Body Image, Aging, and Our Identity in Christ

The conversation explores the topics of body image, aging, and identity in Christ, focusing on the experiences and insights of Jessica Nelson, a gerontology professional. It delves into the cultural messages about aging, the importance of health, and the need to embrace aging while prioritizing self-care and mental well-being. The conversation explores the themes of embracing aging with grace, the impact of faith on aging, the lies women believe about aging, the joy of aging, and practical steps for embracing aging. It emphasizes the importance of volunteering and highlights the positive aspects of aging, encouraging a shift in mindset and behavior.

Takeaways

• Body image and aging
• Identity in Christ Embracing aging with grace
• The importance of volunteering

Chapters

• 00:00 Introduction and Podcast Struggles
• 07:13 Aging and Identity in Gerontology
• 12:59 Cultural Messages About Aging
• 25:29 Embracing Aging and Self-Care
• 32:01 Embracing Aging with Grace
• 39:36 The Lies Women Believe About Aging
• 50:29 The Joy of Aging
• 56:07 Practical Steps for Embracing Aging

Website:  www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

Email:  amydonathan@hopeandhealing.faith

Transcript

Amy Donathan: Hey friends and welcome back to Encounters of the Well. I'm Amy Donathan, your host, and I'm so glad that you're here today. It has been a couple weeks since I've recorded anything. Well, not really. I did record and I stuck it in the trash, but you'll hear about that in a little bit. But I want to be honest with you. I started this podcast because I wanted it to be real and to be honest and life happened. The next podcast after my last one was supposed to be about people pleasing. And I recorded it and I listened to it and I hated it. And so I tossed it in the trash and then life happened. I got busy. Things came up and I did not get a chance to record a podcast before I went out to my daughter's house. And so I flipped some things around and today is going to be an awesome day because we're going to talk about something that I think a lot of us deal with our body image aging and and who we really are in Christ. And so This all came about at a women's retreat that I met my friend Jessie and we just got talking about what she does and she told me that you know she worked in gerontology and I said ⁓ my gosh you have to come on my podcast and she said yes I would love that so it just it was such a god thing that we met for so many reasons. ⁓ We have a new friendship. We just talked a lot that weekend and for this because my podcast is totally about the things that women deal with that sometimes we don't always talk about or we don't know who to talk about or we don't know what to believe. And so that's why I wanted to have Jesse on. Our last podcast was all about comparing ourselves, especially social media and seeing things. And today's podcast is not comparing ourselves to other people, but probably comparing ourselves to who we used to be, especially who we see in the mirror and who we used to see in the mirror. And so I am just excited to have Jessie on today. ⁓ She is such a sweet, sweet person and she loves what she does. I could tell that when I talked to her that she just absolutely loves helping people with this. And so that made me so excited to have her come on so we can talk about our body image. as we age and really our identity in Christ because as much as she loves what she does, she loves Jesus more and I got that just from a weekend of talking to her. So grab your coffee, get comfortable, and let's have this conversation. So Jesse, thank you so much for coming on. Tell me a little bit about yourself. You're welcome and in your work in gerontology.

Jessica Nelson: Thank you for having me. So my name is Jessica Nelson and I grew up in Mississippi and Louisiana in the South. And I started off my career as an actual elementary school teacher. So I went through college and got a bachelor's of education. And at 22 years old, I knew nothing and started teaching. I was a first grade, kindergarten, second grade teacher. And along the way, ⁓ Teaching just became very routine, very automated. In August, we knew that we had to clear eight or classrooms and get them all pretty and come up with the best bulletin board. And it just became redundant to me. And I just knew I needed more. And lo and behold, like we talk about all the time, God changes your path that you don't know about. And at the time, my husband, who is no longer my husband, he said, let's go to St. Louis. And I was like, ⁓ I don't know about that. That is a huge move. But now that I look back, St. Louis kept being part of subliminal messaging, whether I heard it through podcasts, where I heard it through, or podcasts wasn't around back then, but radio and television and things. And we decided to move. And when I came here, I couldn't find a job. It was 2009, it was recession. And the only thing after a year of looking was my next door neighbor. Of all the places I could move to in a huge town of 50,000 people, I moved in next door to a woman who worked for a group of gentlemen who owned nursing homes. And along that way, I became, I started working in nursing homes where it was in St. Louis and it was, the worst place in the world to work. It was definitely a trial by fire. I jumped into the deep end feet first, and I had to sink or swim and I needed a job. So it was a behavioral health home for older adults. And I loved it. I worked there seven years because they were the riffraffs.

Amy Donathan: you

Jessica Nelson: that everywhere else did not want to take care of them any longer. And so I knew they, felt like they needed me. I felt like ⁓ I felt a good sense of purpose whenever I was around them. And ⁓ I also started working in more of a gerontology environment too. And I was hooked within the first month because school teaching is great, but you wish one day that a kid would come back to you and say, hey, Mrs. Nelson, you changed my life. But that's wishing, you you don't see those fruits of your labor right away. But whenever I worked with gerontology, I began to see the fruits. I could hold people's hands on their deathbed. I was a business office manager. All I did was deal with money, with accounting and spreadsheets. But when I was passing out money to people and I saw that someone was, you know, joining hospice and starting the decline,

Amy Donathan: Right. one.

Jessica Nelson: I could go hold their hand. I could pray for them. I could give them a hug and give them, give them peace of mind and play gospel music and their favorite songs and be there with them. When everybody else went home, I could stay an hour or two or come in on weekends and just be that person for them. And so when that happens, I was hooked. I couldn't do, there was no teaching anymore. And somewhere along the way I've decided, somehow with God's grace, I've mirrored the two and

Amy Donathan: ⁓ yeah.

Jessica Nelson: I do teaching for primarily dementia, ⁓ in my career I started going to places and homes that needed dementia, extra dementia education. And so that's primarily what I do now is just instructional design and education.

Amy Donathan: Nice, nice. So if we're gonna talk about like women and how we are, when did you first start noticing the connection between aging and a woman's sense of identity and self-worth?

Jessica Nelson: right away. It's all started. when I got more into assisted living versus skilled nursing. I went backwards in a lot of ways. I went from skilled nursing to assisted living, and then to non-for-profits where people are deciding and trying to figure out what to do with their loved one when they're still at home. So I went backwards. And when I started going to assisted living, those are the times when they have those conversations, especially whenever they're just regular assisted living, not memory care, and they fall in.

Amy Donathan: Ha

Jessica Nelson: and they can no longer stay at home any longer. And so they would ⁓ have to. to make the decision to move into nursing home. So at that point, that's when I started realizing it, because I'd go in, I would say, hello, how are you? How's it going? And they would be so lonely, so, so lonely, because along the way back in, when they first started developing families, they became nurturers. They became the people that provided all the care. And when their kids moved away, they no longer had that opportunity.

Amy Donathan: Mm-hmm.

Jessica Nelson: to broad-broad care anymore. And then they kind of just got stuck along the way of what do I do with my life? And it wasn't until like now they don't have their families that they wish would come see them. They're stuck in the spot where they are all alone and they want... no one to come see them, but they want everyone to come see them. It's a vicious like kind of cycle they get in because they want to be independent, but yet they want to still have that self, that identity and self worth, but they don't know how to gain it. And so it becomes a vicious vicious cycle that we don't know how to get out of. So how do we change that need? It starts with the decision and the shift in a behavior.

Amy Donathan: Yes.

Jessica Nelson: belief or an environment and it doesn't start when you're 85 years old moving in the nursing home. It starts now. It starts in your 20s. It starts when your children start driving and then you cry and bawl because you don't know what to do any longer. It starts then that the behavior has to change because Amy you have older

Amy Donathan: Yes.

Jessica Nelson: children as I have a 16 year old and an older child and my last last child ⁓ turned 16 back in May of this past year.

Amy Donathan: Yes.

Jessica Nelson: And when she cried, I cried like a baby when she got her license because part of me, my sense of identity was in jeopardy. You know, I was her mother and when she leaves, what am I going to do? And so it's starting, it took me about a month to realize that this is something I'm just going to have to change my behavior with and start trying to find more sense of identity in myself. so Psalms 129.14 says, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Amy Donathan: Mm-hmm. Yes.

Jessica Nelson: God made us for a purpose. And so God purchased us with the blood of Jesus so that what better way to show our love for him than is to use our lives for his glory. And so what do we do is we focus on our strengths. We focus on our spiritual gifts. We focus on those things that God gave us. instead of just trying to find our sense of identity in all the wrong places, we find it in ourselves and in him. And without him, we can't do that.

Amy Donathan: Exactly. Yeah. And I think, I think for moms, ⁓ it's so, our identities are wrapped up in being a wife and being a mom and, and less in what we do as a career. think for men, like their career is where their identity is at. And so that lasts for a long, you know, longer than we have our kids at home. And so when, they're gone, Who are we? Or if our husband dies, who are we? If that's where our identity is wrapped up. And so I love that you said that we have to make some choices and make some behavior changes and not see ourselves just as Allie and Sam's mom or Jeff's wife. That's something I do and I love it, but that's not who I am.

Jessica Nelson: because we are worth more than that.

Amy Donathan: yes.

Jessica Nelson: we are and we have to look in the mirror and just take time to reevaluate as along the way. There's intervals of our body changes, there's intervals of our mind changing, and of course there's gonna be intervals of our emotions changing. And when that occurs, if you're just crying all the time or you're just believing things that are not true, you've gotta reevaluate and try to figure out what to do. And of course you're not always gonna figure it out at first, but just the identification of deciding that this is

Amy Donathan: you

Jessica Nelson: what's wrong. Okay, I don't know how to fix it, but you will give yourself some grace that in a week or two or a month or a year, you'll figure it out with God's help.

Amy Donathan: Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's, you know, we pray for these things and we're like two-year-olds and want instantaneous, you know, what we want, what we want. We want what we want when we want it and that's right now. And that's not how any change happens. Like any lasting change. It doesn't happen instantaneously. It takes practice and renewing your mind and thinking differently and choosing to think differently. So what messages do you see that our culture send women about aging? And how do those messages affect how we see ourselves? Like what have you seen in your work?

Jessica Nelson: Well, in my and especially in grad school, we learned a lot about this seeking my gerontology degree. And Western culture is the worst. The United States, it just is somewhere along the way back in like the 1950s and 1960s. We completely promoted hospice care and we completely promoted funeral homes. And we took a lot of the aspects of caring for your loved one inside of our homes and we started paying for those services instead of making it very family centered and family oriented. And so when we did that, we as women, we took those opportunities and we ⁓ just don't always prioritize taking care of our loved ones any longer. We look at it more like a burden than we do as an actual privilege to do so. And so And women, unfortunately, get at the worst because of that sense of worthlessness, because of that sense of lack of self identity and that because they're there, they don't have an identity. They struggle with being alone. then so some families look at them as, you know, being unrealistic and being nags and things. And so it just drives more of the family members or children or sisters or brothers or aunts and uncles to just pull back away. from them, even though that's not what they need. They really need love. They really need support. They really need our attention and the busier our lives get, you as you know, as well as I do, I grew up in the, you know, the eighties and the nineties and life was so much slower than it is now. There's such a priority to just keep going, going, going, going. And it just because we allow things to get in our way of like things for our children.

Amy Donathan: Yes. Yes.

Jessica Nelson: we take opportunities away from our families. And so what other cultures like the Asian cultures, they call it, I know I might mess this up, but they call it filial piety, and that's to promote through respect. So what that is, is a complete and utter respect for the family that where whenever they grow older. and they become more fragile and then an inability to take care of themselves at home, the family stay step in no matter who it is because they kind of stay closer. And so if an aunt has to step in and take the morning shift to get mom ready and then a night shift, the daughter has to step in and get mom ready. That becomes the priority or where the loved one moves in. The mom moves in and then they all just take care of them. We don't always do that. I do know. some families who do and it's hard. It's not easy. Nobody says that caring for an older adult is easy, but it is also very necessary and very respectful that we do that to our women primarily and our loved ones because women live longer than men. you, did anybody know that on this call? They do. They do. So that's why it's such a, that's why the focus seems to always be on women more than it is on

Amy Donathan: Yes, yes, absolutely. ⁓

Jessica Nelson: to aging because they do live significantly longer than men do.

Amy Donathan: Do you think that in, and this isn't one of the questions that I sent you, but just something that popped into my head, do you think that, we go to the doctor ⁓ and we're older, know, perimenopause, post-menopausal women that, ⁓ and you we have things happening in our bodies they don't. I always said, you know, at 50, like all the all the lights came on, like in your car. And like, I didn't know what they were like. I'm like, what is this pain? Why is my body doing that? Why am I gaining weight there? Like, what is going on? And but then you hear from doctors like, well, it's just it's just your age. Like pretty much second up buttercup. This is just the way it's going to be. Do you feel that that our culture?

Jessica Nelson: I love when you said that. you

Amy Donathan: kind of lends to that then you will be in a nursing home or then you will be in assisted living because you know that's just the way things things go and there's nothing nothing you can do.

Jessica Nelson: at 1,000%. You know why it's like that? Because people lack of education towards the topic. Not everybody understands menopause or perimenopause. It just became like a topic of conversation probably in the last 10, 15 years. And so now it's just kind of, we are creaking open the door of talking about that. With aging, it's just the exact same thing. I once read an article that said,

Amy Donathan: you

Jessica Nelson: that, and of course it's dementia based, because that's just my expertise. in the actual article, it talked about how 90 % of doctors do not know when mild cognitive impairment ends and when dementia begins, because they just don't have that knowledge base of really what dementia looks like. And it's not really even just dementia. It's just because they don't understand what you know, what the aging aspects are. and they don't prioritize it as often. And so you do have those wonderful ⁓ doctors that do understand gerontology, but then you have the most of them don't because in, they they're going to medical school, gerontology is not, they don't have like a section, a semester on gerontology. They don't, they just kind of skip over it. And so it just doesn't always become that topic that everyone wants to. to talk about because modern medicine and or the Western culture do not prioritize talking about aging. They just would rather just kind of roll over, ⁓ that's just the way it is. You're just supposed to go to a nursing home whenever you fall. And it's not always the case, there's options. There's always options.

Amy Donathan: Yeah, and that's what I was going to ask you. Do you feel that because of that mindset, if that's just the way it is, that we are missing ways to not prevent aging because we are going to age, you know, as long as God has us here on this earth, we are going to age. aging well, like, you feel like there's a lack of help in that area because they're just like, nope, this is just part of getting older.

Jessica Nelson: They minimize the interventions that could occur because they just don't know and this is just how it always is. It doesn't always have to be that way and that's just because like I said, back in the 1950s, we all kept mom and dad at home. Now, if they fall, they break a hip and they can't go back home. Well, why can't they? Why, you know, that doesn't always have to be. You have to have a very, very strong support system at home where you have this medication coming this way, therapy coming in home, people, sitters coming home. You have to have a great support system. But why can't we at least entertain that idea of ours to just say, nope, can't do it.

Amy Donathan: Yeah, and even before that, so you don't break a hip. Like, what are the things that we can do to keep from that?

Jessica Nelson: Mm-hmm. ⁓ well, I'm glad you asked that because I had that written down too. So, so have you ever seen this is what popped in my mind when I was going through this information. have you ever seen is your one of your favorite shows Golden Girls? I love them.

Amy Donathan: I told you I'd go in order, but it's not happening. I love golden girls. I loved golden girls until I found out how old they were when they were shooting it. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm older than so.

Jessica Nelson: I'm sorry. So the most ironic thing I've ever seen, which has stopped me dead in my tracks when I walked through the nursing or assisted living one day, is when I saw all of my friends at the assisted living community watching Golden Girls. was, it's so ironic. It's so ironic, but it's so fun. there's a couple of years ago, there was a picture or a meme that was floating around social media that saw you know, like whether or not the golden girls was filmed this day in age, just as really what they would look like. And it's basically they'll have fillers and Botox and you know, they've had facelifts and they look completely and utterly different. Okay. And that's our society. Now they think that, you know, aging is a priority. Excuse me. It's not a priority. is staying youth is a priority. So everyone gets their facelifts, their fillers, their Botox is all of that. But aging gracefully is not about that. It's really not. It's not marketing, okay? Because we don't live, we live in the world, but we're not of this world. We're trying to get somewhere else if you're woman of faith. And so instead of just looking at the things that are of the world, we can look at other things that we can do in order to age gracefully. And some of the things we can do is instead of look at our... look at our, think about our looks and our wrinkles and our bags and our gray hair that comes out. We can look, yeah, it's, I just went to the airstylist like two weeks ago, so I'm good, you ⁓ But we can focus on our health, focus on our health, because I read something the other day that sometime around the age of, you know, 30, 40, what you do to your body now, completely, ⁓

Amy Donathan: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica Nelson: helps with the trajectory of how you're gonna age. And by like 80%, like it's a huge number. And so if you think about your health, you start thinking about, can I pick my own body weight up? Okay, I'm 46 years old. I haven't gone to the gym in two years ever since I started gerontology school. It's an issue. I went and got my BMI done the other day and I almost wanted to cry because it's not great. Not that big, but I guess I just got, it's just all tucked everywhere, you know, underneath this black. But ⁓ can I pick my own body weight up? You I don't know if I can even do it right now. I mean, I can, but as I get to 60, am I still gonna focus on that? Or am I gonna focus on my wrinkles? You know, how's my balance? We were testing at my husband's family's house. We were testing balance, because his mother is going to physical therapy. And so she was showing us what she's been doing.

Amy Donathan: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica Nelson: in physical therapy and it's all about balance. It's all about walking that straight line like you're getting a DUI or something, but it's important for you to keep that going. What do you see yourself like in five to 10 years? Okay, and not physically, but also emotionally and mentally, because it all ties together. Your mental capacity ties to your emotion system and your emotional system ties to your physical system and it all ties together. So where do see yourself?

Amy Donathan: Yeah Absolutely.

Jessica Nelson: Do you want to go to a nursing home? If you don't really want to go to a nursing home, please don't put that on your family and say, I never want to go to a nursing home because there's so much guilt behind that because things change over time. Your body, you may have a heart attack or a stroke and they can't take care of you. But they're feeling anxious because they made a promise to you years ago not to put you in a nursing home. You may not want to go there, but if you have to, how is that going to be? Are you going to be the curmudgeon in your room?

Amy Donathan: Right. I'm Right.

Jessica Nelson: Are you gonna be the one that's like Betty White that comes out and just happy as a clam and just have you see everybody? Are you gonna wanna volunteer when you retire? Are you volunteering now for those who are listening who are retired? Because volunteering is so important. There's so much data behind it that there's no bad things about volunteering. Right now I see denial. And when you ask the hard question,

Amy Donathan: Yeah. you Right.

Jessica Nelson: It's just more denial. Well, ⁓ it's just denial needs to not be your forefront. You know, we are going to age. Nobody guarantees once we are born and through our 20s that we're not gonna age. have, we are aging and it's okay because there's wonderful things about aging that we'll talk about in a.

Amy Donathan: Yes. ⁓ Yeah, absolutely. And ⁓ I have found, you know, kind of going back to, you know, the choices that we make and how we're going to do things. And I told my workout partner the other day, said, I am no longer working to get skinny. I'm working to be able to get up off the floor of my grandbabies get here and I need to chase them. Like I want to be able to without furniture around. Like if I sit down on the floor and there's no furniture around, can I get up?

Jessica Nelson: Mm-hmm.

Amy Donathan: and to be stronger. And like you said, know, lift my own body weight. And so, you know, looking into things like that. But I think there are so many things and, you know, I love that you brought out, you know, we are going to age. That is a fact. And ⁓ I told my daughter one time, I was a positive realist, and she said, that's not possible because reality sucks. And I think we get into this headspace of

Jessica Nelson: Mm-hmm.

Amy Donathan: losing the way that we look. Like I do not have the body or the face or the hair that I did when I was 22. and being able to accept, okay, well this is what I do have, this is where God has me right now, what can I do? That's a positive part I think. This is my reality, is this body that I'm in right now, what can I do to help it be stronger, be better, be more healthy? Because I don't want to go to a nursing home. I also don't want to live with my children if I need, if... if that is an option I tell them like I don't want you to have to do that because I know when my grandma had to go in it was because my mom had cancer she couldn't take care of him or take care of her ⁓ my uncles couldn't have her and then my sisters and I we all had to work full-time and so did our husband so we didn't feel comfortable like having her in our house and knowing that we had to go to work because we couldn't bill wise we couldn't quit and so ⁓ And I felt so bad having her go there, but knowing that we couldn't do it. And so I don't want to put that on my kids. I just told myself, put me in a nice beachfront nursing home and I'll be okay.

Jessica Nelson: Mm-hmm. So can I go back to something you said about your body? you talked about whenever you're 20, you don't look the same as you do whenever you're 20. So again, instead of focusing on your looks, well, let's think about how we have matured, how we have grown intellectually. I have learned so much in the past.

Amy Donathan: Yes.

Jessica Nelson: you know, 25 years working as a school teacher working in the nursing homes. I've learned how to manage. I've learned how to be a leader. I've learned how to not take things so seriously. I have learned, you know, I've become a deeper, deeper faith and deeper understanding of my Bible and spending time in the Word and all of that. Do if we could ask ourselves today, yes, we may want to go back to our looks, but do you want to go back to our intellectual level when we were 20 or 30, we probably would say no because we would want those looks, but we'd also want that intellectualism. But I don't think that God is allowing us to do that. So we just kind of have to take, take what we, the gifts that we are given with being the smart people that we are now and focus on what we've gained and how much we're going to grow in the future and not really the past. I think Zig Ziglar said it best when he said, don't look back.

Amy Donathan: No ma'am. No, no, no, No.

Jessica Nelson: You're not going that way. to the future.

Amy Donathan: Yes, and I think that that goes back to what we talked about earlier about our identity and self-worth if it is all rooted in how we look in the mirror and how we perceive others seeing us Because I know not living in my hometown going back Being the size I am now when I was 97 pounds like when I left my hometown Like that's a big thing in my head. It's like I'm gonna go back and see these people and they're gonna be like, ⁓ my gosh, she's so fat but I love, you know, I love, love, love what you said about, you know, I would not want to be who I was when I left my hometown. Not mentally, emotionally, intellectually. I know not at all. And so this body that I have, can, I can work with this. I can lift heavy weights or as heavy as I can to build up that strength so I can get up off the floor. I can eat healthy things because I like the way they taste also. And I can also have a piece of cake if I want to. Just can't be my whole diet. And so it's workable.

Jessica Nelson: We talk about loving our children and taking care of them, but the best way to take care of them is to take care of ourselves. Because when you're getting to that point where you are struggling with taking care of your own self, there's ways, like you can be total care or you could be helpful care. And it's just to be the best version of yourself that you can be physically, mentally, and emotionally for them. Because if and when you ever do decline, it's just going to be better for all everyone if you've attacked those mental capacities. Because I'll go back to dementia for just a second. Like, there's been so many, like, because back in the day, back in, you know, 40s and 50s, mental health was not talked about. And it wasn't addressed. And it was basically just suck it up, buttercup. You're going to have to just, you know, stop crying. I'll give you something to cry about type of type of mentality.

Amy Donathan: Yes? Yes? Uh-huh.

Jessica Nelson: But those emotions are embedded in you and guess when they come out? They come out whenever they're in the nursing homes or whenever they, know, everybody's left them and the people, your loved ones, your children. your grandchildren are the ones that get to see all those emotions. So if you're in your 40s now and there's something emotionally that you have not addressed, do your kids a favor because it's going to come out eventually. Just let them, you know, deal with it now because it'll come out in ways of people hitting other people. It'll come out in ways of elopement where they'll leave and you don't know where they're at and it'll come out in various ways. So taking time to take care of yourself now is just saying I love you. to your children, your grandchildren for the future.

Amy Donathan: ⁓ That's a great piece of advice that I don't think we think about. don't look at what we don't deal with now. Being a therapist, I know when you don't deal with things that it comes out now, thinking about in the future when you're alone and how it comes back, comes out then if you don't deal with it now. Do you see a difference in how women of faith navigate this? versus women who don't have the foundation of faith.

Jessica Nelson: Absolutely. I started noticing it too whenever we were during a person as they were on their deathbed. and the amount of nervousness of what was going on. They couldn't breathe, but there was a lot of anxiety with taking those breaths because they really didn't know what was going on. And a woman of faith ⁓ takes things a lot differently because number one, regardless if they're on their deathbed or not, they just don't care as much. don't sweat the small stuff. They don't talk badly about other people as much. They wake up every and they say to themselves, who can I help breathe a little bit easier today? They have that volunteer mindset that they just want to just help someone. ⁓ Women without faith try to do everything to look young, but put themselves first. It's just a different mindset for sure. And my husband and I, we've been talking about people's eyes. Like on pictures you can see the difference between a person who's just trying to be put together and a person that has pure joy and if you have Jesus in your heart and you ⁓ Just understand you actually not just have Jesus in your heart, actually let go of that control in your life and you then Jesus will just Pre-create joy that will just radiate behind those eyes and from your face and it will just come out as light for everything and you you can tell you know, older adult, older people versus when they were younger because they've so long, some way along the way they've got us help them through trials and tribulations. And you just know that, ⁓ she's just looking a little bit different lately, you know, and then you see that joy coming out of your, of their faces. So you just have to kind of let go of that control in your life. And that's where it's going to be. Cause you have to realize along the way that it doesn't really matter if your children make C's or D's. It really, really doesn't like it really does.

Amy Donathan: Yeah.

Jessica Nelson: And when they're 30 years old, looking back when they were 12 and they got C's and D's because we internalize it as like, ⁓ we're bad parents. But in all actuality, they're still gonna get a job one day. They're still gonna make money. C's and D's don't matter. ⁓ Do you wanna covet your friend's favorite Chanel purse? mean, everybody gets all excited about looking at a Chanel purse, know, a bag that costs $3,000. It looks so cool. But really on your deathbed, that really gonna matter?

Amy Donathan: Yes. you

Jessica Nelson: you know, and your clean house, I love to use this as an example. yes, I got off the plane in Florida and I started picking up my house immediately and it was 930 at night and I've been gone for a whole week. No, nobody cares at 930 at night. If my house is clean, nobody really cares, you know, and it's just reevaluating and what I keep having to tell myself is that

Amy Donathan: Nobody cares.

Jessica Nelson: Everything under the Sun just doesn't matter. It's all meaningless. That's what it says in the book of Ecclesiastes. It's just all meaningless. And so Ecclesiastes 1, chapter 1, 3 through 4 says, what do people gain from all their labor at which they toil under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. So it's not telling you to not work. It's just telling you to reevaluate the work you do do in life. What are you trying to accomplish? Are you trying to accomplish success, more money, promotions? Are you trying to accomplish the things that are gonna make? people feel good or helping people or volunteering and bringing them closer to Jesus and letting them understand that Jesus is the only way in order for us to be able to make it in this world. Without that, we don't know what to do. So leaving that control behind and then understand that God's got this. All we have to do is just give it to him.

Amy Donathan: Yeah, and that is way easier said than done. For women especially, we like to control and because it makes us feel safe if we know how everything is, you know, how everything can work out and we have a plan and we can execute that plan. We like that, but very rarely has anything turned out exactly like what I thought it was going to be. And I think aging...

Jessica Nelson: It really is.

Amy Donathan: is in that because I remember even being pregnant because I was I was tiny. I was 97 pounds. I was probably 110 when I got married and then when I got pregnant, you know seven years later, I was like, oh I'm just gonna be the little cute pregnant lady. No, I got pregnant in my entire body from my face to my feet. We're pregnant.

Jessica Nelson: My nose, my nose, ooh, so swollen.

Amy Donathan: Yeah, it's like my face was real big and just every I had stretch marks on my calves. Um, and so like that didn't go as planned and then losing the weight. I was like, Oh, it'll be easy because you know, in my twenties, I just, you know, didn't drink that Mountain Dew or drink that Pepsi and for a couple of weeks and I was fine and it didn't happen. And so I think, you know, in aging, there are so many things that like we can't get away from it. It's happening. And I can't control it. can't control not getting older. And so I think for women, like it's really hard. have to like, okay, Lord, I'm just, I'm not gonna like what you're saying. I'm not gonna concern myself with this. This is not my identity, what I look like. But glorifying you in everything that I do, that is something that is matters. when people can ask why did you handle that so well? I can tell it wasn't me, it was God. Let's talk about it. Do you, so when we talk about lies and you know at the conference we talked a lot about lies when we met and so what are some of the most common lies that women believe about their worth as they get older? Like and how they look or we've kind of covered a little bit.

Jessica Nelson: I very, very well, one of the common lies that we had talked about, and by the way, I've thought about lies almost every day since that conference. Is this a lie? Is this the truth? Is this a lie? Is it the truth? And it's so important for you to go throughout your day and just the thoughts that go in your head for you to think, is this a lie from the enemy or is this true from God? And if your whole day could go by so quicker, I mean, so much better if you focus on that. As we were at the conference, a lot of, a lot of

Amy Donathan: You Mm-hmm.

Jessica Nelson: us, probably most of us, talked about our number one lie being that we're worthless and that we're not of love, which is not true whatsoever because if you read through the Bible, which is where we're supposed to get our is our guidebook for life, it doesn't say that it says otherwise. And so I think a couple of other lies that they tell us of course is it's hard, it's so hard living in this world because we're not of the world but at it screaming at us all day long and if you look at social media if you look at the television and just see all of the commercials and things it just tells you the lies that you have to be perfect that you have to be worthy that you have to do you have to actually do things in order to be able to be worth that love and that's not true you just you just have to exist and you know repent of your sins and God will love you for who you are and who's the creator, he created you. so God is love and he's gonna love you no matter what. So those lies creep in and they creep in. He's really good. They creep in everywhere. so we just have to, that's why prayer is so important. That's why the Bible is so important to reevaluate what are the lies and what are the truth. And so I think for women it's even harder

Amy Donathan: ⁓ yes.

Jessica Nelson: because we are more emotional creatures. We do live longer. We see people passing way around us and we struggle with a lot of those things.

Amy Donathan: Yes. And I think, you know, as society, you you go in and you see a magazine cover and, know, we're supposed to be five, nine and 130 pounds and look this way. That's what beauty is. And. And I think that's really hard. I don't think and I can't speak for men because I don't live in their life, but I don't think it's as hard for them. Because my husband is totally. just beautiful silver hair. His nickname in the military was Silver Fox. And ⁓ so it's beautiful. And he says, well, why don't you just let your hair go? No. I'm not. No, it's too hard growing it out. I was like, it looks bad. I don't want, I don't want to. And he's like, well, should I color mine? No, it looks good on you. And so we have this

Jessica Nelson: Mm-hmm. Yes.

Amy Donathan: I don't know, identity of, you know, this is who I am, like curly hair, this is who I am. And so when things go away, it's so hard to believe that that's not really who I am. Because, you know, we've lived in this body all of our lives and it's looked a certain way. And so when it doesn't, I think it's hard to not believe that lie. that we are worthy even if we weigh 25 pounds more than we did when we graduated high school. So.

Jessica Nelson: I agree with you. And I think it's important to realize that we are women and heroes roar because back in the 1990s, know, skinny was the, was in, know, Cindy Crawford and all the runway models. that's every cover of every magazine. I think it's double words product where it talks about they make fun of being a six because a six is what in the runway is just too, it's too large, but

Amy Donathan: you don't know. Yes.

Jessica Nelson: Somehow, I don't know in the last five or 10 years, that's changed. Now you have overweight models, but now it's switched to aging. That if you don't, gray hair is not in, makeup is the way to go. They actually ⁓ take women who don't.

Amy Donathan: Mm-hmm.

Jessica Nelson: receive plastic surgery or fillers that are all those cosmetic changes to lessen, to make you look younger, they flash them all over social media and show them that they've decided not to. it's a decision, it's not a decision. They just decided not to do anything and that's okay. That's really should be the decision is that you don't do anything to help. ⁓

Amy Donathan: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Jessica Nelson: to age gracefully, you age gracefully and that's okay. It's absolutely okay to not get all those things that society tells you to do.

Amy Donathan: Yeah, and I remember the first time I realized things were filters on social media because that can make you feel so bad when you see people your age and you know their hair is great and their you know their skin looks perfect and there's no wrinkles and I'm like ⁓ my gosh I look so old compared to them and I was like no no not at all not at all

Jessica Nelson: Yeah. Okay, we don't, do we have fillers on this right now? Okay, okay, cause yeah.

Amy Donathan: I refuse to do that because of like that stuff. Because if I do that and then you see me out on the street, like whoa, hold on. You look really bad now. So I think that that is doing us a disservice of who we really are because that's the filter is not who we are. But we feel the need to do that to look younger, to stay relevant, I think, in society today. Instead of, you know, I loved what you, when you talked about the respect. ⁓ You know, growing up as like respect your elders was a big, big thing. And I think we've lost that because now we see age as something bad. Instead of... all of the wisdom that we hopefully gain over our lives.

Jessica Nelson: Well, we've lost that because we... they used to have all the answers. You you had to go sit either the encyclopedia or your grandpa had, that's how you looked up to figure out what, what to do. You know, your grandpa would teach you how to change a tire or go plant to plant. And and your grandma would teach you how to can your mom. So I had mom was back in Louisiana, but they would teach you how to can and you know, peel tomatoes and all those things. And now you have YouTube.

Amy Donathan: Yes. Yes.

Jessica Nelson: for that and so we don't always prioritize them being the wisest but I'm telling you now ⁓ this was an answer to another question I'm gonna go ahead set it now if you want to change your perspective ⁓ whenever you start looking at aging I'm gonna tell you what to do so those of you that go to church when you walk into church Amy what do you look at when you walk into church what do you look for

Amy Donathan: Go ahead. ⁓ I usually look for my friends.

Jessica Nelson: Okay, most people do. Okay, sometimes you also look to see what the pastor is doing and who's he talking to today. You will always, a lot of people look to see if there's any new ⁓ patrons there that are there for the first time so you can go say hello to. But a lot of us don't always look for the older adults that are in the room, okay? And so I honestly just naturally gravitate towards those older adults and I'll tell you why. Because number one, over the years they have taught, they have been my educators. They have taught me so much. for about six months when we were joining small groups. I didn't join the small group that were of my age. I went and I joined the small group that was the older individuals and I was the youngest one there. But guess what? I learned so much in that six months. I really did about the Bible because they have known so many things that they've learned along the way and they can teach me. ⁓ So go sit by an elder, become one of their

Amy Donathan: Right.

Jessica Nelson: become their child or their grandchild. You I love church moms and I love church grandmothers because if you go to their house and they cook, they can cook for you and you can learn from them. So it goes both ways. You're giving to them and they're giving to you and you can develop a relationship to where you can look, start looking at aging a lot differently than you do now. And if you don't regularly hang out with an older adult, you absolutely should because that is the best thing. And the, favorite thing about it is they have no filter. They say the thing that we wish we could say and they just do it and it's amazing and that one day I wish that I will not have that filter anymore either.

Amy Donathan: Yes. you Yes, yes. I remember when we were stationed at Whiteman in Missouri and we had taken a group of older ladies because we had a minivan and we went to see Passion of the Christ. It was playing when it was playing in theaters and so we we had a van so we picked up all these elderly ladies and other people were picking up other people in the church and we went down and I remember the next day three of them came with pies to my house. And my house was a mess. had littles. My house was a mess. He was like still in my sweatpants and a sweatshirt and my hair, you know, no makeup, no nothing. And they came in and they just loved on me. And they're like, ⁓ honey, it's okay. And they brought pies. They're like, thank you for taking us. And I was like, I want to be that way. Like they didn't look at my house and judge my house. didn't judge me. They just loved me and brought me pie. And it was, it was amazing. I was like, I want to be like that when I'm older.

Jessica Nelson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Amy Donathan: That's what I want to be. ⁓ So as we're... I know. I know. Instead of worrying about what everybody thinks, they just made pies and brought them over. So as we're getting to the end, what would you say to a woman who is listening to this and thinks, my best days are behind me? ⁓ What you want her to hear?

Jessica Nelson: that they may think so simple. Mm-hmm. ⁓ So in 2016, the Office of National Research surveyed over 300,000 people and what they've gathered and the results were that 65 to 79 year olds is the happiest age group of adults. And I'm gonna repeat that, because this is my favorite statistic that I found one day. 65 to 79 year olds are the best age group. And I'll tell you why. Because number one, a couple of things I've already kind of said is they are less bothered by what people think of them. They just don't care anymore. Their life is more exciting now. Now think about this, okay? From 65, a 65 year old, what do they have? Well, they're nearing retirement.

Amy Donathan: Bye. you

Jessica Nelson: or they might be already retired. They don't have their children at home anymore. So you don't have that added stress of where like them taking their money. So you don't have anyone to answer to anymore. You can retire and you're also probably traveling and enjoying your spouse and the life that you have right now. And at 65,

Amy Donathan: Right.

Jessica Nelson: They still have, for the most part, most people still have their physical abilities. So they can still get up, can get themselves dressed, they can go, they can probably still ride bike, they can go exercise, they can climb mountains, they can do all of those things. So it is probably the most exciting and they have the most money. It's probably the most money they've ever had, you know, because they've had children are gone, their children are done with college by that time, and they have those abilities. And plus, like we said a minute ago, they just don't care. They just, they don't care what people think about them but they also don't care and their filter is gone so they stay with the things that they've always wanted to say. So life is easier, life is more financially secure and they don't have as much weighing them down. So there's things to look forward to as you age. It's not a death sentence and even when you become 80 there's still great things about that you know and the more you focus and the more you exercise and the more you do those these trips tricks and tips that we've talked about, the more that you will start focusing on those positive things and those depressions, that self-worth will just melt away and it's not going to be overnight. It takes time to get into habits and behaviors to focus on it, but life is life and life is great and fantastic and even if you're 85 years old and 90 years old and you're stuck on a bed or you're stuck in a wheelchair, Guess what? The sun still rises and I don't know about you, but I love going outside and seeing God's majesty and being around them and seeing the birds and hearing glorious things going on in the world outside. My daughter woke up at two in the morning because she heard a bird chirping. It's two in the morning. It's pretty, it's pretty early for birds to chirp, but even they're happy at that time. So if a bird can be happy and guess what?

Amy Donathan: you

Jessica Nelson: As it says in Matthew, God feeds the birds, God provides for them, why can't they provide for us? So what are we worrying about? Why can't we change our mindset today and start focusing on those beautiful things that are to come for our aging?

Amy Donathan: right? you Absolutely when we were stationed in Turkey and we did vacation Bible school I remember one of the things that they we had the kids do was God sightings and It was you know, they would leave and then the next day they would come back and would say what was your God sightings and it could have been I saw a flower or Somebody helped me or I helped I got to help somebody or I made somebody smile or I saw a bird or you know just different things and and I look at that like if I were to tell you to look at only fine red cars, you would focus on red cars and you wouldn't focus on any other color. would, you would focus on seeing red cars and you would start seeing them everywhere. And so I think part of, know, what I heard you say was, you know, focus on, the God sightings. Like what, what did you see? And not

Jessica Nelson: Mm-hmm.

Amy Donathan: I used to fall back into, that was just a coincidence. No, in God's world, if you said, Lord, help me see you, he's gonna show you. He's gonna help you focus on what you need to focus on. And so, and I love Philippians 2.13, for it is God who is at work in you both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Because everything that we talked about, we could try to do it on our own and we would fail. We might be able to do it for a little bit, but we would fail. so Philippians 2.13 says, it is God and he wants us to have that abundant life and have that attitude of helping other people and showing him. And he wants to show us him. And so it's knowing that he's going to work in you. And so I love, I love everything that you have said today.

Jessica Nelson: Thank you.

Amy Donathan: And we've talked about some practical things, but can you like wrap all those up and, you know, put a bow on top to help people to have some practical things that they do when they stop listening to this instead of like, ⁓ well, that's a good idea. No, this is something I can actually do in my life.

Jessica Nelson: Well, number one, you have to decide. You have to decide that you need to change your mindset, which eventually will change your behaviors, will eventually change your life. And so it is a step process. doesn't happen overnight. So give yourself some grace. So a couple of things. Let's repeat. Decide to change your mindset, to change your behaviors, and to eventually change your physical abilities and stuff. And lose some of that control and just realize that God's got you. He hasn't forsaken you, nor will He. And so the greatest thing, I mean, the things that we need to remember is that volunteering is the most wonderful thing. There's nothing negative about volunteering. And I'll leave you with one last statistic. So in 2017, they did a poll and they realized that 77 million U.S. citizens spent 6.9 billion hours volunteering. Imagine,

Amy Donathan: Ow.

Jessica Nelson: Imagine the amount of people that cried less, that felt comforted, that felt loved and supported from all of those hours. And imagine that you can be one of those people. It doesn't take, if you're waiting for retirement or you're waiting for this or waiting for that, life might happen. So just take a little time frame. Even if it's just a call, you're... you know, church grandmother and just check on them, you know, ⁓ once a week. Is there something that you could be doing to help someone out there to lead a better life and to just to help?

Amy Donathan: Awesome, awesome. So a couple more things. Are there any scripture that you would give to somebody or any books or resources that you would recommend for people that want to look more into this?

Jessica Nelson: for scripture, I been ⁓ in Old Testament lately and I have also, every time I hear anything ⁓ that is said church, my spidey senses go off and has one of the couple of falling words, like mourning is one of ⁓ Aging is another one death whenever anytime anyway starts talking about that or growing old my spidey senses go off and so this was one I read and it's not very It's not very popular, but I think it's really important. So In Leviticus what they're doing is is that ⁓ Mount Sinai when Moses is getting the instructions for God because they had just freed the Israelites and now they're trying to figure out what to do and one of the many long ⁓ laws and ethical and ceremonial laws that God gave. One of them was Leviticus 1932 and it says stand up in the presence of the age, show respect for the elderly and revere your God, I am the Lord. God tells you to stand up, shouldn't you listen to him? Shouldn't you listen to what he has you do? ⁓ And there's a book that I read and it's not an actual like religious book but It is a very good book when it comes to your real viewpoint of medicine, of modern medicine, because it kind of flips the script. It tells you the behind the scenes ⁓ issues and problems that are going on and why they're happening. So it's by Dr. Atul Gawande and it's called Being Mortal. And it goes through medications, it goes through physicians, it goes through hospice companies, and of course it goes through my favorite nursing homes. It actually talks about how they were established and why they're not always great sometimes, and it tells you why that is. Because it seems like if you have a loved one who's in a nursing home, you think that that one is bad, but it actually is not. It's a systemic problem. And so this book kind of outlies what the systemic problem is. You know, it does tell us, you know, it tells you kind of how we can fix it, but that's for another, another, that's a whole another podcast.

Amy Donathan: Okay, well awesome. Thank you so much for coming on and I'm gonna pray for us Jesus, I thank you for today. I thank you for Jesse and she is and Lord, just the wisdom that you have given her and the heart you've given her for this subject and for ⁓ people in nursing homes and just her heart for you, Lord. And I just thank you so much for her. I pray for the women who are listening to this, who are in this stage of maybe empty nesters and... trying to figure out what to do. I pray that they take the practical things that that Jesse has said and and apply them to their lives and just keep a keep an account of when they started and what they have seen you do because you will bless them. You will give them joy. You will give them peace. You will give them assurance that you are there and you're listening and they are not unseen and they are not forgotten. And I just pray For the women that are listening to this that don't know you, I pray that they come to know you Lord. That through this podcast that they hear how wonderful it is to be called your daughter and how the aging does not have to be their identity. That who they are in you is their identity and it can be. And so Lord I pray that they come to you and and if they need to pray this prayer Lord just praying to you that that they know you. that they know that you are real. know Jesus, that you came and you lived a life and you died on a cross because you saw them and you knew that that was the only way that they could have eternal life with you. And so you were the cross for them because they were your joy. And Lord, I just pray that they come to you and they just give you all of their sin and all of their shame and they just accept you into their life. And so I just thank you so much for all that you have done. I thank you so much for Jessie and her heart and her new and our new friendship. And I just pray expectantly and excitedly to see what you're going to do. And I pray these things in your name. Amen.