Episode 89: Janelly Farias

Janelly Farias, an Emmy Award-winning soccer commentator, came to Vanderbilt to speak to the women’s soccer team and the ‘Fútbol-Soccer: Culture, Gender, and Diaspora’ course taught by Prof. Celso Castilho. A former professional soccer player and Mexican National Team member Janelly is the author of a new memoir, “Surviving Women’s Soccer.” She writes candidly about lifelong mental health struggles, coming out as a lesbian athlete, taking on unjust systems in NCAA & Mexican pro soccer, and a near-death experience on a reality TV show. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

All right, welcome back to On the Ball, the podcast series from the Vanderbilt Sports and Society initiative. I'm Andrew Marinus, and today I am so excited that Janelle Farias is here with us. She's been on the Vanderbilt campus all day. And I apologize that we're having to do this podcast interview at the end of a long day. But it's been a fantastic day from my perspective. And so the first question I want to ask you, Janelle, is what's this day been like for you? You know, you're here, and we'll talk more about your background in the book that you've written. But um so far today, you spoke to our women's soccer team here at Vanderbilt. Uh, you just got done five minutes ago speaking to a class that is built around soccer with the fantastic professor Celso. Uh let me show your book to the video here, Surviving Women's Soccer. Uh just came out a couple of weeks ago. So, this I imagine is one of your first times to get out there and really be around people um to talk about the book. What's the day been like for you?

SPEAKER_01 1:04

It's been uh this is actually a phrase I quoting directly from my book. Uh it's been overwhelmingly beautiful. Like it's been a lot to take in because, like you said, this is like the first, my first experience being able to talk in depth about my book. Um, but I think the timing was just perfect. I know we had, you know, talked about uh having this visit since last year and we didn't make it happen until now, but I think uh life uh put us in the perfect place at the right time. Um, and it's been it's been great. It's so cool to be in a space where I'm allowed to share my story and people, there are people that actually want to listen and people that are invested, like you. Like you've been like so just welcoming since before I even got here, Professor Telso. The same. The students I've been able to interact with, um, other faculty, the the women's soccer team. Uh, it's just it's really, really cool. I'm happy. And I think I've only been here for a day, but it just in this day, I feel like I'm able to grasp kind of like the type of environment that you all have here at Vanderbilt. And it I feel it's a very positive, energy, goal-oriented, like good human beings, and this is this is what it's all about.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Oh, that's awesome to hear as somebody that loves this place, you know, and uh I feel like we're already making plans to bring you back to campus. So hopefully this is only the first of many times that you're here. Um, but your book is called Surviving Women's Soccer. And in reading the book, and I read it in one sitting last night, it's a fantastic book. Um, there's so much that you have survived, you know, whether it's multiple injuries and surgeries in soccer, whether it's uh growing up in a house that wasn't always um peaceful, or uh a father that didn't even want you to play soccer, um, the you write openly about uh issues of anxiety and mental health that you've dealt with. Um you're best known in many circles for having come out, you know, and um as a lesbian soccer player and the uh difficulties, and especially in some environments that you've played in uh in Mexico, um social media, the good and the bad of that you've survived, um, teams where um coaches or the way the teams were administered was uh not the most ethical in your mind. You've always been courageous to speak out in these circumstances. You've never quit. You know, so as the book says, you you survived it all. But I feel like um in hearing you today, it takes a lot of um uh a lot out of someone to sort of bear this story to the world. First of all, to put it on the page, second of all to get out there and talk about it uh to strangers, um, to educate them, but also in some respects to entertain them, you know, with a book or with an hour of getting to hear you speak. But it sounds like that's why you did it was to connect with other people. And so as difficult as it might have been to um to tell this story, it really gives you a sense of purpose to having done it. I wondered if you could talk more about um we'll and we'll get into the details of your life, but like why it was important for you to put this story out there publicly.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

You said it perfectly. It uh it gives me a purpose. Um when I also that was a great summary of my book. Like that was like you took in like every single aspect of it, and that makes me very, very happy. Um but when I initially decided to write this book, um there were moments when once I was like close to you know the final parts of the editing process, I would question whether I was actually going to put it out there or not. I thought, no, and then I would have days where I'd said, of course I'm going to do this, I'm committed to doing it, and then I would have days, just like every other aspect of my life where I questioned whether it was the right decision or not, because of how uh vulnerable I was going to be. But with everything that I've lived, I thought if I can overcome and survive every single battle that I faced, this is not going to be any different. And the only way to to continue making an impact is, you know, putting stories like these out there because there are so many people that can identify with even the smallest detail in in my story. And I I like to refer to it as a just a memoir, uh a collection of the moments that had the most impact in my life and the moments that I think can really resonate with people from all walks of life.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

There are so many places to start, you know, like telling your story without giving away the whole book, but it seems to for in reading the book and hearing you speak that a lot of times things come back to family ultimately. So could you give us a sense of what it was like growing up uh in your family? And I think to some degree, like experiencing things that that weren't fair uh maybe fueled your lifelong passion for uh speaking out and trying to write wrongs.

SPEAKER_01 6:33

Definitely. I grew up in a very sexist machista culture that is a Mexican culture, and my household, even though I was born and raised in California, it was just very Mexican in every aspect from you know the food to the language to speaking Spanish to the norms and the the conditions and the expectations set on you know different genders and what was expected of me. Um it was really, really, really hard growing up because even though my family to a certain like extent was always there physically, they weren't there emotionally. Like it within my culture, there are it's not normal to talk about anything that's bad or or or any negative emotion. It's just uh you have to keep pushing through and and that's it. And you don't complain and you don't this and you don't you're not allowed to feel or cry or yell or anything because it's just that's not what you're supposed to do, especially not as a as a young Mexican girl. And it was you know, a place where my dad had the final say, where whatever my dad said was the way things were going to go. And uh my mom was also um a victim of that machismo. Like she didn't know any better, so she would impose the same things on me, like you're going to uh wear a dress and wear a skirt and you're going to marry a guy, and a man is going to support you financially, and you're going to be a housewife, and you're going to be, you're going to have kids because that's your only role in life. And here comes Jannelli, four-year-old girls like, uh-uh, hold up. No, that that doesn't seem right. Like I always felt like I think when something's not right in the world and in our lives, I think our gut and our heart tells us. But very few people listen to that because it's hard. Because the easy thing to do is to just go with the flow and do what everybody else is doing. And since I was little, I I tried to listen to that that part in in my heart and in my gut that told me, like, you know, if something's not just, you can do something about it. It just took me some time to build the courage to to finally speak up. And I don't even know if I answered your question.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

And from a soccer standpoint, like here you are, someone that played uh for the Mexican national team, you played collegiately here in the US and in England, you played uh in professionally in Europe, you've played at the highest level of soccer, but if you had listened to your your daddy never would have played soccer at all, right? He told you you couldn't play, even though your brothers could.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

That's right. Um just everyone in my culture and my family was like, no, girls don't play soccer. If I had listened to them, I wouldn't be sitting here with you today. I don't know where I would be. I am very grateful that I didn't take their no as the final answer. And that's not something that's that's easy to do. It's it's very, very, very hard because we live in a world that decides our lives before we're even born. Uh especially within the Mexican culture, it's it's hard. It's really hard. Um, but I'm grateful that I always listened to to what I wanted to do. I I believe that the only yes you need in this world is your own. And when you say yes to yourself, everything else just kind of starts to flow in your direction as long as you're working towards what it is that you really want in life. And I know it's not the last time somebody's going to tell me no. It's something that I still experience in in my life and in my career and in the in the industry. It's still very hard. It's there's still a lot of spaces that are not safe where sexism and machismo dominate. Um, but I know that there's a way. I know that if one person speaks up for the good, it's contagious and it's going to uh impact people around you and and eventually has like a positive domino effect.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

When you were a kid and sort of battling for the right to even play the game, like what did you love about soccer? Why was it something that was worth fighting for?

SPEAKER_01 11:05

It's a really cool question. I don't think anybody's ever asked me what I loved about soccer when I was, you know, at the start of my of my career at just four or five years old. I don't know. I I think I can't explain it with words. It's just something that I felt and that I feel. It just felt right. It just felt good, it just made me happy. And whenever I was running around the field with the ball at my feet, I just felt so free, like I could be myself. And in every other aspect of my life, I didn't feel that. I I didn't have like a safe space. And I feel like uh soccer is a place that doesn't discriminate, that anybody anywhere around the world from any background can play. And that's what just constantly drove me to it. And even in moments where I lost the love for soccer, there was always something that drove me back to it.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

And so um, you know, soccer's been a part of your life since you were little, but also um anxiety has been a part of your life since you were little too. Um, and you write a lot about uh the places that took you the um journey to learning how to live with it. I think I experienced a similar anxiety. For me, it's and they call it anticipatory, you know, and it's like worrying about something so far in advance, and then when it actually arrives, it's not it's not a good idea. It's not a big deal, right? And I got the sense that was something that you've experienced too. But um, for those who haven't read the book yet, can you talk about how this uh impacted your day-to-day life?

SPEAKER_01 12:47

Definitely. So I've struggled with anxiety since I can remember, but obviously I didn't when I was growing up, I couldn't put a name to it because I didn't know it existed because it was taboo within the Mexican culture. And when I got to to college and I was advised by um my coach at the time, Scott Juniper, who's still the head coach at UC Irvine, you know, to get help. It was like, what do you mean get help for what? You know, and that was when I was first introduced to mental health as something that can actually be um worked through, something real, something like that is in our everyday lives. And I went to get professional help and I was diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder and panic disorder, and it was like, huh, I'm not crazy. My family's been telling me my whole life that I that I'm crazy, and I'm not. This this is real. What I'm feeling has meaning. And through the the years, it affected me in every single aspect of my life, um, from my social, personal relationships to school to uh performance anxiety on the soccer field to performance anxiety. Um as a as a broadcaster now, it's still something that affects me. Uh, something as simple as like, you know, being here with you and giving it an interview. It's like there's always some level of anxiety behind it all. Um, there's a level of anxiety to just, you know, waking up and going about my day. It's like some days I wake up and it's like I have no external pressures and I still feel this anxiety. Like, why? And it's because I finally understand that yes, there's an environmental component and yes, there's a social component, but there's also uh a biological genetic component that affects me. And being aware of all of these things has allowed me to cope in a positive way. And I'm very grateful for the people along the way that have helped me see that. And I'm grateful that I had the courage to eventually ask for help. And funny what you were saying about uh this like anticipatory anxiety. Um, I have this, I have this reminder in my phone. Um, and it's like a daily reminder, and it says, you worry too much for somebody that always figures it out because it's a reality. Like when I look back at all the things that I've struggled and the things that have worried me and all of my fears, I'm like, I have a 100% survival rate. I've survived every single one of those difficult moments, and I'm here and I'm okay, and I'm in a way thriving and still connecting and still um, you know, choosing myself and loving myself and being able to love other people too. And it's just it's fascinating the way mental health works and anxiety, and it's so it's something that's so universal too, and we don't think about it, and it's like it's okay. It's okay to not be okay. You're going to find a way to figure it out. And if you don't figure it out, that's okay too. Like life goes on.

SPEAKER_00 15:53

We'll talk about this a little bit more in the later in the interview, but 100% survival rate when you actually did die at one point.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

I did, you were brought back to life. I forget about that.

SPEAKER_00 16:04

Right? Yeah, and and yeah, okay, so you know, you're told you shouldn't play soccer. There are certain expectations. And, you know, you've you've mentioned a few of the elements to family life that you tried to um uh transcend, but you also were really proud of your Mexican heritage, also, and considered yourself more Mexican than American for a while as as a kid, right? Or um, but another expectation that you broke was um that you liked girls, you know, and uh that probably wasn't going to be accepted in your your household. It wasn't. So um at what point did you understand that that's who you were, and how did you uh broach that with your family and your your friends?

SPEAKER_01 16:50

It was very difficult to like navigate who I was as a person and my identity, and it's still something challenging. It's I don't think it's something that we ever like you know fully develop. I think it's constantly evolving. Um but when I was when I first had feelings for for a girl, I was 17, 18 years old, and I didn't question it. I was just like, oh, this feels right. So I kind of just let myself go with it. But uh I started to face like all of the the pressure and and the hate and the the homophobia from like family and you know, even like indirect homophobia from like, you know, something as simple as hearing, like, oh, that's so gay, you know, the word gay uses in a derogatory manner. It's like little things like that we don't realize that go a long way. They can really, really harm somebody, even though we're not intentional about in these things. Um, but I I questioned it in the sense of like, how how am I going to live knowing that people around me don't understand me and they they don't accept me? Like, how am I going to move forward? But anytime I tried to not live an authentic life, because I did, there was times when I was like, oh, I'm gonna like, you know, I I dated guys uh during these times of me trying to figure out my identity because I thought um maybe it was what I had to do to make other people happy. And I realized that it wasn't what made me happy. It was like there's just feeling in my stomach all the time, like this is not right, this doesn't feel right. I think when it comes to like figuring out your identity, it's it's just something that feels right and you feel at ease and you it's something that gives you peace. Um, and it cannot be tied to making other people happy. We we often decide based on other people's opinions and what other people expect of us, and I realized that that wasn't going to make me happy, that wasn't going to bring me peace. Um, so I just, you know, found a way to put myself first. And um with my family, it was it sucked because I thought I'm trying to figure out who I am and and figure out my process, but I need to help my family figure it out too. It was like, you know, I was carrying the weight of two worlds and it was really hard. It was really, really hard, but I'm just grateful that life gave me the courage to be able to do it because if not, I I don't think my family had it in them uh without me, I guess, pressuring them in a certain way. I don't know that pressure's not the right word. Um I think pressure can be look can be looked at in a very negative way, but it was me just really being persistent and adamant about this is who I am and this is what I need in my life for me to be okay. And then gave them the option of like, you choose what you want to do with that information. But I'm telling you, like, I'm putting my foot down, these are my values, these are my principles, this is what I want in my life. I need you in it. Now you choose whether you're going to be in or in it or not. And I'm glad that they chose chose to keep me in it.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

Yeah. So when we were speaking earlier, I mentioned I had written a book about uh Glenn Burke, who's considered the first openly gay Major League Baseball player. Uh, I've become friends with the guy in town, Brian Ruby, who's a country music artist, also a professional baseball player who came out. And in Glenn's case, when his secret was uh known, he was run out of the game. Like it did not go well. Brian's case, to his surprise, his teammates embraced him. Things went pretty well, you know, and he feels much uh freer now and is so happy that that he's out. Like for you, was this a case of anticipatory anxiety, like worrying what the reaction would would be, but actually it was all right. It sounds that way, at least from a social media post uh that you made, but maybe that was a long journey to get to that point.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

Yeah, it was a really long journey. Initially, it was I was really scared about what people were going to say. It was a constant worry, fear about, oh my goodness, what are people going to think of me? What are people going to think of me? What are people going to say? What are because I used to think that other people's opinions defined me. And it wasn't until I realized that they didn't have to define me. Like I choose who I am and and what I want to do and what defines me. And at first it was, it was really, really hard. Like I haven't always been this confident uh as a as an out gay woman. Like it was initially, it was I would question every little detail, every little thing. I would question whether I would hold my partner's hand and in public, I would question whether I would post a picture with with my partner because there's so much hate in this world. But I also realized that there's also a positive side to it. There's so many people that need to see this, that need the visibility, that need to know that that they're not alone. So when I shifted that perspective, it was like a game changer for me. Now I still experience that that fear. It's still scary because. we still have a long way to go especially within the Mexican and the the Latin cultures. We are still we're very, very, very far behind. Um but even like with my family, like they would be when the way when they initially and it it makes me laugh when they initially started to accept me it was like okay cool but don't do it in front of your friends. Okay cool but don't post a picture about it. Okay cool but not not here and it was like then where? Then where am I allowed to be myself? If not here where like you saying that you accept me is not the same as you actually letting me you know be. And it's been a journey. It's still hard but um there's still hate I still receive hate and I decide not to I choose not to uh focus on on the bad stuff and just focus on the positive um another uh thing you've talked about today is growing up in the Mexican American household and believing yourself to be Mexican but then when you're actually playing professional soccer there being accused of coming across as an American who knows better or you know expects better treatment or something.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

Could you talk a little bit about that dynamic and uh yet you still had even understanding that might be the perception or dealing with that uh pushback you didn't stop speaking out not only for yourself but really for your teammates um and again for those who haven't read the book a little bit about that period of your life.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

Yeah it was it's a very interesting dynamic because um I always consider myself just so Mexican and so proud because it's just something that's so like it's part of our RDNA. And uh when I was finally like living in in Mexico and fully immersed in the Mexican culture, which is something very different from the Mexican American culture, uh I realized that I had a privilege in being born in America because um even though we have a long way to go and obviously considering the climate of things now in in in America uh like I do understand why you know people come here seeking a better a better life because there are like a lot of um privileges and and freedoms that you won't get in other parts of the world and in this these moments where I needed to speak up and these the coaches specifically that I was you know speaking out against uh they would say like oh like you think you're better than us because you're born in America like in and that was never ever the case but I did instead of looking at it like the way they were looking at it I was like I chose to look at it from a different lens and that it's a good thing. It's a good thing that I have both these cultures and I realized in those moments that my teammates don't have that perspective. They don't know any better and I can use this for good. And I think there's something about the American culture like when I look at specifically the the US women's soccer team um whenever I had a play against them they beat us before we even stepped on the field. Not only would they crush us on the soccer field but they we were in the locker room in the tunnel and like when you're walking getting ready to walk out to the field like they had already beat us there. There's something in their their mentality the way they carry themselves like they believe in themselves like their winners and that's something beautiful like I love that and as much as it was like difficult playing against the US it was like I I learned from that and I learned from like so many things that they've done to to pave the way and like I'm very grateful that I have both cultures. I think because of that I was able to you know speak up in those positions. I think if I had didn't have the the background that I have now I don't think I would have been able to do it.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

You write a lot in the book about the various injuries that you've um that have occurred during your soccer career and how you you know persevered to uh rehabilitate from those and continue playing. When you met with the Vanderbilt soccer team this morning there were you know young women literally on crutches or who had been coming back from injuries for multiple years. I think you asked raise your hand if you've had a major injury pretty much everybody raised their hand. I mean what were those conversations like I know a few women came up to you after you you uh spoke to the group to really dig a little bit deeper on that what do you what do you share with athletes who are I know that that can be like you're talking about mental health like that period where your your identity as an athlete is is kind of gone for a while you're while you're not standing there with with your teammates you know what can you share with people about your experience how you made it through that others can benefit from injuries are they're part of they're part of soccer they're part of sports.

SPEAKER_01 27:19

And just like it's it's it's just a setback if you choose to see it though. It's a setback and it's a a challenge that if you set yourself to it you can overcome uh just like in life and I think when we when we go through an injury especially a major injury that sidelines us for I don't know three four or five months even a year it's very easy to get lost in it and think that your world is going to end. Like I I'm pretty sure there's so many people out there going through an injury right now that like that they feel that the world's going to end. But it helps to know that one, that injuries are part of the game. They're part of the process just like uh making a mistake in life or having a failure or having a setback like it's normal. Like I think we we think especially when we're little we think the path is going to be easy and that it's really straightforward but it's not it it's these difficulties are part of life and I think really they give life meaning because when you overcome something like a like an ACL injury which is very common within women's soccer you come out a more resilient person, a stronger person uh emotionally like you're you're different and if you do things right physically you're you come back even better and stronger and you realize that those things uh translate directly to to real life because we're not going to be able to play soccer forever. Like physically it's we might be able to play pickup soccer forever but professionally it's it's impossible. So you have to find like meaning in in those things. And I think whenever we go through something difficult there's a bigger lesson to be learned. And in the moment you might not know it. But just uh distrust the process and lean on the people the experts to to help guide you in it.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

Okay so I was reading the book and I I didn't know this aspect of your life that you were on this reality TV show. So I was like man she's been through so much and you know your life story to me is kind of like searching for freedom in certain ways and you know you've been told you can't do this, you can't do that. But then carving out your path to freedom this opportunity to be on a TV show like probably sounded really cool. And then all of a sudden it's almost like you're living in this prison and this is where you died and you're only able to eat bananas like it just sounded like this is not what she needs right now.

SPEAKER_01 29:43

You know what was that experience like uh on the show can you tell the story of uh how you almost you know weren't with us anymore yeah it's I look back at it and it's like wow did I I really really live that yeah that that really happened so I I got the opportunity to go on a reality TV show called Exatlon which is kind of like a mix between like survivor in the challenge and I went on the very first edition of it. So it was like a whole experiment. Nobody knew what they were doing. And I did it because I didn't have any money and they were willing to pay me a lot of money just to go on the show and and compete and like pretty much sacrifice my my whole life and I was like I did one I didn't know any better. And two like I really needed the money. So I thought I need I also wanted to uh grow my platform and I thought oh this is gonna be on television every night like this is huge. So from that perspective I said yeah I have to do this and while I was in it I experienced all the things that I've experienced in my real life were happening in the the reality TV show. Um and I I hurt my shoulder I have a really gnarly scar by the way and it led to at that point I was actually like number one in the show in in points like I was winning every like competition and number one on my team and like in percentage and points and ratings were like great. So when I hurt my shoulder like I knew that I wasn't okay but on the show like the producers they wanted me there for ratings like they didn't care about me as a person. They just wanted to make their money um and one of the like doctors they took me to insisted like she gave me a steroid for it. I was like well no way you're not going to give me steroids I'm a professional athlete um and eventually um they injected a steroid in me uh which without my consent they lied to me and told me it was something else and I had an adverse reaction to it and I literally died and I didn't know at the time it was like so surreal. I was like did this just happen to me like what what's going on and and they kind of try to just like play it off like it wasn't a big deal and they didn't tell me the truth and it was like there was all these layers behind it but I knew I was like no no no I I saw my life flash before my eyes like I know we we see that in movies like yeah my life flashed before my eyes and I saw white I literally saw I saw white and I saw the two most important things in my life which were my two nephews at the time Millie and Tiago that that was all I saw and I was like this is this is like life's trying to tell me something uh and eventually like I I looked for for answers in the people that were involved and everything and and eventually like one of the the therapists was like yeah this happened and and and you literally died you weren't breathing he's like I gave you CPR for like 20 minutes couldn't get you like back to life and he was like I freaked out he's like I picked you up threw you over my shoulder and I started running with you towards the nearest uh emergency room and that's when I woke up while he was running with me uh he was carrying me and like I woke up right before I saw my life flash before my eyes and I was like I had no idea what was going on and mind you at that moment they all lied to me about what was going on. It wasn't until later that I got the answers and uh I'm here now. It's like it wasn't my time for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 33:09

Uh and I I think I'm here now because even in in the toughest times I think I always knew I had a bigger purpose one other time uh was when you were playing soccer in England and you said there was an old stone bridge that you would look at and think about that's where you would go to end your life and it was uh wasn't the same nephew that came to mind uh that kept that from from happening um I just I don't know I just think this topic of mental health and athletes is so important and so for so long it was something that was not discussed not dealt with athletes are supposed to be strong you don't admit to a weakness that you might need help um and I think your book is a real service not only to athletes but just to all people you know in that respect. So I want to talk about something on the happier side first of all before I get to the big goal and that how that's a full circle moment in your life it sounds like playing professionally in Cyprus which was such a different environment to be in brought back a bit of your love for the game.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

How did that come about and what were the aspects of living there and playing there that were restorative to you in a way living and playing in Cyprus was definitely uh I think one of the coolest moments of my life it happened during a time when uh the the opportunity came out of nowhere I honestly don't even remember how they they got in contact with me or even knew about me but I said immediately said yes like I'm going to do this. I'm going to play in the UA Women's Champions League. I was in a very difficult moment in my life where I was I had multiple jobs and I was trying to save a lot of money. I was playing with the Mexican national team and I was trying to save money with the intention of eventually being able to only play professional soccer and you know have enough money to support myself. And then this opportunity to play in Cyprus was it was so refreshing being like immersed in a different culture and seeing how obsessed they were with soccer too. Like that's just so cool. And that's why I say that you know soccer it's universal it doesn't discriminate it's literally for everyone I was I don't know how many days it took me to get to Cyprus how many planes and layovers and it was it was a long trip. And being like so far away from the only things that I knew it was I was still able to connect with people thanks to soccer. It was just a beautiful moment.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

All right and another beautiful moment you talk in the book this would be like the climactic scene in the movie of your life it's uh in Mexico City and uh I won't give away the story but um what happens who's there watching and why was this such an um emotional uh moment in your life yeah it was having my dad in the stands while I'm wearing a Cluba Medica jersey is man it's huge.

SPEAKER_01 36:24

I did my best to put it into words but it's difficult um coming from you know my background in a home where literally Chivas was a religion in my home um I always joke about this but like in in the Mexican culture you can change anything you want but you can't change the team you go for. And just having my dad you know proud in the stands was a full circle moment because it was not just because of you know scoring a goal and the fans cheering and being in the Estadio Azteca which is so it's just historical and monumental and all of that is beautiful and it's fascinating and you know having my teammates celebrate with me and be so happy because I scored the winning goal and you know my coach being happy about it and you know me living one of the best moments of my life uh soccer wise like on the field the most important part was being able to connect with my dad again uh because for the longest time he didn't love me he didn't accept me he literally told me that like you know because of you know my decisions and me loving another woman it was like literally he disowned me um but I chose to to fight for that love and help my dad along the way um because I it was always very clear to me that like he just didn't know better. He didn't know better. I knew deep down in his heart that he loved me. He just didn't know how to love me and I had to kind of help him along the way and so that's why that moment is just so it's like I was always carry it in my heart and I sort of I don't know what he thinks about it. I know he he read the book recently um but I have yet to have a conversation with him about that because uh I I would love to know you know where he stands now. My dad's not a doesn't speak much in terms of like emotions or what he's thinking or what he's feeling and you know he he thinks he's still in that very like macho like oh you know keep it to myself. But I think you know thanks to this book I think he's like realizing you know how important it was for him to make that change.

SPEAKER_00 38:39

So here you are what you're 36 years old. Some people watching this may say hey she's familiar like I've seen her on TV you know there's an Emmy behind you on that shelf. You've won an Emmy uh for your work uh and as a soccer broadcaster um a lot of athletes really struggle with what comes after sports um to me it seems like this is something you've prepared for uh maybe longer than some athletes but what has this first year outside of being a professional athlete been like for you and what have you learned through the experience that you think others could benefit from I've always had very clear in my mind that who I am as a person is far more important than who I am as a soccer player.

SPEAKER_01 39:27

I'm a big fan of John Wooden. And I've always had very clear that like I have to find a way you know I have to um embrace all the parts of my identity not just who I am as a soccer player because life's going to you know keep going on after I I stop playing um and just allowing myself to take these opportunities uh to you know embrace these opportunities of working in in TV and broadcasting um because it's really hard it's a really difficult environment it's really hard like being on live television uh I get performance anxiety still and I know I'm not the only one um because I've talked about it with colleagues and it's really cool to know that we all feel that but we feel that I think because because we care like when you really truly deeply care about something it's normal to be nervous it's normal to have fears it's just kind of how how you navigate those fears that ultimately determines like the result of things. Um but really I'm just trying to you know enjoy the process I don't know if I'll be doing this in five years or 10 years. I don't know but I'm really grateful for the people that see greatness in me. Like I wouldn't be in these positions without those people that see something good in me. Like sometimes I question myself and I question my my ability and my capacity to to work in certain spaces but then I think if so and so is giving me an opportunity it's because they see something good in me. So I'm going to to embrace it.

SPEAKER_00 41:06

As we wrap up here um you know you're I share the desire to want people to read my books. You know I mean right you invest in that and you you want people to to read it and to I know for you it really to learn from it and for it to benefit people that also feel like they're the only one in certain circumstances. So for people who are are watching or listening to this and they want to learn more like how do they get your book and uh it seems like you've enjoyed this day at Vanderbilt if there are others that would like to bring you to their campus or to their organization or to their book festival like whatever it may be how do they find you how do they interact with you where can they follow you on social media?

SPEAKER_01 41:50

Yeah well you can uh follow me and contact me directly on social media at Janeli Fadias and that's across all social media platforms. Uh you can get my book on Amazon.com world worldwide search surviving women's soccer it's also available in Spanish uh sobreviviendo al fútbol femenil um and really it's just uh it's a raw unfiltered perspective of not just what it is to survive in women's soccer but really what it is to survive in a world that's constantly telling us who to be and it's I think an authentic representation of you know being true to yourself and just finding a way to not just survive but finding a way to live and and enjoy and and find find meaning and I would love to I'm so grateful for this this opportunity. I know I've told you throughout the day we've literally been together the whole day um but I think spaces like this these are are much much needed and I think that um my book can connect with people on all different levels and from all different walks of life like it's not just about soccer it's not just about being gay it's not you know it's we all have some form of family we all have some form of of difficulty we all have some form of fear we all have we all question our our identity at some point and what we do and what we don't do and what makes us happy and and all of those things. So I really hope that you know people can find the value in that.

SPEAKER_00 43:25

Yeah I I 100% agree uh whether you're a soccer fan or have never watched a soccer game in your life there's something for everyone to take away from this book I think that people just uh hunger for hearing from people who are real you know and authentic and um more than ever probably so uh thank you for writing this book uh thanks for coming to Nashville spending this day at Vanderbilt uh we look forward to having you back in town again someday soon and uh all the best to you Janelli thank you so much