Escaping the Performance Trap

In This Episode:

In a culture driven by endless scrolling and constant comparison, it is far too easy to let social media dictate our worth. We frequently fall into the trap of asking, "Am I enough?" based on what everyone else is accomplishing. 

In this episode, we unpack the performance trap—the false formula that our value equals our performance plus the opinions of others. We share practical ways to shift our conversations away from activity ("What do you do?") and toward true identity ("Who are you created to be?"). Grounded in Psalm 73 and Ephesians 2:10, this episode offers an encouraging reminder that your significance is your starting point, not something you have to earn.

 Key Takeaways:

• The Performance Trap Equation: Value = Performance + Opinions of Others. Breaking free from this formula requires anchoring our self-worth in who God created us to be, rather than what we achieve. 
• Activity vs. Identity: Most standard conversations focus heavily on activity (college, career, achievements). Shifting to identity-focused questions fosters deeper connections and affirms intrinsic value. 
• Faithfulness Over Outperformance: At the end of the day, the real question isn't "Who did I outperform today?" but "Was I faithful to the good works prepared for me?"
• Eternal Significance: Temporal possessions and positions fade, but human beings—created in the image of God—carry eternal value. 

Conversation Starters to Try This Week:

Instead of asking the standard "What do you do?", try using these identity-focused questions:

• "How is life going for you right now?"
• "What is your superpower, and how are you using it?"
• "How are you feeling about this next season of your life?"

 Resources & Books Mentioned:

• Scripture Passages: Psalm 73 (Asaph’s Psalm) | Ephesians 2:10 
• Books Mentioned:
  • The Search for Significance by Robert McGee 
  • The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis 
  • See Yourself as God Sees You by Josh McDowell (Available at Sightline Ministry Store)

Enjoyed the Episode?

If this message encouraged you, please like, subscribe, and share this episode with someone who needs a reminder of their true worth! 

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So it has been said many times that comparison is the thief of joy. And in our current culture of comparison, we compare each other like no other culture that has come before us, largely driven by the increased rise of social media, screen time, hours of time scrolling and comparing ourselves to the lives of other people. Do I have the same amount of money this person have? Do I have the same kind of lifestyle this person has? How do I compare with other people? And what happens is we end up buying into what becomes a terrible lie, that my significance, my success is dependent upon whether or not I'm outperforming other people. And this greatly impacts the way we view ourselves and view our significance. And so we have to ask, how can we cut through the impacts of this lie and point people back to the source of true significance and to the truth that you're significant because of who you are? Not what you do. And that's what we're talking about today. Welcome to the In and For podcast. I'm Shelly Komashewski, and this is Brock Anderson. It's an important subject today because if we're honest and we're going to agree that this is a safe place to be honest, we all feel this tension. Just the other day, it was a good day. It really was. I had good relationships. We had moved the needle on some big projects at work. It was a good day. And so I'm winding down on the patio. And I open LinkedIn. And all of a sudden, I see all of these accomplishments of people that I hold in high esteem. Someone had just come out with a book, someone else had a keynote, someone else got a huge promotion. And all of a sudden, my view of my day. Now, nothing had changed except my perspective of comparison, but all of a sudden, my day, I was like, oh, this wasn't a good day. Why on earth would we put ourselves through that? Because if you noticed, my question changed from did I do enough to am I enough? And that's where we get stuck. Yeah, that and that reminds me of uh a couple stories uh come to mind, but I wanna I wanna set the framework for this because in our culture today, we tend to focus in our conversations more on activity than we do on identity. And and it comes out in the way that we we talk to people. And there's someone, Robert McGee, he wrote a book many, many years ago, it's called The Search for Significance. And and he actually set up this this thing called the performance trap. We've heard that phrase often. but he actually sets it up as an equation that I think is really helpful for us to look through as we go in and and discuss this a little bit. And the performance trap looks like this uh my value is equal to my performance plus the opinions of other people. And and if we're not careful, we can make people feel like the performance trap is true. That what you've done, what you do, not who you are, what you do plus my opinion of what you do is equal to how valuable you actually are. And I just had a graduation party for my son. graduated high school, heading off to college, been to several graduation parties, but as a parent, I'm more locked into the conversations he's having with other people. And I think before I go into this, I want to say that I am very guilty of the thing that I'm just about to talk about. So I'm not I'm glad you put that caveat out. Yeah, yeah. There's no ivory tower here. very guilty of the thing I'm talking about. But as a parent, I'm stepping into this and watching people talk to him, and I'm just noticing that every question is about activity. Every question is about uh what do these chords mean that are on your gown? What have you achieved? And what college are you going to? Is that a college that I that I recognize? Is it a college that that I identify with or I see as significant? Uh what are you going to do uh with your life? What are you gonna major in? What are you looking looking to do after you graduate? Everything is about activity and it opens up the opportunity to move into the performance trap or his answer about the performance that that he's pursuing. gives them the opportunity to have an opinion about that. And it gives him the opportunity to then judge his value based on the response, the opinion they have. If he says, I'm going to Harvard, he's not. but if he says I'm going to Harvard and the person like, oh, well that's really significant. His value goes up. If he says I'm going to a college you've never heard of, then and the person looks, gets that question in their eyes, like, oh, that seems like an okay place, I think. then his value goes down. and only a couple of people ask the the question like, How do you feel about leaving your house for the first time for a long period of time? What's going through your mind when you think about being apart from your siblings for this a long amount of time, being off on your own? What do you think about being with a roommate that you've never met before? and and how you're preparing for that. These are these are not what are you doing questions? These are who you are questions. Not looking at activity anymore, but on identity. And it's just, it was something to think about. And it changes the way I want to approach people when it comes to those kinds of conversations. But it's also something we do in the day-to-day. when we meet somebody new, we introduce ourselves, we say our name, we have some pleasantries about the weather, and then we ask the question. And the question is almost always, What do you do? What do you do? I what do you do? And this is an activity question one one. Like what how do you do what do you do? Yeah, how do you do what what do you do? What job do you have? Where do you work? What's your position? And this is all act activity focused. And again, when we do this, it opens up that performance trap. Do you do something that culture sees as significant? do you see something that culture sees as important and valuable? cause your value is determined about that. That may not be my intention. And in fact, it's probably not my intention. Right. But it opens up the opportunity for people to feel that way. That they may not they may feel that their value is increasing or diminishing by how they answer that question. And if we just shift to identity questions, things like, how is life going for you? Seems like an odd question. But man, people respond when you ask that question. It's very different than how are you? Because we're all culturally disciplined to say, fine, I'm fine, everything's fine. but how is life going for you? Catches people off guard and it gets and it goes to the identity. I want to know how you are. Don't want know so much about what you do. I want to know about how you are. This is really something I speak into our kids all the time. All the time. We tell our kids we love you for who you are, not what you do. And I want my conversations to feel to feel like that too. It lets people see significance from from the start. Shelly, you have a question that you asked that gets right to us. It's an identity 101 question. And and I think it's great for you to walk into the question that you ask people. Well, I don't ask it all the time. I'm kind of sad that I even brought it up in the first place. But the question sometimes I will ask is, what is your superpower? So let me explain how that opens conversations in a really unique way. So it started one day when I was at a women's conference that happened to be the same place as a big college conference. And so that morning at breakfast, I ended up with a table, like the cool kit table, with all with all a bunch of um young college-age girls. And so sitting around, and I asked just entry-level questions as I sat down to breakfast, like, hey, tell me about this conference you're at, of which on day two they had no idea what the name was or what the theme was. All right. So how did you end up here? And again, well, my parents. Thought it would be a good idea and I get to hang out in the mountains in the fall. So, you know, that's why they were there. So I'm like, okay, this isn't going well. What will open up conversation? And so I looked at them and said, So what's your superpower? And I just kept eating breakfast. And the table went really quiet. And they're like, what? I said, well, we all are given gifts and talents that make us us. What are those? And I just kept eating. And the one girl looks over at me and she goes, because they're feeling this now. They're thinking, which is a good thing. And she says, Well, I think I'm a good baker. And I said, That's amazing. I wish I was. How are you going to use that to the glory of God? Yeah. And she was silent. Like, I can use my baking for the glory of God. Like, absolutely. Someone else. And the table one by one, they started talking about the other gal says, you know what? People talk to me. They just tell me things. I was like, that's amazing. That is a beautiful God-given gift. How are you developing it for ministry? And it was silent. It's like, hey, each person here is given this beautiful gifts and talents and abilities. And if you're a child of God, we're promised even spiritual gifts. How are we using that? Not for what we do, but for who we are and the mission we are called to. And I think that tends to be a bit of a game changer when we're not just about what do you do, but hey, you have a superpower. How are you using that to share the gospel and expand the kingdom of God? Yeah. I I can't get around how important that is. I just think that's a great question to ask. Like you talk about questions that catch people off guard, but then get people excited because people love talking about themselves. They love talking about who they are. So should I ask you? Do we want to go there? We don't. Want to go there right now. We don't have time to go on there because I I I'll just keep on going on and on. but it's a great question to keep in your back pockets. Very creative question. And and it reminds us, the question itself reminds us the framework that we're trying to build in this podcast, and this in this episode, we want to build around this idea that people are significant from the start. You're not significant because you've accomplished something, you're not significant significant because of what you do. You're significant because of who you are and who are you. You are somebody, regardless of who you are. You are somebody who's created in the image of God. Yes. And because of that, you have intrinsic value. It's inside of you already. You have worth already, immeasurable worth. C.S. Lewis brings this out so well in in the weight of glory when he talks about how you've never met a mortal person. Like everybody, the people that you joke around with, the people that you talk to, the the the people that we engage with every day. are all immortal people. They all continue on. And and he he gives an example of if you saw the fullness of of who some of these people are going to be, it'd be a being that's so glorious and beautiful, you'd be tempted to bow down and worship and worship it. And then he gives the other example of it could be something that eventually is so hideous. It's a thing of nightmares. But his his point is that everybody has this immortal nature because of the image that they're created in. And Yeah, when we have that that positioning from the very beginning, that's the view we take whenever we engage with people to say, hey, I I want to talk about who you are. I don't want to talk about what you do. Yeah. Because I want to ask questions and open up conversation about your identity. Yeah. So I can get to know you deeper. And and it it comes to no surprise. as no surprise, that when we do this, it also opens up conversations about spiritual things uh with with those who who do not know the Lord. In fact, I say often that people decorate their houses with opportunities to find out more about who who they are. Pictures and the items that they decorate their houses with, what they put around their fireplace, are all opportunities to find out more about who someone is, to take conversations. to the next level and for you to be able to affirm their significance over and over and over again instead of uh of instead of hearing more about what they do right and falling into that performance trap where they feel like again it's a feeling regardless of intentionality it's the feeling that my value is dependent upon my performance plus your opinion of what I do. Yeah I can avoid that scenario altogether by moving toward identity questions so I can I can affirm this person's significance and then point to a true source of significance as we move on. So we ask questions that move us away from from activity and move move more to who somebody actually is, identity. And we also wanna wanna ask questions that move us away from this culture of comparison and this performance trap where we don't move into my value is equal to what I do, my performance, plus other people's opinions. And we can actually Do that by remembering that somebody's significance is actually the starting point. It's the starting point. It already has significance. And I think there's a couple uh areas of scripture that that we that we look at that are really important to keep in mind here. I think we each have our our own. for me, it's Psalm 73, and this is a psalm of Asaph Yeah, just in case we can't, you know, pull that off the top of our head. Yeah, yeah. And I'm I I can't recite the psalm completely. Um, but but It's it's a psalm I love to go to because it does remind me of where significance is found. Uh when so Asaph is looking at everything around him. He's looking at the people around him, and they're collecting more and more things, and they're eating whatever they want to eat, and they're filling themselves with all the things of life. And there doesn't seem to be any consequence for the sin that they're also surrounding themselves with. And so he sees them and he envies them. And he wants to be like them. And he gets frustrated with with God, so to speak, because he's like, there's no judgment for these people. And then the psalm takes a turn because he then enters into the presence of God or enters into the temple and he remembers who he belongs to. He remembers where he finds his significance. He remembers in this case, these people who do not know God, he remembers their end. Like this is just all fading away, this is all temporary. but the reason why I like that psalm, regardless, is because even if it's another believer I'm looking at and I'm and I'm and I'm I fall into that comparison trap and I'm like, they have more than me and they're doing more things that I would want to do. I then remind myself I have to enter into the presence of God. This is all part of renewing our mind, enter back into the word of God and remember why I'm significant because of the God who created me. My significance not found in possessions or in what other people are doing, but in who God has made me to be. And that's what Asaph does to remind himself. It's what we have to do, I think, and what I do, but I think it's what we all have to do over and over again. We have to re-enter the presence of God because it grounds us back into the reality of where our significance truly comes from and and uh puts us outside of that performance trap and puts us outside of that culture of comparison, and more importantly, gives us the freedom to bring other people along with us because we get to have conversations where significance is the starting point. asking those who you are questions instead of what you do questions. So we get to bring other people with us. When we find our source of significance, we can point other people to it as well. And I think Psalm 73 is a great, a great place to be reminded of that. So I'm pretty sure that all of us listening will be in Psalm 73 tonight. So that was a really compelling relook at that chapter. when I was pondering where to go, you know, there's a number of passages we could go to and I kept going back to Ephesians where um we're talking about we are God's workmanship, his poem or however you say that, we're his poem, we're his, we're his masterpiece, depending on the translation you have. Created in Christ Jesus for good works that he created in eternity past for us to walk in. And uh my youngest daughter was in youth group one uh when she was in high school and she came running in the door one night and she goes, Mom, Ephesians 2 10. And I'm like, I love that verse. It's one of my life verses. And she goes, No, did you get the order of it? I'm like, the the order. And they had walked through the order. And I think it just is worth a pause to say, in eternity past. The Godhead is writing the plan of salvation for the ages. And he lay, they lay out the plan and they create the good works for the ages. And then he chose you to walk in these. And he chose you to walk in these. And he gave me some to walk in. And when we feel the weight of this is the good works, God's rescue plan for the ages, for all nations, all tribes, and people. And this is my piece. It takes the comparison piece out and it changes the conversation, not to look what I can do. But the question at the end of the night that I should have asked myself on the LinkedIn day was: was I faithful today? Yeah. Was I faithful? Not what did I accomplish, but was I faithful to the good works that God gave me to walk in today? And I think if we would train ourselves. And even train our children to be able in our families to be able to walk in that. Even employees, if you're if you have employees at work to go, hey, were we faithful today? And then we rest in peace because we serve one audience. And that's the gut that says, Well done, good and faithful. Not good, well done. Oh, look at all you produced. Well done, good and faithful servant. You did. You were faithful to what we were given. And I think there's something here for us to hang on to. Yeah, absolutely. I love those I love those verses as as well. And and you've said often it's not it's not who did I outperform today, it's was I faithful today. And I think that's a great juxtaposition to kind of ask at the end of the day. Because again, it's was I faithful to the God that that I serve and the God that I love. Because if I view myself the way he views me, then it's completely different than if I start looking at others and how am I and who am I outperforming. to be viewed as successful or significant a according to culture. It reminds me of a book that that Josh McDowell wrote, because he wrote a book called See Yourself as God Sees You. Oh good one. Yeah, many oldie but goodie. It it it is an oldie and it is a goodie. It's just as significant. In fact I would say it's ahead of its time. or that Josh tended to be, yes. Yeah, he did. so and you can still get that book. You can go to Sightline Ministry.org slash store, get a search for highly recommend it. God sees you and and and pop yeah great book to read, great book to give. But amazing set of reminders of who it is that we are in the eyes of God, where we find our significance, and grounding ourselves back into this, it's our faithfulness to God and the ability to be faithful that He gives us that matters. Exactly. Not how am I outperforming others around me and how am I comparing myself. And again, it invites us to the opportunity to bring others along to the true source of significance as well. So there's a couple of takeaways here that I think are important. we're at that part of the show. We are at the at that part. And I think it's I think it's incredibly important to remember what this world is and where things are are headed. Like it's it's a things in this world, they fade away and they only lose value over time. They're they're temporary, they're often, especially in culture today, very anxiety-inducing. Right. And and they have an end point. Right. And it's really important to remember that when it comes to positions and it comes to power and it comes to possessions, all the things that we look at to compare ourselves with culture around us, that they have an an end point. And if we're not careful, we're gonna fall into that trap, that performance trap where my value equals my performance from other and plus other people's opinions. And all of a sudden, everybody is one of two things. They are either a contributor to me being better than other people or they're a competitor. That I need to get out of the way to be better than other people. And again, that may not be my intentionality, but it's how I'm going to function. If I allow myself to fall into this performance trap and to bring other people alongside of me into this performance trap and fall into that, what do you do as opposed to who you are? If I move more toward activity when I talk to people instead of identity when when I talk to people, if I fall into this culture of comparison and If we if we step out of that and remember where we are, then we can start to remember who we are and see ourselves as ambassadors and see ourselves as as exiles and we are to make the most of where we are, but for the purpose and for the glory of God, because He is where we get our significance. The end of the day, significance is only and always defined by God. It's unconditional, it's eternal. and it's anchored in who he is and his identity. And if my identity comes from his identity, then I can always be satisfied with who I am because I'm always his. that's really good. When you were talking about things that fade so quickly and the things we put so much effort and time trying to go after, I'm just reminded I heard a pastor say years ago, and you know how things stick in your it, they just are sticky. Um, but he said, for what there's only three things that you will take into eternity with you. Your relationship with the Lord, the word of God, and other people. And when we make those the priorities of our lives, it helps realign what is eternal versus those things that are so big right now, but they're so fleeting and momentary. That's not my takeaway, by the way, though. That was free. It was free. a takeaway, I just want to say we're talking about success. And I think it's important that we just hit pause here and say the Lord gave each of us good works to walk in. Yeah. And if you are wildly successful, that is a gift from God, and use it for his glory. We need people at every single space along the line. We need strong believers from places of you know, Fortune 100 companies. All the way down to entry level positions. Wherever you find yourself, be all to the glory of God, wherever you are. Walk in the good works God prepared for you to do and go as far as you can until you have to sell yourself out, your family or your faith. And that's where you get off the ladder. And so I just want us to say we are not anti-success. Scripture is full of people who were wildly successful and full of people who had different. callings, whatever your calling is, do it well, be faithful, and do it all for the glory of God. So I think that's in that's important that we say, and my conclusion, I just want us to remember, was I faithful today? Did I walk in the good works God prepared? And if you're having trouble ending the day with that, maybe start the day with that. And your time with the Lord saying, hey, here I am. Use me today. Help me not miss a moment that you've prepared for me. To walk in. And I think that just helps us realign the day in a fresh, meaningful way that can be held to a different standard. Was I faithful? Then I rejoice in all of my LinkedIn friends or my Facebook friends or my Instagram friends and on and on. I can rejoice. And then because I'm not holding myself to that standard, I was faithful to what God gave me and I invested well in what He asked me to do today. So that's that's my big takeaway. That I think that's a phenomenal takeaway. And I I think we have a a final conclusion here of let's be counter-cultural in the best possible way. Culture is not only going through an era where they where there's a loss of significance. We see that with the rise of depression and anxiety and isolation in culture, but it's it's also a promotion of continual losing of significance. You're losing significance. Every time you can't compete and keep up with a cultural ideal.

And here's the problem: 23:17

you can never keep up with the cultural ideal. It's always going to be complex and changing and shifting and an impossible goal to reach, a ladder that just has more rungs on the every time you think you've reached the top, there's more rungs. Let's be counter-cultural by stepping out of that and reminding ourselves where significance comes from, and then bringing people. into that by first remembering their significant because of who they are. Yes. And then helping them to see that by asking those identity questions, moving away from activity so that we can actually speak into their lives, affirm their significance, and then point them as well, whether it's pointing them to the first time of where significance is found, or whether it's just reminding them you are anchored in the identity of of God. And I think that's a great, a, a great final takeaway and I think wraps up our podcast for today. I do. I agree. So if you are challenged by any of this, or if you know someone who might need to hear this, please share it with them and perhaps walk through it themselves and by asking questions that are curious and insightful. It's a great way to open spiritual conversations. Thanks for joining us on the In & For podcast and we'll see you next month.