Today, I want to share with you the number one observation my clients have after they take the plunge on making a big life change. 

And that observation is: 

I wish I had done this sooner.

I wish I had made this change sooner.

I wish I hadn’t spent so much time deliberating whether I should make this change or not.

I wish I had trusted my gut– it would have saved me so much heartache, indecision, and stress.

Most of my clients end up saying something along these lines, and most of the time, it’s pretty immediate. They leave a job they knew wasn’t right for them, and they feel a HUGE wave of relief that they got out. Or they love their new adventure so much that they can’t believe they wasted so much time wondering whether the transition would be worth it or not.

This is very, very common in my practice, but somehow, knowing this doesn’t easily translate into making big changes any easier on the front end.

Let’s explore why it’s so hard to see the potential benefits (even the LIKELY benefits) of making a big change before we do it. 

Why do we do this? 

Well, We come by it honestly.

1. What’s called Loss aversion bias:

It’s a cognitive bias that describes why we tend to be more focused on avoiding the discomfort associated with loss rather than focusing on gaining something positive. Roughly translated, that means we take greater pains to avoid loss than to bring about positive change, even if the outcomes are roughly equivalent, EVEN if the potential gains outweigh the loss.  (Kahneman & Tversky)

Kahneman and Tversky literally wrote the book on this.

The classic example used to illustrate this concept is losing $20 from your purse or pocket versus finding $20 on the street. You’re more likely to feel SHITTIER about LOSING $20 that you already had than gaining $20 that you previously didn’t. You’ll likely put that $20 in your pocket and forget about it, but the loss of that $20 will haunt you, it will bug you for a while. 

Logically it doesn’t seem to make sense, but

When it comes to making a big change, you are likely to put up with a BUNCH of shit to avoid the discomfort and potential risk of making a change. For example:  

• You may hate your job with the fiery passion of a thousand wet, pissed off cats. You know it’s not going to offer you the growth opportunity you desire, the working conditions you need, the culture you thrive in, etc, etc.  but it is secure and stable. 
  • Making a change w/r/t making a change in your job or career will FEEL risky and super scary–even if you KNOW you would be far better off elsewhere than where you currently are. It’s the devil you know. 
• You may know deep in your heart that it’s not going to work out with a romantic partner, but loss aversion keeps you in an unhealthy relationship for far too long.
• You know you need to quit drinking, but you are afraid of losing your social life and friends–even though sobriety is what your body needs and your highest self wants for you, making that change is fucking hard because it feels like a loss.

It’s not just avoidance of loss in terms of stability and security, though. 

Sometimes, much of what you fear LOSING goes far deeper than that. You fear losing your very identity, and who you have become. 

Consider the young professional who knows she needs to cut back on her drinking. What was a relatively normalized behavior in college is now quickly becoming a professional liability, and she knows it. But she’s afraid of losing friends, of losing her identity as the “fun one” or the one who’s always down to have a good time. Her entire social calendar is built around drinking, and she can’t really imagine a life without it–even as she wants to. She can only see the LOSS, and it’s much harder to see the GAIN.

Another factor that weighs in on this equation to defer or delay making a needed change is the sunk cost fallacy, which is something I talked about in an earlier episode.

Often, clients have worked very long and hard to get where they are. They’ve spent their time, effort, and energy over long periods of time to create a career or life that they thought they wanted. And they don’t want to “waste” it, or “start over.” This is really another form of loss aversion.

Loss aversion can keep us stuck for a VERY long time. 

Personally, I considered quitting my 9-5 corporate research career for YEARS before I actually did. I was afraid of stepping away from the career and professional reputation I’d worked so hard–for over a decade–to craft. I was afraid of losing professional connections, and of suddenly becoming out of the loop. 

But frankly, I was MOST afraid of people talking shit about my new career path. I had a lot of shame around “just being” a coach. 

But I will never forget the feeling I had after my first session with a client as a full-time coach. I felt energized. Lit up. Lucky. Grateful. IT FELT RIGHT. I’ll also never forget what I said to my husband after: “I can’t believe I get to do this now–I wish I’d done this sooner.”

So, this is how I would coach a client (or my former self) on this now.

I would invite you to think about what you will gain by making this change, rather than focusing on what you will lose. 

We can overcome the loss aversion bias, by intentionally focusing on the gain. 

Here are some Examples.

If you want to do something else career-wise, maybe you default to “I have spent so much time developing this career,”  which is framing the change as a loss.

Instead, I want you to think about how much more time you’d get to spend doing what lights you up and is in your zone of genius if you made this change. YOur past is passed. You still have the opportunity to do something you love with your time, potentially for the rest of your life..

Example: Rather than focusing on how you might lose friendships and not have any social things to do on the weekends if you stop drinking, but you’ll gain clarity, health, and a new set of friends that actually support your new way of life. (Which is invaluable.)

Change IS loss. BUT most of the time, it’s loss of shit we didn’t need, or that wasn’t serving our best interest.

You can’t hold on to the status quo that you want to change, AND ALSO have space for all the spectacular things that could replace it. You have to let it go.

So I’ll leave you with this question to chew on:

What could be possible for you if you accept the loss of shit you don’t need? What gain would become available to you instead?

I hope that this episode has been insightful and helpful to you in your own change journey.