Approval Addiction

The series explores themes of comparison, body image, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and approval addiction. It delves into the impact of social media, seeking external validation, and the struggle with self-worth. The episodes emphasize embracing God's view of identity, freedom from human judgment, and anchoring identity in Christ's love and acceptance.

Takeaways

• Embrace God's view of identity
• Shift focus to God's approval

Chapters

• 00:00 Comparison and Social Media Trap
• 06:16 Identity in Christ and Trusting God
• 11:59 Defining Approval Addiction
• 18:14 Freedom from Condemnation
• 24:43 Accepting God's Unchanging Love
• 30:33 Living Free of Comparison and People-Pleasing

Website:  www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

Email:  amydonathan@hopeandhealing.faith

Transcript

Amy Donathan: Hey friend and welcome back to Encounters with the Well. I'm Amy Donathan and I cannot believe that we are at the end of this series of our identity and self-worth. ⁓ If you've been walking through these last four episodes with me, I just want to say a big thank you ⁓ for sticking with it and you have let God poke in some really tender spots. So I just want to give you a recap of like what we've gone through and what we've dealt with over the past five weeks. So... In the first episode, we did comparison and we talked about that social media trap where we compare our entire life to people's snapshot of what we see, whether it's on social media or at church or in the store. And then we think that we are less than. So in episode two we talked about body image and aging and we all do it ⁓ and we find that we put more of identity in what the mirror tells us or what the scale tells us or what our gene size tells us than who ⁓ Jesus says we are. In episode three we about people pleasing and that's a that's a big deal for a lot of people, me included, and it's exhausting to live that way. And because when we live that way, we let everyone's happiness say who we are and if we're okay. And then in episode four, we talked about perfectionism, always wanting to get it right. And we discovered that that is not doing excellent work. That is a form of control, trying to control everything around us to be safe. And what it really means is that we don't fully trust God to be able to handle the things in our lives. and it's a scary place, but that's where we are. However, underneath it all, and you're going to hear this said throughout this podcast, there's one question that sums all of those up, and it's, I enough? So today we are going to get to the root of that question. And really, it's approval addiction. And our era of social media has just made it worse. We are living for likes. and loves and comments and compliments and any kind of validation that tells us you're okay, you're enough, you're lovable. And I want to clear this up right at the beginning. It's not all about social media. That has a lot to do with it, but it's not. It's about our hearts that have forgotten how to live from God's approval and what he says in his words and started living for everyone else's approval. So if you ever caught yourself checking your phone a little too often, waiting for that text answer to come in, seeing likes, seeing if anybody commented, if you're waiting for somebody to notice that you did something, this episode is for you. So I'm going to paint you a picture. You post something. And maybe it's a vulnerable caption. Maybe it's a family photo. Maybe it's a verse that you read and you're like, somebody else needs to hear this and you hit share and you put your phone down and you walk away like the mature adult who definitely doesn't care what anyone thinks for about 30 seconds. And then your brain starts to scream. Go check. Go see if anybody liked it. Go see if anybody commented on it. Go see if anybody shared it. And so you open that app back up and if he likes pop up and some comments and a heart emoji and you feel that little internal. ⁓ They saw me. They saw my heart. They they enjoyed this. And and that's what you keep looking for. And 10 minutes later, you're back and you're not even really reading the comments. You're just refreshing to see if the numbers went up. And when it doesn't, your chest tightens some and you start wondering, did I say too much? Is it stupid? Did they think something bad? Did they think I was annoying? And let me just out myself for one second. Because this isn't hypothetical me just teaching you something that have a hold of. This is ⁓ me and how I run my life and actually what's going through my head right now. I do this work ⁓ all the time. Whether it's in therapy, whether it's in coaching, whether it's the podcast. or my question of the week on Facebook and Instagram. I'll post something or I'll share something. And I'm kind of thinking I am faithful to put this out there. And I want you to know, like my heart really is to help people through these podcasts and everything that I put out there. But I'm also five minutes later looking to see if anybody has listened, if anybody has liked, if anybody has shared it, who commented, who didn't comment. I noticed who who talked to me about it in person. and then I know that they've listened to it. I overanalyze my captions or wonder if I said too much or not enough or should I have worded it differently or do you know that I'm reading and I know that you know that I'm reading my script, but I have to do that. And then I think are they going to like that? Are they not going to like that? And it's exhausting to always want to know if I didn't do this, would they like me more? If I didn't do this, would they comment? And I'm not saying this to get comments. I'm just saying this is where my Brain is at. So on the outside, it looks like I'm being diligent about my business. I'm looking because I need to know what works and what doesn't work. And that's absolutely true. But on the inside, a lot of those checks are quietly saying, ⁓ am good enough? Why would anybody listen to me? ⁓ I matter. I don't think I put out good enough stuff. like that is all that's going on in my head. and so I just want to be real and honest with you that it's not just me teaching you these things that I am working on daily to overcome. and but maybe for you it's not social media at all. maybe it's walking in to work and scanning your boss's face to see if she's happy with you today or she's annoyed with you and taking whatever facial expression she has and making it personal. and thinking that you're not getting the approval if it's an angry face. Maybe it's replaying that comment from that coworker all night long and wondering if what you said back to them, if they liked it, or if they said to you something and ⁓ it was because of something that you said that they didn't approve of. Or maybe it was the idea you posted a meeting and you think about it like. was that stupid? are they gonna like me? are they gonna think that i'm a good worker? are they gonna think that i'm smart? ⁓ maybe it's raising teenagers and they talk back to you or they roll your eyes or your husband doesn't see what you do for him and doesn't respond and you feel invisible and you feel like you're not a good mom and you're not a good wife. maybe it's when you serve at church and nobody notices and you think why am i doing this? nobody cares. It's not making a difference. I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing what somebody else is doing. It looks like different things on the surface for everybody, but underneath again, that same question is, am I enough? Did I do enough? And here's where God has been gently, but firmly dealing with me. So I can quote to you Ephesians 2 10. I am his workmanship. I am his masterpiece. But there's a difference between knowing the verse and trusting that being his masterpiece is more true about who I am than however many people listen to my podcast. So I've had to come to this place of saying, Lord, I'm going to actually believe and choose to believe that you say that I'm your masterpiece and you mean it. I'm going to trust that you're going to nudge me to do what I need to do. because you know exactly who needs to hear this, who needs to see what I put out there, whether it's one woman or a thousand women. And I am actively trying to be okay if only one person listens to an episode or if nobody comments the question of the week. Not because I don't care about people and I don't care if I'm reaching them or I don't want to hear it, but because when I do that, and I worry about whatever everybody else thinks over my obedience to God. My confidence in my identity in Christ goes down. I have to trust that God is working ways that... working in ways that I cannot see and that my worth is not on the line for everybody's comments or shares or listens. My identity is as His masterpiece and it's defined only by His Word and not by any metrics. of any social media or any comment from any person. So when I talk to you about approval addiction, I really am not talking at you. I'm very much in this with you. but I want to put a clear name on this so we're just not like waving at a vague feeling. ⁓ There is healthy encouragement and it's okay. I mean it's great to get the thank you or appreciate that or that meant a lot to me or I really enjoyed that. It is great to get that, but we can't make that the substance of our identity. It has to just be the icing on the cake, the thing that comes extra. It can't be the focus. Because when it's that, it crumbles when we don't get it. But if we keep us being God's masterpiece as the center and we truly believe that, then when we do get the thank you, it's just it's extra and it's nice. But it's not something that we have to have. But approval addiction sounds different. It sounds sounds like if they're not happy, I'm not OK. Because I have to make them happy so they will like me. If no one notices, it doesn't matter. nothing that I do matter. they don't see me and I apparently didn't do enough. if someone criticizes me, I want to disappear because I didn't do it well enough. it looks like your whole day falls apart because your boss sent a short email and you read it in a snippy tone. it looks like feeling as a failure as a mom because your teenager rolled her eyes or doesn't like something that you said to her or a rule that you made for her. It's like resenting your husband because he didn't notice the thing that you did. And instead of talking about him, talking to him about it, you quietly decide that you're invisible. So here's a simple definition. And if you're a note taker, write it down. Approval addiction is needing external validation to feel stable about who you are. I'll say it again, approval addiction is needing external validation to feel stable about who you are. You're not just thankful for a compliment. You are dependent on it. And you're not just disappointed by criticism. You are wrecked by it. And underneath again and again, the whole question is, am I enough? Because when you get criticized, you don't feel like you're enough. You feel like a failure. When something you do doesn't make people happy and you keep working to try to earn their happiness and their love, you always feel like what you're doing isn't enough. And so approval addiction is what happens when we hand that question, am I enough to everybody but God and let them answer it? and I want to give you a spoiler. People are very inconsistent gods. One day you are the greatest thing since life spread and then the next day nothing. One season your gifts are celebrated and everything that you do is looked on as good and the next season they're taken for granted. People are human. They're busy. They're distracted. They're dealing with their own stuff. Building your identity on their reactions is like trying to build a house on a trampoline. So when we go back to thinking of the past episodes, that may seem individual, but really they all tie in together to that same question. The comparison, the aging, the people pleasing, the perfectionism. They all tie into that question. Am I enough to be loved, to be safe, to be wanted? So the approval addiction, getting other people's opinions, good opinions about what you're doing is like the power strip that everything else plugs into. And when we start unplugging those things and we start working on not being a people pleaser, working more for God than for other people, the reason that we do things is because of God, because of what he did for us. And this is how we show him how much we appreciate it. that when we start unplugging that, like they lose their power. Just like if you unplug anything from a power strip, it loses its power. And so that's what we're going to work on next. But I need you to know and I need you to hear God speak, not me. My words cannot set you free, but God's words can because they are absolute truth. And I am just as my pastor says, I'm just a beggar telling other beggars where the bread is. And friend, here's the bread. Ephesians 2 10. I talked about this earlier. For we are God's masterpiece created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Before you ever posted anything, led something, did something, fixed something, impressed a person, God called you his masterpiece, not his mistake. not his maybe-occuper-if-she-shapes-up, his masterpiece. And when you sit and think about a masterpiece, it is perfection. It is amazing. And that's what God calls you. So your worth didn't start with human approval. So it cannot end with human disapproval. And I want you to invite you to do something that I'm asking God to help me to do, to move that verse that we are His masterpiece, that He created things for us to do in advance. So he knows the things that has for you to do. And sister, I can tell you that that part of that, the beginning of that is loving God with everything, learning who he is, learning what he did, seeing the gravity of what he did on the cross for us and letting that love and that grace and that mercy that he shows us just flow out from us to other people. It's loving him with everything and loving others. And that's where it starts. and everything else are just details. But that's where it starts. And so I want you to move that verse to be a central verse in your life. And you can even pray something like, Jesus, I choose to believe you when you call me your masterpiece. Even when the numbers don't, teach my heart to trust your word more than I trust anybody else's word. Then in Zephaniah 317, The Lord your God is with you. The mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you. He will rejoice over you with singing. I don't know who first made you feel like you were too much or not enough, but it wasn't God. He delights in you, not in the cleaned up Instagram filtered version of you. You right now in your leggings with dishes in the sink. In Romans 8-1 it says, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And here's what that means if you are after approval. That your life is not on trial, not with God. You are not standing in front of a jury of family members, co-workers, church peoples, and followers waiting for their verdict of you because heaven already issued one. no condemnation. case closed. everything has been paid for. everything has been taken care of. When Jesus died on the cross and he said it is finished, he meant it is finished. The condemnation that you hold and you feel is not from God. If you know Jesus, it's not from God. It's from Satan sitting on your shoulder saying you are not good enough. You are not enough. You need to do, you need to please, you need to look better. They're so much better. That's what he's saying. God's saying. You are my masterpiece. There is no condemnation because you are mine. In Isaiah 43 one, do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name. You are mine. right there is your identity statement. you are not the one who always lets people down. you're not that person. you are not the funny one, the pretty one, the successful one, the spiritual one, or whatever role you've been cast in. You are his. That's it. You are his. You can let those titles, those roles drop and just rest in the fact that you are his. In 1 John 3, 1, it says, see what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God and that is what we are. not what we're trying to be, not what we'll be if we can just get our stuff together. That's what we are. Present tense. Settled fact. You are a child of God, a child of the King, a child of the Creator, a child of the one who came and died for you. you belong to him who loved you so much that he died on the cross for you. you were his joy set before him to go endure the cross. he saw you and he said that was mine. i will do this for her because i have these things planned for her. she is my masterpiece. i have these plans. i love her. i see this in her. i see this potential. She is my child. And finally in Colossians 3, 1 through 3, set your hearts on things above. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. Hidden with Christ. That's opposite of living your whole life, hanging out in public, waiting for a thumbs up from people who may or may not give it. So you can be misunderstood and not come apart. You can be unseen, but still be fully seen by God and know that. You can be criticized and it won't make you crumple because your core, who you are, is anchored in somewhere else. It also means that if only one person listens to the podcast, if only one woman reads your post and never comments, or if one thing that you've poured your heart into lands with a hard thud, It's not failure. It's obedience. You are doing it because you love God. And that's the only reason. Not for the approval. And please remember, God is working in you in ways that you cannot see. In hearts that may never know that you did something. But because of what you did, it affected them greatly. you may not know any of that the sight of eternity, but your identity, even if nobody listens to your podcast, even if nobody notices the things that you do at church, or the kindness that you gave to somebody, ⁓ a stranger on the street that didn't say thank you, none of that matters for your identity in Christ. You are enough because God says you are, not for anything that you do. And for those of you that have children, this is how it, this is how I understand it the most. My kids can mess up royally and they can say things that are hurtful and do things that I question that I know aren't good for them. But my love for them never changes. How I will help them never changes. if they come and ask me for help, i will be on a plane to get to their house as soon as i can. i will drive to their house, i will fly to their house, i will get to their house, i will be there to help them. that never changes. it doesn't matter what they do. and they can't. it would it would hurt my heart if i thought that they were doing something to earn my love. that they thought that they had to do that to earn my love. because that's not how a parent's love works. And so I want you to think of that in light of we are imperfect parents, but God is a perfect parent. And so it doesn't matter what we do. He's going to love us anyway. We will always be enough for him because he says we are. made us. And so friend, I want you to hear that. If you don't hear anything else that I say today, hear that. As his daughter, his love for you never changes. His delight in you never changes. His want to be a part of your life and help you never changes no matter what you do. And you can't earn it. You can't do anything good enough to earn it. It's just spinning your wheels when you try to do that and it makes you feel worse and worse and worse because you will never feel enough until you accept that God says you are enough. You are my masterpiece. answer. you are enough for me to create. you are enough for me to redeem. enough for me to call you by name. enough for me to die for and enough for me to delight in. keep that close to your heart when you are people pleasing or comparing or trying to be perfect or thinking that aging is something to hide. That was a lot. And I want to leave you because the therapist in me cannot leave you without some tools. And so we're going to kind of switch gears here and talk about how we actually do this and how you can get that approval detox, not a crash diet, but kind of a gentle reset. And I'm going to have a worksheet that there's going to be a link to in the description for you to take if you want. You see yourself in this and you're like, I need to get out of people's approval and get into knowing what God thinks of me. step one, name your approval sources. So this week, grab a journal and write down the people, places or platforms whose reactions hit you the hardest. Might be your boss, spouse, child, friend group, ladies at church or social media. Next to each one, I want you to ask yourself, How do I feel when I think they approve of me? So when you think that you have their approval, how do you feel? How do you feel when you don't think that you have their approval? And if anyone's opinion feels heavier than God's in a particular area, that's not something to be ashamed of. So don't shame yourself or guilt yourself over this. ⁓ It's just, don't know what you don't know. And until you like look at something and bring it to light, you can't fix it. It's just a place to invite him in to help you. So step number two, let God's voice be the first, like, love, and comment in your day. So for the next seven days, before you open any app or check any notification, I want you to read one of the verses that we just talked about. Ephesians 2 10, Zephaniah 3 17, Romans 8 1, Isaiah 43 1, or 1 John 3 1. And then pray something simple. Jesus. Let your voice be the loudest one I hear today. That's it. Five minutes tops. But that tiny shift from phone first or email first to God first will start to retrain your mind and your heart where to look for approval. The more you do something, the more it becomes a habit and the more you start believing it. Step three, do one act of obedience that no one may ever applaud. So this week ask God, is there one thing that you're inviting me to do that might not get noticed or praised? Maybe it's encouraging someone privately and not publicly. Setting a boundary with a person that you've been people pleasing. That can be hard for some people. Saying no to something that may make you look good, but you know it's not for the season in your life. Having that hard honest conversation with your spouse instead of keeping the peace so he'll like you in that moment. Saying what you really think in a meeting instead of mirroring other people because you want to be seen as the easy employee. And sharing something honest that God asks you to say and then don't check how it performs. Do it because you know that God put it on your heart to tell somebody else and that is enough. So I'm not just handing you homework. I am working on this too. And one of the things that I am practicing, trusting God with is my content and my business. That means I'm recording this episode that he asked me to record. It's gonna get posted on Friday because this is what he's put on my heart and I'm gonna leave the results to him. I am gonna try not to check. It's gonna be hard, but I'm not gonna try to... to check it every day. Maybe I'll check once a week to see how it did, but that's it. But I'm going to make sure that I don't hold what I think of myself based on that. And I'm going to come back to Ephesians 2 10. And I'm going to know that if one woman listens to this and it affects her and it helps her grow closer to Jesus, that is enough for me. I want that to be enough for me. I don't need to see the fruit to know that God can make the fruit. And once that you start doing this. Satan is going to tell you, no, you need to know, you need to know. They don't like you. They didn't comment. There's a search to go back to that. obey without applause. When you do that, the approval addiction, and it is an addiction, it will lose its grip little by little. So as we close this series, I want you to hear my heart. You were never meant to live like your worth was on a scoreboard. Like you were trying to get more good than bad. You were never meant to wake up every day and wonder if you've done enough, impressed somebody enough, looked good enough, or pleased enough people to be okay. Jesus did not go to the cross so you could live changed the opinions of other humans. He came so you could live free of comparison, of people-pleasing, of body shame, of perfectionism, and from the addiction of approval by others. who you are holding on to to tell you if you're enough. and not knowing that God has already answered that question for you. this series... has stirred something in you. Please note, it's not my words. It's the Holy Spirit working in you because that's what he loves to do. He likes to remind his daughters who they are, whose they are. So again, in the show notes, I'm going to put a link to the simple approval detox to help you walk this out over the next week. It's not homework. It's learning to change your perception of what is actually true. we end, I'm going to say this prayer. Dear Jesus, thank you so much for this series. Thank you so much for ⁓ wanting us to know how much you love us and how much you... You want us to get our approval from you and only you because what you say about us is the absolute truth. So Lord, I pray for every woman who knows you, who's listening to this to, to lean into that there is no condemnation in knowing you, that you do not hold things over her head, that you don't wait for her to clean up, to come to you, that you are always right there just waiting for her to turn to you. And I pray that you help her to realize when she is seeking approval of others and not approval from you. I pray that she lays it all down, the comparison, the body shaming, the people pleasing, the perfectionism. She lays that all at your feet. and she remembers that you made her a masterpiece and you made works for her to do. And when she lays those down, you give her the courage to go and step out in faith to do what you call her to do. Not people pleasing, not trying to get it perfect, but just in obedience. And Lord, I pray for the one that doesn't know you. I pray that if she listened to this series, that she knows that her identity can only be found in you. That everything else is like shifting sands and it changes. and it will fall apart when it's taken away. But you stand firm and you perfect her. And only in you can she find the peace and the comfort. And so Lord, I pray that if she doesn't know you, that she just prays to you too, that she believes that you are who you say you are. You came, you were born of a virgin, you came, you lived, you died, you rose again, all because... You loved her and you wanted her to be yours. And all she has to do is accept that and know that she, she already knows that she messes up, but she needs to know that you accept her just how she is and that she accepts this free gift from you. And I just thank you so much for all that you have done, Lord, in this series. And I pray in expectation of all that you're going to do. In your name, amen. So thank you for being here. Thank you for being willing to do this hard work. and looking at your identity in God and looking at what you truly believe, and then looking at what is actually true. You are seen. You are not alone. And you are already loved and approved by Christ. And I will see you in the next series.