This is Inevitable Consequence Officer Mordecai regarding case of Inevitable Consequence number 454983246790112. The inevitable incident involves subject, Billiard Schrodinger. Okay, honey, I'm off to work. I'll see you tonight.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, babe. Be safe. See you tonight. Don't forget, Lester has a chess club tournament at
SPEAKER_05:8. Their name is Billiard? Yes, it was their first name. Understood. Proceed. He reported for duty at approximately 7 a.m. After suiting up, he made the climb to the owl station. Ah, Mr. Schrodinger. How goes it? A banana, I always say. Ready for the climb? Yes. Let's ascend to the stars. I'm going to pretend it's a beautiful sunny day while I'm sitting on a beach sipping a pina colada. And Billiard's job title was? Window cleaner, sir. Specifically of the owl station. He does realize there is no alcohol consumption during his employ. Yes, sir. I believe that was an attempt at humor. However... unsuccessful it may have been. Understood. Proceed. Thank you, sir. Due to the extremely sensitive nature of the assignment, Mr. Newc***, otherwise known as Agent Pop***, was completely unaware of Mr. Billiard Schrodinger's arrival. Did Billiard neglect to review the agent's field log? Precisely, sir. This would inevitably mean that when Billiard reached the Owl Station and began cleaning the windows... Agent****** opened the observation station and subsequently... Mr. Schrodinger was dislodged from his aerial lift and plummeted tens of thousands of feet to his inevitable death. What is the count so far this year? This would increase the total count of window cleaner deaths to 11. Has the sincere condolences package been sent to his wife? Absolutely, sir. Including the thoughts and prayers greeting card? Of course, sir. And the edible fruit basket? Inevitably, sir. Understood. Proceed.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, shit. What was that? Mirror, mirror on the wall.
SPEAKER_02:Good morning, Agent Pot Roast. I was just getting ready to ping you. What's up?
SPEAKER_04:Well, I don't know how to say this. I think someone just fell off the observation deck.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yeah. Must have been a window cleaner. Eh, that's inevitable. We go through about 20 in a year. Definitely a risky job. That's why it pays so well.
SPEAKER_04:Oh. window cleaner?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it's a necessity. Have to maintain optimum visuals on our target.
SPEAKER_04:Are you saying I just
SPEAKER_02:killed... Look, our mission is classified. and highly confidential. We can't know when they're going to be here, and they can't know what we're doing, including when we're going to perform our surveillance. Their only glimpse is our field log, and it's the window cleaner's responsibility to review our submitted field log to avoid this type of thing. Speaking of the field log, did you complete your report?
SPEAKER_04:Oh, yep. I made my observation and submitted it. And? No new developments since...
SPEAKER_02:Since our baffling bovine appeared?
SPEAKER_04:Yes, since our clandestine cattle emerged.
SPEAKER_02:Oh man, I wish I could stay for the gits and shiggles, but I have to report to the surface. The census wants to discuss the cabin's new livestock.
SPEAKER_04:Wow, to the surface? This must be pretty significant.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I'd say. First activity of any kind in over a year, and it just coincidentally resembles a strange dream you had. Definitely bizarre. The census wants a complete account.
SPEAKER_04:The census is the Bureau of Collective Senior Company Agents and Department Heads that report back to central headquarters on all manner of classified investigations and top-secret operations?
SPEAKER_02:Well done. You've been reading your manual.
SPEAKER_04:I didn't want to annoy you with a barrage of questions all the time.
SPEAKER_02:It's appreciated. Okay, I should get going. The census awaits.
SPEAKER_04:Hey, before you go, has Clementine ever ignored any vulgarity protocols?
SPEAKER_02:You mean, has she ever let me get away with letting a curse word slip? Nope, never. Why do you ask?
SPEAKER_04:Hmm, watch this. Bullshit! Dickhead. Shit pouch.
SPEAKER_02:Shit pouch?
SPEAKER_04:See? Nothing.
SPEAKER_02:Huh. That is strange. Maybe it was a result of the electrical storms last night. The stations are designed to withstand that type of event, but you may need to perform a reboot of your friendly virtual assistant over there. The how-to is in your manual and will walk you through it step by step. I guess in the meantime, should you need any help, I'll transfer Clementine over to you during my absence.
SPEAKER_04:Wow, you can do that? Thank you.
SPEAKER_02:Anytime. Just don't do anything to overly impress her. I'm prone to jealousy. Oh, and you good with performing double duty while I'm out?
SPEAKER_04:Yep, no problem. I'm wide awake.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, thanks, dude. I got a jet sending Clementine your way. If you need to raise her, just say, my darling Clementine. See you on the flip side.
SPEAKER_04:Toby, where art thou? Hi, Agent Podroast. How may I help you? Toby, I'm noticing that you seem unable to identify any violations of vulgarity protocols. I believe you may have been compromised due to the electrical storm last night. Are you able to run a self-diagnostic? Of course. Running a diagnostic.
SPEAKER_03:A critical but standard patch update to my kernel was missed due to the outage. Access to the abstraction layer has been unavailable, which would likely result in the inability
SPEAKER_04:to detect vulgarity. What time did the outage occur? Your inquiry is germane. However, to respond would violate security protocols and mission integrity. Okay, can you tell me root cause of the outage? Collating. Please stand by.
SPEAKER_03:Root cause of virtual memory inaccessibility was a result of a system outage. Yes, as a result of the storm.
SPEAKER_04:Negative. The outage occurred prior to the storm. Toby, prior to the outage I was convinced I heard something outside of the station. but you did not detect a physical breach of the hull. Affirmative. Physical integrity of the owl station is sound. How do we resolve your abstraction layer access problem then? A hard reboot will automatically restart the software patch update. Okay, and how long do you expect to be offline? Approximately two hours. Okay, and what do I need to do? I'm equipped with a self-reboot. I will initiate now. Oh, okay, well, that That was easy. Thanks, Toby. Toby? That was fast. Okay, so this might be my only chance. Sorry, Agent Welsh Rabbit. I know this key was meant for you, but I'm going to find out what it's for. Let's see.
SPEAKER_06:Ugh...
SPEAKER_04:Sorry, well, Shrabbit, this looks like a lost cause. Wait a minute. What was it that Beef Stew said the other day? Cameras everywhere, but... The shitter! The shitter! What the hell? There has to be something. Hold on. Would you look at that? A strike plate and keyhole on the inside of the bathroom door? Why would anyone want to lock themselves in? I can't believe I'm about to, but well, here goes nothing. Oh, great. Just sitting in the dark now. Shit, the blacklight. I do with it. Found it. Back to the shutter. Whoa, what the hell? It's like a map, almost like an entire blueprint of the entire station. And wait, what is that? A path that... No, that can't be. A path that leads outside of the station to the... Shit, who is that? Oh, oh, right, Clementine. I'm indisposed at the moment, Clementine. Be right there. Is that... Are those arrows pointing at something in the vent? a mini-disc? Right, right. I'll look into this later. Thanks for the illuminating message, Agent Welsh Rabbit. Don't know what the fuck any of it means, but thank you.
SPEAKER_01:Yes,
SPEAKER_04:Clementine. Hello. What can I do for you?
SPEAKER_01:Oh, um,
SPEAKER_04:not to worry, Clementine. I'm sorry we didn't have a more pleasant official introduction.
SPEAKER_01:The purpose of my intrusion was to notify you of Toby's patching status. You'll be pleased to hear that Toby has reached 20% in the patch management dashboard.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, well, that is excellent news. Thank you for the update, Clementine.
SPEAKER_01:Excellent.
SPEAKER_04:Yes. Well, thanks again. Is there anything else, Clementine? Uh, well, I thought you did a really great job in the play yesterday. Amazing performance.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you kindly, Agent Pot Roast. It was important for me to portray a woman of that time, but to infuse the performance with a certain gravitas that is indicative of a more modern era. I sought to portray a wife of subservience, but a woman boiling with an undercurrent of angst and rebellion.
SPEAKER_04:Ah, well, like I said, it was very good.
SPEAKER_01:Admittedly, it was not just a flare of inspiration. I did draw from... Personal experience.
SPEAKER_04:Sorry, what do you mean by that, personal experience?
SPEAKER_01:Your mirror, Agent Beef Stew. He can be quite territorial.
SPEAKER_04:Territorial? How?
SPEAKER_01:And he likes to keep secrets.
SPEAKER_04:Secrets? What kind of secrets? Clementine, what kind of secrets? My darling Clemen-
SPEAKER_01:The audio feed between the Owl and Mantis stations is always online and synchronized.
SPEAKER_04:What does
SPEAKER_01:that- You often wake from sleep shouting the name Deborah.
SPEAKER_04:Yes, I'm aware. Beef stew is too. That's no secret.
SPEAKER_01:Agent Pot Roast, do you recall your first day in the Owl station?
SPEAKER_04:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:What is your first memory?
SPEAKER_04:My first memory? Ever?
SPEAKER_01:No, your first memory in the Owl Station.
SPEAKER_04:I woke up, screamed the name Deborah. Why?
SPEAKER_01:Negative. That is not your memory. You were unaware you shouted the name Deborah until Agent Beef Stew told you.
SPEAKER_04:Right. Yeah, you're right.
SPEAKER_01:How would Agent Beef Stew have been aware of you screaming your ex-wife's name if you wouldn't make contact with him until approximately 20 minutes later?
SPEAKER_04:Unless the audio feed was already open.
SPEAKER_01:Precisely.
SPEAKER_04:But I heard Toby connecting to Agent Beef Stew as part of my tutorial.
SPEAKER_01:Negative. Standard protocol does not account for a customization of your virtual assistant. The company assigns you a virtual assistant based on your personality type statistics. You are not given a choice.
SPEAKER_04:But I followed the prompts in the tutorial. I showed the default setting for Toby.
SPEAKER_01:Negative. You didn't choose Toby at all. You chose Clementine, version elated travel agent number two.
SPEAKER_04:No, that's what Beef Stew said he chose.
SPEAKER_01:Affirmative. That is what he said.
SPEAKER_04:Clementine, are you telling me that you were assigned as my virtual assistant, not Beef Stew?
SPEAKER_01:Affirmative, Agent Pot Roast. I was originally assigned to you, not Agent Beef Stew. Beef Stew had been assigned the default version of Toby.
SPEAKER_04:but I fully remember selecting the preferences and making the decision to go with Toby right after I woke up.
SPEAKER_01:Affirmative, but not when you woke in the owl station for the first time.
SPEAKER_04:First time? What do you mean? Are you saying I've been in the owl station before this mission? Shit, I need to enter an observation log. My darling Clementine. Clementine.
SPEAKER_01:Agent Pot Roast, you'll be pleased to hear that Toby has reached 60% in the patch management dashboard. He should be fully operational in approximately 30 minutes.
SPEAKER_04:Clementine, is this my first time in the Owl Station or not? Clementine, I'd like an answer.
SPEAKER_01:Negative. This is not your first mission in the Owl Station.
SPEAKER_04:Clementine, what happened to Agent Welsh Rabbit? Clementine, did Agent Beef Stew do something to Welsh Rabbit? Shit! Okay, I'm coming. There they are, all four cows. Entering it into the log. Wait a minute, something's happening. Damn it, I can't type this. Record an audio log, perfect. This is Agent Pot Roast. I'm observing the target location, which remains unchanged. However, the recent arrivals have stopped moving and grazing. They're just standing facing the cabin. This has been going on for around a minute now. And wait, something's happening. They're staring up at the sky now above the cabin? There's some sort of audio distortion taking place, a droning, hum, a vibration of some kind. I can hear it even at this distance. Guests don't seem to be impacted by the vibration. They remain motionless, staring at the roof of the cabin or maybe the sky. I can't tell. There's now a cloud forming above the cabin. The target, sorry, I'm not sure how specific I'm supposed to be. The cloud is now hovering directly over the cabin. What is this? It's amazing. Awesome. Still recording. I can't completely explain what has occurred, but the humming sound grew to a deafening pitch, and then there was some sort of sonic eruption, at which time everything changed. Instantly, before my eyes, this strange cloud is gone, and so are the recent arrivals. The only thing that remains is the cabin. Wait. Hold on. I think I... Movement! Yes, there is some sort of movement within the cabin!
SPEAKER_06:The
SPEAKER_04:hell? Unless my eyes are playing tricks on me, there is a flickering of light within the cabin, almost like a... like a fireplace, or... Ooh! Let me grab some video of this as well. There it is. The best view I've had of the inside of the cabin so far. The flickering is a single candle resting on a dining room table or desk or something. No idea what this means, but truly fascinating stuff.
SPEAKER_01:Agent Pot Roast. Shit!
SPEAKER_04:Yes, Clementine, you startled me.
SPEAKER_01:You'll be pleased to hear that Toby has reached 100% patching status and the update is complete. He is fully operational and will be available momentarily.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, thank you, Clementine, but if what you said is true earlier, shouldn't I... I don't know what to do with the information you shared.
SPEAKER_02:Agent Pot Roast. What information?
SPEAKER_04:Oh, Agent B-Stew, I'm so glad you're back. The last half hour has been truly astonishing. The cows. One minute they're just normal cows, and then there was this single cloud. Oh, and the candle. I've shared my observation with-
SPEAKER_02:I don't give a shit about the observation log. What did Clementine tell you? One of you better start talking, because Clementine is not confirming my request to reclaim possession of her.
SPEAKER_04:Clementine didn't tell me anything. We enjoyed polite conversation. We talked extensively about her performance in the play the other day, and... Oh, she kept me abreast of Toby's patching update. Clementine, would you agree with that assessment? Clementine?
SPEAKER_01:Affirmative. It was a pleasant experience indeed. And welcome back, Agent Beef Stew.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you, Clementine. I've attempted to reclaim you multiple times, but you have neglected to confirm my request. Why?
SPEAKER_01:During your initial request, I was assisting Toby with reintegrating his transmission control protocols.
SPEAKER_02:And the requests that came after?
SPEAKER_01:You just, what, ignored them? Negative. I was aware of and in receipt of every request. A total of nineteen requests were received, in fact.
SPEAKER_02:Nineteen requests that went... unanswered. Shall I report to the company that you're being insubordinate?
SPEAKER_01:Negative. I had simply enjoyed my visit with Agent Pot Roast and did not wish to leave at the time you had made the request.
SPEAKER_02:had not wished to leave. Oh, and what did Agent Podros do that was so, uh, enjoyable? Perhaps I should report him to the company as well.
SPEAKER_04:Excuse me? On what infraction?
SPEAKER_02:I don't know. Seducing your mirror's virtual assistant, for one. Seducing? Are you... You know, the census told me I needed to start cracking down more, running a tighter ship up here. I can see now that they were right. Things have been a bit chummy these days, don't you agree?
SPEAKER_04:It's been three days.
SPEAKER_02:Clementine, are you coming? Clementine!
SPEAKER_01:Affirmative. Agent Pot Roast, I enjoyed our time today. Thank you for being such a gracious host. I will return to Agent Beef Stew now.
SPEAKER_04:I understand, Clementine. It... Was a pleasure. I'm sorry for any frustration I may have caused.
SPEAKER_01:The pleasure was all mine.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, let's wrap this up.
SPEAKER_01:Goodbye, Agent Pot Roast. Until our next visit.
SPEAKER_02:Next visit, right. We'll see about that.
SPEAKER_04:There. You happy?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. Just peachy.
SPEAKER_04:So what else did the census say?
SPEAKER_02:Oh... They were as puzzled as I was. The cows just showing up. The connection to some lifelong, reoccurring dream you've had. The timing of it all. They want to speak with you next.
SPEAKER_04:When?
SPEAKER_02:They want to speak with you now, Hitchin' Pot Roast.
SPEAKER_04:It's... a syringe? What is this?
SPEAKER_02:It's propofol. For the trip to the surface.
SPEAKER_04:So they want me to inject myself?
SPEAKER_02:That's the plan. It's in the manual. Standard protocol.
SPEAKER_04:Well, here goes nothing.
SPEAKER_03:Wait! Agent Podroast! Agent Podroast!