Nothing Too Broken: How Jesus Redeemed My Story of Shame and Loss

Have you ever wondered if your story is too messy or too broken for God to redeem?
In this episode of Encounters at the Well, I share my own testimony — the parts I once thought were too painful, too shameful, and too far gone for God to use.

From childhood feelings of being unwanted, to a teenage pregnancy and abortion, to the trauma of an abusive relationship, my early story was marked by deep shame and loss. Later, my husband Jeff and I walked through the heartbreaking stillbirth of our son, Mark, at 38 weeks. For years, I believed God was punishing me.

But that was not the truth.

Jesus met me in the darkest places — not with condemnation, but with compassion. He showed me that nothing in my past could disqualify me from His love. Through Him, I found forgiveness, healing, and freedom as a beloved daughter of God.

Today, I can look back and see how God didn’t waste a single part of my story. He used it to draw me to Himself and now allows me to encourage and comfort others walking through their own pain.

If you have ever wondered whether you are too broken for God to redeem, this episode is for you. There is room at the well for your story too.

💻 Website: www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

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Website: www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

Email: amydonathan@hopeandhealing.faith

Website:  www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

Email:  amydonathan@hopeandhealing.faith

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi friends, it is just me today. Um I figured that since I've asked all of my other friends to come and be vulnerable and share their stories, that I should also share my story. It's not easy and it's a little scary because there are things in here that lots of people don't know about me. But I believe that God uses our brokenness and I can see through my life how he has used my brokenness, he has used the things that he has allowed in, and the choices that I have made to grow me and to bring hope and healing to others. And that is what I want this to do for you. So grab your coffee, take a listen, and here we go. I remember being about three or four. My parents had divorced, and we were living with my nanny, which was my mom's mom. And I remember a time I was sitting on her porch waiting on my dad to pick me up, and he didn't show up. I was wanted. My dad did love me. Um, my mom loved me, my nanny loved me, my aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, grandparents, they loved me. But it only takes that one time, that one seeming rejection to plant that seed in a three or four-year-old that is festered in me for a long time, and still sometimes um I feel it. So my dad and I have since mended our relationship. And like I said, that feeling of not being wanted sometimes still lingers when I make new friendships or when I'm with people and I think they don't really like me. They don't really want me here. It's still there. So the things that happen when we're young still have ramifications even into our 50s. Um, my parents did get back together when I was about seven, but it didn't last very long. And so they got divorced again when I was between fifth grade and sixth grade. Um, dad was better about seeing my sister and me, but that feeling of not being wanted was still there. And out of that hurt, out of that desire to be wanted and loved, when I hit my teenage years, I started making some decisions. And those decisions were searching for that love and that um acceptance and um to be wanted from guys. So at 17, I started dating someone a little bit older than me. Um, he seemed pretty impressive. He had a Mustang, he was good looking, he his parents had money. Um, so when I got to wear his Letterman jacket to school, I felt pretty cool. One night we went to a party and went upstairs and he pressured me for sex. And at first I said, no, no, I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to do it. But again, to fulfill that that need to be loved and wanted, I gave in. And it was horrible. It was so traumatic, and it left me physically injured. I remember putting my clothes back on, running down the stairs, ending up in a pantry with some of my friends that were at the party who ended up taking me home. And um I told my mom, she told me to lay down. I did for a little bit. I got up to go to the bathroom and almost passed out for the amount of blood that I was losing. Um, took me to the emergency room. They did a pregnancy test, came back negative. Looking back, it was um just kind of preposterous that they would do a pregnancy test the night of and think that it would come back positive if I was pregnant. So it came back negative. And I kind of went about and lived my life. After about five months, I realized I, you know, hadn't had a period and and I just figured it was from the trauma because it it was pretty bad. And so we went to the doctor just to make sure, just to have a check out, checkup. And a couple days later they called me. Um because then I was probably 18, maybe still 17. And so they called me instead of calling my mom and and told me that I was pregnant. Um, and so I told my mom that I was pregnant, and we, you know, did the math, and she said I was too far along to have a baby or to have an abortion. And so my teenage mind, as naive as it was, thought that meant I'm gonna have a baby. I won't be a mom. Um, I was actually a little excited, and I remember sitting on my bed with my best friend, and this was my senior year of high school, dreaming about what it would be like to be a mom and making plans to have a baby. Two days later, my mom told me I had to have an abortion and that she wouldn't help me if I if I didn't. I'd have to figure out how to work and how to finish school and be a mom on my own. Deep down, and anybody that knows my mom, you know that that's not true. That's not who she was. Um, she loved me and she would have been there, but she was a single mom struggling to support two daughters. Um, and she believed abortion was the only way for me to have a future. And I get that. Um, so my stepdad now, um, who was her fiance then, um, took me to St. Louis. The first clinic turned me away because I was too far long. But the second one said they could do it. And so that's what happened. I went back about a week later and um had the abortion. And that day changed me. I went home with so much shame, so much anger, and so much guilt, and so much not knowing who I was that I kind of spiraled um and kept spiraling for a while. Not long after that, it was within six weeks of having the abortion, I met another guy and got into another relationship. At first, I believed he was showing me kindness, and I mistook his control for love. That he loved me so much that he just wanted to make sure that you know I was safe and I wasn't doing things that I shouldn't. And um, and eventually I moved in with him after I graduated high school, and then it turned abusive. He would yell at me, he would call me names, he would tell me I was ugly, stupid, no one else would love me. Um, and I chose to believe those things. And then sometimes he would see me talking to somebody at our house, and then he would take me in the back room and he would punch the wall around my head. One night um he went out. I wasn't allowed to go out. Um, I couldn't go out with my friends. He didn't like any of my friends, so I couldn't go out with them, but he could go out, and so he went out and he came home, and I was sitting on the couch reading a book, and I had my feet propped up on the table, and he came in and he asked me if I was coming to bed, and I told him that he didn't deserve an answer and used a couple words after that. And so he picked me up and he threw me across the room. At that time of my life, I was five foot four and about 97 pounds, and he was about six foot three and probably over 200 pounds. So that wasn't too hard for him. But I got myself up and I picked up my book and I went over and sat on the couch again, and he asked me again, Are you coming to bed? And I said, No, you don't deserve an answer. And so he picked me up and threw me again. I then realized that I should probably leave. But to get my shoes and my keys, I needed to go past him to the bedroom and past him again to get out the front door. And so I went to the bedroom, got my shoes, got my keys, walked down the hallway. He was waiting for me. He grabbed me by the throat, lifted me up against the wall, and told me that if I tried to walk out the door, he was gonna get his gun and shoot me or shoot my car. I could decide. And so I stayed. And I stayed. And I stayed. And I kept up kept putting up with the abuse. Um I was scared. And I also really didn't believe that anybody else would want me. That he wanted me. And so I stayed. One day though, um, he decided he was gonna buy a house and he moved, and I decided not to move with him, but I still stayed with him as his girlfriend. And I went over, something happened in the house, um, he was re-redoing it and something wasn't going right. And so he again punched the wall around my head, made a hole, blamed me. And I left and decided right then that I wasn't going back, that we were over. He still harassed me, but I never went back to him. But after that, I just kind of went a little wild. I thought at that moment that if guys only want me for one thing, that's what I'd give them. I was gonna have no strings attached. I I didn't want to have a relationship, I didn't want um to get deeply involved with anybody. I was just gonna be out for a good time. And so that's what I did. And I was still so broken and so angry and so hurt and so not knowing who I was. Um, but part of me really knew deep down that's not who I was, and not who I was called to be. Um, during that time, I had moved into an apartment with a friend, and I was home one day, and this is when we still had landline phones. We didn't have cell phones yet. Um, one of my ex-boyfriend's friends named Jeff called me. Um, we didn't get real along very well when I was dating his friend, so it was really weird that he called me, but he called me and he asked um if I would go shopping with him uh to pick out clothes because he wasn't good at it. And I said, Okay, fine, I'll go. And we went and we we went shopping and we went and ate, and then he brought me home, and it was a great time. But I got scared because it was so much fun, and he really didn't ask anything of me. We were just having fun. Um, and so we agreed to meet again and maybe go on a date, and I got scared, and I left before he got to my house. But luckily, he gave me another chance. Um, but I was so scared because he didn't want anything from me. And then even after we started dating, um he could have slept with me, but he said no, that that's not how we were gonna do our relationship. And that was the first time that anybody had said no. And it was like a balm to my heart. So we started officially dating on November 6, 1992, and we got married on June 5th, 1993. Um, Jeff was amazing, is amazing. Um, he was a Christian and I wasn't. The only thing I knew about God was the little bit that I had learned when I went to Sunday school when I was young with um my nanny and my aunt. But I didn't know anything else. So we started, Jeff and I started our life together. He was in the Air Force um station at Scott Air Force Base, which is an hour and a half from our hometown. Lived in a little bitty apartment. Um, but as much as I loved Jeff, I was still broken, still angry, and still fully guilt. The marriage did not take that from me. It was still there. We had many conversations about being a Christian, and Jeff said that I needed to be a Christian. And he he wanted me to be saved, he wanted me to go to heaven. And we started going to church when we would go to our hometown with his parents. And I remember sitting in the pew and they would do an altar call where, you know, they say, you know, anybody that wants to come up and, you know, ask Jesus to be their savior, you know, please come forward. And I would feel this pull, almost physical pull to go forward. But I knew my past. I knew I had an abortion. I knew how wild I was after the abusive relationship. Why would a good God want someone like me? I was too broken. I was too messed up, too, um soiled to be gods. There's no way. Um but Jeff and I kept talking, and I agreed to meet with a pastor of the church at Jeff's parents' house to talk about salvation. And we talked and we talked and I agreed with what he was saying, and and then he said, kind of huffy, he just he just looked at me and he said, Okay, pray. I didn't know how to pray. I knew nothing. And again, the thoughts of how could I be God's? I don't even know how to pray. And so I said, I I don't know what to say. And kind of huffily he said, fine, just repeat after me. And so I did. And I repeated after him, and everything was all good. He said, and gave me a hug and left. But I knew that nothing would nothing had changed. Nothing in me had changed. I don't know what I was expecting, but maybe fireworks or or something to go off. But nothing. Nothing had changed. And so we went home and I still felt so broken, and I still felt so disheartened and so frustrated by going and doing that, and nothing changed. It kind of solidified that, you know, okay, God didn't want you. But a couple of nights later, I was laying in bed, and and when I say that I was angry, I I was angry. I was an angry person. I would yell at Jeff, I would slam things around. I was just angry. It felt like all the time. And I remember laying in bed a couple nights after we talked to the pastor, and Jeff was sleeping, and I just cried out to Jesus and I said, I can't do this on my own. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to yell at my husband. I don't want to slam things around. I don't want to be this way. But I can't change it. But you can. And so I just cried out to Jesus right then and asked him to take over. And that was it. I can't tell you the day um that this happened. There are so many people like I I know the exact day and time that this happened. I can tell you I was laying in bed in our apartment on base with Jeff asleep beside me when this happened. I don't know the exact day, but I don't think it's important. The important thing is that I did it. Um the funny thing was I I woke Jeff up and I said, guess what? I'm guess what? He says, What? I said, I I just got saved. He's like, You got saved a couple of nights ago. I said, No, I just did it. And again, there were no fireworks. There were no lightning boats, there were no goosebumps. Um, there was no audible voice. I just knew something in me was different. Different. So it doesn't have to be this amazing big show of salvation. Mine was quiet but it was soul deep. Um and so that night I became Jesus's. Was I perfect after that? No. Would it be great without salvation? You know, a switch flipped and like you did everything right. Yeah, but that's not how it happened. So we kept living life, and that was probably about a year into our marriage when that happened, and I kept going to school, and Jeff kept, you know, doing his Air Force thing, and we just you know lived life with our cat and uh eventually bought a trailer um mobile home on base and moved over there and set it up. And um I finished school and started working for an attorney, and um, we decided it was time to start a family. And so we tried and got pregnant pretty quickly um in 1998. So about five years after we we were married, we got pregnant. Um everything went well. I was pregnant. I'm I'm the firstborn. Um, Jeff is the firstborn. Um, this baby would have been the firstborn. Um, so all of the grandparents were excited, and aunts and uncles were excited. Um, and so we we did we did everything. We we had the baby showers, and the doctors and nurses told us that we were having a girl, and so we had the baby shower and had all these pink clothes that were so cute, and had the nursery all set up, and um went to the doctor and found out I had pre-eclepsia. And the doctor said, that's you know, that's common. So you need to go on bed rest. So I was on bed rest for a while and you know, off from my job, and um Jeff was working nights, and so I didn't sleep very well when he when he worked the nights, so I would be up most of the night, sleep most of the day with him, and wake up when he went to work or before he went to work. We would eat supper and then he would go to work and I'd stay up a little longer. And so that was, you know, just kind of our normal. And so I did that. I was about 38 weeks pregnant, and we, you know, that was our normal routine, and he went to work, and I just kind of noticed that I hadn't felt the baby move very much. Um the, you know, which was I guess nothing major because, you know, I had slept and and woke up and hadn't been up very long. So I drank some orange juice and Laid down and still didn't feel anything, and um drank some orange juice and lay down again and didn't feel anything. And I called the doctor and he pretty much told me to to do it one more time. I said, okay. And I did, and and I didn't feel anything. And so I called him back and he said, Well, you need to come in. I said, All right. Um, well, the job that Jeff was doing, he was the only one um there that night, so he had to find somebody to come and replace him. And I called my neighbor Jennifer and I said, Can you and Kevin take me to the hospital and meet Jeff there? And she said, Yeah. So we did. We got there, Jeff got there, we went in for the ultrasound, and the doctor took forever. And he just looked and looked and looked, and finally said, There's no heartbeat. No heartbeat. That was so tough. Um, I remember telling the doctor that I didn't want to be awake for the delivery, and could he knock me out and take the baby C-section? Because I didn't want to be awake. And the doctor said no, that was um that was that was uh more dangerous. So I needed to try to deliver naturally. And I said, okay. So I said, could I have an epidural? And he said yes. And um we started the IV and started the Pitocin, called our friends in family, uh, called our small group from church, which was about 50 people, and I think all of them showed up at one time or another while I was in the hospital. All of our family was there. Two of my best friends from high school came up, Dee Dee and Cindy. And uh I remember it was just us three sitting in the room, and my water broke. So they left, got Jeff. Jeff got the nurse and the doctor, and came in, gave me the epidural, which they didn't do right. Um, so they had to let that stop. And I went into labor and started, I had to start pushing. And so I pushed and delivered the baby and found out it was a boy. We were expecting Nicole. I thought that we would have been sad either way, but with the boy that came Jeff's hunting buddy, fishing buddy, working on car buddy. It was hard. It was so hard. And so we knew we did all the things that you know parents aren't supposed to do. We planned a funeral. And any of you that know me know that I love still magnolias, but the graveyard scene at still magnolias, where Sally Field says, I was ready to go first. I was always ready to go first. I'm supposed to go first. That's where I was. I shouldn't have been picking out a coffin. I shouldn't have been getting flowers, picking out music, you know, figuring out how the ceremony was gonna go, finding somebody to come and do it. Um I shouldn't have been doing that stuff. But we did. And I remember people they they meant so well. I know that they loved me and they wanted to help me feel better, but they would say things like, He's an angel now. God needed him more. You can't question God about this. You can't be angry at God about this. And I want to tell you that I have lots of questions. Um I still had to go in for a six-week appointment, and I remember going in, just waiting to hear, like, what happened? What happened? Um, partially to take some of the guilt off of me. Like, what did I do wrong? Just did I eat something wrong? Did I drink something wrong? Was I out too much? You know, out of the bed too much? Is that what caused it? Um, or to hear that it was something that was wrong with him that caused him to pass away. But we went to the doctor, and the doctor said, There's nothing. There's we can't find a reason why you lost him. There's nothing. And I was devastated. I needed an answer, and I didn't have any answers. And after that, I was so mad at God. So mad at God. Why did he do this? I was trying to turn my life around. I was I was going to church, I was working at church, I was going to small group, I was studying my Bible, I was doing all these things. Why would he do this to me? Why would he do this to Jeff and I? Um so I was mad. Even though people told me I couldn't be mad, I was so mad. And I still had so many questions. But I remember living in that anger towards God. And I don't know how long. It was less than a year, maybe a few months. But I remember I was on base at a stop sign, and I just told God, Lord, I am tired of being mad at you. Tired of it. I can't do it anymore. But please show me. Show me how you're gonna use losing Mark. We named him Mark Ellen. Um, losing Mark can be used. So it doesn't feel like it's in vain. And God did. Um, the very next year around Mark's birthday, we went to where we buried him to put more flowers on his grave, um, to be with family. Where we were staying, was way down in the country in southeast Missouri. The house we stayed in didn't have a phone. Um, but down the road, Jeff's grandparents lived and they had a phone, and Jeff's parents were down there uh staying, and sh Jeff's mom came up and and told us that our friend Cindy, the one that had sat with me in the hospital when my water broke, that she had called and wanted me to call her back. And this was probably, we lost Mark on March 13th of 99, and this was probably March 14th of 2000. And so I went down and called Cindy, and she said, How are you doing? And I told her we were doing okay, and she said, Well, I have something to tell you, and I said, Well, what's that? She said, I had a stillbirth, and I said, You what? And she said, I had a stillbirth on March 13th, yesterday. And for some reason, my brain went, You couldn't have that's Mark's birthday, and she's like, I know, but that's what happened, and so Jeff and I went and we consoled her and her husband in ways that other people couldn't. They didn't know what it was like to be that far along, to be able to have had the baby and things be okay, and then not get to bring the baby home. How it felt like you ran a race and you won, but you didn't get the prize. And nobody knows what that feels like unless you've been there. And so God used it for us to help our our good friends um be able to deal with it. And so God at that time began redeeming our pain little by little. Was it still there? Absolutely. Um, it's still there. I remember when he would have turned 18. We had friends whose son was the same age and um senior year, and all of the planning and stuff that they were doing, I didn't get to do for him. And it was so hard um to hear. Not that I wasn't excited for them, but just knowing what I was missing. And so it's always there, as you can hear in my voice. It's always there. However, God still uses it. Um but and over time, he has shown me great ways to use it, and just other things in my life. Um I can look back at everything, at the abortion, at the wild times, um, with guys, at the um loss of mark. I can look at all of that and see God's hand in all of it and see where he has given me passions for people to help them. With my mom and dad splitting up between fifth and sixth grade year. Um I went from an A student to a not turning in your homework student. And at that time we didn't talk about divorce. And I don't want any anybody to know, but those teachers didn't know me, so they I slipped through the cracks and they just thought I was not a great student. That helped me have just a passion and desire to not let students slip through the cracks, and so I became a military and family life counselor at a middle school, and I absolutely adored those students, and I wanted to make sure that they were heard and they were seen, and if they had issues that I could help them. The um wild times with guys. I also was a youth leader for churches, um, our church when we lived in Windsor, Missouri. I was the youth leader when we lived in Turkey. Um, I did a little bit when we came back here to Scott. And I could relate to the girls who had those same feelings. And through it all, through all of it, um, he also gave me the desire to be a therapist and a life coach just to help women know God the way that I know God. And I cannot tell you that I am happy about all of the decisions that I made. And losing Mark, I can't tell you that. But I can tell you that I am so thankful that through all of that, that God wanted me, that He loved me, that He never lets anything in our life be done in vain. Um, I don't feel unwanted anymore. I know that God wants me. And how do I know that? Because He uses me and I can see it, and I see His hand in my life. God gave me a husband who adores me. But the best thing that He gave me was an understanding of the greatness and the gravity of what Jesus did for me on the cross. When I feel unwanted, I have to look at that and say, how could I ever think that I wasn't wanted when Jesus came and died so I could be part of his family? There is no way that I can look at that and say, He doesn't want me. I can see how God maneuvered in my life, all of my life, and I truly believe that everything before salvation was God pointing me to him. Everything. And through Jeff, I became saved. He brought me to church, he talked to me about it, and I finally opened my eyes and knew that's what I needed. Um, but after salvation, he works in our hearts, he works to align our hearts to be like his, and he uses everything, our choices, whether they're good or bad, things that are done to us to grow us and help others to know him and to be closer to him. He forgave me for the abortion. When we lost Mark, I have to tell you that I thought it was because of my abortion. That's why I thought it was punishment. However, that was a baby Christian thought. My mature or more mature Christian thought and knowledge is that everything is forgiven. I follow him, everything is forgiven. And so my goal when I do therapy, or my goal when I do coaching, is to help women to know that there is nothing too broken, too soiled, too far gone that God can't redeem and use. And that's what I want people to know. I want people to know that God will use everything. God wants you, God loves you. He sent his son and as somebody who has lost a son, and now I have two great, wonderful, awesome kids. He has blessed me beyond measure with um my daughter and my son, who I am so proud of. And um now that they're adults, even we're more friends than we are mom and kid. And it's just amazing. But the thought of somebody asking me to send one of them to save somebody else, like we will have to to kill one of your children to save somebody else. No way, I'll go. I'm not sending them. And as somebody that has lost a child, to know that loss and that heart, which is nothing like what God feels, but I guess it's a glimpse. No way would I do that. No, I would definitely go first and go in their place. And so for the women that are listening who know God but still have shame and guilt in their past, know that God takes it. He takes it and he redeems you and he makes you clean. And for those of you that don't know him, there is nothing too broken about you that he can't, he can't forgive. He just wants you and he will use it, and you will be somebody that can be the only person that can help somebody else because you know what they're going through. If you are on this earth, there is still a plan for your life. So I would like to um just say a prayer for everybody and thank you for listening. Um, Lord, I lift up every woman listening right now for the one who already knows you but is carrying hurt and shame and brokenness. Remind her that she is fully forgiven, fully loved and completely wanted by you. Let her feel your presence and peace wash over her in this moment. And Father, I also pray for the one listening who doesn't know you yet. Show her that she is not beyond your reach. Give her courage to call out to you, to lay down her guilt and pain, and to step into the freedom that only comes through Jesus. Thank you that you died and rose again so that she could be part of your family. And I pray these things excitedly and expectantly to see what you're gonna do in your name. Amen. That was a lot. I would like to say that um I'm gonna go through and edit this and maybe redo it, but I'm not. Um, so sorry if it was rough. But if my story has touched you today, reach out to me. Um, my Facebook page is Hope and Healing Christian Life Coaching. Um my email is Amy Donathan A-M-Y-D-O-N-A-T-H-A-N at hopeandhealing dot faith. Um, and I will have that in the description on the podcast. Reach out to me. I want to know how I can help you. I want to know how I can pray for you. But if you don't like this podcast, if it touched you and you think it can touch somebody else, please share it with them. Um and please leave a rating or write a review. Um, not for me, um, because God's gonna do with us what he's gonna do with us. And that is that is fine with me. Um, but it helps more women be able to find hope and healing in these conversations. So, just one last thing. I just want you to remember there is nothing too broken, nothing too forgone that God cannot redeem.