Why "Because I Said So" Is Destroying Your Kids | Flip That Switch Podcast

In this episode, Amanda Golden shared her insights on modern parenting, emphasizing communication, understanding the 'why' behind children's actions, and blending traditional and innovative parenting styles to raise confident, independent kids. Amanda Golden shared her unique parenting approach, emphasizing understanding, patience, and flexibility. She discusses balancing activities, social media influences, and emotional intelligence to foster a healthy relationship with her daughter.

00:00
Introduction to the Podcast and Guest
03:44
Personalizing Parenting Techniques
06:03
The Importance of Family Check-Ins
06:49
Influences from Childhood
09:13
The Consequences of Not Having a Voice
11:06
Encouraging Open Dialogue
12:54
Navigating Social Media and Parenting
16:38
Controlling the Narrative for Children
19:56
Teaching Responsibility and Work Ethic
25:47
Navigating Parenting Choices
30:32
The Importance of Individual Parenting Styles
32:56
Navigating Parenting Styles
35:23
The Importance of Communication in Parenting
38:08
Discipline and Emotional Intelligence
40:58
The Impact of Upbringing on Parenting
44:09
Creating a Safe Space for Dialogue
47:07
The Role of Fathers in Parenting
51:14
Understanding Child Behavior and Emotional Intelligence
55:42
Balancing Activities and Family Bonding
01:03:41
Creating Content for Parenting Support
01:11:40
Advice for Young Parents: Embracing the Journey

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#parenting, #childdevelopment, #communication, #discipline, #parentingstyles, #emotionalintelligence, #childhoodeducation, #socialmedia, #familydynamics #Parenting, #ChildDevelopment, #ParentingTips, #EmotionalIntelligence, #SocialMedia, #ParentingStyles, #ChildActivities, #ParentingBalance

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

We raised our girls to say no man should ever put his hands on you. Okay. Should never allow anyone to put their hands on you. Um and I just don't feel like that's the father's place, but I also don't feel like it's my place. I don't believe that whooping someone is a reaction for them as a punishment. Like who says and it doesn't teach them emotional intelligence. So we all get on kids for hitting and kicking when they get frustrated, but you're just doing the same thing. You got frustrated at their action. You don't know how to correct it, you don't know how to fix it. So your instinct is to whoop them because you're that upset, you're ready to whoop them. And that's the way that you think you're getting them in line. In reality, you just have no emotional regulation over your own feelings because it's no calculated reason for you to put your hands on another human being because you're upset. That is not okay. Basically, you're doing the same thing you're telling them not to do. There is no real reason why you should whoop your children.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Welcome back to another episode of Flip That Switch. I'm your host, Brandon, aka B to the Cis Nai, and we're back with another episode. If you want to be a guest on the Flip That Switch podcast, you have a story that you want to get out there, please hit me in the comments, or you can DM me on IEG at Flip That Switch. But one way or the other, if you want to be a guest on the show, please hit me in the comments. But today we're going to be diving into a new episode, and the person that's stopping by to interview with me is my friend Amanda. Welcome to the show, Amanda.

SPEAKER_03 1:29

Hi, everyone. How are you doing today, Brandon?

SPEAKER_00 1:33

Oh man, I'm doing great. I'm doing great. Um, glad to be doing this episode with you. Amanda is someone who I'm gonna talk to today about how organized and structured she is, and she'll be able to kind of give some tips to all the mothers out there who are just got a lot going on, and it's it's probably insane around their houses. But before we do all that, I just want to ask Amanda, how is your mentor right now? How is everything going as far as you mentally?

SPEAKER_03 2:03

Um, I think it's great. Honestly, I've reached a place of balance, structure, and peace. Something that I have strived so long to achieve. So right now, I feel like I'm in the best mental shape I've been in since my eight-year tenure as a mother. Um, I just do feel amazing. I feel like I have um a handle on things and finally figuring out the rhythm to this motherhood and parenthood journey.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

That's awesome. How many kids do you have?

SPEAKER_03 2:29

Just one.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Oh, just one. Okay. Okay. Now, um, when you say you're finally getting a handle on things, kind of talk a little bit about what it was before that, like the chaos and how was everything happening, and you know, what made you do what made you get to a point where you were like, okay, I think I got a handle on things.

SPEAKER_03 2:51

I started to take everybody else's parenting techniques and things and incorporating them in my own home. So I'm trying to do this, and I'm putting her in seven different activities here and doing all of these things that it appears to be great because my friend is doing it this way, and my other friend is doing it this way, and my cousin is doing it this way, and I'm taking all of these things and putting it into my house. And so one day I realize their children aren't my children, their household structure is not my household structure. So I need to figure out what works best for my house. And when I shift it to start to really realize what is my daughter like? What does my husband need? What works best for me, what makes us as a family unit stronger and allows us each to have some time for ourselves and create like a utopia in our household. And that's just what it boiled down to is just figuring out what worked best for each member of my house and stop looking externally for the answers.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

Yeah, that's awesome. Definitely. I think that's one thing that I've had to kind of also take into consideration, you know, with me having my child, like everybody does things differently. And I can't sit up here and expect me to be like the person next to me just because, you know, we both have a child. I have to figure things out on my own, how to run my own household, how to do things my way. Um, and I think the main driver was of that was the fact that, you know, we don't have a manual for parenting, right? There's not a book or anything. So I have to really just figure out things on my own. But if I try to go after follow after the Joneses and keep up with them, then it's not gonna look good in the end, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:26

Because children can't thrive, like they thrive in what the environment that you create for them. And if you're creating your journal, your environment based off what this person is doing next door, that might not work for your kid. So I do encourage people that figure out about your family, you know, check in with your wife and not tell people, check in with their spouses. How are things going with them? Because even though I hate to say it, and it's not in every household, some moms are the primary parent, meaning they do more of the day-to-day husband. My husband definitely is a great help, like he definitely does, but I typically like to take, you know, frontline on a lot of different things. And sometimes I check in with him, like, how how are you doing? How can we make this a little bit easier for you? And I check in with my daughter, she's eight now, so she can tell me exactly what she likes and what she doesn't like, and how this could help. If I change this, this could be a little bit easier for her to get up in the morning or for breakfast. So I take all I call it constructive criticism, but all suggestions, like a little suggestion box. What works for you? What can we do to make this a little bit better for you? So we're all happy because the goal is not one person in the household happy, everybody should be functioning from a place of happiness and joy. So that's kind of like a primary thing for us in this household.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

I love it. I love it. Just doing those check-ins with each other.

SPEAKER_03 5:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

And it doesn't, it doesn't, it's not like you guys gotta be checking in every single day, every single hour. It's just every once in a while you just gotta, hey, where's your mind at? How are you doing? What is something that's bothering you right now? What are you happy about? What could I be doing differently? What could I be doing less? You know, those check-ins are so key and so important, especially for a relationship.

SPEAKER_03 6:03

Um marriage is different when you become a parent. So those check-ins are key. You have to check in. I encourage every parent, you know, whether you're co-parenting, whether you're in a relationship, check in. It's the world difference for your child, too. I it's the world of difference for your child.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Yeah, yeah. No, for sure, definitely. When you so how was it when you were coming up as a child? Um, because obviously there are things that you have in order and structured as far as your family goes. Were those some did you take that inspiration from when you were a child, or was it different and then you had to be the one to be like, you know what, I'm gonna do things differently than how I was raised. How was that?

SPEAKER_03 6:49

No, I kind of took my parents' parenting structure. I grew up in a two-parent household. It was me, my mom, and my dad and my little sister, which seven years apart. Um, so we've always been, we call it the four musketeers. I know it's only three, but we say it was the four. We did everything. We shopped, we did it all together. I grew up in a very um open dialogue family. So my parents always allowed us to speak our minds. We were always never did now. We know disrespect and not, but we were able to voice what we did not like, and they kind of tried to cater to each one of our needs and figure out what we thrive best in, and that's why I loved my household so much. Um, and that's what I try to implement in my household. However, my husband was raised in a different household where it was do what we say, this is this. So we have to try to blend those parenting styles together. But for myself, this is just normal for me. This is effortless. This is how I was raised. Um, and it allowed me to be more vocal and open and outgoing. And I just saw the greatness that it did for me with my parents that my parenting style and my way my parents did it, and my uncles and aunts will say it like we you're not fearful, you go for what you want, you know. And I want my daughter to have that same impact in her life and on other people's lives is be authentically yourself. It's okay to speak your mind with respect. Um, so everything I do from the activities to the parenting portion, the bed times, the structures, I kind of got that from my mom and dad greatly. And it helped. I mean, it's some tweaks along the way because times have completely changed. But essentially the overarching viewpoint on how I try to attack parenting is based off them.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

Yeah, no, for sure, for sure. I can appreciate that. I that's what I want to encourage my daughter. My daughter is 21 months, but when she gets to where she's talking, I always want her to be like, look, you can come to us for anything. If you got something going on, please talk to us. You know, I talk to a lot of people, um, well, I've talked to some people where um the way they grew up, it was they weren't allowed to have a voice. Um, and so it was like, like you said, it was kind of like do what I say. You when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, type of situation, right? Talk to me about what the negative ramifications can be of a person who isn't allowed to express themselves or have a voice.

SPEAKER_03 9:13

So I look at it this way: you tell a child what to do their entire life, up for 17, 18 years, and then you want them to be able to make decisive decisions for themselves. At that point, that child has never been a free thinker. Sometimes some children don't even know what they like and don't like because someone has always told them what to do. Some parents even narrow it down to what activities they allow their children to play. Like, I want you to do this activity, so you're gonna do this, or I want you to have this situation, so you're gonna do this. And most children have never been able to creatively think about what they like and what they want to do. And I think that really is a disadvantage for them growing up, and then you send them out to college and like, okay, make wise decisions. I've never made a decision in my life. So I do feel like you go out trying to search more. I think those children try to figure out who they are more because you didn't get to really figure out who you were in the, in my opinion, the stages that you should have been able to do that. A lot of times no one is able to make mistakes, you're scared to make mistakes because you have to do it this way. It just creates to me a more, I wouldn't want to say loss, but a person who is trying to discover who they are in their later teen, early 20s. Um, and I think that's where that soul searching thing comes from when you leave out of your parents' house. Because people haven't been able to figure out who they are, and I hate that for them, you know, and I think that's when the peer pressures come in. And people wanted to try things and do things because you weren't allowed to explore and figure out who you were at a younger age, and that saddens me sometimes. Like, as much as um, you know, people might not like it. My daughter's able to say, I don't like to do that, I don't want to do that anymore. This is not something I like. She might even say, I don't even like this friend no more. Of course, I dive into why, but I never push her to do anything that she does not want to do. Never.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

No, that's dope. That's dope. That's awesome. You yeah, you got you're right. You're right about the soul searching. Because I think what happens is people do go out soul searching, and that you're right, that's when the peer pressure comes in, right? You're not leaning on to your own understanding, you're trusting others, you're depending on others because you didn't have that example at home, right? So when you get out in society and in the world, and you know just as much as I do, society and the world is is there to brainwash us. Brainwash us and make us think that this is the right way to go. So I think allowing kids to have that voice and being able to express themselves will I mean they grow up a little bit faster, right? Like, you don't want them to grow up too much, but you also don't want them to get into college and then start figuring things out.

SPEAKER_03 11:58

But you have to be open for dialogue. Like, it's some stuff my daughter says, and I'm like, but I have to have conversations with her because if I don't have those conversations, somebody else will. Now, she does not have any social media, that's a no-go in our house. Um, but she does have friends that have older siblings, so then they have the TikToks and they have things, so information is being given to our children in different ways than when personally I was growing up, so I have to take account for that too, which is why we do open that dialogue up. Now, you're right, it's it's a lot of things that I try to like buffer, but as we send her out to have play dates and we're there, and of course I'm in the presence, but you can't really control a hundred percent what comes out of another child's mouth. So you have to, as a parent, have that open, come talk to me. You know, I don't want her to grow up too fast, I don't want her to know too much, but I also don't want her to to be lost, and I want her to be able to come to me with any issue. Like we have a thing in the car, I pick her from school, I'm not allowed to be on the phone, so I can't chat with my sister or anyone. And she comes in the car and just unloads, whether it was a good day or a bad day. And I know all the business, and I know one day she might start to get a little bit more secretive. Um, and I want to make sure she knows that I'm always that sounding board, that non-judgmental sounding board. Even when it's like, okay, we could have handled that differently, or you could have talked to your friend differently. I try to explore that with her, but I never make her feel bad. And I always want her to feel like come to mommy, talk to me. Like, I'm the what they say, the cool mom. I'm definitely not the cool mom. I'm the look, we gotta get stuff together, mom. But I'm the open mom. I'm the nudge judgmental mom. I'm the mom that loves you whether you do right or wrong. And I want her to know you always, I can help you fix your mistakes. I go back to when she was a child and she used to spill stuff on the floor. And some kids try to cover it up. Don't cover it up. Come to me. The only way we can clean this up and make sure it's done right is if you come and tell mommy what mistake you made. And we started that at a very young age. Don't hide anything. You make a mistake, come talk to us. And I think that has just kept going throughout the trajectory of her life thus far. And I mean, she's eight, so of course, we still, it's like throwing spaghetti at the wall, we're gonna see what sticks. But essentially, we're just trying to get those fundamental principles to make her a free thinker.

SPEAKER_00 14:11

No, that's awesome. That's awesome. At what age did did you start um instilling this in her?

SPEAKER_03 14:17

About one and a half, two. When she was able to walk, when she was because you kids pick up stuff really quickly, right? So if a parent, we don't, there's nothing we don't yell in our house. I don't believe in yelling, I don't believe in raising my voice at her, I do believe in sternness, but that screaming and yelling, no. You know, so I have always tried to teach her to never be afraid to make a mistake. And we did that then. She dropped something and she'll look. And most kids, you see, some kids try to cover it up. No, she had an accident while we were potty training. You know, some kids get fearful, not in Normandy. She came and she likes, oh, let me hurry up and you know, mommy, this is what I did, so we can fix it. It was a story when she was about, I put her in like a daycarish kind of thing about three because she stayed at home with us until then. And I wanted to integrate her, and she went to school, and the teacher yelled at the class, and the teacher went, I picked her up because we only did half days. I didn't still do four days. And she said, I it was an incident. I kind of raised my voice as the kids, and you know, your daughter came and kind of told me, like, that's not nice. We don't yell, we can talk to each other politely, and I had to apologize to the class. She was three at the time.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 15:28

Because we, you, there's no reason, like, emotional intelligence is something as adults, if we want our children to have it, we have to display it. So, even in my most frustrated moments, I dig in and like, okay, it's okay, let's figure this out. And I think that's how she is. Like, you don't have to explode, you don't have to yell. Let's talk to each other. You're a human being. Me yelling at you is not gonna get you to get it anymore. Now, raising your voice to octave, but just screaming and yelling at a kid is not I just don't do it. I don't think it's necessary.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah. And then next thing you know, they go into they go on to somebody saying, My mom did this to me.

SPEAKER_03 16:07

They knew that though. My mom yelled at me now. Now look, I'm in the I'm I'm still in the baby phase as I call it. She's eight now. I don't know what it's gonna be like teenage years. But right now, it works. It works for us.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

Yeah, yeah, for sure. You know, earlier you mentioned that she doesn't have any social media. And, you know, I we talked about how uh social media can be detrimental to someone. Um what was the underlying reason that you chose for her not to be able to have social media?

SPEAKER_03 16:38

I want to be able to control what she sees. I want to be able to control the narrative. Um, there will be questions, but I don't want anyone else teaching my child something that I, especially more adult-like content. Um, there is no buffer, there's no filter. That's even YouTube. Like, there is nothing that stops these children from learning anything on there. And I want to make sure that I can carve out what you learn and when you learn it and how you learn it. There's gonna always be questions. I can't hide that, but I do want to be able to be the person to deliver it so you're not getting misinformation. Um, and we're gonna do that. I don't foresee me allowing her to have social media anytime before maybe 16. It's what are you? I mean, I would you shouldn't need social media because you have friends. Like, social media to me is great for a dose, and we figured it out. Like, I felt like I felt a great community with other mothers, getting other advice. It was great. But you're eight, nine. What are you doing? You don't need to be social online. There's nobody outside of your friend group that you see every day that you need to create some type of relationship with or to see any type of information from. You know, I just I I'd rather me be eight, and I want her to have peace. You know how mental anguish sometimes, depending on if you're a high-level influencer or even just a normal person, how people comment and they say things, and it's like, no. You know, everybody has an opinion on everything. If you keep I put up a picture of Nori, she was watching this, she was about three. I had child abuse people under my comment telling me how that is child abuse, and you didn't have um, and you didn't have the the the the what did she tell me? I didn't have the respect to not cause my child to be a slave. I didn't have kids to have a slave and he's a kid, she thinks it's fun. Like he's not, it's not I you know, I've just kept some stuff off the internet. And imagine me being an adult and dealing with that. I don't want to deal with that with my child. I don't want her to have to experience that. I don't want her to. And then bullying, you know, I just did a panel for her school PFE on the handbook. And we were talking about bullying in social media and how it doesn't just stop in the school. People go home and get bullied. So I I just want to prevent that. I'm not saying I'm shooting her and she's gonna have to deal with this at a later time in her life. No, she's not gonna have to deal with this because we're gonna set the proper parameters to where it does not follow her and she's not a victim to it. I mean, I do think as parents, if we kind of stand together a little bit on some of these things, it'll be a little bit easier. Um, because I'm the queen of monitor. She gets mad at me like her Netflix account has monitoring um our Disney because people don't realize Disney is also has Google and other adult stuff. So Disney is um parental controls. Her her iPad, which she does have, she can't have it during the week. We do parental controls on that. If she wants to download anything, she has to do it. Some of the websites, she can't go to Buffalo Wild Wings on her iPad without approval. You know, if it's not kid friendly, if it's it's over a certain age, she can't she can't do it. She can't go to old navy, she can't go to Gap, she can't do anything but what we allow her to do. Because if you give them too much freedom, it's hard to monitor them. And I don't want her to see anything that it's not correct or that it's exposing her to something that she might not be ready to handle yet. All because I didn't do the proper monitoring and parental control.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

So tell you what, if you if you are a child abuser, my mom should be all up under CPS for I was the same way. I was cleaning, I was doing laundry, I was, I mean, at a very young age. And of course. Yeah, and a teacher's responsibility. Like, I don't like I don't understand people, but for me, I uh even at the time as a kid, I didn't understand it. And I was like, man, there's no way that with these other kids outside playing, doing their thing, swimming and stuff like that, I'm in here cleaning up while everybody else outside having fun. I didn't understand it at the time, but I appreciated it because now that may be into who I am today. Like I'll clean, I'll do everything. I mean, you know, my wife does most of the washing and stuff, but it's not it's nothing for me to fold the clothes or transfer them to the dryer. You know what I'm saying? Because I but that's how I was raised, you know.

SPEAKER_03 21:09

Work ethic. You have work ethic, you have discipline. It's a uh delay gratification, is what we call it, and most children don't have that. So your mother did the right thing. She gave you delay gratification. Do this, and then you can do this. My motto is do what you have to do. You can't always do what you want, but you have to do what you need to do. And you you you might not be able to go play today. But guess what? That doesn't mean you won't be able to go play tomorrow. And I think people think, oh, kids need to be kids. Yes, but a lot of these kids don't have any work ethic. They don't have any discipline. And my college roommate didn't know how to wash her own clothes when we got there. And I just looked at her like, You don't know how to wash your own clothes? And she was like, No, what do you do? And I'm like, Come on, okay. Because my mother, we knew how to sort clothes, we knew how to do it, we we we we knew.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 21:58

So I just Like I said, every household is different. But I do think that there should be some fundamental things. However, you choose to impose them into your children, they should have some the minimum basis of cleaning is like cleaning in your sink after you brush your teeth. Little stuff that I drill into her now. So I I mean, okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

No, I'm glad you said that. Because now I don't feel bad until when my daughter gets three in her washing dishes.

SPEAKER_03 22:27

Like, here you go, let's get this. Let's get no, but she thinks it's cool. What watch when she gets to three, she's going, Can I can I load the dishwasher? Yeah. Or as she sees you or your wife go and pull, you know, some laundry out. Can I help fold? Yeah.

unknown 22:41

I mean, they think it's a game.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

They do one.

SPEAKER_03 22:44

They think it's a game. We bought my daughter a little mini Dyson. They have like the kid Dysons, like the little ones. And we bought her one when she was little because she liked to see me vacuum. Who cares? It was like 30, 40 bucks. And she enjoyed it. You let them be explored. That's a part of exploration. If you want to try it, you try it. I'm not making you do it, but this is something that you enjoyed it too. You never know what your children might actually enjoy.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Yeah, for sure. For sure. So you mentioned earlier that, you know, obviously with the no social media and things of that nature, and you can't control 100% everything that kids do, right? So, you know, your daughter may have friends that actually have access to social media, and you know, they're they're probably showing her their phone or their IG or TikTok. Because I mean, kids are getting younger and younger with getting these apps and getting these phones and things of that nature. So, you know, let's say your daughter comes home and she's been around kids who her friends who have social media or have access to those things, and she's like, Mom, I want this app. I want to do this just because she she's influenced by them. What would your response to her be?

SPEAKER_03 23:59

Um, severally, I I like to explore the app and I used to say, Okay, what are you gonna do on this app? How is this app gonna help you? How is it gonna benefit you? What are you gonna do with it? That was like TikTok. Her friends had the TikTok dances, right? Because they like to do it. Well, I don't believe you need to be on TikTok. I can't parental control TikTok as I would want to. And I asked her, Well, what are you gonna do? How is this gonna make you better? We just ask questions like if you can tell me how this is gonna make you better, how is this gonna create a better little girl? How are you going to be the best version of yourself using this app? And then when she kind of talks through it, she realized it's not as cool as she thinks it is. So I allow her to kind of understand that it's no need because telling your kids no, don't do it, like, well, why? You you know, some people don't like to talk to their kids about why you should do things, but I feel like it stops them from continuously wanting to, because it doesn't make it taboo anymore because we've discussed it, we've talked to it, um, and we also find alternatives. So there's a thing called cover star, which is just typically just dances. There's no like well, you can like stuff, but it's not that oh, people are just putting anything on there, it's really just dances and the kids learn to dance. It's called cover star, it's for kids. Uh a dance instructor made it and they made it for kids. So we also find alternatives too if it's something like that for dances. Well, let's see what they have out here, and we'll find those kid-friendly alternatives. But if it's not a kid-friendly alternative, then we understand why we can't do it, and we just move along. Um, but I never I never know you can't have it, and I don't even try to tell like it's bad for you. It's okay, well, how does this make you better? And then I also show her because I have, I mean, I can't be a hypocrite because I have TikTok, I have Instagram, and you know, I have it all, and she's looking at me like, well, you're on there, so why can't I? But I'm like, well, you see this app, it actually says, you know, this aging up, and you're not at this age yet. So we we get a little diplomatic in there, but I never want to just no, you can't do it. It's let's find, let's discuss how this could make you better, and if it doesn't, you know, or let's find alternative. If you really feel like strongly, what's the alternative? And there's no alternative, then it's nothing to do.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Yeah, no, for sure. I like that. I like that. How is this gonna benefit you? What are you using this for? Right. Yeah, no, I love that. You obviously you have other parents that are friends, right? And I I'm I'm assuming that you've shared with those parents um your parenting uh ways and how you know how everything's structured in your home. Have you ever had anybody come back and tell you um, you know, maybe that's the wrong way or you're sheltering her, or you have okay, so when they tell you that, what's your response to that?

SPEAKER_03 26:47

I mean, I do what's best for my household. I never judge anybody else's, but this is how we want to raise her, and if I'm doing it incorrectly, you know, I will never just say, oh, I don't like that. It's like, okay, well, explain to me a little bit more because I do like clarification. And then after the clarification, it's like, well, this is how I kind of want to run my household. I do take it advance in what you said. And I am an overthinker, so I'll go back and think, like, well, am I doing this right? Not to them, but to myself, and just make sure I I it's mental checking for myself on my parenting. But I'll just let them know we all do our household different, you know, and the way that she needs this structure might not be how your child needs this structure. It's okay. Um, and I will let them know, never make them feel bad. I want everybody to be able to come to me any friend, but I specifically told her, like, everybody's household is different, and you know, everybody raised their households the way they would like to. I appreciate it. Um, but I think right now we want to keep her in her place as a child. We want her to know what the difference between it's it's a lot of time to be an adult. I think we all rush to a place right now where it's like, ooh, this bill, that bill, this don't look as fun as it was when I was younger. So I want her to enjoy these moments because you don't get it back. I just had an emotional moment earlier because she's going to middle school, you know. So I'm like, looking at the fact that she's eight, I'm like, I have 10 more birthdays, 10 more Christmas, 10 more. And you look at and break it down like that, not that I get to celebrate with her, but before she actually goes off into forging her own path outside of my home, you know. So I'd rather allow her to be a kid and have childlike experiences as long as possible before we start to open that up. And I expressed that to her, and she understood.

SPEAKER_00 28:23

And I can respect that about you. You you tell people in a nice um diplomatic way, like, you know, this is um how I run my household. Um, and you know, a lot of people they get on the defensive, they have this defense mechanism that kicks in, and then next thing you know, it turns into an argument. Next thing you know, they cussing each other out and things of that nature. You it doesn't have to be like that, right? You don't have to get defensive, like you can let people know in a nice way, this is how I run my household, you run yours the way you run yours, and this is why, you know, I'm not in your household, and you're not in mine. You're not in mine.

SPEAKER_03 28:55

Yeah, but you know what? That unsolicited advice is crazy. And I say that from outside strangers because people go and tell you all day, well, you should do this with your kid. Like, I don't do that.

SPEAKER_04 29:06

I don't.

SPEAKER_03 29:06

Like, I'm a key, I'm a person and it it kind of reins with your child. We don't do any dyes in our house. So anything with red 40, blue four, yellow two, we don't have any dyes. So if any of the foods have dyes, we don't do it in our home. And I will see younger children eating hot Cheetos. That's on you all. You know what I'm you know? Maybe I feel like education is there, but if it's someone I know, I'll kind of educate them on the effects of it, but I'll never say you're doing this wrong. Or I'll never make them feel bad for it. I just think you all we need to take a village approach. I think we've taken that village approach to parenting out of parenting, which is why I think everybody is so defensive. Like, let's look at this as a village. We want all of our children to succeed. And I think when we have that mindset, we won't take stuff offensive. We'll just take it as maybe this is good advice, maybe this is bad advice. This maybe it's advice I can take, maybe this is advice I won't take. You know, we can just kind of go from there. But I think we need to be open to hearing what other people have to say, whether we like it or not.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

I agree, I agree. I think it's more of the way people comment. It's the it's the offensive stuff. You know, if you want to come and be like, hey, you know, you may want to bend you may benefit from doing this with your child, okay, cool. That's something I can take back. I can, like you said, I can analyze and I'll make a decision from there. But when you know, when people come at you, they're like, Well, you don't need to do this, or you don't need to do that, so you need to do that, that's when it's like, it's like, uh Yeah. Yeah, that's a it's it's a touchy subject.

SPEAKER_03 30:32

It is. I used to see it's especially as new parents, you know, like it's little things that used to, and I would say that as a new new parent when she was younger, I used to get triggered a lot because I would have like my elders, oh she don't have no sock on, oh she don't have no head. And I know they mean well, right? But here I am trying to figure out this nursing thing, and you tell me about a sock, you know, and I had to evolve from that place. But I also have to be remiss to say, like, give some grace. I give every parent grace. There is no, like you said in the very beginning, there's no manual to this. We don't, it's nothing that says, okay, on page six, if they do this, then go here and you can. There's nothing for us to kind of go off on, and then every child is born differently. You know, uh every parenting journey is different, you know. Even my role to having her was totally different than any other normal, you know, parenting journey. So you have to take that into account and give everybody grace when dealing with them, especially when it comes to parenting. I I'm strongly, I think I'm very sensitive to that, of making sure that everybody knows that you're not being judged. This is not easy, we're just here to help. And that's how I think I really want people to understand when I do talk to them, or even when they talk to me, this is from a place of love. I would never tell you anything I wouldn't tell my own child or anything else.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

So Yeah, for sure. Cause I'm a flaming hot Cheeto eater, so you cannot eat those. I've been I I I've been eating them since I was a little kid. Me too.

SPEAKER_03 31:59

And I used to put Cheeto man or pickle juice. Used to be my favorite growing up. And I still dabble. She can't dabble. I think my brand is developed as good as me. She can't have it. Me, I'm not I now look, they say what they say, do as I say, not as I do. That's one of those instances. I will go get me a bag if I'm a little that's like my copper food, and give me a little cup of cheese to the side, and I dip that in there. So I understand. So good. Yeah, she can't have it, but I do. I'm gonna be honest, I do.

SPEAKER_00 32:33

No, I get it. I get it. You mentioned earlier that you know you and your husband, y'all had different parenting structures, obviously. Um, he was more of the traditional, hey, do what I say. You are more of, well, I need you to do this because X, Y, Z. Um, so you were he was probably more honest and you were probably more transparent. And so, like, talk a little bit about how did y'all work through those parenting structures and are y'all at a point where you're like good with the way he parents versus the way you parent?

SPEAKER_03 33:07

Over the years, we figured out how to make them blend a little bit better. He still has his additional viewpoints where he kind of, like I told you, he grew up in a household where children are to be heard, um, not heard. They're more so like you do what a parent says. I grew up in a household where we have more dialogue, we have more communication. And that was what really worked best for me. I think trying to figure out the healthy balance has always been key to both of us. Um I'm not gonna say that we have figured it out because we definitely haven't. But I will say is that I can respect his viewpoints a little bit more and know when to implement his parenting techniques and styles versus mine. Okay. Um overarching though, I do like the transparency. I feel like transparency in communication leads to optimal results when it comes to our daughter. Um, she's very intelligent, she understands everything. So she's not one of those kids that hey, you just tell me to do it. To her, it's like, okay, why are we doing it? How can I do it better? Like, she's always overanalyzing and thinking about stuff, which is a good thing. Um, whereas him is like, don't ask any questions, just get it done, let's get get out the way. And I'm like, no, I'm the parent who talks through. Okay, you're gonna put on your shoes, we're gonna go to the store. After we go to the store, we're gonna do this. Like, I'm taking her along the journey. Whereas my husband's like, put your shoes on, get in the car. You know, and she's just like, okay, what are we doing? To me, mentally, it creates a place where I'm not overstimulated and overwhelmed as a mom because I don't have to ask, where are we going? What are we doing? When are we getting there? Like, I don't have to deal with none of those questions. Whereas children are naturally inquisitive. So for him, she might want to know, like, okay, daddy, what are we going? What are we doing? And I feel like I've covered that in the beginning. So while you're getting the blah blah blah blah in the back seat, I'm getting the ha nice calm ride because she knows what we're doing. I just feel like for me mentally, it makes sense, but for her, also it allows her to be aware, no surprises. It kind of keeps her on routines because I kind of talked about that earlier about routines and things to help her thrive. But we have not reached the point where it's like, okay, this is what we're doing. It's still a battle some days on how we should handle certain situations, but I do think that one focus is making sure that whatever we do best for the organized kid is what is best for her. Like, whatever we say, the ultimate goal is to make sure that she's happy, healthy, and well. So sometimes I might have to pull back and say, okay, your way might work this time. And sometimes he comes back and say no, or sometimes we figure out that happy medium for that one situation. But to be honest, it's a situation by situation, like context, and it's I don't feel like we will ever be on the same page because of where we were both raised. Like I was raised in a very open environment. Dialogue was key, conversation was key. You know, we didn't get on punishment just because it was conversational on why, because I do believe understanding the why of why sometimes your children do things also allows you to make sure it never happens again. First, we use punishment, reinvoicement, reinforcements, and stuff. It's like, okay, don't do it because you're gonna be punished. But let's figure out why that child did it in the beginning so we can maybe figure out how we can make sure they never do it again without them trying to sneak around and stuff. So I just really believe in opening that dialogue to understand why. It's an underlying issue. It's almost like my, and I took a psych class one-on-one. Okay. But it was in college, and what I realized is every emotion is an underlying emotion, every action has an underlying thing. So until you figure out that why, you'll never really understand how to prevent it from happening again. And I think that's a lot of times we just think, oh, kids just do whatever, and kids are they just go here, they go there, there's no rhyme or reason. Kids are very calculated.

SPEAKER_04 36:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 36:37

Um, and I think I try to tell my husband that, and he's just like, she's just a kid. No, no, no. They're very extremely calculated, they understand, they know, and that's kind of how I try to approach it is to understand that why. Like I said, we have two different parenting styles. He's traditional, do what I say, here's your list of this, do it, let's go. And it's me. And I don't even think it's called gentle parenting. It's just called I'm trying to get you to understand, and I'm also big on decision making, because that's another part for me. That communication point of I need you to be able to communicate with me your likes, don't likes, whys, and hows, because that also is gonna help you as an adult. I don't like when people expect their children to be able to make these grand decisions at 16, 17, and 18 when you gave them no voice for the beginning part of their life. So, how do you expect that kid to be able to say, This is what I like, this is what I don't like, this is what when you're saying no, you have to eat this and you have to do this? Like, where do you get to develop who you are as a person? Which I truly believe is why most adults spend that beginning 20s figuring out, like, who am I, what do I like, what do I don't like? Like, I know we evolve as people, but I feel like for a nice portion, children are not allowed to explore their likes, dislikes, because everything is like do what I say, then there's no conversation, and I don't think that is key for to bring thriving adults into this world. I think that's like I said, I think that's why in our 20s we really try to find ourselves like what do we like to eat? What do we like to do? You want them to go to college and make these decisions, but you've never given them the platform to do it. So that's where, and I try to talk to him, and he he agrees. He's one of the parents, like, she's not going out to stay without me. She can't go. So he he holds on to her tight. But for me, it's like, let's prepare her to go away. Let's prepare her for certain things. Like, most people are looking at it, oh, yeah, five, six, seven. Well, the habits you start forming at five, six, seven, eight are the habits you form in junior high and the habits you form in high school. And then essentially what you're going on for adult life. I'm not saying your child is not gonna change, they're gonna change, but I do feel like with more of our parenting style, she's getting the best of both worlds, and we're kind of preparing her for, you know, in my opinion, it's traditional sadness, traditional workflow setting. Like, do we say follow rules? I don't really think it's innovative, you know? Right. I think mine is more innovative. Like, let's get creative, let's figure out how to make this better or do this a little different. Um, so you're not just following instructions, being able to analyze how it can work better for you. So I do think she's getting the best of both worlds. We have not figured it out if anybody else has because I just think parenting is one of those things that are ever evolving, and we are ever evolving. You know, I hit 40 this year, he hit 40 this year, we're in a different place in our life. We have an eight-year-old. Okay. We're raising our kid in a different environment. So we didn't have tablets and zooms, and we didn't have that. Our fund was to go outside, play, come back in the house before the lights came on. There were no cell phones for your parents to reach out to you, the neighbor down the block knew where you were at and said your mama wants you home. Like, it's a different environment. So we're raising an AI coding generation kid. Um, and we're, of course, we've evolved, we've learned it, but it's not where we grew up at. And I think that's another part of the parenting journey where, yeah, your traditional values might not work over here. And you might see that my more inquisitive open dialogue, fluency, creative parenting is a little bit different. And I hate people call it gentle parenting. It is not gentle parenting. I just think it's inquisitive. You want your children to know the why, the how. And I get it. We've all been frustrated, like trying to get out the house, do something. I'll be like, come on, let's go. And she's like, wait, what are we doing? I have to take a step back. It's not her fault we're behind. Let's do this as we normally do. So I think a lot of times that also comes out of um overstimulated parenting, too. And people call it traditional. But I think it's a little bit of overstimulation where it's like, I can't deal with this right now. I just need you to do what I'm saying. And I think that's where a lot of that communication comes from. I don't necessarily think it's just like ingrained on this is how it should do. I think it's more so overstimulation that had never been addressed. And now you're always in a rush, you're always in a hurry, and just like, do this. I don't have time for this, I gotta get to something else. And I think that's where the traditional aspect derived from. And I really think it's the overstimulated parenting that never got addressed, or the person in general is just overwhelmed and has not addressed those issues.

SPEAKER_00 40:58

No, I love that. I love that explanation. It it gives it a different perspective, right? Um, because you're right, some people, some people get caught up in the gentle parenting versus like it's not, you're just you're just it's a different format or a different way of teaching them things. And you're absolutely right, because uh, you know, it's funny, like at times I'm kind of guilty of that. It's like I want my daughter to grow up so much, and so it's like some there are times where I gotta understand, hey, she's just she's just a toddler, she's just a toddler. And my wife is there to remind me sometimes, hey, she's just a toddler, you know. You it's it's she's you can't expect her to kind of just know everything up front. You have to kind of teach her how you want her to do things. And I think I'm kind of like your husband in a way. It's like, hey, I say do this, you do this, it ain't no back talking, ain't no no, like, because that's how I came up. You know, my mom told me to do something, and I did it, you know. And so I was gonna ask you, do you think it was based off of how your husband was raised? Because and it just kind of trickled down. Definitely. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 42:00

You know how many people say, I'm not gonna be like my parent and end up parenting just like their parents. Like, when you were a kid, just imagine all the stuff that you didn't like as a kid, and you're just like, Oh, I'm never gonna do that with my kid. And you do the same things with your kid. Yeah, it's just uh what you see, you can only parent based off what you know. You can try different things and of course be trying. But I truly think it's derived from how he was parented, how his mom parented him, and he's it kind of just went along the same way. I think we both kind of agree. Um we've come to the agreement on um like spankings and whoopings and stuff.

SPEAKER_00 42:34

See, I was gonna ask you, what what's your what is your perspective on father spanking their daughters? Like, how do you feel about that?

SPEAKER_03 42:41

That I totally disagree with that.

SPEAKER_00 42:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 42:43

I totally disagree with that. And the reason being is, you know, we raised our girls to say no man should ever put his hands on you. Okay. You should never allow anyone to put their hands on you. Um, and I just don't feel like that's the father's place, but I also don't feel like it's my place. I don't believe that whooping someone is a reaction for them as a punishment. Like, who says, and it doesn't teach them emotional intelligence. So we always get on kids for hitting and kicking when they get frustrated, but you're just doing the same thing. You got frustrated at their action, you don't know how to correct it, you don't know how to fix it. So your instinct is to whoop them because you're that upset, you're ready to whoop them. And that's the way that you think you're getting them in line. In reality, you just have no emotional regulation over your own feelings because it's no calculated reason for you to put your hands on another human being because you're upset. That is not okay. Basically, you're doing the same thing you're telling them not to do. There is no real reason why you should whoop your children. I have looked, I've searched, because people get on me like, Amanda, you should whip your kid a little spray. No. What am I whooping her for? What are you whooping her for? I and I strongly, even if I was to do disciplinarian, um, he talks to her, but I think I'm more of the I would say aggressive. I'm gonna use aggressive for that standpoint, meaning a little bit more stern. A lot more stern, only because. Um, I think he she she needs to see a the softer side of her dad, you know? I do want him to keep that softer side image. Me, she loves me. She's gonna always love mommy. That's my bestie. But I do feel like I can I buy with her a little bit more because we both are women. I know what it was like at certain stages and things, but I truly do not dis I strongly disagree with, especially a dad, whooping. Disciplining, meaning talking to, punishing, you got that, you know. But physical, putting your hands on her is an absolute no for me for um men. And my husband agrees the same way. Like they do the little taps, like you know, when you're little and you're out, and it's like don't go in there and it's tap, but it's like, what are you tapping the kid for? Like, what is this tap doing to that kid? But exacerbating the situation. So you didn't figure out you're upset, you're frustrating, and the first thing you do is hit. It's the same thing as little kids, except in an adult form. How can you expect them to implement emotional intelligence in their lives if us as adults don't have it? And I think a lot of times we don't like to address that. Like, you might not be, you might not have the same self-control that you think. Because nothing in my body, when she makes me upset, makes me say, let me hit you. I get frustrated, you know, just to be very honest. I can get frustrated. You know, you have a kid that, for instance, takes their clothes and sweatshirts and leaves them at school or camping, like, I keep telling you to bring your water bottle to bring this back. That's frustrating, but never have I thought to whoop her because of it. It's like, okay, what is what is the disconnect? What are you doing? It's like, well, I'm just playing and having fun, and now you're understanding why. So it's like, okay, before you start to play, how about you put your water bottle in your backpack? Let's give solutions. Let's not just because that that spanking or that that tongue lashing is not going to stop them from doing it.

SPEAKER_00 45:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:47

That doesn't correct the behavior. It it makes it easy for you to feel like you've done something, but it doesn't correct the anger the behavior at all. So no. No, and there are no circumstances, I think, a dad. Now, if we had a son, I'm not a man. So I'm very keen to tell everyone that I can't speak on raising a son. A, I don't have a son, but B, I'm not a man, you know? Um, and I'm not a black man. So I don't know what they need at this point, you know. I know the nurturing part, which is innate in me, I know the educational part, which is there, but I don't know the emotions and feelings that they might have. Um, I do know that men in general don't always open to express their feelings. So I don't personally know how to parent from a boy perspective, besides the nurturing, the love, you know, correction. But as far as the the discipline on what makes them tougher, because see, I don't have the the answers to that, and I'll be very open with that. I don't have that answer on that. But for my little girl, no, don't you're not gonna put no one she needs to know that no man on this earth should put hands on her because what does that do? You're mad at her and you hit her. So, does she think that every time she does something wrong that she's deserving of this? Like, it's just a lot that goes into it, and people don't like to say, oh, they'll get over it. No, that's how childhood trauma starts, or why so many people disconnect themselves from their families, and you got the generation now that everybody has disconnected from their family. I don't want to go around this auntie, this uncle, this, this. So let's just stop it there by having creative dialogue with your child. I'm sure you'll figure out more about your kid if you talk to them versus whooping them, just to be honest.

SPEAKER_00 47:24

No, I love that. I love that. Um, I that's the same way with me and Destiny. It's like in our marriage, we both came to the understanding of, look, I'm not gonna put my hands on her. I want my voice to be enough. I want her to hear my voice and be like, you know, okay, daddy means business. And not that I'm just like trying to just like overpower her with my voice, but I want my voice to speak volumes versus, you know, me actually putting my hands on her. So we have that same understanding as well. I'm not gonna whoop her, I'm not gonna do that. Um, some families have different ways of doing it, and that's fine. But for me, it's like I'm going to make sure that I give her the example that you're right, like no man should be putting their hands on you, and you know, I'm just gonna talk, and you know, hopefully my voice will carry weight and let let you know Destiny be the more of the disciplinarian as far as that goes.

SPEAKER_03 48:20

Um Yeah, that frustrates me because his voice holds a lot of weight. Yeah, and I sit there and I can talk, talk, talk. He comes in, and it's not even an aggressive like tone, it's more so like it's daddy. Yeah, and I was just like I'm with you all day doing this. How is it? But what I will say is that that presence is there, and I'm somebody who was raised and my dad is still alive, like in the house with my dad. I do see that, like I never feared my father, but I definitely have the utmost respect for my dad. And he never even him or my mother ever put their hands on us. But after my mom passed, I realized that too. Like, I used to say, Oh, my mom is so mean, my dad is so cool. And come to find out, he was just giving directives. It wasn't, he was they because they had that understanding, like, you know what, we got two girls, I'm gonna let you handle that. But it was a conversation had between the two, and she just, you know, implemented what they discussed. And I love that teamwork part. It's not even a bad cop, good cop. It's I'm a daddy's girl through and through, heart to heart. That is that is my first love, you know. I feel like he taught me how I should be treated, and as we continue on through life, I still look to him for guidance, and he gives me wisdom. Even in my marriage, he'll tell me, like, Amanda, you need to, you know, back off, or that's his kid too. So I respect him so much, and I think that's what I know is happening with my daughter, and it brings me great joy because we both collectively on that that one issue, we both agree. You you're not gonna put your, you know, you're not gonna spank her, and I'm gonna handle more of the authoritative discipline. And you of course he corrects her, but it's not for sure, you know, it's not to what hey, I do mainly because I'm here, you know. He works outside the home. I work from home, so when she comes home from school, I'm more of the primary person that does the the thing, so she sees me a lot more with the don't do this, you have to do this. And she just like, you a tyrant mommy, but it works because she goes to school and her teacher's like, she's the most organized person. Her desk is so organized, she gets the kids together, she helps all the kids, and she comes back. I love this. I'm just like my mom. And I'm like, see, I told you a little order does not her.

SPEAKER_00 50:32

I wonder where she gets that from.

unknown 50:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:37

You know, I know you mentioned obviously that you guys don't spank her. Um, what about pops? Do you give her any pops or anything?

SPEAKER_03 50:43

Or okay, when she was little, she I used to probably give her a tap. And that's only because they were like, you should just do and I and I tried it a couple times. It's like no.

unknown 50:51

Okay. No.

SPEAKER_03 50:52

Um, because like I found it it made the situation worse. Especially if we were out. It's like if you try to pop, like I I sometimes parents to look at their kids and be like, I'm gonna get you, and they'll just, you know, like sit up, like it just be straight. It didn't work in our household. She knows for a fact that we're not going to whoop her. And I don't think it makes her do things that's wrong, but I do think honestly that she has a comfort and a place of peace.

unknown 51:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 51:18

Um, some people look at it as as if we are doing something that allows her to feel like she has free reign.

SPEAKER_04 51:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 51:23

It doesn't. She actually does know how to act in public very well. Um, we don't really have to do the popping and the scaring because she knows what to do. Um, I do think that it's more so instilling certain values versus trying to um reactively deal with certain situations. Um, and then I'm the parent that feels like, like you said, you have a collar. So when my daughter was little, I knew, okay, we're in a sleepy time period. She's acting like this not because she's this kid, she's tired, you know? So I started to really be able to determine what her needs were at that time. And I think that was a big plus for me. Because if you, oh, you need to act right, you have to consider what your child is going through. That's just like me as an adult. I have those overstimulated days. I have those days where everything just seems a little off. Um that doesn't mean that, you know, sometimes my actions, I have emotional intelligence on how to control it. But at one point in my life, it's like, why is she so moody? Why is she so irritable? I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I've had three hours of sleep. So imagine a kid that's up during their nap window, um, or they're out a little later. You got your children out at the movies with you at 10 o'clock at night, and you're wondering why they don't want to sit through the movie. It's not because they don't have the capacity to, it's because you've taken them out of a cycle that their body is used to and you expect them to behave in a way that allows them to power through. Um, and that's why I don't think of tapping and stuff works because you have to look at what the situation is or the circumstances that it's creating this environment for them in the beginning. And you don't want to exacerbate. So now it's like I can't even have a feeling because I'm gonna get popped on my hand. Like, I don't I try to think 20 steps forward, and sometimes it's not that deep, but sometimes just before you make a decision like that, I just try to assess the situation. Has she had a nap? What has she done all day? Sometimes we've been to three different activities and she's been to school. I can't, she's irritable. She's tired, she's ready to go. Of course it's not disrespect, she's not yelling, but if she's a little bit more moody, like, I'm just tired. Who would I do? You are tired. You are okay to be tired. I have people say kids can't be tired. Kids can't be, no, they are kids, they are humans, but they have feelings too. And I try to always tap into her feelings. I don't look at her as just, you're a kid. Okay. People think kids are like wolverine, like they heal so quick. Like, no, they're a kid. And they're the ones who really don't have, in my opinion, the mental capacity to always deal with overload. And we don't consider that when we are talking and dealing with our kids. And it's a little frustrating for me because I do see people grab their children up by their arm or I told you don't touch that and pop, pop, pop. If you see something bright and shiny and you're a kid, that's a natural reaction. Now, yes, I agree they need to be able to follow a certain protocol, but popping them is not gonna help. If someone can tell me what it does, then I will agree. And again, everybody's household is different. For my household, that doesn't work. But if somebody else's household is structured differently, that might work for them. And I'm okay for figuring out what works for your household. That I know in mine and my child and learning my child, that doesn't. And that also to me breaks down to learning your child. Like I said, you might know your child, your child might need that. In my household, my child doesn't. I don't look at you as a bad parent or you've done anything wrong because guess what? That works in your household. I just hope that you are taking the steps necessary to ensure that is the type of correction your child needs.

SPEAKER_00 54:47

So versus just operating off of like, yeah, yeah. No, I get it. Speaking of activities, you you know, I I know we were talking about earlier how your daughter was involved in a lot of activities. Do you think that okay, so obviously you made a decision to dial back her activities because she was just going hard and stuff. Was the re do you think, well, it's a two-part question. The first part is, do you think that her being in so many activities kind of affected your bond with her, your relationship with her? Or was it a situation where you just chose to dial back her activities because you felt like she was just overwhelmed and the that it was starting to get overbearing for her? So the first part is, did that have an effect on your relationship? And the second part of the question is, why why did you choose to dial it back?

SPEAKER_03 55:42

So I don't think it had an effect on our relationship. Especially together when she was younger, it was a lot of mommy and me classes. So it was a lot of bonding. Oh, okay. And then she got older, it was like she went in, but she really enjoyed it. And it was the hour that because she is the only child. So for my with her being the only child, she's like, I don't want to be here bored with you all day. You know, it's only so many Barbies you can play with your kid. But she's like, I want another child. So those activities helped her. Um, and then when she got out, we'll do like little cute ice cream dates, or we'll come home and make homemade pizza, or we'll do something. So I don't think it affected that at all. But the true reason I did it was because it was becoming overwhelming for me. Okay, it's you know, we don't talk about the mother. I will go above and beyond for my child, but also I feel like you can't be great at a million things. You know, we're doing four to five activities in one season. She can't focus, you know, unless they kind of lead to each other. So let's just say, for instance, she does cheer now. We stuck with cheer and tumbling. Why? Because tumbling is necessary for her cheer. So it's like a compound kind of thing, and then we do strength training. Um, she loves swim, but I think a lot of parents feel like once your child knows how to swim, that's it. No, I want her to be able to swim in deep water, so we kind of kept that. Recently, she has taken a liking to tennis and golf. We're not doing both of those. You know, we we not. I love that she loves stuff, but I did say, you know what, to keep us together, I found someone that's gonna do mommy and me golf lessons. Golf is something also that I want to like get good at and do. So we're gonna take those classes together. But to be honest, no, I think it strengthens us, but I do think we look at our kids and she also gets overwhelmed. You know, and then I'm one of those people, once you commit, you have to finish it through. And that also is taxing for a person. She'll go to school all day, then we go to this activity, we go to this activity. What I did find is though, even though we bonded in between the car rides, as she got older, we didn't have much of that nighttime. You know, every night we would sit together and read 20 minutes. I'll read my book, she'll read her book, we'll be in bed together, we'll have a little face mask or someone. Just something cute for us to do together. And with her doing so many activities, it started to cut into that like uninterrupted phone time. No, this. No, I did notice that. Um, and then it started to be when we couldn't do that, it's like, mommy, can you, you know, cuddle with me at night? So I would then go in her room and just, you know, lay with her until she falls asleep, um, which is something I noticed she started to do when we weren't able to do that 20 minutes after bath time before she actually went to bed. Um, and I think that's cues and stuff you need to pick up on too. Um, what your child needs at that moment. And a lot of times parents say, oh, just close the door. And can you lay with me? And I realize that that can you lay with me means I miss you a little bit. Can you? Can you stay with me? And she's eight. So people are like, oh, she should grow out of that. She wants her mommy. She loves her mommy. She's eight. You know, she's not an adult. And I think we try to put those things on our children and we want them to be great, right? We want them to join activities. We want them to get, you know, some parents talk about I need to get a college scholarship in this or I need to do this. And we're planning so far ahead. And we're telling them what they should be doing at this time, and this time we're filling up their schedule. And I do believe in keeping your child busy and active, but I also understand as an adult now the importance of downtime. From a person who does not have downtime, I understand the importance, you know, even a day off on work, and she might be at my mother-in-law's house, and me and my husband just lay in bed just a little longer. I just feel different. I feel better. And I'm looking like that's her too. It was days we used to get up at nine o'clock so she can go to a private tumbling lesson, and then after that, we'll go to a swim class. And then after that, like, nobody wants to do all of that. So I had to kind of make our schedule so I mean I figured out how to do it, but we don't do weekend activities. All of her stuff is during the week. Some parents try to, because they work, I have the flexibility in my household to be able to, after she is out of school, to take it to her activities, and that's what I do. I take it her activities. Um, and then that leaves us our Saturday and Sundays to us. So if we want to sleep in, we can sleep in. If we have some other stuff, we can have it. But I didn't want her to have to go to school five days a week and then do all these activities, the other two. So I tried to make it to where, okay, we might have a longer day here. But I tell you, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and plus that's my time for me. Let's just say one of her amazing grandmothers wants to say, Hey, I want her for the weekend. Who am I to take that away from you? Oh, she has an activity. No, go ahead and do it. Yeah. So I think it's for mental sanity for all of us. I do agree. Keep your children involved, keep them active. Keep them, even if it's one thing, keep them active. Because guess what? They can still practice that at home for 20 or 30 minutes a day. Be it an instrument. I do think you should, and this is just my personal opinion, figure out what they like. Right now, my daughter has a show interest in engineering, um, golf and tennis, and an instrument. If you can try to do one instrument, if they like sports, don't push your children to do sports, but make them try it, like an organized sport.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:51

An instrument. And then let them pick up a hobby. What do you like to do? You know, my daughter loves art. Okay, you want to go take a pottery making class? We don't have to do it every day, you know? But maybe this weekend we can go learn how to make pottery this weekend. Or we make a rug one day. Like, you don't have to make everything so I have to do something, they have to do something every week. Like, pick up on their hobbies and find stuff that kind of sows into that. Buy them things at home that they can do at home, you know, on their own free time and that you can do with them for bonding. So to circle back, Noah didn't take away from my bonding, but I did notice that it was very overwhelming for her and for myself. And the whole thing is in a healthy balance in our house. Now it might not work for some people. Some people still think I do too much, but for me and my child, because she is the only child, it's better for us so she can be engaged with other children, but also so I can allow her to see what she likes and does not like, and we kind of hoin in, which I think we're at right now. I had one of my friends say, I'm giving you one year. Because she was in everything. She has a teenager, she has a college age kid and a teenager. I'm giving you one year. Figure out what that girl likes, and put her only in that. And I didn't understand it at the time until we started to keep evolving, and I'm like, I see what she meant. I see what she meant.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:11

So that's awesome. That is awesome. I love that. I love that perspective, and I love how you know you made a decision to dial it back because some parents, they like you said, they want their kids to overexcel, they want them to over-succeed, and so they're gonna put them in as many things as possible. But it's good that you recognize that you felt like it was overwhelming her, and you're like, okay, you know what? I'm not gonna do this at the expense of just trying to have her be excellent, everything. I'm gonna take her feelings and what she's going through into consideration, even being the age that she is, you know, I'm gonna take it into consideration. So I love how you made that choice to be like, you know what, no, no, no, we're not gonna do this. I'm gonna dial it back. We're not gonna have you out here just doing all these things and tiring yourself out, and then now you're not focusing on school or everything else is becoming a distraction. So I love that perspective. Really do. Um, you started creating content, and your content was built on helping mothers who are going through it right now. Maybe they're disorganized, maybe they're not structured enough. And so you decided to make a IG page, and your content is centering around helping mothers and assisting them with being more structured, being more organized to help them better navigate not only parenting, but being a wife and being more structured at home. And what inspired you to make that content and what is your ultimate goal with the content?

SPEAKER_03 1:03:40

Um, it started with parenting without a mother. That's the first thing. Um, my mother's deceased, she's been deceased for like 10 years now. So, you know, you don't have that community that I'd had. And then two, it's no playbook to this.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:54

You know, everybody tells you you should be doing this. I had so many people telling me what I needed to do and what I should do and what it should look like, and nothing looked like that for me. Yeah, nothing was happening like that. And I really wanted to make sure stop trying to fit into this mold. You know, let's let's share tips, let's share secrets, but the ultimate goal is for you to figure out what works best for your household. Stop trying to create this Pinterest lifestyle. And I say it's this this mood board, this orchestrated that my child has to look like this and my house has to look like this, and the dinner needs to look like this. What does your child like? What works best for you and your husband? How do you all ensure that you still stay connected? How do you ensure your child is thriving? Don't look at this person over here and try to mimic their life and try to, you know, copy and paste. What is it that works for you? Um, I know this most people probably would never realize, but the D in my logo is backwards. My husband came up with that concept. And I say it because organized doesn't mean everything is in the right order or the right place. You know, you have to figure out what works best for you. You need to learn to operate in chaos and be adaptable. Nothing is always going to be a hundred percent correct as a parent. I call myself, I have an experiment child.

unknown 1:05:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:13

She's my one and only. I don't know what I'm doing. You know, I know what I'm doing best for her, but I'm no one's expert, and I don't think there is an expert on parenting. I don't. I cannot say anyone is an expert because someone can have 10 kids and every kid could be completely different. I feel like parenting is an ever-evolving station in life where you need to be open to new ideas and figuring out what works best for your child. Because a lot of people put this cookie cutter you do this, you do this, you do this, you know. And not saying don't implement those, but see how it should fit in your household. You can implement these things into your household, but make sure that you figure out how to implement them and what is best for you and yours. So for me, I want to share what kind of foods my toddler was eating and how you can kind of sneak those veggies in, or how you can make them food be more creative, like we used to. To make pinwheel peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and certain things that just like, oh, this is fun, let me try it. And we used to do activities and at-home projects you can do with your children that allow you, if you do work from home, to still be able to engage with your child while still keeping up with your job, or if you have to go to the grocery store how to make grocery shopping fun. So I used to have to create this amazing, like um, it's like a scavenger hunt for kids, and it was pictures at the time because she couldn't read. She was like two or three. So I used to have in the grocery store with me, you know, she knew certain words like apple and stuff, but she didn't know cucumber and all this other stuff. So I did this picture, like scavenger hunt, and that was her grocery list, and she helped me grocery shop. Not only is she learning that, but it also had the words under it. So now you're learning to read this word, and this word is apple. You're seeing the apple, you're doing it. And this is how we kind of got through some everyday ordinary tasks. And I say that to say that you just have to, I wanted to encourage parents that we can make anything enjoyable. Parenting can be enjoyable. I just want you to make sure you're aware of how you can make that enjoyable for you. And I know me having one kid is different than people having multiple children, but you can do it with multiple children. Do the open kids and just have the words for them. And those could be their sight words, you know, add in fish or whatever those are. Here go your sight words. Let's take them to the grocery store, you know. Um, so I just wanted to encourage parents. I wanted them to figure out what their mode was, what was best for them. That's essentially what I wanted to do. I wanted to create a platform where people don't feel like everything is so aesthetically pleasing. Because you know what I'm saying, parenting's not aesthetically pleasing. Right. I just got back into the groove of me and balance. Everything was about sewing into my husband and my daughter. And really, it was my daughter. And I'm very transparent, the husband came on the back burner. That's not effective for a good successful relationship. So then you have to figure out how to balance that in. But then I wasn't getting anything. So then you have to figure out how all three parties in this household can be happy and we can all work as a team. And when you start looking in that magnitude and figuring out what works for you, like everybody's husband's personality is different, everybody's child personality is different. So I kind of took those nib bits and those tips, and I'm like, here, this is what's working for me. Now see if you can implement this or figure out what. And if it's just a question of why or how, you can then get your wheels turning and say, maybe I could, let me see, what should I do? How can I do this? What can make morning routine a little bit easier? What can I do at night? Like, you don't have to take my night routine, you don't have to take my morning routine. But maybe you realizing that, hey, maybe I should switch out my routine will encourage you to do something different to make your household more effective. And that's essentially what I was trying to do, and I hope I still am, is encouraging moms and dads to figure out their routines and figure out their structures and learn their children and provide other things that they could be doing, ideas that you might not have thought of.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:53

Yeah, I love it. And the thing, the great thing about that is you're not, like you said, you're not trying to run nobody's household, but you can give them some nuggets to where they can take away here, there, because you're right, there is no playbook for this. Um and with me being a first-time dad and my daughter being 21 months old, I am a sponge. I'm soaking everything in, you know, because I don't have, I don't have, you know, I didn't have the example from my father on how to be a father, you know. So I'm completely going at this thing blind. And, you know, there's been times where I feel like I was doing a good job. There's been times where I question, hmm, am I am I being good enough? You know what I mean? Um, the organization, the structure, how I'm parenting, all of that goes into play. Just my relationship with or my marriage, how is that affected by, you know, the the child and everything. So I love how you do this type, do this type of content because you're right. Like if I could take a nugget here, a nugget there, I mean, that's gonna make my life so much more better. And again, you know, everything may not be for everybody. Everything you say is not gonna be every everything you do is not gonna be for everybody. All every video that you post is not gonna be for everybody, but there are certain things that you're gonna come down somebody's lane. You know, you're gonna come down somebody's street. And I just love how you're impacting other mothers. I love how you're striving to be that person that could be like, you know what, maybe if you take one or two things, this is what helped me in my situation. You know, this is what helped me in my life. And so I just love how you're you're creating this and you've been given a platform, you've been given a vision, and you're executing it, and it's just it's just great to see. I love your videos.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:42

I thank you for that. I feel I just wanted to come, I don't want nobody to feel judged. That's the biggest thing with me, too.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:47

Don't feel judged.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:48

I think we are so key to everybody feels so like they are pressed and judged as parenting. I don't want everybody to feel judged. Like it might work for me, it might not work for you. What you do might not work for me, but I want everybody to know that regardless, at the end of the day, give yourself grace. Yeah, know that you're doing the best you can, you know? For sure. You're doing the best you can, and I think that word grace is key for all of us because I'm I hope I'm doing good. I hope she's great. You know, everybody can say, Oh, she's a great kid, you're doing great. Um, but if you measure academics and other stuff, okay, you can say on the metrics, she's a great parent. But how is she doing emotionally? How is she doing this? So I just try to stay ahead of the I think I'm really in touch with my emotions and feelings, and that's because I was raised by a mother who was really like keen on feelings and emotions and making sure that they were understood. Okay. Um, and I don't think, and she always gave us a voice, she always empowered us, you know, to have a voice, me and my sister. So I think that that's another part, and it goes back to a pre- you know, early in the conversation we said parenting sometimes trickle down from what you learn from your parents. And I think I'm just doing a 4.0 version of what my parents did for me.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:00

I love it. I love it. Well, I'm gonna get you out of here on this last question. Uh, let's say you're talking across the table to 20-year-old Amanda, and she's struggling. Um, she's not organized, she's not structured, she has a kid, maybe even two kids. She's trying to navigate this thing. She's in the trenches right now, she's being pulled every every way possible, and she comes to you for one piece of advice to help her navigate, help her get a little bit more structured, a little bit more organized, help her to get out of her situation. Maybe this one piece of advice could just steer her in the right direction, and then everything could trickle from there. What's that one piece of advice that you would give her?

SPEAKER_03 1:12:39

You know what? Every time I I get asked that I have a different answer because it always elevates.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:45

So honest. And I think of recently, just from what has been transpired, it is not that bad. You are doing a great job. Take a step back. You are doing great. Give yourself some grace. It will not always be like this. It will get better, but you're doing an amazing job. It is really not as bad as you think. Like, I think going back, I used to think like, oh my god, this is so horrible. And it wasn't even that bad. You know? It's just that I have to get out of my own way. And that's what I just want the 21-year-old myself to know. Get out of your own way. It starts with one second, one moment, one hour, one day. Stop trying to plan out the entire trajectory of your child's life in infancy. Let them grow. Everything will be better as time goes on. Um, I think that uh I think I spoke to you this about this earlier. I really tried hard to plan out my child's future. And since she was like 18, and it's just like, don't do it. Take it every second, every moment, every minute, every hour, and really make sure that you know it's not that bad. You're doing a great job. Figure out what to do in this season. Let's fix this season. Let's not worry about the seasons ahead. You're, you know, by taking that toy away, you're not harming them at all, you know. You gotta know what you need to do. So I really, really, really wholeheartedly just want to tell myself, give yourself some grace. You're not doing a bad job, you're doing an amazing job. Take a step back and just admire the blessings that you have and live in that moment and stop trying to rush time. Because I think when you feel like you don't have enough time, you just, okay, the house isn't organized. This is just one day at a time, one room at a time, one activity at a time, one task at a time. Take it once at a time. We try to run instead of just realizing it's the tortoise run the race. I don't think people realize that. The tortoise run the race. We it's not who's getting to point A, point B faster. It's who takes the time and attention to strategically make that foundation. Focus on your foundation. I promise you you'll be okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:52

It's not a race, it's a marathon.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:54

It is definitely a marathon. Stop trying to be get to the finish line first and more focus on the journey on that marathon. And I'm telling you, you'll be okay. I have to learn it. I feel great about it. It makes me feel great as a mom. It lets me know even when I don't feel like I've done my best, because I have to come back and correct myself. Like, okay, Mandy, you need to do this different or handle this different. Um, stop trying to get to the finish line. Focus on the journey, and that has been a game changer. This marathon of parenting is amazing. It can be romanticize it. Because you're gonna miss some dirty diapers, you're gonna miss some early wake-up calls, you're gonna you're gonna miss the the try new food stage. You're gonna miss the first time they go to the beach, you're gonna miss the when they come and just run and hold hold on you. You're gonna miss that. You're gonna miss all of that. Because right now, I miss being able to hold my daughter. I can't hold her like as a baby. I used to be able to go in her room and still scoop her up. I tried that the other day.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:53

It didn't work. Nah, nah.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:57

Just take that marathon appearant and enjoy it.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:00

I love it. Wow, this was good. This was really good. Thank you for just giving us your perspective and talking us through your journey. And I've definitely been helped by this. I mean, and just just you saying, you know, slow down. I mean, I needed that. I needed that. I needed to hear that. So I I can appreciate that because I'm I'm I'm trying to rush things and I'm trying to figure out I'm already thinking about prom and all this and all that.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:28

I'm like, no, not prom. But I will say you start to think about it, like, especially seeing the stuff online, you're like, ooh, I gotta get a helicopter next. What do I have to get? I gotta, I gotta rent out the staple, the stadium for the boo. Like, what do I have to do to make this in a great occasion?

SPEAKER_00 1:16:45

So I And she ain't even two yet.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:47

Yeah, you gotta slow it down. That was me. You gotta slow it down.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:50

Yeah, no fun.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:51

Planning a future before it gets there is gonna be us. But I tell you this the fact that you're there and the fact that you're thinking about their future is is already enough to say that you you got this.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:00

Yeah, yeah. Well, thanks again. And uh make sure you guys are following us on IG where we post reels for the episode. If you can't watch us, you can listen to us wherever you get your podcast at flip that switch. So whether you're watching or you're listening, make sure you're tapping in with us. And Amanda, again, good luck. I'm gonna still continue to watch your videos because I need to take some notes and I need some nuggets, and I know it's for mothers, but I'm gonna be watching too still.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:26

No, it's for dads too. Come on.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:29

So, yeah, so just continue to keep doing what you're doing and uh definitely appreciate the content. And I know I'm inspired by it. My wife is inspired by it, and we just love what you're doing, so keep doing it, all right.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:39

I appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me. This is so great, and your show is so great. So I do thank you for giving me this opportunity.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:46

Absolutely. And we're gonna see y'all for the next episode, and we're out. Peace.