That's a complete sentence. You don't have to go.
Speaker 1:We we tend to go into this explaining and over explaining of why we don't want to do a, b or c when it can be as simple as no thanks for the offer, I'm not interested. Complete sentence for people in recovery. You know we. I talk to someone in recovery if you get offered alcohol or drugs, no thanks, I'm good. And there's a whole bunch of talk about having these different ways to explain it. You don't have to explain it. You don't have to explain to anyone why you're choosing to not drink. Drinking is the one. Or smoking pot, Pot's legal right, Heavy drugs, it's like. Well, that's illegal. But even anything, any substance that you're choosing to not put in your body, you don't have to explain that to anyone.
Speaker 1:Mine is, I kind of have fun with it If I'm out. I like to go watch live music downtown from time to time and there might be alcohol there and it actually rarely happens, but it could happen. Most people know I'm in recovery so it doesn't happen. But if it were to happen and it has from time to time someone says oh, do you want a beer, do you want something? I'm like nope, I've had enough. And they're like what I say, there's not enough alcohol in this place to satisfy me if I have one. And they usually go oh, okay, got it. And they laugh. We laugh. Right, Saying no to anything in your life is okay, right, I'll say that to say this Now, if you're a parent or if you have a significant other, again with that job, you're going to have to say yes to some things.
Speaker 1:But I choose to go.
Speaker 1:You know what? I get to do a lot, I don't have to do much. It's kind of an attitude and a mindset to those things that we have to participate in. We're having to say yes. If you're a parent, you're having to say yes to a lot on a daily basis. But isn't that an amazing thing that you get to help mold and shape a young person's life? That you get to help mold and shape a young person's life. That's how I look at it. I'm a grandparent, I get to be involved in my grandson's lives. Today, I'm a husband to my wife and I'm glad that I get the opportunity to share my life with her. You can carry it with your pets if you take care of animals, right? We're a dog family, a cat family, Like, wow, my dog Johnny, like he relies on me 100% for his livelihood, his life. What an awesome responsibility, what a great thing that I get to choose to participate in.
Speaker 1:Think about this who in your life, who in my life? Right, Ask yourself this who in my life models healthy boundaries that I admire? I'm all about having people in your circle of influence that can help you get to where you want to go. So, if this is an area for you, you want to work on setting boundaries, learning the art of no being a complete sentence, right? Think of people who do that and maybe ask them to mentor you, Ask them to help you, Ask them what do they do to say no? And they'll probably say I just say no. Well, how did you get to that point? Have you ever struggled? Right? So think of someone in your life who models healthy boundaries. What do they do? Watch what they do, Watch how they behave right. So the art of saying no, how setting boundaries can transform your life.
Speaker 1:If you're working toward any behavior change where you're going to have to change your habits, You're going to have to stop doing some things. You're going to have to learn to say no and I'm going to tell you in my life as a whole I'm pretty good at saying no. Now, Right, and it's not. I'm not a jerk about it, I don't have to be rude, but it's just like no. You know what? I looked in my calendar and I got a lot going on this week, so I can't take on one more thing. Thanks for the offer. Maybe next time, right? Hope everyone has a great start to their week and love to all.