Episode 2: Are We Dating The Same Guy?

In this episode of Love Liaisons, we dive into the world of the popular and scandalous Facebook group called "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" which offers real world red flag detection by an audience of online Nancy Drews.  Similar to the entertaining radio show War of the Roses, Are We Dating the Same Guy exposes cheaters and players in a world of loyal expectations.  But is it too much? Is this online sleuthing damaging reputations and causing more harm than good?  We'll let you decide after Kathryn and Marina offer their differing perspectives and experiences on such dating disasters.

Let us know your experiences and opinions. We'd love to hear from you.

Follow Love Liaisons on Facebook 

IG @marinaismindful

Follow us on FB @Love Liaisons, IG @loveliaisons, TikTok @love.liaisons

www.love-liaisons.com

For more information about relationship and mindful life coaching  or speaking engagements contact Marina at marinaismindful@gmail.com

Transcript

Kathryn 0:06

Welcome to Love Liaisons, the ultimate deep dive into the highs, lows, and hilarities of modern relationships. I'm Kathryn

Marina 0:16

And I'm Marina, and we are your love liaisons. So pour yourself a nice glass of wine.

Kathryn 0:23

or hot, cup of tea, and let's dive in.

Marina 0:29

So speaking of tea, I'm curious, what are you drinking right now, Kathryn?

Kathryn 0:35

I am drinking a ginger turmeric tea. It's very healthy, very good. Not for everyone, but I drink different kinds of teas, but that's what I'm drinking right now. What about you, Marina? What do you have there?

Marina 0:46

I'm having a beautiful Spanish wine from the Ribeira del Duero region, and I think it goes very nice with our topic today, Today, we'll be spilling the tea and talking about, are we dating the same guy phenomena groups on Facebook? Okay,

Kathryn 1:06

I'm excited to talk about this for all kinds of different reasons. so let's, let's dive in. So basically these, groups are like real world War of the Roses, you know, that radio show where skeptical lovers call in and test their partner's loyalty.

Marina 1:23

Yeah, yeah. And actually it was kind of funny because I found out that we're both fans of the War of the Roses show with Yeah, yeah, so for people that haven't heard about it like Katheryn said, skeptical lovers call in to have the radio host play a trick on their supposed partner, by telling them they've won a dozen romantic red roses from some local flower shop for a promotion. And they ask who they're going to send them to and what love note is attached. So, if the unsuspecting partner falls for it and gives the name and a love message for a person other than the caller, their partner, then they're in trouble and all hell breaks loose.

Kathryn 2:07

Yes, I always used to listen to that driving to work and it was like never fail. the majority of the time I would say 75 percent of them didn't go the way that they were hoping.

Marina 2:18

I love listening to it. I would even listen to it with my son. And then we would always look at each other like, do you think they're cheating or not? And, really I thought it was even more, like eight or nine out of 10 times. If the caller suspected their partner is cheating or seeing somebody else, they actually are. And, the show's been on the radio for, years and, it was actually suspected not to be a real reality show, but scripted for entertainment purposes. But, the real quest to find out if your partner is cheating. actually does exist on Facebook in groups called, are we dating the same guy? And if you're familiar with it, it's in cities across the country.

Kathryn 2:57

I have.

Marina 3:00

what about you, Katheryn? have you heard of this group? Have you been part of it?

Kathryn 3:04

I recently heard about it. a little over a year ago. My sister had mentioned it and said, Oh my gosh, you're in the dark ages, girl. I just never knew about it. so I got on it and wow, I was amazed on how much content was in there and just posting pictures of men saying don't date him. This happened and this and it really supports women. But there's pros and cons, right? Which we're going to get into. Wow. Wow,

Marina 3:52

about them and, even in other cities try to sue women in the group for defamation. I feel like with this group, instead of a dozen red roses, like war of the roses, this Facebook group offers a dozen red flags. And, to me, the way I think that this. Are we dating the same guy? Facebook group. It's kind of like part neighborhood watch for like real, violent offenders out there. there are guys that are really, creepy out there and part women's FBI to catch cheaters. luckily, Katheryn and I have never dated the same guy and probably never will, we kind of have different tastes. but I've had situations where I have, dated the same guy, as somebody else. And I came to find out that person was dating others. And while I never posted on this group, I actually ended up telling the woman, Herself. so there were two situations where I actually did tell the woman, one time, I found out that, an ex boyfriend of mine had a new girlfriend and he actually had another long distance girlfriend and I actually told her, I found her and I wrote to her and let her know Hey, you just have to know that he's, actually living with somebody. He's driving her car. He's all over, San Diego with this new woman. And, think you think you're still in a relationship with him. And, sometimes people would wonder should you tell somebody or not? It's rare that I ever do. And this time, this was years ago, I did. You know what, this lady actually some months later, Sent me a thank you letter

Kathryn 5:35

that's amazing.

Marina 5:36

yeah, I actually still have the letter. she sent it to me, through Facebook Messenger, she wrote Marina, I hope all is well with you. I had some reflection over this year and I would like to thank you for contacting me and saving me from wasting my time. Things are going well with me and my son. I had to take a moment to show some respect to you and what you did and how miserable I would have been if I stayed. There are many people that would not do this. so I'd like to at least say thank you the right way. I was, actually shocked that. She took it the right way.

Kathryn 6:13

you know, we're both Libras, but I'm going to play devil's advocate. I think definitely you need to tell, but at the same time, we don't know what's going on in someone's life. We don't know if someone has an open relationship. We don't know if they're just private and don't want to even share it with their closest friends. So it's a catch 22, like Pandora's box. there's, pros and cons with things like, are we dating the same guy, social media groups, or do I tell this person, or should I just back off, if it's something where the person is really being harmed, absolutely 100%, maybe even authorities get involved, if she's a person that just can't seem to help herself, yes, we need to stick together, this brings back together. so many things, you know, me too movement, there's pros and cons. It also could be very damaging to a relationship, embarrassing. So it's one of those things where you have to ask yourself, What are the pros and cons and how much do I want to be involved with the so called drama? if that's the word you want to use, right?

Marina 7:09

yeah, and so that's, something to really consider. Do you want to get involved in this drama? And what is in it for you? I gave one example. There's been other times where I've found things. this is something that you, find a lot on the Facebook group. a woman will post like, Oh my gosh, I found a lipstick. I found a necklace, a charm. I found somebody's underwear. I found something that doesn't belong to me. That's in this

Kathryn 7:34

I

Marina 7:35

car. And she takes a picture of it. Like, whose underwear does this belong to? And

Kathryn 7:40

don't get that. I don't get if you're posting on social media, should I still date this guy? I want to be respectful here, because maybe some people just don't know some people are gullible. I used to be that person, maybe I still am. But I mean, if you see lipstick, and it's like a Lancome, lipstick, not a Hello Kitty lipstick that might belong to his daughter it's, legitimate of a woman, you shouldn't even have to post Do not pass go, do not date and block and delete. Like if you have to post, should I date this guy? What are your thoughts? You need to start looking in the mirror a little bit more and maybe working on yourself a little bit more, just like we all have. We've all been in these situations one way or another, but I think it goes back to looking in the mirror and saying, wait a minute, I already have all the answers. Maybe I'm just posting this because I just want to get, people to say to me, yes, don't date him anymore. So that way you don't second guess yourself, but you, have all the answers. All the red flags are there.

Marina 8:34

Well, and for some women, I feel like they really, feel like they're not getting the answers from the men. Because clearly they'll say, I asked him, or maybe I'm afraid to ask him, yeah, they want to get answers from the community of women and they're not at a place where they could really look deeply and say, Hey, I see what I see. it's like, they want some more confirmation about this.

Kathryn 9:04

And usually rule of thumb, women that are like this. And like I said, I've been down this road and it's taken me many years, many, failed relationships, many, listening to my friends and what they go through on dating. So a lot of education throughout the years, to get to where I am. This isn't something that happens. overnight. You have to gain the skills. You need the communicative, the whatever. I wish there was a course, that could teach you how to date. What are the red flags to look for?

Marina 9:30

right,

Kathryn 9:31

but the bottom line is, it always goes back to the buck stops here.

Marina 9:35

right,

Kathryn 9:35

you need constant confirmation. Like if it happens one time, fine. If happens a second time, a third time, guess what? If it walks like a duck. And quacks like a duck. It's a duck. It's just that's the way it is people aren't going to change unless they look in the mirror and say hey I need to make a change for myself.

Marina 9:54

Yeah. Well, and you know what? It's sometimes people just. want to know more. And

Kathryn 10:03

the affirmation So bad

Marina 10:21

found out that, this guy that I. was dating years ago. It was, it was kind of while we were breaking up, that he actually had a whole other girlfriend, during part of the time we were dating. I found out because this lady popped up on his mom's Facebook page. it was really easy to find her. I contacted her. I have to say, my goal was to try to, I was mad at this guy. I wanted to hurt him, but he didn't have a whole lot of feelings as some guys. He was not like a really touchy feely kind of guy. So you know what, I'm going to go for the weaker person here. And I'm sure it would really upset him if I told this lady, plus he ended up. Still trying to come to my house and get back together. And at that point I'd had enough. So I contacted her and I have to say that it upset her so much that she started calling me for emotional support. I mean, I thought I was going to have to charge her for counseling,

Kathryn 11:21

Oh wow,

Marina 11:22

yeah,

Kathryn 11:22

it's good. You want to be a good person and it is a catch 22 the whole do I say something do I not and that really comes down to you got to do what's comfortable with you and stick with it. Don't second guess yourself. You do what's right for you and move on. So that way you don't feel like oh my gosh maybe I should have said something or maybe I shouldn't have said something. Whatever you do own it and move on.

Marina 11:44

And sometimes people can actually have a sense of humor about these things.

Kathryn 11:47

Absolutely.

Marina 11:48

Yeah, I

Kathryn 11:49

Yeah.

Marina 11:53

about it because it was really serious. Even though one woman was, grateful, I told her, but recently I found a woman that I'm an acquaintance with. I know her from dancing and I found out that we dated three of the same guys, but not at the same time. So it's like we had similar tastes, but, one after the other And we actually just found out by accident when she told me Oh, I have a new, boyfriend, blah, blah. And I asked her who she said, Oh, you wouldn't know him. And she said who he was. And I said, Oh, really? I know everything about this guy. And we actually came to find that it was really funny. it was really funny to us because, both of us. have Slavic backgrounds, have like a Russian Ukrainian Slavic backgrounds. And so we were just saying, wow, these guys must really like Slavic girls, you know?

Kathryn 12:43

Yeah, and that's the thing. It's a big joke. Like, I mean, I always made it a joke when I would go to certain events and, look around the room and, a guy friend would come up to me and he says, you see all these women I've already been with them all. And I'm like, well, you shouldn't say it. But the point is, you had to laugh because, the likelihood of in your circle of dating the same guy and or whether it's an app or a religious affiliation or what have you is going to be pretty high, unless you go to a different city or, something like that. I mean, there's only so many eligible, and I'll use that loosely, eligible single men, right? And so, I think you had sent this to me actually, and it's hilarious. I think a lot of people out there know Seinfeld,

Marina 13:24

yeah.

Kathryn 13:25

and there's this whole thing where Elaine asked Seinfeld about dating, and she says, What are you trying to say about dating? And he says, well, 95 percent of the population are undateable, Seinfeld says. And he says, yes. And she says, well, so how are people getting together? And he says, alcohol. So

Marina 13:47

my yeah, wine comes in. Yeah.

Kathryn 13:51

it's so true. It's unfortunate. But the likelihood of your friend possibly at some point in time, dating someone that you've already dated. And so I always said, pick carefully, so it's in your backyard.

Marina 14:07

Yeah.

Kathryn 14:07

yeah, so I had a friend, actually a very, good friend of mine, because I see both sides to this, right? Definitely you want to protect

Marina 14:15

That's,

Kathryn 14:16

Yes, you always want to protect women.

Marina 14:18

of you. You always want to balance it out.

Kathryn 14:21

Absolutely. that's why I started this discussion group years ago is because I wanted to be able to discuss all sides, whether we were talking about abortion or the Middle East or whatever. It's because I really do think there's two sides of almost, every story. Some, absolutely not. But I have a very, dear friend who I grew up with. her mom was very good friends with my mom, and she was engaged to be married, and I was going through a divorce. so I didn't get a chance really to spend time with her fiancé, then I finally got to meet him. And I asked him, why did you select her? and he told me all the wonderful things about her that I already knew. But he mentioned something which I found very interesting. He said he went out to a very lovely high end dinner with this young lady from a dating site, an online dating site, and he had said that she selected the restaurant, and when they get there, long story short, she starts saying, Oh, well, you know, thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking me here. My boyfriend would never take me here.

Marina 15:22

Oh, my God.

Kathryn 15:24

I looked at him like, What? And he said, yes. And he says, you know, I'm looking for a partner, like a life partner, like, what do you mean you have a boyfriend? And she said, well, it's all how you look at it. She says, you know, I'm getting to get to this nice restaurant and you're getting to go out with a lovely young lady, have the pleasure of my company. And so, You know, I hear these stories all the time, so it goes both ways, men be gentlemen, women be ladies, treat people with respect. Right?

Marina 15:56

Yeah. And it just sounds like they were not on the same page, like she was acting like an escort. And yeah, there's services for that, but he was looking for a monogamous partner.

Kathryn 16:09

Absolutely. there's so many stories that we could tell. I think you and I just saw one about this couple that was married, right?

Marina 16:16

Oh yeah. Yeah. That's been all over that. Are we dating the same guy, Facebook page,

Kathryn 16:21

absolutely. I read part of it. I think you did too, correct me if I'm wrong, if I get the story, not accurate, but I believe where somebody had posted and she posted it anonymous. Okay. So for those of you who aren't, familiar with, are we dating the same guy? Basically women post, pictures of men, or something about a man that seems creepy or, just Not okay, not kosher, whatever word you want to use, and they'll explain it. Right, the red flags. And so you can post your name or you can be anonymous. So in this particular situation, the young lady was anonymous and she posts this picture of a man and woman say, Hey, do not date this guy. he's married. He's on his honeymoon, something along those lines. And then the wife or partner. response by saying, Hey, it's defamation of character, blah, blah, blah. we're in a loving relationship. And the responses were so many, so many responses about.

Marina 17:16

Oh, yeah.

Kathryn 17:16

Right.

Marina 17:17

yeah. honestly, it's the comments are where the tea is really at. if you're not there just for the information, then, you're really there for the tea in the comments. it's unclear what was really going on. Like. Why was the wife defending her husband who was being accused by some anonymous member of actually having been in a relationship with her? what was the motivation? did they have a business together? Is she trying to protect his character? we don't know but a lot of people had a lot to say and one of the main themes was why don't these women just talk to each other woman to woman now that they know who they are like I talked about my experiences I knew who the other woman was And so I contacted her in those few cases. A lot of times people post where they have no idea, like, whose lipstick is this? Whose underwear is this? Whose pocketbook is this?

Kathryn 18:11

It's so sad.

Marina 18:12

somebody, in Facebook land, please enlighten me. But now that you know, that's what everybody was saying. Just talk to each other woman to woman and sort it out.

Kathryn 18:23

Well, so this is the thing. There's two sides of this. Maybe he is cheating, and she wants to let this person know, and the wife is in denial. She doesn't want to deal with it. Okay? Or maybe they have an open relationship, and they want it to be private. There's so many scenarios. Maybe he isn't cheating and this is just a woman that wants to be with him, And so she wants to do whatever she can to get rid of the wife so to speak so she can be and so then she's the Psycho, so there's so many scenarios and and it's just I feel like how did we get here Marina?

Marina 18:51

Wow.

Kathryn 18:51

did we get here from back in the day? I'll give you a story about my dad God rest his soul. Love him. He's no longer with us but when I got a divorce and I was ready to date I was only with two men my entire life when I had gotten a divorce and I had never dated in my entire life. And here I am never had dated. I called up my dad because who else am I supposed to call? Right? I love my dad. I respect him. I'm about to go in the dating world. What advice do you have for me? And you're going to laugh when you hear this. Oh, you're going to laugh. Okay. And I might be aging myself here, but my dad says to me, Oh honey, it's really simple. So when you two decide that you want to go out on a date, he comes to your home. He brings you flowers. you go out to dinner, then he drops you off. And if you decide that you both like each other, you, schedule another date. I said, thanks dad. That's really helpful. So I'm sure you're like laughing right now. So I call my dad the next week I said, dad, have you heard of online dating? And he goes, what? And I said, yeah, what you told me that doesn't happen anymore. First of all, you don't know if the guy is psycho. You can't give him your address. Nobody's coming to my door with flowers. Sometimes the guys will even say, okay, you're part of the meal is which. If a guy does that with me, he's definitely not getting a second date. No, I'm not going to go down that road. But I was shocked and my poor dad, I think like his heart skipped a beat. how did we go from that where men were respectful, women were ladies to now the mess that we're in and I hate to even use mess, but. For lack of a better word, how do we get from worrying about our safety and worrying about, is this guy cheating on me to such a high level? Not to say that back in the fifties or whatever, people weren't cheating because they certainly were, but how did it get to this level and why? And how do we have the pendulum go back? Right? What?

Marina 20:48

it sounds like what your dad was describing is from an episode of happy days or something like that, or it makes sense if you're still a teenager living in his house where, you know, the young man's going to come. A knock on the door and, dad's behind you with a baseball bat. If something goes wrong, but now as adult women living on our own and, navigating the whole online dating sphere, which we'll talk about in another episode, there's really little to no vetting. nobody's really coming recommended unless you have somebody introduce you through somebody else. or you use a matchmaker or something. I mean, a lot of the sites that people are on, the reason that they're so popular is they offer return customers. what I heard recently is that the famous dating site, eHarmony

Kathryn 21:39

Yes.

Marina 21:40

business or it's going bankrupt,

Kathryn 21:41

Wow.

Marina 21:42

Sites like Tinder are so popular. You know why eHarmony gets you married and that's it. No return customer, we hope but Tinder gets you laid. Tinder gets you laid with a variety of people. and then you have returned customers. But eHarmony gets you married. so that's, what's going on. the most popular dating sites there's little vetting on there. anybody can post anything about themselves. you gave an example of somebody who used an old picture. I knew somebody who used a picture of not even themselves. It was like a stock image of a person of a totally different ethnic background than themselves.

Kathryn 22:20

Wow.

Marina 22:21

possible to be the same person. I mean, at least posting an old picture of yourself, like you were once that person, you know, at least

Kathryn 22:28

It's scary. It's scary. when we go back to character, personality, morals, values, one of the things about me is I love music. I love movies. And it makes me think this whole, are you dating the same guy phenomenon reminds me of a movie. It was called dirty dancing. Do you remember that movie?

Marina 22:48

Yeah. I love that movie.

Kathryn 22:49

Okay, so I love that movie. I used to work back in the day in a video store, and I watched that movie so many times. It's with Patrick Swayze, God rest his soul, but lots of good songs in that movie. But one that comes to mind is the whole song, You Don't Own Me. I believe it was Leslie Gore who sings it. it's like, you don't own me. I'm not one of your many toys. So don't tell me what to say, and don't tell me what to do. Okay, I won't sing anymore. I won't. Everybody's like, oh my gosh, don't sing. I was thinking maybe this could be a second career. What do you think, Marina? Like, can I sing? No? Yes?

Marina 23:31

yeah, you know, you do have a nice voice. You know, you got a compliment from our last episode of having such a great radio announcer voice

Kathryn 23:39

that's amazing.

Marina 23:40

mine.

Kathryn 23:41

Yes, but that reminds me of I think a lot of men and we're not here to bash men or bash anyone or anything like that. This is just gaining vigilance, gaining insight, all of that. There's two sides to every story sometimes, but I think a lot of this has to do with it's reflective today with groups, like, are we dating the same guys? Some men, want to be in control. They think they can get away with it, right? hopefully what this will also do, not only to help women, maybe give men, like, start thinking okay, how did I get this way? Why am I dating, five women at one time? Why am I lying to all these women? And maybe, it might make them more accountable and say, you know what? I need to make a change. This isn't right. Is this the person that I want to be? Hypothetically, I'm just putting it out there. I'm sugarcoating some Kat love out there, right? You know? So, hello?

Marina 24:38

that song is what came up for you from Dirty Dancing because the thing that stands out for me most from that movie was, the quote, puts baby in a corner. And I think that's actually relevant. To what we're talking about, for women, you know, women are baby and we don't want to be put in a corner. We want to know what's going on in our relationships. And I think that's why these Facebook groups are so popular with women. Because we, want to know, we don't want to be lied to. We don't want to be cheated on. We don't want to be put in a corner in our own relationships. But you've been a really strong proponent of both sides and, and even, and even defending men's relationships, you know, and the men's perspective. I tried to ask a couple of guys to come on our show to interview. I actually asked three people. I got one straight out. No. And then to let me sleep on it or let me think about it. Well, they never woke up, you know,

Kathryn 25:34

They're still sleeping. snoring away.

Marina 25:36

sleeping on it, so here we are.

Kathryn 25:39

Yeah. And it comes back to, we all need to be held accountable. We all need to look in the mirror, ask ourselves, who do we want to be? What do we want to be remembered for? And, it's being good to one another. We need to get back to being good to one another and ourselves. Remember what you said in our introduction episode, episode one, about loving ourselves.

Marina 26:00

Yeah. definitely, And like, kind of going back for a minute, to the men's perspective there was an article that was written in medium like magazine and online by a couple of guys, journalists talking about how this Facebook group. has ruined men's reputations. And even like I mentioned, some people had sued for defamation of character. so I'm curious, like had looked at this medium article, what do you think about it? Because I personally think they ruined their own. And this is definitely generalizing from the extreme of saying some dissatisfied woman was calling out a man and now he's afraid that everybody knows and he's going to be undateable. I think they're being called out because they're not being open. They're not being honest or they're being rude and abusive They are showing these red flags and people are finally calling them out on it and they don't like having their supply of women limited. What do you think?

Kathryn 27:03

I agree with what you're saying, however, some of these women could be lying. And that's where the problem comes into play. Just like, the other side there. Are we dating the same guy? Well, there's a Facebook group for men. are we dating the same woman? I don't know if that's what it's called. We certainly can look into that. Are any listeners out there, maybe you could message us, let us know. But there's one for men as well. this goes back to what I'm saying. We need to be good to one another. I think the main reason why this got started was to help women, to support them so we can stand by women and make sure they're not dating a guy that potentially will be harmful. And when I say harmful, I'm not necessarily talking about like he's going to murder her. I mean, hopefully not. but he might be cheating on her. He might be married. And at the end of the day, you know, if this is what you're doing and you're a man, stop. Just stop it. it's not okay And if you are one of those people that just can't stop There is help out there because you know, would you want someone to do that to you?

Marina 28:05

yeah,

Kathryn 28:05

there are some women out there that are doing this for revenge or for all kinds of or business related reasons or Maybe they want the guy for themselves and that's a whole different topic altogether. these men writing these articles, you mentioned about defamation of character and suing and, this is ruining men's lives. Well, hold on here, guy, whoever you are that's writing this or men that feel this way. If you are that person that is cheating, you're ruining your own life. So don't blame it on other people. Look in the mirror.

Marina 28:35

yeah, yeah. And you know what? Like I said, we weren't able to get any guys as guests on the show, but we'd love to hear from all of you listeners out there. So follow us on Facebook love liaisons and. Send us a message. Tell us what you think. Have you heard of are you dating the same guy? What do you think of the whole phenomena pros and cons and anything you'd like to share with us? Because this whole phenomena of exposing cheaters and sharing information brings up a bigger question that we'll address next time. monogamy a myth?

Kathryn 29:09

that is a juicy topic. it's an antidote to cheating, ethical. Non monogamy.

Marina 29:15

yeah, so next time we'll dive into that. We'll be exploring ethical non monogamy and is it a possible antidote to cheating?

Kathryn 29:25

Okay. Well, that's, I'm excited. I can't wait to hear about that. I don't know much about that. so this is going to be interesting and hopefully, if there's anyone out there that would like to, be on that episode that has some insight on it. We would love to have guests. So I think we're going to stop here. I'm going to take a sip of my ginger turmeric tea.

Marina 29:48

I'm going to have another little sip of my wonderful wine.

Kathryn 29:53

Sounds good. So keep sipping.

Marina 29:56

keep loving.

Kathryn 29:58

Keep laughing

Marina 29:59

Cheers for now.

Kathryn 30:01

from your love liaisons.