Ep: 97 Nikki Allen
[00:00:00] So today I have Nikki Allen with me. Nikki is the author of Loved You, hated You, a Bold and Emotionally Charged Novel inspired by Real life Heartbreak. What began as a song then evolved into a screenplay. It became a gripping work of fiction that explores betrayal, identity loss, and the power of choosing yourself.
Nikki writes with raw honesty and cinematic intensity, and today she's here to talk about the creative process, emotional healing, and the truths that fiction can reveal. So welcome, Nikki. Thank you. Thank you. So let's just kick off with your story. Nikki. Tell us about your journey and what's led you here today talking to me about creativity and healing.
Well, um, well first and foremost, I'm a singer songwriter. That's. That's my, my passion, my goal, my core, my everything. Okay. Um, and so many years ago I was, I found myself in an abusive relationship and, [00:01:00] you know, I have always been this strong-willed person. Mm-hmm. So to find myself. In that kind of vulnerable situation where I really couldn't get out, you know, um, it made me do what I call soul surgery to figure out, you know, how do I heal myself?
What is first and foremost, why am I still here? Why am I mm-hmm accepting this? Um, and then once I got out, 'cause I'm not one of those people that write through the pain, I can't do that. But after I got out mm-hmm. Um. I wrote the song, loved You, hated You. And the lyrics are, I loved you. I hated you, and now I'm releasing you.
Because I had finally gotten through that pro process. Um, but I loved the song and so much that I started envisioning something more creative with it, which is how I came up with the screenplay for it. Okay. Which we actually had, um, a development deal that fell through when COVID hit. Oh, okay. Yeah. [00:02:00] So then I get a call from Balboa Publishing and they're like, do you have, um, a book to release that, you know, we could publish?
Mm-hmm. And I did not, but I was like, I can turn that screenplay mm-hmm. Into a book. Mm-hmm. So that's, that's how we got here, so. Cool. I love that. That's so good. So, as you talked about, uh, creative Alchemy, how a song becomes a screenplay becomes a book. Mm-hmm. So tell us about your experience with, you know, one.
Creative idea morphing into another one? If I'm honest, it's, it's really not a morph for me. I think like when I write a song, I'm already visualizing the story. Okay. So it's just really just, it's all in one to me, it's a three in one. There's no, to me, it's not a separation. And I guess because initially when I went wanted to do film and film school, um.
It was really to do music videos [00:03:00] because songs are stories. Yes, and I visualize the story, you know, so that's why I say it's all the same. I remember when I was in high school. I'm telling my age, but before music, when music videos were kind of fresh and I was like, this is what I wanna do, I would have one friend come over, we'd put on headphones and listen to a song, and I, as the lyrics were going, I was describing.
What I saw visually. Okay. Okay. So that's really just, I see my kids get mad at me 'cause we'll be driving somewhere and I'm like, Ooh, look at that. That's a great, you know, location for this shot or that shot. Mm-hmm. Everything is just a story for me. Mm-hmm. So. So do you think that, you know, as you kind of went on a creative journey with it and it did turn into different things along the way, do you feel like that allowed you to go deeper, um, into the story?
Um, or do you think that they all kind of have a unique way of expressing the story? Do you know what I mean? Like is it depth [00:04:00] or expression? Yeah, I think it's more, I think it's just more. Different expressions? Yes. Okay. Yeah, I don't think it was a deeper meaning. Okay. Because the meaning is is really the same.
It's, it is, it's it's the same, but the expression is definitely different. Yes. Okay. That's really cool. Yeah. So, um, how has, you know, um, the process of following your creativity really helped you to heal and become more empowered in your story then? Um, I, for me, because. I'm just this creative person. I, I live in story.
I, I really do. I have to check myself like, am I okay? But everything's a story for me. So, you know, I, here, here's an interesting thing, and I just discovered this today. I had a, a, a period in my life recently for a few years, where I stopped listening to music. Okay. And it was just [00:05:00] because I was so stressed.
I had so much going on. I was getting frustrated with all the things that weren't happening. So I dropped music. My life literally went left. When I did that, I didn't clock it then Mm-hmm. But today, as I was really kind of thinking about that, I'm like, I really have to stay true to music because that is how I create, that is how I create exits for problems.
It is just mm-hmm. You know, I, I am able to. Envision things and music always helps. Um, there is a part two to Loved You, hated You. The book, the screenplay, um, and how I even came up with it, I wrote it in one night listening to one song mm-hmm. That had nothing to do with Loved You, hated You. But the song just made me feel some kind of way.
Okay. What I was able to express. That's that story. So I just, I just live in that and that is, that is how my [00:06:00] creativity is really how I, how I survived, how I live. Sure. It's like a creative spark almost, you know? It sparks something within you. So That's so powerful, isn't it? So cool. It is so powerful.
Yeah. And, and really that, you know, knowing yourself piece, you know, if you've. Turned music off, and then that's had a ripple effect into your life. Likewise, when you turn music on, you know, it has another ripple effect into your life, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Do you agree with that? Exactly. And you know, it's so funny because I, I had gone to see a therapist and she said to me, what do you do now that the music isn't working?
And I was just like, oh, that's a good question, but. Unfortunately she didn't under, she asked a very valid question, but she didn't understand how valid it was because she was looking at it, I think through a lens of very therapeutic, of course, but just, okay, so you usually deal with everything through music and now that's not working.
What are you gonna do? You know, kind of [00:07:00] like that instead of really understanding what music meant to me. Mm-hmm. You know, because it's, that's, that was what, four years ago, and I'm figuring it out. Why, you know, but had she been more tapped into me and understood my journey musically or just sound or creativity, I think I probably would've come through this sooner.
Yeah, because so sometimes when you resist that, you know, the music or the creative outlet that you are, you know, that has really helped you in the past. When you resist it, it's actually. Um, resistance, um, you know, and a deeper, more personal level. You know, there's something else that's kind of not right in your life, like you're finding it difficult to face your truth or something like that.
Yes, yes. And that's why you turn the music off because you know it's going to, um, open you up and keep you vulnerable, um mm-hmm. You know, and exploring it and sometimes it's uncomfortable. Right. Would you agree with that? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I totally agree with you. Yeah. [00:08:00] So you talk about turning pain into creative power.
Tell us about what you really mean by that. Um hmm. Every song that's a deep one. Um, pretty much every, I'll, I'll, I'll say with relationships because most of my songs are about bad relationships. Okay. And every song that I've written has a name on it. There's a guy's name attached to it. Yeah. Like I said, I don't write during the pain, I write after, and that's when it's like I've done all my exercises and I'm feeling strong, and then I can, and I can tell you about it, but I think.
At that point, at that juncture, when I'm strong enough to tell you about it, I'm telling it from a place of power. Mm-hmm. And trying to empower. Mm-hmm. As opposed to writing and woe is me, you know? And I think part of that is my ego. I don't want anybody to ever see that part of me, you know? Yeah. [00:09:00] Let me get through this.
And then I can tell you how bad it was. And the woe is me. I want to tell you about the WO is me. I don't want you to experience it with me. Yeah, that's pretty cool. I like that. Yeah. So, so why do you think then, like the creative process and the music for you and the storytelling, why do you think that holds so much transformative power?
You know, and really. Elevates your life experience as you work through the pain after the fact. I don't have an answer for that one. Okay. It's, it's a spiritual situation. Okay. I really do. Music for me and the whole creative process, it's all really just very spiritual because of the. The way it hits me, the way, you know, I hear an I, I said this to someone, I said, I sometimes hear music and I just wanna jump in that one note.
Like that one note just does something to me. Mm-hmm. I can't explain. It's, that's a very spiritual. Thing. You know, like I, and you know, I know a lot of musicians and they're good musicians, but they don't feel it that [00:10:00] way. Okay? I, I really embody music and it really, you know, when I, whenever I write whatever, I'm gonna have my headphones on and let the music transform whatever comes out.
So in a, on a spiritual level then, do you think that in some capacity, you know, the music or the lyrics or the, the beat or the rhythm or whatever it is, do you think that's actually being channeled, um, through you by, you know, something bigger than you? You know, is that, is that real for you? Yeah. Oh, that is so real because we, I just had this conversation with somebody the other day.
Um. I always felt guilty writing songs. I'm more of a lyricist. I don't mm-hmm. Really sit down and, and come up with the music, but if, yeah, what usually happens, someone will send me some music and I always feel guilty because when I hear it, I'm literally trying to keep up with my brain. Writing down the lyrics.
Okay. I'm not sitting there like, well, this should be, this should be. I already hear it. I, I feel mm-hmm. I'm like, I'm decoding it and, [00:11:00] and just trying to write and hurry up pen, you know, because it, it goes so fast. So I, I definitely think it's definitely a, a, a spiritual. Mm-hmm. Uh. Something coming in, because I'm not, I'm really not listening to it.
Oh, we should write about this. It literally, the song sings to me and I, and I just write it back. And I remember the first time that happened, I felt so, like, you all don't hear that. Like, it was so loud and obvious to me. The song was called so Unsure, and I, when the guy played it, I, I felt like this is out, right?
Like, somebody already did this. It was just so loud, you know? Wow. And then when I wrote it, it was just, oh, everybody's like, oh my God. I'm like, yeah. 'cause I, it seems like it was out. Maybe it was out in another, another lifetime. I don't know. But it was just so obvious to me. And so that's really why I say the spiritual layer to it is I don't, it's not me.
Yeah. I'm channeling something, somebody I don't [00:12:00] know. So cool. I love it. So I also love how you talk about exploring real emotions through fiction. So first, the first question is then how much of your book or your, your, um, screenplay is based on facts and how much is based on fiction? What's the balance?
Um, the story itself is not my story. The feelings and the things that that character Gabby goes through is a hundred percent of everything that I felt. Mm-hmm. Um, it it, and I wanted to kind of deep dive into why. People in domestic violence or the, the, the ones being abused, stay, you know? Mm-hmm. We just had this whole thing here with, uh, Diddy and Cassie.
Mm-hmm. You know, this, the songwriter. Mm-hmm. Mogul, Sean Diddy, Combs, um, and he had this girlfriend, Cassie, that everybody's like, why did she stay? You know, we saw the, we saw the video of [00:13:00] her beat, of him beating her and all this, and, mm-hmm. The horrible things he's done, and all we could hear was, well, why did she stay?
She could have left, she did leave. Why did she go back? And so the book kind of. Shows, I hope. Why? Actually, a professor told me I, I did the charm harm perfectly. So, um, but I want people to see how it's not that easy when they show you such an amazing side. That's the side you hold onto, you know? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then. And then you kind of excuse the bad. Mm-hmm. And that, so that's kind of the story and, and this guy that is abusing this beautiful woman, he's beautiful too. Yeah. And he's just got this dark side. So, you know, I hope I'm setting it up, you know, as to why we stay. Because there's another guy that enters this story that wants to save her, that wants to rescue her.
But she's not leaving this and he's not understanding the why. So they actually [00:14:00] have that conversation, which I hope opens some people's eyes as to the why. Mm-hmm. But the flip side of that, the best part, the part that I love most is that it is a beautiful love story at the end of the day. Mm-hmm. And I want people to know that, you know, you can still find love and that love is real, you know, but it doesn't necessarily look like that.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So I love the idea of almost, you know, reframing or rewriting the narrative of your experiences so that you can, um, almost express them in like, uh, a pure kind of the. Exploring the depth and, and the, the realness and the rawness of the emotions you experience, but, you know, conveying them to, to the reader, you know, in a, in a really, um, profound way.
But then on the flip side of that, also to kind of empower and uplift your, the experiences, you know, so [00:15:00] like rewriting the narrative so that you can then, you know, really get into the. The emotional, you know, um, truth behind it. Mm-hmm. So tell us a bit about how you feel about that in terms of rewriting or exploring your emotions through another story.
You know, tell us about that. Well, I mean. First of all, I didn't wanna tell my story because mine was a lot worse than her. Okay. I mean, okay. The guy came after me with a gun. That's what I kind of mean, like cutting the stuff out that doesn't need to be there because you want to convey something specific, you know, in terms of, you know, like you said, like the beauty in both of the characters rather than it just all being sort of negative and bad.
Yeah. So, so beautiful. Yeah. I just, I just wanted, you know, I wanted to, um, if, if I would've told my story with that, this ending, I don't think the reader would believe it. Okay. Even though, [00:16:00] okay. Even though it's very possible for that to happen, because it did happen to me, yes. But the average person would be like.
Are you serious? Like there's just no way. Yes. You know, so, but I wanted to, to deliver like, this is serious and it does happen where enough, where people can go, okay, I get it. That's what we want. Yes, we, yeah, that's it. I get it. Mm-hmm. You know, because they wouldn't have got it with my story, like. Girl. No, it's too out there.
Too out there. But with her, you know, it's like, oh, okay, yeah, I get it. I get it. Yeah. So it was, you know, that I had to flip it like that. Yeah. Okay. That's beautiful. And I guess then that's quite a cathartic process because you can kind of almost like get through the weeds, you know, and the stuff that doesn't need to be there in order for you to really.
You know, explore the emotion and the truth and the beauty, so. Mm-hmm. That's so powerful. I really love that. And, [00:17:00] and actually, I, I did cut one part out of the movie that's actually in the screenplay and I was talking it over with my daughter 'cause I'm like, in real life, I don't think people would accept any kind of redemption from this abusive character.
Mm-hmm. Because. I, I did. I want, what I really also want to show is that he's human too. He's flawed. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And to go deeper into his why, you know? Yes, yes. Um, as opposed to if had, had it been so traumatic, they wouldn't have cared, the reader wouldn't have cared about his why. So yes. I just wanted to, you know, keep it because.
At the end of the day, the person that that abused me, we're still, I'll say friends. Mm-hmm. We're still some trillion years later. Mm-hmm. So, and he is, he is definitely not that same person he was back then. Sure. Mm-hmm. You know, so I [00:18:00] always wanna keep some sort of redemptive factor in the charact. Yeah.
That's so cool. And ultimately he's on his own journey, right? So maybe, yes. The journey with you, um, as part of his story was part of his wake up call or his evolution as a human. So, so powerful. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, definitely. Cool. So for all the women who are curious about using creativity to heal and empower themselves, what powerful message or question would you like to leave them with today?
Do it. Hello, dude, look, if you get one person to, to, to, to buy your, your book or mm-hmm. You know, get a wonderful podcast interview, then you're doing something. I, I, my, my goal is if I can just. Reach one person. Yeah, I think I something. Well, right? Mm-hmm. You know, and, and, and I've had a couple people that have read the book just like, oh my gosh, this, [00:19:00] this is amazing.
Like, they fell in love. They were mad, they were cheering, they were ready to beat 'em up. Like it, it's all over. So, you know, if, if it's something that, um. You feel you need to get out there, please do it. Just do it. Just do it. And what Nike said, just do it. So listen to them. Just do it. Yeah, just do it. I think, I think you know it, uh, it, what they say is what the, the, the thing you want most is on the other side of fear.
So get through the fear and, and do it. That's so cool like that. So, so how can people get to know you better, Nikki, and get a real feel for the work that you're doing? Yes, so they can reach me @officialnikkiallen.com. N-I-K-K-I-A-L-L-E-N. Um, and that has absolutely everything I'm doing. Or if they're just interested in the, the podcasts and the book itself, they can go to [00:20:00] nikkiallen.com.
Awesome. Thank you so much for coming and chatting with me today, Nikki. Loved our conversation. Thank you. Same. Same.
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