The Weight Every Father Carries | Flip That Switch Podcast

In this episode, Me and Dante explored the realities of fatherhood, sharing personal experiences, challenges, and lessons learned. We discussed the importance of presence, patience, and continuous growth as fathers, offering valuable insights for current and aspiring dads.

00:00
Introduction to Fatherhood
03:53
Unexpected Challenges of Parenting
06:54
Fears and Pressures of Fatherhood
09:41
Societal Perception of Fathers
12:59
Lessons from Our Fathers
15:36
The Pressure to Provide
18:53
Navigating Parenting and Personal Growth
29:57
The Balance of Partnership in Parenting
31:25
Learning from Mistakes as a Father
34:27
The Importance of Patience in Parenting
37:41
Navigating Parenting Challenges
41:14
Being a Present Father
44:36
The Consequences of Absentee Fatherhood
49:39
The Joys and Responsibilities of Fatherhood
52:36
Choosing the Right Partner for Parenthood

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

There is a luxury that comes with when you're single you don't have to worry about anybody or anybody else. Like you have the luxury to be complacent and kind of just do what you do on a day-to-day basis. I think when you get married, you have a wife and you have kids, that luxury kinda goes away. 'Cause it is now you gotta get up and get it no matter what. Whatever you do, you have to make sure that you can provide and do all the things that you need to do at as a man. I think there is a lot of pressure with that because if you can't do it, and my kids can't eat, or you know, I can't they don't have a house, like w what do we do next? So I think there is a pressure that that we have that we have to just I don't know if it ever goes away because even now, like I know I'm I live a good life, have a good job, and you know, money's there, I can provide for my family, but what if it stops? And it's always in my head, like always that's at least for me, that's always in my head. I can't, I gotta do it.

SPEAKER_03 1:02

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to another episode of Flip That Switch. I am your host, Brandon, aka B to the Sis Nai, and we're back with another episode. If you want to be a guest on the Flip That Switch podcast, you have a story that you think will resonate with people, please hit me in the comments, or you can DM me on IG at Flip That Switch. Um, one way or the other. Um, just hit me up if you want to be on the show. But today we're gonna be diving into a new episode, and we're gonna be talking about fatherhood because it's Father's Day, you know, so why not do an episode about fatherhood, just asking some questions that, you know, maybe fathers out there want to know or need to know or something that can inspire or help them. And I thought the perfect person to do that with will be my boy Dante, man. Dante is really exemplifying what it is to be a father, man. I've hung out with him, his family a couple times. I see him on IG, um, and he is definitely a good father to his kids. Um, he's present, uh, he's playful with them, he interacts with them. He, you know, he's just basically a great father from my point of view. Um, and so I was like, man, let me get somebody on here that I know is out here being the example um for what it looks like to be a father. So without further ado, I'd like to welcome Dante to the show. What's up, man?

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Appreciate that, Brandon, man. Right back at you though, man. So, like I said, we've been hanging out with your family and everything. So just seeing you present, being your kids' life and and doing what you need to do, uh, so it's it's very mutual, right back at you, man.

SPEAKER_03 2:32

No, I appreciate that. And and thanks for coming on, definitely appreciate your time as well. Um, what is something about fatherhood that no one prepared you for? Hmm.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

No one prepared me for. It's a great question. Um I think for me it's just I don't know if I've ever been prepared for the question or not, but uh, or or for this, but it's just seeing one, like my daughter and my son, their how how much like their personalities are and what that looks like. Um I uh my daughter has these like crazy, she's very like high energy, big personality, and she's only two, but she has just like you know, she'll get at you and like roll her eyes and do all that stuff. So no one prepared me for for that level of of sass that she has just yet. Um you know obviously they grow up fast and all that stuff when people tell you, but it's just like the sass that she has already and the big personalities that they have at such early ages. Um so no one really prepared me for that. Um but uh it's lovely to see. It's like I I love it. So far, it's been uh it's just been awesome to see my my little kids grow up and and uh kind of changing into their personalities that they're getting into. So it's been it's been something that wasn't uh the question you just asked me, but at the same time, uh it's cool to see. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's awesome, bro.

SPEAKER_03 3:57

Yeah, how about yourself? Um no one prepared me for the level of patience that I would need. Um and I say that uh when I say that, I don't mean that in a negative way, but it's just patience with everything, right? Like patience with her milestones, patience with you know her and her phases that she goes through. She's kind of now in a phase where she's starting to talk more, and you know, you know, mom may say something, she'd be like, no, you know, and um I'm like, wait a minute. Or you know, you know, she may kind of get a little bit of an a little bit of an attitude, you know. And it's like in those moments, I'm like, well, you're not that's still my wife. You're not gonna, you're not gonna say though to her, or or you know, talk to her like that or do, you know, be like that, because I'm still like, I'm still the protector as a husband. So it's like she's my wife first before she's your mother, right? So um no one prepared me for the fact that I would have to like kind of draw those lines with, hey, this is my wife. You're not gonna you you need to talk to her, don't say no. That's you know, but then also telling her in a way that where she can learn instead of just being like, you don't talk to her like that versus hey, you don't say no to mommy. You know, when mommy tells you to do something, you do it, you know. So no one prepared me to have to have that patience and that balance to be like, okay, I gotta, I can't go too hard with it, but also at the same time, you can't talk to my wife like that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's so it's it's crazy, man. I I I I would say that's the biggest thing because she's about to be two years old, so she's getting into that phase now where it's like uh she know she's her personality's coming out and the rebelliousness is starting to come out, and I'm like, ooh.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

Yep. My daughter's favorite word right now is why. And I I love it because she's so curious when it comes to that. But at the same time, it's like she asks us, why this, why that, why, why, why? I'm like, because I said so, but it's like I also want her to be curious, I want her to ask questions. I I do, but like you said, at some point, like if mommy's asking to do something, it's not know or why, like, just do it. But just do it, yeah. But at the same time, I want to explain to her, like, I know that you're curious and know that you want to know why, but just do it because we asked you to do it. But but I like the fact that she's so curious. It's really cool to see that uh that she asks these questions at such an early age.

SPEAKER_03 6:34

Yeah, no, for sure, for sure. What do you think is one of your biggest fears as a father?

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Um, that's a great question. Uh I think it just just just failing, failing them, and not not necessarily failing them in the in the sense of like I'm gonna be uh as far as like money and and and be able to provide for them, but just failing at being able to just be with them through the day-to-day, right? I don't want to be a non-present father. Like at the end of the day, like money doesn't matter. Like you could be there and you making no money at all, but as long as you're there in their life and doing the the basic needs that you're doing, you should be fine. So I just don't want to ever be in a position where I can't be with them on a day-to-day basis where we can go do things and uh they can just see their dad when they're always asking, where's dad at? And I gotta say, like, well, dad's at work or dad's doing something else, you know. I want them to always know that I'm gonna be there with them. So I think my biggest fear is just not being able to be present um and having to, you know, put other things in front of them when in reality, like those things will come. I want to always be make sure that I'm I'm with my kids each and every day. So I think that's my biggest fear.

SPEAKER_03 7:46

I love that, man. And you got it's it's one of those things where we're trying so hard to be present and to be there. Um you know, it could be a situation where we're trying to compare or we're trying to, we we may be trying to do it too much too hard. And so, because uh for me, my I think my biggest fear is comparing me to an example that I didn't have, right? So I'm trying so hard to be the father that I didn't have. I don't want it to get in the way of actually me being present and me being her father the way that you know I'm supposed to be being her father. So like I look at it like, and then you know, sometimes I gotta catch myself and I'm like, wait, why am I comparing myself to an example that I didn't have? Like I'm already I'm already there, I'm already doing more, you know. But I sometimes I catch myself, I'm like, man, I can't fail, man. I can't fail at this because guess what? I didn't have this, and so now I gotta go extra hard to make sure that she doesn't experience what I experienced. Yeah, and sometimes that could be a negative, you know. For sure.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

At the same level, like I had my dad was always there, right? He he worked all the time and he was always doing it. But if I had a basketball game, a graduation, like I know my dad was gonna be there, so like on the other side of that, it's like my dad was there. I don't want to fail and not and not be that, you know what I mean. I've seen it, so like I can just keep doing what that is, and I know my dad was a great dad for doing those things, and I know there was times that I was just a little kid that I remember there was a time where I asked my parents for a bike, and they're like, Oh, yeah, we're gonna get one, and nothing happened, never got one, never got one. And then I kind of yelled at my mom or something like that, like, oh, you never give me what I want, blah blah blah, right? And my dad that same day was coming home with a bike in his backyard, uh, in his sorry, in his back seat. And uh, you know, from that moment I was like, man, I was just being a brat. And my parents were working hard to go get that bike, having to go to work, work overtime, get the bike that I wanted. That same day I got the bike, uh, drove down the street, I ran over a piece of glass and the and the tire broke. And it just made me realize like those little things like that, like you're worried about having a bike and everything, and your parents are trying to figure out how to you know pay the bills and do all these other things that you don't even realize it yet, you know. So same type of thing. Like, I know like for me on your end, like you may not have that that that father figure there, but I did, so I I definitely don't want to fail because I've had that example and was showing me what you know a good father could be.

SPEAKER_03 10:20

Yeah. No, that's awesome, bro. That's awesome. Do you think fathers are appreciated enough in today's society?

SPEAKER_01 10:29

Uh I guess it depends on who you ask. Um for for me, I I think I think we I think we are, but I also think that that mother is always gonna be at the top, which because they're most of the time doing the most, you know what I mean? That's at least the way you see in society. You see, okay, the mom stays home with the kids and she has that full-time job, whereas the dad's out and doing work and then you know comes back, whereas in the moms get praised as much because that's what society says that that's what they're supposed to do. Whereas in there, they just go work, come home, and then mom does all the things around the kids. So I think in society's world, um, no, we don't get them, you know, appreciated. But I think in our world, at least, you know, mine, I think my wife does appreciate a lot of things that I do, and she she'll tell me, she'll write me notes here and there, let me know that what I do doesn't go unnoticed.

SPEAKER_03 11:21

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Yeah, which feels good, you know what I mean? Because sometimes you're like, man, you're out there you're doing other things that you gotta do, but sometimes just hearing it, you know, even just once or twice, you know, here and there every couple months, it just feels nice and kind of gives you that extra boost to go out there and keep doing the things that you're doing. So um, I would say it's a uh a yes and no answer to that.

SPEAKER_03 11:44

Yeah, no, for sure. I you're you're absolutely right. Like, we're we'll like Mother's Day and Father's Day are not gonna be the same. And I I mean for everybody out there that's thinking that it should be, personally, I I don't I don't care. Like, I I know at the end of the day, like you said, like my wife does more than I do. You know, I do I do I do do a lot, you know, but my wife, she is the mother, she's the nurturer, she's she's gonna do more. Like, if like there's for all the mothers out there, I feel like every mother's gonna do more than the father. I mean, it just it just is what it is, unless you know your situation doesn't call for that. But like in a normal situation, the mother is gonna do more. So I feel like the mother should get more appreciation, but also at the same time, you're right. Like, I I feel like you know, destiny thanks me all the time and appreciates me and stuff like that. Yeah, that's all I need. You know, I I I I just I just need her to affirm me that yes, you are doing good, you are doing great. I don't need you know to be celebrated like that and stuff. I just want, I just I all I ask is that, hey, let me know if I'm doing good, let me know what I can improve on, let me know what from your point of view what you're seeing, yeah, that you know, I you know, that I'm doing, you know. So I feel like we do get appreciated enough, but it for the people thinking out there that it's gonna be the same, it'll never be the same. Exactly. You know, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Exactly. At least it's okay with me, not necessarily everybody else.

SPEAKER_03 13:16

Yeah, yeah, no, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

Yeah. I think it's uh as a as a dad who wants to be the best he can be. Like obviously you always want to strive for perfection, but I think as a dad, like it's no perfect, right? Every child is different, every household is different, every experience you go through is different. So even mine and your experience is different, but um is yours and mine is mine, and I think as long as we keep doing what we're doing, like our kids are gonna be set up fine. Like we just want them to be, you know, good citizens, you know, yes ma'am, no ma'am, like you know, just be nice individuals and human beings and have an experience where it's not just like the same things, it's experiencing different cultures, etc., where they're more open-minded and curious when they go out there in the world and you know it's not us around them every day, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 14:02

No, for sure. For sure, absolutely, man. No, that's a great point. All right, so looking back on your father, right? This is a two-part question. What is one thing? Um actually, you know what, let me rephrase that. What part of your father do you hope to become? And the second part is what part of your father do you hope to avoid?

SPEAKER_01 14:32

Yeah. Uh so hope to become, my my dad was one of the hardest workers that I know. Um, and he never made an excuse. He always got up and did what he had to do, um, to to put food on the table and roof over our heads. So that part I wanted to get instilled into me. I want to sell it to my kids, just is is working hard first and foremost. And uh I think for my my dad, um it's uh he doesn't he didn't have the luxury that I have, I would say, in a sense where I get to work from home, I get to see my kids, where he had to get up, drive, or run or walk, whatever he was doing to get to work, right? Whether he ride his bike or uh jumping in the car to do whatever to get to work and stay there all day, 12 hours here, eight hours there, working overtime. Where I had that kind of luxury. Um so for him to do that for years and years and years and years and years and never complain about anything, uh I want to take that out of it. Because I have a luxury, I can sit on my couch and do my work, right? It's very easy, as you know, like right, we can just we can do that. Um, just taking that that he instilled in me. Um that part I want to obviously continue to take into to my uh to my life now and then into my kids. And then something that I don't want to take, uh I don't want to say it's a it's a how do I how do I put this? Uh my dad is a lovely own man. Uh so he uh I don't want to say it's a mistakes because I have my brothers, right? My stepbrothers, uh different moms. So I have two two sisters that have the same mom, and then I have uh three brothers that have different moms. And uh one came through my mom's, you know, my mom and dad's marriage. Okay. Uh it's not a mistake because that's my little brother and love him to death, and I don't want to consider that a mistake. I think that happened for a reason, whatever reason that was, it did. And uh that's my brother, my you know, we we all we all get along and we all kind of like raised together. Um But obviously, I don't want to take that part. Like whatever reason why that happened, I don't want to take that part and and and uh do that do that inside the my my marriage that I'm going on now, if that if you will.

SPEAKER_03 16:59

No, I I get it, totally makes sense. They weren't mistakes, right? But at the same time, extracurricular activity had to be going on for them to be in this world, right? I mean, we just gonna call it what it is. So you don't want it to be a situation where you're stepping outside of your relationship and then you're creating another family somewhere else. Exactly. I totally get it. I totally get it.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

And I would have to say, hats off to my dad, like, even though he didn't directly say, hey, don't do this or that, he's always instilled in me, hey, like, if you find someone that pushes you to what you want to be and kind of uh uh how do you want to say this, like steps like get you outside of your comfort zone and kind of get you to where you want to be in life, then stick with that one one individual. He always kind of instilled that in me. And I obviously think it's because of you know, obviously having multiple women can get a little uh stressful, you know what I mean? And you know that all that's gonna like he's always like, hey, just once you find that one person, like just stick with it, um, and and and keep it keep it moving that way. So he's always done that, even though it wasn't like intentional in a sense where it's like, hey, don't have another kid with another woman. It was more like, hey, once you find that one, stay with it, because of the things that he's gone through or done in his life. So that kind of helped me, um, you know, throughout my at least my relationships, etc., to to be that way. Um, but obviously we're young, you know, we always make you know mistakes and we do things and we learn and we grow. But you know, as I get older into marriage, you know, it's been uh it's been great and always got that in the back of my mind.

SPEAKER_03 18:37

No, that's awesome, dude. That's awesome. And I like that he's teaching, he's teaching and instilling in you that hey, listen, I did this, um, just make sure you don't repeat the same things. And that's what parenting is, right? We our kids gotta be better than we were. So how do they do that? We have to instill them, hey, you need to navigate differently than what I did. You know what I mean? And so that's what it's all about, bro. Even in the midst of all that, you know. Was your dad athletic?

SPEAKER_01 19:08

Yeah, my dad ran track. So my dad was I think he still got some records in high school. Okay, he he did the hurdles, so like he was, yeah, he was definitely athletic. Um he didn't play basketball, I don't think, at all, but he definitely was on that track and field. He can get he can get up that field real quick. People were saying that he'll start and go, and then you couldn't see him, so he was definitely in that track. All his brothers were though, a lot a lot of them at least.

SPEAKER_03 19:34

Yeah. Now I know you're tall. Is your dad tall?

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Uh my dad was uh he was like six six foot.

SPEAKER_03 19:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Yeah, I mean that's not short, but he's not like six seven or nothing, six eight. Yeah. Um my mom was 5'10 since like the fifth grade, but I think her uncles were like seven foot, so maybe I think I got it from that side. Ah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:56

Yeah. No, for sure. Dang. That's great. I'll be because you know, I got a I got a buddy of mine, man. His um his dad wasn't tall, but he has he has four brothers. Well, he well, he had four brothers, one passed away, but every last one of his brothers was at least six four. Six three, at least six four. One's like six eight, six, seven. Um, he's like six four. He had a one that's six five. I mean, all five of them are at least six foot four. And when you look at their dad, it's like the dad is not even tall at all. Right. And so it's just yeah, it's just crazy how genetics are. Like, and you could get them from any part of your family, it's wild.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

Yeah, I mean, right now, shoe, you're your daughter's just up there, man. I'm like, what the world? She better be dunking on you.

SPEAKER_03 20:51

Dude, she's gonna be she's gonna be dunking. She's in a 97 percentile, bro, for height at her age.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

Yeah, that is wild. I mean, you're you're tall, obviously. Yeah. For a woman, she's not short at all.

SPEAKER_04 21:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:09

Yeah, good luck when she tried to dunk over EA.

SPEAKER_03 21:14

Man, okay. Ooh, man. Do you feel like fathers face a lot of pressure as far as you know, going out here, having to provide, having to work? Do you think there's a lot of pressure on fathers to be successful or to execute the way that they want to execute and be in their kids' lives and things of that nature?

SPEAKER_01 21:35

Yeah, most definitely. I think I think anytime I hold up with that, I think there is a luxury that comes with when you're single, you don't have to worry about anybody or anybody else. Like you have the luxury to be complacent and kind of just do what you do on a day to day basis. I think when you get married, you have a wife and you have kids, that luxury kind of goes away. Because now you gotta get up and get it no matter what. Whatever you do, you have to make sure. That you can provide and do all the things that you need to do at as a man. And I think there is a lot of pressure with that because if you can't do it, and my kids can't eat, or you know, I can't, they don't have a house, like what do we do next? So I think there is a pressure that that we have that we have to just I don't know if it ever goes away because even now, like I know I'm I live a good life, a good job, and you know, money's there, I can provide for my family, but what if it stops? And it's always in my head. That's at least for me, that's always in my head. I can't. I gotta do it. My dad's always told me, no matter what you do, do the best at it, whether that's flipping burgers at McDonald's, whether that's whatever it is, try to be the best. So I'm just trying to be the best at what I can do, whatever that best is to do it. But I always still have that pressure. It is like, man, well, the rent's due, we gotta pay the Costco bill, we gotta pay the gases getting higher. Like, there's always those little things in the back of your mind, like I gotta make sure I have an emergency fund, I gotta make sure I gotta do this just in case something happens, I lose my job, and all these things that you know when you're younger and you want to just grow up real fast, you forget that your parents got all these other things to worry about. Um as as men, is we want to provide and want to be the the people that can you know help our families, that it's uh it's something that you you constantly think about.

SPEAKER_03 23:21

No, for sure. I I I'm totally with you on that, man. It's like how the it's like the mortgage gets paid this month, like I'm great. Yeah. The bills get paid, I'm great. Like, that's all I care about. You know, as long as as long as we can keep this roof over our head, gas in our tanks and all that, I'm great, man. How do you how do you overcome those pressures, right? Because there's gotta be a moment where because like you can't it can't be constant pressure, right? Like otherwise you'll you'll lose your sanity. Like your mental, you know, you'll lose that. So how do you c how do you overcome those pressures when those when those pressures start to like mount?

SPEAKER_01 24:04

Yeah. Um I think the saying is like you what is the saying they say is uh stay ready so you ain't gotta get ready or something like that, right? So you prepare, right? When I was my parents both worked hard, but financially, um, Kenzie's parents were uh very financial literate, if you will, right? So when we got married, like they wanted to just take classes and everything like this to be prepared and have emergency funds and have these things.

SPEAKER_04 24:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

So putting hard work plus financial literacy plus savings plus these things, and then plus just having a wife that's there, like, hey, look, like you're not in this by yourself. If something does happen, like I do have things on my end as well. I do have money coming in, like, we're we'll be fine. You don't have to worry so much by yourself if you do lose your job and something comes up, it's not end all be all because I'm here, you know, you're not by yourself anymore. So that helps me when she reminds me of that sometimes. Like it's just like, oh, she she is there, we do have emergency funds, we do have these things on the on the back end where if something does happen, um, that we should be fine until you know the the next kind of thing pops up or the next opportunity. But uh, I think that's what really helps is just having a wife that's there and that doesn't just say, hey, you're doing everything. Um it's a true partnership. Like at the end of the day, like she's not the only person that does the dishes and cleans up. I'm gonna help her when she gets overwhelmed, right? Because being with the kids all day, that's a job in itself. So thing that I can do to help alleviate those little pressures so that she doesn't get overwhelmed all the time. It's kind of like the same way when it comes to financial, right? If we're if I'm paying all the bills and all these things, and we go out to eat, and there's one time she's like, Oh, I got it this time of day. Like that, just like sweet. I ain't gotta worry about this today. She got it. Like that, little things like that, um, that kind of help ease those pressures off, you know, day in and day out.

SPEAKER_03 26:04

Yeah, no, I I I totally get it. I I I'm the same way, man. And you know what, bro? Like, I I I'm gonna just keep it a stack with you, man. Like, I I'm one of those where because I'm a glass half empty kind of dude, yeah. Sometimes the pressures don't, I don't sometimes I don't overcome the pressure. Sometimes I'll let the pressures leader on because I look at pressure as a motivational thing for me.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:35

Um, which I shouldn't. Like, you should like I shouldn't I shouldn't be thinking about like, well, dang, is the mortgage gonna get paid? I should just have the faith that it's gonna get paid. You know, because we out here doing what we gotta do to pay it. Right. But those things constantly creep up on my mind, and they and I have this internal battle with myself, and I'm like, man, this water bill or or these groceries, I mean, like, you know, with with costs going up on everything, I'm constantly thinking about like, man, could this be the end? Like at any moment, this could turn. Right. Instead of just having a faith that nah, you know what, we're good. Like, we're okay. Yep. Exactly. Right, exactly. But I don't, I don't, I know that we're blessed. I I I like I know the God that I serve. I know I I know all these things, and yet I still um I still have those pressures that sometimes I just don't combat or overcome. And I kind of still think about it. And then, you know, I'll I'll get a I'll get to a point where it's like, okay, I'm not thinking about it anymore. Uh something's there to take my mind off it. And then in the next week or so, I'll be like, well, back to the pressures again, you know what I mean? And so I'm I'm I'm trying myself to really like kind of get better in that area. But it's hard when you're a glass half full. Like if anything, like for me, if anything goes wrong, I don't want to I don't want to necessarily say I'm panicking, but I'm I'm foreshadowing, I'm thinking like four or five steps ahead. I'm playing chess. Like, okay, if this happens, how much more runway do we have before we need to start panicking? Or if this happens, you you know what I'm saying? I'm I'm constantly always thinking about the worst that can happen.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

Right.

SPEAKER_03 28:23

And I gotta I gotta get out of my own head with that, man.

SPEAKER_01 28:26

Yeah, but I think at the same time, like you said, I think what they say is pressure makes diamonds as well, right? So at the end of the day, like you may be using as, like you said, motivation to say, hey, well, I'm doing everything I gotta do so that I know that these things are always gonna happen. So even though the pressure's there, the pressure's motivating me to keep doing what I'm doing. Because if you don't, it's like going back to what I said about when you are single, like you sometimes you get complacent. Like, I know if I just gotta live off a little Caesar's box for two days, I could do that. But you can't do that when you got a wife and kids, right? You gotta go out there and do more so that you can go get that $800 grocery bill at Costco, whatever it is, you know. You can't go to five hour little Caesars for two days. But that pressure, like it it does, it does kind of help you as a sense to keep keep grinding, keep doing what you're doing so that you can get those things done. So in a sense, pressure sometimes is is good.

SPEAKER_03 29:21

Yeah, no, for sure. For sure. Yeah, you're absolutely right. And I I can't for me uh I think more along the lines of I have to stop thinking the worst of every situation, you know. I can't help it. That's what that's how I grew up. That's how, you know, my mom was a saver, and you know, she was uh she I mean for her it was like okay, I need to I need to make sure I'm good just in case something happens. She was a saver, bro. She didn't she didn't make a lot of money. Right and so I mean we weren't poor or anything, but things were kind of tight because it was just her and me, you know. And so growing up, I had that mindset of, well, I'm not a single dad, but I have the mindset of a single dad, if that makes sense. Yeah even though, even though I got and Destiny, man, this is the one of the this is man, I love Destiny so much because Destiny balances me out. Destiny's a half glass full, she's the positive, she's the hey, we're gonna be okay, like no matter what, we gonna be okay. Right. She's that woman, and that, and I love, I I I appreciate that because she really balances it. Because I I couldn't imagine being with someone who was glass half empty like me. It would be like, oh, well, we both can't sit, like we both can't you know, somebody's gotta be the positive reinforcement, right? And that's exactly what she is, bro.

SPEAKER_01 30:53

And so partnership is always good having someone there to kind of you know let you know, hey, we we're gonna be alright. You ain't gotta worry about that.

SPEAKER_03 31:04

Yeah. For sure. What's one of the what is one of the biggest mistakes you've made as a father? So if you look back over, you know, give me one of your top mistakes that you made and and how did you how did you overcome that mistake? Biggest mistakes.

SPEAKER_00 31:33

That's a good question, man.

SPEAKER_01 31:41

I make a lot of mistakes, man. I think I learn every day, really, but uh the biggest mistake that I made I think it is trying to be too prepared. Uh and what I mean by that is like when you have kids, like you try to be I don't know, like you're trying to be like uh you have you have you're supposed to have everything in order, like you're everything's gonna fall in place, everything's gonna be perfect. And I think I was trying so hard, like when you have kids and having kids now, like you try to be like this perfect kind of figure every single day, and you gotta realize that nobody's nobody's perfect. There's gonna be days where you're you're not as patient, there's gonna be days where you just you're not all in it, you know, you got 20% to give, um, but it's just like you just gotta be there and and try to figure it out. Um so I think the biggest mistake is just trying to always be overly prepared um when situations where you necessarily don't don't need to be, um, if you will. Um and then also it's it's maybe uh my dog my daughter saying these things now where she goes, Don't yell at me. I'll turn with her at times, you know, because she'll be doing things that I want her to do.

SPEAKER_04 33:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:14

Yeah, no, or whatever the case is, right? And she'll be like, Dad, don't yell at me, and I gotta work on like how I'm saying or what I'm doing. It's just that she thinks that I'm yelling at her. Um, so I think that maybe a mistake of mine that I'm doing, and I need to to overcome that is really dig deep in myself and just be like, How how can I speak to her in a way where she doesn't feel like I'm yelling at her? And it's getting it's getting to me now because I'm like, dang, I don't feel like I don't want her to feel like I'm yelling at her, but I also want her to get the point across and let her know, like, hey, you can't do that, or you know, pushing her brother off the bed, or you know, just doing things like like she knows she's not supposed to do it, but they're she's doing it, whatever the case is.

SPEAKER_04 33:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:58

So just trying to find a way to speak to her in a way where I can get the point across. She knows that hey, you don't do this, and um me not maybe raising my voice or in a different tone, right? Um patience may be a little bit high at the time where she can sense, like, oh I know dad's mad. Why are you yelling at me? That's her favorite thing. Like, girl. So maybe that, I think that might be a better one. Yeah. How about yourself? What do you think?

SPEAKER_03 34:27

Um, I'll just be transparent. I remember one time we had, I don't know how long we had been in the house, but um we were both tired because we had been in the house, but Ocean wasn't sleeping throughout the night. She was trying to get, you know, acclimated to the environment. She's up, she's upstairs in her own room. Um, and we had just put uh got like a toddler bed for her because, bro, like she started crawling out of the crib, dude. And one day, dude, one day we're in the media room and you know, we're watching TV, and she was in the crib watching um uh TV in the living room, and all of a sudden we seen her walking toward us, and we were like, wait, what just happened here? And she had literally climbed out of her crib. This was she was, I don't know, she was maybe this was a few months ago, so maybe she was like 16 or 17 months. No, it's since we've been in the house. Anyway, maybe 18 months. But we were like, okay, so now we gotta get her a toller bed because I mean she's literally too big for the crib at this point. She's she's decided that. So anyway, so she's up in her room, um, she's getting acclimated, but she's not sleeping. We're tired, man. So, you know, she was crying one night, and um Destiny had gone up first to try to get her to go back to sleep. And so finally I was like, you know what? I'm gonna go up there. I was irritated because I was tired, and I picked her up and I laid her aggressively on the bed. Like, I didn't like throw her on the bed, yeah, but I laid her aggressively on the bed, probably more aggressively than I should have. And I immediately picked her up after that because I was like, wow, that I shouldn't have done that. And you know, and she made her cry. And of course, when I picked her up, she stopped crying, but because I had realized what I did. But yeah, in that moment, I that was a mistake for me because I had to understand and realize, man, she's just a little girl. And I felt so bad about it. I I mean I I caught I called my mom and told her about it. I called Destiny's mom and told her about it. Um, and you know, they of course they were there to support me and stuff like that, but that right there was probably the biggest mistake that I've made, and from then on, I've learned to be like, you know what, I can't do that. I can't I can't snap like that. And it wasn't even really a it in my opinion, it wasn't a snap. It was just like I just did something more aggressively than I should have. Yeah, you know, but I'm like you, bro. Like, I just want my voice to be like, hey, don't do this, and for her to know that daddy means business without just just by talking. Yeah, you know. Um, I was uh I was interviewing another person about parenting, and I would I had asked her a question, do you think men should spank their kids? And her response was in their particular household, no, her her husband doesn't spank their daughter. And in our household, that's how we have it as well, where I won't spank Ocean. And I'll just but what I want is I want my voice to be the spanking. Yep. And so these words that I give you in a nice nice way are gonna be that spanking and be like okay, I need to stop because daddy's daddy's means business, he's he's upset, you know. Um so yeah, that's that that that was that and I still think about that to this day, you know what I'm saying? And it's something that I'll probably think about for a long, long time. And at that point, I had to check myself and be like, bro, like you gotta nah, that's not it.

SPEAKER_01 38:15

And I think it goes back to what we were saying in the beginning about like you know, the patience, like you were just tired, your patience level was like, man, she need to go to sleep already, right? So that's just where you were at. So like, but you already, when you came on, you know, when you first said it, you're like, patience is one thing I want to work on. So like already you're working towards that, and that's I think that's me too, is like having the patience with them and understanding, like they're only well, mine are one and two, and even though they seem like they're a lot older, like for some reason, but like they are only one and two years old, they're gonna do silly things, they're gonna trip their brother, they're gonna, you know, do things that they're not supposed to do and say things they're not supposed to say, and whatever the case is, right? But it is having the patience and understanding, like they're just two years old. So like just getting there, that's where I'm trying to get to. And my my daughter is actually helping me with it because of the things that she says. Like she says, Don't yell at me, like that. She says that, like, she's telling me that. And I'm like, Oh, I'm so sorry, baby. She gets, she just gets me, I'm like, Oh, I'm so sorry about it. I don't mean to yell at you. I just want you, Daddy don't want you to do that because you can get your brother hurt or you can hurt yourself. And she tried, she gets in, she she understands, she said, It's okay. Like, so she'll say it, but like I'm trying to get better at that, so she doesn't think that I'm just yelling at her, versus like we can just have a conversation and still get the same thing across.

SPEAKER_03 39:40

Yeah, no, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. It's a work in progress, man. There look, there's no manual with this, and I I've learned and realize that it's just not a manual. I mean, it's the you like you have to figure this thing out on the go.

SPEAKER_00 39:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:55

You know, it's the it's the it's the hardest, best challenge, but also it's like, here, I want you to. Like, if someone were to give you three tennis balls and be like, you need to juggle these three tennis balls and you better not drop one. Yeah. That's kind of how I equate to it. It's like, I'm giving this and I gotta run with it on the go, but I can't like I gotta figure it out. Yep. You know, because I don't want to fail.

SPEAKER_01 40:24

Yeah, there's no step-by-step guide on how to raise a child. That's the hardest part. You look on the internet, every child is different. So one thing my child can can go through, and I try to tell you that, and you try to do it, it could be completely opposite. It could fail, you know. So, like, it's never really like a you do this, your kids are gonna be great. It's just like you gotta do what you can the best way you can every single day. So I wake up like it's a new mission today, and every day is a new mission. We're gonna have missions for years to come.

SPEAKER_03 40:55

No, for sure. For sure. Speaking of years to come, you know, 25 years from now, um, you know, if someone were to ask your kids to describe you, what would you want them to say you are as a father?

SPEAKER_01 41:13

Uh, I think the biggest thing that goes back to what I was saying earlier is just I want them to say, like, my dad was a present father, he was at my games, or he was at my recitals, or he was at my graduation. Like, he was just someone that was there. If I called him, he's gonna pull up. You know, whatever that is, my tire is flat, I call my dad, he comes to fix it. You know, I'm out drinking, I don't want to get in the car with my friends, but I'm gonna call my dad, and he's not gonna judge me because I'm out here drinking and I'm drunk, or he's just gonna be like, I'm coming to get you, baby, I'm on the way, you know, like whatever it is. Like, I just want them to understand that uh them to know and and them to realize that daddy's gonna be there no matter what. So I just want them to think that hey, daddy's present, and uh yeah, that's the biggest thing for me.

SPEAKER_03 42:01

Yeah, I love it. Same here, man. I just I want them to know, like you said, like they can they they got my number and they can call me, they can talk to me about it, they can tell me anything. If you get bullied at school, tell me. If there's something like if you're going through a situation where it's some type of boy involved, tell me. You know, I want I want to I want them to have the confidence to come to me and be like, dad, this is what I'm going through, this is what I'm dealing with. And I mean have the confidence to where it's like they don't second guess at all if I should tell my dad this or not. Right. Exactly. They know that I'm a safe space, they know that I'm gonna do I'm gonna do everything that's in their best interest and do right by them, so they have no issues coming to me. And that's the type of dad I want to be, bro. Like, come to me.

SPEAKER_01 42:52

That's exactly it. And that's how I think my mom and dad were for me. Like, they're very lenient on me because like if I go to my friends and I wasn't comfortable, I know I could call them. If I was out drinking and I didn't feel comfortable getting in the car, I'd call my mom. She'll tell them, and all my friends are like, Man, your mom is just so cool. Like, I don't know if I could tell my mom that or whatever the case is.

SPEAKER_04 43:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:12

Listen, if my mom wants me to call her, I'm gonna call her. She's gonna pick me up. She might be in her pajamas and she might say I might be tired, I might be asleep, but I will come and get you. And I want to take that into you know my kids or whatever the case may be, and that might not be drinking or whatever the case is, but if they just don't feel comfortable, like you said, if it's a situation with a girl or a boy, whatever the case is, like they can just be like, hey, I'm gonna call my dad and he's gonna have my back. So without having to judge me, he'd rather have a conversation. Regardless if they think I'm gonna like it or not, we can have a conversation and keep it moving.

SPEAKER_03 43:45

So no, for sure. That's what's up. Well, I'm gonna get you out of here on this last question, man. Um so you know, and and this is this is excluding the the Fathers who are trying to be in their kids' lives, and maybe there's just a situation with the mother where the mother's not letting them. This is this is this question is coming from a space of there's nothing stopping the father being there, the father just not choosing to be in their kid's life, just whatever reason, right? My question to you is what is something what would you tell fathers that are not in their kids' lives? What would you say, what would you tell them that they're missing out on by not being there? That makes any sense.

SPEAKER_01 44:44

It's like Christmas, like when you're a little kid, it's like Christmas every single day. That's my greatest gifts. At the end of the day, like I I was able to create these little human beings, and it's just cool to see they grow every day. Like I'll go to a work trip for three days, and I come back, I'm like, why it look like you just changed already? Your personality is different. It's it's insane. So for me, when you have little ones and then you just don't want to see them or be in their lives, to me, I don't I wouldn't understand that or never understand that feeling because I don't even I can't even stand a couple days from work for me for my kids, let alone years and years and years. And just being able to guide them in a world where it's it's a crazy world out there. So being able to guide them and really navigate it so that when they get older they can go out there and be great human beings, like I wouldn't miss that for the world, you know. I I I fight hell and back to to be you know in my kids' life no matter what, no matter if it was challenging or not. But the fact that you're choosing to do so, um I would say you're missing out on a whole different world. It's just it's different.

SPEAKER_04 45:53

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 45:55

What about you? I mean, like you said, like you're you're you uh you have a different like situation, obviously, with your father and things. What would you say uh to him if you could uh with that same question?

SPEAKER_03 46:08

I would say that it I I mean, shoot. We could I mean we could we could talk for three or four hours about what I would say he missed out on, but I mean if I'm giving a couple top things, number one is the my milestones, man, like birthdays, like I'm turning another year. Um with milestones comes, I'm learning how to talk, I'm learning how to think, I'm learning how to communicate. Um, and that then that should be a joy for a parent to want to be a part of. Like that should be something that a a father should want to be a part of. Um I'm I'm an athlete, you know, and I from what I know, my dad was an athlete. He could jump. He, I mean, and so it's like seeing your offspring doing the things that you used to do, um, and and wanting to be a part of teaching them to be better, even like in sports. Yeah. Like if I like if I had had that motivation and encouragement in sports, I would have, I would have just I would have taken it more serious. I would have I would have hooped, I would have played football, I would have tried to get a scholarship, tried to go D1, you know what I'm saying? D1, all of that. And and not just saying D1 because it was a dream. No, I felt like I could have done it. Right. But because mom was a single mom, I chose to work over that. And that was, it is what it is. And so, and my and look, I'm not complaining about my journey or anything. Like my journey is my journey. You know what I'm saying? There's a reason why this the path led me here to this point. So I'm not complaining about it. But at the same time, a lot of things could have been altered, you know, had I had my father in my life. Financially, financially, my mom could he could have uh, I mean, my mom would have had to um you know make ends meet. Yeah, could have been a little bit more comfortable. Yeah, and yeah, exactly. So just missing out on those things, just missing out on, you know, I have a you have you have a granddaughter. Not once I haven't gotten not one reach out. Hey, um it's just like out of sight, out of mind, you know, just don't care. You know, um it's crazy. And so I would tell fathers out there, man, if you can, if you if there's nothing stopping you, please be in your kids' lives, please be a father because they need it. They are going to grow up and st the statistics are not in their favor. Right. If you don't have a father, you're more likely to either end up in jail, end up dead. So, I mean, it turn out to not be a productive member of society. Right. Now, uh fortunately for me, I went the other way. I didn't fall into the statistic. Right. But that's not gonna be the case for everybody, you know. Why not get to why not get to train your child up and be a part of their lives and watch your creation just soar and and and and just take off and be the great successful person they're supposed to be because you led them down that path. You led them down the right path. They they they were great in society because you taught them that. And fathers don't understand that, you know. So that's what I would say. I mean, I that you're missing out on I mean, the future.

SPEAKER_01 49:39

Yeah. It's crazy. Like the the amount of things that you can teach the the your kids, like even just like as little as thank you, like showing now, like my my son follows my daughter. So now when I give him stuff or someone, thank you, and then the little one, one year old, he'll say thank you. So he's understanding that and learning those little things. Yeah, he's just gonna continue to grow and be a good human being as we keep teaching him other stuff, and it's just cool to see. So, yeah, you're missing out. Sorry. Um, beautiful blessings, man. And it's something that uh yeah, I you never want to take for granted, but it's something I I could never you know live without my kids, man. There's it's just a different type of love for the little ones, man. It's just insane. So as you probably get it. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 50:32

The last thing I'll say is to all the women out there, be careful who you have kids with. I mean, I can't stress that enough. Like, be careful who you have kids with. Be careful, research, date, relationships, all that. Get get all those questions answered out because at the end of the day, you don't want to go into a situation where now all of a sudden you're regretting you're regretting this because you don't know if that person's gonna be a part of your kid's life or not. You know, be careful, yeah. Be careful.

SPEAKER_01 51:09

Find someone who thinks about other people sometimes before they think about themselves. Selfless. Yeah, exactly. A lot of times people just thinking about themselves in these situations and want one thing and they get it, they leave. So if you find someone that's gonna be thinking about you and whoever else, whatever's needed, and sometimes you may not even work out, but at least he's still in your kid's life because he wants to be a part of that. You know, sometimes you don't work out and they have kids, and that's fine, but as long as you're still in that kid's life and you're still able to, you know, call them, and you and the the husband or you and the wife can still have a conversation to be involved with that kid, I think that's the most important. At the end of the day, the kids are are the most important, so you gotta kind of put those things aside and and make it happen. So I would say find someone who is selfless and can and can put past those little things and and and really um focus on what really matters, and that's uh that's that's really the the little one.

SPEAKER_03 52:06

So yeah, and and also find out what their family dynamic is. Yeah I mean that's important too, you know. I mean, it doesn't all it doesn't a hundred percent equate to who they'll be, but it gives you a good idea, you know. The structure of the foundation gives you a good idea. So just do your research and just get it, please, you know, don't don't just have a kid with someone just because you think that, well, a kid is gonna change this person or a kid is gonna make y'all stronger. Nine times out of ten, it's not. And it's actually gonna make things probably worse, you know. And so if there's red flags early on, don't be trying to have a kid with that person, you know, just be careful. That's all I gotta say. No, yeah. Well, this was good, man. I appreciate you uh uh being on and giving your your perspective on things and uh definitely appreciate it, man. Like I said, you're someone who exemplifies what it is to, in my opinion, be a great father. And I, you know, I learned from there's some nuggets that I've taken away from you and some inspiration and stuff, and so keep doing that, keep being that example, keep being present, bro, and keep showing people what it really looks like. There's a lot of people out there that just need inspiration, they just need an example because they didn't have one. I didn't have one. So I'm looking to other people to kind of help, you know, um steer me in the right direction. And so just keep being that example, bro, for real.

SPEAKER_01 53:36

Yeah, no, I appreciate that, really. And like I said, right back at you, man. It's it's always good to see other people that look like us that are actually involved with their kids and want to be in their kids and want to continue to kind of kind of push that narrative. So um appreciate you and all you're doing. And uh, yeah, let's just keep rocking it and keep being the examples that we are to other people, like you said, that's out there.

SPEAKER_03 53:58

For sure, for sure. And I'm looking forward to I'm looking forward to uh us taking our daughters to the to the WNBA game too, man. I don't know if I told you, but I I ended up getting my ticket. So it's gonna be a fun you say what? Did you get the ones next to us? No, they didn't have them. So I think I'm like I think I'm a I think I'm maybe a section next. I'm I think I'm in a section next to y'all. But it's cool though, because I mean, shoot. If it's empty, I'll just come over there and sit, you know, sit next to y'all. So, but I think it'll be good for our daughters to connect and stuff again and it'll be fun watching a little game. This is my first W this is gonna be my first WNBA game.

SPEAKER_01 54:36

I think it'll be mine too. Yeah, yeah, so I'm excited. It'll be mine too, because they I think a long time ago I may have gone to a Detroit game, but I don't know, I don't know when I don't know if I did or not. So yeah, it'll be yeah, it'll be dope then, man. We should try to get some food or something before after, and we'll take it.

SPEAKER_03 54:54

Yeah, for sure, for sure. Well, make sure you guys are uh following us on IG where we post reels from the episodes. If you can't watch us, you can also listen to us wherever you get your podcast at FlipThat Switch. So whether you're watching or listening to us, just make sure you tap it in. And my man Dante, always a pleasure, bro. Thank you again. And um good luck, man.

SPEAKER_00 55:16

Yeah, appreciate it.

SPEAKER_03 55:18

And we're gonna see y'all for the next episode, and we out. Peace.