“Sweet-Fire” - The Podcast
How to survive the flame when what attracts you burns
“Sweet-Fire” - The Podcast
“Heaven Has My Back” PT. 11 “Understanding The Unspoken”
Pain doesn’t just speak through shouting; it also speaks through silence. We dive into the quiet rules that govern families—unspoken expectations that demand women be endlessly available and men be unbreakable providers—and how those pressures turn love into performance and resentment. Through raw personal stories, we trace how unmet needs harden into contempt, how emotions become a force that drives the “get back game,” and how confronting the truth with compassion can stop generational pain from becoming a generational curse.
You’ll hear how a daughter’s hurt toward her absent father evolved into healing once she recognized his own unspoken trauma. That shift didn’t excuse harm, but it reframed the story: imperfect people often parent from unhealed places. From there we build practical and spiritual tools to restore trust—listening for what isn’t said, using simple “I” statements, replacing unrealistic standards with clear agreements, and honoring parents while setting firm boundaries. We talk about slowing the tongue, training the ear, and letting faith anchor purpose when our plans only multiply conflict.
If you’re tired of mind-reading, walking on eggshells, or replaying old fights, this conversation offers language and steps to move forward. Communicate before emotions decide for you. Choose maturity over momentum. Protect your peace without silencing your needs. Subscribe for more conversations that blend real-life stories with tools you can use today, share this episode with someone who needs it, and leave a review to tell us the first hard conversation you’ll start this week.
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Hidden expectations crush women. Man up myths silence men.
SPEAKER_02:I mean, women are expected to always be there, always be present, always be available in every situation.
SPEAKER_00:And while on the other hand, men are always expected to provide, always expected to protect. And so today we are sharing uh some information, some vital information on what it is to understand the unspoken. Understanding the unspoken. I am your host, Dr. Lydia Michelle Young. I'm here with my co-host, Intercessor Janine Nicole.
SPEAKER_02:Today is Wednesday, midweek, middle of the week, Wednesday, refreshing fire. Thank you so much for tuning in to Sweet Fire the Podcast.
SPEAKER_00:And uh, we're we're just looking forward to what this session is going to bring. Come on, Intercessor.
SPEAKER_02:Jump in. Good evening, uh, everyone. God bless you all. Um hidden expectations. Give me the title here. Understanding the unspoken. Understanding the unspoken. And it's oftentimes the unspoken things that tear families apart. You know, a devastate relationship causes, you know, um, causes issues, really, causes issues. It's those unspoken things that can really tear a person apart, can really bring division into a relationship, you know, that can really bring division, not just you know, intimate relationships, but can bring divisions in the workplace, can bring divisions in ministries, those unspoken things. So definitely looking forward to jumping into it on this evening.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00:Uh, those unspoken uh ideas, those unspoken feelings, those those unspoken pains, those things that are unspoken, hidden expectations.
SPEAKER_02:Um, so they're they're human expectations. Some are real, some are uh uh unrealistic, some are realistic, some are unrealistic. I want to tell share a little story. Uh, this is a life experience for me. As a young girl, I had a uh expectation of my father. Uh, that expectation, uh, I expected him to love me. I expected him uh to believe in me. I expected him to be there for me. I expected him to protect me. I expected him to be kind to me. I expected him just to be interested in me because why I'm his little girl, I'm his daughter. But those expectations went unmet. They went unmet. And so because they it was that he needed to man up, he needed to father up, he needed to be that father uh in my life. Um, and and so because the unexpected unexpected expectations, excuse me, were unmet, the things that I did not communicate, the things that I did not share with him, or how I felt, or what I wanted from him, what I needed, what I desired from my father, um, you know, it it angered me inside. So instead of me saying man up, I I would call him a punk. And that angered him. Um, it probably hurt him. Right. But my see, I I I called him a punk because I wanted my pain to cause him pain. I wanted what I was feeling. I wanted him to feel some pain. Um, and you know, as I grew up and I got older, and I'm gonna jump to this, but when I grew up, I got older, I realized that he was hurt, a hurt man. My father was a broken man. He was a funny man, he was handsome, he was creative, uh, very skilled, very tactful. Um, but he was hurt in his childhood. So we talk about childhood trauma, right? But when I called him a punk, it angered him. Um, as I grew up, as I began to grow um and release him, I began to really love him. I loved him, but all that unspoken expectation, all those expectations that were hidden, because I didn't uh I didn't know how to communicate them. I expected him just to know, hey, you're my father. This is what I need. So this is what you should be giving me. It went unspoken. Um, but I began to love him. I was able to release him in spite of uh what the feelings that I had, healing happened. It took years, but healing happened. You you have something? Oh, absolutely. That's a relatable experience that you're sharing, you know, because let's just face it, especially here in our Western culture, you know, a lot of us have, you know, we grew up in single-parent homes. And who was that absent parent? It was the male figure, it was the father figure, was not in the home. So I know I'm not the only one who could totally relate to your experience right now. Um, because my father, you know, if it's no secret, you know, uh many know, was not available, was not there, right? But, you know, any father issues, you know, the world uh calls them daddy issues, right? Any of those issues that I may have had growing up, you know, God delivered me from that back in 1995. I can remember the story, you know, very clear. The Lord delivered me from that. And, you know, with that deliverance, with me being open and receptive to receive that deliverance, you know, from my you know, absent father, God shared something with me uh some years ago, you know, and I believe this is gonna help somebody here on this evening. Our parents do the best that they know how to do. Right. I'm gonna share that again. Our parents do the best that they know how to do. And when we say parents, we're talking about those who really invest their time in their children, not those who just, you know, uh uh having babies to be having babies, but those who are actually parenting their child, right? The parents they do the best that they know how to do, doctor. There's only one perfect parent. There's only one perfect parent, right? So, you know, taking that into consideration, and I believe that's you know, uh how you were able to heal from the issues that you had with your father, because the Lord ministered to you that your father was a broken man. He was a broken man who birthed children into this world. And just because he birthed children into this world, it didn't mean, you know, that having the children was going to heal him from his unspoken issues, right? You know, because our parents, I mean, they're imperfect human beings. They could they they birth children into the world, you know, uh uh from from experiences that they had. And many of them, you know, they have yet to talk about those experiences and they become unspoken issues, right? But yet they're there and they're parenting their child the best way that they know how they're parenting from a place of pain. You know, and that pain, unfortunately, being unresolved and unspoken, what turn what turns out you know to happen? They become curses, right? Generational curses that carry on generationally because of the unspoken issues, the unresolved issues.
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely, unresolved, unspoken, um, hidden expectations. So, what do hidden expectations cause? They cause emotion to build up in a person.
SPEAKER_02:When we look at the root word emotion, it really means to move out or to stir up. So those feelings on the inside uh are a force, they become a force, and and that person will take action. Me and my father, we fought like with weapons, like we name calling, you know. We later, you know, we shared love, but it wasn't what I expected. I wanted more. Um and so emotions are a force, they cause a person to act upon how they feel. It's it there's a it's to move out, to stir up emotions. Internal movement, emotions move through a person, they move through a person. So, you know, when we talk about internal movement, there's agitation, uh, there's anxiety, there's frustration, there's fear. Uh, all of these things take place. Um impulse, we're not thinking clearly, right? Right. We fail to communicate how we feel.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_02:Uh, and it makes it difficult uh for, you know, we're talking about now, let's let's look at look at my father. If his situation was how he grew up, and then my relationship with my father, you know, I have siblings, uh, it made it difficult for him because he needed to listen to this, he needed to man up, right? It silenced him, it made it difficult for him because he wasn't living the standard, he wasn't living the part. It made it difficult for him to even express how he felt or talk about his feelings, right? Come on, yeah, uh uh unrealistic expectations that that is so key, right there. Those unrealistic expectations, what they bring into relationships, right? Those unrealistic expectations, what they bring into relationships, oftentimes it's such devastation, it's such pain, it's such separation. How you know how do we respond to un how do we respond to those unrealistic expectations? How do we respond to that? You know, we got to we have to get to a place to where we stop putting so much pressure on another person that we stop putting so much pressure on imperfect people, imperfect people with you know with with issues, imperfect people who are out here living the same life that we are out here living, you know, imperfect people who have those unresolved, unspoken issues. You know, who's going to who's going to who's going to uh uh stand up in the relationships? Who's gonna stand up in the relationships and take that key role to start the healing process, to say, you know what? I've held some unrealistic expectations on you, you know, and there's something that's keeping us divided, that's keeping us separated. Do you want to come together? Do you want us to unite together and become one, become unified? Do you know how many families? How many families you know would would heal, be made whole if this was to happen? Who's gonna stand up?
SPEAKER_00:Who's gonna stand up? Who's gonna stand up? My goodness. Oh my goodness. And so unrealistic expectations.
SPEAKER_02:Um, and what happens is most people um never communicate or express, you know, what I what I believed, you know, or what I thought, or what I felt. I didn't talk about. Right. Neither did I. I I I acted upon it. Right. I acted upon what I thought. Same thing. Right. I acted upon what my mind. These emotions in here, I mean, they really affect the mind. Yes. There's a lot of mental illness because of the emotion. Yeah, the stirring on the inside, the agitation affects the mind. A lot of a lot of uh mental difficulty thinking through, being effective in communication. It's not, it's it's it's important also. I like Judge Judy. I like Judge Judy. Just Judy says, God gave you two years and one mouth for reason. So you can listen more and speak less. Right. I have to learn that. Be slow to speak, right? Be slow to speak, communicate, but do we listen to one another? Do we listen with to the unspoken? Do we understand the unspoken? Do we listen to what's not being spoken? Are we do we have a spirit of discernment? Are we sensing? Do we do we have a word of knowledge? Do we have clarity? Do we have revelation? Are we, you know, operating with insight to actually be able to see what that emotion that that that's working through that person is actually saying without them saying it with their own mouth? Right. Are we being sensitive to one another? Are we being sensitive to one another? You know, because it's it's so much selfishness. You know, people get so wrapped up and involved in how they feel, in how, you know, that person made them feel. And don't get me wrong, you know, uh I that was once me. You know, I had to get to a place to where it's like, you know what? It's not all about me. It's not all about me. I had to start doing some looking within. You know, I had to heal. There, there's a uh a worship song from a very uh popular uh worship leader that I love, William McDowell. Uh songs of uh song of intercession. And a part in that song says, the change that I want to see must first begin in me. I surrender. I had to get to that place. You know, I want to see change in the world, I want to see change in my family, I want to see change in my relationships, but guess what? I had to I had to change first. You know what I'm saying? If it's to be, it's up to me. It's up to me. If it's to be, it's up to me. It's up to me. I have those unrealistic expectations, you know, with my father, with so many. And I had to get, you know, uh uh to a place of of uh just me and the Lord and pouring myself out to him, you know, releasing those unrealistic expectations, you know, and and and and and I had to just surrender myself to God and and and receive his healing so that I can grow up. So that I can because real realistically, realistically, those unrealistic expectations are coming from a place of immaturity. We have to grow up, we have to grow up and stop putting so much pressure on imperfect human beings. We will be disappointed every single time.
SPEAKER_00:Every time, every time. My goodness. And so uh what we deal with on the inside, we lash out, right? It's the force within us, and we want it to stink. We want it to stink, yeah. Yeah, um, we want to hurt that person because uh how we feel, right?
SPEAKER_02:Because we're hurt, right? So that's why it's so important, people, to communicate. Because communication, effective communication, being assertive helps to build that relationship. Man, it helps to build that relationship, it helps to solve the problem in the relationship when we communicate. There's a scripture, Proverbs 19, 21. It says, many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Amen. And so instead of me making plans to, you know, I didn't really know any better, I was just hurt. Uh, my plan was to make it sing, my plan was to cause pain, my plan was to fight back, my plan was to, you know, the get back game. Yeah, yeah, the get back game. That was my plan, right? I have many plans in my mind, but the purpose of the Lord is what stands. Amen. And if we could put all of our weight, if we can put all of our trust, if we can put all of our confidence in the purpose, my God. So I was born, my my father was meant to be my father. That was God's purpose. Right. His purpose, oh my goodness, my lord. You said a mouthful right there. Uh-huh. Come on. Yeah. You said a mouthful. Because that if more people would realize that, right? Our parents are not, they're not our parents by accident. God intentionally positioned our parents into our lives to be our parents. Our parents are not an accident. The word accident doesn't even exist within the kingdom of heaven. Our parents are intentionally our parents. If our parents have not, you know, lived up to their duty, to what God has entrusted them, you know, to do as far as being our parents, that's between them and God. We have to release our parents and give them back over to the Lord. It doesn't give us the right to disrespect them, it does not give us the right to do wrong by them. You know, they are imperfect human beings doing the best that they know how to do. We are to honor our parents. And we, yes, me and my father, you know, our relationship is a difficult, strain relationship, but you will never hear me disrespect my father. Why? Because he is my father. I love him, and all I can do is to continue to pray for him and love him from a distance, but I will not disrespect him because that's who God placed in my life to be my father. Right, right, then if I have known then, right, my Lord, what I know now. If I could take back the behavior, uh, the words, my actions, those emotions that I allowed to force themselves through me, I would. But I I'm so thankful for grace, I'm thankful for forgiveness. You know, God, I released my father and God released me. Amen. And I'm really grateful today if you are having uh relational issues. Are you struggling with your parent? Are you struggling with your child? Are you struggling with a sibling? Are you struggling in your marriage? Communicate. Learn to be assertive, express how you feel without yelling, without going off, without fighting, without throwing blows. Let God master, uh master your relationship. He should be first and center in all relationships. All relationships, anyway, should be a God perspective. Amen. Every relationship should be a God perspective. Your relationship with your children should oh my God, should be God perspective. My God, relationship, all relationships should be God perspective. Learn to communicate, ask God, pray, cry out to Him. Do what's necessary to turn the situation around in your relationships so that God can build, restore, renew, redo. Oh my God, what it is that He's planned to do in your life. You have anything else as we close? Yes, as we close, let it go. Let it go, let it go, let it go. You know, this is again what I had to do. I had to let it go. I had to let the unrealistic expectations go. I had to let all the ungodly, unhealthy emotions that those unrealistic expectations birthed in me. I had to let all that junk go. I had to do it for me. My healing became, I became so passionate for my healing. My healing began to mean everything to me. My peace began to mean more to me than holding on to those ungodly emotions. I had to stop playing the get back game. I have to stop being disrespectful. I have to stop, you know, pointing my fingers at everybody else. And I had to make a conscious decision to get myself together with the Lord, work out my own soul's salvation. Let it go, people of God. It's not worth it. Let them go. And yes, this is not going to be, you know, uh something that happens overnight. You we we have to walk this thing out, you know, because let's face it, we are in this imperfect world, this fallen world dealing with imperfect people. And guess what? We're imperfect too. So there's going to be those challenges. There's going to be those challenges, but we have to learn to let stuff go. Stop holding on to the weight. Let it go, let it go, let it go. Love you too much to hold on to the unrealistic expectations.
SPEAKER_00:That's it right there. And as always, uh protect your peace.
SPEAKER_02:I prophesy peace to you, every ear listening uh to this session, to this podcast. I prophesy peace to you. Peace be to you, peace be to your house, and peace be to all of you.
