Huh! Huh!
SPEAKER_03:Who?
SPEAKER_02:Who are you? Where am I? I can't breathe. I
SPEAKER_03:can't breathe. I
SPEAKER_02:said... Altitudes? What are you talking about? Where's Debra?
SPEAKER_03:Okay, let's put him back under for the turn. Relax, Agent. You'll be in a more comfy setting soon.
SPEAKER_02:Soon? How soon?
SPEAKER_03:Before you can say Jack Robinson.
SPEAKER_02:Jack Robinson.
SPEAKER_03:Nicely done, Agent. Sweet dreams. Wow.
SPEAKER_02:Hello? Where am I? Is anyone here? Press the blinking red button. Press the blinking red button. Hello? Press the blinking red button. Blinking red button? Press the blinking red button. Okay. Press the blink. Uhh... Okay? Pressing the male preview. Hey, buddy. I, too, am a big fan of Parcheesi. Could I offer you fresh toast? Parcheesi and... toast? Okay, let's hear from you, m'lady.
SPEAKER_00:Those stocks and bonds yesterday were really something. Would you care for some mayonnaise?
SPEAKER_02:What? Mayonnaise? Who programmed this stuff? Sorry, madam, I think I'll go with the... toast? Awesome, my guy. My name is Toby, Broheim. Based on your personality type statistics, I've defaulted to Turbular Surfer, number two. But this can be changed by pressing... Sorry, Broheim. You've selected the default setting of Toby. Press next to continue. Great job! Welcome to the Owl Station. This observation post currently rests at an altitude of 17,225 feet. The highest permanent known settlement is in La Rinconada, Peru, which is at an altitude of 16,700 feet, or 5,100 millibars. Field mice and jumping spiders can live at altitudes of about 6,700 millibars, by comparison. The Owl Station is a state-of-the-art observed observation post which has been constructed to sustain survivability at an altitude of 20,000 feet for up to two years. Nonetheless, in whatever way, should you experience any discomfort or experience high-altitude cerebral edema, also known as hypoxia, which can cause swelling of the brain and even death. In the event of sudden brain swelling or death, please refer to your manual and log the concern. Tardigrades also known as water bears or moss piglets, a primitive invertebrate, can survive in extreme hypoxia by comparison. Press next to continue. Log the concern? Before or after my death? You are referred to as asset number 10987465. Codename, Pot Roast. Pot Roast? Pot Roast. Please familiarize yourself with the industrial-grade cabin. How do I pause? It is 700 square feet, including sleeping quarters, a bathroom and shower combination, a kitchenette, and full-size refrigerator. The kitchenette is supplied with rations and ingredients to last up to three years. Due to the nature of your assignment, there is no external communication provided My... mirror? What is that? Your mirror is your counterpart on this assignment. A mirror is often chosen due to their success on a previous assignment. In other words, you can rely on them for their mentorship and treat them as a confidant for the many months you'll be here. Many months? I don't remember that. Did I agree to that? Please note, temporary memory loss is expected. You should regain full memory access and recall within a few hours. Oh, okay. I guess I did agree to that. Thanks, Toby. The sound you just heard is your personal locker unlocking. There, you will find the uniform you'll wear for the remainder of your stay. It has reinforced seams, double stitching, and sturdy zippers. The durability is only matched by its comfortability, allowing for breathing and freedom of movement. Please retrieve your uniform, get dressed, and then press next to continue. Please note that the internal cameras will temporarily disable to allow for maximum privacy. This is a one-time courtesy. Thanks, I think? No judgment, Toby. It's a little cold in here. Don't you look handsome. Your style is on point. Press next to continue. Thanks, Toby. I appreciate the boost of confidence. Now, let's put you in touch with your mirror. They are located in the Mantis Station. The Mantis is approximately 500 feet west-northwest from your observation post location. It is roughly situated at the same altitude as the Owl Station. The Mantis is moderately larger than the Owl Station, a sprawling 1,100 square feet, a benefit afforded to a more seasoned and experienced agent, an incentive to be sure. At the moment you make contact with your mirror, this presentation will conclude. Any information you require forthward can either be provided by your mirror or your manual. I don't think forthward is a real word. In the event you have an urgent need, you can gain my attention by verbal command. Say, Toby, where art thou? A fan of Shakespeare, I guess. Toby, where art thou? I am here, Pot Roast. How may I help you? Well done, Pot Roast. Voice activation has been enabled. Would you like to connect with your mirror now? If so, use the voice activated command, Mirror Mirror on the Wall, and the captive network will connect you. Shall we proceed? Yes, let's proceed. Mirror Mirror on the Wall. Please stand by. Okay, Toby. Standing by. Connected. Uh, hello? Hey, Toby? I'm not seeing or hearing anything. Oh, uh, wait. Now I can see something. Uh, hey there. Hello?
SPEAKER_01:Hey, so, uh, you're the new guy. Welcome. So, first things first. Did you choose the male or female Toby?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I went with the male.
SPEAKER_01:Not the surfer dude.
SPEAKER_02:No, no. Just the standard Toby. You chose a female version of Toby, I take it?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, uh... Elated travel agent number two.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, why that one?
SPEAKER_01:I don't know. She's, uh... Peppy? Positive? Besides, I knew I was going to be here a long time, so I wanted a woman's attention.
SPEAKER_02:Hmm. That's a good point. I just wasn't in the mood for mayonnaise, so I chose toast. What? Never mind. Never mind. So, how long have you been on assignment?
SPEAKER_01:Nuh-uh. We're not supposed to talk specific durations. Did you forget?
SPEAKER_02:I actually didn't know that.
SPEAKER_01:all in the manual you haven't read the manual
SPEAKER_02:if i did i don't remember toby said after regaining consciousness temporary memory loss is expected
SPEAKER_01:oh right memory loss i forgot about that look i was just pulling your leg about not sharing the time we've been on assignment the manual does stay Don't share personal information, but you'll come to find I don't mind bending the rules a little bit.
SPEAKER_02:Ah, okay. Good to know. So, how long?
SPEAKER_01:Thirteen months, give or take.
SPEAKER_02:Over a year? Holy shit! Please, attempt to refrain from profanity. This is a professional environment. This is just a warning. Any repeated attempts at obscenity will result in a registered infraction. This is a one-time courtesy. Uh, did that really just happen?
SPEAKER_01:It did. Toby's mostly harmless when he's not acting like the company's own version of the vulgarity police.
SPEAKER_02:Big Brother is listening, I guess.
SPEAKER_01:And watching. There are cameras all over the cabin. Except for the shitter.
SPEAKER_02:Oh yes, Toby mentioned a one-time disabling of cameras out of privacy.
SPEAKER_01:Right, so you'll be giving them a nice peep show for the rest of your stay. So we're not supposed to share our actual names. So when do you impress me with the wonderful code name you were given?
SPEAKER_02:I'm ready, but you should be sitting down.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. Sitting. Far away.
SPEAKER_02:Drumroll, please. I am codename Pot Roast.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, no. They did not. Well, at least they're staying consistent.
SPEAKER_02:And what is yours? Please don't tell me it's codename Night Snake or something.
SPEAKER_01:Far more badass. Codename, Beef Stew.
SPEAKER_02:Why? That's all I can say, why? The
SPEAKER_01:company must really like rustic comfort food. Speaking of, have you checked out your new digs? It can seem a little cramped, but it's fully stocked. That is, if you don't mind cooking. A few meals are microwavable, but they taste awful. Unfortunately, there is no delivery service here.
SPEAKER_02:Wherever here is.
SPEAKER_01:They do occasionally make special food drops, if we've reached a milestone in your assignment.
SPEAKER_02:Food drop? How does that work exactly?
SPEAKER_01:Next to your locker. See that tube there? Sort of like a tube you'd see at a bank drive-thru.
SPEAKER_02:The pneumatic tube transport, or PTT, is designed to allow for the easy sending and receiving of specific requests, which can include food, items, including non-telecommunication personal effects, or knickknacks. Thank you, Toby.
SPEAKER_01:Toby does that from time to time. He interjects without a verbal command.
SPEAKER_02:Have you received anything through the tube?
SPEAKER_01:Oh, sure. 600-count silk sheets has been the biggest perk.
SPEAKER_02:I think I'd ask for an iron. There's a crease in my sleeve here that is driving me bonkers.
SPEAKER_01:Wow. Dreaming big, I see.
SPEAKER_02:I have a little OCD.
SPEAKER_01:I don't think we were hired because of our charming personalities. Hey, can I ask you a question?
SPEAKER_02:Sure, go for it.
SPEAKER_01:Who's Debra? Sorry, you just shouted her name when you woke up.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I did? I'm not offended or anything that you asked. I just wasn't sure how you... I wasn't expecting to hear her name. She... Debra is my wife. Ex-wife. Wife, actually.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, okay. That explains it. They almost never hire family men.
SPEAKER_02:Nope, not a family man. My ex and I tried, but it didn't take. I wanted to be a dad, but I always felt like I was trying to convince her. Then the doctors settled the score, and we found out we couldn't.
SPEAKER_01:Is that why you divorced?
SPEAKER_02:No, no. There were other reasons.
SPEAKER_01:You made it further than I did. There's only one thing I've been committed to more than this job, and that is being entirely uncommitted in personal relationships. A shrink once told me I have ASPD, but I think I just don't do well with people. In life, that is. Guess that is why I... seem to excel at these assignments. I'm very personable and relatable from high altitudes and at great distances.
SPEAKER_02:Well, for the record, whoever is watching and listening, Agent Beef Stew has been extremely helpful and made me feel welcome.
SPEAKER_01:What is it? You began to cringe.
SPEAKER_02:It was more of a grimace than a cringe. It's just hard to take our codenames seriously. Just saying them out loud, maybe we could shorten them? I'm PR and you are... DS?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's not going to fly. I
SPEAKER_02:see your point. I'll just have to get over it.
SPEAKER_01:Trust me, compared to your predecessor, your codename might as well be Maverick or Snake Eyes.
SPEAKER_02:Predecessor?
SPEAKER_01:The agent before you. Oh, right. You won't remember that, but it was explained in your manual. You're replacing them.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, what was their code name?
SPEAKER_01:Welsh
SPEAKER_02:Rabbit. Is that a type of animal or more food-themed code names? Welsh Rabbit is a baked dish containing cheese sauce on toasted bread. It would be classified as Irish pub food. The name of the dish was eventually altered to Welsh rarebit since the delicacy does not, in fact, contain rabbit, and it confused the populace. Hasenpfeffer, a traditional German stew, is made with rabbit by comparison. Yeah, I'm not feeling as bad about pot roast anymore.
SPEAKER_01:Welsh rabbit was a good agent. Very detail-oriented. Didn't have a sense of humor, really, but he could tolerate me, I guess.
SPEAKER_02:Did you both start this assignment at the same time?
SPEAKER_01:Yep. Just like you, it was his first one. My third.
SPEAKER_02:I guess I should ask, why did he need to be replaced?
SPEAKER_01:You really need to find your manual. Uh, but... I can only tell you what happened from my perspective. I think he got bored, maybe even cabin fever. He just couldn't hack it. You need endurance on these assignments to withstand the monotony.
SPEAKER_02:So he requested off the assignment?
SPEAKER_01:The company doesn't allow you to just quit. My understanding is that he requested transfer to something a little more fast-paced with a shorter time span.
SPEAKER_02:Hmm. i hope he found what he was looking for i
SPEAKER_01:can't believe we've gone this long without you actually asking about the assignment
SPEAKER_02:i figured you'd fill me in
SPEAKER_01:okay walk to the touch screen all right see the button that says open sesame
SPEAKER_02:uh yep
SPEAKER_01:okay then open sesame
SPEAKER_02:Uh-oh. It's on your permanent record now. It was worth it. I bet you get killer sunrises from here.
SPEAKER_01:I don't doubt it, if we ever saw the sun. I realize our location is top secret, kept even from us, but if this isn't a polar night, then I don't know what it is.
SPEAKER_02:How long did you say you've been here?
SPEAKER_01:13 months or so.
SPEAKER_02:And you've never seen the sun? Not once? Not a single ray. Toby, where art thou? I'm here, Podros. How may I help you? Toby, what is the longest amount of time a polar night can last? Your inquiry is germane. However, a response would violate security clearance protocols.
SPEAKER_01:It was worth a shot. I've tried asking my version of Toby the same thing. She gave me the same canned response. I'm taking things at face value. The assignment calls for me to live in a place with no sunlight, so be it.
SPEAKER_02:I guess you're right. Nothing I can do about it now.
SPEAKER_01:So, back to the mission at hand. Take a look through the telescope. Let me know what you see.
SPEAKER_02:Which one is the telescope?
SPEAKER_01:You'll have three primary tools for our mission of observation. The telescope is in the center. The two devices on either side of the telescope are long-range cameras, still and video. The telescope you'll notice has been wiped of any branding or model number, so I couldn't tell you what brand it is, but it's very high-tech. If you zoom in close enough, you can watch a fly take a bath.
SPEAKER_02:It looks like a cozy log cabin at the peak of a mountain.
SPEAKER_01:Congratulations. Mission spot roast. Enter it in your field log. You just completed the assignment for the day.
SPEAKER_02:Wait. That's it?
SPEAKER_01:Yup. Spy on this cabin.
SPEAKER_02:You're telling me you've been observing this cabin for over a year and that's the assignment? You
SPEAKER_01:got it.
SPEAKER_02:Any developments in 13 months?
SPEAKER_01:Nada. Nada. Not a sound, not a strange disturbance or unusual shadow. The cabin seems to be completely abandoned, if it was ever occupied at all. The mission, the minimum is observation every two hours and add an entry to the field log. Now that you're here, we'll alternate. I did the last one, so you have around two hours before a new observation will need to be logged. As if on cue, it's nap time. This is going to be the biggest challenge you'll find. It's night 24-7, so it gets a little foggy, figuratively speaking, when to sleep, when to be awake, when to eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner. So... Coming up with a schedule that works for you is absolutely critical to the success of the assignment. It sounds easy, but having a sound sleep interrupted every two hours is no bueno. My advice, let's crash now and in two hours wake up, snap a few shots of the cabin, and then back to dreamland you go.
SPEAKER_02:Actually, a couple hours of shut-eye sound perfect. Thanks for giving me the state of play. For those listening... Beef stew has significantly prepared me for success.
SPEAKER_01:Don't let the
SPEAKER_02:jumping spiders bite. Hello? Hmm. Nothing. What time is it? Almost time for my first shift. Might as well get it over with.
SPEAKER_03:Since
SPEAKER_02:I'm up. Okay. Cabin is still. No movement. Nothing's changed. Just a quaint lifeless log cabin. Entered it in the log and done. Time for more shut-eye. Ah! Damn it! Toby, where art thou? Hello? Shit! Fuck! Asshole! Nothing? Is the power out? What is that? Something wedged under the floor. It's my manual? Well, that explains why I couldn't find it. Memory loss or not, I know I didn't shove it under the floor. Wait, what is that? Blacklight? For what? Warning! Proximity breach! Warning! Proximity brea- Agent Potrost, you've successfully logged your first observation entry. Congratulations! Toby, you warned of a proximity breach. Is there something out there? Scanning. Please stand by. Negative. I do not detect any objects or life, foreign or otherwise, in a 60-mile radius. Clear skies. Thanks for checking, Toby. Um, goodnight? What is that? Toby, where art thou? Hello, Pot Roast. How can I help you? Were there any scheduled PTT deliveries for today? Negative. Nothing scheduled. Do you have a request? Um, no, nothing. Thanks, Toby. Sorry to disturb you. Good night. Good night, Pot Roast. What is this? A key? A key and a note. Agent Welsh Rabbit. The key as you requested. For your eyes only. Do not share with your mirror. Oh shit. Please attempt to refrain from profanity. This is a professional environment. You have received two registered infractions. An appropriate alternative could have been... Darn. Fudge. or the British English synonym, Buncombe.
UNKNOWN:Produced by Jason Beard.
SPEAKER_03:Magnetar stars Eric Carlino as Pat Roast, Mike Cunningham as Beef Stew, Ryan Doms as Toby, and Leslie Grant as Clementine. Yeah.