Episode 12: Kim Muench - Lost in Place

When 400 parents showed up to her first class, Kim Muench knew immediately: "It's a pain point."

In this deeply personal episode, certified parent coach Kim Muench opens up about the crisis unfolding in homes across America: adult children stuck at home, consumed by screens, unable to launch into independent life. Screen addiction is the one common denominator across ALL of Kim's clients—young men (primarily) and women ages 19-29 who are directionless, glued to gaming or social media, living at home with no clear path forward.

But here's what makes this conversation different—this isn't just professional observation. Quinn reveals her own struggle with her 23-year-old daughter Avery, who lives at home, works and pays rent, but is battling depression and screen addiction. Six months ago, they created a contract together: responsibilities, goals, rent that increases $100 every three months. It's a process.

This is the episode where professional boundaries dissolve and we're all just parents trying to figure out how to help the young adults we love. Naila contemplates screen time choices for her 18-month-old daughter ("she gets irritated if she doesn't get to watch as much as she wants"). And Kim shares the hard truth: sometimes parents have to start with the basics—getting a young person to simply bring their dishes out of their room.

In this episode:

• Why screen addiction affects young men differently than young women (gaming vs. social media)
• The difference between economic barriers and being "lost in place"
• Kim's Four C's for parents: Calm, Confident, Clear, Consistent
• What parents actually control (and what they don't)
• Family living agreements: how to create them WITH your young adult, not FOR them
• The three things parents control: how you show up, what you provide, how you respond
• Why some parents are working with 45-year-olds still at home—and how to avoid that
• The parenting paradigm shift happening right now
• What happens to this generation by 2040?

Powerful quotes:

• "Our children come through us, not for us, except for the lessons they reflect to us during their journey in an effort to grow us up along the way."
• "I did not sign up for this—if you decided not to go to college and you're not working full time and I'm still paying for everything in your life."
• "Parents think they're past the work and that's not the case."

Kim's upcoming book, Lost in Place (November 2026), will be the comprehensive guide for parents who feel alone in this struggle. This conversation is a preview of that hope—and a reminder that you're not the only one facing this.

Guest: Kim Muench, Certified Parent Coach, Dallas, Texas
Website: reallifeparentguide.com
Social: @kimmunchparentcoach (Instagram & TikTok)

Topics: Failure to launch, lost in place, screen addiction, emerging adults, parenting challenges, mental health, gaming addiction, Gen Z struggles, family living agreements

Transcript

Quinn (00:02.049)
Welcome to Now, Mirror, and the Future with Nyla Mirror and Quinn Harrington. A podcast that's part crystal ball, part microscope, and part rocket ship.

Quinn (00:27.95)
Back to Now, the Future. I'm Quinn Harrington.

Naila Mir (00:30.661)
and I'm Naila Mir. Today we're talking about something that's happening in homes across America and probably in homes near you on your street.

Quinn (00:41.582)
adult children who won't launch, young men and some women in their 20s who are directionless, glued to screens, and living at home with no clear path forward.

Naila Mir (00:53.149)
and our guest Kim Minch, a certified parent coach based in Dallas, Texas has been working with hundreds of parents facing this exact situation. Kim, when 400 parents show up to your first class on this topic that tells us something doesn't it?

Kim Muench (01:11.788)
It does. It's a pain point is what it tells us.

Naila Mir (01:13.329)
Yeah

Naila Mir (01:17.593)
Mm-hmm.

Quinn (01:19.252)
Awesome. So the now segment is the crisis in our living rooms. Kim, let's start with what you're seeing right now. You work with parents one on one and you said screen addiction is the one common denominator across all your clients. Paint us a picture. What does this actually look like in families today?

Kim Muench (01:42.86)
Well, it is typically families that have more than one child, adult child. It seems to be the other kids are thriving, you know, they've they've checked all the boxes, they're doing amazing. And then there's this one kid that is not moving ahead. And what that means is they may have attempted college and then come home or maybe they took a gap year that's turned into five years. But either way, their days and nights are mixed up. They're

up all night long, sleeping most of the day away. Sometimes they go, they're really vigilant about going to the gym. Sometimes that's not a factor at all. Sometimes they're smoking a lot of weed. Sometimes that's not a factor at all. But I would say generally feeling hopeless, feeling shame. And I think their parents sometimes interpret that as laziness.

But I think there's a lot of shame and again, feeling like what is my purpose? I don't know what there's, it seems like we have so many choices of things that could be done that they are overwhelmed and decide not to do anything. I think that is entirely possible. The cost of moving out of becoming independent, all of these things are weighing on them, especially if

A lot of the families that I work with, I would say are middle class, upper middle class, and that they've had this very comfortable life. And the idea of taking that on themselves is very daunting.

Quinn (03:19.703)
Yes.

Quinn (03:26.072)
totally relate to that. You mentioned this primarily affects young men ages 19 to 29. Why do you think this is hitting men harder than women?

Kim Muench (03:35.946)
That is a really good question and I don't know if I entirely have an answer to that, my thought, because it is true. Can you guys hear that?

Quinn (03:46.382)
What? I didn't hear anything.

Kim Muench (03:50.624)
No, really? Like, how?

Naila Mir (03:52.967)
can hear it.

Quinn (03:54.254)
All right, just take your time.

Kim Muench (03:54.87)
I'm gonna put her away. I'm sorry.

Naila Mir (03:57.201)
No worries, yeah.

Quinn (04:07.787)
Mm-hmm.

Naila Mir (04:10.045)
Aww.

Kim Muench (04:16.363)
OK, my apologies. Now we can hear her. OK, so the question was why young men rather than young women? And I don't have a full answer to that, although I know for sure from looking at my client list and looking at I have a support group for parents that meets twice a week, I would say nine out of 10 of those parents on that call have sons between that age group that you said. So what I am

Naila Mir (04:17.679)
No worries.

Kim Muench (04:45.801)
what I'm thinking, and I'm by the way, the mom of four sons and a daughter between 20 and 38 years of age. So obviously I come at this from both a parent and experience and seeing my kids and their friends and then also all of the work that I do with parents. I think that we have poured into girls and women really well.

over the last couple of decades. And I think we maybe haven't done as well, helping boys also recognize their talents, their emotions. And I think in part, that's part of the problem. The other thing is, well, screen time is definitely a factor in both.

men and women, young men and young women, young women tend to be attracted to the social media and, you know, the comparison and that kind of thing where young men tend to be sucked in more often to gaming. And that is such an avenue through which they can escape and they can gain ground through a game that isn't happening in real life, that it becomes more attractive.

Naila Mir (05:57.969)
Mm-hmm.

Kim Muench (06:11.487)
to spend time in a not real world. So I think gaming has a heavier pull on young men than the social media impact on young women, and there is an impact there.

Naila Mir (06:26.973)
Thank

Quinn (06:27.063)
Yeah, probably online gambling too. I've been noticing a trend where I'm seeing like, know, FanDuel and some of these others are really targeting that age range and trying to, the gamification of gambling has become, I think, a lot more present and I could see how easy it would be for someone who's

into gaming, then moving into things like gambling, which furthers their screen addictions.

Kim Muench (07:02.217)
Yes, that is another thing that I'm a lot from parents more often is sports gambling, gambling in general. So that is an extension of what's happening with young men.

Quinn (07:15.741)
Mm-hmm. What are parents typically doing wrong when they first come to you? What are they doing that's not working?

Kim Muench (07:23.381)
They're trying to parent like their parents did. And that doesn't work. So I'm Gen X and I, for example, in my own upbringing, I became pregnant at the age of 18 and was asked to leave home. So that wasn't even like a thought. was like, you've disappointed us. You need to leave now and figure it out.

Quinn (07:25.633)
Mm-hmm.

Naila Mir (07:26.013)
Hmm.

Kim Muench (07:51.476)
which fortunately I did, but it was an incredibly difficult time in my life. The parents that I work with, well, they want to be, they've tried everything they can think of to get their kid to do what they want them to do. That's not working and they won't. mean, every parent, I don't know any parent that I've ever worked with that would say, you know, at some point we just have to throw him out of the house and he can, he or she can sink or swim. That doesn't happen. They're very clear upfront.

Naila Mir (08:05.693)
Hmm.

Kim Muench (08:20.448)
We will not make this young adult homeless. However, we can't stay here. So it's trying to find the right set of steps to help them from where they are now move forward. Well, you know, understanding that the ultimate consequence, cause we were taught to, we were taught to parent through consequences. If you do this, then there's a consequence very quickly. Parents understand when I am.

You know, when I have a 22, 24, 28 year old living in my house doing absolutely nothing and I'm paying for everything, what's the consequence of that if I will not throw him out? Because that won't happen.

Naila Mir (09:02.098)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Quinn (09:05.291)
Yeah, well, I think I'm gonna learn some things from you today. And for pet owners, we all have them. They will understand what we're dealing with here, so.

Naila Mir (09:09.283)
same. I keep going back to...

Kim Muench (09:14.668)
Sorry.

Naila Mir (09:16.465)
Yeah.

Kim Muench (09:21.004)
you

Naila Mir (09:21.725)
Yeah.

Kim Muench (09:24.47)
I just closed the door, maybe that'll.

Naila Mir (09:25.659)
No, no worries. No, but this is...

Kim Muench (09:27.948)
Of course she never does this.

Quinn (09:30.423)
Well, she's excited. She wants to be on the program too, so...

Kim Muench (09:33.13)
Yeah, maybe that's it.

Naila Mir (09:34.77)
We should. She won't let you talk then, will she? No, but this is such a current topic right now. Everyone in every family, I'm based in the UK and I have nephews. They're 11 and they're 16. They're not 19 and 29, so the age is different, but it's still the same that a parent grows through and how you're dealing with that and coping with that.

Kim Muench (09:39.681)
Ha

Naila Mir (10:01.253)
It didn't Oprah just recently do a podcast on this and it's such a prevalent topic. What has made this such a widespread problem? It's been happening for years.

Kim Muench (10:04.427)
Mmm.

Kim Muench (10:11.903)
There's well, there's three things that I think that have kind of been the perfect storm to bring this together. One is, as we mentioned before, screen time, the amount of screen time. this these young people are the first generation who had access to digital daily use for, you know, whether it was school and or they had phones at whatever age their parent gave them a phone. I certainly have the same experience and have watched this rollout with all five of my kids as well.

but the influence of screens, the influence though also not only of just the screen time, but what's being fed to, we don't know what is being ingested, especially by a 20 something who's at home doom scrolling. There's a lot of very negative information out in the world, a lot of it not true and they're continuing to ingest that and parents don't have any idea what is.

what they're scrolling, what they're reading through, what they're, know, because of course they're 20 some years old and maybe you were looking when they were 12 or 14, but you have literally no idea what is being adjusted by them now. So I think we were told as parents, we were also, what do they call it? Digital natives or pioneering through this first, you know, generation of kids who were having digital daily use where we also did.

Naila Mir (11:15.453)
you

Kim Muench (11:39.948)
And I think that we were told this is, that you got to be careful. You got to be careful the number of hours and what they're seeing and whatnot. But I think we now know, and that would be my one word of caution to every parent who has younger, you know, who's just starting their family or who has younger children. Please heed the, you know, abundant research of how impactful the amount of screen time and the quality of screen time.

your kids are getting. I think it's one of those things that the cat's out of the bag now. can't put it back in. But there's people, fortunately, like Jonathan Haidt, who wrote The Anxious Generation, who are out and really talking about how this has impacted young people now and how we really need to pivot and change, that when we give a phone and all that kind of thing.

So the screen time for sure, second COVID. And I haven't fully figured out yet why this, I know that this group of 18 to say 28 year olds were freshmen in high school through senior in college when we all went into lockdown. I know that because I had a freshman in high school who's now 20 and then a senior in college. So this is the group that I, of parents that I work with.

And so many of them were socially adept and socially connected and whatnot before lockdown. I don't know what happened, why it happened to some rather than others, but some young people just have not recovered socially from being in lockdown. So that's the second thing. Third thing, and this has gone on for generations, and that is the...

unhealthy coping mechanisms that young people tend to go to, whether it's alcohol or weed or some other drug, ways to escape the bigness of growing up. This is a huge step. It's also one of the loneliest decades, according to Meg Jay, who wrote The Defining Decade. It is one of the most

Quinn (13:47.915)
Right.

Kim Muench (13:58.656)
lonely decades for young people because some of them take a gap year, some of them go on to college, but they spread out. They're spreading out where they were in the same group for the most part of kids as they were going through elementary, middle, high school. And they're all in kind of the same expectations and they have the same day, the day-to-day look. And then after that, things change for a lot of them and a lot of them make very different choices. So their friend group, their peers,

may not be, you know, it's like a whole new chapter for them to try and figure out who am I, where do I fit in, what's my community, you know, it's challenging.

Quinn (14:40.748)
Indeed. Well, this has been a very heavy, heavy topic so far. Let's lighten it up a little bit and go around the room. Around the room.

Naila Mir (14:53.412)
Okay, we need to breathe.

Quinn (14:57.79)
And Naila, you want to take the segment?

Naila Mir (14:59.998)
Sure. So what we do here, Kim, is we just go around the room, we ask what you've been up to, which has nothing to do with screen time. So other than that, what's been in our day or week that's keeping us busy? Quinn, do you want to go first?

Quinn (15:19.19)
Sure, I've been working with Flagler College on developing a graphic design reality show, speaking of screen time. And apparently I need to add TV producer to my CV. Our producer's been a TV producer, so why not me?

Naila Mir (15:41.574)
Is that what a graphic designer reality show like Project Runway?

Quinn (15:45.805)
Kind of, but instead of make it work, it's more like make it render before the client meeting. We're working with the college's design program to create something that's part competition, part educational, and hopefully entirely entertaining.

Naila Mir (15:51.749)
Ahahaha

Naila Mir (16:02.622)
Who are you casting though? Is it professionals, young people who need to get away from screen time?

Quinn (16:10.028)
So the idea is that we would take the graduating class that's about to graduate in the fall and we'll spread out the series over the course of the 16 weeks and we'll have competitions every two weeks. But the part that's most exciting about this show is it's not the excitement of a competition. It's also watching them learn and grow over the course of that last four months before they

graduate and get into the real world. So, and there'll be a cash reward, like a graphic design celebrity host. So all we need is about $500,000 to as a sponsor to get that off the ground. So Adobe or, know, AIGA, if you're listening, you know, we could use the money.

Naila Mir (17:04.508)
Well, if I can help you in it, me, you know what, you know I had a baby and she's nearly eight, wait, she's 18 months next week and she's teething again. I think this is her 12th. She started teething at three and a half months. So she is having another two coming out, no idea where they are right now. So she's keeping me busy. So she's got a huge attitude.

Quinn (17:05.398)
What about you, Nyla?

Quinn (17:09.418)
Yes.

Quinn (17:19.308)
OK.

Quinn (17:28.321)
Yeah.

Naila Mir (17:28.922)
she sings and dance and obviously everyone when I say my god Isa has attitude they say yeah guess who that comes from if she has anger issues guess who that comes from exactly

Quinn (17:35.66)
Mmm.

Her father, obviously.

Quinn (17:43.308)
Well, at least you know she won't be afraid to launch when she turns 18.

Naila Mir (17:50.908)
yeah, you know what Kim, this topic is really resonating with me right now when you're talking about screen time I'm thinking my god she's not on the mobile but she's definitely watching TV and in one way it's educating her but in another way she gets irritated if she doesn't get to watch as much as she wants to watch and I'm like hmm what do I do?

Kim Muench (18:05.599)
Mm-hmm.

Kim Muench (18:11.625)
Yeah, that's a microcosm of the, I mean, that is the crooks of the problem, and that can grow. So be diligent, Mom. Be diligent about keeping those screen time television limits. Yeah.

Naila Mir (18:21.651)
I'm gonna keep an eye.

Naila Mir (18:29.171)
Yeah, even if we're busy. Yep.

Quinn (18:30.027)
Well said. So on average for your classes you have about 150 parents, is that right?

Kim Muench (18:38.395)
Well, this is the second month I'm doing the class and at this point I have over 300. So yeah, I mean it's and then I will do this again starting in January and I will lead it every month. But it's a very popular, it's a very popular topic. It's a very, it's not only is it about us, you know, if you're emerging adult is stuck and not moving forward, but it's about the shift in parenting that really needs to take place.

Quinn (18:40.713)
Mm-hmm.

Kim Muench (19:08.299)
post high school. I mean, it should actually be starting before high school, but you definitely cannot be parenting, and this is what I see, you definitely cannot be parenting your 20 something as if they are still in high school or middle school. Sticking with that, being the parent of a teenager and trying to carry that into their 20s, even when they're not acting, the reason that it stays this way is because the young person isn't

Taking that responsibility isn't taking those steps forward. So the parent stays in the I'm the parent, you're the child mode where what really needs to take place is parenting with them. So coming up alongside of them, partnering with them when there are problems rather than the parent trying to figure out what's the answer to that? How do I figure this out? What's the next step? What's the consequence? What's the, know, I am teaching parents how to invite their

20-somethings into the solution to the problem. You have to work together. You cannot be called an adult in the eyes of the rest of the world and decide that you don't want to have adult responsibilities. That's not gonna work in our family environment. It's not gonna work in this home. We need to work together to find solutions when there's a problem.

Naila Mir (20:28.894)
Yeah.

Quinn (20:29.053)
Indeed. So, Nyla, you have some ideas for the promo copy for this show, right?

Naila Mir (20:35.167)
Naila Mir (20:39.327)
So you have a class in January, you told us, right? And it's about Lost in Place. I love the title and we want to know more about this. So Quinn and I were thinking about different promo copies of working titles. One of them that we came up was, how do you get your child off the couch without a forklift?

Kim Muench (20:43.339)
and

Kim Muench (20:54.443)
You

Kim Muench (21:01.183)
Love it.

Quinn (21:01.183)
Another one is setting boundaries, a parent's guide to the difference between living at home and living in mom's basement forever.

Naila Mir (21:08.799)
when your 27 year old's career plan is becoming a Twitch streamer.

Quinn (21:15.379)
Lost in place because finding yourself shouldn't take a decade in your childhood bedroom.

Kim Muench (21:20.235)
I love that.

Naila Mir (21:21.109)
my god, one more. We can go on forever. We have one more. The parent's survival guide. When your child's Netflix queue is longer than their resume.

Kim Muench (21:32.766)
Nice.

Quinn (21:32.874)
I have one more too. Level up, helping your adult child defeat the final boss. Adulthood.

Naila Mir (21:34.099)
You

Kim Muench (21:39.369)
Aha, I love it. Well, I have a meeting today with my managing editor of the book that's gonna be published called Lost in Place and we're looking for a subtitle, so I will run those by them.

Quinn (21:48.766)
Okay, yeah, so, you know, any of those, there's no additional charge for those titles and we can come up with more as well, so.

Kim Muench (21:56.032)
Okay.

Naila Mir (21:57.706)
When is the book coming out?

Kim Muench (22:00.008)
It comes out the week of Thanksgiving. So November, I think it's November 23rd of 2026, which, you know, part of me is like this book was needed yesterday, but I know that there are many things that go on. This is my first book that's going to be published by a publisher. have another book that is my own parenting journey that I self published a couple of years ago. And I was going to self publish this one as well, but as a result of an Instagram video that was seen by someone at a

big publishing company, they have come to me and asked me to do this. So the timeline there is not till next November. However, in the meantime, I'm running these monthly classes also called lost in place so that we can get that, the title out there, the, you know, the verbiage for, I prefer to move away from failure to launch. To me, that sounds very negative and very, final lost in place to me. Like if you're lost, you can be found.

Naila Mir (22:45.663)
Mm-hmm.

Quinn (22:54.197)
Mm-hmm.

Kim Muench (22:58.953)
And that is my goal, is to help parents find and move through this challenge that is in front of them that they didn't anticipate.

Quinn (23:09.749)
Well, we definitely will talk about that more in the near segments since that's coming up in your next year. So on a more personal note, I wanted to talk about my 23 year old daughter Avery, who lives at home with me and she doesn't listen to this podcast. So I'm not worried about anything that she might hear. She has a job, she pays rent.

but she's struggling with depression and screen addiction and definitely avoiding some adulting milestones. Six months ago, we sat down and created a contract together, responsibilities, goals, things like getting her driver's license, learning about household finances. Every three months, her rent goes up $100 until she's paying her actual share. So it's a process.

Naila Mir (24:01.012)
Yeah, that's quite honest. Thank you for sharing that. So even though it looks like people have things in control, right? She has a job and things like that, but you're still navigating, you're trying to navigate this and people are trying to navigate. And this is what I think you're all about, right, Kim? And why people need to listen to it.

I've only got an 18 month old and I'm already starting to listen to you. So I will be applying straight away.

Kim Muench (24:30.495)
I think it's great.

Naila Mir (24:35.582)
Yeah.

Quinn (24:35.69)
So what are your thoughts on that approach with the contract and...

Kim Muench (24:39.549)
Yeah, I work a lot with parents on family living agreements. That's what I call them. And what I ask parents when I work with parents on this, I ask them to figure out their non-negotiables upfront. So what one or two things are they not willing to negotiate, not willing to be flexible on, and then to sit down with their emerging adults to create the rest of the family living agreement. Because what's important is what I just said in terms of

we have to start inviting them in to the process instead of just saying, here, this is the contract. And if you want to continue to live here, this is what's going to take place. creating that contract together, aside from the one or two non-negotiables that you have, for some parents, that's no weed in the house or no substances in the house. For some parents, that can be you have to work X number of hours a week.

And until that time, if you don't have a job now, you have to apply to, let's talk about what's realistic for a number of jobs a week you apply to. And in order to provide evidence that you are doing this, because we all know that young people, whether they're telling the truth or not, can say, I'm applying, I'm applying for things. I'm doing it. But we take it a step further and invite them to...

when they submit to take a snapshot of that and submit it to mom or dad. So let's say the parent and the emerging adult agrees that 10 jobs a week is realistic for them to be applying to until they get a job. Then also the evidence of that is taking a screenshot of that submitted application so the parent knows, okay, they followed through with it. So.

Bottom line, to circle back to your question, what are the one or two things that parents will not be flexible on and then sitting down and talking through and working with the emerging adult on what the rest of the sections look like? Sections like household chores, overnight guests, substance use at home, those are just a couple of things, but we have several categories.

Quinn (26:57.298)
right.

Kim Muench (26:59.145)
So, and the other thing, Quinn, that I wanna say is if you're struggling with the number, that's, I think when we grew up, like, that all sounds extremely reasonable. Like, it sounds extremely, everything you've said sounds extremely reasonable. Two things that I would add to that. One is sometimes I'm finding that parents with that many changes and expectations, which are realistic from our generation's point of view,

may need to take that back to like, let's concentrate on one thing right now. And that one thing is that your dishes need to come out of your room. So rather than what are very realistic expectations, Quinn, I'm not saying that they're not, but what I'm finding is especially these young people that are really struggling with their mental health, all of that can seem like a lot. And so none of it or less than,

less is getting done. So can you concentrate maybe on one thing and work on that, you know, and build on that. So, because I think that's gonna work better for any young person who is struggling with their mental health, you know. there was a second thing that I wanted to say to you. and then the other thing is when I work with parents on a family living agreement is,

Naila Mir (28:03.029)
Hmm.

Kim Muench (28:25.355)
their the contribution, financial contribution, if it's possible, I would create a launch fund to put that into. OK, so this is, you know, instead of if a parent needs to use the rent, then use the rent like that, you know. But if in order to help that young person eventually gain independence, it's kind of a forced savings. Right. So and then the other thing I think of is or that I've talked to parents about is.

Quinn (28:34.346)
Okay.

Kim Muench (28:53.951)
weekly rent as opposed to monthly rent because it gets them in more of a habit. It's a smaller amount, somewhat more palatable. It's building a pattern of behavior because it's kind of easy to say once a month, I don't have it. I don't have it this month or whatever. So that's another adjustment that you might want to think about.

Quinn (29:09.033)
Right.

Quinn (29:19.622)
All excellent points and thank you for sharing those. So I think now is the perfect time to properly introduce our guest. Kim Minch is a certified parent coach and founder based in Dallas, Texas. She specializes in helping parents of emerging adults, particularly those facing the challenges of directionless young adults at home struggling with string and screen addiction, easy for me to say.

Kim Muench (29:46.6)
I'm

Quinn (29:46.868)
Kim's upcoming book, Lost in Place, will be published in 2026 and serves as a comprehensive guide for parents navigating this increasingly common situation. When 400 parents attended her first introductory class on these topics, it became clear she was addressing a crisis that many families are experiencing, but few are talking about openly. Kim, where can we find you online and learn more about your coaching and classes?

Kim Muench (30:13.065)
you can go to my website, which is reallifeparentguide.com.

Quinn (30:19.132)
Okay. And what about on your IG and the TikToks and all that?

Naila Mir (30:20.501)
exit.

Kim Muench (30:22.399)
Yeah, yeah, you can. am prevalent on TikTok and Instagram at Kim Minch, M-U-E-N-C-H, parent coach on both of those platforms.

Quinn (30:33.268)
Great, I'm sure you're easily Googleable. So that brings us to our near segment, are you ready?

Naila Mir (30:34.273)
Excellent.

Kim Muench (30:36.811)
I'm

Naila Mir (30:37.429)
Yes, I will. Yes, let's shift to the near segment and then we have a future.

Do you want to do that again?

Quinn (30:49.298)
Yes, because it's my new button, my new toy.

Naila Mir (30:54.209)
Okay, so second segment, Kim, Nair, Future. What can parents do?

Quinn (31:00.134)
and let's make sure that we talk about her book too, because we didn't really touch on that that much. OK.

Naila Mir (31:05.163)
Yes. Yes.

Kim Muench (31:06.803)
Is this, you're still hearing this dog?

Naila Mir (31:09.249)
Oh yeah, she's part of the show now, so it's fine. Yeah, that's fine. It's okay. With the COVID and all the online, when we all moved to meetings, we met everyone's dogs, everyone's husbands and wives and kids. So it's all good. They're all part of the show now. What can parents do now and over the next years to address the problem, right? When a parent comes to you and says, have a 25 year old son.

Quinn (31:11.486)
yes.

Kim Muench (31:12.235)
I'm so thrilled.

Kim Muench (31:26.347)
.

Naila Mir (31:37.119)
who is in his room gaming for the last 14 hours has no job, no direction, where do you even start with them?

Kim Muench (31:46.796)
Sometimes it's as basic as, because that's the situation, you can have a young person who has not showered in weeks, like their personal hygiene just goes out, I mean, everything just goes out the window. when I work with parents in that situation, first we look at what do we know from history this 25-year-old has been capable of? Are they a college graduate?

You know, what have they been able to do? What accomplishments do they have in their past? Which doesn't necessarily mean that they're Quite as capable today, right because they've got they've clearly gone down a different path at the moment But it's almost it's like a gauge to see like where what have they done? What can we work towards kind of thing and then I asked parents to think about what is your part in this pattern? What is your because you all play a part in this?

Naila Mir (32:42.304)
at all.

Kim Muench (32:43.305)
So parents, lot of times, a lot of us, Gen X again, weren't really allowed to have a full range of emotions when we were growing up. Our parents would squash if we were angry or fearful or they were disappointed in us. And so I think that it can be very uncomfortable for parents to witness their young person's big emotions.

And so for that reason, they avoid a lot of trying to work through problems because their kid becomes dysregulated, angry, sometimes punches tolls and malls, whatever, they just, or they shut down completely and they're completely not interacting at all. Sometimes the first thing we have to do is rebuild the connection within the family members because there's just a complete isolation going on.

with that young person. So helping them to get re-engaged with family, with having one meal together. This is not, I wanna tell you that it's a very quick three-step process to, it's not. It takes longer than parents want, but I will tell you that when they are consistent, when they are calm, even in the dysregulation of that young person,

when they are confident in how they're parenting and it helps them to come and be in the presence of other parents going through this and to work with a coach on it. When they go from feeling a lack of confidence to confident, not controlling, but confident, they're consistent, they're calm, even when they're being triggered, and they're clear on where they stand on things. They're clear because...

The waters can get muddied even between two co-parents. They're not 100 % attacking this situation the same way. So the four Cs, the four Cs, yeah.

Quinn (34:44.413)
Yeah, this all comes down to boundaries, know? Setting boundaries. What were your foresees?

Kim Muench (34:51.531)
Clarity, calm, confident, consistency. Consistency being super important. I always tell parents, don't say something and not follow through with it. You will take yourself 10 steps backwards when you do that. Do not, so don't say it unless your words are gonna be aligned with your actions.

Naila Mir (35:11.605)
have loads of questions more but maybe if you tell us a bit more about the book that's coming out it answers some of those questions so are those four C's covered in your book what is what is in your book can you tell us that?

Kim Muench (35:22.783)
Yeah. Yes. So the four C's are covered in my book. I will be having case studies in there so parents can really read through and understand, you know, the variety of families that are, you know, experiencing this problem, taking them through, here's where we started. Here's, you know, here was the process. Here were the bumps in the road because it never goes smoothly. I mean, I would love to tell you that.

We do this and then this and then this and then here's the outcome and they go get a job and they get independent and that is not the case. But again, going back to those four Cs are super important. The other thing that I want that will be in the book and I'm gonna talk to parents about are the three things that they do control at this point in their emerging adult life, in their emerging adult's life. What they control is how they're showing up. You as a parent control your tone of voice.

Whether or not you are being critical and judgmental or you're validating their feelings and being kind yet firm in the process of setting healthy boundaries, how you're setting those boundaries. So how you're showing up is one thing parents control. Second, you control what you're willing to provide now that they're not a minor. And, you know, we really talk about like, you know, I work with some families who's

Naila Mir (36:38.934)
Mm-hmm.

Quinn (36:39.145)
Bye.

Kim Muench (36:45.685)
Kids have a credit card that's the family credit card that the parents are paying, you know, on a regular basis. And they just, they don't have any concept of what it's costing their parents to continue to fund their lifestyles. And then third thing that parents control is how they're responding to the young adults' words and actions, okay? So how they're showing up, what they're willing to provide, and how they're responding.

Naila Mir (37:08.834)
Mm-hmm.

Kim Muench (37:14.089)
to what's coming at them from their emerging adult. So that is the concentration of the work that I do with parents. We're gonna work on what we can control because there's a lot you don't control. Like what they're choosing to do or not do, you don't control.

Naila Mir (37:26.72)
Yeah. Yeah.

Quinn (37:33.225)
It's complicated

Naila Mir (37:35.348)
So many things factor into it. There's so many things, right? Behaviour and there's the whole mental health and are we parents supportive or are we enabling or not being supportive? There's so much to look at in that space. Quinn, sorry, I cut you off.

Quinn (37:54.557)
No, no, it's your segment.

Kim Muench (37:57.024)
think that we're in a major parenting paradigm shift, honestly. And I think that we as parents of 20-somethings at this point had the ability to be a real healing generation in terms of healing ourselves from maybe the lack of emotional support we received in growing up. Because our parents didn't know. parents, didn't.

We have so much more information about parenting and about brain development at this point than my parents had back in the 80s when I was growing up. I mean, your kid didn't behave. It was all about behavior. And now we're moving to a place of emotional intelligence and being able to validate and be kind yet firm and set healthy boundaries. That is not something that was focused on for many generations, right? It just hasn't been.

It's behavior. You behaved, then you knew your parents loved you, right? And if you weren't behaving, then you pretty much knew that they were very unhappy with you and you wondered if you were loved.

Naila Mir (39:02.082)
There is, there is, there is a... yeah.

Quinn (39:03.036)
Hmm. Hmm. Well, we definitely still love them. So if you're living listening, Avery.

Naila Mir (39:11.298)
Yes, we always said that we were more well behaved than the children now and we talk about... really?

Quinn (39:12.54)
Still love you.

Quinn (39:17.772)
no, no, I was far, far more, I was a pain in the ass to my parents. Compared to me at that age, well I mean guess I was in college then, but yeah I was still screwing up for sure. She's a very compliant kid, it's just not, or young adult, but.

Naila Mir (39:27.476)
already.

Kim Muench (39:28.716)
you

Quinn (39:47.837)
You know, it's the motivating to achieve those adult milestones, you know, so she can move forward, you know, and be successful and have purpose in life and, you know, use her God given talents. That's all I really want for her. So we went a little bit long on the other segments. Let's quickly do Across the Pond. Across the Pond.

So, Naila, I think you're leading this segment if you wanna.

Naila Mir (40:23.676)
I am and this is where it comes across the pond. So I'm here in the UK and you're dealing with these crisis in America. But I'm here in the UK and we've got British parents also Googling how to evict my 26 year old at 2 a.m. You know, so I'm thinking that there are the problem is everywhere, right, Quinn?

Kim Muench (40:49.855)
100%. I mean, I have clients in Dubai. have, I just recently had a consultation a couple of days ago with a mom in Sweden. This is not, this is not exclusively an American issue at all.

Quinn (41:04.552)
But I don't know if this is the same in Pakistan, Naila, because Naila's Pakistani. I do know in India, it's very common for children to live with parents until they're married, and that can go into the 30s. So there's no social stigma about living at home. In fact, you don't move out until you get married. You stay at home. And I just wonder.

Naila Mir (41:08.523)
Yeah.

Quinn (41:31.846)
that cultural difference, that expectation, is there anything that we can learn from that?

Kim Muench (41:38.39)
think there is and I think, let me just say, I think I have most parents that I work with that if their 20 something is living at home and needing to live at home longer because of economy or just because they want to or the parents, know, it works for everybody. That's one thing. I think many of the parents that I work with would be happy to have that, you know, young adult living at home, you know, staying home longer. It's not the push.

I don't think is 100 % from coming, you know, they have to leave the nest or get out of the house so much as it is being productive. the parent, listen, I signed up for, you know, as a mom myself, like I signed up to feed, clothes, shelter, all the things of you until, you know, 18 or until you're through college, you know, depending on how parents feel about it. I did not sign up for this.

if you decided not to go to college and you're not working full time and I'm still paying for everything in your life. Like I did not sign up for that. So I think a lot of it has to do if that young adult is working and contributing to the household in ways I think parents would be very fine with them staying home.

Naila Mir (42:54.305)
That is true. Yeah, in our families, it is like that. You don't leave the house till you get married. Doesn't matter if you're a girl or a boy. In fact, if you decide to leave the house, they're like, why? Why? Why do you need to live alone? Yeah, why? Why? No, no, you don't need to. You're a girl. We've got these other cultural stigmas. You're a girl. You can't live alone kind of thing. But we live in the house too.

Quinn (42:55.026)
Thank

Kim Muench (43:06.699)
Is this place so bad? What's wrong? Yeah.

Naila Mir (43:17.975)
We do work, we save up money and then we have enough money when we get married to buy a house and all of that. We're not there sitting in our rooms, not leaving the room and when we only leave the room is to get a Mountain Dew or something like that, you know? So you're right about that.

Quinn (43:37.832)
Shall we move to the future?

Naila Mir (43:40.859)
we're moving straight to the future then? Okay. I tell you, Kim, we have a lot to go through.

Quinn (43:49.289)
I got my producer whispering in my ear. So 2040, what happens to this generation? We're looking at crystal ball time, 15 to 20 years into the future. What happens to young men who are currently lost in place? Do most of them eventually find their way? mean, thinking of what the impacts of AI, the impacts of

Naila Mir (43:52.803)
okay.

Quinn (44:17.51)
what our workforce is going to look like, it's going to be very different.

Naila Mir (44:21.891)
Mm.

Kim Muench (44:22.237)
Yeah, I think that's kind of hard to say because we are in such a, such a new age of, I'm not sure. I'd like to think again, going back to if parents have more influence than they think in this situation with these lost young men or young women, they, but it's not about controlling that young person. It's about how they are in relationship to them. So they have more control and when they're consistent,

and when they have a plan and they're clear about it and they're confident in it, things move forward. I see this all the time. It's when parents lack their confidence or that this can fester. Like I've worked with women in their late 70s who have 45 year old drug addicts living at home that essentially have never launched. And trying to do at that point is, it's not impossible.

But it is certainly more ingrained in their 40s than it is in their 20s. So it is best for parents, if this is what's going on, to get some, if they can't figure out a plan themselves, to get another person in there who's not emotionally attached, who has worked in this, to get them on the right path. Because very quickly it can become 30, 35.

Naila Mir (45:47.907)
Hmm.

Quinn (45:48.104)
Kim, you're scaring me.

Kim Muench (45:49.46)
I'm sorry.

Quinn (45:52.474)
gotta run guys I gotta go wake up my daughter so you guys can wrap up this this podcast because I've got some things to do

Naila Mir (45:52.547)
You

Kim Muench (46:00.396)
not trying to scare you. think it's just, it's that parents think they're past the work and that's not the case. But that doesn't mean it can't be fixed and on a much different path. And that's what I hope for these young men here that are going through this now. I hope that by 2040, they are on their path and whatever that looks like for them, but that they're not hiding in their bedrooms, not growing up.

Naila Mir (46:26.18)
Hmm.

Quinn (46:31.079)
Right. My younger daughter and I were in the bookstore and we came across this Mel Robbins book, the Let Them book. Does any of that apply to your thinking, your teaching?

Kim Muench (46:43.977)
Yeah, I did several. I did several that the thing about Mel Robbins and the let them theory is there's two parts to it. Let them meaning, you know, let them be who they're going to be. Let them make the choices they're going to make. But let me decide where I need to put in some healthy boundaries so that I'm not rescuing, fixing, becoming emotionally dependent on what they're doing in order to like.

Quinn (47:03.527)
Mm-hmm.

Kim Muench (47:13.717)
be okay myself. that there's two parts of it and it definitely can apply to parenting emerging adults for sure.

Quinn (47:15.344)
Right.

Naila Mir (47:22.404)
Do you see systemic changes happening? you know like education teaches a lot, school teaches a lot, we go from school to adulthood. Do you see any of those interventions helping as well from an education point of view or any other politics, systems, healthcare?

Quinn (47:23.185)
Gotcha.

Kim Muench (47:46.815)
Do I see them being helpful in this? Is that what you're saying?

Naila Mir (47:49.368)
Yes, yes exactly.

Kim Muench (47:53.836)
I really think family and home life is the foundation of everything. And I think we, and what happens at home and the basis gets carried out into those other areas. But I think first and foremost, these changes need to start in the home, right? They need to, they...

Naila Mir (47:58.35)
Mm-hmm.

Kim Muench (48:20.137)
I do see, just Texas recently, their public school system went to no phones in the school. And I think that that can be, I think that is a step in the right direction. Back in 2011, I know exactly how old my kids were when they allowed technology into school. And I remember thinking, this is the worst, worst decision ever. And now they've gone back on that. And I think that is a hundred percent a step in the right direction.

Quinn (48:33.509)
Same here in Florida.

Naila Mir (48:43.427)
Hmm.

Quinn (48:49.735)
gotcha on that. One thought I had before we go into the rap is you were talking about how a lot of young adults who end up in this situation had plans to go to college and that didn't work out for whatever reason. So then they're left with a now what scenario. They don't have any real skills.

Kim Muench (49:15.115)
Mm-hmm.

Quinn (49:19.225)
And so moving into a career that can sustain them is sometimes difficult to find. And one of the thoughts that I had is that from parents, especially parents who are college educated, maybe the entire family has been college educated.

If there's not a path to college, then there's a sense of we don't know what to do. And that brings me to the thought of learning a trade of some sorts. You can make a fantastic living as an electrician or a plumber or a tattoo artist or any number of other disciplines. And I think

Naila Mir (50:01.721)
Hmm.

Quinn (50:15.867)
Finding that purpose and self-esteem in work and working with your hands or doing something creatively, think that's one of the challenges that my daughter struggles with is that she has ideas about things that she wants to do, but really feels like that college is not the path for her. So...

Kim Muench (50:33.493)
Mm-hmm.

Naila Mir (50:39.992)
Hmm.

Kim Muench (50:40.843)
You know, what I think is interesting though is we have never lived in a time that it's been so prevalent or I think easy to, not easy, because it's not, to become an entrepreneur. You know, I have a daughter that she's 20 and she loves florals and yes, she's in school. I think she at this point is kind of like, I don't know that she would have gone this route at this point. She's far enough in that she'll finish that.

Quinn (50:55.547)
Right.

Kim Muench (51:10.949)
but she loves doing floral bouquets and she found a job that I think she could just, that could have, that could have been her training and her path. And eventually she would like to own her own business doing wedding custom florals. And I think it's easier than ever to create a passion that you love into a business that can sustain you. I'm not saying that it's, I'm not saying it's not a lot of hard work.

Naila Mir (51:40.802)
Mm-hmm.

Kim Muench (51:41.087)
but it's more prevalent than ever. And I think that the opportunity is there for young people who don't want to go to college or a trade is not their way to create and build a business of their own and be their own boss.

Naila Mir (51:54.918)
I I tell my niece who was 16 when she decided I don't want to go to college and everyone was like, oh my God. And I was like, no, there has never been more options than there are today to do things. If you follow your passion, which is what I've always done, right? Purpose came a bit later, understanding what that was. I always followed what I loved doing. You love children.

and you love makeup. Go and explore that. There's education, there's qualifications, and now she's 20, already married, but she's taking, she's in children and childcare and all of that, and she's loving it, and she's earning since she was 17 because she was in that field. But yeah, it's just, if we can guide them in that way, because often what happens is they've been told, but you know, you need to educate. No, you can do things. You need to show them what those options are and how to get there.

Kim Muench (52:46.325)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Naila Mir (52:48.452)
Yeah.

Quinn (52:49.69)
I mean, Naila and I are both business owners, so Naila's going on, what, five years?

Naila Mir (52:56.613)
Oh yeah, I'm 2018. Does that make it five? I don't know. Seven. Testing my maths here now. Oh wow.

Quinn (53:00.518)
No, that's more like seven years. I'm at 24 years, so I can't imagine having like a real job. So yeah, if you're sitting in the basement or in your bedroom, go start your own business. So Kim, as we're moving into the wrap, what's the one parting message that you can give parents? Is there anything that we didn't talk about that you want to share with us?

Kim Muench (53:16.085)
now.

Kim Muench (53:30.141)
I would love to share a quote that was downloaded to me and it's the last page in my book that was published in 2021, which is my parenting memoir. But I think this is, this would give some parents really something to think about. It's kind of deep. So I'm going to say it slowly because just so you kind of get the gravity of it. It's this, our children come through us, not for us, except for the lessons they reflect to us.

during their journey in an effort to grow us up along the way.

So if you are experiencing a really challenging time with your emerging adult, I want you to ask yourself, what is this experience trying to teach me? And the number one thing parents will say is that I have no control over them, but there's more to it than that. And so each parent needs to, and I ask this often to parents, what is this trying to teach you? Because this is what our children, our children can be our greatest teachers. I know for

myself that is a hundred percent true as much as I taught them about life they have taught me so much more

Naila Mir (54:42.319)
That is so true. Thank you. Yes, we look forward to seeing the book, Kim, and it has been really amazing talking to you. And this is a topic we could all go on for hours on because we are parents ourselves. Some are new, some like Quinn who have 23 years like you. But yes, this is a wrap for now of Now and Air in the Future. You can find us on our usual platforms, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon and YouTube.

Quinn (54:43.302)
beautifully said. You want to take us to the rap, Nyla?

Kim Muench (54:49.439)
Thank you.

Naila Mir (55:12.271)
Follow us on Instagram and LinkedIn at NowNearFuture or visit us at nownearfuture.com

Quinn (55:19.814)
If this episode resonated with you, please share it. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of parents in your community who need to hear this conversation.

Naila Mir (55:29.999)
Kim, can you remind everyone on where they can find you or how they can sign up for your classes or learn more about Lost in Place?

Kim Muench (55:37.289)
Yes, you can learn about all of my different coaching options and the events that I have coming up on my website, which is real life parent guide.com and on social at TikTok and Instagram at Kim Minch parent coach.

Quinn (55:53.136)
Thank you so much, Kim. You have really taught me a lot and our listeners a lot and we are so happy that you joined us today.

Naila Mir (56:01.891)
Yes. Thank you everyone and as always stay curious, keep dreaming.

Kim Muench (56:02.059)
Thank you.

Quinn (56:08.484)
See you in the future.