Trading Silence for Healing - Brandi's Story

What happens when a childhood secret finally rises to the surface after forty years of silence?
In this deeply moving episode of Encounters at the Well, host Amy Donathan sits down with Brandi Cline to share her powerful story of trauma, fear, and the redeeming love of Jesus.

Sexually abused at just two years old and raised in an environment of fear and spiritual distortion, Brandi spent decades trying to earn love and avoid punishment. Her understanding of God was shaped by pain and survival. But everything began to break open when her daughter became pregnant, and buried memories came crashing back.

Through panic attacks, anxiety, and a near mental collapse, Brandi finally reached out for help. What she discovered was not an angry God, but a gentle and good Father who met her in her deepest need.

This episode is a testimony of healing, courage, and the grace that waits for us in the most broken places.

You will hear Brandi open up about:

• Carrying the secret of childhood sexual abuse for decades
 • How fear shaped her view of God and her identity
 • The unraveling moment that led her to finally ask for help
 • Encountering the kindness and gentleness of God for the first time
 • Navigating grief and rejection in the healing journey
 • Redeeming her story through a new calling as a Christian life coach

Brandi now walks with other women through her trauma-informed practice, Finding Grace Coaching. You can connect with her at www.findinggracecoaching.com

If Brandi’s story feels like your own, there is hope. You do not have to carry it alone.

Stay to the end for a heartfelt prayer for women who carry secret pain and for anyone ready to begin a relationship with Jesus.

Resources:
 • Brandi’s Coaching: www.findinggracecoaching.com

• Host Website: www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

• Facebook Community: Hope and Healing Christian Life Coaching

If this episode encouraged you, follow the podcast, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs to know they are not beyond healing.

Until next time, be gentle with your story and keep leaning into grace.

Website: www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

Email: amydonathan@hopeandhealing.faith

Website:  www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

Email:  amydonathan@hopeandhealing.faith

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Encounters at the Well, the podcast for Christian women who love Jesus, but also need coffee, grace, and honest conversations about the hard things we don't always talk about in church. I'm Amy Donathan, your host, and I'm so glad you're here. Inspired by the Woman at the Well in John 4, this is a space for deep faith, real talk, and the reminder that Jesus meets us right where we are. Messi buns, doubts and all. In each episode, I'll sit down with amazing women who share their stories, their biblical wisdom, and of course a few laughs. So grab your coffee, get comfy, and let's dive in. Welcome to Encounters at the Well. Hi, and welcome back to Encounters at the Well. I'm your host, Amy Jonathan, and today's episode is powerful and deeply personal. My guest, Brandi Klein, carried the weight of a childhood trauma and silence for over 40 years. Raised in a home with abuse and a fear-based view of God, she spent much of her life trying to be the good girl just to survive. But when everything unraveled, God met her in the middle of the pain. Not with punishment, but with healing and love she never expected. If you've ever felt afraid of God, ashamed of your past, or unsure if healing is even possible, this episode is for you. So, Brandy, your story started when you were just two years old. So would you share what happened and what it was like to carry that alone for so many years?

SPEAKER_01 1:27

So my very first memories of life are of being sexually abused at an in-home daycare. I don't know how long the abuse continued. I know it was sometime when I was three years old that it ended with me telling my mom what was happening. But my mom, by her own admission, never acknowledged my statement. She never told me it wasn't my fault. I don't entirely blame my mom. I'm sure she was in shock and having to process through it all on her own, but never another word was spoken about the abuse that occurred to me. And so when you're abused at such a young age, you internalize everything. You, it's not safe to believe that your caregivers weren't safe for you. So you blame yourself. And so even into adulthood at 45 years old, I believed it was my fault. And I believed that because I didn't remember a lot of emotions surrounding the events, I didn't remember ever trying to fight back. I believed I must have somehow wanted it. To my rational adult brain now, I know that's just silly, but there was a part of my brain stuck at that two-year-old child level. And so I truly believed that it was my fault and I carried the guilt and the shame of what happened to me for over four decades.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

What was it like um nobody ever really acknowledged or just let it fall by the wayside? Even after you spoke up, like what was that like for you?

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Don't know how much I understood at the time because I was so young. But looking back now, I was so alone. And I remember for so much of my life feeling like I was alone and feeling like I was unlovable and feeling completely damaged beyond repair because of what had happened to me. And I had no place where I could voice these things. So it was all internalized by opinions I had about myself rather than opinions I had about the man who had abused me.

SPEAKER_00 3:25

And you grew up with a a pastor, a father that was a pastor. And so um you shared that it was hard for kind of hard for him to acknowledge it. And when he did, uh things could become abusive sometimes. So what was that like?

SPEAKER_01 3:42

My dad has always been a very harsh, a very angry person. And many times I felt like that was directed at me. And in my mind, and even sometimes now I believe that when he looked at me, he saw what the man had done to me, and that made him angry. And that anger flowed out toward me, which just further reinforced that I was to blame for what had happened. I was a very sensitive child. And so the things he threw at me were even more difficult for me, I believe, than they would have been for some of my siblings, because my siblings were more, we're gonna fight back, we're gonna argue, we're gonna rebel. And I wasn't that kind of child. Um, my hardest memory in healing was not of the abuse that happened to me. It was of my father when I was a very young child holding me down on the ground and sitting on top of me and pinning me down and covering my nose and mouth so I couldn't breathe. Um, as recently as a few years ago, he still believes this is really funny. For some reason, it was very amusing to him. And I tried to make my family understand that to any child, this is abuse. But you take a child who has been held down and sexually abused, and this is torture. And if I got angry, if I fought back, I was disciplined. This made me so fearful of so many things, even into adulthood. My husband could not put his arm around me in bed because it terrified me. I felt like I was being held down again. This is just the excuse in my family is oh, this is just what he did. He was just having fun. But it was not fun for that little girl who was terrified.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Absolutely. Um, I can even imagine. So, through this, how did that shape your understanding of the authority of God?

SPEAKER_01 5:32

Well, through my dad's actions, because he was so angry and so it seemed eager to punish for any infraction. Um, his yelling could be erratic. And sometimes it made sense, sometimes it didn't, which all left me just in a constant state of fear. Because to me, the yelling was just as bad as a physical punishment because it terrified me. But on top of that, in all of my religious upbringing, I was taught that God has an absolute perfect will for your life. It's a very narrow, straight road. And if you step off of it at all, God's punishment is severe. And so even little decisions are so fearful because if I make the wrong one, God is just waiting to punish me. So I saw God as angry and harsh and really eager to punish. In fact, for the first probably six or eight years of my being a mother, I lived in absolute terror because I was convinced God was going to take away my kids from me because I wasn't good enough and I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. And I truly believe that all comes from that upbringing of God is harsh, he punishes severely, and you better be afraid if you're not doing exactly the right thing.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Yeah. And I bet with the feeling of what happened to you was all your fault. Yes. Like you could never get past that because you couldn't go undo that. Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

And I I always had this feeling growing up that there was something inherently bad in me. And I never understood what it was, but I always felt like I was bad, no matter what. And I honestly, I was a good kid. I didn't like getting in trouble, but I always felt like there was something as an adult, it kind of morphed into I thought there was an inherent evil inside of me. And I never felt connected to God. I never felt a real relationship with Him. When people would talk about, oh, I did my Bible studies and God showed this to me, or I was praying and God spoke to me. One of two things would always come to mind. One, they're building this up. It's not really what it is because they want to look good. Or two, if they're all experiencing this and I try so hard and I've never experienced it, it's just further proof that there's something wrong with me and something evil inside of me that's keeping me from having that connection to God.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

You've talked, you said that you were like a good kid, but you used being a good girl to like avoid conflict. And so as you grew up, like how did that manifest itself in your life? Conflict was terrifying to me.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

I'll be honest, it still is sometimes. I have to really work through this, but I would try to keep everybody happy. And looking back at my childhood, I see myself mostly as the peacemaker and the comforter. If someone in my family was upset, like my dad had gone off on them and they were upset, I tried to comfort. If anybody got in trouble, I felt it as if I was the one that got in trouble. I just tried to keep everybody happy so there wasn't conflict going on. If temper started flaring and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it, I would isolate myself because I knew I couldn't handle that conflict. I didn't always have a choice. But when I had a choice, I always isolated. And this led to a whole life of even when I was around people, I felt isolated and alone.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

So did you find that as you're an adult and married and having kids that you still were the people pleaser to keep the conflict down?

SPEAKER_01 9:05

Yes. If people asked me to do something, I couldn't say no to save my life. Um, it's a wonder my husband stuck with me all those years. I look back now and I realize I wasn't easy. If he got upset with me at all, I've learned honestly, just in the last couple of years, I wasn't actually reacting to him. I was reacting to those other men in my life who had been unsafe. And so I saw my husband as unsafe for years. My I had a pretty serious fear of men. And on a lot of levels, that even extended to my husband. And so I just tried to keep the peace. And if a conflict arose, I would isolate. I would ice him out for days. I wouldn't talk to him. And it really wasn't as a punishment to him. It was I was so fearful and dysregulated that I didn't even know how to have that conversation with him. And, you know, people in church would ask me to do things and I would always say yes. And then I was so miserable and hating it because I was doing things I didn't want to do and I didn't feel called to do, but I felt like I had to say yes and please everyone.

SPEAKER_00 10:11

What was your view about God at that time? Um, especially shaped by the fear and the need to, you know, please people and earn love and be the good girl.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

I felt like I had to be good enough to earn God's love while at the same time thinking that there was something so wrong with me that I would never achieve it. And so, really, my view towards God was really one of hopelessness. Yes, I was fearful of him. Yes, I did everything I could to try to make him happy. And I never, ever, ever felt like I had even begun to please him. And my relationship with him really just became one that was completely hopeless. And anything I did um in church or it was completely out of fear and just this is just what I'm supposed to do. I've always been taught this, this is what I have to do. None of it was out of a place of love and admiration for my father.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Yeah, so it was more like, like you said, like this is what I have to do instead of this is what I want to do.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yeah. And it was also this place of I knew, I felt at every moment of my life that God's punishment was coming. It was just a matter of when. And it was a little bit like I was saving off that punishment. If I can do this good thing, maybe he won't take everything from me today. Um, and then the next day, okay, I'll do these good things. Maybe it will be enough to tame his anger so that he won't come against me right now. So it's always like trying to save myself from his anger.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

And knowing that we can't be perfect, I can't even imagine the fear you had when you did mess up. Like that had to been miserable. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

It was like, it's like you're in an unsafe place walking down an alley and you're looking around every doorway and every corner for the outpouring of God's punishment and his anger. And you don't ever know where it's gonna be. You know there's something bad there, but you don't know when it's gonna hit you. I remember often as a child, I would wake up in the middle of the night and be so terrified. My body was paralyzed. And I believed with all my heart God was telling me to do something, but I didn't know. And if I didn't get up and do it right, then he was going to kill me. And I would lay for hours in the night just terrified. And that's kind of a picture of what my whole life was. God wanted me to do something, but he didn't communicate with me what it was, but I had to do it to keep him from smiting me. It was this endless cycle, and I just couldn't break out of it. Wow.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

So let's fast forward to when your daughter was pregnant. And um, you said that this triggered a complete unraveling. So, what happened during that season?

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Leading up to that time, I had been struggling with some real physical issues. I hadn't been well in quite some time, and so that plays a toll on your emotions. And there was a little bit of depression and some things going on, but it was bearable. When my daughter got pregnant, it was both the most amazing, exciting, and terrifying period of my entire life. We were so excited to be grandparents. It's what we wanted more than anything in the world. My daughter lives about two and a half hours away, and I went up to see her one weekend, and we went to a mom-to-mom sale. At the time, I didn't realize what was happening, but now I can pinpoint the exact moment when my whole life unraveled. We were in the daycare. At that time, my daughter worked at a bank and was planning on going back to work after the baby was born, and she began to look at the daycare and talk about sending my granddaughter there. And I felt such an overwhelming fear like I've never felt in my life. Um, I didn't even know why it was hitting me like that, but I knew my grandbaby couldn't go to this daycare. And I felt this overwhelming need that I had to protect her, but I couldn't because it wasn't my choice to make. It was her parents. And I couldn't be with her 24-7 like I was with my kids. And so my entire life just began to unravel. I had crippling anxiety. I couldn't leave my house. The depression got terrible. I was overcome with constant fear, but I still didn't recognize what was bringing that fear about.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

Wow. When did you realize that your past was affecting your present? When did that happen? That you put those puzzle pieces together.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Look back and honestly, I am amazed that it didn't click sooner. I've had nightmares my entire life of sexual attacks in public places. There's always a crowd around, and I beg for help, and no one will help me. They turn their backs to me. This dream has always occurred at whatever age I am. When I was 10 years old, it was happening to me at 10 years old and so on throughout my life. Well, after this incident of the daycare, it went from sporadic, every now and then nightmares to five times a week. I was having these nightmares, and that turned into anxiety. And at the point that I became so anxious, I couldn't leave, barely leave my house. If I walked in a grocery store, I had a panic attack and I didn't understand why. So I finally reached out to a professional and just said, you know, I need help with this anxiety. Can you help me? Still not recognizing. I'd always thought of that abuse as that was just something that happened in my past. It doesn't affect me now. In fact, my husband didn't even know that I had suffered that abuse. But when I reached out to this professional, one of the first things she asked me to do was to make a timeline of my life for each decade of my life, write down the major events. And so I set to work doing that the following week. And the first thing that came to my mind was the abuse. And I thought, I can't write that down. I can't, I can't tell her this. And that was the first inkling that I had at, oh, this is impacting me. I didn't think it was. And then when she began to help me make the connections between the dreams and my public anxiety, at first I was like, no, you really think so? And then later I was like, oh my word, this makes so much sense. And then we connected the dreams to my abuse. And it was like for the first time in my life, this crazy person that I thought I was made sense. And that was the first time I realized that the abuse really has impacted my life.

SPEAKER_00 16:28

So it took a lot of courage to reach out for help. Coming from where you came from, where everybody just wanted you to, you know, brush it under the rug and not deal with it. Where did that courage come from? Because it takes it does take a lot of courage to ask for help, especially when people say you don't need to, you need to just let it go and not worry about it. It's not a big deal.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

Right. And I have never thought of myself as a courageous person. I've always been the coward. I hide out when bad things are happening. I think it was truly just out of desperation. I knew that I couldn't live the way that I was living anymore. This depression was crushing. The anxiety kept me from being able to live my life. I saw it affecting my husband and my kids, and I knew I had to do something different. I think it was just truly out of desperation. But I can't help, I have to detour for just a second here because as a child, I never felt courageous. And I look back to that three-year-old little girl that somehow had enough and had the bravery to tell what was happening to me. And I used to look at that little girl in a very disgusted way. I was angry with her. And now I look at her and I realize that huge act of bravery. And I know for certain there were at least other two other children being abused in this daycare. And it brings me great comfort to know that my brave little action could have saved, I don't know how many other kids. And somehow I summoned that bravery again because I needed a better life and I needed to be present with my family and enjoy them.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Tell us about when God showed up for you and showed that he truly loved you.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

This is one of my absolute favorite stories. To preface it, I was at a place where I was very close to walking away from my faith entirely. I couldn't pick up a Bible without panic attacks. I couldn't pray. I didn't even want to hear worship songs. I was in a really rough place and I was very angry with God because I felt like he hadn't saved me. This professional that I work with did a really good job of pointing me back to him very gently and very slowly over time. But there was a week she knew nature was my calm. That's where I found any measure of peace. And that was my best option for trying to connect with God. And so she suggested at one point that I ask God for in the coming week that he would give me one thing in nature to prove that he delights in me. I agreed to do this, but to be honest, it was mostly out of respect for this person because she had helped me so much. And so I said, okay, I'll do it. And I pleaded with God and I told him, I'm gonna be honest, God, I don't believe you're gonna do this, but please show up for me. And I remember emphasizing over and over and over, just make it something tiny. I don't need something big. Please just show me when something tiny. And so on one particularly rough day, I was very anxious. I couldn't calm myself. And walking was the only way to bring my anxiety down. And I have to also mention it was the middle of winter in Michigan. And so a part of me is like, how in the world is God gonna show up in nature right now? On this day, though, I wasn't thinking any of that. I was just thinking, I've got to take the edge off this anxiety. I had a couple kids in my childcare, and so I loaded them up and bundled them all up, put blankets over them, and put them in the stroller, and we took out on a walk. It's very cold. I'm walking along and all of a sudden it starts to snow. No surprise, it's middle of winter in Michigan. But I've always been fascinated by snowflakes and their designs, but with the naked eye, you can't see it. It lands on a surface, it melts away, and it's gone. But on this occasion, the absolute tiniest snowflake that I've ever seen in my life fell on the blanket. It was perfectly formed. I could see the details, I could see the beauty in it. And immediately God spoke to me and said, This is for you. I did this just for you because I love you. And it still makes me tear up thinking about it because that was the first time in my life that I believed God might actually like me. I was always taught God loved me. He sent his son to save me from hell. But then I was also taught how angry he was and how feel fearful I should be of him. And I thought he certainly doesn't like me. I am so messed up. And on that instance, for that moment, I thought God actually likes me. And to be honest, I was very hesitant to share this story with anyone at first because I thought, oh, they're just gonna think I'm making it up or I just made something out of nothing. It snows all the time. But God just continually impressed upon me. I did this for you. And I actually have a picture of that beautiful little snowflake. Um, and every time I look at it, I just think to others, that's a small thing. To me, it was absolutely life-changing.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

That's an amazing story. How God used something that you love so much.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

I think it was a process that was the beginning, and I began to realize that okay, he he does really love me, he does even delight in me, but I still struggled with my anger towards him because I felt like I know God can do anything. Why didn't he help me? And I finally got to the point one day on another walk. I just, and you know, I was always told you don't talk to God certain ways because that's disrespectful. And so I couldn't tell God how I felt, but finally. One day I just couldn't take it anymore, and I just let it all out. And I told him, I'm so angry with you. Why didn't you love me enough to save me? How could you have let me go through that? And at this time, things were becoming very iffy with not my husband and my kids, but the family that I was born into. And I just didn't understand it all. But when I cried out to God again, I felt his presence on me in a way that I never had before. And I realized God can handle what I'm thinking. He already knows I'm thinking these things about him. I don't have to be afraid of him. I can tell him. And that just began huge shifts. And I started just telling him what I was feeling. God, I'm feeling angry today with you. I don't understand why this is happening. And that began to shift because I wasn't hiding from God any longer. And every time I shared something hard with him and I felt his love and his presence on me, and I saw him come through for me, I learned to trust him more and more and more. Now I have a trust for God that I didn't even believe was possible.

SPEAKER_00 23:04

That's awesome. When we talked before, you mentioned that not everyone in your family has understood your healing. So what has that been like?

SPEAKER_01 23:11

That has been the hardest part of my journey. I've lost a lot of family and I have grieved really hard for that loss. Um, I've been continually hit with why do you have to bring this up now? After all these years, why couldn't you have just left it alone? And you know, I've tried all the rational ways of explaining. I've been asked, you know, if it hit you with your granddaughter, that doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't it have hit you with your own children? And I've explained, I was with my children. I homeschooled them, I was that overprotective, mama, when my babies were little. Nobody else kept my babies. And I didn't understand why at the time I was so overprotective. I realized now it was this fierce need to keep my children safe. And so I've explained all these things. At one point, I had a conversation with my parents. And I did a lot of work with a professional before I had this conversation. I let them know all the things that I struggled with in my life as a result of that abuse. My father rebuked me on every issue and told me that was wrong and I shouldn't feel that way. The beginning of the end with my father was at one point in the conversation, I said, Dad, I'm glad you don't, but you just don't understand what it does to a person to be sexually abused at such a young age. And he yelled at me, what about what it did to me? And my nurturing comforter nature took over and I comforted my father. And I said, I'm so sorry that this happened. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I'm sorry that it affected you. I can't imagine. I went through this whole process with him, but I've never once heard my dad say to me, I'm sorry this happened to you. Um, he has never once tried to comfort me. He's only been angry with me. And in that conversation, I set one very small boundary with my dad. This particular topic is off limits if you want to be in my life. Otherwise, I beg you, be my dad. Love me. I want you in my life, but this is one boundary that can't be crossed. And I finally at one point just asked him, I need a yes or no. Can you do this for me? And my father said no. And we've not spoken since that day. There's no relationship there. Um, and I've lost other relationships as a result of that. Um, you know, I think about this often, and I don't know if my dad set out to be an angry, abusive person. I I tend to believe it comes more out of something happened to him in his life along the way that made him angry. That is no excuse for the way he treated me. It's no excuse for the lack of understanding in what I've gone through now. But I grieve really hard for the loss of my father. It took me months. Um, and I still have moments of grief where I'm grieving the daddy I wish I had had. Uh, after the abuse, I needed gentleness. I needed a daddy, and I'll never in my life understand how a father could turn his face away from his daughter in a moment like that. I needed a daddy to scoop me up and say, I love you. And what happened wasn't your fault, and you're worth so much more than that. And that never happened for me. And it's interesting that now I found that in my savior. And I never thought I would, but I have seen looking back and even now so many times when he just scoops me up. He's not bothered by my brokenness, he's not in a hurry for me to heal. He just loves me right where I am at. I don't have to clean up first and come to him, but he comforts me and he lets me know he loves me. Unfortunately, my earthly father couldn't do that in the ways that I needed. And so there's no longer a relationship there. And I believe that I will never see him or my mom again while they're on this earth. And that absolutely breaks my heart. But it's just not possible with their viewpoints toward me and the harsh way that my they view my coming forward. In the world I grew up in, seeing a therapist or a counselor or a coach is considered evil. And my family believes that mine has put evil ideas into my mind. I've been told that they don't like who I am as a person anymore, that they're very uncomfortable with me because I'm not the daughter they knew. All of those things at a time where I was already seriously struggling. I went through periods of suicidal ideations. And when that was shared with my family, it was not met with compassion and grace. And all those things are just heartbreaking. I miss having a family. But I will say that my husband and my children are the absolute best that I could ever ask for, and they've more than made up for what I'm missing out on. But there is definitely a grief period that comes with that.

SPEAKER_00 27:59

Absolutely. So, do you not have a relationship with your siblings either?

SPEAKER_01 28:02

Two of my siblings, I have a fantastic relationship with. They have been extremely supportive. They have loved me at my absolute darkest hours. I have a sister that dropped everything and came to me when things were hard. And it wasn't easy for her, but she needed to see me with her own eyes and hug me and tell me how loved I was. That just means everything to me. I have an older brother who I do not have any relationship with. I have an older sister who at one point told me it was just molestation and I needed to get over it. And that was the end of that relationship, also. I just don't have a place in my life for someone who believes that about a two-year-old child. And so, yeah, I feel like I've lost about half my family. And I've had to learn now, and I said it several times on this podcast, referring to the family I was born into as my family, but I've had to learn to when I say my family, I think of this brother and sister. I think of my husband and my children and grandchildren and my son-in-law and this cousin that is so close, these people who love me no matter what. I've had to come to terms with that's my family now, and that's who I am investing in and seeking comfort from. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 29:17

Yeah. And that's hard. Well, God does provide those people around us to give us that comfort and fellowship and family. So, what helps you stay anchored in the truth of everything that happened in God's love for you when people just want you to not be that way? So, what kept you there in the truth?

SPEAKER_01 29:37

There's a few things. I have some verses that I'll read that are very grounding for me and help me really remember. One of them is he brought me out into a broad place. He rescued me because he delighted in me. God may not have rescued me when I think he should have, but in the end, God instilled that bravery in me to tell the truth. And he did rescue me. And to know that he did it because he actually takes delight in me. Like I bring joy to the heart of God. The fact just amazes me. And also, I very much have a belief that God also grieves over what happened to me. And then my husband has become a source of so much love for me and so much strength. And he, we went through a very rough period in the midst of all of this. And we had to learn how to be what we needed to be for each other. But he really became a picture of God's love for me because he stayed with me again through my darkest hours, through times when I know I was not lovable. And he stayed with me and he loved me through that. And now he's the place I go when something's hard. When one of the old memories comes up and I'm struggling, he's the person I go to. And I think it makes a difference too that now I feel that communion with God. When I talk to him, I'm not just praying to the ceiling. I feel his presence in my life. And these are all things that I never experienced before. And I've learned that he's a gentle, good God. And that just completely changes. I can handle anything this life throws at me when I have a gentle, kind, good father who's there to scoot me up at the end of it. And it just completely changes my perspective on life.

SPEAKER_00 31:23

Yeah, when you don't have to walk around being afraid that your one little mistake is going to be severe punishment. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:32

Have the nightmares gone away or become less? They have become rare occasions, but I want to tell you, so used to in the nightmares, I told you there were people around. I was always asking them for help, and no one would help me. And the professional that was helping me at one point tried to get me to imagine myself fighting back and rescuing myself, and I couldn't even do it. Now the nightmares are very rare, but when they are, I fight back. I come through. So they don't throw me off as badly as they used to. Used to for days, I would be a complete wreck emotionally. And now it's like, yeah, there was that nightmare again, but it's just old memories coming up, and I'm okay. And I can process through it and move on. And it doesn't keep me down like it did before.

SPEAKER_00 32:20

So, what would you tell a woman who feels that God is angry with her?

SPEAKER_01 32:25

I would say that my heart absolutely goes out to you because I know what that is, and I know what it is to live every second in fear. And I would just really encourage them, be honest with God, tell him where you're at. And I would encourage them to look for proof that God delights in them. God is not an angry, harsh God. And from what I see through scripture, especially in the New Testament, his anger was towards those that were harming God's children. When we mess up as his children and we seek restoration, it is always there and it's always offered instantly and freely because he loves us so much. And so you don't have to be afraid to bring these things to him. He's not going to lash out at you, he's not going to strike you down. We have a gentle, good father that loves us beyond anything we can imagine. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 33:22

What about a woman who's silently carrying a secret? Which I know you told yours in the beginning, but but then you had to carry it for so long. So what do you wish someone would have told you? I needed to hear above all else, it's not your fault.

SPEAKER_01 33:40

My parents said they conferred with experts and they told them not to say anything to me. If I needed to talk about it, I would bring it up. I don't condemn them for that. I know times were different back then. But then I was also raised in a household where you couldn't speak of anything private. To speak of your body or anything was completely off limits. So I wasn't, not only at a young age, did I not have the vocabulary to say it, I also was in an environment that wasn't safe to say it. So I did carry it completely alone. My advice to that woman would be find one safe person. In the beginning, it doesn't have to be a professional, it doesn't have to be a therapist or a counselor. Just find one person that you know is safe and share it with them. The shame dies. I believe it might have been Kurt Thompson that said this, but I am not 100%. But shame dies when stories are told in safe places. And the more I shared my story in safe places, the more empowered I became to break free. And I also would like to say, if it's okay, one thing to people, if you are that person that someone chooses to come to with their story and they've not told someone before, I was told some really harmful things when I first began to share my story. I had one person tell me that God ordained that abuse in my life at two year olds, two years old, because he could only use people who had gone through it to help others and that he was there holding me as that happened. And so in my mind, I pictured God holding me down and telling the man to do this to me. And that was one of the most crushing things that has ever been said to me in my life. I think there's scripture to back up that that is not true. God says he tempts no man with evil. What that man did to me was evil, and God would never put that into his heart to do that to one of his children. The Bible's very clear about what God says about those who have harmed his little ones and what the punishment should be. So I now understand that is not what my God is at all. But please don't say these things to a woman who's struggling. Don't tell her, oh, if God brought you to it, he'll bring you through it, or he'll never give you anything more than you can bear. You know what? The memories of that abuse at two years old were far more than my body or my spirit could bear. I was given more than I could bear. And all the Christian platitudes in the world did not help me. I simply needed to hear this wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve this, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. And I think if I had heard that as a child, my entire life would have taken a different course.

SPEAKER_00 36:22

Absolutely. So, what do you now believe about God that you never could have imagined back then?

SPEAKER_01 36:29

I think the one thing more than anything else is that he is good. I didn't think God was good. I thought he put me into that place. He allowed these things to happen to me. I thought the things that my dad did to me represented God. And none of those painted a picture of a good God. And I now know those things were the complete opposite of what God is. And our God is so good and he's so kind and that he loves me. I have three grandchildren now. And my husband and I often say we never could have comprehended the love that we feel for these babies. And to think that my heavenly father loves me even more than that. I can't even comprehend his goodness and his grace. That is something that I think will never again waver in my mind, that he's good.

SPEAKER_00 37:18

That is awesome. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story.

SPEAKER_01 37:22

Yes, thank you so much. I'm honored that you allowed me this space to share that.

SPEAKER_00 37:27

Um, I think, you know, for the listeners just to hear, because we do get a view of God as harsh and mean. And I think we live life with tally marks. I have so many tally marks in the good, there's so many tally marks in the bad. And so hopefully they, you know, I have more good than bad, but that is not God's God's way.

SPEAKER_01 37:49

Yeah, yeah. And one more thing I would really like to say to the woman who believes she is so broken that she can't be repaired. I want her to know there's hope. You're not gonna be completely healed today or tomorrow, maybe even a month or two, a year down the road. I think it healing is a lifelong journey, but my life now is completely unrecognizable from what it was three years ago. And I'm amazed every day when I see things that I'm doing, and I think I could have never done this three years ago. So hold on to that little thread of hope and just take the next step, the smallest next step that you can take. Just take that. Don't worry about the rest of it. And God's gonna show up in each step and he's gonna be there for you.

SPEAKER_00 38:36

Yeah, and that is that gives so much hope to people who think, I am not ever gonna be good enough for God. And he just looks at you and says, You already are. Yes, yes, that is the biggest thing.

SPEAKER_01 38:48

We're already good enough for him.

unknown 38:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:52

And it has nothing to do with what we do, it's all about Jesus and what he did and how God sees us and loves us individually and uniquely. So thank you again so much. Yes, thank you. I appreciate it. It was a hard yeah, I mean, it was a hard story, but yeah, it is so awesome to see where God has brought you and to see how God can use this. Not that he let you go through it so he could use it, but right because you went through it, nothing is in vain. He doesn't give you anything just to, you know, he doesn't let things happen just to let them happen. He does, I think, you know, just your life and your story shows that he can bring beauty from ashes.

SPEAKER_01 39:34

Yes. I like to say he redeemed my story. He redeemed my life from the pit. Like he has taken all these terrible things that have happened and he created a plan. He didn't create the plan, he created a plan to help me in the aftermath, and he's given me passion and a love for life and a new path that I didn't know was coming because he is so good.

SPEAKER_00 39:57

Yes, absolutely. All right, I am gonna pray for us. Dear Jesus, I thank you for today, and I thank you for Brandy and her story and just your redeeming love through it all. You don't want pain and suffering in this world. That is that was not your plan in the beginning, but through it and because of you and because of your goodness, you bring beauty from ashes in all of it. And nothing is in vain, and nothing is just because. But however the world messes up your plan, you still um use everything for your good and your glory. And I thank you so much for that. And I thank you so much for Brandy and who she is and um where she's at today and her story and her joy and her hope that she shared today. And I thank you so much for her, and I pray blessings over her and her life and her family, and I pray blessings over this podcast as it goes out to reach the women that that need to hear this story. And I thank you so much, and I pray expectantly for what you're going to do. And I pray these things in your name. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 41:02

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 41:03

Thank you. Thank you again, Brandy, and I will be speaking to you, I'm sure, later in the future. All right, thank you. Brandy's story is powerful, not just because of where she's been, but because of where God has brought her. If her words touch something deep in your heart today, I want you to know that you are not alone and healing is possible. Brandy's journey didn't end with her own restoration. It launched her into a new calling. Through her coaching work at Finding Grace Coaching, she now walks alongside other women, helping them discover their true identity in Christ so they can live with purpose and begin to thrive as the women God created them to be. You can learn more about her work at findinggracecoaching.com. Before we close, I want to pray for two women. The one who's listening and sees herself in Brandy's story, and the one who's realizing for the first time that she needs Jesus. Let's pray. For the woman who relates, Lord, I lift up the woman listening right now who feels this is her story. The one who's been carrying pain, shame, and fear for far too long. I pray she would know that you see her. You love her, and you're inviting her into healing. Not punishment, not performance, but grace. Surround her with safe people, wise help, and the courage to begin her journey toward freedom in Jesus' name. Amen. And for the woman who needs Jesus, if today's story opened your heart to Jesus and you want to begin a relationship with him, you can pray something like this with me. Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God. I believe you died for my sins and rose again so I can be free. I am tired of carrying this pain on my own. Today I surrender my life to you. Forgive me, heal me, and show me who I truly am in you. I want to follow you and I receive your love. Amen. If you prayed that prayer, welcome to the family of God. Please don't walk this new journey alone. Reach out. I'd love to encourage you. Thank you so much for joining us today on Encounters at the Will. If this episode encouraged you, would you take a moment to follow the show? Leave a review and share it with someone who needs help. For more resources and support, visit my website at www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com. Or connect with me on Facebook at Hope and Healing Christian Life Coaching. Until next time, be gentle with your story and keep leaning into Christ.