The Desire Experiment

What if the most effective financial strategy isn't a budget? What if it was desire?

This week, I ran an experiment. Every financial decision I made, I asked myself one question first: do I actually want this?

Not should I want it. Not is it in the budget. Just... do I?

What I found was counterintuitive and genuinely useful.

In this episode:
- Why there are three kinds of desire (and only one of them is actually yours)
- The lunch I skipped, the dinner I went to anyway, and the iced tea that changed how I think about spending
- Why forbidden things feel more urgent than they are, and what happens when you stop making them forbidden
- The one-purchase experiment you can try this week

Turns out, tuning into what you actually want isn't indulgent. It might be the most honest money move you make.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Alright, guys, I did something a little weird this week, and I am so excited to share it with you. I decided that for every financial decision I made this week, I was going to stop and ask myself one question. Do I actually want this? Not should I want this? Not is this in my budget? Not what would the responsible thing to do be, but actually truly, do I want this? Lunch, coffee, shopping, really anything that I did this week. And what I found surprised me, not in like a woo-woo kind of way, but in like a very practical way. So I'm excited to share with you guys my little experiment, my do I want this experiment, and what actually ended up happening by today, the end of the week. It's Friday. T G I F So just to start out, just to rewind a bit, there's more than one kind of desire, right? We think about desire, we think about what we want, um, and it seems like it's either we want something or we don't, but that's not actually true. There are different desires, and some of them might be fooling you. So the first desire I want to talk about are true desires, the real things that we actually want. These come from inside of us, and they're very specific. They are kind of constant in our lives. We desire, you know, friendships and love and peace. We, you know, we desire whatever the things are that are specific to you that you desire. They don't kind of come and go, they're not fleeting, they're the things that we actually really truly want. So for the rest of the episode, I'm gonna be calling these true desires. The second type of desire is a little bit sneaker. It's a little sneaky. I I call this type of desire imposed desires. Now, these are not things that we really truly desire, but these are kind of the things that society has decided for us that we desire, and then therefore they kind of get stuck in our head until maybe we get them, and then immediately they almost stop providing any kind of real value or support to us. So I'm talking about things like the kinds of things you might see in an Instagram ad, like a cool laptop sleeve that I was looking at the other day, or those sheer tights that are over leggings, so you can wear them in the winter, but it looks like you're just wearing tights. Like those types of things where it's like before you saw that ad, you weren't like, I really need this thing, but then you see the ad and all of a sudden the desire kicks in, and it's kind of like somebody else has decided that that's the desire for you. They're, you know, you can't get away from them. They're just a product of living in a consumer culture like the one that we do. And they're designed to feel like they're actually your desire. It's, you know, you probably heard all of these stories about products and positioning and, you know, creating a product and then letting people, not letting people, but really like almost deciding for people that this is something that they need. And then people respond by saying, Oh my gosh, that's something that I need. And then all of a sudden a new product market is formed. And these types of desires is, you know, you you don't buy them because you need them, you buy them because you want to buy something. And this just happens to be the thing that is present in front of you in the moment. A lot of the time when we actually buy the thing, um, it it's the type of thing that goes to the back of your closet or the bottom of a drawer, or you use it for a little bit and then you kind of forget about it. These are called imposed desires. So I'm also guilty of this for sure. Uh, water bottles, like I have water bottles, obviously, but a new water bottle comes out, and I'm like, oh, it turns out I want that kind of water bottle. Like, no, I probably didn't actually want it before that water bottle came out, but sure, great, I'll buy it, and then it'll go into my little water bottle cabinet and then until the next water bottle comes along. So we're all guilty of this. And you know, again, it's not like there's anything wrong or bad here. I'm just just saying facts, y'all. Um and then the third kind of desires are I kind of I call them the forbidden fruit desires or borrowed desires. There's actually a technical name for them. Imbued desires? I don't know. That that might be wrong. I don't think that's right. But there's a there's like a real word for them. And these types of desires are the ones that actually feel like they're the most urgent, but they're the least real. These are the desires we have because something feels off limits. And this is a conversation I've had with so many clients because you know, people think that either they're spending too much or like they, you know, they have a problem. And really, it's these kind of forbidden fruit desires that lead to people spending more than they actually want to be spending, feeling guilty about consumption purchases, things like that. So these borrowed desires are like the fourth cookie, right? Like you normally don't eat sweets, and then someone brings cookies, and instead of just having uh one cookie, you want a second and a third, and it you know, you you've decided in your brain that this thing is off limits, and then therefore your body's trying to compensate by being like, well, eat as much as you can right now because you're never gonna have this again. Um and I don't know about you guys, but I am like a natural-born rebel. I have always been rebellious. I was the high schooler who was like sneaking out, you know, in the middle of the night to go hang out with my friends. Um it's just who I am. I've I've come to accept this rebellious nature of mine. And I notice that a lot of my own desires are kind of like in this rebellion state of mind where it's like, I don't really want the thing, but I know I'm not supposed to have the thing. And so therefore I'm going for it. It's like what okay, so I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but whenever my husband travels for work, I I used to just like stay up late watching bad TV. And it was this like little act of rebellion, like, oh, I know I'm supposed to go to bed early, but my husband's out of town, so I'm gonna stay up late and watch bad TV. And I've talked to friends about this, and they also say that they do the same thing. Um, but it really is this like little bit of rebellion. A friend of mine told me, she's like, just go to bed on time and you'll feel so much better. And I was like, I'm gonna try it. And I did it. And she was right. I I did feel so much better. I I know I was a better parent, whatever. Um, but that little bit of rebelliousness is hard to kind of get by. Um, so okay, the psychological term for this, like it turns out I wrote it down, is called reactance. We want things more when we feel like we can't have them. So this third type of desire is present for so many of us. It's like, oh, I'm being naughty and buying these shoes when I know I shouldn't, or I'm gonna splurge. Like those kinds of vibes are really this forbidden fruit desire. So to start off, let's go back to my experiment this week. Um, to start off, initially I was like, I'm just gonna follow what I want to do. First of all, I did another experiment and I'll do another podcast episode about it soon, where I just decided to do to do only the things that were bringing me joy, and that was super fun. Um, but this kind of like it felt similar where I was like, I'm just going to consume the things that I actually want. So on Tuesday, you know, I dropped my kids off at school and I was driving home and I was like, should I stop for coffee? And I was like, let me think about it. Do I actually want to stop for a coffee? Am I just kind of bored? Is this a forbidden fruit situation? And I realized that I just got this like really this new toasted matcha from the grocery store that I wanted to try. And I was like, no, I actually want to go home. So I went home and had my matcha and it was delicious. And um, I'm sitting there working, and I was thinking about lunch. And I had to run an errand, and I could have just picked up lunch, but I realized I had this really yummy bread that I got from a local bakery, and I wanted to make myself like a little toast open face toast situation. And when I thought about my true desire for it, it wasn't that I wanted to go out and have someone prepare food for me. It really was that like I have all this stuff that I really love to eat at home and I'm gonna eat it. None of these are like financial, I'm not thinking about money at all in any of these decisions, right? Like, I'm trying to eliminate money from the equation to see what happens when I follow my true desire. So I didn't go get lunch. I didn't, you know, I stayed home, I had my toast, it was amazing, better than anything I probably could have picked up. Um, and I already had it on hand. But it's so easy for us to just kind of go on autopilot. It's so easy for us to be like, oh, I'm out, I should just grab lunch, it's gonna be easy, it's no big deal. And, you know, if I was in a time crunch and I was out and I needed to get lunch quick, that's probably what I would do because my desire would be to not have to spend a lot of time on lunch. But I had a nice spacious day. And I like having spaciousness in my life. And the purpose of the spaciousness in my life is so that I can make myself a beautiful lunch so that I don't feel rushed, so that I don't feel like I have to compromise. So in that moment, making myself lunch at home was actually the luxury solution. And so it's kind of funny. I was thinking about it, it's kind of funny that like I, you know, and I ended up spending less money than maybe I normally would have, and also had like a more luxurious lunch situation. So that was kind of the first, the first little event that got clocked for me when I started this experiment. Then the next day, um, I was at home working, and my mom called me, and she was leaving Costco, and she wanted to know if I wanted to meet her for lunch. And again, I have delicious food in my house. I had a stocked fridge, food that needed to be eaten. Um, but I also wanted to spend time with my mom. Growing up, her and I like our like lunch was kind of our bonding thing. I remember on Saturdays we would go out to lunch together, and it was a really special time for us, and she was free and I was free. I didn't have any calls. And so I checked in with myself, and my true desire was that yes, I did want, in fact, want to meet my mom for lunch. And, you know, I went to the restaurant. Um, it was less about the food, although the food was amazing. This really good Indian restaurant here in Boulder. It was less about the food, but it was more about like me being able to have this opportunity to connect with my mom, to sit and to laugh and to tell stories and talk about our days and plan and all of these things. And so in that moment, when I followed my desire, my desire wasn't to eat out, my desire was not to go to a restaurant, but my desire to connect with my mom was stronger than any desire I had to just eat lunch at home. And so, following that desire, yeah, I did spend more money, but also I feel like my life is richer because of it. Because I had that really cool moment, um, that really good opportunity to connect with somebody that I love. And the final story from this week, I feel like I could tell you like every single thought process behind every single decision, but that might be a little too much. So I'll tell you one final story from my experiment this week. And so my husband on Monday, he was going out of town for a work trip. And he's been traveling a lot for work lately. He's gonna be gone, you know, uh coming up really soon. And so we both had the morning free, and he was like, Do you want to go get some breakfast with me? And I was like, or no, it wasn't, it was like a it was a lunch. It wasn't breakfast, it was lunch, I remember specifically. So he asked if I want to get lunch with him. I said, Yeah, that sounds great. And so we went to this little um, it's kind of like a diner near our house that's really like amazing breakfast food, and then they also have really good Mexican food. And it's a little local place. We've been going there for years. Everyone who works there knows us. It like makes us feel like part of the community, a really special spot, nothing fancy. And so we decided to go there for lunch, and we're having this nice date. We're looking at the menu, and I was kind of trying to, you know, again, tap into my desire. What is it that I really want right now in this moment? And I ordered my food, the cheese and onion enchiladas, in case you're curious. And I realized I really wanted an iced tea. And I'm not the kind of person that orders beverages at lunch, and I don't know why. It was like it's like kind of a silly thing. Um, I don't know why. I just I like I always just default to water. Um, I I you know I'm not a big soda person. Sometimes I recently discovered Diet Coke, actually, and I've had three in the past month. Um, but normally, you know, I drink like a sparkling water or a regular water. That's just my default. But I really wanted an iced tea. And so I ordered an iced tea, and I don't know, something about having my lunch with this iced tea like made the whole event feel so special. It felt like an occasion, it felt more like a date, even though you know it's the middle of the day and in-between work stuff. But it I don't like it didn't necessarily feel like an indulgence, but it did add a whole layer of pleasure to our lunch. And it was really interesting, like how often I've you know bypassed a small decision that can really make something feel that much more special. It's such an easy thing, you know? It's not an expensive thing. It's but there are probably a lot of times in my life where I've said no to like a small extra that would actually add an element of luxury to my experience. And so I don't, I don't know, the iced tea, like I can't get this iced tea out of my head. And I don't think it was about the iced tea. I think it was just about noticing that like when I tap into my desires, one, there are these things that I spend money on that I don't actually desire. And it's nice for that for me to like be able to see through that because why buy something if it's not gonna make you feel fulfilled, if it's not gonna make you feel cared for, if it's not gonna make you feel like you're, you know, having this luxurious life. But also, what are the small ways that we can give ourselves these things, right? What are the small ways that we can actually like remind ourselves that we're special and you know, this is an occasion, and this isn't just me rushing out and grabbing lunch with my husband. This is us sitting down and having like this moment together, this really cool moment where we're chatting and laughing and you know, getting our quart of green chili to go because oh my gosh, that stuff is so good. Um yeah, yeah, so I'm very excited to continue this experiment and really understand like when I buy something or consume something because somebody else has told me that's what I want, when I buy or consume something because it feels rebellious or forbidden, and when I'm actually in sync with my own true desires. So a lot of the time we operate with this kind of unspoken assumption that desire equals spending money or wanting equals spending money, and then if you just follow what you want, you're going to put your financial security at risk. And that discipline, when we think about financial discipline, it means not wanting or not acting on our wants or holding back, right? But I this experiment really helped me realize that that's kind of backwards or not fully complete. When I actually tuned in to what I wanted, I spent less on the things that weren't actually calling to me. I spent less on the things that I might have just spent on out of, you know, some kind of autopilot. The, you know, not going out to lunch. Um I was I was online looking at something I can't, and I like normally don't buy things online because I always get scared that I'm not gonna like it and I'm not gonna figure out, be able to figure out how to return it. But, you know, even just like recognizing that, like, oh, I, you know, I'm at I'm at a store buying something for my kids. I don't need to buy anything else for myself because I don't really want anything. Most of our impulse spending isn't actually stemming from our own desires, it's stemming from boredom or anxiety or FOMO or wanting to like be, you know, in the know or be up to date or whatever. The true desires that we actually have are often not as loud, right? They're usually specific, they usually relate deeply to our values. Like right now, so this week, I kind of decided I want to start running again because I really love running and I miss it. And I'm realizing that I'm desiring new running shoes. I would absolutely love to have new running shoes. And so me going out and buying new running shoes in the next week or two isn't a splurge, it's not something I'm doing because I'm bored, it's genuinely a match to something that I value in my life. When so, and one thing that I realized again in this whole experiment is that when we decide that we're not allowed to have something or we're not supposed to do something, all of a sudden that gets more desirable. So if we just say we're allowed to have and do everything, our cravings for these things tend to soften. We don't have this, like, oh, I wish I could go buy that, but that's so much money, and I'm not no. It's like, yeah, you're allowed to have anything you want. You can spend time saving money for whatever you want. So now that you live in this world where you're allowed to have anything, what is it that you actually really want? You know? That fourth cookie is only irresistible. You only crave it when you're not supposed to have cookies. I always talk to my kids, I'm such like an econ nerd. I always talk to my kids about diminishing returns and how it's like the first one of whatever you have is gonna be the best, it's gonna taste the best, whatever. And then the more you get, the less value that thing has to you. Like the first bite of ice cream is gonna be amazing. The 400th bite of ice cream is going to be awful. So when we want something, usually it's like we, you know, consuming in these small amounts is gonna give us more value than trying to get more and more and more of something. You know, the splurge, it has this charge because it feels like we're not supposed to do it. But if we take that away, it doesn't have a charge. We don't really want the thing anymore. So needless to say, this experiment was so fun. I really encourage you guys to try it, maybe just for a day. But really, I think the whole week was good because it gave me so many opportunities to like pause and reflect and think, voice note. I mean, I love voice noting, but you could even like have a little journal and be like, okay, I bought this thing. This is how I felt about it. I was excited about it. Um, like two days later, do you still are you still thinking about that thing or is it completely gone from your memory? Let me know if you do this experiment. Even if it's just like a one purchase or one day, or if it's the whole week, I would love to hear your own results. And I want to hear if you like struggle tapping into your own desires too, because I think the more we get overridden with society's desires, the culturals, cultural desires, the harder it is to tune in to ourselves. So I would love to hear if that, if like you tried this experiment, but you struggle with actually realizing what you desire, because I think that that in itself is a super interesting conversation that we could have. Ah, yeah. So I'll leave you with this. The more you notice, the more fluent you get in your own wanting. The more you notice your desires, the more fluent you get in your own wanting. And when you know what you actually want and not what you're supposed to want, or not what the algorithm thinks you want, spending money becomes so much more simple and so much more satisfying. We surround ourselves with the things that we value. We consume the things that are actually giving us the most bang for our buck. We consume the things that are actually elevating us and making us feel like we're living in luxury. That's how we use our money to create a better life for ourselves. Alright, guys. Love talking about this topic. Let me know if you want to hear more. Um, if you're enjoying the podcast, please give me a little review. I would love that. I went online today to drop to update some links and I saw three reviews on the podcast. Amazing! It made me so happy. So if you're listening to this and you enjoyed it, I would love a little note from you. Um, have a really amazing day, and I will see you guys soon.

unknown 23:49

Bye.