Deep Dive with Dr D
Discussions on life and living with Dr D. A man who has risen from the lowest depths of life to the amazing life he has now.
Deep Dive with Dr D
Fatherhood: Showing Up, Screwing Up, and Staying in the Game
"I didn't always get fatherhood right. In fact, for a time I wasn't even in the game, but I'm still here and that counts for something."
The journey through fatherhood rarely comes with clear directions, especially for those of us who grew up without strong paternal role models. In this raw, heartfelt Father's Day episode, I share my own winding path from determined young dad to absent addict to present, accountable father and grandfather.
When my son was born nearly 35 years ago, I promised myself I wouldn't repeat the inconsistent fathering I had experienced. Yet within six months, my marriage ended, and years later, I fell into a destructive period of addiction that pulled me away from my son's life. This episode explores that dark chapter and the turning point that came with recovery in 1996 – when I finally began showing up consistently, taking financial responsibility, and learning what it truly means to father from a place of authenticity rather than perfection.
For fathers who have stumbled, missed years, or damaged relationships, this conversation offers both challenge and hope. Your past mistakes don't have to define your future as a father. Whether your children are young or grown, it's never too late to begin the work of becoming the dad they deserve. The path forward isn't about being perfect – it's about being present, accountable, and willing to lead from your wounds rather than your pride.
Ready to transform your approach to fatherhood? Take that first step today, even if it feels awkward or uncertain. Your children don't need a superhero – they just need your steady hand and open heart. Subscribe now to join our community of parents committed to growth, healing, and showing up even when it's hard.
Find me on other socials here: https://linktr.ee/davidandkatrina
Hi everyone and welcome to the show. This is going to be a Father's Day edition. Fatherhood showing up, screwing up and staying in it, yeah. So Dr D here. Deep Dive with Dr D. Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1:I always do a little shameless plug for my book because it's still fresh. I don't think it's been out 90 days. It is out there. You can get a copy wherever you buy books. If you want the paperback, you can get it locally in Ellensburg at Pearl Street Books, gerald's, and you can get it online, locally through gerald'scom, or you can get it at Amazon, no matter where you are in the world. And if you are a Kindle or an Apple books person, you can do that route through Kindle and Apple books. And if you like this voice, if you want to hear it narrated by yours truly, it is available on Audible. So there you go.
Speaker 1:A lot of what I ramble on about comes from my life experience and I like to say I've lived a pretty full life. I can't get these books mixed up. That is for an individual. Pearl Street Books is out, so these are going to Pearl Street Books, which means I got to sign them, put a little note in them. So there you go, there is my shameless plug for my book Grit Over Shame by yours truly, david A Douglas. It's Father's Day.
Speaker 1:Oh, here's another thing. I'm going to make another change to my podcast. Why? Because I can. I am producer, director, writer, script creator. I do it all. So I think what I'm going to do is start releasing these on Sundays instead of Mondays. I usually record them on Sundays. Why wait till Monday? I'm going to start releasing them as soon as I get them done. I'm going to upload it, boom, and then you're going to have access to my podcast.
Speaker 1:Now, if you're new to this, I have a lot of different topics. Oh, you know what. We're going to answer this call. My son is calling right now. It's father's day, so I'm going to answer and let me see if I can get him on the podcast here. Hold on one second here, okay, hi, son. Son, you are. You are on my podcast.
Speaker 1:Oh, did you find your, your fob? I found my fob. I didn't touch it, I know, I know I I doubted it, but I found it. It was in my glass drawer, my glasses and sunglasses. Yep, why would you put it there? I have no, no idea. I don't know. I think I might have just fell in there, but that seems odd, so I don't know. Yeah, you're on my podcast and I was actually just talking with your, your stepmom, about I need to start having guests. I told you that from the fucking beginning. Oh, okay, okay, I, I know, here, here he goes, I'm. I listen to you too. I've been thinking about it. It's the structure, the setup. I got to get another mic. It's, it's a whole thing. Well, and you've been talking more about your book and yeah, yeah, well, you're first official, unofficial guest on my podcast. Okay, I just woke up from a nap. Hello, there it is. Yep, I found it. Okay, love ya, love you, bye. Well, that was perfect. That is my baby boy, who turns 35 next month.
Speaker 1:I am a father and I'm a grandfather and I'm a husband. I has been being a father to my son. That has transitioned for me since 2010, when I became a grandfather. My oldest grandson is 14 and my youngest grandson is nine, and so my role as a father has shifted. Certainly, I'm still a father to my son. We talk just like that, regularly, daily, um, and so I still I'm a father to my son. I, you know, guide him in the ways that I can when I have opportunities. But he's independent, he's an adult. My role now that I really enjoy is being a grandfather and mentoring my grandsons Showing up, oh, okay. So what are we going to talk about tonight? Let me get to the script, so I stay on task here.
Speaker 1:Fatherhood isn't about perfection, it's about presence, accountability. Here we go and learning to lead from your wounds. Ooh, this is good, not your pride, wow. So we're going to do an opener talk about the early days, the fall and the distance for me, uh, the turnaround, what I know now, and the closing challenge and reflection. That's what we're going to do.
Speaker 1:So, uh, this evening, on father's day evening, I'm also live on my tiktok account. If you don't follow us on tiktok, you might want to. It's pretty fun. Uh, it's just us. I always just say it's just us being us, the douglas world. At the douglas world, all one word, and you can find us over there. We don't really have a script or schedule over there, we just post stuff. It's it's us, it's daisy, it's johnny. Uh, onyx the cat makes an appearance here and there. It's just kind of our life. So if you want to check me out there, you can.
Speaker 1:I'm on Facebook and Insta at EbergDavid, short for Ellensburg. So E as in echo Berg, b-u-r-g David on Facebook and Insta, and also on LinkedIn, david A Douglas, ellensburg. If you just do that, in fact, my handle over there might be Eberg David too. You can find me on all those accounts. Oh, my YouTube channel. It's just, I'm not much of a YouTuber. I do post my um, uh videos of my podcast, my video cast I don't know what they're called on my YouTube channel. Uh, dr David A Douglas. Uh, you can find me over there and uh, yeah, but I don't, I don't, I'm not much of a YouTuber. Maybe I should be. I don't know, I can't, I can't keep track at all. I do what I can.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's talk about it. Here's a quote for you, a personal reflection. I didn't always get fatherhood right. In fact, for a time I wasn't even in the game, but I'm still here and that counts for something. Yeah, I remember the day my son was born. I remember it was close to 35 years ago. He was born at Good Sam in Puyallup, washington, and I was there, and me and his mom duh his mom were there. We were really at kind of the tail end of our marriage relationship. We would split about six months after Tyler was born and so Tyler never knew us together as a couple. We always co-parented pretty good best we could, given the skills we had along the way. We learned some, we struggled some. She had her own struggles, I had my own struggles and there was a period of time that I still hold remorse for and I think it's okay.
Speaker 1:I still have some guilt Like I've healed and I've moved on and I think it's okay. I still have some guilt Like I've healed and I've moved on. But for the period of time when I was in my dark years I think it's chapter 8 and 9 in my book Yep. 8 is I meet meth and 9 is the darkness continues. It kind of started in 7. I meet another drug. I don't want to say it because they might block my life, but you can see it in my book. It's where the heavy drug use started and there was a period I would say about a year and a half, maybe close to two years, where I was pretty absent from my son's life. You know, when he was born in 1990, I said because I had terrible dads, I had dads of the week. That's also in my book.
Speaker 1:Today I did a writing honoring the one man that actually took a positive, vested interest in my life, johnny Revell. And he cared and he was there and he showed up and he fathered, he did all the good things but then he died, died of cancer at a very young age I think it was 42 or 43. And then mom just went back to doing the things she did. She married my uncle. Yeah, it was weird, uncle dad.
Speaker 1:So my examples along the way as a child of healthy fathers, along the way as a child of healthy fathers I had it once for about a two, three year period it's had a significant positive impact on the father I am today. But you know, if you look at the whole of my youth, I didn't have a lot of positive examples. Um, tom did try. Um, uncle Tom did try. Uncle Dad Tom, he was a good man but I had checked out by that point. So when my son was born Years later I was 23 when he was born I was like I'm going to be a dad To this boy that I helped bring into this world and I did, but I did. But at the time I didn't have a strong skillset in being in a relationship or being a husband. Um, I was a terrible husband, um, and I was not the best dad. I mean, like I was there, I was a provider, but then I wasn't there because I left my wife for another woman. It was, you know, not pretty, um, but I was still kind of showing up for the best part. Um, I was a young father.
Speaker 1:You know, you you hear this said kids, there's no, there's no playbook for being a parent. There are books out there about parenting, but when you go to the hospital and your child comes out and they're healthy and they check you out of the hospital, they don't give you a book and say here's your parenting instruction manual. Nope, it's not there. And so you take what you have learned along the way. You get guidance from those around you, right and, and so for me, that was my mom. I didn't want to do the things my mom had done for us along the way, which is just like dads of the week, and I wanted to be in my son's life. I was 100% committed to doing that from day one. Did I falter? Yeah, I did. And did I avoid? This is one of my script lines, you know.
Speaker 1:Talk about the fear, confusion, maybe even avoidance. I did that. I, you know, I kind of sloughed off. Being a part-time dad allowed for me to do that. Like well, you know, I'm just a part-time dad. That wasn't an acceptable excuse. And then my dark years hit um, my heavy drug use, my criminal behavior and um, I just, you know, I remember seeing my son a couple of times during that period, but it was I, my focus.
Speaker 1:I was a terrible dad. I was a terrible father. I was not showing up, I was not doing the things that I espouse about now that I'm going to talk about in this podcast. You know, if you look at my environment, my childhood, blah, blah, blah, it's like, well, no wonder. But I also believe in change and doing the work you need to do. And here's another quote for you Uh, and this, this is a good one. I was a dad long before I was ready to be a man. Yeah, that is a good one.
Speaker 1:Um, so, you know, I, I had what we can call that season, that period of time of separation. I remember Cindy, oh man, I was staying at a dope house in Tacoma, I don't know six months if it was. That I don't remember, and she wouldn't bring him there, rightly so. And I met her at a park. She would let. She would let me meet her at a park to see my son, um, and it was. You know, I was so preoccupied with the drugs and the behavior that um, I remember that that uh, park visit with my son. It wasn't who I wanted to be, I didn't want to be that father, but that's what I was doing. Um, that's what happens, kids, when you do drugs and when you um fall off the rails. So, yeah, the fall in the distance. Um, it wasn't pretty.
Speaker 1:I was fortunate, um, uh, that, because Cindy was stable enough, you know, cindy had her own stuff. Um, she had a new man in her life that we would find out that was also doing drugs. Um, so my son, in his toddler years he was exposed to um less than great examples of fathers. He, he, rob, was a good guy for a while. Um, I'll never, I'll never forget, uh, when Cindy I don't know if she told me or if I heard Tyler say he was calling him Papa I was like, ooh, oh, wow, this isn't you know what I want it to be. And then I remember, you know, hearing, yeah, he's been doing drugs himself and it's like, oh man. So then Cindy found another guy and it was kind of that same scenario Her, my son's mother's father, bob Jones.
Speaker 1:He was a good man. He was definitely a father figure for me in my teen adult years Along the way, even long after me and Cindy split up. But his, he was an alcoholic, so good man, he taught me some life skills, but it was also that alcoholic behavior, um, that came with it. So my son was exposed to that. That was his grandpa, who he loved and we talked positively about. He's passed long ago now.
Speaker 1:So my son in his early years wasn't getting exposure to the dad that I wanted him to have the exposure to. So I was screwing it up and, like I said, I I still have guilt, some guilt and remorse about that, and I'm okay with that. Why? Because it keeps me moving forward, it keeps me from going back. I've done the work, I've done the healing, I've made my apologies. I'm a good dad now but I still, you know, have some of that regret for that period of life for my son where I wasn't the dad he needed. So this is, you know, mid-90s and that was, you know, what I call my dark period. Another quote for you my fatherhood haunted me more than it humbled me until I let it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, finding a life in recovery in 1996. Uh, this is one of the immediate, immediate areas of work that I was able to have a positive effect in is getting back to being the father that my son deserved. Um, and it was. Uh, it was. It was. There were struggles, um, cause Cindy, my son's mother, was still with um, um, not Rob, I can't think of his name. If my son's on this live he'll, he'll say it. But uh, he was a good guy, but a lot of drug use and dysfunction. So there were struggles, but I, I, my son biological father, was able to show up for him and I did in big ways. So, finding the life and recovery, getting into counseling, starting to do my own healing, like the almost immediate result. The immediate result is I was able to be a father to my son. You know, part-time dad, sure, but it was for sure, consistent. Almost immediate result. The immediate result is I was able to be a father to my son. You know, part-time dad, sure, but it was for sure, consistent. I was also, I remember volunteering at a school, um, you know, going to all the things he was in in uh uh uh, T-ball and and whatever little things he was doing. I was there, I was showing up.
Speaker 1:Also, I talk about this for dad dads I was being responsible, responsible financially, child support when I, when I came to in the mid nineties and found a life and recovery, I was over $13,000 in arrears and child support and for my dads out there, you know, you know, even when you start paying, it's like still there, and so I had to start chipping away at that. I had to start being responsible financially to my son and I say this too, I had to stop bitching about it, you know, because I would. I would say well, you know she's not. He comes over and he doesn't have his basic needs. Or you know what? He comes over and he doesn't have his basic needs, or you know what. That my responsibility is to be financially responsible to my son. And so that's what I did. I'll never forget.
Speaker 1:It was a kind of a glorious day, but it made me feel good the day I got my letter from the child support office when my son was 18, that I had paid 100% of my financial responsibility to my son. It wasn't to his mom, it was to his mom to support him because he was living there, but it was to my son. So, yeah, finding a life in recovery, man, it was. You know it's funny doing this talk that was like a powerfully immediate, positive result of finding a life in recovery. I was able to get back to being the dad that I always wanted to be, and even better Because I started going to counseling and learning how to communicate better and learning how to be in a relationship better myself. So I started modeling to my son, just through my own, more healthy behavior about life. Right, that was a beautiful thing, um, so, yeah, that the turnaround was good. Um, spending time with my son. I remember just a lot of, a lot of good things about that period of time.
Speaker 1:Another quote for you being a good dad started with being a better man. I couldn't teach what I hadn't lived. It's important to note that our kids are always watching. Friends, dads, your kids are always watching, and here's what I say to dads that have a strange relationships with their kids, for whatever reason, they're still watching. I believe in every child's heart and I believe this because of my personal experience. So, and I and I understand there's situations where you you may be like, nope, it's, it's never happening, and I get it. But I believe for a lot of people they're always yearning for a relationship with their dad.
Speaker 1:Like I, I didn't know my real father at all, I'd only heard stories. My mom, the story goes. My mom ran from my biological father when I was six months old, from Alaska because he had gotten in a drunken rage again and put a gun to her head. She left him in the middle of the night, never to be seen again. I never, he, never I, the story goes.
Speaker 1:When I found him, when I was 29, you guys, I sought him out. I didn't have my biological father my whole life. Probably good, I don't know, but it is what it is. And I, I found him because I was always wanting to know right, and I think you know kids that don't have their dads in their lives. They're wanting to know, they want at least to meet them. That's kind of what the base. I wanted to meet this guy guy, the guy that was on my birth certificate and that's really all I knew of him. He's this name on my birth certificate. And the stories the stories weren't pretty at all, but I wanted to know because I had been told that my biological father was someone else my brother's but I didn't look like him. I had this other name on my birth certificate, right? Shit stories.
Speaker 1:So you would think, why would you want to meet him? I don't know. I had a longing to want to know him and I did. I found him and from then until the time he passed, we had a relationship, a friendship. I guess it was never close, but, friends, if you're a dad out there and you can turn this around and you're listening to this, please do, please do the work you need to do on yourself so that you can be the dad that you've always wanted to be.
Speaker 1:So what I know now yeah, being present, being present is more important than being perfect. Yeah, showing up like, come on, kids show up, dads show up. You don't have to be perfect. Certainly you don't don't be abusive. Don't have to be perfect. Certainly you don't be abusive. Don't have toxic behaviors. Do the work you need to do. So that's not in play, but our kids don't expect us to be perfect. What I've learned is they do want us to be there. You don't have to have all the answers. I did a couple posts today on what's your best dad jokes and best dad tips. We kind of have this unspoken expectations that our dads have all the answers. Well, we don't, and it's okay. Right, it's okay to not have all the answers. Apologizing when you're wrong, dads, that's leadership, that's that's being a dad on a different level.
Speaker 1:It wasn't too long ago. There you go. It wasn't too long ago, I don't know if it was last year, the year before. Um, we go out to this pumpkin patch. Uh, every fall we have traditions now in our family, in our little family, with my one son and grandsons, and, um, they're pretty cool. But here you go, here's I. I decided, cause me and my son were in some conflict about something, cause conflict is normal. That's normal, it's going to happen. You're not always going to agree, but I decided my best decision-making was to try to address this conflict at a pumpkin patch, in a corn maze. Hmm, good job, dad, right, and I had to own that. That was not a good decision and I had to apologize. And I've done that along the way, Right, showing you don't have to be perfect dad, showing that you're human.
Speaker 1:I think our kids, our kids, tend to do this, put us on these pedestals, right, but I think the more that we show them we're human, the more that we create adults who are able to be human themselves. Yeah, the tough guy thing. I think it's garbage. You know, toughen up and you know, don't have feelings and just keep pushing forward. I'm not. I'm not the dad that's about. I'm creating lions, not sheep like. Okay, I want my son and my grandsons to be independent and to be strong, of course, and be able to be great in the world, but I don't want you to freaking, be a bulldozer through the world. No, that that's. That's not what I want. That's not the humans I want to mentor into the world, especially as a father.
Speaker 1:Um, so your story I got. I got, uh, one more side, my closings coming up, you guys. I got a couple more topics and then I'm going to do a closing challenge your story for my friends who have not been great fathers along the way. I'm one right your story can be fuel. It doesn't have to be shame, it doesn't have to be regret. Here's my suggestion to my dads If you happen to listen to this on this father's day on Sunday evening, almost night, when I'm going to push this out is you can make a decision, starting right now.
Speaker 1:Right now, to do the work you need to do to be a better human and then to be a better dad, like man. Imagine a world where you have rekindled that relationship with your child. Imagine a world where you like this is part of mine and my son's story Imagine a world where you can have a conversation with your child and figure things out Right with your child and figure things out right and and not not talk to each other for days or years or I don't know your story. Whatever it is right. Use. Use your story as fuel. Stop, put the bat down. I'm giving you permission to put the bat down. What are you talking about? Bat, that invisible bat that you keep hitting yourself in the head with. I'm not good enough, I'm not father enough, I'm not there enough. Well, put it, put it down and and start turning around. Use it as fuel for change. You can turn this around if this guy can, my me and my son.
Speaker 1:There was a time period, friends, where we couldn't be on the phone or be in each other's presence for more than two minutes without it turning into a pissing match, and one of us. You know blah, blah, you know the story. No, that's, we have some conflict here and there, but it's not even close, even close to what it used to be. You can turn this around and here we go.
Speaker 1:I say this, I say this to young parents now who have kids in the home, because I'm I'm a realist and fatherhood doesn't end at 18. Sorry, it doesn't. It changes, it evolves, for sure, but it doesn't end at 18. I think it becomes. For me, it becomes more of a I don't know if I call it higher level mentorship role. And especially when your child has kids and you become a grandfather, then it really changes, right, I love. I just sent a message back to someone who sent me a happy father's day message and they said to me, they said that they see me as a father and a grandfather and they, they can really tell I enjoy doing those things and I do, I do.
Speaker 1:And the the cool thing about when your kids become adults, um, and they become independent, that relationship changes. And then when they have kids, right, that relationship is a whole different relationship, like I'm and I'm actually a very involved grandfather. Like my son lives 0.7 miles away. We see Tyler and Anthony and the Lark, when he's up here on a regular basis. We talk to him on a regular basis and I've actually, you know, had to step back. You're the grandfather, you're not the parent, right, let him be the dad, but it doesn't stop when they're 18. And those that are listening to this who have adult children you know it just changes. It evolves. You know, and what it's going to look like for you might be different based on proximity. You know how far away they move, what you've taught them along the way, how independent of a human you've created or not created, it evolves, it changes.
Speaker 1:So let's close this up. I've got another quote for you. If you're a father and you feel like you've blown it, I'm living proof that it's not too late. I'm living proof that it's not too late. The door may not be wide open, but if there's a crack, walk through it. I'll say this Don't walk through that crack in the door until you start really doing some work on yourself. And you don't have to be perfect. Remember this. You do not have to be perfect. And you don't have to be perfect. Remember this. You do not have to be perfect. But I had to start doing the work on David so that I could be a better father to my son. There's hope.
Speaker 1:I sent a text message to a group of students that we've had in our home throughout the year for dinners, and I think think half of them graduated. And and what I said to them, um, is, go out in the world and lift people up and out. I'm actually going to read it because I think it's pretty good and I actually just thought of it as I was typing it to the students here. It is Go out and lift others up and out, up into spaces and places where they can thrive, out of spaces and places where they may be struggling. Here we go. Always believe in the reality that we have it within us to do amazing things. Never give up hope on those who are struggling with living this thing we call life.
Speaker 1:If you've struggled as a father, you can't tell me you can't do it. You can't you, I won't listen. I mean I'll listen, but I won't listen to you say it's too late. Maybe there's a situation, I don't know, but if there's a crack in the door, if there's some kind of opportunity, boy, I would encourage you to latch on to that. And again, I'm biased in that I have my personal experience, I have my education, blah, blah, blah. Your situation is unique to you, but what I would say if there's an opportunity to make change, man, just start now. Right, start now. Right Start now. So here you go. Call to action.
Speaker 1:Dads If you have a great relationship, you've probably already done this, so this maybe doesn't apply to you, but if you're a dad who has some struggle in your relationship, here's a call Reach out to your kid, even if it's going to be awkward, if you know that there's a crack in that door. And, like Dave said, yeah, you can call me, just try, right, this is kind of an off topic. But communication communicate often with the people in your world. Right, if you communicate often with someone, the chances that when you have conflict won't be this big mountain thing are less than if you just call them once every three months. Right, here you go. So give them a call, open the door, make the move. Dad, you're the dad. Make the move and start where you are. It Makes me think of radical acceptance.
Speaker 1:I love the term radical acceptance. Start where you are, put the bat down. Put the bat down and start where you are. What better place? And then here's the work. And then here's the work Be consistent, ready Even when it hurts, even when it's hard.
Speaker 1:Hmm, I've got some chills. I get a little emotional sometimes. I remember this was when I was in recovery and it was really hard with Cindy and the, the man she was with and I was. You know, when you find a life in recovery and then you really clearly see the damage that addiction does, and she was having that in her life and it was really hard, my friends, and it was really hard, my friends. I had a moment where I said maybe I should. Just I don't know if I've ever said this to my son and if he's watching this, maybe I have. Maybe it would just be easier if I walked away. I didn't, I kept in his life, I stayed in his life and I hope you don't have that. But there's going to be tough spots, my friends.
Speaker 1:Parenting is not easy and if you've had struggles, it's going to be a road right. It's going to have bumps and curves, but I'm going to tell you it's worth it. It's worth it because I record these in my home office and I can look out here to this backyard where today, father's Day, I had my son and one of my grandsons and my father-in-law, and we all sat in the backyard and enjoyed some lunch together. Oh yeah, that's the gold friends. I got a card from my son that has meaningful words in it. He even made sure to get a cool thing, because he knows I like little mementos that I can put on my wall unit and happy Father's Day day. Here we go, we're going to close this up. Happy father's day.
Speaker 1:You are the example. You have always been a constant present, supporting and always willing to provide guidance. Love you, dad tyler. A constant present, supporting and always willing to provide guidance. Love you, dad Tyler. That makes all the hard days worth it, friends. It makes all the bumps in the road and the curves and the struggles worth it. So reach out, even if it's awkward. Start where you are, start. You don't have to be perfect. Remember at the beginning you don't have to be perfect, but you do need to be consistent. You do need to be consistent. So if you start, commit to keep starting right. And last quote and that'll be it. I'm going to upload this and get this out to the world right now. Your kids, they don't need a superhero, they just need a steady hand and an open heart. Love to all.