Dating in Your 30s Is Different… Here's the Truth Nobody Talks About (Episode 12)

Dating in your 30s hits differently.

In this episode of the Thriving Loudly Podcast, we talk about what dating really looks like for millennial women in their 30s — one single, one in a relationship — both child-free, unmarried, and intentional about how they move through love.

This conversation explores the pressure, timelines, boundaries, and identity shifts that come with dating in this season of life.

We discuss:

• How dating in your 30s changes your perspective on love
 • The pressure around marriage, kids, and timelines
 • Breaking free from imposter syndrome in relationships
 • Dating from alignment instead of survival mode
 • The boundaries women develop in their 30s
 • Why relationship status does NOT determine your worth

Thriving Loudly is the podcast where we break imposter syndrome, release survival mode, and build the mindset required to actually win — in life, relationships, business, and visibility.

If you’ve ever felt behind in dating, pressured by timelines, or unsure how to navigate love in your 30s — this episode is for you.

✨ Key reminder from this episode:
 You don’t need to rush to prove you’re winning — your alignment already says it.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Dating in your 30s forces you to confront who you are, not just who you thought you'd be by now. Welcome, listeners, to Thrive and Loudly Podcast. I'm Ternice.

SPEAKER_02 0:16

And I'm Aisha.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

Thrive and Loudly is a podcast where we help you break imposter syndrome, release survival mode, and build the mindset required to actually win in life, relationships, business, and visibility.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

This conversation is for anyone who's done rushing, proving, or shrinking just to be chosen. So for us to kind of set the stage with this, you guys, um we're both millennial women in our 30s. Um I'm currently dating and in a relationship, and Tranice is single. So today we're gonna dive in about our own personal experiences dating as two black women. We both live in Arizona and just our experiences behind this. Yeah. Alrighty. Okay, so Trinice, what does dating in your 30s actually feel like right now for you?

SPEAKER_01 1:05

For me, I would say intentional. I think um once I got into my 30s, I realized that I needed to be a lot more intentional with dating. Um, I'll dive a little bit into my Dave and my date in history as we, you know, go a little bit longer in the um segment. But uh when I was in my 20s, you know, I was in a relationship um for quite some time, and I didn't that relationship was not really intentional. And so once I got out of that relationship, I realized that I need to be intentional with you know how I date, um, if I do want to one day get married and have kids. So it's very intentional, you know. I tell anyone that I'm dating up front that I am looking for marriage, I'm looking to, you know, have a family, and if that's something that they're not interested in, you know, it's great talking to you, but you're not gonna be the fit for me. How does it look for you? I know you're in a relationship, so it's different a little bit, but just in general.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

I think, you know, when you're younger in your 20s, you're just figuring yourself out. You're figuring out who you are as a person, you're having these experiences. And I think in my 20s when I was dating, I honestly didn't know what I wanted. And, you know, I was I was just having fun, right? I spent some of my early 20s a little bit of a party girl. I was in a sorority, just having fun, um, kind of exited out that stage and you know, started working and you know, just kind of met people organically or through the apps during that timeline, you know. Okay. Obviously when things, you know, when, you know, Tender and Bumble and all that stuff really started to emerge. Um, I think that was around mid-20s. Um, so yeah, for me, it just again, you know, it's just those experiences. And I think that the more you date, the more things you kind of figure out what you like and you don't like in a person or some things that are deal breakers and non-negotiables. And I think that really kind of set up and set the stage for me going into my 30s and you know, how I view dating and relationships now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

So, what would you say in terms of like how are you doing it differently now in your 30s versus in your 20s?

SPEAKER_02 3:14

Um, I think for myself, it's just, you know, I would say I spent a lot of time in my late 20s on the apps on Bumble. I realized once I got off those apps, I think I was like, I'm 35. So when I was about 31, 30, I was like, I'm not gonna be on the apps anymore. I'm just gonna meet people organically. Yeah. I realized and I know that's a little bit different for me because of the social media world I was in. So I was always going to events and meeting people, right? So it was easy for me to develop relationships and meet men while I was at out at these events or things I was doing. So it made it a little bit easier to get out of my shell. And so for me, it was more having those conversations and dating in real life versus just the endless garbage you find on Tinder and these apps, like the endless conversations that don't go anywhere and it's a waste of your time. So for me, I was like, I'm not doing that anymore. I'm just gonna meet people organically, and that's just what I did.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

Yeah. What assumptions do people make about your life because of your relationship status? And just even like, you know, you being a content creator and everything, and kind of because your relationship is public, it's out there, you know.

SPEAKER_02 4:33

Um, I would say for myself personally, um I'm gonna kind of backtrack when before I met my boyfriend, I was dating and people knew I was an influencer, and I actually struggled um being in relationships with men because I was an influencer. They didn't understand I needed to do content. I was always out, I was always meeting people. And so there it was difficult to find a dynamic that actually worked for me because a lot of men get intimidated by that, especially in my scene where I am going to these nice restaurants. I don't need a mandoline and dye me because I get it as an influencer. So I did feel and I sense this from men I was going on out on dates with that they were very intimidated by that. I remember this one guy um I was talking to, he's like, I don't even know where to take you for dinner because it seems like you've been everywhere.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

And I'm like, uh just because I've been somewhere, I'm going there to film, I'm going there to work. So it's a different experience when I'm actually present. I can talk to someone, I'm not having to have my phone out, take in video 24, whatever I'm doing, you know. So that was like, dang, is this what these these dudes think? Like I was like, this sucks.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

Yeah. So that was that was hard. Um, that's real. I mean, even even I get that too, and I'm not even an influencer, you know, it's like that intimidation, yeah, it's real.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Yeah, it's yeah, it's a real thing, guys. Um and and so I I think for me, it I think finding someone that understands and gets you and values you and respects what you do is important, right? So I think that's something that I was intentionally taking into whoever I was meeting next, you know, and um they accept that. So I mean that's good, you know. So I mean, but because it can be weird. I I had some rough patches with that. Um, how about you? And, you know, with what you do in your career being an entrepreneur, that's can be a little some men find that intimidating. I I don't know. It's just you know, it's it's weird out there.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

It's yeah, that's it. It's weird out here. Yeah. Um, yeah, it's it's it's a unique experience. Um, I'm actually I've been dealing with that of, you know, men being intimidated because of my success. Um, I've been running into just issues where, you know, men may feel like, well, do you really need me? You know, because you seem to have, you know, all these things going on, and how can I really step in and, you know, help you and provide for you when you seem, you know, you're doing two different things or you're doing this, you know. And so um I had to kind of step back with dating as well and kind of reposition myself a little bit different.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:27

Um, I stopped leading with, you know, boss chick or you know, all the things that I'm doing, and I kind of toned it down a little bit. And I don't I don't lead with that anymore. You know, I lead with I very much do want to be a wife one day. I very much, you know, want to have a family. And so, you know, yeah, I'm doing all these things because I have to support myself. I'm a very ambitious woman, but you know, with the right man, I'm willing to make adjustments to make it work. And so I think that's been the biggest thing for me is just having those conversations with men just to let them know, yeah, I do have all these things going on. Yeah, you know, it you see this from the outside. However, with the right man, you know, I'm willing to make some adjustments so that we can, you know, make it work. And it doesn't have to always be like this. And so I think that that's important to have those conversations when you are dating. You know, if you are someone that's an ambitious woman and maybe you're CEO of a company, and you know, if you're, you know, making a lot of money or you have a lot of influence, even just a content creator, not necessarily making a lot of money, but you know, you have a lot of visibility or exposure. Um, I think just having those real conversations, you know, when you're dating and letting them know, yeah, this is where I'm at, you know, but we could work together and we could still, you know, make some adjustments.

SPEAKER_02 8:42

Yeah, I I agree with that, you know, because it is, you know, when you are in a relationship, I mean there will be some compromises to an extent. That doesn't mean you're compromising your whole life.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

No, that's not what I'm saying at all.

SPEAKER_02 8:54

For anybody, you know, but you know, there is a little bit of give and take. You know, there has to be some sort of balance. And I know, you know, especially, you know, I can just say for myself, you know, someone who is very much a hardcore go-getter and go, go, go, go, go. Like, if I if it were up to me, I would probably want to be out seven days a week and filming and doing all the things, like, because I'm very much a high achiever. I've very much a high achiever. But at the end of the day, like when you're in a relationship, you have to make time for your partner, right? You have to spend time with them. You have to, you know, pour into them a little bit. And if it's all about you 24-7, how are you going to build upon that? And I think that's something that I've had to learn and be like, okay, you know, I can do my things, but I also have to pour into my partner. I can't just be like gone every single night and out at events. Like, that's not also okay, you know, and that's something I've had to learn within my relationship too, to be like, you know, there are times where you you do need to like, like I said, pour into each other. And so I've I've been learning that as well for sure.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Yeah, it's it's definitely important. How do you protect your sense of self when society ties worth to relationship status?

SPEAKER_02 10:10

I I will say this. I think, you know, times, at least I feel like, you know, I think there's so much pressure, you know, still with women to be at a certain status as they as they get older, you know, or do they have kids? Are they married? But I honestly feel like some of those have kind of changed a little bit too. Yeah. Um, when we're looking at, you know, statistics, people are marrying later. The median age at first married marriage is now 28.7 for women. So women, and this is a 2023 uh statistic, women are now getting married later in life. Um, being unmarried at 40 is increasingly common. 25% of 40-year-olds in the US had never been married. This is up from 20% in 2010, and this is a 2021 study. So when we think about being a woman in your 30s, statistically, we're at prime partnership window for women. You know, we're at the prime age. Women ages 30 to 49 are the least likely group to report being single. So actually, more women are starting to get married a little bit later in life than they were, you know, a couple of decades ago compared to other ages. So, you know, I mean, times are changing a little bit, you know, we're seeing that. And I think a lot of it has to be, you know, based on the fact that women are prioritizing careers now, right? More than ever before. They're getting college degrees. Right. You know, they're prioritizing their self in their 20s. I think compared to 10, 15 years ago, times are kind of changing to where, you know, it was a little bit normal to kind of have kids a little bit out of high school, kind of do some of these things. And now I would even say my friend group, a lot of my friends are just now having kids. They're now getting married, you know. So I'm seeing that shift. And I think um, although society still puts a little bit of pressure on women, I do believe that, you know, we are kind of changing. And I don't really think relationship status isn't really tied as much to your worth. It's actually now, I mean, with a lot of the stuff that was talked about a couple of months ago about, you know, being a woman who being being in a relationship is cringe for a woman, you know, like a lot of these topics are are popping off. You know, I think, you know, women are now not, you know, basing their livelihood or who they are as a person based on the relationship. They're like, yeah, what are you doing in your career? What are you doing with other things in your life? And I think we're seeing that shift. So I don't really feel the pressure. I, you know, I'm like, I'm I'm having fun, I'm you know, doing me, and that's kind of where I'm at. How about you?

SPEAKER_01 12:52

I would say the same thing. Yeah, I don't tie um a relationship to myself worth. I mean, in my 20s, I did because I was in a relationship for seven years, practically married without actually being, you know, legally married. Um, and so in that relationship, I did very much tie, you know, my identity to the relationship. But I learned that that's not what you want to do. You know, you want to be your own individual person, you want to know who you are as a woman. And so, which I think is very important is knowing who you are, you know, doing the self-work, healing, getting to know yourself so that you are not just um solely dependent on a man, right? To define who you are. Um, because if that relationship doesn't work out, now guess what? You're lost, you don't know who you are, and you're picking up the pieces and trying to, you know, rediscover yourself. Um, so I personally don't do that anymore, but I there was a point in time where I did, you know, tie myself to um a relationship in in terms of you know self-worth and all of that. But as I've gotten older in my 30s, I've just realized that that's not the the rel the way to go.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

And then for you, has being single forced you to confront parts of yourself that you've avoided since now you were in a relationship in your 20s. And I feel like when you're in a space where you're super comfortable and you know, you're you know, things you're in a relationship, it's like sometimes people don't want to do any extra work on themselves. Um, and I feel like that can end relationships too when people aren't growing together as well. Um so even being single, what what did you have to face? You know, some people face loneliness, some people have to face certain things.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

Yeah, so okay, so um I was in a relationship since I was 22 to about 29, 30-ish. And so um I was still living in Milwaukee before I ended that relationship, and I decided to move to Phoenix a year later because I just wanted a fresh start. So I moved out here in 2022, and um I just wanted to kind of disconnect because although I had ended things, you know, with my relationship, we were still hanging out on the weekends. I got an apartment, he was coming over on the weekends, and so I was like, we're not gonna end if you know we're still in the same vicinity. Um so I decided to relocate here just so that I could have a fresh start. And so when I relocated here, that's when it really got real. That's when I had to really sit with myself and I was like, oh shoot, like I have to depend on myself 100%. And I'm in a new city. And mind you, I came out here for a job. I was gonna work at um Vanguard, I was gonna be a financial advisor, and you know, with that, you have to pass series tests and things like that. And if you don't pass, you get fired. So I didn't pass the series, I think it was the seven tests, and I got fired. So three months of being out here, got fired, you know. So I'm like, oh shoot, you know, what do I do? Did I make a big mistake? I don't have my relationship anymore. I'm out here by myself, barely have any, you know, family, friends. What do I do? And so um I had to get creative and you know, figure it out, and that's how my business got birthed. But I say all that to say I had to really sit with myself and learn Trinice and unpack everything that I did not unpack, like really get down to it. I had to trust myself that I could survive on my own and that I didn't need a partner to survive, you know, and all those tests made me the woman that I am today, where now it's kind of hard for me to be in a relationship and depend on, you know, a partner again because it's like I've gone through all this, I was on that side, now I'm on this side, and it's like to kind of let the raids up. It's like, okay, give me, you know, give me a second, because now, you know, I've developed all these different um, I don't want to say skills, but you know, I've I've changed, you know, compared to how I was. So I don't know if I'm rambling or if that answered the question, but um, so yeah, so I had I had to just learn myself. I had to um go on this self-discovery journey um because I was so the guy that I was dating, he was 13 years older than me. So it was just very much I was living in his shadow, you know, although towards the end of the relationship, I started to break out and figure out who I was, but I was very much living under in his shadow, you know, it was whatever he wanted is what we were doing, you know, type of deal. So I had to definitely learn myself for sure.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

That's that's really good. And I and I'm I'm glad you kind of opened up and brought, you know, brought some of those points up because it is something that you have to confront and it it can be it can be tough, you know, especially when you're in that long of a relationship and you're like, okay, I gotta kind of get to start start over and get to know myself and who I who I am and what what do I want. What do I like? Um, and that can be tough. And I think on the other side of the coin, you know, when we're talking about relationships, I mean, they're never easy and you have to learn how to grow with someone, you know, and that's that can be equally tough, you know, especially if one person's growing, the other person's staying the same, and you're kind of like you guys have to kind of grow together. I mean, still, you know, enjoy your you as two separate people, but know how to come together as one. Exactly. And so that can be also a challenge to, you know, not always be selfish in your head about everything you want. And I some and I sometimes feel like I've also had to, you know, deal with that other side of the coin about being like this. It can't always, always 100% be the Aisha show, even though, like, you know, you know, you should have your boundaries, but also like you have to understand there is another person in this equation. It can't just be what you want all the time, every day, yeah, 24-7. There has to be a little bit of a balance and a compromise. And I think that's the the journey I've been um on as you know, as a person. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Well, I would say for in in that relationship, that was some of like our issues was it was the Trinee show, and yeah, it was just all about me, you know. It was like, although I was living in his shadow, but it was still all about me. And so I think he constantly felt like he was chasing me. I was not really listening to what he wanted me to do, and that caused, you know, friction. And yeah, and I had to look at myself. And I learned, even me being single, I was like, wait a minute, maybe sometimes I don't listen. Maybe there is some truth to what he was saying. Yeah, you know, because even dating now, you know, if a guy like I'm talking to someone right now, and um sometimes he'll say stuff, you know, and I'll have to kind of rule it back, like, did I listen to what he really said? You know, if he's repeating it again, I'm like, okay, yeah, this is the same thing. Yeah, I was having it last time. Like, girl, you need to work on that. Yeah, yeah. So that, yeah, I had to learn that too.

SPEAKER_02 19:49

It's you know, it's learning. No matter what season you're in, um, whether you're single or you're in a relationship, you know, you're it's it's ever evolving, you're always growing, you're always having to learn something. And I see whether whether I'm single or in a relationship, I see everything as a learning experience. I'm learning and I'm growing as a person.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

Absolutely. If you want to share, are there any like parts of yourself in particular that you've confronted now, you know, being in a relationship, maybe that you've seen, or when you were single, are there some areas that you feel like you heal from or confronted?

SPEAKER_02 20:26

I don't know. I think when I was single, I've had some, I've had some really bad experiences. Oh my gosh. Um, I think a lot of it was rooted in not trusting and loving myself. Um, I think there was a lot I had to learn. And, you know, I'm still, you know, I'm still learning, right? You know, you're always growing and you're healing. And I think that, you know, for me, it a lot of that was um rooted out of like not loving myself and not trusting myself. Um, and so I dealt with a lot of that, you know. I kind of had a stint where I was dating older men and, you know, dealing with a lot of that and their opinions. I had a, you know, in in my early 20s, um, I was dealing with that as well. And um yeah, you know, I think just, you know, I think really, you know, being single, it it's it's hard in this day and age for sure. Um, but yeah, I think for me it's just been a self-love, a self-healing journey that, you know, I've been on for sure.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

I'd have to say the same thing too. Like I said, the biggest thing for me is just listening a bit more. Um, I think I think it's been one thing that I had to truly learn, you know, and um yeah, I would say listening and and just understanding that men are sensitive to like really understanding men. Um I think when I was in my twenties, when I was in my relationship, I don't think I really understood men. And there's a lot of things that um

SPEAKER_02 22:00

know my ex-boyfriend would tell me and I like I said I just it would just went over my head and so now being in my 30s I'm like ah that's what he was asking that's what he was talking about oh okay I got it now you know like I like that because I think men want to be needed yeah you know it's just a masculinity thing like they want to feel be in their masculine energy and when you know especially for women like us who like we're entrepreneurs we're doing our we're running our own our own stuff like we're go getters we're hardcore yeah sometimes like it makes the man feel like okay like what do I do you know like where do I come in this equation and you know um obviously everybody has preferences and you know dynamics are different for everybody but you know I think men at the end of the day want to feel needed they want to feel needed respect it yeah and respected you know that's a big one yeah but if you're like hardcore boss babe you're like this is this you know like sometimes it can you know repel men away you know and but again everybody has their preferences on what they they like and they want in a partner so you know I think but I think also for women we want to be in our feminine energy we want to be taken care of like naturally and so it's like we if we want those things but we're like very hardcore it's like how can a man deliver that if we're not stepping back a little bit and letting them be like hey you know exactly I can open the door for you. It's okay I got this you know because I felt like that too in you know certain scenarios while dating like oh I'm I'm good I got this you know and then I probably repelled plenty of guys away because I'm very you know I want to control but it's like you want to be able to lead you have to allow a man to lead and that can be hard when you're a natural yeah go getter you know and you're yeah very natural with that yeah yeah so I've learned to I fall back now I'm like oh yeah absolutely let me plan it let me take care of it you can take care of that absolutely yeah go for it yeah because I I've had my stints where I was like I got this I can do it and it's like no I gotta allow them to take care of it allow them to lead you know and and they feel good about that they love it even like my dad is like that too like yeah what do you need you need anything you know like they just they feel good yeah so I think that's the biggest thing that I've learned too but I'm like well shoot if I would have known all this I was like I'd have been married you know in my twenties you know but you live and you learn you live and you learn but I also feel like as we were kind of growing up and becoming women it was a hardcore boss babe era. Yeah it was um I remember there was a book I read it's called Girl Boss yeah the girl boss yeah so I feel like millennial women we kind of grew up in that era where it was like okay be be a boss you don't need a man you got this and so I think it kind of turned us you know to be a little bit more which is great you know I feel like we're in in a space where it's we can be entrepreneurs we can do the things you know you know men can do to a certain extent but now it's like have we kind of gone too far in a sense to where it's like we're so like go go go go go about a lot of us aren't being in their feminine energy.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

And I yeah I think that times are changing. We definitely were like that. Yeah for sure. And I had my skincare line at that time that I was dating um my ex. And so I was very much yeah like in CEO mode and this is what I want to do. And you know he's like okay this is what we're doing.

SPEAKER_02 25:35

But now it's like okay now we're in soft girl era you know we want to just like relax I want to relax I want to be taken care of you know like yes come take this pressure off of me um okay so we'll segue into like time you know timelines and pressure um since we are in you know our in our 30s how often do you feel pressure around like kids you know um well age kids marriage do you feel any pressure around it um I'm gonna say no I I don't feel that way um at all but I think I also had um women in my life who were having kids at a later age like both my aunts um on my dad's side they both had kids like late 30s early 40s oh so for me you know obviously my mom was a young mom but for me seeing other women in my family have kids later in life I didn't really I I always knew it could be possible. So just having that proximity to other women in my life who were having kids older you know both my both my aunts they they went to school they did all these things graduated moved traveled I have um an aunt um she she actually had kids I think she was like 39 40 when she had her twins um she traveled the world she now lives in Australia like she was just having a time in her like 20s and 30s and then she you know met somebody while she was living in Australia and now they're you know married they have kids now and I love that you know same with my other aunt who lives in like the Bay Area she you know traveled had fun you know um worked at Google for a while like just did a lot of different things and then kind of had kids a little bit later. So I don't really feel the pressure I know society has you know made us feel like you know hey the clock's ticking which you know I know biologically it can be a little bit difficult you know for women as they age to have kids but there is a study in 2023 women 30 plus accounted for just over half of births which is 51.4% meaning it's now normal for motherhood to happen in 30s plus life stage and the more 40 plus births than teen births milestone which is a real statistic in 2023 births to women 40 plus um are are on on are are on the rise they're up so I mean for for us I think now it's becoming more normal for us women to kind of settle down in their 30s. So I don't really feel the societal pressure anymore.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

I think times are changing and you know it's more possible now for us to you know we're being more highlighted it's out there more women again are having careers they're you know getting married later they're prioritizing themselves in their 20s they're having fun so and I think for the team pregnancies um I think it comes down to like the advanced you know contraceptions that they have now available that they didn't have you know when we were growing up and then people in their 30s their 40s you know we can freeze eggs now we have IVF yeah so we have options you know so we don't necessarily have to go you know have a baby in our 20s or you know as teenagers um because we can still have it in our 40s. So I do think that that makes a difference as well.

SPEAKER_02 28:55

How about you?

SPEAKER_01 28:56

For me for pressure I I I did feel pressure like okay listen I'm gonna be 35 this year like where is this husband and these kids you know but I've learned in this season especially after the situation that I had last year I'm not rushing it you know it happens when it happens um like I said when I date I am upfront with any guy that I talk to like hey this is you know the goal this is what I want but after that you know I don't keep talking about the this the conversation I just let it be known once um and I just I'm I'm leaving it to God I'm having faith you know when it's time for me to get married when it's time for me to have kids you know I'll I'll have that so I've learned to take the pressure off myself and just enjoy life like maybe this is the time to yeah just get out here just have fun travel you know you said you want to travel travel you know use this time wisely could meet your husband he could be in Europe I don't know you could be traveling and you bump into him exactly like getting yourself out there and just you know trusting God trusting the process exactly is important yeah yeah well that's actually how I met my ex. I met him at the airport in Chicago. So we didn't even live in Chicago so it's like it's very possible. Yeah absolutely um okay so does being partner ease the pressure or does it kind of shift it for you?

SPEAKER_02 30:24

That's a that's a really good question. I feel the same way but I would say for myself I would say that I never had this desire to be married and have kids. I was very and it could be because I'm you know I'm the oldest in my family I'm the oldest of six siblings I had to play mom a little bit okay yeah um my age gap the age gap for my youngest sister is nine years so and then I have two younger siblings which is a 13 and 16 years age gap. So I think for me growing up I never had the desire I was like oh like yeah I was like oh my gosh I don't know if I could do this. Now that I'm older um I feel like I'm open to whatever happens happens. I'm not opposed to not having kids but I'm also you know open to the fact that you know I could be a mom and if it happens at 40 awesome you know if it's meant to be it's meant to be I don't I'm just like I'm rolling with it. I just never really grew up with that motherly instinct to be like this is what I want white pick a fence marriage all these things. That just never was me. Okay yeah see I'm the baby of the family so I've grew up very I'll just say a spoiled yeah and just very yeah very like nurturing like just want to be mommy yeah wifey like that's just who I am so for me it's like yeah I do want it absolutely um okay so let's segue into non-negotiables so what do you what would you say is like a non-negotiable for you now in your 30s um I would say for myself like dating or relationships yeah I would say you know now being in my 30s I think it's important you know whether you know if I was just dating if I was just dating if I was single right now I think I definitely would want to be in a position where and this was even before I was in a relationship too it's like I want to know that we're kind of on the same wing wavelength and we have like the same goals in mind um we're going in the same direction you have goals lined up you know things that you want to accomplish I think that's important. You have goals lined up yeah you know very important very important in my 20s I was like whatever like you know you know I wasn't really thinking about that um but I I do feel like you know especially being older you know you're kind of looking at that more and more versus when you're like 20 you're just out there you're just dating having fun whatever I don't know I don't know what you know I mean maybe it's different because of TikTok and all these things now maybe you know girls are a little bit different like I don't know but I mean I I think for me it's like yeah you know you want to make sure someone's on the same path as you and you guys have the same you know you guys can have different things that you want to accomplish but be kind of on that same mission a little bit so I think that's something that would be a non-negotiable right now. Yeah what about you? I yeah I'd have to agree with that as well um trying to think about the big non-negotiable for me um definitely goals I think consistency I think having a leadership like having a vision or kind of going back to goals but having a vision for your life like what do you want for your life you know I love to ask men that like you know what are what do you see yourself in five years you know um if you were to create a family where do you see us where do you see this leading to you know that's very big for that's very big to me because if I'm entrusting in you you know as the provider protector like you need to have a vision there needs to be some type of leadership and you're at a stage in your life where it's like hey like you need to cut cut out the BS yeah when you 10 years ago 15 years ago when you're in your 20s it you know these hard questions aren't really asked off the bat but as someone who's in their 30s it's like I don't have time to be just being like la di dah like exactly you got to ask these questions up front and if like these guys don't want to answer those it's like yeah exactly I'm like I don't have time for this I'm in my 30s like I yeah I could be alone like I it's an option like I don't need you having fun over here yeah like right like I was like I don't need this like you've got to cut through the how you do yes and consistency you know if you say that you want this show up show me you know don't just talk about it that's very big for me I like if you are not consistent this is not gonna work yeah you gotta go because like you said I'm having fun by myself yeah you know and so I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do that.

SPEAKER_01 34:55

Now that you've you know learned a lot of things and you know you're in your 30s now what advice would you give women in their 30s or even in their 20s? I would say work on yourself work on yourself.

SPEAKER_02 35:09

And I think even if you get into relationship no matter if you're in your 20s or your 30s if you have a lot of stuff you gotta work through it's going to be exposed when you're in a relationship. It's going those insecurities the all the things is going to be exposed um and I think that is the biggest thing that you know you can you can do and give yourself is just to work on yourself work on the things and just know what you want out of life know what know your goals you know and I I bel I truly believe you'll become you'll find the alignment with the right person. I think that a lot of people complain about dating and stuff like that which can be tough right it's it's tough out there. It really is especially in this age of digital social media and dating apps and all these things but I think if you can um focus on yourself focus on the things that you enjoy because I get DMs from time to time um like how do you how do you meet men out here especially when I was like single and I was really talking about my dating and stuff like that. Like people are like how do you meet men? How do you do this? How do you do that? I'm just like go out and enjoy the things that you love and enjoy to do if you like to go to pickleball go to go sign up for a pickleball club. If you like to go to dance classes do dancing do the things you love and enjoy and you're going to find people who are on that same wavelength. That's so simple and that is the biggest thing I can you know tell anybody like I think when you're starting wanting to search like I got to go the right bar I got to go to the right bar place to meet the single men which you could meet single men but are they going to be the ones you're in alignment with exactly are they going to be the ones that are just trying to look for a hookup a one night stand a little thing you know whatever that case may be and I think just enjoy the things you love and I think the right people will come to you.

SPEAKER_01 37:00

Yeah no I I agree with that going to the places that is in alignment with you if you're if you're really wanted to meet somebody that's in alignment with you right that makes the most sense yeah it's like not at the bar not at the club that's probably you're not probably not going to meet your future husband there. You know but if you go somewhere yeah pickleball you know even yoga class or to the gym you know someone that's in health and fitness is like okay we're in alignment you know this could work. Um I would say for me the biggest advice that I would give is yeah work on yourself heal yourself um and figure out so work on yourself heal yourself but then also write down what are you looking for in a partner you know make sure that you have your non-negotiables make sure you know what your core value let me backtrack make sure you know what your core values are what do you stand for? What are your standards? Because that's big in my 20s I didn't really have standards. I had to learn these standards what works for attorneys and what doesn't work for me. You know it's a lot different than what it looked like before and it's like hey buddy if you're inconsistent if you're not doing this you gotta go. You know I'm not putting up with this. And so I think that that is very big is learn your standards, you know, heal yourself work on yourself do the work and write down that list of what you're looking for in a partner and just leave it to God pray you know and it'll all work out for you.

SPEAKER_02 38:23

I I agree with that 100% I think that is the best way to grow and to to find a partner a life partner. Yeah I agree.

SPEAKER_01 38:32

All right so we're gonna wrap it up and so we're gonna leave with these takeaways you know relationship status does not equal your worth um whether you're in a relationship or whether you're single it does not equal you know your self-worth you still are an individual person and I think that that is so important. Survival mode doesn't create healthy love you know um and then imposter syndrome fades when self-trust leads um different seasons can still mean thriving.

SPEAKER_02 39:03

So whether you're single it could still mean you know thriving or whether you're in a relationship you you can still thrive you know either or yeah and you don't need to rush to prove you're winning right like you don't need to rush this life you don't need to rush the timelines and I understand that it is tough as you get older because you're like I want these certain things in life but continue to work on yourself yes because your alignment already says it on where you're at and who you are.

SPEAKER_01 39:31

So we're gonna close with our affirmations I release comparison I exit survival mode I trust my time in I build a life and love that aligns with who I am becoming.

SPEAKER_02 39:44

That is so good and thank you guys for tuning in and listening and you guys can follow us on Instagram at thriving loudly youtube listen to us on Spotify and all the other streaming platforms and we will see you in our next episode bye