When Love Looks Like Control: The Hidden Harm

In this episode, Lesley George unpacks the difference between love and control through the lens of emotional abuse, manipulation, isolation, digital monitoring, and self-betrayal. This is a powerful conversation about hidden harm, clarity, boundaries, and what it takes to break free from patterns that were never love.

Transcript

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Welcome back, sparklers. Today we're talking about Rapunzel, but not in the cute fairy tale way people usually do. I want to look at her story through a different lens. When I look at her, I don't just see long hair, a tower, and a dream. I see control. I see manipulation. I see what happens when someone is taught to question themselves so deeply that controls starts to feel normal. That is why this conversation matters. I am located in South Florida, and over the last week we had a young lady that allegedly, let me just make sure I say that, allegedly have died at the hands of her husband, which was domestic abuse. And so that's why I say this conversation matters. Abuse is not always physical. Sometimes it shows up in words, in fear, in dependence, and even in guilt. Sometimes even digital monitoring in the age that we're in now with AI, we can't forget that. And even sometimes inside a family, your workplace, church, or another system where power gets misused. Sometimes it becomes so familiar that you start repeating the harm against yourself. That is where I want to begin. Here is the truth for today. Not everything called care is care. Not everything called love is love. And here's the quote I want to anchor this episode with. For women, it's that gut feeling. And so I want to take a peek at Rapunzel in that story. That she was not only trapped in a tower, she was trapped inside a version of reality that had not been built for her. Somebody else decided that was dangerous. Somebody else decided what was dangerous and what was safe and what was possible and what she could believe about herself. That is the kind of control that is powerful because once a person can shape how you see the world, they do not have to force anything else. Because now you start second-guessing yourself, you start hesitating, you start shrinking on your own. And you know that feeling. Not a literal tower, but an emotional one. A life shaped by guilt, a voice shaped by fear, a pattern built on dependence, a habit of silence that started as survival. Her environment taught her that the outside world was dangerous and that the person controlling her knew best. What is that? That's emotional abuse. That is psychological abuse and manipulation. Emotional abuse chips away at your confidence. It makes a person feel selfish for wanting more. Dramatically for noticing harm and wrong for wanting freedom. Psychological abuse attacks your perception. It creates so much confusion. It teaches you to doubt your own instincts and explains away what feels, you know, that feels kind of off. That is why stories like this hit so deeply for me, because they reflect something that many people live but never get a chance to name. Some were not only held in a tower, they were taught how to stay there. That can happen in any type of relationship, whether it's a romantic relationship, it can happen in families, it can even happen in friendships. And I'm gonna talk about church as well, because it can happen in church, as I said before, your workplace and different organizations. Any place where questioning is punished and silence is rewarded can become a dangerous place. And that is also why abuse has to be talked about in a much fuller way. We we usually talk about physical abuse that gets a lot of attention because it is easier for people to recognize, but emotional abuse often gets minimized, financial abuse gets overlooked, and technological abuse gets brushed off as concern, closeness, or checking in. But when someone needs access to every password, every moment, every message, or every post and every location, that is not love. That is digital control. Now, financial abuse can also keep a person stuck by limiting your money, your information, your independence, or this or your decision making. A person does not have to be physically locked away to be trapped. Then there's that organizational abuse, that one which hides inside of systems. It shows up when fear keeps people quiet, shows up when loyalty gets used to excuse harm, when protecting the image matters more than protecting the people. When someone pays for honesty, which with exclusion, punishment, or isolation, we see that all the time with whistleblowers. That's why there's a protection for whistleblowers. And that's what we call trauma, right? So after the event has happened and you have experienced that, what are you left with? You're now left with that damage, that trauma. Now let's get into our self-abuse. This is the one really and truly we don't talk about. Yet it sits in our lives. Self-abuse can sound like how we talk to ourselves. How did you address yourself this morning? Were you harsh with your self-talk? And do you think it didn't matter because no one else was around you? When you woke up this morning and you went to the mirror and you looked at yourself in the mirror, you got ready to take a shower and you looked at yourself. What is it that you said to yourself? That is, if you said something positive, I'm gonna clap for you and cheer for you. But if you didn't, that's harsh self-talk. And that falls under self-abuse. It can look like abandoning your personal boundaries, silencing what you really and truly need. Also, explaining away mistreatment or staying in places that keeps draining the life out of you. Vampire moments that just keep sucking the life out of you. But what? You're gonna make excuses because this is what it does, but this is what it did. It abandoned your personal boundaries. It can sound like you're being protective. We can use the word loyal, we can even go into spiritual, even disciplined or strong on the outside while something inside is wearing us down. That is why healing gets complicated. Sometimes the person is gone, but the pattern stays. The tower behind you, but the mindset, the tower is behind you, but the mindset still follows. Freedom has already arrived, but it still feels so unfamiliar. And that is that is what makes this story so powerful. The shift didn't begin only when she left the tower, the shift began when she started questioning the story she had been given. That is where chains begin for a lot of people, too. Not with the dramatic moment, with clarity. The moment something inside says, wait a minute, nah, this is not protection, it's not peace, this is not feel healthy. This has been something else. And I'm gonna call it out. This is control. Once you can name something clearly, it becomes harder for it to keep hiding. So here is another quote for this episode that I want you to stay with. You can't heal what you keep renaming as normal. You can't heal what you keep renaming as normal. That lands because people do this all the time. You know, you're gonna start questioning yourself. You're gonna say, uh, well, maybe I'm just overreacting. You know, they meant well. Uh, this is just how life is. I'm supposed to just suck it up and just move forward. The other thing is, I should be grateful. And nah, this is not that serious. That's why words matter, that's why language matters. When harmful behavior keeps getting renamed as love, concern, loyalty, or wisdom, you stay trapped in confusion. Isolation that just makes that even worse. When there are no outside mirrors, one controlling your voice, which starts to sound like the truth. A person can be surrounded by people and still feel deeply alone. You can look functional in public and be unraveling in private. And that is why this conversation is so much bigger than this fairy tale story. It's about what happens when control gets romanticized. It is about what happens when survival gets praise, but the damage underneath never gets addressed. It's about what happens when somebody has been control has been carrying confusion so long that peace starts to feel unfamiliar. And let me be careful here. Not every hard relationship is abuse. That's not what I'm saying. And not every conflict is abuse, and not every mistake is abuse, but certain patterns matter, manipulation matters, fear matters, chronic confusion matters, and definitely lost of self. Definitely matters. So when confidence keeps disappearing, choices keep narrowing, peace keeps getting trapped for compliance, and somebody feels smaller over time, something seriously deserves some attention. And that is one of the strongest lessons in her story. A gifted person can still be controlled, a bright person can still be manipulated, a capable person can still trust, can lose trust in their own voice. And that brings it right back to what we had talked about before when we talked about Violet. Violet hid Rapunzel was confined. And these may be two different stories, but it's basically the same ache. Fa has a way of disconnecting people from their brilliance. And freedom can feel uncomfortable at first. That part matters. Sometimes people think people leave harmful spaces and still feel pulled toward what is familiar. Not because it was healthy, but because it was known. Healing takes time, clarity takes repetition, and trust definitely has to be rebuilt, even with yourself. So if someone is listening today and trying to untangle any type of emotional confusion, rebuild your boundaries or hear your own voice again. Let this sit with you. Needing time does not mean that you are a failure. Seeing it late does not make you foolish, and working through layers does not mean you are weak. It means something real is being faced honestly. And freedom starts when truth becomes louder than conditioning. So I want to bring this into your everyday life for a moment. Maybe this shows up in a relationship where independence gets treated like disrespect. In a friendship relationship where guilt is used to keep control. In your workplace where silent is expected and honesty costs too much. Maybe in church or an organization where people are told to endure things that should have been addressed. And maybe it shows up in those digital spaces where access gets demanded in the name of closeness. That is where, and maybe it shows up in the mirror through thoughts that keep saying, Ah, you gotta stay silent, do not ask for more, do not make waves, and do not take up too much space. That is where self-abuse becomes part of the conversation. So sometimes the tower may be internal. A person talks to themselves, a person talks themselves out of growth, talks themselves out of rest, out of honesty, out of leaving what they already have proven harmful. Once again, that is why healing is not just about escape, it's about rebuilding trust with yourself. Now, I want to leave you with a few reflective questions. Where has control been disguised as care in your life? And what I've had, what have I been tolerating because it became familiar? Sit with those questions. Ask yourself those things. You don't have to have a conversation with anyone else. Just sit with those questions, write those down, take some time to reflect on your life. Because this story reminds us that the issue was never a lack of value, the issue was distortion, a lie that kept repeating until it started sounding true. So there could be something in your life as well. A lot of people, you're not missing power, you're trying to recover clarity. And that is why this matters. So this week, notice what no longer feels honest. Notice what keeps asking for silence. Notice what keeps feeding confusion. Notice where truth is trying to break through. And you do not owe loyalty to what kept you small. So this has been Mosaic Sparks with Leslie George. Thank you for joining me today. Until next time, keep showing up, keep speaking up, and keep unboxing your brilliance.