Kate Mason (00:00):

Have you ever caught yourself saying or doing something and thought, oh no, I've just become my mother or my father. And when your child is having a meltdown, do you ever feel like you're having one on the inside too? Now, could that be a younger version of you trying to speak up? Do you find it hard to be kind to yourself as a parent, especially after a tough day? And when was the last time you actually paused and said to yourself, what did I need at the age? The age that my child's melting down? And could that question change the way you respond to your child? Are you reacting to your child or does something unresolved from your own childhood? And what would happen if you got really curious about your story, not just theirs? So I want you to take a moment and really think about this.

(00:50):

What does your own childhood bring into your parenting? It's something that we don't often stop to consider, but once we do, it can change everything about the way we see ourselves and how we show up for our kids. I'm Kate Mason, and welcome to Parenting and Personalities. This is the podcast that connects you to the ones you care about the most, and that's exactly where today's guest comes in. Lisa Taylor is a highly respected family therapist, parenting coach and speaker with over 25 years of experience helping families and professionals build strong, healthy relationships. As a director of the Strengthening Families Australia, she's developed the three C parenting model, courage, connection, and Curiosity, which transforms how we relate to ourselves and others known for her warmth, insight, and practical tools. Lisa supports parents, leaders and teams to navigate emotions, strength, strengthen communication, and create lasting change. A mom of three teenagers herself, she brings both personal understanding and professional wisdom to every conversation.

(02:05):

Her belief is simple. The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships. Today, Lisa and I are taking a look at the fascinating and sometimes surprising ways that your own childhood can shape the way that you parent. Why do certain behaviors push our buttons? Why do we sometimes respond in ways that don't feel like us? And how can we begin to notice and nurture that little version of ourselves that still lives inside us? So stick with us while we look at our behaviors and the child within. It's something we might not always think about, but it's definitely worth exploring. Good morning, Lisa. It's such a pleasure to have you on the show today. Thank you for joining us.

Lisa Taylor (02:44):

Oh, thank you so much, Kate. It's such a pleasure to be here. I'm really excited.

Kate Mason (02:48):

And so I now, you've spent the last 25 years helping families navigate complexities of relationships and emotions and partnerships. So what was it that initially started this passion for you? Was it a childhood thing or a teenage thing? Where did you begin?

Lisa Taylor (03:04):

Yeah, it's a great question. So I suppose really in childhood as a really sensitive little child, I struggled with at times when I felt like I wasn't heard and that my parents, we lived on a farm. There's not a lot of time for feelings and especially back in that generation. And I'm the fourth of five children.

Kate Mason (03:28):

Wow.

Lisa Taylor (03:31):

So when lambs died or there was some big thing that happened, I really felt it, and no disrespect to my parents at all because they were managing a lot, but a lot of times I was told to be quiet, you're too soft. Stop talking. Why are you crying? Just get over it. That kind of thing. So it really, I suppose, set me up for when I started parenting my own children to be really conscious of how I was doing that and was I doing a good enough job? And I suppose some of the things that happened was that I was really triggered by my own children when I felt that they weren't listening to me. So that's how I really came into working with parents. And my huge passion is supporting parents to listen to themselves, but also to be the best that they can be for their children.

Kate Mason (04:34):

So my question to you is, when did you realize that you were being triggered and how did you get help for it yourself? Or did you learn that over your psychology courses that you had done, how to manage those feelings for yourself?

Lisa Taylor (04:48):

Yeah, look, I've done a lot of work and I suppose it was in my early twenties when I was starting to get into relationships and I started to realize that there was a lot of things that I was doing that were really unresourceful in wanting to feel heard and seen. And so when I finished uni or when I finished school, I went and did a teaching degree and kind of really realized that wasn't really for me. There was something else that I really wanted to do. And in those relationships, early relationships, what I started to notice was that I was always feeling not enough, not good enough. And so long story short, I went and had a very good teaching job and my mom died and really suddenly my whole kind world turned upside down and I realized there was something else that I was meant to be doing, but also someone else that I was meant to be being.

(05:54):

And so I quit my job. I had two little kids and I went and did a life coaching course, but prior to that, I remember going to see a friend of mine who was a life coach and just sort of blurted out all of this stuff that was happening for me in terms of grief and loss, but also not knowing who I was and parenting in a way that I really didn't like myself. And so all I could come up with was that I want to help people. And so with some of her help, then I went on to do a life coaching course and then niched in coaching parents and parenting, and then went on to further study in family therapy. So there's a lot of, that's over many years, but a lot of self-discovery, which I really bring into the work that I do with families and with with parents.

Kate Mason (06:52):

It is really important, isn't it? Because we don't realize the triggers that we do have in our life, and particularly when you're going to talk today about the child that we have within us, which is something that none of us really think about until we get to possibly a desperate time when we are sitting there and not knowing who we are and understanding our feelings and emotions often, unless you're in therapy or you have a therapist or someone to bring it out for you, we go throughout the rest of our lives not knowing or understanding what it is. So what do you find when people come in to work with you? How do you begin the process and what's your most common type of area that you work with? Families?

Lisa Taylor (07:36):

So a lot of people come to me with questions about, I can't get my child to do this. Or they have these huge blowups or they're really angry. Or parents come because a child has an issue or they have an issue. And a lot of times it's around anger and mistrust, and even there might have been an incident or some kind of trauma that's impacted the family. And so people come looking for support in those areas. And initially when they come, we talk and I listen to what's happened for them, what's the story that they're bringing into the therapy room, and what's the story that's kind of keeping this problem in its place in the family? And family work differs from individual work in that we get to listen and hear all everybody's views of the story and they're different. There's a different way of seeing things. And when we can bring families together and help them to understand each other's stories, then they can have some empathy and some compassion for what each other are going through.

Kate Mason (09:00):

When you do this, are they all in one room when they're telling their stories, or do people tell their stories to you individually and you bring them together after that? Because often I could see people clashing and arguing as stories are told.

Lisa Taylor (09:15):

Yeah, a little bit of both. So it depends on what's happening. Sometimes if it's with younger children, I'll bring the parents in first and we'll talk about what's happening and what the issue is, what they've tried, what's working, what's not working. But sometimes with teenagers, we might have a session with a parent and a session, separate session with a teenager, bring them all together and it's good to agree on how things are going to play out so people have some sense of what's going to happen. It can be scary coming into a therapy room, and I'm not a big fan of confrontation, and I don't think most people are. So doing it in a really gentle kind and in a way that we get to share what's in your hearts, not so much focus on the actual problem. So it's sort of bringing people back into what do they want in the relationship? And what I get to watch and get to see play out is how people do relationships, and that's really interesting to me.

Kate Mason (10:25):

What's the most interesting for you about that then?

Lisa Taylor (10:29):

So I suppose the interesting thing is that we are so conditioned and we don't even realize it by our own childhood. And so the way that your mother listened to you or didn't listen to you or dismissed your big feelings or however she reacted when you had big feelings often is the way that we parent and unconsciously not knowing that that's what we're doing, but that's what we do. And so many parents are doing such a wonderful job and then something happens a trigger, some kind of incident or some kind of frustration happens and parents react in a way that they go, oh God, I'm just like my mom. It can relate. I

Kate Mason (11:20):

Hate that. Absolutely. Yeah. And so what do you do when people say that? What's your form of support for that? Because in all honesty, I had never thought I'm being, I think most of our generation, I dunno the ones coming up, but we are conditioned often to, and those things come up and grab us when we are upset or whatever, and we do say, oh my goodness, that's not something my mother would've said, or, so where does that sit in our background and is it a trauma or is it just a behavior that we need to recognize and change? So we were going to talk about helping children through their big emotions and the fact that we actually have our own big emotions and we possibly dunno what to do with them or where they came from.

Lisa Taylor (12:08):

Yeah, it's a really, really good question and one that I think is changing the landscape of parenting. I think we're in a really amazing place at the moment where parents are more conscious of how they respond to their children and how we parent than say we were maybe a generation ago. And so they're doing hard work. All these parents, they're doing really hard work questioning, why am I doing that? One of the things that I think is really important is for parents to the way that your parenting, that's not kind of congruent with how you feel, is it? You feel it, you feel a trigger or a reaction, or you react to something that has happened and you feel really crappy or pretty shit about it. And it's really taking a step back for parents and having an awareness and asking the questions, what was that that happened then? Or what was I feeling in that moment? And a lot of times the main question that I love to ask people and to get people to really think about is, am I responding to the child in front of me or am I responding to the child within me,

(13:39):

Or am I reacting to the child in front of me or am I reacting to the child within me?

Kate Mason (13:47):

And when you ask that question of the adult, what's usually the response?

Lisa Taylor (13:51):

Often it's like, Ooh, that's a big question. And then it's like, my mom never listened, and when my child's not listening, I just lose it.

Kate Mason (14:09):

Yep.

Lisa Taylor (14:12):

So

Kate Mason (14:13):

Go on.

Lisa Taylor (14:15):

Or it might be that there's a story that they have about your children have to always be polite or something, or they need to be helping around the house or the room has to be whatever the rules and kind of stories we have about how things should be and should is a really key word because the minute we say should we need to kind of question where did that come from? Whose rule is that? And so then to just really kind of question in what way is that some of my stuff, how was I parented or how my parents respond when I was feeling like this? And for parents to really think about and ask the question is, what actually does my child need right now? And if it's in the heat of the moment or there's something big that happens, then responding to the child first and coming back to your own stuff a bit later is really key.

Kate Mason (15:25):

So when you come back to your own stuff, what do you find that parents come back to? And if a trauma, if it's quite traumatic or if it's just a simple, my mum never responded to me, which I know can be quite traumatic anyway, but do most of us have this in us? Is there part of our childhood that we remember or we don't remember even that sits there and manages us as adults? Do you get what I mean?

Lisa Taylor (15:51):

Yeah, look, I think trauma is, there's no doubt that we all have experienced some form of trauma in some way, some shape or form and at various levels of trauma in our families and in our life. And I think the key is to not be judgmental about it, but to be curious about it and seek help and seek support to understand. And one of their real keys of moving through parenting and being kind to yourself in that space is just being curious about, oh, what was that response then? And did that remind me of something from my own past? Was there a time as a child when I felt not good enough when my mom kept saying, you need to, I've got an A on my test, and your mom said, well, you should have got an A plus. So things that we kind of keep sort of, and it is unconscious a lot of the time, but the beautiful thing about being a parent, I'm going to say beautiful. The beautiful thing about being a parent is your children are here to help you learn. They're here to help you learn about that stuff. We are not just growing children, we're actually growing ourselves as well. And it can feel really uncomfortable, but it's also really beautiful.

Kate Mason (17:30):

And are we growing that inner child within us?

Lisa Taylor (17:33):

Yeah, definitely. And giving that in a child what she needs. If there's times when you are not feeling listened to or not feeling heard, then being really curious about flipping that onto yourself, am I actually listening to what I need? How am I nurturing this little girl or this little boy within me? What does he need right now? And how could I respond in a way that is really loving to myself? Because parenting's a really hard gig and weaning to be really kind to ourselves.

Kate Mason (18:09):

It is. And do you think that people find it difficult to be kind about themselves and their parenting? I know that I did have a friend of mine who said, oh, my children put me down. They're putting me down all the time. And I said to her, well, what do you say to them? And she was constantly saying, oh, I know mommy's been a bad mommy to you. Or her conversation was so negative about herself, her children were just reinforcing, they were just handing it back to her because she was speaking poorly about herself. And when she changed her conversation around, it stopped happening. And a lot of the time, I think that we don't praise ourselves enough. I tell my kids, I've done a great job, but we don't actually praise ourselves and give ourselves a credit for what we're doing.

Lisa Taylor (18:55):

Yeah, I love that story. And I think you're right. And the thing about being human is we're not perfect. We have all of these things that come in and we have this huge busy mind that tells us all the time, the things that we're doing right or wrong, mostly wrong. It's always looking for the negative. So it's really important to really acknowledge that it is tricky work, and it is a lifetime of tricky work because even with teenagers, as they get more independent, there's just different things that come up for you and different things that you're Sean. I think if you don't deal with some of the stuff that you feel coming up and you'll feel it because you'll know that that's not who you want to be, then it's time to sort of just reflect on, oh, is that something from my child? And you'll know because it kind of goes against your own intuition. It goes against how you thought you might parent. I dunno about you, but when I had my children, I was like, right, I'm going to do this, and they're going to be the best. They're going to be all these things. And they are beautiful humans,

Kate Mason (20:19):

But they're different.

Lisa Taylor (20:19):

Yeah, they're different.

Kate Mason (20:20):

You might

Lisa Taylor (20:21):

Have thought the outcome. And has it been a perfect ride? Certainly not. No. But gee, I've learned a lot. Yeah,

Kate Mason (20:27):

Absolutely. And I've learned a lot even in just the last couple of years of learning about what went on in your childhood and how that does affect your parenting. I never really thought about that. And also your relationship with your partner. In fact, it does affect a whole lot of things. So for the person listening to us right now that perhaps can't get to a psychologist or can't see anyone to delve into that type of thing, is there any recommended reading or is your parenting model a great way of working with it? Because you've got a three C parenting model that I'd love you to tell us about?

Lisa Taylor (21:04):

Yeah, look, there's so much out there, and I think the real key is to, it's not so much about the doing. I mean, years ago there was so many parenting books about what to do, how to get your toddler to be toilet trained, and how to do this and do that. It's not so much about the doing that we're talking about. This is about who are you being? And so the model that I mostly use is, well, not mostly the model that I use really in my therapy room and with all the parents that I work with. It is sort of three Cs. The first one is courage. And courage is all about having the courage to not be perfect, having the courage to know that you're going to stuff it up. Having the courage to say, you know what, mommy didn't handle that very well today and I apologize for yelling. How can we repair this? What do you need right now? Having the courage to look internally and be curious about what that stuff is, what is that triggers me? What's the yelling when I've yelled at my child for something, not really, like I've lost the plot. What is that about for me? Not so much thinking about the child. And I think that the courage to grow yourself in this parenting space,

Kate Mason (22:33):

And I think with courage too, is that when you have lost the plot with that child, it's not all over. I think many people are scared to discipline or scared to lose a plot or whatever in the worry that their child is going to remember it. But like you say, if you can come back in and go, Hey, that wasn't the right behavior, et cetera, they're forgiving. They love you. All they want is that connection with you. Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. So true.

Lisa Taylor (22:59):

Yeah.

Kate Mason (23:00):

Sorry, go on.

Lisa Taylor (23:01):

No, I love it. I love it. You just reminded me of something though, that a mom that I was working with whose son was coming home and he was being really quite, really angry and at times quite lashing out at her and hitting her. And we had been doing some work on what that brought up in her and that for her, that brought up this notion of her own childhood of not being good enough and being put down and always never being enough. And so what she felt when we unpacked it, what she felt when her son was sort of yelling at her and lashing out was she reacted in a way that the little girl inside her reacted. And that was to shut down and completely disconnect from him. And he would just lean in even more, just wanting more and more connection. And so the work with her was about leaning in.

(24:02):

And that kind of brings us to the next one, which is connection. So leaning in and connecting in with him and saying, I can see that this is really hard for you. I've, you're doing a great job. Let it out. Let it out. And just sitting with him in the mess of whatever was happening for him. And there was lots of big emotions. So connection is that next space of really being able to think about, number one, connection with yourself. So how do you connect with yourself? How are you nurturing the beautiful little person that's within you? And what does connection look like for you and your family?

(24:50):

What does connection look like when someone's having a really off day and they come home? Do we all react to the off day and kind of give them a wide berth or do we lean in and connect in and get them to almost plug into our hearts and say, Hey, how are your day? And so connection is one of those things that I just think is the cornerstone of everything that we do as humans, we're wired for connection. We are built to connect in, and social media and screens, unfortunately are giving connection, but not in a way that we need it. And there's been a huge amount of studies done recently on the brain of children up to three years of age and just showing that really big need for connection and how our brains are changing now because we are not getting that eye contact. And simple things like connecting with facial expressions and cuddles and kisses and play and all of those things that are really important to child development.

Kate Mason (26:01):

And I love the film clips they're bringing out on that too, because they're showing those differences. And it's very obvious. And my daughter's pregnant, and I keep saying to her, now, when you're breastfeeding, do not look at your phone looking down at that baby when that baby's looking up at you is a connection. There's so many ways that young mothers are disconnecting with phones from their children, but that's another whole topic that you and I know we could talk about that for age another time. That's right. We could we'll get onto that another time. So

Lisa Taylor (26:32):

What's the third thing

Kate Mason (26:33):

In your

Lisa Taylor (26:34):

Parenting model? The third thing is curiosity. So approaching everything with the open mind of curiosity. So when a lot of parents say, oh, I don't get why my children are really good at school, the teacher says they're perfect for them and they come home the minute they get in the car or walk in the door, they're like feral. They're yelling at me. They lose it. It's full on big behaviors, big emotions. And instead of just reacting to that, really being curious about what this child's need is. So the beautiful thing about behavior is that it just tells us that this child has a need. It's information, like behavior is amazing. It's just giving us information that there is something a bit off or something not quite right for this child right now. And being curious about what they need rather than judging, oh, they're being

Kate Mason (27:36):

Rude.

Lisa Taylor (27:36):

Yeah, horrible being a little brat today or whatever. But really thinking about, okay, this child's need right now. And the other thing that does, if we are curious about the other, then we are not focused on what our reactions are. So it's kind of twofold here. So being curious about what's happening for the child and what they need and asking, I can see your face is really red and you seem really upset right now. How can I help you? What do you need? Or I'm wondering if you've had a really hard day today, or I'm wondering if there's something I can help you with, what would make you better right now? And often it's connection. If we cut out the tide, hungry, thirsty stuff, often it, they're looking for connection. They're looking for connection to be able to understand what's happened today or understand some of the things that they might have experienced at school that you or I might just go, oh, that's just that person was tired, so they didn't speak to me. Where a child might interpret that as my friend's not being kind to me or my being mean. And so the brain is trying to understand and trying to work things out that have happened, but of course, children don't have the same developmental prefrontal cortex that we do,

Kate Mason (29:09):

And so they can't work it out for themselves. I love that. And in fact, all of those three things we can use in every aspect of our personal life and our friendship life is just asking those questions and remembering not to say, well, you didn't hear what happened to me today then. Exactly. You think that was bad? Oh my goodness. So they're very, very important things. So what's one little shift that a parent might be able to make just today to show up differently for their kids?

Lisa Taylor (29:44):

So I think just to be curious, just to actually take a step back and take a breath. So there's kind of this pause, reset, and reenter kind of the conversation or the situation. So pause and just be curious about what you're seeing in front of you, and just wondering and maybe even asking, what did I need at that age when I was five and I came home from school? What might I have needed as a child?

Kate Mason (30:17):

Good idea. Great idea. Wow. Now listen, you're writing a book about all of this, so what are you hoping the parents that are reading your book will be able to take away from it?

Lisa Taylor (30:29):

I am writing a book. I'm so excited about it. What I'm really hoping is that I hope that it gives parents hope. I really hope that parents read it and understand that they actually themselves are just the most exquisite human doing a really tough job. And I want them to know that they're not alone in that, that there's a guide on how to think, how to feel, what to do, and really, I suppose in the end, be loving to themselves and loving and kind to their children. So I really hope, I really want parents to feel hopeful that they can be the parents that they really want to be. And there's a beautiful quote by Maya Angelou where she talks about success. And my definition for parenting success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it. And I think if we can have all of those things and be successful, the relationships that we have will be deeper and stronger and just beautiful.

Kate Mason (31:47):

I agree. I think looking after yourself first, if you are happy, then you're going to make the rest of your family pretty happy too. So now how could our listener contact you if they'd really like to get in touch?

Lisa Taylor (31:59):

Yep. So yeah, my website, so Strengthening Families Australia, and I'm an Instagram, so strengthening families and Facebook, LinkedIn, all the socials. Then I'd love for people to reach out. Feel free to send me an email or contact me through the website or,

Kate Mason (32:20):

Yeah, that'd be fabulous. Now, just quickly then, when are you expecting your book out and what's it called?

Lisa Taylor (32:26):

The end of this year? I, I'm just talking with a publisher at the moment, so we're just talking dates and things. I haven't got a name for it yet, but there's a couple that are tossed around. But yeah,

Kate Mason (32:38):

Well, okay, because we'll get you back on when that book is brought out so that everyone listening can get onto that as soon as possible. Thank you so much for joining us today. Honestly, your insights are amazing, and like you say, if we as a parent look after ourselves, then we are able to look after other people, and it's really important to find out. So thank you.

Lisa Taylor (33:03):

Thank you so much. I just love what you're doing too, Kate, thank you so much.

Kate Mason (33:07):

Oh, thanks, Lisa. It's great talking to you. See you soon.

Lisa Taylor (33:10):

Bye.

Kate Mason (33:22):

After this conversation today, I actually feel genuinely really thoughtful, like I've been gently nudged to look inward and ask some really big important questions. Lisa has such a calming, reassuring way of helping us to see that parenting isn't just about managing our kids, it's about understanding ourselves. And it made me realize, and hopefully you too, how much our past can quietly shape our present and how powerful it is when you start noticing those patterns with compassion, not criticism. I hope today's podcast has really given you something to think about and maybe even a new way of looking at yourself and your parenting. Remember, you're not just raising your child, you're growing yourself too. So be kind to both of you and next time you're triggered, ask yourself, am I reacting to my child or something from my childhood? Get curious. Instead of judging a behavior yours or your child's, try asking, what's really going on underneath this?

(34:19):

Do they or I need something right now? And be kind to yourself. Parenting's tough. You are learning too. Take a moment to acknowledge the beautiful work that you do. Even on those really messy days, self-love begins with you, and it'll be reflected by you and your relationships and every part of your life. Thank you for listening to Parenting and Personalities. If you enjoyed this episode, we'd love it if you could leave a rating and a review that would help others learn about this podcast. If you are interested in discovering more about you and your family's personality types, you'll find my book, who Is this Monster or Treasure in My House, Booktopia or Amazon? And if you have an episode idea, please send a note to the personality coach@gmail.com. Many thanks to our producers at Stories and Strategies, and we'll see you next time.