OK Bud!
Ben Kissel, Jerii Aquino and Kyle Ploof bring you the top news of the week and let you know that everything's gonna be OK Bud!
OK Bud!
Episode 59: Sperm Lies and Real Crimes
Heartbreak and betrayal strike as we uncover the devastating truth about the viral "sperm race" sensation that captivated millions. What appeared to be an innovative sporting competition was nothing more than an elaborate AI-generated hoax created by a 17-year-old from the Bay Area. Our hosts process their disappointment in real-time, mourning what could have been the world's most unique sporting event while examining how easily we can all be fooled by increasingly sophisticated technology.
In a somber shift, we pay tribute to Jill Sobule, the groundbreaking singer-songwriter behind the original 1995 hit "I Kissed a Girl," who tragically perished in a house fire at age 66. We reflect on how her music challenged social norms when LGBTQ+ themes were still considered taboo in mainstream culture, predating similar pop cultural moments by decades.
The conversation takes several wild turns as we debate whether dogs should be allowed in grocery stores (spoiler: probably not when they're licking the produce), examine a gruesome murder case involving a Colombian porn performer, and share a cautionary tale about why you should always wash thrifted clothes before wearing them—unless mysterious facial bumps are your desired aesthetic.
We wrap with the ironic story of a Kentucky lottery winner who celebrated his $167 million jackpot by allegedly kicking a police officer in the face, proving once again that money can't buy common sense. His girlfriend, aptly named Fightmaster, joined in the chaos, living up to her surname in spectacular fashion.
Whether you're mourning the loss of what could have been the world's most exciting sperm competition or contemplating your next thrift store purchase, this episode reminds us that in a world full of deception and danger, sometimes all we can do is laugh and remind ourselves that everything's gonna be okay, bud.
Wow, oh boy, whoa, that doesn't sound good. Okay, well, let's get her going. We got big news to start with. Oh no, I'm like upset, I'm upset, I am actually mad. Wow, what's up everyone. Welcome to okay bud, the podcast where everything's gonna be okay bud not by the sound of it at ben kissel, one with jerry akino at miss underscore. Jerry, that's j-e-i-j-e-r-i-i god and kyle plouffe. At kyle plouffe. Breaking news. Everything's gonna be okay, bud. I just J-E-R-I-I God and Kyle Bluth. Hey, at Kyle Bluth. Breaking news.
Speaker 1:Everything's going to be okay, bud, I just saw this article. We covered the world's first sperm race Boy, did we?
Speaker 3:Oh.
Speaker 1:And it was too good to be true. It was fake. What do you mean? It was all computer AI generated. Shut up, I'm so unbelievably pissed off regenerated shut up. I'm so unbelievably pissed off. No way, yes.
Speaker 2:This is why I couldn't even we can't even do the show anymore. There were people saying that it looked too good to be true. Like real, sperm doesn't react that way it did look.
Speaker 3:It looked exactly like cartoon sperms are drawn yeah it was like the exact shape, the little tadpole guy I didn't notice that, but come on I thought that's what the sperm looked like.
Speaker 1:That's so. Apparently the entire thing has been ai generated. The victor was known before. Wow, and it's all a bunch of lies I I am a cummy, cummy lie I. I can't believe it.
Speaker 3:I'm devastated couldn't even Come on. This was their chance. This was their chance to be like we're going to extra, man it up and do some manly man stuff, and it was crap.
Speaker 1:I am so upset. We covered it. We wasted our breath our heart and energy. I was talking to my ball sack that night, being like why aren't you on there, get it done, balls.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And it turns out it was all for naught. This is bigger than steroids in baseball.
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 1:This is bigger than Deflategate. If you're a fan of football, this is the biggest scandal in sports. Dare I say it. It almost gets political. This is bigger than Joe Biden being dead for three years and no one talking about it. This is huge, huge sperm news years and no one talking about it. This is huge, huge sperm news. And whoever is held, billy McFarland, you're now number two on my list of promoters. I don't like Number one, the sperm race guy, damn. I am devastated.
Speaker 3:You knocked down Billy McFarland.
Speaker 1:Billy freaking Firefest McFarland. And now I can't believe this isn't everywhere. Why isn't Banfield covering this on News Nation?
Speaker 3:I mean not for nothing, it's just, it's true. It was too good to be true. Look at it. Look at the racetrack. It looks like a cassette tape.
Speaker 1:It's supposed to be tubes Fallopian tubes.
Speaker 3:It's supposed to be, yeah.
Speaker 2:So they generally shaped it like fallopian tubes. Very generally it's also like basically a two-way street right and they have ucla and usc right there printed on the racetrack.
Speaker 3:I wonder if they're gonna get in trouble we were all like, oh, it could have been watermarked someone needs to be in trouble yes, somebody needs to.
Speaker 1:Heads need to roll, someone needs to be drowned in sperm I mean so now?
Speaker 3:well, I think they did. I think they did try to drown some people in sperm. They were like in those Nickelodeon tubes.
Speaker 1:I can't yeah like double dare Getting slimed yeah that's a whole nother kind of sexual slime, but I am just absolutely livid. I'm sorry that we brought you that information here. On OK Bud, we are the highest level.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:With journalistic integrity. That's what we have. That's what we bring. It's true it's a comedic tilt, but we do pride ourselves on getting the information correct.
Speaker 3:Barely so is it kind of racist that they just automatically chose that the the winner would be the person of color?
Speaker 1:maybe, maybe is it? It DEI, yeah, dei Is that it.
Speaker 2:Both races were yeah.
Speaker 1:Both races were completely rigged and utterly fixed.
Speaker 3:Let's just go right to the comments.
Speaker 1:I want to get to our Patreon comments here. What are people saying?
Speaker 2:Chris is saying this is very unbecoming of AI.
Speaker 3:It is very, you, unclassy bitch.
Speaker 2:What AI's a slut. Is she going to do whatever you want it to do? Wow, you're just going to do whatever, I guess so.
Speaker 1:This whole time I was like AI's not going to get me, it's not going to get me, I'm not going to be, fooled. You're not going to be fooled. You're not going to fool me.
Speaker 2:And then look at all of us. We got cum it was fake AI-generated egg on our face. Wow, oh my God, hysterica is saying we should have fucking known this race was fake. Nothing is real anymore.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true. Well, I'm sorry, I wanted to believe that we lived in a world that could possibly have one fun thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was excitingly stupid. And now it's like oh, it's actually a smart thing and we fooled you guys. Oh, fuck off.
Speaker 1:I also didn't realize. I'm just learning now. The event was the brainchild of a 17-year-old boy. Oh my God, a 17-year-old boy came up with this. If I would have known that. And 17-year-old boys can't tell the truth, they are oblivious to any kind of rational thought.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we got bamboozled by a fucking teenager. I hate teenagers. I hate teenagers, I hate them.
Speaker 2:It did seem a little weird that the woman who was hosting it was pretending to be a doctor but also was like holy fuck, this is fucking crazy huh, she was not a doctor, that girl I knew, she was a comedian. She was like an Awkwafina wannabe. She really was I love her Before she got in trouble for using black force Whatever.
Speaker 1:I've met Awkwafina many times. She's fantastic. She can do whatever she wants. So the kid's name is Eric Zhu, and he made a stupid animal out of all of us.
Speaker 3:I don't like this.
Speaker 1:He's a 17-year-old student and entrepreneur from the Bay Area.
Speaker 3:Wactrepreneur.
Speaker 1:Yep. He's the one who launched the competition to raise the awareness of men's health and male fertility.
Speaker 2:Which is a noble cause.
Speaker 3:What are you talking about? What are we talking? About what are we aware of, now that the race has happened?
Speaker 1:The spunk go, spunk. Does we don't need to raise awareness of male fertility? Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about?
Speaker 2:There's a lot of guys out there having trouble getting it done. Why Then God doesn't want you to have one? That's fine. Why Then God doesn't want you to have one? That's fine. Go, adopt. Come to the Ben Kissel Clinic of Fertility. God didn't want it to be.
Speaker 1:Wow, I am just livid.
Speaker 3:I'm just still wondering what it is that we need to be aware of.
Speaker 2:Well, they're saying sperm racing is the ejaculatory equivalent of Theranos, which that is.
Speaker 1:Shots fired.
Speaker 2:That chick went to prison.
Speaker 1:Elizabeth Holmes, yeah, she's in prison.
Speaker 3:Wow, that's insane.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yep, it was Zoo and seven of his buddies. Yep, according to Joshua Gabay, an 18-year-old who attended Friday's race, he eventually signed a which even featured a performance from Ty Dolla. Sign.
Speaker 3:I'm done, which is amazing. I saw that Of course, there was an opener.
Speaker 1:He says when you really think about it, we all won our own individual sperm races to get onto this planet, Ew. So, it's only fit that we make it a format that we can all watch and enjoy, but, unlike when we all of us won our spunk race, that shit was real.
Speaker 3:It was real. You can tell, because here we are.
Speaker 1:I am just Okay.
Speaker 3:That's pretty crazy, and apparently the idea started in a high school bathroom. How fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they were all playing ooky-kooky in there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they were literally just doing it Sperm race.
Speaker 2:But you can't do that. You have to tie it to a cause in the fertility thing.
Speaker 3:Tie it to a cause. You know what would be so sick we made. Do you think people would watch a sperm race Like dude I? Bet we can get everyone to watch a sperm race. No way, dude, yeah we can make it like an event.
Speaker 1:They're laughing at us.
Speaker 3:No, they, literally they're like I can't believe. They all fell for it.
Speaker 1:We have cum all over our faces. We don't Ben. That's the point, we don't. They made us look like we're covered in cum.
Speaker 3:They're buttholes.
Speaker 1:They're straight up buttholes because it's not like it's, just it's. You are a butthole, bro. You tricked all of us. Is it criminal? I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't even know you cumless dumpster you oh well Haley's saying in the Patreon chat that we've been bamboozled, but Jeff said I enjoyed the scam.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it?
Speaker 3:Why? Why, jeff, give me a reason.
Speaker 2:Well, it was a little fun it was fun.
Speaker 3:It was fun. It was fun when it was real.
Speaker 1:It was fun when it was real.
Speaker 2:Still real to me damn it.
Speaker 1:It's not real.
Speaker 2:What you do to your bodies.
Speaker 1:Now it just looks like this is the closest it's ever come to me, being like santa claus isn't being totally right right very, very upset, so we're gonna move on from this.
Speaker 3:Well hopefully, hopefully, you can recover from this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know it's gonna be a tough one I'm gonna watch some 9-11 documentaries and get back to good.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:Wow, just get back to normal, all right, sounds good.
Speaker 2:Oh Lordy, so I wonder if the $10,000 the winner got was real too. It's not real. It was full of cash. There's no money.
Speaker 3:No, there was no winner. Well they got a million dollars there Venture capital.
Speaker 1:So is that fraud it? Might end up being fraud yeah, so this could be a case that we're going to follow.
Speaker 2:Yes, they could have just shut the fuck up and then kept getting venture capital and then really afforded good lawyers to be like fuck you guys. You knew what you're getting into.
Speaker 3:Oh.
Speaker 1:God, if they end up going to jail for fake sperm racing, that shit will be the funniest prison sentence of all time that would be absolutely Even worse than a festival that's not actually happening.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:That'll be amazing. What are you in for? Well, something that didn't happen, cum racing that never occurred. And then they'll do a lot of cum racing in prison.
Speaker 3:Yeah, where do they take this from here? So they built their first company on fake sperm racing. Or is it an AI?
Speaker 2:Company C-U-M there you go. Okay, kyle picked up that low-hanging fruit.
Speaker 1:Hey, yeah right by the scrotes.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, don't do the wiggly thing with your hand. The AI scrotes why?
Speaker 3:do you guys always do the wiggly thing with your hand? That's what you're to doing it with balls.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you got to grab it and see if there's cancer in there.
Speaker 3:Oh, like boobs. Yeah, this testicle cancer. That's where the lungs go there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's so stupid you got to grab your nuts and be like hey, you cancer-free you done their nuts and your nuts are just like I thought I was training for the fucking sperm race. And then you reason to live anymore because it knows you don't have sex with women and you can't have any. How are you going?
Speaker 3:to recover from this.
Speaker 2:Then your balls are like I'm ready to sperm race. And then you pull them down. When you pull them down and it makes you stop.
Speaker 1:What the hell is happening right now. Trash, alright, let's move on. Let's move on, I don't. Anyway, we have sad news.
Speaker 3:We do.
Speaker 1:Jill Sabouli. Do you remember that song?
Speaker 3:I Kissed a Girl and I liked it, and I liked it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she died Whoa, she was 66 years old, she was 66. Well, the hit was in 1995. It was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I thought that was like 2008.
Speaker 3:No, but this You're thinking of Katy Perry.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:Yes, who kind of piggybacks on certain trends? I'm not even going to diss Katy Perry.
Speaker 3:There was one video where apparently she's dissed herself enough it doesn't.
Speaker 1:There's a video going around because apparently in her concert she sits by a toilet bowl and she has this big turd that comes out and talks with her. Yeah, Google, Katy Perry turd.
Speaker 3:Okay, well, I want to see that.
Speaker 1:See.
Speaker 3:I saw another video where she was dancing terribly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that fucking Frankenstein thing.
Speaker 1:And so silly, like just so silly.
Speaker 3:I kind of like she's sitting on a rope she turned around and did like a fake twerking thing, but she was really just like jumping up and down like foot to foot.
Speaker 1:It is, she's fascinating. Oh man is she, but at one point during her show she sits on rolls of toilet paper and then she gets into an argument with a giant turd that comes from the toilet that she's sitting by. So I kind of think that's amazing.
Speaker 3:That actually makes me like her more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's it. So she climbs up on toilet paper what. And she twerks, and then there's turds and there's a toilet.
Speaker 2:What is going on?
Speaker 1:And if you're on our Patreon you can watch that live, love the boots, and so this is actually fantastic.
Speaker 3:What so is the poopy person like? Is there like a joint in his mouth, or like what's in his it's a piece of corn.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, it took me a second to realize what it was.
Speaker 1:Anyway, google Katy Perry turd dance or whatever, you can watch that.
Speaker 3:And that's a giant mask. That's a giant COVID mask.
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 3:It's a whole puppet show with her.
Speaker 1:Yes, she's doing a lot, oh God she is doing a lot. Anyway, she's still very. She's Katy Perry, she's a.
Speaker 3:She's a musician alright, she's a musician. Musicians are fucking kooky.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:They are all. They march to their beat of their own little scrumdiddly poops.
Speaker 1:That's right, Jill Sabooli. So I kissed a girl. This was when people don't remember this, but I don't even think Ellen came out as a lesbian yet. Rosie O'Donnell was still like everyone's lighthearted, totally straight aunt.
Speaker 2:I love Tom Cruise.
Speaker 1:No, people don't remember. This time being gay was actually taboo. You could still get fired in Hollywood. People were like cancel that show. Like Will and Grace was breaking barriers.
Speaker 3:Oh my God what an amazing show.
Speaker 1:So when Jill Soubelle Boulé came out with I Kissed a Girl, it was like a big deal. People were like this is a little naughty. And then guys were like it's so hot. And then girls are like I'll kiss a girl. And then they're like how many lesbian activities happened to this song, one can only imagine.
Speaker 3:Oh, yeah, totally.
Speaker 1:She has died in a house fire. Jesus, what it sucks, yeah, in Minnesota. She lived in Minnesota and again she became a household name with I Kissed a Girl, and apparently she was also featured in the movie Clueless, which is freaking fantastic if you want to watch a good old comedy House caught on fire and now she is dead.
Speaker 3:Well, that's a horrifying way to go.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:For being one of Wait. Was this a hate crime?
Speaker 1:No, no, jesus Hate crime.
Speaker 3:I don't know Fire Did the house hate crime itself. Lgbt, no Community.
Speaker 1:No Community, no, this was just. The house was like man, I'm going to go up Well, I don't want to say that, but like a pile of sticks oh boy, because of course that is a reference to something bad yes, cigarettes. So the singer's manager, john Porter, said Jill Sobey Boley was a force of nature and human rights advocate whose music is woven into our culture. I was having so much fun working with her. I lost a client and a friend today. I hope her music, memory and legacy continue to live on and inspire others, and that is why today's BUD Bud of the Week is Kissing Girls. Yeah, that's an action as a girl.
Speaker 3:Wait what.
Speaker 1:Lesbians. Lesbians kissing yeah right Is butt of the week, Okay.
Speaker 3:The idea of yeah or the action.
Speaker 1:But it's also fun when they're two straight girls, because then you can still have sex.
Speaker 3:I was going to say I always think that I girl and I liked it. That's always like two straight girls that had like a couple of shots of tequila.
Speaker 2:They're like oh, my God you want to.
Speaker 3:No, I can't stop.
Speaker 2:No, I don't want to.
Speaker 3:And it's usually for like the attention of, like some dudes. And then lesbians are looking like at the corner, like fuck this.
Speaker 1:This sucks. They're fakers yeah they're fakers, they're, fakers, they're a bunch of fakers. Oh.
Speaker 3:Then you fall in love with them. The next day they were like ah, I was just drunk. And then you go ha, me too.
Speaker 1:I know that's the hardest. I think that's the hardest part. It seems specifically and correct me if I'm speaking out of turn probably am lesbianism. It seems like there's more fluidity within it, like if you're a man and you're gay. I feel, like you're pretty much. Good point, kyle Tola. I feel like you're pretty much like, yeah, I'm gay, I'm loving this dick right. Right right right, and then you might be bi or something, but it's tough Like. Look at what happened with Jojo Siwa.
Speaker 2:Yeah, now she has a boyfriend.
Speaker 1:She went on Celebrity Big Brother, and then she falls in love with girlfriend who lives in Australia or some shit yeah. And then she found out on the show and now Jojo Siwa says she's no longer a lesbian, she's queer, she's just on the spectrum.
Speaker 3:Look at you with the hot goss of the gays. No, oh my God, you're so hip Mickey, oh my God he's so hip Mickey Rourke needs an assist on that score sheet.
Speaker 1:Nope, he does. He did yeah because he's so nasty. That's the thing for every nasty guy. They push the gal into the arms of a good man.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that makes sense. It's a disgusting symbiotic relationship. Well, yeah, I know the queerness and queer journey is definitely. It's always an umbrella term Because, especially someone as young as her, like it's really unfair for her to come out when she's like 12 and be like I'm fully gay, like she has a whole life journey ahead of her, to like switch around and figure out if, like, oh, was that a phase or is this how I really feel? Or do I accept these people as well, these people being the men?
Speaker 3:yeah, you do but guys have the same kind of like double standards where it's like girls can go to college and have an experimental phase and still be, straight, right, right.
Speaker 1:They're just like no, guys can't do that, Guys can't go to college and have an experimental phase and not be gay.
Speaker 1:RIP Kevin Barnett. He used to tell a story, a fantastic story, about how he was drinking with his buddies and then the guy woke up and then the next day they made up a story about how he, how he, touched a dick, how he sucked him, and then they never. They never told him it was a joke. And then they finally told him it was a joke and he was like you guys were joking. I did like five years in therapy for that.
Speaker 3:Oh my God, yeah, oh my God, oh yeah, it was like a dick dude.
Speaker 1:Oh, no, he was oh no, that story's on round table. A gentleman for many years jesus and he went to therapy.
Speaker 3:He was like, oh my god you believe them but if you would tell a woman that they'd be like, yeah, yeah well, everyone can go to college and have an experimental phase, and so can jojo siwa yeah, that is true, but with jojo nothing.
Speaker 1:It's on international tv yeah, she also was. She never drank fireball, that was apple juice.
Speaker 3:She was going through like I'm a bad girl.
Speaker 1:Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
Speaker 2:I think she's doing that because the bad girl thing didn't work for her, and now she's lying.
Speaker 1:Well, no, she's not a bad girl, she's a dance, she's a.
Speaker 2:She's like a.
Speaker 3:Disney kid yeah, she's a dance baby. Just be a nerd anyway, she's saying you constantly are bedazzling your face it's bizarre just do it, it's fine. She wants to do that. It's bizarre, but do your thing I kissed a girl mega hit.
Speaker 1:She also had a song called supermodel. She was also behind the autobiography, autobiographical musical fuck seventh grade yeah, a fourth theatrical run which fuck seventh grade Fuck seventh grade. Fuck, seventh grade.
Speaker 3:I want to see that.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's a musical. I guess so.
Speaker 3:Let's pull up some songs, some song lyrics.
Speaker 1:Fuck seventh grade. I want to hear yeah, we can check it.
Speaker 3:I want to hear like the song fuck. Seventh grade.
Speaker 2:Well, this is going to be in your Google search, not kids, not hers. Great, not great.
Speaker 1:Oh my god yeah, she was from denver initially, my god, you're right.
Speaker 3:The first thing google said was caution now you're on a list.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, is that serious?
Speaker 3:it literally just popped up. It said caution, you're like that's my pornography is illegal can't uh, can't help but notice you're a 40 something year old man with the words seventh and grade and fuck in a search engine.
Speaker 1:This show is completely unhinged.
Speaker 2:It all started because of that sperm race thing.
Speaker 1:Got us going. So, she was originally from Denver, the name of the album was Things here Are Different, and then her second album was never released. So RIP, horrible way to go A house fire Hopefully you just sucked in some air and some smoke and you called it a life. But RIP because that song, everyone loved that song and you are completely correct.
Speaker 3:It's a gay staple. Yes, as women move through their phases and try to figure out what works for them and what doesn't. Go, kiss a girl and find out if you like it, and if you don't, then you let her down nicely.
Speaker 1:There was a couple of fucking chicks out there being like look at that, spunk go. And now they lost that too.
Speaker 3:Right, yeah, there was definitely girls out there that said look at that spunk go.
Speaker 1:Any other lyrics that you would care to read.
Speaker 2:I put on my headphones, I'm in the wings when you push me on, but I never learn the words. To the songs, but to the songs. But there I stand naked. They're staring at me, laughing at me. It gets weird, gets weird. That does sound horrible.
Speaker 1:Honestly fuck seventh grade.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's one. I put my headphones on songs from fuck seventh grade, which was an album, I guess.
Speaker 1:No, that was her musical.
Speaker 2:Oh, the musical. Okay, got you guys.
Speaker 1:All right, well, rip Soublet. Thank you for all your contributions to the world.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm going to go listen to her song and up the original, because it's always Katy Perry's version now.
Speaker 2:I'm going to listen to some good lesbo rock tonight.
Speaker 3:Maybe a karaoke.
Speaker 2:Yeah, people are talking about other lesbian bands Pussy Riot Tattoo, all the things they said all the things they said running through my head.
Speaker 3:They were also bamboozling us.
Speaker 1:Wait, they're not really lesbians.
Speaker 3:No, they weren't really lesbians, they were making out for show. They were also two girls drinking tequila sometimes they had.
Speaker 1:So much fun with it. How did we get here? Through lies, Lies dude. All of these are the lies. That's why we're here, and there's no truth.
Speaker 3:That song's still a banger though. Yeah, no, you know how it was so exciting for me. When I saw it. I was like, wow, look at him go.
Speaker 1:All right, we have a toss-up question, we're moving on.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:Trader Joe's. I personally enjoy Trader Joe's food, but I do not enjoy the atmosphere, I do not enjoy the lines, I do not enjoy the people that go there. So Trader Joe's is off my shopping list. I don't enjoy the shirts. I don't enjoy the shirts.
Speaker 3:I don't need that little bag. That's like $1,000. I like the little plants, though. They have really good house plants there.
Speaker 1:They have good house plants.
Speaker 3:Some lavender you can get some oats there. It's really cute.
Speaker 2:Shirts, yeah, like a cinnamon To feed your girlfriends, that's not nice.
Speaker 3:I love all my hoes.
Speaker 1:The toss-up is should dogs be allowed in Trader Joe's? They do have signs that say no pets allowed. However, many people who have their dogs are just walking in willy-nilly. This is happening in the Upper East Side in New York City.
Speaker 2:New York City.
Speaker 1:Oblivious owners walk in with their dogs, right past security guards, who obviously are not doing their jobs very well, and they go about their business. Now this has led to what is being called full-contact browsing where dogs they're very cute.
Speaker 3:Not full-contact browsing. Yeah, that's disgusting.
Speaker 1:Right, I just wanted to make sure the toilet paper actually wiped. That's what I call the strip club.
Speaker 3:Nice, you're not allowed to do that.
Speaker 1:So apparently all these dogs are licking on the produce.
Speaker 3:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:And then dog haters are saying yuck, don't do that. One queasy person said they saw a dog lick a bunch of lettuce and a bunch of tomatoes and a bunch of apples. And then one shopper said I think it's cute.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, it's not cute, it's cute, it's not cute. And then there's also probably a bunch of people that it's like maybe it used to be a place where you could have service animals only, and then they just walk right in and then the person that works there is like ma'am, is you're done? They're like, yeah, yeah, my, it's a service animal, don't worry. And it's like not, it's clearly not.
Speaker 3:It's my service order yeah, it's like not, it's clearly not. It's my service order. Yeah, it's my emotional support. It's like why do you guys go so hard with that, with the fake service animal stuff?
Speaker 1:It's not nice. Well, you're speaking as if someone. You are in the business on the wrong side, I am on the wrong side of the business. You have to kick a lot of people out for that reason.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I have had to. I've seen therapy letters not actual service certifications, but therapist letters that inform me that this is indeed an emotionally impacting circumstance.
Speaker 1:I'm totally here for it. So one shopper said it's cute. They say they're usually small and in a bag so I don't really mind as long as they're under control. I don't really mind as long as they're under control. Another shopper didn't mind even when they heard the allegations of the produce being licked by all the dogs. The shopper said I already wash my food when I get home, but maybe we'll extra wash now that we've learned that the New York Post spotted five pups, including one large Labrador, licking all over the grapes.
Speaker 3:That is so gross. That's not fucking cool, Dude. If you want to make out with your own dog, if you want to feed each other grapes, that's fine.
Speaker 1:Don't grapes kill dogs.
Speaker 2:They actually do. I feel like everything kills dogs.
Speaker 1:Hey Kyle, hey Cam, Can you Google, do grapes kill dogs? Hey Kyle, hey Kyle, Can you Google the grape-skilled dogs? Half of this show is just Kyle.
Speaker 2:Grapes and raisins are toxic to dogs and can cause serious health problems, including kidney failure.
Speaker 3:Jesus Christ. Oh, because it's wine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh shit. So interesting. This dog was cradled in its owner's arms and then it stuck its nose in a carton of grapes.
Speaker 3:That's yeah.
Speaker 1:Before the owner decided not to buy the fruit.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there's food there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, of course the dogs don't know it's poisonous. So the owner was looking at the grapes the dog stuck its nose in and they're like nah, I don't want these grapes.
Speaker 3:Great, so they just put them back. Great, fantastic on the grapes. Yeah, yeah. All the pollens everywhere.
Speaker 1:For the most part people don't seem to care, according to this English gal. They say it doesn't bother me. I think it's nice. In England you would never see that. So we thought it was quite nice because in England they're all strict with rules.
Speaker 3:Look at how those crazy Americans do crazy shit with their dogs all the goddamn time. You would never at home, but it's cute that you do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I mean, we're Americans, we're trash, clearly yeah.
Speaker 3:We walk around with therapist letters to allow our dogs to go everywhere with us.
Speaker 1:I was cuddling with my dog, jerry, so hard the other day I was like is this technically bestiality?
Speaker 3:It's emotionally bestiality.
Speaker 1:I was just kissing him on his forehead and it was just like really good.
Speaker 3:I was just kissing him on his forehead and it was just like I was just like I love you so much yeah, this is fucking.
Speaker 1:am I going to fuck this dog? But I didn't, so don't worry everybody, I didn't.
Speaker 2:Forehead kisses to dog fucking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was just like, cause I I sort of had an out of body experience and I really I'm all big and stuff and then he's all tiny. I'm just like and I was like, is this what the bible was talking about?
Speaker 3:like whether, like, we've lost god and people just lie with animals sometimes I kiss, sometimes I kiss my cat all over his face, all over his snout, and then and then he gives me like a lick back and then and then I feel like I get a little like centimeter of like his lips it's like cat lips and I'm and I feel like, yeah, make out with me but it's not, but it's really not that serious no, it's not, but it's really not that serious.
Speaker 1:No, it's not that serious. There's nothing going on in the underbelows.
Speaker 3:Yeah, my brain has never gone to man. Am I trying to fuck this cat?
Speaker 2:Oh God, you ready to fuck Are we about to fuck.
Speaker 1:All right. Well, let's get to a palate cleanser, shall we?
Speaker 3:Okay, I dare you.
Speaker 1:A porn star. They decapitated a couple what? And kept their heads in a freezer before dumping the remains at a popular landmark, which is the biggest mistake. You don't want to dump them in a popular landmark, unless, of course, you want them to be found Exactly. Yeah, yeah. So Yostin Andres Mosquera is 35. He is accused of killing Albert Alfonso and Paul Longworth. They were hanging out on July 10th, oh my God. And then, apparently, he was spotted July 10th with a large red suitcase about 100 miles west in Bristol. The cyclist who saw him spoke to him thinking that it was just a lost tourist. But then the killer he told the cyclist I got car parts in this little suitcase.
Speaker 1:Wow, I'm carrying car parts because he's like John Candy, right, right In every movie John Candy is in because he always just had a random thing full of something. Which one's the killer? It's the black guy the right. In every movie John Candy is in because he always just had a random thing full of something. Which one's the killer? It's the black guy. The black guy, yes.
Speaker 2:Well, whoa don't say it like you're from.
Speaker 1:Boston.
Speaker 3:Don't say it like that. What are you fucking? Don't mumble it. I just want to know which person in the picture it was.
Speaker 1:It was not car parts. Inside of said luggage, it was the remains of Longworth and Alfonso Oof. Additional body parts were found in a large silver trunk that he had with him, and the couple's heads were found in a chest freezer which, come on, it's a chest freezer, not a handbrake. You get it everybody. That's why you tune in. So he's a Colombian national, one of your people, jerry what? And he had been-.
Speaker 3:Wait, what Did you say Colombian? Oh, I'm sorry, dominican.
Speaker 1:Oh shit, I'm going to die. Yeah, never mind, not one of your people, jerry, not one of my people Colombians and Dominicans are so different.
Speaker 3:Yeah, one makes the drugs. The other one doesn't Exactly Thank you apples to cocaine here, people Jesus so he, the Colombian national, the murderer.
Speaker 1:He had been hired to have quote extreme sex with Alfonso, but that's when he attacked and killed him instead of having extreme sex.
Speaker 3:Oh that sucks.
Speaker 1:He thought it was gonna be an awesome sexcapade yes, longworth was allegedly killed after being attacked with a hammer to the back of his head, before Alfonso died from repeated stab wounds and then, apparently, masquera. He was also allegedly recorded singing and dancing following the attack, so he was having a great time while the while it was happening after the attack.
Speaker 1:So they were either dead or bleeding out, and he was just going through like his frolicking I'd fuck me, would you fuck me While it was happening, after the attack. So they were either dead or bleeding out and he was just going through his.
Speaker 3:Frolicking.
Speaker 1:I'd fuck me. Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 1:So he admitted to manslaughter, but the prosecution rejected his plea. They say Masquero could hardly deny killing Alfonso, as the attack took place while the pair were having sex and both the sex and the death were filmed. Whoa, so it's all on camera. This is why I don't want to be a juror. I don't, I can't. Two weeks of just watching this I don't. A part of me is like I have a sick fascination, but that's why I like movies like Terror of Fire. I like it to be fake. My friend Manny, he makes all the stuff. He does all the torsos.
Speaker 3:So talented, so talented.
Speaker 1:He just made a burnt corpse that has his cock and balls in his mouth. I know it's fake and I kind of need that.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But this video is obviously probably going to make people come on the dark web. Yeah, Ooh. Alfonso liked having. Quote extreme sex. Obviously I don't think he wanted to die. The prosecutor says that has nothing to do with this. Masquero described himself as a pornographic performer. He visited the UK from Colombia more than once to have sex with the couple in exchange for money and there's pictures and it shows all three of them smiling on a boat they're having fun.
Speaker 2:You don't want to kill your customers. Yeah seriously, what's going on? They're paying good money. Yeah it looks like they had money.
Speaker 1:Yep. Well, after the murder, he tried to steal money from the couple, attempting to send more than $5,000 to his own account.
Speaker 2:He is also accused of withdrawing more than $1,000 in cash, which $6,000 is nothing.
Speaker 3:You're in the one hill someone.
Speaker 1:London's more expensive than Los Angeles. It really is $1,000. I can pay all my bills in one day For the month he also did that at an ATM, which is like, yeah, you're gonna be caught. And then he also it's so weird, we're going to be caught, and then he also it's so weird. So some of the transactions were declined and then he made a PowerPoint document with all the couple's banking information. So he made a PowerPoint document.
Speaker 2:Which is the weird He'd lead the board of fucking psychopaths and show them Right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so his skills include dismembering bodies and proficient in Microsoft Excel and Google Sheets.
Speaker 2:Next slide please.
Speaker 1:It'll get you. Honestly, it would get you hired.
Speaker 2:You'd be CEO, yeah.
Speaker 1:So in the weeks leading up to the killing, apparently he did what all bad killers do he Googled, and his searches on his computer were serial killers of London, as well as movies about the infamous Victorian murderer Jack the Ripper. But that's not. He didn't ask how to fuck someone and then kill them. Serial killers of London is a normal. I mean, I have that on my search. I mean, who doesn't you want to know?
Speaker 3:the serial killers of London? Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1:But he denies murdering Longworth, who is a retired handyman from Ireland, and Alfonso, who was a swimming instructor from France.
Speaker 3:So it's international. I should try teaching swimming in France. That sounds nice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just as long as it's not in that river they have in the middle of the damn place in Paris, oh yeah, not the one where all the poop is on.
Speaker 2:The Cuccalacini's.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, no, I think that's in Italy. Yeah, the Caccolaccini River, that's over there.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, that trial is ongoing and we'll keep you updated.
Speaker 3:Wow, that's wild.
Speaker 1:We'll keep you updated, All right. Last episode we talked about a mysterious STD that occurred on the mouth of a Chinese gal after a night of karaoke Uh-huh. This story is equally disgusting. If you are a thrifter, be very, very careful, Jerry. Your entire life is being shattered.
Speaker 3:That's not true. I have a very expensive shopping addiction. I rarely go to thrift stores.
Speaker 1:Well, the thrift stores are more expensive than the gosh darn stuff fresh off the rack, they really are. So this guy you can look at his face. He got all messed up. It looks like he has boils on his face.
Speaker 3:Oh my god, that's real.
Speaker 1:That is real. That's not real.
Speaker 3:That's not real.
Speaker 1:I think it's real.
Speaker 3:This is bullshit, they're all ready to be just popped?
Speaker 1:Oh, one popped.
Speaker 3:I'm going to say they're all ready to be popped. He can just pop them, shave them, don't shave them. They're growing. Oh God, it looks like the mushroom fungus that's in that show, the Last of Us.
Speaker 1:He looks like he's about to turn into the fly.
Speaker 3:Jeff Goldblum of course Also that very early stages of fly.
Speaker 1:Experts say wash newly bought clothes before you wear them. One person found this out the hard way. Haley said that as soon as you wear them. One person found this out the hard way.
Speaker 2:Haley said that as soon as you said that Gotta wash before you wear.
Speaker 3:You always have to wash it before you wear it, especially thrifted and clothes. I don't do that ever. That makes sense, he contracted molluscum contagism Molluscum contagism.
Speaker 1:And it's a viral skin infection that consists of small raised bumps on the skin. Apparently, they say it's harmless, but it makes you look like a fucking ghoul that should live under a bridge. So it's not harmless.
Speaker 3:Uh-huh.
Speaker 1:The harm is your love life, everyone not being able to look at you anymore.
Speaker 3:That's not funny? No, it's not.
Speaker 1:And of course I mean I'll look past, I'll just, I would note it. Yeah, that's not funny, no, it's not.
Speaker 3:And of course I mean I'll look past, I'll just I would note it.
Speaker 1:Yeah and then. But after I get a friendship with him, I wouldn't even I could look past the bumps Right, right, right.
Speaker 2:But then he goes to give you a hug, goodbye, and you're like, yeah, no Well.
Speaker 1:I mean, we're a fist bump friend.
Speaker 2:You know, some friends are fist right. Is it because of the bumps on my face? No, no, I don't know I have.
Speaker 3:no, it's me. I don't want to get you sick. I feel like I'm coming down with something.
Speaker 1:No, no, I'm battling testicular. I have a testicular, whatever that is. I always just say that I'd be like I'm battling a testicular.
Speaker 3:There's another word.
Speaker 1:No, I know there's supposed to be another word no, no.
Speaker 3:You're just letting everyone fill it in in their brains.
Speaker 1:Fill it in. I got scrote rot. I got scrote rot, ew.
Speaker 3:It's a testicle, oh God. That's why you use so much baby powder.
Speaker 1:I do love it, it's because I want my balls minty fresh. Yeah, it's so weird his welts. He's been using this for content, so I guess that's kind of good. According to.
Speaker 2:Francis. That's why I think it's fake. If he's doing it for content, people would be hiding under a fucking rock. I mean not anymore.
Speaker 3:He should be crying Also everywhere else where the boils and weird stuff aren't. His skin is perfect. Right, there is not one pore on the outside of the spores.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but yeah, I mean, if the world, you think there would be some redness some irritation like blackheads, most of the road is good, it's the potholes that matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, but he's got. You're avoiding. You think you're just looking for the positive. You always look for the positive yeah, that's me, you're Dominican. Call me positive Jerry, that's what everyone calls me he's too joyful, yeah, she doesn't yell at me, doesn't make me want to cry, not some sort of bizarre karmic revenge that I have to be friends with you.
Speaker 1:So he received millions of views and thousands of comments. So it worked. Some empathized with him. They say I hope you get well soon and are as healthy as you were before. And then some people are like why don't you wash the clothes first? And then one person said new fear unlocked. So this is just another public warning that we give on this show constantly. I guess if you're in a thrift or even just buy from any, just wash the shit. You always wash clothes.
Speaker 2:But I don't.
Speaker 3:You don't.
Speaker 2:I don't, because I always wear it on holidays. I'll get like a Halloween costume or I will get like a shitty Christmas sweater there. And I'll just throw it right on and go to the party. Yeah, stay from there.
Speaker 1:Good for you, good for you I get my clothes from One Bone or King Size.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I just feel like Tall man's land. Tall man's land, destination Extra Large.
Speaker 3:Yes, and I just feel that any piece of clothing that is made just goes through a lot of hands within the process. So obviously, even if it's packaged really nicely, someone packaged it in there and you don't know how well, how clean they were, how unhygienic what else?
Speaker 3:it touched, Maybe a box dropped, spilled over next to a dirty warehouse floor, and then they just picked it back up and put it back in the box. I was like it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. And then it's all underwear, and then you just put it right on.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah of course you do that Face first.
Speaker 3:Just saying it's a good idea to wash all your clothes.
Speaker 1:As someone who's been traveling, I'veute. I believe I've built up a tolerance.
Speaker 3:And I'm strong because of that.
Speaker 1:So I want to thank all the wonderful, wonderful, wonderful places that I've gone. Okay, so it is not only a skin condition, but it can infect a whole bunch of other stuff, apparently. So it's real bad, doesn't?
Speaker 3:look good.
Speaker 1:According to the Mayo Clinic ringworm which affects the outer layer of the skin. It's itchy and scaly and contagious, it's kind of like that, and it can spread through clothes, towels and bedding.
Speaker 3:Oh, no, I've gotten that before. That's so sad. Can you stop yeah?
Speaker 2:you get it If you do high school wrestling, if you're a high school wrestler you get ringworm at some point.
Speaker 3:You do. Oh God, We've all had it. Teenagers A.
Speaker 2:A huge ring on my back.
Speaker 3:That's so gross, or like when they get those stupid cauliflower ears.
Speaker 1:It's kind of cool, though it's not.
Speaker 3:It's actually not I actually no, no, no, it's kind of tough. Yeah, you all think you're Rage and Bull.
Speaker 1:Rage and Bull.
Speaker 3:No, all right. Well, I don't know about that.
Speaker 1:That's a boxing movie, All right. Well, just lastly this is kind of a fun story from Florida. A person won $167 million.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's fun, Isn't that awesome.
Speaker 1:God, what would you do if you won that much money? Jerry, pay my debts, yeah. What else would you do?
Speaker 3:I would go to In-N-Out after that and that would cover everything. You would quit every job.
Speaker 1:You'd quit everything.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Number one. Then you'd give some money to me Give some money to Ben.
Speaker 3:Okay, I'd buy so much weed. You're going to die, it would never be a problem.
Speaker 1:Let's not win the lottery, let's do it the old-fashioned way Hard work and comedy. So a Powerball winner. He got $167 million. He was hanging out with his elderly mother but apparently he got in trouble because he kicked this cop in the head.
Speaker 2:Well, now he can afford to, so that's a good time to do it. Yeah, isn can afford to, so that's a good time to do it, yeah isn't that nice. He set aside some money for bail just so he could kick a cop as soon as he won.
Speaker 3:He's like I, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do something to get arrested.
Speaker 2:Yeah, fucking I've always wanted to do this. I've always wanted to do don't worry, I can pay for it it's fine, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fantastic so he's a kentucky dude.
Speaker 1:he won an eye-popping 167 million bucks uh with his elderly mother, but then was in handcuffs days later after kicking a Florida deputy in the face, and the cop was attempting to break up a bar fight. So he just went out and got into a fight with the cop.
Speaker 3:So he interfered on a fight that he wasn't even in on I think he started the fight and then the cop was like hey, stop fighting.
Speaker 1:And he's like fuck you. Now you're in the fight, that's hilarious.
Speaker 2:Don't you know how much money I have?
Speaker 1:He's going to be fine, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh, and he's going to be right back at it in like a couple days, he's probably spent $50,000 in tattoos already.
Speaker 1:Take 20 million just put it away, don't even think about it.
Speaker 3:People have friends that are tattoo artists and stuff. There's ways that you get tattoos, that's true.
Speaker 1:His name is James Farthing and his girlfriend her name. Interesting enough, jacqueline Fightmaster, isn't that cool.
Speaker 3:That's her stage name.
Speaker 1:Her last name is Fightmaster In, isn't that?
Speaker 3:cool, that's her stage name. Her last name is Fightmaster, in a stage name kind of way. She doesn't come from a long line of stage masters, she's a fightmaster.
Speaker 1:No, fightmaster, fightmaster.
Speaker 3:That's what I mean.
Speaker 1:So they were both arrested. And they were arrested at the Tradewinds Resort in St Pete, which is a fantastic place. And do you know where they bought the lucky ticket? Where Clark's.
Speaker 3:Pump and Shop Nice. That's where it was hiding this whole time.
Speaker 1:At the Pump and Shop man. If you're Clark, you gotta be like motherfucker.
Speaker 3:Seriously, I had that shit right near me. It was literally right here the entire time.
Speaker 1:Oh God, that's so. You're so close to just 167 million bucks. Yeah yeah, that's Fightmaster there, his girlfriend. She's real cute. She looks like someone that would get me into trouble. I mean, she's older, but she's cute.
Speaker 3:Looks like a master of fights.
Speaker 1:He's a former convict Soon-to-be convict as well. Yeah, the Georgetown Kentucky resident punched another hotel guest in the face during an argument, so he seems to just be punching everybody now that he won.
Speaker 2:Well, he also bought new teeth. Look at that smile.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, before he even got the arrest or the ticket the law enforcement officer said that he had some swelling and redness on the right side of his face following the alleged kick to the face. Farthing then tried to flee the scene, but he was unsuccessful. And then Fightmaster. His 42 year old girlfriend allegedly lived up to her name and then she drunkenly entered the bar and then she started a fight.
Speaker 3:Well, she must have won it.
Speaker 1:She's a master, yeah she is, and I actually think this couple is really adorable in a strange way. Yeah, they say.
Speaker 2:Fartmaster.
Speaker 1:Fartmaster 5000.
Speaker 2:That's when she goes to bed.
Speaker 1:Wow, you know you're into it. Fight Master appeared very intoxicated and was yelling, screaming and making incoherent statements. That's because they weren't fucking listening. These statements are only incoherent because you're not listening. So Farthing was then charged with battery of a law enforcement officer, a felony, and then a bunch of Mr Maynards, and then Fight Master was given a public intoxication and then they're booked and he's behind bars, but Fightmaster, she's released so she can just go fucking, have a whole bunch of fun. And the ticket itself, the ticket itself $2. Oh my God.
Speaker 3:The $2. Let's go to 7-Eleven. After this, I want to go to Clark's.
Speaker 1:Pump and Dump, whatever that was called Go get some goddamn scratch-offs.
Speaker 2:Yep. Well, this is the Powerball. This is the quick pick that the computer came up with on their own.
Speaker 1:That's wild. He said that he was going to split the winnings with his mother. Isn't that nice? Oh, that's so nice, nice, yep. So the duo can either gobble up 30 graduated annual payments or a cash lump sum of $77.3 million. I'm assuming they take the tax out. Mm-hmm, yep. And then Grizzle I guess that's his mother.
Speaker 2:Grizzle.
Speaker 1:His mom's name is Grizzle it's old Granny Grizzle.
Speaker 3:She's out there fighting people. It's old Granny Grizzle man.
Speaker 1:She said it's going to be a good Mother's Day. My son's in prison, yeah. And then she said this is going to pay off my debt. So you're much like that.
Speaker 3:What about the fact that your son's in prison? She's like I said, this is going to be a great Mother's Day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, have you ever seen him at parties? He just kicks a bunch of people in the face, fuck yes, this is the best thing he's ever done. Anyway, any comments?
Speaker 2:Chris is coming up with a lot of things lottery strategies, after you win. He said win the lottery in three things Get a lawyer, get a therapist and get an accountant. I've thought about this a lot. Great advice, Amazing advice. He's saying he's thought about it a lot because his dad won the lottery once, just over a million. But he honestly probably broke even with how much he played.
Speaker 1:Oh well, that's the other thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the other thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, don't gamble at all.
Speaker 1:Don't, no, don't gamble. Just take 30 million. You put that right away. You live off the interest forever and literally you can spend $40, you can just have fun.
Speaker 2:Chris is also saying never take the lump sum, otherwise you're guaranteed to go broke. But I could disagree with that, because if you get the 30 installed payments, people find out about it. They'll fucking kill you for it.
Speaker 1:Let's just wrap it up. You fucking Boston piece of trash, you absolute sewer rat. Okay, everyone thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 3:You're an asshole.
Speaker 1:You're just. That's not even. That's not even a second. That's okay. Hail yourselves, everyone. We'll be back. Hail yourselves, Bye, Bye-bye.