Why You're Still Single

You’re Not Cursed in Love — You’re Just Thinking in ‘Probably.'

• Stefanie Marianné • Season 1 • Episode 1

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Dating hasn’t stopped working for you because you’re doing something wrong—it’s because your brain is stuck replaying old experiences. In this episode, we talk about how one little word, “probably,” keeps you expecting disappointment and repeating the same dating cycles. You’ll hear why your mind does this, how it’s really just trying to keep you safe, and what to do instead so you can open up to something new. I’ll walk you through six simple steps to shift from fear and frustration to hope and possibility—so love can finally find you.

Ready to find and keep a healthy relationship this year—100% dating app free?✨ [Use the link to sign up for your consult today.]✨

SPEAKER_01:

Welcome to Why You're Still Single, the podcast and your go-to dating resource to help you find and keep a healthy loving relationship 100% dating app free. I'm Stephanie Mariane, professional matchmaker and master certified dating coach. And here you'll get proven expert level guidance to uncover the blind spots that make finding love almost impossible. Tune in bi-weekly to learn love-building skills that get your relationship ready and create unshakable self-confidence. You're empowered in the dating arena. Finally find and keep extraordinary love you undeniably deserve.

SPEAKER_00:

If you're ready to break up with dating up, running cycle.

SPEAKER_01:

So this podcast will definitely be a resource for you out here in the dating arena, right? And to learn about something is great, but to learn how to conceptualize and implement what you're learning is a whole nother story. And when you take notes, you increase your likelihood to be able to implement what you learn how to do or what you learn about as you're listening to this podcast. So I really want to encourage you to do that because it is my mission to help you find and keep a healthy relationship this year, 100% dating app free. So today we're going to talk about a single word that is 99.9% responsible for why you've been stuck in an on and off dating cycle. Why, despite all the breaks you've taken, the fresh starts you've promised yourself, and the mindset shifts you've tried, it still feels like you keep having the same experiences in love, no matter how hard you try to do it differently. This word is so insignificant and yet paradoxically so significant at the same time. You probably use it all the time without even realizing it. And when I tell you what it is, you're going to be shocked by how much power it's had over your love life. The word is probably. It sounds so small, right? Harmless even, but probably has quietly been running the show in your love life. In fact, this one word is often the reason why so many women like yourself and me in a previous season of my life keep and kept repeating the same patterns in dating, the same kind of men, the same disappointments, the same story with a different name. Now, let me explain where this came from. So this whole episode was inspired by a real conversation I just recently had with one of my clients. And I want you to know that everything I share here comes from real experiences, either something my clients have gone through or something I've lived through myself. Because the goal here isn't for you to listen to me forever, it's for you to learn what you need to learn so you can actually create the love story you've been waiting for, right? So being able to draw from real life experiences instead of you being told things that someone hasn't lived through themselves or haven't witnessed somebody live through themselves, it's just not going to help you. So in this particular session, we were unpacking why she kept finding herself in these exact same on and off dating loop cycles. Like she would download a dating app after taking a break from dating, right? Like, okay, I need to take a break. This sucks. Let me delete all of my dating apps, let me stop talking to all the people that I'm talking to, or I know that I'm not really interested in and I've just been entertaining just for whatever purposes, right? And so then she'd do that, take a break, she'd reset, and then she promises herself that this time around it would be different. So then after she's felt like she's taken enough time off, she'll go and hit a quote unquote what she thought was reset button, download the apps again, go out on a few dates, match with a few guys, have some conversations, et cetera, et cetera. You know the gr you know the drill. And within a couple of weeks, she was right back in the same place, hopeful at first, uh, hold on, cautiously optimistic at first, or actually trying to be, but deep down inside, she was unenthused, she was frustrated, she was unamused, she was unenthusiastic, and just there was a sense of dread that she felt that wasn't very prevalent initially, but she was trying to avoid that to lean into being cautiously optimistic so she could get herself back out there. And even after trying to get herself into a space of cautious optimism optimism, she'd find herself heartbroken all over again because she repeated the same cycle that she had been on for so many years. And you might at this current moment be experiencing the same thing. So please lean in, sister, because I'm going to tell you exactly what's going on. So as we were talking, she said something that stopped me in my tracks. She said, Every time I go back into dating, one of my biggest fears is that what I went through before will probably happen again. It's probably not going to be different. Things will probably not work out. And right then, I realized something huge. She wasn't dating from a space and place of possibility. She was dating from a space and place of probability. Every time she said probably, she was unknowingly predicting her future based on her past. And that's where today's concept, probably in the past, comes from. Okay, so you might be wondering right now, what does this even mean? Like, how does one tiny word probably have that much control over my love life? When you use the word probably, you're predicting. And predicting always comes from something you've already experienced. It's your brain's way of saying, I've seen this before, so I know what comes next. And from a neuroscience perspective, our brains are prediction machines, not reaction machines. Your brain's main job is to constantly scan your environment for danger or even perceive danger and to keep you safe from it. So when you walk into the dating arena, when you step into the dating arena, your brain is always asking this one question. Especially if you're someone who comes from a dysfunctional family, especially if you're someone who has had a history of being in dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships, your brain will automatically ask this question when you step into the dating arena. What's going to happen next? And how do I prepare for it? Because the future feels uncertain. Your brain reaches for what it already knows. It says, We've been here before. I know what to expect. And even if what you expect isn't good, your brain would rather stick with familiar pain than step into unfamiliar possibility. This is what neuroscience calls predictive processing or predictive coding. Your brain uses your stored memories, emotional imprints, and an emotional imprint is simply just whenever you've experienced something in life that had a very strong emotional experience, like either positive or negative, it imprints within your psyche. And the best way to describe it is if you've ever put your hand on a hot stove, your body stores the emotional imprint of how terrible that felt, right? So anytime you're getting ready to almost touch a hot stove or your hand goes near a hot stove, your body uses that emotional imprint as a reference point, saying, ah, that was really hot and that really sucked and it was very painful. Let's not ever do this again. That's an emotional imprint. And past experiences to make rapid predictions about what's likely to happen next so it can respond faster and conserve energy. So when you assume that will probably happen again, or rather, when you predict that will probably happen again, your brain isn't being negative, it is being efficient, it is doing its job, right? It's trying to protect you by preparing you for what it already knows. But here's the problem: what your brain knows is based on your past, and your past isn't where you want to live anymore. So you might remember the client I mentioned earlier, the one who kept finding herself in that on and off dating cycle. And maybe this is something you can relate to. Every time she took a break and decided to try again, she'd tell herself she was starting fresh, new mindset, reset button, new approach, new energy. But underneath all of that, there was one quiet sentence running the show. Everything I went through before will probably happen again, right? Because when you think in probably, you're not entering dating with openness, you're entering with protection. That single thought was shaping her entire experience of dating before she even met anyone. And here's what that looks like in real life. This is how she was showing up, and this is how you may be showing up when you step into the dating arena. You start conversations expecting to be disappointed. You're polite but emotionally guarded. You scan for signs that confirm your fear. Is he consistent? Is he losing interest? Right? What that looks like is checking to see how long it took for him to text you back, or even reading text messages over and over and again to try to decipher what they mean instead of asking for clarification. You also focus on what could go wrong instead of what's actually happening. You take yourself out of the present moment and you take yourself to a space where you're either in the future forecasting what you think will probably happen, or you're in the past comparing the situation you're in, or comparing the person you're getting to know with someone you knew in your past or an experience you may have had in the past, and you're just not being present with the person you're getting to know. And one of the things that I'd really like to invite you to consider is that when you are not present and paying attention to the people you're getting to know, it is noticed. One other thing you might be doing is you keep one foot in and one foot out just in case you have to protect yourself again. So, what this might look like specifically is not really being willing to take emotional risks or even emotionally invest in any of the people that you're getting to know, because in your mind, your mind is already made up that this is probably not going to work out. It is probably not going to be any different than what you've experienced in all these different seasons of dating, on and off, in and out, up and down. It's not probably going to be different. That is what your brain is telling you. So, based on what I just listed, that's exactly how my client was showing up. She was guarded, she was cautious, she was slightly detached, she was not excited, she was not open, she was not communicative. And this is nothing to be ashamed about in any way, shape, or form. It's just great to notice. Oftentimes, we do not notice the way that we show up. And when you show up in the way that I just mentioned, you unconsciously invite the same kind of experiences you're trying to avoid, right? While simultaneously pushing away people that you genuinely want to get to know. You're here because you want to find a healthy relationship that lasts, which means you want a partner who is emotionally available, who is emotionally rehabilitated from anything that he may have gone through in the past. You want someone that's attentive and present and open and loving and kind, and I can list off so many other amazing qualities. You want that. So even when she met someone new, we're going back to talking about my client, it all ended up feeling painfully familiar. Not because she was doing something wrong, but because her prediction was creating her level of participation. So her presence, her prediction was creating her level of presence. Her prediction was creating her willingness or unwillingness to emotionally invest, to take emotional risks. And here's the real breakthrough we uncovered in our session. She was quitting on love before it even had a chance to begin. Every time she thought it's probably not going to work out, she would pull back mentally, emotionally, and physically, and she'd stop replying. She'd stop showing up. She'd stop allowing herself to see if there was someone out there who could actually be compatible for her. She stopped investing any time or energy into the people that she was getting to know. She wasn't letting anyone invest time or energy into getting to know her. Her brain thought it was protecting her from another heartbreak. But in reality, it was protecting her from possibility. Her past wasn't just predicting her future, it was preventing it. Now, I just want to pause here for a second, because I know it can sound frustrating when you realize you've been the one recreating your own experiences. But please hear me when I say this. You don't do this on purpose. There is always a method to the madness, and everything your brain does, even the stuff that feels sabotaging, is rooted in one intention to keep you safe. It's not that you're broken or that you secretly enjoy the chaos, it's that your brain and body are always trying to help you avoid pain, disappointment, or rejection. So let's talk about why we do this and why predicting from your past feels so real. Why does using probably secretly benefit you while simultaneously sabotaging you at the same time? So using the past as a reference point feels protective for a few key reasons. And when I say the past as a reference point, I mean using probably as a prediction for what's to come. Okay, just so that we're clear. Humans are wired to experience uncertainty as a threat. So the first reason is it reduces uncertainty, and uncertainty feels dangerous. Our brain's threat center, the amygdala, doesn't just react to physical danger, it also reacts to psychological uncertainty. Thousands of years ago, the unknown could literally mean death. So our brains evolved to treat uncertainty as unsafe. That's why sticking with what's predictable feels so comforting, even when it's painful or unfulfilling. It's why people say, I know it's not good for me, but at least I know what to expect. The known, even if it hurts, feels safer than the unknown that could surprise you. So going out and stepping into the dating arena, being able to kind of cling on to it probably won't work out, feels safer because at least you know what to expect, versus putting yourself out there and leaning in on what could possibly happen, right? Being in a space of possibility, that is unknown. It is risky, it is uncertain. You don't know what's going to possibly happen because you don't have evidence. But if you know what probably would happen based on what's happened before, you have a lot more evidence to support that. So it feels more certain. All right, number two, why do we do this? Why does probably feel so good? And I put good in air quotes, but you can't see me. So you didn't see me say, put the air quotes when I was saying good, but it also conserves energy. So the brain uses about 20% of your body's total energy, which is a lot. So it's always looking for shortcuts, ways to reuse what it already knows instead of spending energy building something new. Okay. Our brains are a little lazy. When you reuse old beliefs or emotional responses, things like this is what love feels like, or this is how men act, your brain gets to stay on autopilot, right? That autopilot is efficient. It's like driving on a paved road instead of building a brand new one through the forest. But there, but here's the problem: that paved road might be leading you in circles. All right. So the brain doesn't want to think new thoughts. The body doesn't want to feel new emotions that it hasn't felt before, right? For many of us, one of the biggest challenges out in the dating arena is feeling vulnerable. And if you're not skilled at being able to feel an emotion like that, or if that is something that is new for you, your brain and your body aren't willingly going to put themselves out there and say, hey, let's feel all this new stuff that we're not familiar with. Absolutely not. Your brain will always take the path of least resistance at any point in time that it can, just so it can conserve energy. And lastly, one of the reasons why we like to use our past as a reference point for what's probable, or why we say probable probability statements, like that's probably not going to work out, etc., is this one is huge, by the way. The last reason is it prevents emotional overwhelm. When you've experienced emotional pain like heart heartbreak, rejection, or betrayal, your brain tags that event as dangerous. So the next time something similar comes up, your brain references the past and says, ooh, that hurt me last time. Let's not go there again, right? If you've had a big heartbreak, if you've been in a relationship that was really crappy, that left you feeling crappy and terrible about yourself, your brain is not gonna let you go there again. And this happens in part of the in a part of the brain called the implicit memory system, where your hippocampus and amygdala work together to store emotional memories. It's a protective mechanism, but it also means that growth and vulnerability can register as danger, not possibility. So if letting someone in feels uncomfortable, that's not you being dramatic. That's your nervous system doing its job a little bit too well. So if all of this is happening automatically, what makes it feel so true? Why does the story your brain tells you feel more real than what's actually possible? Well, the reason why probability/slash probably feels truer than anything else is let's start with this. Probably feels true because it's emotionally confirmed. When something happens that leaves a strong emotional mark like rejection, abandonment, betrayal, your nervous system doesn't just remember the event, it remembers that feeling that you felt while the event was happening or after the event happened. That feeling becomes evidence, it becomes emotional proof that this is how life works. This is what how dating works, this is how men are, right? So later, when you think that will probably happen again, you're not guessing, you're feeling, and your body says, this feels true. That's the key. Probably isn't logical, it is felt truth. It's the echo of an emotional imprint dressed up as rational thinking. Okay, so now that we understand why this happens, what do you actually do about it? Because knowing this is one thing, but changing it is another. Remember, you've spent years, maybe decades, thinking in probability, aka thinking what probably might happen in your love life as you step into the dating arena. So we're not just shifting a thought pattern, we're retraining your nervous system to believe that safety can exist in the unknown. The good news, you can absolutely rewire this. And it just starts with awareness. So I have six steps if you want to pull out your journal and your pen or your notebook and pen to take more notes to actually learn how to shift this. I'm gonna get started with step one. Step one, notice your probability thoughts. Start by noticing when your thoughts predict the future of your love life based on your past. It's and what this sounds like is anytime you use the word probably, it probably won't work out. Men like that probably don't exist anymore. If it hasn't happened by now, it probably never will. Now, I want to invite you not to judge yourself when these thoughts come up. Just notice them. Awareness is the first moment you stop living on autopilot. And awareness also precedes change. Step two, get curious, not corrective. Instead of trying to force positivity, which usually just feels fake, get curious and ask yourself, where does this thought come from? What is it trying to protect me from? Now, when you meet your fear with curiosity instead of correction, you create space for something new. You stop fighting your mind and start understanding it. Step three, reframe into possibility. Once you've noticed the probably thought and gotten curious about it, gently reframe it. Turn it probably won't work out into it's possible this could go better than I expected. This isn't toxic positivity, it's nervous system recalibration. You're giving your brain a new option to consider. Step four, look for micro evidence. Your brain needs proof to believe in something new, so give it tiny doses of evidence. Notice small moments that go better than expected. Maybe a date felt more comfortable than usual. Maybe a conversation didn't trigger you like it once would have. These micro moments are evidence that new outcomes are possible. And over time, they start to outweigh your old data. Step five, notice when you make yourself the exception. When you see other people experiencing healthy love, instead of saying good for them, but it'll probably never happen for me, ask, how could that be possible for me too? Don't use other people's happiness as evidence that love skips you. Use it as proof that love exists. Step six, the possibility practice. I like to call this your daily reset, a way to start rewiring your thinking from probability to possibility. Each morning, ask yourself, what could go, what could go better than I expect today? And each evening ask, what became possible today that I didn't expect this morning? These questions train your brain to notice new evidence, not just old patterns. And here's why possibility is the energy of love. Possibility is so powerful, and it's more likely to help you find and keep love, even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first. Possibility keeps you curious, it keeps your heart open. It's a completely different emotional energy, one that's lighter, warmer, and more magnetic. When you think in possibility, you show up differently, you ask better questions, you listen instead of brace, you allow instead of assume, you stop trying to control love and you start participating in it. Probability shuts the door before anything begins. Possibility cracks it open just enough for something new to walk in. And a quick side note about the word probably itself. You've probably noticed that I've been using probability and probability interchangeably. And that's because probabil actually comes from probability, which comes from the Latin word probability. So be less, meaning provable or worthy of approval. Originally, probability meant something that could be proven with evidence. And that's exactly what your brain is doing when it says it'll probably happen again. It's using old emotional evidence as proof that your future will repeat your past. Just so that we're on the same page as I close out this amazing episode for you. I didn't want there to be any confusion between probability and probability. Those words can be used interchangeably. And as we close, I want to encourage you that if you take anything from this episode, let it be this. Every time you hear yourself say probably, pause and ask, Am I predicting or am I creating possibility? Because love can't grow in prediction, it only grows in possibility. And when you start thinking in possibility, you don't just date differently, you become different. You stop reliving your past and you start rewrite rewriting your story, which is something you deserve. I hope you have a good morning, good afternoon, good evening, or good night, whatever time you're listening. I hope this helped. And I'll talk to you again next time. Hey, are you ready to find and keep love this year, but tired of wasting time on dating apps that don't work and dealing with men who play games with your heart, leaving you emotionally drained? If that sounds like you, I want to personally invite you to work with me so I can help you find and keep a healthy relationship 100% dating app free. This private coaching experience includes weekly dating success sessions designed to emotionally support you when dating feels hard and give you expert level guidance tailored to your unique situation. You'll also learn the love-building skills that not only empower you but help emotionally rehabilitate your heart. So finding and keeping love this year becomes inevitable. If what you're learning on this podcast is helping, just imagine what's possible when we take the work deeper together. This is the kind of support that works when nothing else has so you can finally experience the extraordinary love you undeniably deserve. If you're ready to get started, use the link in the show notes to book your consultation. I look forward to helping you find the love you've always deserved.