{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Welcome to Real World Peaceful"},{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Parenting, a podcast for parents"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"that are tired of yelling,"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"threatening, and punishing their kids."},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.76,"body":"Join mom and master certified parent"},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.76,"body":"coach Lisa Smith as she gives you"},{"startTime":11.76,"endTime":15.15,"body":"actionable step-by-step strategies"},{"startTime":11.76,"endTime":15.15,"body":"that'll help you transform your"},{"startTime":15.15,"endTime":17.4,"body":"household from chaos to cooperation."},{"startTime":17.82,"endTime":18.33,"body":"Let's dive in."},{"startTime":22.53,"endTime":27.18,"body":"Welcome, welcome, welcome,"},{"startTime":22.53,"endTime":27.18,"body":"welcome to today's episode."},{"startTime":27.9,"endTime":29.4,"body":"I am so excited."},{"startTime":29.82,"endTime":33.96,"body":"To be with you here today, and"},{"startTime":29.82,"endTime":33.96,"body":"I wanna start today's episode"},{"startTime":33.96,"endTime":35.13,"body":"with asking you something."},{"startTime":36.0,"endTime":40.86,"body":"Have you ever been told by another"},{"startTime":36.0,"endTime":40.86,"body":"parent, by a family member, maybe"},{"startTime":40.86,"endTime":46.29,"body":"even yourself, that your kid should be"},{"startTime":40.86,"endTime":46.29,"body":"able to calm themselves down by now?"},{"startTime":47.22,"endTime":47.64,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":48.21,"endTime":48.54,"body":"Maybe."},{"startTime":48.54,"endTime":48.999,"body":"It sounds like."},{"startTime":50.1,"endTime":51.75,"body":"Hey, they're not a baby anymore."},{"startTime":51.96,"endTime":57.21,"body":"Or they need to learn to ha how to"},{"startTime":51.96,"endTime":57.21,"body":"handle their emotions, or you can't just"},{"startTime":57.21,"endTime":59.88,"body":"hold them every time they melt down."},{"startTime":59.88,"endTime":60.99,"body":"They have to figure it out."},{"startTime":62.01,"endTime":67.59,"body":"Well, if you've heard that, if you"},{"startTime":62.01,"endTime":67.59,"body":"believe that, then today's episode"},{"startTime":67.8,"endTime":72.21,"body":"is for you because here's what I want"},{"startTime":67.8,"endTime":72.21,"body":"you to know right from the start."},{"startTime":72.84,"endTime":76.045,"body":"That's not how it works,"},{"startTime":72.84,"endTime":76.045,"body":"and the fact that your kid."},{"startTime":76.994,"endTime":80.295,"body":"At any age can't calm down"},{"startTime":76.994,"endTime":80.295,"body":"on their own right now."},{"startTime":80.655,"endTime":84.225,"body":"That's not a failure,"},{"startTime":80.655,"endTime":84.225,"body":"not yours and not theirs."},{"startTime":85.065,"endTime":91.244,"body":"What it is, is it's exactly how"},{"startTime":85.065,"endTime":91.244,"body":"human brains are designed to develop."},{"startTime":92.175,"endTime":96.015,"body":"Now, if you've been hanging out"},{"startTime":92.175,"endTime":96.015,"body":"with me for the past few episodes,"},{"startTime":96.615,"endTime":100.365,"body":"you know that we've been deep in"},{"startTime":96.615,"endTime":100.365,"body":"the world of setting limits with"},{"startTime":100.365,"endTime":102.255,"body":"a strong spine and a soft heart."},{"startTime":103.005,"endTime":104.895,"body":"We talked about how to set 'em clearly."},{"startTime":105.539,"endTime":108.3,"body":"You learned how to hold"},{"startTime":105.539,"endTime":108.3,"body":"them through connection."},{"startTime":108.75,"endTime":112.11,"body":"You learned how to choose"},{"startTime":108.75,"endTime":112.11,"body":"battles, which actually matter."},{"startTime":112.95,"endTime":117.48,"body":"And here's what I'm hearing from a"},{"startTime":112.95,"endTime":117.48,"body":"lot of parents who've been practicing."},{"startTime":118.259,"endTime":119.64,"body":"Lisa, I know what to say."},{"startTime":120.15,"endTime":125.34,"body":"I have the scripts, but when my kid"},{"startTime":120.15,"endTime":125.34,"body":"is falling apart, I can't get there."},{"startTime":125.85,"endTime":126.75,"body":"I lose it too."},{"startTime":128.46,"endTime":129.6,"body":"So I hear you."},{"startTime":130.259,"endTime":133.2,"body":"And given all that"},{"startTime":130.259,"endTime":133.2,"body":"feedback I've been getting."},{"startTime":133.65,"endTime":140.28,"body":"Today, I wanna turn our attention to why"},{"startTime":133.65,"endTime":140.28,"body":"that happens so that you can understand it"},{"startTime":141.239,"endTime":143.01,"body":"and more importantly, what to do about it."},{"startTime":144.239,"endTime":147.81,"body":"So this episode is diving"},{"startTime":144.239,"endTime":147.81,"body":"into co-regulation."},{"startTime":148.14,"endTime":150.359,"body":"We haven't talked about"},{"startTime":148.14,"endTime":150.359,"body":"this in quite a while."},{"startTime":151.29,"endTime":157.109,"body":"I'm gonna help you understand what it is,"},{"startTime":151.29,"endTime":157.109,"body":"why it's not being permissive or spoiling"},{"startTime":157.109,"endTime":159.75,"body":"your kids, and exactly how you can start."},{"startTime":160.589,"endTime":163.95,"body":"Co-regulating this week"},{"startTime":160.589,"endTime":163.95,"body":"with your own kids."},{"startTime":164.369,"endTime":165.0,"body":"Sound good?"},{"startTime":165.899,"endTime":167.13,"body":"All right, let's dig in."},{"startTime":168.119,"endTime":172.019,"body":"Let me name something out loud that"},{"startTime":168.119,"endTime":172.019,"body":"so many parents are actually carrying"},{"startTime":172.019,"endTime":178.709,"body":"around silently, and it's the belief"},{"startTime":172.019,"endTime":178.709,"body":"that your kid should already know"},{"startTime":178.709,"endTime":180.299,"body":"how to manage their big emotions."},{"startTime":181.739,"endTime":182.94,"body":"And I get it."},{"startTime":183.42,"endTime":186.989,"body":"I understand how that belief comes to be."},{"startTime":187.529,"endTime":188.73,"body":"Maybe it's because."},{"startTime":189.375,"endTime":192.225,"body":"Someone told you this,"},{"startTime":189.375,"endTime":192.225,"body":"that you look up to."},{"startTime":193.065,"endTime":199.725,"body":"Maybe you think it's because you compare"},{"startTime":193.065,"endTime":199.725,"body":"your kids to other kids who seem to"},{"startTime":199.725,"endTime":205.545,"body":"handle things better, or maybe you think"},{"startTime":199.725,"endTime":205.545,"body":"it because frankly, you're exhausted"},{"startTime":206.025,"endTime":210.975,"body":"and you desperately want your kids"},{"startTime":206.025,"endTime":210.975,"body":"to be able to do this on their own."},{"startTime":211.755,"endTime":212.295,"body":"I get it."},{"startTime":212.325,"endTime":213.135,"body":"I really do."},{"startTime":214.035,"endTime":218.175,"body":"But here's the thing,"},{"startTime":214.035,"endTime":218.175,"body":"self-regulation doesn't come first."},{"startTime":219.705,"endTime":222.375,"body":"It's not something we're"},{"startTime":219.705,"endTime":222.375,"body":"born with as humans."},{"startTime":223.125,"endTime":228.615,"body":"It's built from something that"},{"startTime":223.125,"endTime":228.615,"body":"comes before it, and that's"},{"startTime":228.615,"endTime":230.925,"body":"something is called co-regulation."},{"startTime":231.765,"endTime":237.825,"body":"So in a nutshell, if you want your kids"},{"startTime":231.765,"endTime":237.825,"body":"to self-regulate when they have big"},{"startTime":237.825,"endTime":243.855,"body":"emotions, they first must experience"},{"startTime":237.825,"endTime":243.855,"body":"co-regulation with a calm, trusted adult."},{"startTime":245.114,"endTime":246.825,"body":"So let's dig into this a little deeper."},{"startTime":246.855,"endTime":255.165,"body":"Co-regulation by definition, is when a"},{"startTime":246.855,"endTime":255.165,"body":"calm regulated adult helps a dysregulated"},{"startTime":255.435,"endTime":258.105,"body":"kid find their way back to calm."},{"startTime":259.365,"endTime":260.805,"body":"It's not a fancy technique."},{"startTime":261.644,"endTime":264.465,"body":"It's not something you learn from a book."},{"startTime":265.094,"endTime":269.145,"body":"It's actually one of the most"},{"startTime":265.094,"endTime":269.145,"body":"natural things humans do."},{"startTime":270.135,"endTime":271.125,"body":"Think of it this way."},{"startTime":272.085,"endTime":275.864,"body":"Learning to self-regulate is kind"},{"startTime":272.085,"endTime":275.864,"body":"of like learning to ride a bike."},{"startTime":277.005,"endTime":282.255,"body":"Nobody just hops on and goes, someone"},{"startTime":277.005,"endTime":282.255,"body":"has to hold the back of the seat first."},{"startTime":282.705,"endTime":286.215,"body":"Dozens and dozens of"},{"startTime":282.705,"endTime":286.215,"body":"times, maybe hundreds."},{"startTime":287.054,"endTime":292.635,"body":"The kid wobbles, they fall, they"},{"startTime":287.054,"endTime":292.635,"body":"get back up and slowly over time"},{"startTime":293.414,"endTime":295.005,"body":"they start to balance on their own."},{"startTime":296.265,"endTime":298.604,"body":"Co-regulation is you holding the seat."},{"startTime":299.775,"endTime":302.265,"body":"Here's what the research"},{"startTime":299.775,"endTime":302.265,"body":"tells us, decades of it."},{"startTime":302.265,"endTime":307.695,"body":"Actually, kids' nervous systems cannot"},{"startTime":302.265,"endTime":307.695,"body":"learn to calm down in isolation."},{"startTime":308.385,"endTime":309.795,"body":"Feel like I need to say that again."},{"startTime":310.695,"endTime":316.515,"body":"Your kids' nervous system is not going"},{"startTime":310.695,"endTime":316.515,"body":"to learn to calm down in isolation."},{"startTime":317.505,"endTime":319.065,"body":"They learn it through relationship."},{"startTime":320.265,"endTime":324.045,"body":"They learn it through repeated"},{"startTime":320.265,"endTime":324.045,"body":"experiences of being soothed."},{"startTime":325.83,"endTime":331.8,"body":"Offered co-regulation by a safe adult"},{"startTime":325.83,"endTime":331.8,"body":"before the brain can self-soothe."},{"startTime":332.7,"endTime":334.86,"body":"It has to experience being soothed."},{"startTime":336.0,"endTime":336.93,"body":"Let me say that again."},{"startTime":336.93,"endTime":342.39,"body":"Before the brain can self-soothe,"},{"startTime":336.93,"endTime":342.39,"body":"it has to experience being soothed."},{"startTime":343.71,"endTime":347.97,"body":"So when someone tells you,"},{"startTime":343.71,"endTime":347.97,"body":"your child, your kid should"},{"startTime":347.97,"endTime":349.44,"body":"be able to calm down by now."},{"startTime":350.52,"endTime":351.645,"body":"What they're really saying is."},{"startTime":352.74,"endTime":358.17,"body":"Your kid should be able to do"},{"startTime":352.74,"endTime":358.17,"body":"something their brain literally isn't"},{"startTime":358.17,"endTime":360.69,"body":"designed to do yet without your help."},{"startTime":361.8,"endTime":365.4,"body":"And I'm here to say that's not fair"},{"startTime":361.8,"endTime":365.4,"body":"to you and it's not fair to your kid."},{"startTime":366.63,"endTime":371.815,"body":"Think about the last time you were"},{"startTime":366.63,"endTime":371.815,"body":"really upset, like really upset over"},{"startTime":371.94,"endTime":375.42,"body":"something like truly overwhelmed."},{"startTime":375.66,"endTime":378.6,"body":"It happened to me right after"},{"startTime":375.66,"endTime":378.6,"body":"Christmas when I was trying to"},{"startTime":378.6,"endTime":380.46,"body":"return something in a store."},{"startTime":381.69,"endTime":385.02,"body":"Did someone telling you to"},{"startTime":381.69,"endTime":385.02,"body":"calm down actually help?"},{"startTime":385.95,"endTime":392.34,"body":"Or did you need someone to just be"},{"startTime":385.95,"endTime":392.34,"body":"there and offer you their regulation?"},{"startTime":393.75,"endTime":394.44,"body":"Yeah, me too."},{"startTime":395.7,"endTime":396.96,"body":"And your kid is no different."},{"startTime":398.07,"endTime":402.599,"body":"I like to say in the history of"},{"startTime":398.07,"endTime":402.599,"body":"mankind, no one is ever calmed"},{"startTime":402.599,"endTime":404.64,"body":"down by being told to calm down."},{"startTime":405.479,"endTime":405.87,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":406.83,"endTime":407.039,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":408.45,"endTime":411.09,"body":"So now you know the"},{"startTime":408.45,"endTime":411.09,"body":"definition of co-regulation."},{"startTime":411.21,"endTime":416.34,"body":"Let's actually look at it in real"},{"startTime":411.21,"endTime":416.34,"body":"life because there's knowing it"},{"startTime":417.0,"endTime":420.69,"body":"and there's applying it, and I"},{"startTime":417.0,"endTime":420.69,"body":"wanna help you actually apply it."},{"startTime":421.83,"endTime":425.82,"body":"I think a lot of parents hear"},{"startTime":421.83,"endTime":425.82,"body":"this concept and they picture"},{"startTime":425.849,"endTime":427.655,"body":"something really complicated."},{"startTime":428.685,"endTime":433.53,"body":"Like there's a specific thing"},{"startTime":428.685,"endTime":433.53,"body":"they're supposed to do, a"},{"startTime":433.53,"endTime":436.135,"body":"magic formula or a script."},{"startTime":437.61,"endTime":439.08,"body":"Here's the beautiful secret."},{"startTime":439.98,"endTime":442.74,"body":"Your calm presence is the tool."},{"startTime":443.34,"endTime":443.85,"body":"That's it."},{"startTime":443.91,"endTime":444.78,"body":"That's the whole thing."},{"startTime":445.83,"endTime":448.05,"body":"Your calm presence."},{"startTime":449.16,"endTime":455.22,"body":"When you are regulated, even just"},{"startTime":449.16,"endTime":455.22,"body":"a little, your nervous system"},{"startTime":455.61,"endTime":461.61,"body":"sends out signals of safety, like a"},{"startTime":455.61,"endTime":461.61,"body":"beacon and your kid's nervous system"},{"startTime":462.36,"endTime":464.25,"body":"picks up the beacon, the signal."},{"startTime":465.39,"endTime":468.15,"body":"It's like your calm becomes contagious."},{"startTime":469.62,"endTime":474.21,"body":"Let me also be really clear about"},{"startTime":469.62,"endTime":474.21,"body":"something because I know this is"},{"startTime":474.21,"endTime":475.77,"body":"where a lot of parents get nervous."},{"startTime":476.97,"endTime":478.98,"body":"Co-regulation is not giving in."},{"startTime":480.15,"endTime":484.11,"body":"It's not removing the boundary"},{"startTime":480.15,"endTime":484.11,"body":"and it's not letting your kid win."},{"startTime":485.4,"endTime":491.775,"body":"You can hold every single boundary you"},{"startTime":485.4,"endTime":491.775,"body":"set and co-regulate at the same time."},{"startTime":492.84,"endTime":497.85,"body":"In fact, that's exactly what real world"},{"startTime":492.84,"endTime":497.85,"body":"peaceful parenting looks like in action."},{"startTime":499.2,"endTime":501.96,"body":"Let me tell you about a moment with"},{"startTime":499.2,"endTime":501.96,"body":"Malcolm that really showed me this."},{"startTime":503.37,"endTime":504.9,"body":"Malcolm was going through a stretch."},{"startTime":504.93,"endTime":508.59,"body":"I think he was about seven"},{"startTime":504.93,"endTime":508.59,"body":"or eight, where bedtime was a"},{"startTime":508.59,"endTime":511.68,"body":"battlefield every single night."},{"startTime":512.61,"endTime":514.08,"body":"My husband was traveling a lot."},{"startTime":515.01,"endTime":517.11,"body":"I was working hard at"},{"startTime":515.01,"endTime":517.11,"body":"building my business."},{"startTime":517.83,"endTime":521.185,"body":"I was exhausted, and he was struggling."},{"startTime":522.615,"endTime":528.255,"body":"We'd get close to bedtime and he'd"},{"startTime":522.615,"endTime":528.255,"body":"argue about pajamas, and he'd doddle"},{"startTime":528.735,"endTime":533.594,"body":"at brushing his teeth and he'd"},{"startTime":528.735,"endTime":533.594,"body":"suddenly need water or have some"},{"startTime":533.834,"endTime":535.755,"body":"critical story he needed to tell me."},{"startTime":535.935,"endTime":537.855,"body":"That went on and on and on."},{"startTime":538.905,"endTime":539.505,"body":"You've been there."},{"startTime":540.704,"endTime":542.745,"body":"I, as the parent was exhausted."},{"startTime":543.225,"endTime":547.569,"body":"I was frustrated, and I just"},{"startTime":543.225,"endTime":547.569,"body":"wanted him to go to bed."},{"startTime":548.34,"endTime":554.37,"body":"So I could relax for a little bit before"},{"startTime":548.34,"endTime":554.37,"body":"I tried to hit the bed myself with"},{"startTime":554.37,"endTime":556.65,"body":"the skill of co-regulation in mind."},{"startTime":557.46,"endTime":561.81,"body":"One night I asked him to put"},{"startTime":557.46,"endTime":561.81,"body":"his pajamas on and he said no."},{"startTime":563.01,"endTime":567.33,"body":"So I asked him again and being"},{"startTime":563.01,"endTime":567.33,"body":"the strong-willed full contact"},{"startTime":567.33,"endTime":569.04,"body":"sport he was at that age."},{"startTime":569.19,"endTime":575.28,"body":"He said, no, again, I could feel"},{"startTime":569.19,"endTime":575.28,"body":"the volcano building inside me."},{"startTime":576.12,"endTime":577.47,"body":"You know that familiar heat."},{"startTime":577.875,"endTime":579.195,"body":"Rising up through your chest."},{"startTime":580.155,"endTime":586.605,"body":"That's where my dysregulation first makes"},{"startTime":580.155,"endTime":586.605,"body":"its appearance rising up as heat through"},{"startTime":586.605,"endTime":592.695,"body":"my chest, but instead of exploding again"},{"startTime":586.605,"endTime":592.695,"body":"with co-regulation in mind, I took a"},{"startTime":592.695,"endTime":598.515,"body":"couple deep breaths and I asked him a"},{"startTime":592.695,"endTime":598.515,"body":"question I'd never thought to ask before."},{"startTime":599.625,"endTime":603.495,"body":"I said, Hey, what's making"},{"startTime":599.625,"endTime":603.495,"body":"this hard for you right now?"},{"startTime":604.605,"endTime":605.505,"body":"And then I paused."},{"startTime":606.795,"endTime":608.475,"body":"I offered co-regulation."},{"startTime":609.645,"endTime":614.415,"body":"There was quite a bit of silence"},{"startTime":609.645,"endTime":614.415,"body":"in the room, and I just stayed"},{"startTime":614.415,"endTime":620.805,"body":"steady and calm like a redwood tree,"},{"startTime":614.415,"endTime":620.805,"body":"breathing in and out, and I waited."},{"startTime":621.975,"endTime":626.895,"body":"It felt like 20 minutes, but"},{"startTime":621.975,"endTime":626.895,"body":"honestly it was probably 90 seconds."},{"startTime":627.405,"endTime":632.655,"body":"And then he said, I don't want the day"},{"startTime":627.405,"endTime":632.655,"body":"to be over and my pajamas feel weird."},{"startTime":633.27,"endTime":636.51,"body":"And I can't find my stuffed"},{"startTime":633.27,"endTime":636.51,"body":"animal, and I'm just, I'm just"},{"startTime":636.51,"endTime":637.92,"body":"having a really hard time mom."},{"startTime":638.97,"endTime":641.73,"body":"And in that moment, everything shifted."},{"startTime":745.51,"endTime":748.48,"body":"I realized he wasn't"},{"startTime":745.51,"endTime":748.48,"body":"giving me a hard time."},{"startTime":748.84,"endTime":750.04,"body":"He was having a hard time."},{"startTime":751.09,"endTime":754.42,"body":"His nervous system was dysregulated."},{"startTime":755.41,"endTime":759.31,"body":"He didn't need force, he needed safety."},{"startTime":760.3,"endTime":763.24,"body":"He needed me to be calm"},{"startTime":760.3,"endTime":763.24,"body":"enough to hear him."},{"startTime":764.185,"endTime":769.9449999999999,"body":"Then offer him co-regulation instead of"},{"startTime":764.185,"endTime":769.9449999999999,"body":"demanding that he regulate on his own."},{"startTime":770.995,"endTime":772.9449999999999,"body":"I didn't give in bedtime."},{"startTime":772.9449999999999,"endTime":778.735,"body":"Still happened, but I held the"},{"startTime":772.9449999999999,"endTime":778.735,"body":"boundary and I held the space for what"},{"startTime":778.735,"endTime":785.665,"body":"he was feeling and bedtime it began"},{"startTime":778.735,"endTime":785.665,"body":"to happen without a fight, without"},{"startTime":785.665,"endTime":790.9449999999999,"body":"tears, and without me yelling because"},{"startTime":785.665,"endTime":790.9449999999999,"body":"I understood what was happening and"},{"startTime":790.9449999999999,"endTime":792.775,"body":"I understood that his little body."},{"startTime":792.835,"endTime":797.275,"body":"I got very dysregulated when we"},{"startTime":792.835,"endTime":797.275,"body":"began the wind down for bedtime."},{"startTime":798.205,"endTime":803.365,"body":"So I showed up night after night,"},{"startTime":798.205,"endTime":803.365,"body":"regulated myself before I even opened"},{"startTime":803.365,"endTime":805.765,"body":"my mouth to get the pajamas on."},{"startTime":806.305,"endTime":810.865,"body":"And throughout the entire"},{"startTime":806.305,"endTime":810.865,"body":"process while holding the"},{"startTime":810.865,"endTime":813.595,"body":"limits, I offered co-regulation."},{"startTime":814.525,"endTime":821.035,"body":"It was a total game changer in the bedtime"},{"startTime":814.525,"endTime":821.035,"body":"routine and in our relationship and."},{"startTime":822.4,"endTime":826.15,"body":"After I put him to bed at night, I"},{"startTime":822.4,"endTime":826.15,"body":"wasn't sitting around feeling guilty"},{"startTime":826.15,"endTime":828.369,"body":"and bad because I lost it on him."},{"startTime":828.459,"endTime":831.459,"body":"Again, this works."},{"startTime":832.359,"endTime":839.14,"body":"You are the opportunity to offer"},{"startTime":832.359,"endTime":839.14,"body":"your kids co-regulation and then they"},{"startTime":839.14,"endTime":841.51,"body":"learn to self-regulate over time."},{"startTime":842.349,"endTime":845.079,"body":"I want this for you and I"},{"startTime":842.349,"endTime":845.079,"body":"want this for your kids."},{"startTime":846.04,"endTime":848.92,"body":"This is the most important skill."},{"startTime":850.105,"endTime":854.275,"body":"I think we can teach our kids over"},{"startTime":850.105,"endTime":854.275,"body":"the 18 years they live at home."},{"startTime":855.205,"endTime":858.745,"body":"So let me show you what co-regulation"},{"startTime":855.205,"endTime":858.745,"body":"looks like across different"},{"startTime":858.745,"endTime":863.965,"body":"ages because it looks different"},{"startTime":858.745,"endTime":863.965,"body":"depending on how old your kid is."},{"startTime":864.835,"endTime":869.185,"body":"So with toddlers, it might look like"},{"startTime":864.835,"endTime":869.185,"body":"getting down on their level, softening"},{"startTime":869.185,"endTime":871.375,"body":"your voice, a hand at their back."},{"startTime":872.185,"endTime":873.895,"body":"Sometimes you don't even need words."},{"startTime":874.735,"endTime":879.685,"body":"Just your calm, steady presence right"},{"startTime":874.735,"endTime":879.685,"body":"there with them when they're having a"},{"startTime":879.685,"endTime":884.6949999999999,"body":"tough time or a meltdown with elementary"},{"startTime":879.685,"endTime":884.6949999999999,"body":"age kids, it might look like sitting"},{"startTime":884.6949999999999,"endTime":887.365,"body":"near them, not necessarily touching them."},{"startTime":887.6949999999999,"endTime":892.045,"body":"Some kids need physical space when"},{"startTime":887.6949999999999,"endTime":892.045,"body":"they're upset, but being right there,"},{"startTime":892.585,"endTime":894.505,"body":"remember I said earlier in the podcast?"},{"startTime":895.135,"endTime":899.665,"body":"Humans don't learn to regulate"},{"startTime":895.135,"endTime":899.665,"body":"in isolation, so it might just"},{"startTime":899.665,"endTime":904.405,"body":"be being right there with them"},{"startTime":899.665,"endTime":904.405,"body":"available and not trying to fix it."},{"startTime":904.675,"endTime":908.185,"body":"Or overtalk, which we talked about"},{"startTime":904.675,"endTime":908.185,"body":"in plenty of previous episodes,"},{"startTime":908.605,"endTime":915.535,"body":"just your calm presence, sending"},{"startTime":908.605,"endTime":915.535,"body":"your signal off to them that you're"},{"startTime":915.535,"endTime":922.555,"body":"regulated and they're to offer them"},{"startTime":915.535,"endTime":922.555,"body":"co-regulation with tweens and teens."},{"startTime":922.96,"endTime":925.87,"body":"Sometimes it's simple as just"},{"startTime":922.96,"endTime":925.87,"body":"being in the same room with"},{"startTime":925.87,"endTime":927.85,"body":"them, a hand on the shoulder."},{"startTime":928.51,"endTime":934.39,"body":"I'm here, offering them a glass of"},{"startTime":928.51,"endTime":934.39,"body":"water, acknowledging that what they're"},{"startTime":934.39,"endTime":939.1,"body":"going through at the moment is really"},{"startTime":934.39,"endTime":939.1,"body":"a struggle for them, or just staying"},{"startTime":939.1,"endTime":941.47,"body":"nearby while they ride out the storm."},{"startTime":942.535,"endTime":946.555,"body":"The specifics change as they grow"},{"startTime":942.535,"endTime":946.555,"body":"older, but the principle doesn't."},{"startTime":947.425,"endTime":953.005,"body":"Your regulated presence is what"},{"startTime":947.425,"endTime":953.005,"body":"teaches their nervous system, how"},{"startTime":953.005,"endTime":957.474,"body":"to find the calm first with you,"},{"startTime":953.005,"endTime":957.474,"body":"and then eventually on their own."},{"startTime":958.525,"endTime":964.3439999999999,"body":"Yeah, hopefully light bulbs are going"},{"startTime":958.525,"endTime":964.3439999999999,"body":"off for you, or you already know this."},{"startTime":964.675,"endTime":969.115,"body":"I'm just giving you a new way to see it"},{"startTime":964.675,"endTime":969.115,"body":"and reinforcing what you're already doing."},{"startTime":970.045,"endTime":971.365,"body":"So now you're probably thinking."},{"startTime":972.31,"endTime":976.18,"body":"Great, Lisa, so I just need to stay"},{"startTime":972.31,"endTime":976.18,"body":"calm when my kid is falling apart."},{"startTime":976.42,"endTime":977.41,"body":"Yeah, no big deal."},{"startTime":978.55,"endTime":980.109,"body":"Yeah, I know, I know."},{"startTime":980.89,"endTime":981.88,"body":"Here's the honest truth."},{"startTime":982.81,"endTime":988.119,"body":"When your child is dysregulated, your"},{"startTime":982.81,"endTime":988.119,"body":"nervous system wants to join their party."},{"startTime":988.78,"endTime":989.709,"body":"It's biology."},{"startTime":990.43,"endTime":993.52,"body":"Two nervous systems in the"},{"startTime":990.43,"endTime":993.52,"body":"same room affect each other."},{"startTime":994.5699999999999,"endTime":998.949,"body":"When your kid is in full meltdown mode,"},{"startTime":994.5699999999999,"endTime":998.949,"body":"crying, screaming, throwing things."},{"startTime":999.535,"endTime":1001.6949999999999,"body":"Your alarm bells are going off too."},{"startTime":1002.745,"endTime":1004.275,"body":"That doesn't make you a bad parent."},{"startTime":1004.845,"endTime":1005.745,"body":"That makes you human."},{"startTime":1006.225,"endTime":1006.855,"body":"I get it."},{"startTime":1007.545,"endTime":1012.855,"body":"This takes practice and commitment"},{"startTime":1007.545,"endTime":1012.855,"body":"and building your own neuropathways"},{"startTime":1013.035,"endTime":1014.865,"body":"to offer your kid co-regulation."},{"startTime":1015.135,"endTime":1017.145,"body":"So let me show you what"},{"startTime":1015.135,"endTime":1017.145,"body":"this looks like in action."},{"startTime":1017.955,"endTime":1019.845,"body":"There's a mom in the hive,"},{"startTime":1017.955,"endTime":1019.845,"body":"we'll call her Sarah."},{"startTime":1020.625,"endTime":1023.355,"body":"Sarah has a spirited"},{"startTime":1020.625,"endTime":1023.355,"body":"6-year-old named Nolan."},{"startTime":1024.015,"endTime":1025.785,"body":"One day Nolan came home from school."},{"startTime":1026.22,"endTime":1030.75,"body":"And completely lost it because they were"},{"startTime":1026.22,"endTime":1030.75,"body":"out of his favorite afterschool snack."},{"startTime":1031.3500000000001,"endTime":1037.05,"body":"We're talking screaming tears, fist"},{"startTime":1031.3500000000001,"endTime":1037.05,"body":"clenched, the whole meltdown, shebang."},{"startTime":1037.98,"endTime":1041.67,"body":"And Sarah told me, Lisa,"},{"startTime":1037.98,"endTime":1041.67,"body":"I wanted to snap at him."},{"startTime":1042.69,"endTime":1045.0,"body":"Everything in me wanted"},{"startTime":1042.69,"endTime":1045.0,"body":"to say, it's just a snack."},{"startTime":1045.0,"endTime":1047.55,"body":"For God's sakes, calm down."},{"startTime":1048.57,"endTime":1051.63,"body":"But remember, Sarah's in the"},{"startTime":1048.57,"endTime":1051.63,"body":"hive and we talk about this"},{"startTime":1052.17,"endTime":1054.005,"body":"every single call in the hive."},{"startTime":1054.78,"endTime":1060.69,"body":"So she resisted the urge to do"},{"startTime":1054.78,"endTime":1060.69,"body":"the old thing, the snapping, the"},{"startTime":1060.69,"endTime":1064.74,"body":"demanding that he calmed down"},{"startTime":1060.69,"endTime":1064.74,"body":"because, come on, it's just a snack."},{"startTime":1065.67,"endTime":1067.949,"body":"So instead, Sarah took a deep breath."},{"startTime":1068.699,"endTime":1073.5,"body":"She took a couple, she waited until"},{"startTime":1068.699,"endTime":1073.5,"body":"she felt the slightest bit calm,"},{"startTime":1074.31,"endTime":1075.66,"body":"and she got down in his level."},{"startTime":1076.8,"endTime":1081.959,"body":"She looked him in the eye and"},{"startTime":1076.8,"endTime":1081.959,"body":"she said, oh, buddy, you really"},{"startTime":1081.959,"endTime":1083.459,"body":"wanted that snack, didn't you?"},{"startTime":1084.57,"endTime":1086.16,"body":"Oh, bummer."},{"startTime":1087.1200000000001,"endTime":1089.64,"body":"And I'm right here with you"},{"startTime":1087.1200000000001,"endTime":1089.64,"body":"while you work through it."},{"startTime":1090.81,"endTime":1092.01,"body":"Here's what happened next."},{"startTime":1093.18,"endTime":1095.88,"body":"No one paused for the first time ever."},{"startTime":1095.88,"endTime":1096.99,"body":"He actually paused."},{"startTime":1098.19,"endTime":1104.579,"body":"His body softened, and he crawled into"},{"startTime":1098.19,"endTime":1104.579,"body":"Sarah's lap and sobbed for a few minutes,"},{"startTime":1105.66,"endTime":1108.27,"body":"and then, then they talked about his day."},{"startTime":1109.1090000000002,"endTime":1112.65,"body":"It turns out his teacher had corrected"},{"startTime":1109.1090000000002,"endTime":1112.65,"body":"him in front of the whole class."},{"startTime":1113.4750000000001,"endTime":1117.345,"body":"And he was embarrassed and"},{"startTime":1113.4750000000001,"endTime":1117.345,"body":"he'd been holding all those"},{"startTime":1117.345,"endTime":1119.175,"body":"big feelings in all day long."},{"startTime":1120.315,"endTime":1121.875,"body":"The snack wasn't even the real issue."},{"startTime":1122.535,"endTime":1123.945,"body":"It was just where the dam broke."},{"startTime":1125.085,"endTime":1127.845,"body":"What Sarah gave him wasn't a"},{"startTime":1125.085,"endTime":1127.845,"body":"solution to the snack problem."},{"startTime":1128.895,"endTime":1134.085,"body":"First, she gave him her own regulation,"},{"startTime":1128.895,"endTime":1134.085,"body":"then she gave him co-regulation."},{"startTime":1134.475,"endTime":1139.454,"body":"She sent a signal to his nervous"},{"startTime":1134.475,"endTime":1139.454,"body":"system that it was safe for him."},{"startTime":1140.5049999999999,"endTime":1143.265,"body":"To feel his feelings"},{"startTime":1140.5049999999999,"endTime":1143.265,"body":"safe to let it all out."},{"startTime":1143.955,"endTime":1149.145,"body":"Safe to work through all that cortisol,"},{"startTime":1143.955,"endTime":1149.145,"body":"and then the permission to feel all the"},{"startTime":1149.145,"endTime":1156.345,"body":"feelings and talk about what had happened"},{"startTime":1149.145,"endTime":1156.345,"body":"during his day that my friend, that's"},{"startTime":1156.345,"endTime":1159.195,"body":"co-regulation doing its work in real time."},{"startTime":1160.545,"endTime":1163.155,"body":"But here's what I really want"},{"startTime":1160.545,"endTime":1163.155,"body":"you to hear in this story."},{"startTime":1164.265,"endTime":1165.795,"body":"Sarah almost didn't get there."},{"startTime":1166.785,"endTime":1168.795,"body":"Her nervous system was activated too."},{"startTime":1169.469,"endTime":1173.37,"body":"It wanted to join in his dysregulation."},{"startTime":1174.209,"endTime":1178.56,"body":"It wanted to join in because she had"},{"startTime":1174.209,"endTime":1178.56,"body":"a lot going on in her day as well."},{"startTime":1179.07,"endTime":1182.939,"body":"Her nervous system wanted"},{"startTime":1179.07,"endTime":1182.939,"body":"to join his meltdown party."},{"startTime":1183.78,"endTime":1189.81,"body":"She had to make a conscious choice"},{"startTime":1183.78,"endTime":1189.81,"body":"to stay regulated, and she did not"},{"startTime":1189.81,"endTime":1194.76,"body":"perfectly, not effortlessly, but"},{"startTime":1189.81,"endTime":1194.76,"body":"she did it, and that's the work."},{"startTime":1195.929,"endTime":1202.139,"body":"The reward was she offered him"},{"startTime":1195.929,"endTime":1202.139,"body":"co-regulation and safety to"},{"startTime":1202.139,"endTime":1205.949,"body":"share what happened and then"},{"startTime":1202.139,"endTime":1205.949,"body":"work through his feelings."},{"startTime":1207.0,"endTime":1208.05,"body":"And that's the work."},{"startTime":1209.219,"endTime":1210.36,"body":"And I'll be real with you."},{"startTime":1211.5,"endTime":1213.419,"body":"There are times you're not"},{"startTime":1211.5,"endTime":1213.419,"body":"gonna be able to do it."},{"startTime":1214.169,"endTime":1218.37,"body":"There are times when your kid is falling"},{"startTime":1214.169,"endTime":1218.37,"body":"apart and your nervous system is right"},{"startTime":1218.37,"endTime":1220.199,"body":"there with them and you lose it too."},{"startTime":1220.889,"endTime":1222.57,"body":"It ha still happens to me."},{"startTime":1222.81,"endTime":1224.1299999999999,"body":"And I have a 21-year-old."},{"startTime":1224.82,"endTime":1226.56,"body":"It happens to every single parent."},{"startTime":1226.8,"endTime":1228.51,"body":"Dare I say, every single human."},{"startTime":1229.679,"endTime":1231.6589999999999,"body":"And when it does, it's okay."},{"startTime":1232.5,"endTime":1235.4089999999999,"body":"You repair, you come back, you try again."},{"startTime":1236.31,"endTime":1238.26,"body":"It's not failure, it's practice."},{"startTime":1239.31,"endTime":1241.679,"body":"I like to say progress, not perfection."},{"startTime":1242.76,"endTime":1243.84,"body":"Here's another example."},{"startTime":1244.169,"endTime":1245.85,"body":"I had a moment with Malcolm at Target."},{"startTime":1246.449,"endTime":1248.01,"body":"I remember it like it was yesterday."},{"startTime":1248.669,"endTime":1251.22,"body":"He was about nine and."},{"startTime":1251.745,"endTime":1252.795,"body":"It was after school."},{"startTime":1252.795,"endTime":1257.475,"body":"We were buying poster board and he"},{"startTime":1252.795,"endTime":1257.475,"body":"wanted something that I had said"},{"startTime":1257.475,"endTime":1261.705,"body":"no to, maybe at the time, Pokemon"},{"startTime":1257.475,"endTime":1261.705,"body":"cards or something like that."},{"startTime":1262.095,"endTime":1264.315,"body":"And he was really dysregulated."},{"startTime":1265.515,"endTime":1269.895,"body":"We were standing in the checkout line"},{"startTime":1265.515,"endTime":1269.895,"body":"and after saying no to the Pokemon cards,"},{"startTime":1269.955,"endTime":1272.625,"body":"he asked me if he could get a candy bar."},{"startTime":1273.465,"endTime":1278.025,"body":"I was tempted to say yes to just"},{"startTime":1273.465,"endTime":1278.025,"body":"give in, but we had a rule that"},{"startTime":1278.025,"endTime":1279.705,"body":"we didn't have sugar after school."},{"startTime":1280.245,"endTime":1280.725,"body":"So."},{"startTime":1281.445,"endTime":1285.375,"body":"I enforce the limit of, no, we're"},{"startTime":1281.445,"endTime":1285.375,"body":"not gonna get a candy bar today."},{"startTime":1286.065,"endTime":1289.935,"body":"And in truth, I probably could have"},{"startTime":1286.065,"endTime":1289.935,"body":"done a better job of saying, I know"},{"startTime":1289.935,"endTime":1294.675,"body":"you're dying to get something at"},{"startTime":1289.935,"endTime":1294.675,"body":"the store beyond poster board, and"},{"startTime":1294.705,"endTime":1299.145,"body":"I know you really want a candy bar,"},{"startTime":1294.705,"endTime":1299.145,"body":"but we don't have sugar after school,"},{"startTime":1299.385,"endTime":1301.544,"body":"therefore we're not gonna get one today."},{"startTime":1302.054,"endTime":1306.675,"body":"I certainly at the time, didn't"},{"startTime":1302.054,"endTime":1306.675,"body":"use strong spine soft heart."},{"startTime":1306.945,"endTime":1308.804,"body":"I probably just said no."},{"startTime":1310.275,"endTime":1313.395,"body":"In that moment, he stuck his"},{"startTime":1310.275,"endTime":1313.395,"body":"tongue out at me in the checkout"},{"startTime":1313.395,"endTime":1315.465,"body":"line, just stuck his tongue out."},{"startTime":1316.275,"endTime":1317.655,"body":"He had never done it before."},{"startTime":1317.865,"endTime":1320.655,"body":"It was the first time he'd"},{"startTime":1317.865,"endTime":1320.655,"body":"ever done it, and I will admit"},{"startTime":1320.715,"endTime":1322.935,"body":"I was completely embarrassed."},{"startTime":1323.685,"endTime":1325.725,"body":"Every alarm bell in my system went off."},{"startTime":1326.595,"endTime":1329.685,"body":"The embarrassment, the anger,"},{"startTime":1326.595,"endTime":1329.685,"body":"the thought, how dare you?"},{"startTime":1331.155,"endTime":1334.71,"body":"The checkout person was also"},{"startTime":1331.155,"endTime":1334.71,"body":"looking at me like, how dare he?"},{"startTime":1336.855,"endTime":1341.5049999999999,"body":"I could feel a meltdown coming"},{"startTime":1336.855,"endTime":1341.5049999999999,"body":"from Malcolm in addition, or"},{"startTime":1341.5049999999999,"endTime":1343.0049999999999,"body":"after the sticking the tongue out."},{"startTime":1344.235,"endTime":1346.575,"body":"But I caught myself again."},{"startTime":1346.575,"endTime":1348.2549999999999,"body":"I remember this like it was yesterday."},{"startTime":1349.065,"endTime":1349.995,"body":"I caught myself."},{"startTime":1351.015,"endTime":1352.095,"body":"I stayed regulated."},{"startTime":1352.125,"endTime":1353.355,"body":"I made a conscious choice."},{"startTime":1354.045,"endTime":1355.635,"body":"I said, I'm not gonna join."},{"startTime":1355.965,"endTime":1357.045,"body":"His dysregulation."},{"startTime":1357.615,"endTime":1361.845,"body":"That sticking outta the tongue"},{"startTime":1357.615,"endTime":1361.845,"body":"is him having big emotions that"},{"startTime":1361.845,"endTime":1363.015,"body":"he doesn't know how to handle."},{"startTime":1363.315,"endTime":1364.785,"body":"He's been told no twice."},{"startTime":1365.669,"endTime":1367.26,"body":"He really wants something."},{"startTime":1368.04,"endTime":1370.98,"body":"Gifts are my kids love"},{"startTime":1368.04,"endTime":1370.98,"body":"language, by the way."},{"startTime":1371.76,"endTime":1374.8799999999999,"body":"So I said again, I remember"},{"startTime":1371.76,"endTime":1374.8799999999999,"body":"this like it was yesterday."},{"startTime":1375.51,"endTime":1381.929,"body":"I said to myself while feeling"},{"startTime":1375.51,"endTime":1381.929,"body":"embarrassed and angry, I said,"},{"startTime":1382.3799999999999,"endTime":1384.419,"body":"I choose to stay regulated."},{"startTime":1384.99,"endTime":1392.73,"body":"And I took big, deep breaths because"},{"startTime":1384.99,"endTime":1392.73,"body":"big, deep breaths help regulate the body."},{"startTime":1393.72,"endTime":1394.92,"body":"We finished checking out."},{"startTime":1395.8799999999999,"endTime":1397.68,"body":"We walked to the car in silence."},{"startTime":1398.52,"endTime":1403.4089999999999,"body":"We got in the car, put our"},{"startTime":1398.52,"endTime":1403.4089999999999,"body":"seat belts on, and I took deep"},{"startTime":1403.4089999999999,"endTime":1404.94,"body":"breaths the entire drive home."},{"startTime":1405.96,"endTime":1409.83,"body":"Later, a couple hours later,"},{"startTime":1405.96,"endTime":1409.83,"body":"we talked about all that was"},{"startTime":1409.83,"endTime":1411.93,"body":"going on when we were both calm."},{"startTime":1413.19,"endTime":1417.27,"body":"Malcolm's 21 now, as I mentioned,"},{"startTime":1413.19,"endTime":1417.27,"body":"and he's never done that again."},{"startTime":1417.57,"endTime":1420.75,"body":"Not once, and that one moment."},{"startTime":1421.3799999999999,"endTime":1428.4,"body":"Me consciously choosing calm and"},{"startTime":1421.3799999999999,"endTime":1428.4,"body":"regulated overreaction, pause and"},{"startTime":1428.4,"endTime":1433.35,"body":"respond rather than react has built"},{"startTime":1428.4,"endTime":1433.35,"body":"something that's lasted years."},{"startTime":1435.0,"endTime":1440.37,"body":"Not because I was perfect in that"},{"startTime":1435.0,"endTime":1440.37,"body":"moment, but because I was present and"},{"startTime":1440.37,"endTime":1447.3,"body":"I made the conscious to decision, even"},{"startTime":1440.37,"endTime":1447.3,"body":"with anger and embarrassment flooding"},{"startTime":1447.3,"endTime":1450.6,"body":"my body, I made the conscious decision."},{"startTime":1451.514,"endTime":1452.475,"body":"To stay regulated."},{"startTime":1453.915,"endTime":1458.205,"body":"Not easy, but I did it, and I do"},{"startTime":1453.915,"endTime":1458.205,"body":"remember going to bed that night"},{"startTime":1458.5339999999999,"endTime":1460.365,"body":"feeling incredibly proud of myself."},{"startTime":1461.865,"endTime":1462.885,"body":"I want that for you."},{"startTime":1464.024,"endTime":1470.235,"body":"I know what that will do in the connection"},{"startTime":1464.024,"endTime":1470.235,"body":"with your kids, and I know what it will do"},{"startTime":1470.415,"endTime":1472.875,"body":"to raise your kids emotional intelligence."},{"startTime":1474.074,"endTime":1477.945,"body":"So if you're up for this and this"},{"startTime":1474.074,"endTime":1477.945,"body":"resonates with you and you want more,"},{"startTime":1478.335,"endTime":1479.865,"body":"here's what I want you to do this week."},{"startTime":1480.915,"endTime":1483.044,"body":"I promise it's simpler than you think."},{"startTime":1483.855,"endTime":1488.774,"body":"This week, I want you to pick"},{"startTime":1483.855,"endTime":1488.774,"body":"one moment each day where your"},{"startTime":1488.774,"endTime":1491.235,"body":"kid is even slightly upset."},{"startTime":1492.014,"endTime":1494.175,"body":"It doesn't have to be a full on meltdown."},{"startTime":1494.774,"endTime":1499.7549999999999,"body":"Pick a small frustration, a minor"},{"startTime":1494.774,"endTime":1499.7549999999999,"body":"disappointment, something small,"},{"startTime":1500.895,"endTime":1506.294,"body":"and instead of jumping to fix it,"},{"startTime":1500.895,"endTime":1506.294,"body":"instead of problem solving, instead"},{"startTime":1506.294,"endTime":1509.415,"body":"of saying, calm down, just practice."},{"startTime":1510.014,"endTime":1511.0049999999999,"body":"Co-regulation."},{"startTime":1512.685,"endTime":1515.355,"body":"Sit near them, make eye contact."},{"startTime":1515.774,"endTime":1519.554,"body":"Say something simple like, I'm"},{"startTime":1515.774,"endTime":1519.554,"body":"right here, or I can see that's"},{"startTime":1519.554,"endTime":1521.774,"body":"hard or even nothing at all."},{"startTime":1522.014,"endTime":1526.304,"body":"Just offer your presence and"},{"startTime":1522.014,"endTime":1526.304,"body":"then notice what happens."},{"startTime":1527.595,"endTime":1528.735,"body":"Does their body soften?"},{"startTime":1529.635,"endTime":1530.655,"body":"Do they take a breath?"},{"startTime":1531.585,"endTime":1533.085,"body":"Do they move closer to you?"},{"startTime":1534.135,"endTime":1536.715,"body":"Do they start talking about"},{"startTime":1534.135,"endTime":1536.715,"body":"what's actually going on?"},{"startTime":1538.86,"endTime":1541.05,"body":"Remember, you're not trying"},{"startTime":1538.86,"endTime":1541.05,"body":"to do this perfectly."},{"startTime":1541.92,"endTime":1546.69,"body":"You're just noticing you're paying"},{"startTime":1541.92,"endTime":1546.69,"body":"attention to what happens when"},{"startTime":1546.69,"endTime":1550.98,"body":"you offer your calm instead of"},{"startTime":1546.69,"endTime":1550.98,"body":"joining in their dysregulation."},{"startTime":1552.06,"endTime":1552.69,"body":"That's it."},{"startTime":1553.5,"endTime":1556.44,"body":"That's the whole homework"},{"startTime":1553.5,"endTime":1556.44,"body":"assignment this week."},{"startTime":1558.3,"endTime":1560.01,"body":"Yeah, you got this."},{"startTime":1560.22,"endTime":1563.49,"body":"I really wanna encourage you"},{"startTime":1560.22,"endTime":1563.49,"body":"to commit to trying it once"},{"startTime":1563.49,"endTime":1565.29,"body":"a day, every day for a week."},{"startTime":1566.82,"endTime":1569.31,"body":"Alright, let's bring it all"},{"startTime":1566.82,"endTime":1569.31,"body":"together before we wrap up today."},{"startTime":1570.51,"endTime":1571.35,"body":"Here's the recap."},{"startTime":1571.98,"endTime":1577.74,"body":"First, self-regulation doesn't come first"},{"startTime":1571.98,"endTime":1577.74,"body":"before your kid can calm themselves."},{"startTime":1578.1299999999999,"endTime":1583.26,"body":"They have to experience being calmed"},{"startTime":1578.1299999999999,"endTime":1583.26,"body":"over and over by a safe adult."},{"startTime":1584.07,"endTime":1585.21,"body":"That's co-regulation."},{"startTime":1585.87,"endTime":1586.8,"body":"It's not spoiling."},{"startTime":1587.58,"endTime":1591.51,"body":"It's how the nervous system is"},{"startTime":1587.58,"endTime":1591.51,"body":"literally designed to develop."},{"startTime":1593.085,"endTime":1596.055,"body":"Second, your calm presence is the tool."},{"startTime":1596.925,"endTime":1599.265,"body":"You don't need a magic"},{"startTime":1596.925,"endTime":1599.265,"body":"script or perfect technique."},{"startTime":1599.985,"endTime":1604.185,"body":"When you're regulated, even"},{"startTime":1599.985,"endTime":1604.185,"body":"imperfectly, your child's nervous"},{"startTime":1604.185,"endTime":1609.945,"body":"system picks up on that safety over"},{"startTime":1604.185,"endTime":1609.945,"body":"time, they start to borrow it and"},{"startTime":1609.945,"endTime":1611.235,"body":"eventually they build their own."},{"startTime":1612.225,"endTime":1614.89,"body":"I've seen this in action with my own kid."},{"startTime":1616.21,"endTime":1616.6299999999999,"body":"And finally."},{"startTime":1617.399,"endTime":1618.389,"body":"You are gonna mess this up."},{"startTime":1618.389,"endTime":1620.31,"body":"Sometimes you're gonna lose your cool."},{"startTime":1620.79,"endTime":1625.35,"body":"You're gonna yell when you're meant"},{"startTime":1620.79,"endTime":1625.35,"body":"to stay calm, and that's okay, because"},{"startTime":1625.86,"endTime":1627.96,"body":"co-regulation isn't about being perfect."},{"startTime":1628.59,"endTime":1631.86,"body":"It's about showing up"},{"startTime":1628.59,"endTime":1631.86,"body":"again and again and again."},{"startTime":1632.85,"endTime":1637.95,"body":"Every single time you choose to"},{"startTime":1632.85,"endTime":1637.95,"body":"stay present and regulated with"},{"startTime":1637.95,"endTime":1642.99,"body":"your kid in these hard moments,"},{"startTime":1637.95,"endTime":1642.99,"body":"even just for a few seconds, you're"},{"startTime":1642.99,"endTime":1644.7,"body":"building their ability to regulate."},{"startTime":1645.645,"endTime":1648.854,"body":"You're building their nervous"},{"startTime":1645.645,"endTime":1648.854,"body":"system and you're building"},{"startTime":1648.854,"endTime":1650.445,"body":"trust between the two of you."},{"startTime":1651.645,"endTime":1657.344,"body":"That's the real work of peaceful"},{"startTime":1651.645,"endTime":1657.344,"body":"parenting, not perfection progress."},{"startTime":1658.485,"endTime":1661.485,"body":"You're doing something"},{"startTime":1658.485,"endTime":1661.485,"body":"incredibly important."},{"startTime":1661.935,"endTime":1667.695,"body":"My friends, you might not see it right"},{"startTime":1661.935,"endTime":1667.695,"body":"away, but every time you sit with"},{"startTime":1667.695,"endTime":1672.975,"body":"your kids in their storm, instead"},{"startTime":1667.695,"endTime":1672.975,"body":"of running from it every time."},{"startTime":1673.77,"endTime":1675.66,"body":"You choose calm over chaos."},{"startTime":1676.32,"endTime":1682.59,"body":"You are changing the trajectory of their"},{"startTime":1676.32,"endTime":1682.59,"body":"entire emotional life and raising their"},{"startTime":1682.59,"endTime":1685.95,"body":"emotional intelligence that matters."},{"startTime":1686.37,"endTime":1686.715,"body":"You matter."},{"startTime":1687.645,"endTime":1688.335,"body":"This work."},{"startTime":1689.055,"endTime":1689.775,"body":"It's worth it."},{"startTime":1690.465,"endTime":1691.215,"body":"I guarantee it."},{"startTime":1692.685,"endTime":1696.435,"body":"Okay, until next time, I'm"},{"startTime":1692.685,"endTime":1696.435,"body":"wishing you Peaceful Parenting."},{"startTime":1699.195,"endTime":1701.325,"body":"Thanks for listening to Real"},{"startTime":1699.195,"endTime":1701.325,"body":"World Peaceful Parenting."},{"startTime":1701.805,"endTime":1704.535,"body":"If you want more info on how you"},{"startTime":1701.805,"endTime":1704.535,"body":"can transform your parenting,"},{"startTime":1704.805,"endTime":1706.665,"body":"visit the peaceful parent.com."},{"startTime":1706.665,"endTime":1707.26,"body":"See you soon."}]}