The Peaceful Mompreneur
Encouraging and equipping Christian Mompreneurs to have peace in their lives and business while staying grounded in Jesus Christ.
The Peaceful Mompreneur
Beyond Perfect Parenting
Imagine transforming your relationship with your children overnight, simply by shifting your perspective on their "misbehavior." In this eye-opening conversation with three-time TEDx speaker Katherine Sellery, founder of the Conscious Parenting Revolution, we explore how our expectations of perfection sabotage the very connections we hope to build.
Katherine reveals a powerful reframe: What if we viewed behavioral challenges just like spelling mistakes, not as defiance but as developmental learning opportunities? When a child misspells a word, we don't punish them; we teach them. Yet with emotional regulation and behavior, many parents expect mastery from children still developing these complex skills.
Through vivid examples and practical techniques like the "magic eight" exercise for emotional regulation, Katherine demonstrates how moving from punishment to guidance eliminates the toxic cycle of retaliation, rebellion, and resistance that accounts for 75% of behavioral disruptions in families. She challenges the dangerous emphasis on obedience and compliance, instead advocating for teaching consideration, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence.
Most powerfully, Katherine helps us understand that children are whole people from birth—not empty vessels to fill but teachers who trigger our own growth opportunities. When your child says "no" to your request, they're saying "yes" to something internally important. This shift in understanding transforms power struggles into collaborative problem-solving.
Whether you're struggling with a defiant toddler or seeking a deeper connection with your teen, this conversation offers transformative tools for building trust through conscious communication.
Download Katherine's free Amazon bestselling book "Seven Strategies to Keep Your Relationship with Your Kids from Hitting the Boiling Point" at freeparentingbook.com and begin your own parenting revolution today.
https://consciousparentingrevolution.com/
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Hello everyone, welcome back to the Peaceful Mompreneur. I'm excited to introduce my guest, catherine Sellery. She is a three-time TEDx speaker, founder of the Conscious Parenting Revolution and a trusted voice for parents, educators and leaders seeking to create more connected, respectful and empowered relationships at home and in the workplace. With over two decades of experience teaching the tools that build trust and dismantle power struggles, catherine is here to shift the conversation around how we communicate, lead and live. Catherine, thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 2:So great to be here. Thank you so much, I'm delighted.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. Today we are going to be talking all about letting go of perfectionism and building trust in your family and your team. And I know that's a tall order letting go of perfectionists. I am not a perfectionist necessarily, but I know a lot of them and I know how hard that struggle is to be able to let other people in and to let you help them Right. So let's start from the beginning. Why is this important to you and how did you start teaching it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I mean, I was just kind of chuckling there. I mean I guess you could say I'm a recovering perfectionist. I mean, it's so depending on your nature, I guess, depending on the household that you grow up in and the influences around you, we get the message that we have to be perfect, and so I think it's one of the most common problems in society right now. Actually, you know, it underpins, I think, self-esteem issues is that there's this something inside that was told and conditioned to think that mistakes were not okay and that oftentimes, you know, I guess for me one of the distinctions I make when I'm doing my trainings is I help people understand that while someone could make a spelling mistake, it would never occur to you to punish them for that, because our expectation is that they would never know how to spell words. They have to learn, and so that's fine. I mean, if you're having trouble spelling, obviously we need to teach you how to spell, and so there's an expectation around that that gives us a lot of space when people make that mistake.
Speaker 2:But with children and behavior, we seem to have a different expectation. It's not as though we look at that like a spelling mistake. It's as if they should have known, or that they should be masters of their emotional realms and that the developmental expectations could potentially be way off base around what is normal mistaking, if you will and so, therefore, there's an impression that kids get that they shouldn't have been like that. When we adopt rewards and punishments to respond to behavioral mistakes rather than oh, this is just like spelling, there's no reason that they should be perfectionist and have mastered their emotional realm at this age, or often we see it quite late in life, where people are still working to manage those big feelings, but a perfectionist will respond by coming down hard if they don't learn. Though you know, if I don't teach them, they won't learn, and so, as a result, we move into this land of creating an impression that it's not OK to make mistakes.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, that makes perfect sense. So, from that, how do we change the way we think? Right, you're absolutely right, as of at least in America, the only society I've ever lived in. Right, we are very much, you know. We're told like you teach your children this way and I've never even thought about it like as a mistake, like a spelling mistake, right? So how do we change our thought process to be able to understand that they're just not there yet and that we have to. You know, teach them.
Speaker 2:Education is very helpful, and I spent 35 years in Hong Kong and so a lot of my trainings were expat communities. Whether it was the Hong Kong Chinese or other Chinese communities that were living in Hong Kong, whether it's mainland Taiwan and then, of course, pretty much every nationality, it's a very expat community. So what I've learned is that it's not really about nationality that this mindset is so prevalent it exists everywhere that I think all of us, as humanity, have grown up with a system that just needs a reboot. You know, there, historically, is a negative view of children, and the underpinnings of the negative view of children and the underpinnings of the negative view of children we see it in, you know Dickens and a lot of you know the writings is that when children make behavioral mistakes, there is this mindset of they've got to learn, and when children make mistakes that are more developmentally understood, like spelling mistakes, there isn't. So this is a really big point that I like to bring up in my work is that we have this negative mindset around children, that they're out to get us, that they should have known better, and the only way to overcome it is to become conscious of it. That's what we call the conscious parenting revolution is that we can revolutionize our approach to children's behavioral mistakes by becoming aware of the negative bias against children's behavioral mistakes.
Speaker 2:So the idea that children were supposed to be seen and not heard, or they're supposed to behave, they're not supposed to ever have an opinion or a perspective. It's as though we believe children are not entitled to have a standing until maybe a certain age. So I call it ageism and it's the type of ageism that we don't talk a lot about. My daughter knew a lot about it At five. She could say to me, mom, that woman would never have spoken to you like this so she could pick up on adults who had a a demeaning perspective toward children. Like you shouldn't speak up. You're not entitled to have feelings and needs. That's disrespectful for you to have a feeling and a need and not just mirror mine or not're not going to do as you're told. You're supposed to be obedient and compliant. Well, obedience and compliance is not learning.
Speaker 2:Consideration Children and all human beings, I would like to say it would be important to us that they learn to be considerate of other people's feelings and needs, other people's preferences To be able to speak about. Hey, you know, I noticed that you really prefer for things to be done this way, I was wondering if you'd be willing to consider them being done another way. Hard for a child to have that conversation with an adult when the adult looks at the child as that's sass. Do as you're told, don't talk back to me. That's disrespectful. Go to your room. If you've got that tape running in your head that children should just be obedient and compliant and not have perspectives, then unfortunately, children learn that they don't matter and then they get hell bent on becoming perfectionists to be able to matter. Because if I could just be better, if I could just do perfect, I would then be worthy of love and belonging.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, that makes sense. So where would you say that there, like there has to be some sort of balance, right? Like we want your children to learn, there is a place for obedience and there is a place for listening, but also a place for learning how to be a whole person and with emotions and running, like doing that. So what? How does someone balance the two?
Speaker 2:Is there? Well, I think that when we look at children developmentally, as long as our expectations are realistic and this is where I've noticed that people are really not tuned in to what's appropriate for a two-year-old, a three-year-old, a four-year-old, a five-year-old, a six-year-old so this is where developmental charts become really helpful and for us to be able to go yeah, of course, my expectations for my two-year-old are out of line. So there are some guiding principles. If you can't play nicely, you can't play.
Speaker 2:And then, really, I guess you could say what the question then becomes is how do we teach how to play? Is it go to your room? Is it a spanking? Is it a? What is? What is the response to the mistake? I think that's what you're getting at.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so when looking at the response to the mistake, we can look at authoritarian response, which would probably be something like go to your room or you're grounded or whatever, maybe even a naughty corner. I'm not really sure, but a preference to that would be hey, you know, we're going to work on this impulse control and we can't hit other kids and we don't grab. So you come over here and sit with me and let's do something together. We could do a little art project or we could read a book, and when you calm down and you feel like you're able to commend yourself again and play in the group, then you go back and play. So it's not punitive, it's educational, it's supporting and what we call co-regulating. So if you have a little child who's out of regulation and dysregulated in their emotional realm, it who's out of regulation and dysregulated in their emotional realm it's not because they want to be, it's because they don't have the standing internally to be able to regulate their emotions. So we help them, we co-regulate, but we don't punish them for being children, right, we have to understand that. Well, this is child. This is what childhood is about. It's learning how to regulate your emotions. It's recognizing when you're in a group and playing with other kids. We need to know how to play well together and it's not acceptable to not play okay with other kids to hit, to kick, to pull, and so we take them out of a group, sit them down and we say hey, you know we can't play like that and sit with me, let's do something fun together, let's do a little breathing, and there are some exercises that I like to help parents do with their little ones to get them to get back into command of themselves.
Speaker 2:And then it's really helpful to say you know that was really hard for you when you wanted to join the group and they wouldn't let you and you had that big feeling come up if something was not okay about that, because you really wanted to play with them too. There's always a story behind it. You really wanted to play with that toy. It made you so mad when the person who owned it, didn't want to share it. And it's really hard to accept the fact that people have agency over whether they want to share their toys or not. And as hard as that might be for us when we really want to do what we want to do, when somebody else whose toy it is decides that they want to play with it, it's really hard to be okay with their no, isn't it? Sometimes no's are hard to deal with, so we make them into teachable moments and we support them with the big feelings that are coming up. How could you be with that feeling in a different way? So we start to educate them about emotional resiliency, overcoming big feelings, conflict resolution, collaborative problem solving. There are millions of skill deficits that your two-year-old has, your three-year-old, your four-year-old. So we start to support them with that and so that they can learn the skills.
Speaker 2:But obedience and compliance is dangerous. I mean the last thing we want to do is teach obedience and compliance. We want to teach consideration, conflict resolution, collaboration, problem solving, assertiveness. I mean millions of skills other than obedience and compliance. That's the most dangerous thing you could teach anyone between who to be obedient to. Anyone in power will become someone that they feel they have to kowtow to, and we don't want them kowtowing to people with dangerous intentions the most. I mean. The largest study on child sexual abuse proves this without question no, okay, yeah, um, so I like what you're saying.
Speaker 1:I've been reading recently about like, when you're given the example of like sitting down with the child like I have a two-year-old, so that's usually what I'm thinking about. Right, and so in like talk, when he has any kind of feelings, big feelings, instead of telling him he's okay or it's not a big deal or any of those things, letting him know that I understand, like I hear him, like he's allowed to have those feelings, right, like I know you wanted to play with it, I know you wanted to do that, I know you wanted to do these things.
Speaker 1:It is amazing how much just telling them that I understand, that he wants to do something totally I mean, I'm not letting him do it like we can't do those things right now, you know no, I don't have to raise children who are inconsiderate, and we need to guide them.
Speaker 2:This is why my training is called the guidance approach.
Speaker 1:Okay, so can you talk a little bit more about that Like? So in your training you talk about you have tools and things that you teach. Can you give us some examples of things like more so than you've already done, that we could use?
Speaker 2:practically Sure, absolutely so, depending on the age of the child. We're, you know, if we're talking about a two year old, I mean, they're just. You know, they're just. They just got their little learning wheels on right, they're just going out there and they're gonna have big feelings about a lot of stuff, probably every no they ever hear. They're going to have a big feeling around, but I like what you said and it's certainly in the toolbox is to be able to reflect back to them.
Speaker 2:You know it's really disappointing when you want something so much and you can't have it. That's so hard I get why you're having such a big feeling around that. You know. Would you like to breathe through with me? Right, so we can do a breathe through. One of the things that I do is we call it the magic eight, and I don't sure if you're going to be showing the recording or just the. You will, okay, so it's really.
Speaker 2:You know, people can do this with me. You just take your fingers and put them in the middle of your forehead, above your nose, and then you just make an eight around your eyes. You can go in whichever direction you want and you can play around with how soft or how much pressure, and you can also change the direction. And as you're doing that, what you're actually doing is you're breaking through that left and right brain and bringing them together and you'll find that you actually naturally take a breath and so you're really supporting your entire nervous system, which is what happens right when kids get the big feelings. What they're doing is they're in their frontal lobes and we need them to take a deep breath and to be able to relax and get out of the amygdala and to be able to, you know, recover. And so once they're recovered, that's when you can say to them you know, if you want to go back and try again, go back and try again.
Speaker 2:And here's an opportunity for you to, depending on how verbal or not verbal they are, what you're basically helping them do, by reflecting back to them how disappointing it is, is you're giving them the vocabulary to be able to know that that word matched that feeling inside of disappointment. And you know that's a pretty long, big word, but you might start to hear your little guy go. I'm disappointed, because there's something called name it to tame it. So the more that we have the words to name the experience that we're having internally, the more it feels acknowledged, seen and heard and understood by me, the one voicing it. If I don't have those words and pre-verbal kids get really upset and verbal kids with limited vocabularies get really upset. Part of upsetness and the road to recovery is having the words to name it. So mad, sad, I mean.
Speaker 2:We start with the simple one. You know disappointed is kind of big, so you could just be in the mad sad land initially and getting to that point where I can begin to have conversations with my child. We don't look at the moment when they're upset as a teachable moment. So we don't teach when kids are crying and we don't teach. You know that's not when you lecture and you know try to teach them the value of sharing. We wait until they've recovered or we use the moments when everything is fine as our moments for sharing ideas and topics that we want to instill in them the values that we think are important around, potentially something like sharing.
Speaker 2:You know, and everybody has a different viewpoint on sharing. My perspective is that children get to choose what toys they want to share, just like I get to choose if I'm going to share my jewelry and clothing and car and all of the things that belong to me. They also have some agency around choosing it. So not everybody sees it that way. They believe that you have to create forced compliance and make people learn this value where actually the value is instilled internally and the research shows that when you allow children to have that agency, eventually there comes within just like kids will learn how to read and write and walk and all the rest of it there is an internal impulse toward the joy of sharing and if it comes at the right time, then it's not just something that's socially prescribed, it's actually heartfelt.
Speaker 2:The difference is really quite radical. To allow that to emerge but to force it, you're going to probably end up in the land of retaliation, rebellion and resistance. So one of the reasons that we don't want to go into the land of obedience and compliance, in the land of rewards and punishments, is that it activates the three R's. So Dr Thomas Gordon if you know of him or not, he was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize three times on his research around activating retaliation, rebellion and resistance by using power over and compliance-based parenting approaches. So what happens is you have one problem and then you come down hard on it. Let's say that you want your child to clean up the table, and so you ask them to put their dishes away, and they completely ignore you and so you're like, all right, right, maybe you go into the one, two, three magic land.
Speaker 2:So you you know, all right, one, two, if you don't do this, you know. And then you start your threats and so you go into that territory. Well, what's going to happen is that, say, you come down hard, all right, that's it Fine. Go to your room. So they run up the stairs I hate mommy and they slam the door. So now you've activated what we call the secondary problem by how you handle the primary issue. So retaliation, rebellion and resistance account for 75 percent of behavioral disruptions.
Speaker 1:OK, yeah, I can see that and, like I said, like we only have a two year old, but I can definitely see that already, right, sure, so if we can just like do it in a different way and like figure something out, we it's always better, right? And and I think, oh, I don't know, I'm not like obviously not a parenting expert. You know a lot of stuff, but like I have found that most of the problems are my problem he's two I can't expect my two-year-old to be able to handle everything right, and so if we're, if things are escalating, it's because I escalated them, and so that we just have to, you know, work through whatever issues that we got going on, right so thankful.
Speaker 2:But, yeah, you're absolutely right, it is so much about I have a problem because my expectations of my two-year-old are way off base. Yeah, and that's my mind and my thoughts about the situation that are actually activating my own emotional response. I triggered myself, right, yeah, I wasn't triggered by anything outside of me. He's doing two perfectly right, yeah, too. Perfectly Right, yeah, absolutely perfectly. He's doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing growing and developing and acting out and having big feelings. And you know, he's the beginning of the road. I'm the one who's impatient or has expectations that this shouldn't be happening. Yep.
Speaker 1:That's exactly right, yeah, and so I really liked what you said earlier too, about how helping them with their vocabulary so that they can explain things better to you, make everybody's life easier, your life better, their life better, and we all want to be heard, right? No matter what age you are. We want to. We want people to know how we feel, especially if we're feeling bad, and so I think I feel like I got this revelation, or whatever, from Charlotte Mason. You know what I'm talking about. She was an educator in the 1800s and she talks about how whole people.
Speaker 1:It's big in the homeschool movement. They're whole people as they were born, like when they were born. They're not becoming people. They're not vessels to be filled. They are people. And so she came at such a time where people were definitely looking down on children and she had a completely different outlook on them and I just love her philosophy. It's beautiful. I don't know that much about it.
Speaker 1:Maybe she said something crazy at some point, but for the most part, I really like her, and so what you're saying reminds me in part of what she talks about, so I really appreciate that.
Speaker 2:Well, actually I talk about the same thing. I mean, they are whole people. I look at them actually as our teachers.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean our children come to us and they're they're. The example I use is they really are Yoda. They really are Yoda and they're here to give us an opportunity to have empathy, compassion, understanding, to be able to see them as these rich teachers that they are, because they will bring everything up Our past. I call it transgenerational trauma. Whatever the trauma was in your family lineage about being seen and not heard, and I mean everything will be triggered by your children.
Speaker 2:And every time, if you're somebody who thinks that other people make you feel, if you blame your feelings on other people and aren't responsible for the feelings that arise, then you're going to say they made you feel that way and then you're going to make them responsible for your feelings and therefore they need to be punished on account of how they made you feel. But of course, it's all a lie. Nobody made you feel that way. There's nothing outside of you that is responsible or has the power to be in control of my feelings, but they do trigger us. They activate things, as does the rest of the world. So if we've confused having someone catalyze an experience that I'm having as if they caused it, then we move down the road of victim-led consciousness, and kids often end up in that land.
Speaker 1:Yeah, on this podcast we talk a lot about radical ownership and radical surrender, and so we have to own the things that are ours and not be responsible for things outside of us, and I feel like that's a lot of what you're talking about. No one makes us feel a way away and we can't make other people feel another way, right? So we own ours and we let them have theirs, and you know we work together and figure things out, but that's a big thing exactly totally in alignment with you on that, and so one of my teachers was Marshall Rosenberg.
Speaker 2:Are you familiar with Marshall? No, the founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication and the father of restorative justice in America's prison system. He's passed away, but I was fortunate enough to train with him. He's a very powerful influence around NBC.
Speaker 2:So nonviolent communication and understanding emotional development.
Speaker 2:So he would say emotional development stage one was slavery, where you feel that someone else is responsible for your feelings and needs, and so you are enslaving them right to take care of your feelings and needs, or you might be the one enslaving someone else and duping them into believing that they're responsible for how you feel, and often children get enslaved in that way and made to believe that they make mommy happy, that they make mommy sad, as if anyone has the power to make mommy happy or sad, and so it is emotional and obviously abusive to put that on any human being.
Speaker 2:So he talks about emotional slavery as stage one, and then he talks about emotional obnoxiousness being the next stage, where we become obnoxious, once we realize that we've fallen prey to this, and so we say things like you know, well, that's, don't put that on me, you know, I have nothing to do with that. You know, that's all about you. And he said. Then we finally moved to emotional liberation, which is I'm not responsible for how you feel, but I care about you. I see you're having some really big feelings right now. So, you know, whenever you want to talk about it, let's sit down and talk, because how you're feeling, although I'm not responsible for it, I care about you, and if you're having a hard time, I care about that too.
Speaker 1:So those are the three stages, and I think the liberation stage is when we get to be with each other and be responsible for our own feelings and needs and yet be able to demonstrate the caring yeah, absolutely, and I feel like I would imagine that's where we really want to be as parents, right Liberated from them, like letting them control our not letting they're not controlling our emotions, but letting them dictate how we feel because we've allowed them to. But caring about them and being able to stay stable, Right, that's what we want.
Speaker 2:That is totally good, yeah, no, that's exactly where we want to go and it's no-transcript In general, struggling with this idea of separation and individuation. So my work really acknowledges that separation and individuation is often not allowed in families. Children are not allowed to separate and have an individuated experience from the caretaker because you know, I said X, you're supposed to do X, but this person has a response to it that is obviously that they're not on board with X, and so when that happens, it's like okay, I mean, I get that, you're having your own experience. And so I like to say when they say no to you, what are they saying yes to internally? Okay.
Speaker 2:So, okay, what is your child saying yes to internally? What's going on for? What is your child saying yes to internally? What's going on for them? Well, I don't want to get up and leave the table. Going back to my original example, you know you want me to clean up the dishes and put everything away, but I'm not done yet and I'm having a really good time here. And you know, I know you want to set the table and have me clear everything off, but, but I, I'm still really enjoying what I'm doing. Oh, I get it.
Speaker 2:So then you have to reframe internally in your own head of this isn't sass? It's not acting out, it's not talking back, it's not being disrespectful. You can remove all the judgment and you can recognize that, okay, they're having trouble doing my directive and also staying connected to what was going on inside of them. So now at least I understand that this is about. How do I integrate the outer voice with my inner sense of things? So then you have a different conversation around, all right, well, I see that you're having a really good time and I get that. You know you'd like to keep everything just the way it is.
Speaker 2:I got a problem, though. It's time for dinner and I need to set the table. What can we do about this? And that may result in a variety of different outcomes, because they may have ideas. Well, can't we eat, you know, outside on the porch? Or maybe we could eat over here, you know? And it's like that's an idea, never even thought about that and I get to decide am I okay with that or not okay with that? But at least it gives me something to take into consideration yeah, absolutely so.
Speaker 1:Um, let's talk about that example a little bit more, right, so that that child seems like they're a little bit older, right? If you have four or five or five, yeah, yeah, I could see that. So what would you do if the situation was even younger, right? So my, let's say, two year old, three year old, they just are like no man, I'm not cleaning this up. Like they're not. They're not to a point, as far as I can tell, they're not having a conversation like that with you. And so how do you acknowledge the fact that they have feelings and they don't want to clean up, but still like they're?
Speaker 2:not going to get me done. Just suggest to go outside. So what I would do is I would say I get it. Cleaning up is such so boring and it's so much more fun to go out there and I really want you to go out there too and play on the swings. However, let's figure out how can we can do this, and usually what it comes down to is let let me do it with you. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, and so it really is about modeling the behavior that you want to see, helping them along by doing it collaboratively yeah, as opposed to making you know a punishment out of bad behavior or whatever. So, yeah, I mean that would really be you. You know, building and developing good habits. Part of that good habit is cleaning up after yourself, yeah, right, and we know.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you read Charles Duhigg's book on, you know the power of habit, but he really deep dives into habits and what's required to build habits. And the joy of building really good habits is that it, once it's a habit, you don't think about it anymore, it doesn't take any energy, it's just like. This is what I do. So you can do that with all of those things that you want your kids to develop good habits. Be willing to do it with them, show them exactly what to do, work with them to do. Eventually, as they grow up, they get so used to doing it that they just start to do it themselves and you will wake up and go oh my God, they just did it.
Speaker 2:I didn't have to say a word. So part of the guidance approach is what we call self-started behavioral change. So do I want to have externally started behavioral change or self-started behavioral change? Do I want children to be self-motivated or do I believe in external motivation? We live in a society that's based in rewards and punishments, which is based in the idea that you change people's behavior by what you do to them, rather than creating the circumstances to support them to want to do the right thing. So self motivation is when they choose to pick up the toys because that's what they want to do or it's become a habit. They get up out of bed. They make the bed because that's become a habit. They get up out of bed. They make the bed because that's become a habit. They get up and brush their teeth that's the habit. They pack their bag. There are so many of these things that can just become good habits.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and I teach that a lot. It's about creating rhythm, routines, and so you're not always thinking about it and your kids already know right. So we do this after already know right. So we do this after we do this, we do this after we do that. So nobody is like fighting. There's no fighting about brushing your teeth. We just go brush our teeth after breakfast and so, um, that's been very, very helpful for us.
Speaker 1:Um and so oh yeah and I like that thing, the things you're talking about, about the habits, like they don't have to be a struggle because you started them.
Speaker 2:And I mean initially you're doing it with them, yeah, and as long as you're there, chances are, they're fine. I mean you know they'll start doing what you're doing and then they go out and play, yeah, and it's just not a big hullabaloo because they develop the habit.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, absolutely no-transcript give her yeah, I mean 75 of 75 of behavioral disruptions are retaliation, rebellion and resistance. So that's whenever anyone comes to me, the first thing I always lean into is am I hearing one of the R's? And of course, if it's 75% of the time that the behavioral disruption and the breakdowns have to do with the three R's, then one of the R's is probably present, if not all of them. I mean I have people say to me all the time oh God, I've got all three, so you've got the retaliation, the rebellion, the resistance. So that's actually.
Speaker 2:I mean we don't want it, but it's the easiest thing to change.
Speaker 2:You can eliminate all of that by moving to a guidance approach. That's all you have to do is stop doing rewards and punishments and instead, when you have the behavioral disruptions that you need to address, you address them from a guidance approach, which is the things that we've been talking about Leaning in seeing a no to you as a yes to something inside of themselves, perceiving the resistance as not disrespectful or punishable offenses, but that there's something going on internally that they have their heart set on and they're having a hard time figuring out how to do that. And this outer voices thing. I mean we didn't go. We don't have enough time to talk about the difference between request language, demand language. I mean, there are so many pieces to this. I have a whole model around, you know, peeling the onion in terms of looking at any one disruptive behavior and kind of going through to assess it. So there could be other things happening aside from just the three R's, but most of the time it's the three R's and we're looking at skills deficits, just building skills.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's wonderful. So where can people find you, catherine?
Speaker 2:Conscious Parenting Revolution is the website and if they want to go to freeparentingbookcom, my Amazon bestseller, seven strategies to keep your relationship with your kids from hitting the boiling point.
Speaker 1:I give that away so they can go grab that perfect, okay, and so both of those links will be in the description of this video. And, um, katherine, thank you so much for being here with us.
Speaker 2:This was lovely, so nice to meet you, and I feel we're really aligned. I think so. Yeah, I really appreciate that. Yeah, thank you for your work. Thank you so much, thank you.