EP #15 How To Own Your Full Confidence - The mistake you could be making that is keeping you "playing small"

If you are ready to own your full confidence - This is for you. 

This one started as a stream of consciousness and turned into one of the most honest conversations yet — because sometimes the thing you need to say most is the thing you've been too afraid to say out loud.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why "fake it till you make it" actually has more merit than you think — and what we get wrong about it
• The real difference between confidence and arrogance (hint: it's not what most people think)
• Why the things that trigger you in other people are always — always — about what's going on inside you
• How your entire world is a mirror of your internal state of being
• Why holding back your confidence isn't humility — it's fear in disguise
• How self-awareness becomes the most powerful tool you have for getting what you want

If you've ever shrunk yourself down because you didn't want to seem like too much — this episode is going to call you out. With love. Because someone has to.

Mentioned in this episode

The One Degree Shift — live keynote event, April 1st 2026 - https://www.facebook.com/kindylkeeton

"Nobody is judging you but you. And if you think someone else is judging you — remember, you are their mirror."

Resources mentioned:
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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Change doesn't start with what you do. Change starts with who you are. I'm your host, Kendall Keaton, and this is the Identity Advantage.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

So I'm not sure where this conversation is going to go today, but there's something I really want to share. This might be a little bit of a stream of consciousness sort of episode, but sometimes, sometimes those are really powerful. I don't normally script verbatim at all what I'm going to talk about, but I normally have a little bit of an outline, at least of where I want to go. And I'm just warning you, I don't have that today. I just feel really strongly about something and have for the past couple days, and you are going to get the raw version. I'm speaking uh this coming Wednesday, which actually at the time of the recording of this would be tomorrow if you're listening to this on the day I released this. This kept coming up when I was like rehearsing the talk, and I can't get it in the talk. There's just not enough time, but it has got to come out of me, and people need to hear this. So you're gonna get to hear it here. One thing that I talk about a lot is that everything we believe is the cause of everything that we do. And everything we do is the cause of everything that we get. Therefore, you get what you believe. So I know, and we know that we have to believe that things are going to work out okay, right? We have to believe that we are capable of doing anything. And this is where I get tripped up is saying, I can do anything. I can do anything I put my mind to. I have no problem telling anybody else that. Confidence is knowing that it might not work out the first time, but be willing to fail in public and do it again. But you have to have a level of confidence to tell people what you're doing, to be authentically you and go after your goals and act like and talk like they have already happened when they haven't yet. And when I do this, every time I do this, one of the thoughts that jumps up into my head is that people are going to think you're a little overly confident. How can you tell someone? How can you act as act as if, right? Fake it till you make it, if you will, which by the way has merit. That phrase actually gets a really bad rap and sometimes will keep people from acting as if, act as if it has already happened, right? That is, to a certain extent, faking it till you make it. I can slap myself on my own wrist on this one because I wrote a blog post not too long ago about that phrase. And I guess it was a while back, but that we're not here to fake anything. And we aren't. I want you to actually feel it. But sometimes at first, it feels in contradiction when you are trying to think a thought and feel a thought that you're not used to feeling. And your body and your brain kind of fight back because it doesn't like things that are different than what you're used to. And what was holding me up was that on occasion, when I really know that I have to go out there and act in the confidence of someone who is, I have to act in the confidence of my future self. The person who is me, my the version of me two years from now has accomplished things that I have not yet done. Therefore, they have a confidence level that I do not yet have. But I have to adopt that confidence level in every single thing I do. And there is a fear inside of me that that is going to come out and appear cocky and arrogant. When somebody says, what if it doesn't work out? And I go back and say, that's not an option, it is going to work out. I know it's going to work out because I know that I am capable of doing this. I know that nothing is going to stop me. I know that I will make it work out no matter what. Those words have to come out of my mouth and I have to believe them. But yet there's a fear that when I do that, people are going to say, Well, well, isn't she full of herself? And that is one of the only things that ever really holds me back from exuding the confidence that I need to exude to accomplish the things that I want to accomplish. I have a very big aversion. Like that is something when I see in people, if I look at someone and I feel like they are arrogant, I do have a reaction to that. And I have to go introspective and look at that version of myself. The only reason I see arrogance in somebody else is because I'm scared of being arrogant myself. I'm holding myself back because I'm scared of appearing arrogant. So when I see somebody else who has the audacity to come out and just say they can do anything, I see arrogance, not necessarily because the person is arrogant. That's not up for me to judge. The only reason I see that in somebody else is because I'm scared that I am. And I hold myself back from embracing my full confidence because I'm worried it's going to come out as arrogance. If you feel that, if you are worried about ever coming over over overly confident, if you are super attached to being humble, and there is merit in being humble too. I'm not saying do not be humble. There is nothing I do that I could actually do on my own. There is help all around me. But if we get too attached to being a humble person and always giving credit to everyone else, and never, even just internally and to yourself, taking credit for the things that you've accomplished. If we get too attached to being humble, and if we redefine humility, it's just giving credit where credit is due. And you deserve some credit too. That's not cockiness, that is not arrogance. You can be humble and confident at the same time. But if I am going to fully embody the future me and the version of me that I want to become, and there will always be a future me, there were there will always be a next level to whatever it is that I want to accomplish. If you want to embody the future you, we have to embody the confidence that they have. And that is going to entail a certain risk, a certain thought in our head that if I just announce this thing like it's already done, even though it's not, two things. Am I going to appear overly confident and am I going to be embarrassed if it doesn't work out? And in response to the latter of those, like, am I going to be embarrassed if it doesn't work out? The only way the thing that you want to do does not work out is if you just quit trying. And as far as appearing overly confident, I have two options, I feel like, in that arena. I can go ahead and risk being overly confident or called overly confident, or I can risk being underconfident. And the thing is, is I know the result of both of those things. I know what happens when I get too afraid of being called cocky and I hold myself back. And I know the result of when I go in and I risk being overly confident. When I let the fear of appearing arrogant hold me back, I talk differently, I show up differently, and I stay smaller. I don't say things that I want to say. I shrink a little bit. When I go ahead and say, you know what, it's all right if I appear overly confident, I'm just going to do this anyway. I get shit done. Things change. I change. We have to stop giving a shit what somebody else is going to say about the things we say and the things that we do. Anything somebody else says, anything somebody else thinks, it is only ever about them. Anything that we hear is only ever about us. If somebody says something and you hear and you feel you have a reaction that they think I'm being cocky, check your own fears. That's not on them, that's on you. And I have to check it in myself too. When I make a judgment that someone's being overly confident, when I make a judgment that someone's being arrogant, I have to look back on me and say, whoa, what's making me say that? So if you are someone who has ever called somebody overly confident, if you look at someone and say they're really full of themselves, I think you need to look introspectively. I'm just going to call you out on your bullshit because I have to call myself out on mine all the freaking time. There's no shame in it. Every single one of us has looked at someone and said, they are really full of themselves. We have to look inside ourselves and say, why am I seeing that? Your entire world is a mirror of what's going on inside of you. If we really want to become self-aware, the greatest tool at our disposal is just to look at the world around us and say, What judgments am I making about the world and about other people? Because that's what's going on inside of you. Look at the judgments that you're making and say, why do I feel that inside of me? What's going inside inside of me that is making me judge this person in this way? And it does pull up some painful things. We are not perfect. We all have ugly inside of us. We all have things inside of us that we don't like. But they don't go away when you ignore them. They only actually project more. It's like when we ignore those things inside of ourselves that need attention, the universe is like, well, I guess I'm gonna have to throw more of it in your face so that you start paying attention. The world outside of us almost gets a little uglier, right? That mirror, we start seeing more of what we don't want to see because we're ignoring it inside of ourselves. And that higher version of you is just trying really hard to get your attention. When you see something in somebody else that you don't much care for, do yourself a favor and find out why you're seeing that. I have this when I see people being judgmental about somebody else, it really triggers me hard. And I have to stop myself and say, you just judge somebody for judging. I mean, think about it when you say, oh my gosh, they are such a judgmental person. We're judging them when we say that. And I've said it, I've said it recently. And I'll probably say it again because I'm human. We're not going to fix every single thing we want to fix because it's not like we need fixed. Just become more aware about how what you're seeing in others is actually something that's going on inside of you. Your entire world is a mirror of your internal state of being. This is how we coach ourselves. It's how we are supposed to guide ourselves, it's how we're supposed to be our own guru. I have been so worried lately about appearing cocky when I speak that I was actually holding stuff out of my talks that really needed to be in there. I was doing everyone in the audience a massive injustice because I was scared of what they might think about how I was acting and about what I was saying and what that might mean about me. The impact of what we say is none of our business. We have got to be authentically us. Stand in our confidence and say what we need to say and do what we need to do. Anything that anybody hears, anything that they perceive from that is 100% about them and it is not our responsibility, and we have to let that go. But on the same token, when somebody says something to us, what you hear and how you feel and how you perceive that has nothing to do with them and has everything to do with you. Nobody is judging me but me. Nobody is judging you but you. Because if you think you are being judged by someone else, remember, you are their mirror. They're really just judging themselves. We're all out here just judging ourselves and getting mad at everyone else for being judgmental. And there's no blame here and there's no shame here. There's only just awareness. Just be aware of it so that we can try to catch it when it happens and do less of it. And just by doing that, we show up more as us. And that confidence will come naturally and it will start to feel a little less arrogant, a little less judgy, a little less whatever. Now, I really thought that this conversation was going in a different direction than where it went because I really do want to discuss what it means, what the difference is between being confident and being arrogant. Arrogant is thinking you are better than someone else. Confidence just means you believe you are worth whatever you want to accomplish. You are worthy, you are worth it, you are capable, but you can think that, and you can think the other person is too. I don't think I am more capable than anything that anybody else is capable of. I don't think I'm worth anything more. I think we are all worthy. We are all worth way more than we give ourselves credit for. Arrogance is thinking that you are and somebody else isn't. That is arrogance. But somebody who feels like they are not worthy, like they are less than, will perceive your confidence as arrogance because they don't think they're worthy. It's a perception they're having of themselves. You are their mirror, showing them what they lack, and they will judge you for it. But that doesn't mean you are. If you believe that you are capable of anything you put your mind to, but you also believe that everyone out there is capable of that same thing if they just did it, you're not arrogant. You're confident and you're supportive of others. Now, if you think that you're the only one that can do what you're doing and that you are better than everyone else at it, and that nobody else could be as good as you are, then you might do an arrogance check. But going after what you want and believing that you can have it and that you have the skills and you have having the audacity to go after what you want and believe that you are capable of it is confidence when you are supporting others and telling them that they are capable as well. Know the difference and see the world and see others as your mirror, and be glad when you see something in somebody else that triggers because that triggers you, because it's your inner guide saying, Hey, work on this too. And it will make you even stronger, it will make you even better, it will make you even more capable and more capable of helping others. Self-awareness is the key to getting everything you want, to being as happy as you want to be. And the way you become self-aware is to know that everything that you s perceive, everything that you see, everything that you hear is a reflection of your inner state of being. When you believe in the good in yourself, you will see the good in other people. If you are still judging yourself for being an angry person, you're going to see anger in other people. You're going to attract some anger. And it's not that person. It's your inner guide, it is your higher self, it is source, it is the universe, it is God, if you will, saying, Hey, I'm trying to help you, so I'm trying to call this to your attention. I promise you, and you won't be able to do it all the time. I fall into this every single day. But I also every single night try to ask myself, where did I feel something that I didn't like today? What did when did I see something in somebody else that triggered me? When was I in a situation that I had some off-beat emotions? What might that mean about what I'm feeling and what I'm judging myself for? And do this with grace. Do this because you're just a human trying to be a better human. See the world as your mirror. Decide what it is that doesn't feel good that you're seeing in your situation and other people. And see, okay, where is that inside of me? How can I work on that inside of myself? That is the kind of self-awareness that makes a good leader, that makes a good parent, that makes a good boss, that makes a good teacher, that makes a good student, that makes a good friend, that makes a good wife, that makes a good husband. The world is your mirror. Look at it, and then go internal. Don't be afraid of what you find. Celebrate whatever it is that you find. You find anger in there, be like, oh my gosh, I'm glad I found that. It was hiding under a rock, and here I am pulling it out so I can deal with it. Don't beat yourself up over what you find. You look in there and you're like, oh, I found some jealousy that I did not know was there. Thank God I found that so I can deal with it and improve this relationship with this person that I really care about. If you're struggling in a relationship right now, what are you seeing in them that is triggering you? Where is that inside of you? This will change everything if you will do this. Don't be afraid to own your confidence. This is where this all started from, honestly, was just that I could tell that I was had this worry and had this fear. I was having this arrogant, arrogant judgment come up. So I had to look and say, okay, why is this coming up inside of me? It's because I was scared to own my own confidence. I was scared of what other people were going to say about it. I had a fear of judgment. And the only reason I knew that is because I started noticing I was judging other people. And I had to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where am I judging myself at right now? Because this has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. And doing that is changing the things that I want to be able to say. And because of that, that's going to change everything that they hear. And if you are somebody who is local, if you're close to this area in Southeast Kansas, I am doing a talk Wednesday, April 1st at the time of recording. This is tomorrow. You can check the link in the show notes if you want to learn more about it. It's called the One Degree Shift. It's how one belief and small brave actions create massive change. And it's going to be amazing because I've decided it's going to be amazing. And I'm going to own the confidence that it takes to go up on that stage and make it amazing and make it impactful for everyone in that room. And everyone in that room will hear exactly what they need to hear to make themselves a better person, to make themselves just a better human being, to get them closer to where they want to be. No matter what it is that they hear, whether it's good or bad, it's going to be what they need to hear. Because that's how it works. We're all just out here trying to be better people, trying to be happier today than we were yesterday. And the world is giving us feedback on how to make that job easier, on how to get better at that, on how to get closer to what we want. And we need to spend less time judging what we see and going internally and saying, what does that mean about my journey? Where am I at? It's just letting you know where you are and what your next step is. Listen to it. Thank you so much for listening. And if something you heard today made an impact or changed the way you think somehow, then share it with somebody you care about. Because sometimes it's that one moment, that one An idea that changes everything. And until next time, remember, if you want to do something you've never done, you have to become someone you've never been. That is the identity advantage.