{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Welcome to Real World Peaceful"},{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Parenting, a podcast for parents"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"that are tired of yelling,"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"threatening, and punishing their kids."},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.73,"body":"Join mom and master certified parent"},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.73,"body":"coach Lisa Smith as she gives you"},{"startTime":11.73,"endTime":15.15,"body":"actionable step-by-step strategies"},{"startTime":11.73,"endTime":15.15,"body":"that'll help you transform your"},{"startTime":15.15,"endTime":17.4,"body":"household from chaos to cooperation."},{"startTime":17.82,"endTime":18.36,"body":"Let's dive in."},{"startTime":22.23,"endTime":26.25,"body":"Welcome, welcome, welcome,"},{"startTime":22.23,"endTime":26.25,"body":"welcome to today's episode."},{"startTime":26.91,"endTime":30.3,"body":"I am so grateful to be"},{"startTime":26.91,"endTime":30.3,"body":"with you here today."},{"startTime":31.05,"endTime":36.6,"body":"We just crossed the five year anniversary"},{"startTime":31.05,"endTime":36.6,"body":"of Real World Peaceful Parenting."},{"startTime":37.44,"endTime":41.55,"body":"I hope you're enjoying these"},{"startTime":37.44,"endTime":41.55,"body":"episodes as much as I am, and I'm"},{"startTime":41.55,"endTime":45.12,"body":"so grateful to be able to bring"},{"startTime":41.55,"endTime":45.12,"body":"you this content week to week."},{"startTime":45.72,"endTime":50.43,"body":"So thank you so much for listening"},{"startTime":45.72,"endTime":50.43,"body":"and learning and growing in"},{"startTime":50.43,"endTime":52.29,"body":"your Peaceful Parenting with me."},{"startTime":52.65,"endTime":54.3,"body":"I'm honored to be on"},{"startTime":52.65,"endTime":54.3,"body":"this journey with you."},{"startTime":55.215,"endTime":57.405,"body":"Last week we talked about co-regulation."},{"startTime":58.005,"endTime":62.145,"body":"We talked about what it is, why it"},{"startTime":58.005,"endTime":62.145,"body":"matters, and I gave you a really simple"},{"startTime":62.145,"endTime":67.575,"body":"practice to try with your kids, and I"},{"startTime":62.145,"endTime":67.575,"body":"have a feeling some of you tried it,"},{"startTime":68.535,"endTime":72.945,"body":"I'm guessing maybe it felt a little"},{"startTime":68.535,"endTime":72.945,"body":"awkward if you've never done it before."},{"startTime":73.305,"endTime":75.195,"body":"Maybe it felt too simple."},{"startTime":75.885,"endTime":80.685,"body":"Maybe you're sitting there thinking,"},{"startTime":75.885,"endTime":80.685,"body":"okay, Lisa, I need to understand"},{"startTime":80.685,"endTime":82.785,"body":"why this actually works well."},{"startTime":83.205,"endTime":87.675,"body":"Today's episode is going to answer"},{"startTime":83.205,"endTime":87.675,"body":"that question because here's the thing."},{"startTime":88.395,"endTime":92.895,"body":"Co-regulation, and I alluded to"},{"startTime":88.395,"endTime":92.895,"body":"this a little bit last week, isn't"},{"startTime":92.895,"endTime":94.634,"body":"just something we do for our kids."},{"startTime":95.475,"endTime":100.664,"body":"It's something that literally builds"},{"startTime":95.475,"endTime":100.664,"body":"their brain and ours for that matter."},{"startTime":101.265,"endTime":108.645,"body":"It's the mechanism, the actual biological"},{"startTime":101.265,"endTime":108.645,"body":"process through which your kid learns"},{"startTime":108.735,"endTime":110.414,"body":"to eventually regulate themselves."},{"startTime":111.195,"endTime":116.714,"body":"And this might sound really big, but"},{"startTime":111.195,"endTime":116.714,"body":"stay with me because I promise by the"},{"startTime":116.714,"endTime":120.914,"body":"end of this episode, you're going to"},{"startTime":116.714,"endTime":120.914,"body":"understand exactly what's happening"},{"startTime":121.274,"endTime":126.914,"body":"inside your kid's nervous system"},{"startTime":121.274,"endTime":126.914,"body":"when you show up, calm in the middle"},{"startTime":126.914,"endTime":132.825,"body":"of their storm, and you're going to"},{"startTime":126.914,"endTime":132.825,"body":"have real stories from real parents."},{"startTime":133.005,"endTime":136.365,"body":"Parents just like you that"},{"startTime":133.005,"endTime":136.365,"body":"show you what this looks like."},{"startTime":137.114,"endTime":138.464,"body":"Messy real life moments."},{"startTime":138.734,"endTime":140.265,"body":"Not perfect moments."},{"startTime":140.295,"endTime":141.195,"body":"Real moments."},{"startTime":141.855,"endTime":142.274,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":142.785,"endTime":143.084,"body":"All right."},{"startTime":143.084,"endTime":143.834,"body":"Let's dive in."},{"startTime":144.644,"endTime":148.005,"body":"Let me start with something that's"},{"startTime":144.644,"endTime":148.005,"body":"going to change the way you think about"},{"startTime":148.454,"endTime":150.975,"body":"every single meltdown from here on out."},{"startTime":151.785,"endTime":156.285,"body":"When your kid is falling apart"},{"startTime":151.785,"endTime":156.285,"body":"at any age, I'm talking two to"},{"startTime":156.285,"endTime":161.714,"body":"22, when they're falling apart,"},{"startTime":156.285,"endTime":161.714,"body":"when they're screaming, crying."},{"startTime":162.375,"endTime":165.945,"body":"Yelling, eye rolling, running away"},{"startTime":162.375,"endTime":165.945,"body":"from you, fighting with their sibling"},{"startTime":166.214,"endTime":168.135,"body":"when they're completely out of control."},{"startTime":168.915,"endTime":174.945,"body":"Your instinct might be to jump in and fix"},{"startTime":168.915,"endTime":174.945,"body":"it or even to panic a little yourself."},{"startTime":175.815,"endTime":180.315,"body":"But what if I told you the most"},{"startTime":175.815,"endTime":180.315,"body":"powerful thing you can do in that"},{"startTime":180.315,"endTime":188.024,"body":"moment is to simply stay calm and"},{"startTime":180.315,"endTime":188.024,"body":"regulated, not fix, not lecture,"},{"startTime":188.535,"endTime":190.364,"body":"not even say the perfect thing."},{"startTime":191.19,"endTime":197.82,"body":"Just stay calm and regulated"},{"startTime":191.19,"endTime":197.82,"body":"because here's what's happening"},{"startTime":197.82,"endTime":199.41,"body":"inside your child's body."},{"startTime":199.62,"endTime":204.48,"body":"When you do that, and this is the part"},{"startTime":199.62,"endTime":204.48,"body":"that blew my mind when I first learned it."},{"startTime":205.35,"endTime":213.3,"body":"Your kids' body and actually nervous"},{"startTime":205.35,"endTime":213.3,"body":"system actually starts to follow yours."},{"startTime":213.96,"endTime":216.24,"body":"This is proven scientifically."},{"startTime":217.29,"endTime":219.06,"body":"It's not something I made up."},{"startTime":220.035,"endTime":227.234,"body":"When you show up, calm and regulated, even"},{"startTime":220.035,"endTime":227.234,"body":"a little bit, even mpa, just a little bit,"},{"startTime":227.924,"endTime":234.704,"body":"and your heart rate slows down or is slow,"},{"startTime":227.924,"endTime":234.704,"body":"their heart rate begins to slow down."},{"startTime":235.545,"endTime":238.515,"body":"Their breathing starts"},{"startTime":235.545,"endTime":238.515,"body":"to sink up with yours."},{"startTime":239.475,"endTime":244.725,"body":"Their brain, which is in full"},{"startTime":239.475,"endTime":244.725,"body":"alarm mode, begins to use your"},{"startTime":244.725,"endTime":247.454,"body":"calm as a bridge back to safety."},{"startTime":248.22,"endTime":251.1,"body":"Neuroscientists call this Borrowed calm."},{"startTime":251.91,"endTime":257.519,"body":"Borrowed calm, and it's one of the most"},{"startTime":251.91,"endTime":257.519,"body":"beautiful things about how our nervous"},{"startTime":257.519,"endTime":260.43,"body":"systems are designed to work together."},{"startTime":261.18,"endTime":262.62,"body":"I really want you to hear this."},{"startTime":263.7,"endTime":265.77,"body":"Their heart rate starts to slow down."},{"startTime":266.49,"endTime":272.94,"body":"Their breathing starts to sync with yours"},{"startTime":266.49,"endTime":272.94,"body":"and their brain, which could be in full"},{"startTime":272.94,"endTime":276.245,"body":"alarm mode, begins to use your regulation."},{"startTime":277.11,"endTime":280.62,"body":"As a scaffold to find"},{"startTime":277.11,"endTime":280.62,"body":"its way back to calm."},{"startTime":281.52,"endTime":284.13,"body":"This isn't even something"},{"startTime":281.52,"endTime":284.13,"body":"you have to make happen."},{"startTime":284.49,"endTime":288.12,"body":"It happens automatically"},{"startTime":284.49,"endTime":288.12,"body":"because it's biology."},{"startTime":288.9,"endTime":292.68,"body":"It's how nervous systems are"},{"startTime":288.9,"endTime":292.68,"body":"designed to work together."},{"startTime":293.4,"endTime":295.469,"body":"And here's what this"},{"startTime":293.4,"endTime":295.469,"body":"means for you as a parent."},{"startTime":295.92,"endTime":301.2,"body":"Every single time you stay calm"},{"startTime":295.92,"endTime":301.2,"body":"during your kids' storms, you"},{"startTime":301.2,"endTime":305.28,"body":"are literally building their"},{"startTime":301.2,"endTime":305.28,"body":"calm muscles in their brain."},{"startTime":306.24,"endTime":309.03,"body":"You're not just getting 'em"},{"startTime":306.24,"endTime":309.03,"body":"through the moment you're"},{"startTime":309.03,"endTime":310.59,"body":"teaching their nervous system."},{"startTime":310.86,"endTime":316.23,"body":"What safety feels like, you're creating"},{"startTime":310.86,"endTime":316.23,"body":"the neural pathways that will eventually"},{"startTime":316.23,"endTime":318.48,"body":"allow them to do this on their own."},{"startTime":319.53,"endTime":321.63,"body":"Lemme tell you about a mom"},{"startTime":319.53,"endTime":321.63,"body":"in the hive named Jessica."},{"startTime":322.41,"endTime":327.6,"body":"Jessica's daughter Lily was having"},{"startTime":322.41,"endTime":327.6,"body":"one of those meltdowns that just stops"},{"startTime":327.6,"endTime":329.475,"body":"you in your tracks, breaks your heart."},{"startTime":330.705,"endTime":337.155,"body":"Lily, who's 13 was screaming, throwing"},{"startTime":330.705,"endTime":337.155,"body":"things, slamming her fists on the floor."},{"startTime":337.485,"endTime":339.885,"body":"Her body was completely outta control."},{"startTime":340.665,"endTime":344.775,"body":"Jessica told me, I heard her"},{"startTime":340.665,"endTime":344.775,"body":"doing this in her bedroom."},{"startTime":345.015,"endTime":345.915,"body":"I was in the kitchen."},{"startTime":346.485,"endTime":350.475,"body":"As I was walking to the bedroom,"},{"startTime":346.485,"endTime":350.475,"body":"Jessica said my heart started"},{"startTime":350.475,"endTime":352.605,"body":"racing and I was terrified."},{"startTime":353.415,"endTime":357.945,"body":"And then she said, I heard your"},{"startTime":353.415,"endTime":357.945,"body":"voice, Lisa, and you told me."},{"startTime":358.98,"endTime":360.03,"body":"I'm trained for this."},{"startTime":360.93,"endTime":362.19,"body":"I didn't even have to think."},{"startTime":362.46,"endTime":365.64,"body":"I moved into her bedroom,"},{"startTime":362.46,"endTime":365.64,"body":"calm and regulated."},{"startTime":366.63,"endTime":368.49,"body":"Jessica stayed close to her daughter."},{"startTime":369.15,"endTime":371.61,"body":"She made sure her breathing was slow."},{"startTime":372.54,"endTime":375.75,"body":"She didn't fix, she didn't"},{"startTime":372.54,"endTime":375.75,"body":"lecture, she didn't threaten."},{"startTime":376.44,"endTime":380.7,"body":"She just worked on staying"},{"startTime":376.44,"endTime":380.7,"body":"calm, her body and her mind,"},{"startTime":381.93,"endTime":384.335,"body":"and offering that calm to Lily."},{"startTime":385.44,"endTime":392.22,"body":"Slowly, Lily's body began to mimic"},{"startTime":385.44,"endTime":392.22,"body":"Jessica's, and it began to regulate."},{"startTime":393.48,"endTime":395.1,"body":"Now, here's where it"},{"startTime":393.48,"endTime":395.1,"body":"gets really important."},{"startTime":395.79,"endTime":399.36,"body":"Most parents would look at that"},{"startTime":395.79,"endTime":399.36,"body":"moment and think, I stayed calm,"},{"startTime":399.81,"endTime":401.34,"body":"and eventually she calmed down."},{"startTime":402.24,"endTime":403.65,"body":"That's not what actually happened."},{"startTime":404.55,"endTime":405.39,"body":"Biologically."},{"startTime":405.39,"endTime":409.95,"body":"What happened is that Lily's nervous"},{"startTime":405.39,"endTime":409.95,"body":"system borrowed Jessica's calm,"},{"startTime":410.76,"endTime":412.2,"body":"their heart rate started matching."},{"startTime":413.25,"endTime":414.81,"body":"Their breathing synchronized."},{"startTime":415.68,"endTime":420.06,"body":"Lily's brain used Jessica's"},{"startTime":415.68,"endTime":420.06,"body":"regulation as a scaffold."},{"startTime":421.17,"endTime":422.67,"body":"This isn't permissive parenting."},{"startTime":423.39,"endTime":425.37,"body":"This isn't letting her"},{"startTime":423.39,"endTime":425.37,"body":"get away with anything."},{"startTime":426.39,"endTime":430.98,"body":"This is biology borrowed"},{"startTime":426.39,"endTime":430.98,"body":"calm, builds the brain."},{"startTime":431.73,"endTime":433.59,"body":"Every time Jessica shows up like that."},{"startTime":434.4,"endTime":437.85,"body":"Frankly, anytime any of us show"},{"startTime":434.4,"endTime":437.85,"body":"up like that with our kids, we"},{"startTime":437.85,"endTime":439.86,"body":"are literally laying bricks."},{"startTime":440.534,"endTime":443.984,"body":"In our child's ability to"},{"startTime":440.534,"endTime":443.984,"body":"eventually do this themselves."},{"startTime":444.734,"endTime":449.474,"body":"I see this all the time in my"},{"startTime":444.734,"endTime":449.474,"body":"21-year-old and his ability to"},{"startTime":449.474,"endTime":452.115,"body":"self-regulate when things get tough."},{"startTime":453.495,"endTime":457.005,"body":"Okay, so we just talked about what happens"},{"startTime":453.495,"endTime":457.005,"body":"when a parent stays calm in that moment."},{"startTime":458.055,"endTime":460.755,"body":"But what about when the"},{"startTime":458.055,"endTime":460.755,"body":"parent can't or doesn't?"},{"startTime":462.255,"endTime":466.635,"body":"What about the times when we lose"},{"startTime":462.255,"endTime":466.635,"body":"it and we yell and we get angry"},{"startTime":466.935,"endTime":468.28,"body":"and say something we regret?"},{"startTime":469.35,"endTime":471.54,"body":"Does that mean bricks"},{"startTime":469.35,"endTime":471.54,"body":"come down from the wall?"},{"startTime":471.81,"endTime":474.12,"body":"Does that mean the kid unlearn?"},{"startTime":474.6,"endTime":476.76,"body":"Does that mean the"},{"startTime":474.6,"endTime":476.76,"body":"whole thing falls apart?"},{"startTime":477.03,"endTime":478.92,"body":"No, it absolutely does not."},{"startTime":479.79,"endTime":485.49,"body":"And this is really important that you"},{"startTime":479.79,"endTime":485.49,"body":"hear this because this might surprise you."},{"startTime":485.61,"endTime":491.37,"body":"But again, science shows us the kids"},{"startTime":485.61,"endTime":491.37,"body":"don't learn emotional regulation because"},{"startTime":491.37,"endTime":492.99,"body":"we're perfect and calm all the time."},{"startTime":493.98,"endTime":497.025,"body":"First of all, no human is"},{"startTime":493.98,"endTime":497.025,"body":"perfect and calm all the time."},{"startTime":498.479,"endTime":501.78,"body":"They learn it because they"},{"startTime":498.479,"endTime":501.78,"body":"experience what it looks like when"},{"startTime":501.78,"endTime":503.28,"body":"someone fights their way back."},{"startTime":504.09,"endTime":506.34,"body":"Let me say that again,"},{"startTime":504.09,"endTime":506.34,"body":"because it's important."},{"startTime":506.34,"endTime":507.179,"body":"They learn it."},{"startTime":507.51,"endTime":514.23,"body":"Our kids learn emotional regulation"},{"startTime":507.51,"endTime":514.23,"body":"because they see regulation and"},{"startTime":514.23,"endTime":517.62,"body":"they see what repair looks like"},{"startTime":514.23,"endTime":517.62,"body":"when there's dysregulation."},{"startTime":518.699,"endTime":521.1,"body":"I have a story from the"},{"startTime":518.699,"endTime":521.1,"body":"Hive that really shows this."},{"startTime":521.579,"endTime":526.199,"body":"A mom named Emma shared this with"},{"startTime":521.579,"endTime":526.199,"body":"me one morning, Emma woke up."},{"startTime":526.965,"endTime":527.865,"body":"She was sick."},{"startTime":528.255,"endTime":529.785,"body":"She was already dysregulated."},{"startTime":530.025,"endTime":533.145,"body":"Before her feet even hit"},{"startTime":530.025,"endTime":533.145,"body":"the floor, her throat hurt."},{"startTime":533.655,"endTime":534.945,"body":"She probably had a fever."},{"startTime":535.275,"endTime":536.595,"body":"She got a sleepless night."},{"startTime":537.015,"endTime":540.345,"body":"She was already on edge and"},{"startTime":537.015,"endTime":540.345,"body":"already running on empty."},{"startTime":541.185,"endTime":547.305,"body":"Her daughter Maya pushed a limit hard and"},{"startTime":541.185,"endTime":547.305,"body":"Emma got angry in the car, and afterwards"},{"startTime":547.815,"endTime":549.495,"body":"Emma cried the entire drive home."},{"startTime":550.335,"endTime":551.295,"body":"She felt terrible."},{"startTime":551.775,"endTime":555.885,"body":"She realized that instead of"},{"startTime":551.775,"endTime":555.885,"body":"the calm streaks she had going."},{"startTime":556.59,"endTime":560.49,"body":"With her daughter in the car because her"},{"startTime":556.59,"endTime":560.49,"body":"daughter was often dysregulated on the"},{"startTime":560.49,"endTime":566.64,"body":"way to school, and Emma had been doing"},{"startTime":560.49,"endTime":566.64,"body":"a great job of offering her daughter"},{"startTime":566.94,"endTime":571.08,"body":"regulation in the car and allowing her"},{"startTime":566.94,"endTime":571.08,"body":"to borrow it on the drive to school."},{"startTime":571.47,"endTime":575.16,"body":"But this morning, Emma"},{"startTime":571.47,"endTime":575.16,"body":"got angry and she lost it."},{"startTime":575.85,"endTime":577.74,"body":"And again, she cried"},{"startTime":575.85,"endTime":577.74,"body":"the entire drive home."},{"startTime":578.67,"endTime":579.57,"body":"She felt terrible."},{"startTime":580.35,"endTime":581.25,"body":"She walked in the house."},{"startTime":582.165,"endTime":583.035,"body":"And she stopped."},{"startTime":583.155,"endTime":586.365,"body":"She reflected, she remembered"},{"startTime":583.155,"endTime":586.365,"body":"what we talk about inside the"},{"startTime":586.365,"endTime":589.665,"body":"hive repair after dysregulation."},{"startTime":590.475,"endTime":593.475,"body":"So she sent a text to her daughter,"},{"startTime":590.475,"endTime":593.475,"body":"knowing her daughter would see"},{"startTime":593.475,"endTime":597.375,"body":"it at lunchtime, and she said,"},{"startTime":593.475,"endTime":597.375,"body":"I'm sorry for how I showed up."},{"startTime":598.245,"endTime":603.105,"body":"That's it, a simple, honest repair, and"},{"startTime":598.245,"endTime":603.105,"body":"here's why that moment mattered so much."},{"startTime":603.975,"endTime":606.314,"body":"Maya didn't just learn,"},{"startTime":603.975,"endTime":606.314,"body":"the mom made a mistake."},{"startTime":607.185,"endTime":609.675,"body":"She learned that big emotions"},{"startTime":607.185,"endTime":609.675,"body":"don't break connection."},{"startTime":610.515,"endTime":613.635,"body":"She learned that hard moments"},{"startTime":610.515,"endTime":613.635,"body":"don't mean abandonment."},{"startTime":614.505,"endTime":620.175,"body":"She learned that adults can lose it and"},{"startTime":614.505,"endTime":620.175,"body":"repair, and the relationship survives."},{"startTime":621.105,"endTime":623.475,"body":"That's what regulation"},{"startTime":621.105,"endTime":623.475,"body":"looks like in real time."},{"startTime":624.345,"endTime":626.775,"body":"It's not perfect, calm 24 7."},{"startTime":627.795,"endTime":632.235,"body":"It's the willingness to come back,"},{"startTime":627.795,"endTime":632.235,"body":"and here's the thing, every time"},{"startTime":632.235,"endTime":637.095,"body":"your kid watches you do that, every"},{"startTime":632.235,"endTime":637.095,"body":"time they experience that repair,"},{"startTime":637.995,"endTime":639.495,"body":"their nervous system is learning."},{"startTime":640.815,"endTime":642.315,"body":"This relationship is safe."},{"startTime":643.365,"endTime":644.805,"body":"Even when things get hard."},{"startTime":646.005,"endTime":646.815,"body":"This is safe."},{"startTime":647.745,"endTime":650.415,"body":"Regulation is social before it's internal."},{"startTime":651.315,"endTime":653.565,"body":"Your kid doesn't learn"},{"startTime":651.315,"endTime":653.565,"body":"it alone in a vacuum."},{"startTime":654.555,"endTime":659.295,"body":"They learn it inside A safe"},{"startTime":654.555,"endTime":659.295,"body":"relationship inside the messy,"},{"startTime":659.625,"endTime":665.055,"body":"imperfect, beautiful back and forth"},{"startTime":659.625,"endTime":665.055,"body":"of being in a safe family together."},{"startTime":665.85,"endTime":669.39,"body":"So we've talked about borrowed calm,"},{"startTime":665.85,"endTime":669.39,"body":"we've talked about repair today, and"},{"startTime":669.39,"endTime":674.16,"body":"now I wanna talk about something that"},{"startTime":669.39,"endTime":674.16,"body":"many of us have never even considered."},{"startTime":674.94,"endTime":676.05,"body":"Because here's what I know."},{"startTime":676.8,"endTime":681.99,"body":"When you co-regulate over and over and"},{"startTime":676.8,"endTime":681.99,"body":"over again with your kids at any age,"},{"startTime":682.62,"endTime":684.21,"body":"you're not just calming them down."},{"startTime":684.99,"endTime":688.89,"body":"You're allowing them to"},{"startTime":684.99,"endTime":688.89,"body":"learn and understand what's"},{"startTime":688.89,"endTime":690.9,"body":"happening inside themselves."},{"startTime":691.77,"endTime":693.51,"body":"And this is called attunement."},{"startTime":694.365,"endTime":700.395,"body":"And it's one of the most powerful things"},{"startTime":694.365,"endTime":700.395,"body":"or byproducts about co-regulation that"},{"startTime":700.395,"endTime":702.555,"body":"I don't think gets talked about enough."},{"startTime":703.425,"endTime":704.235,"body":"Here's what I mean."},{"startTime":705.195,"endTime":708.465,"body":"A mom in the hive, let's call"},{"startTime":705.195,"endTime":708.465,"body":"her, Jen, told me about a"},{"startTime":708.465,"endTime":709.905,"body":"moment with her son Oliver."},{"startTime":710.415,"endTime":714.165,"body":"Oliver was in the middle of one"},{"startTime":710.415,"endTime":714.165,"body":"of those argumentative spirals."},{"startTime":715.005,"endTime":718.725,"body":"And if you know, you know,"},{"startTime":715.005,"endTime":718.725,"body":"they were the kind that just"},{"startTime":718.725,"endTime":721.24,"body":"kept going on and on and on."},{"startTime":722.88,"endTime":727.56,"body":"Instead of engaging in the argument,"},{"startTime":722.88,"endTime":727.56,"body":"instead of trying to reason with Oliver"},{"startTime":727.77,"endTime":734.13,"body":"or lecture him or win or be dominant"},{"startTime":727.77,"endTime":734.13,"body":"and shut it down, Jen Choses in this"},{"startTime":734.13,"endTime":737.189,"body":"one moment to just stay calm and quiet."},{"startTime":738.15,"endTime":743.489,"body":"Now we're not talking about cold and"},{"startTime":738.15,"endTime":743.489,"body":"distant, just calm and present, but"},{"startTime":743.489,"endTime":749.489,"body":"making the decision to not feed the fire"},{"startTime":743.489,"endTime":749.489,"body":"or engage in the power struggle and."},{"startTime":750.12,"endTime":754.74,"body":"Oliver changed, not"},{"startTime":750.12,"endTime":754.74,"body":"instantly, but noticeably."},{"startTime":755.58,"endTime":756.78,"body":"He started reflecting."},{"startTime":757.53,"endTime":758.64,"body":"He apologized."},{"startTime":759.6,"endTime":761.46,"body":"He said, what can I do now?"},{"startTime":762.21,"endTime":766.29,"body":"And here's the part that really"},{"startTime":762.21,"endTime":766.29,"body":"gets me in those quiet moments."},{"startTime":766.47,"endTime":771.6,"body":"Oliver wasn't just regulating, his"},{"startTime":766.47,"endTime":771.6,"body":"brain was doing something incredible."},{"startTime":772.26,"endTime":775.29,"body":"It was mapping what we call mapping."},{"startTime":776.52,"endTime":777.48,"body":"It was noticing."},{"startTime":778.305,"endTime":782.984,"body":"He was able to notice that the"},{"startTime":778.305,"endTime":782.984,"body":"feeling I'm feeling is frustration"},{"startTime":784.094,"endTime":786.165,"body":"and the urge I'm having is impulse."},{"startTime":787.094,"endTime":789.464,"body":"And this emotion can rise and fall."},{"startTime":789.464,"endTime":792.885,"body":"It can come and go without"},{"startTime":789.464,"endTime":792.885,"body":"everything blowing up."},{"startTime":794.084,"endTime":798.974,"body":"And what's happening here is Oliver"},{"startTime":794.084,"endTime":798.974,"body":"wasn't just learning to calm and regulate."},{"startTime":800.055,"endTime":805.814,"body":"He was learning to understand what"},{"startTime":800.055,"endTime":805.814,"body":"was happening inside of him, which."},{"startTime":806.295,"endTime":811.305,"body":"Was building his emotional intelligence,"},{"startTime":806.295,"endTime":811.305,"body":"not through a lecture about his feelings,"},{"startTime":811.995,"endTime":817.545,"body":"but through the experience of being with"},{"startTime":811.995,"endTime":817.545,"body":"a regulated person during his big moments."},{"startTime":818.475,"endTime":819.405,"body":"And that's attunement."},{"startTime":820.245,"endTime":821.865,"body":"It doesn't happen when we're yelling."},{"startTime":822.645,"endTime":826.425,"body":"It doesn't happen when we're trying"},{"startTime":822.645,"endTime":826.425,"body":"to fix or control or reason while"},{"startTime":826.53,"endTime":831.675,"body":"our kid is dysregulated, because"},{"startTime":826.53,"endTime":831.675,"body":"the truth is if we're lecturing"},{"startTime":831.735,"endTime":833.865,"body":"or fixing or trying to control."},{"startTime":834.51,"endTime":837.57,"body":"Or help our kids see our point"},{"startTime":834.51,"endTime":837.57,"body":"while they're dysregulated,"},{"startTime":837.84,"endTime":839.13,"body":"they can't hear it anyway."},{"startTime":840.12,"endTime":842.13,"body":"Attunement happens through presence."},{"startTime":843.06,"endTime":848.67,"body":"It's every time you stay regulated with"},{"startTime":843.06,"endTime":848.67,"body":"your kid during a hard emotional moment."},{"startTime":849.45,"endTime":855.63,"body":"You're not just helping them calm"},{"startTime":849.45,"endTime":855.63,"body":"by borrowing your regulation, you're"},{"startTime":855.63,"endTime":858.15,"body":"teaching them what their feelings mean."},{"startTime":858.9,"endTime":863.195,"body":"You're showing them that these"},{"startTime":858.9,"endTime":863.195,"body":"big emotions are survivable."},{"startTime":864.225,"endTime":868.005,"body":"You're showing them that they can"},{"startTime":864.225,"endTime":868.005,"body":"be comfortable being uncomfortable."},{"startTime":868.844,"endTime":871.935,"body":"You're building the foundation"},{"startTime":868.844,"endTime":871.935,"body":"of emotional intelligence"},{"startTime":872.355,"endTime":875.175,"body":"that they will carry with them"},{"startTime":872.355,"endTime":875.175,"body":"for the rest of their life."},{"startTime":876.194,"endTime":879.435,"body":"And that my real world, peaceful"},{"startTime":876.194,"endTime":879.435,"body":"parent, that's everything."},{"startTime":880.515,"endTime":886.035,"body":"Now, let's address something directly"},{"startTime":880.515,"endTime":886.035,"body":"that some of you might be thinking,"},{"startTime":886.875,"endTime":890.475,"body":"Lisa, this sounds great, but aren't"},{"startTime":886.875,"endTime":890.475,"body":"we just letting them get away with it?"},{"startTime":890.865,"endTime":892.574,"body":"Aren't we just basically."},{"startTime":893.115,"endTime":895.005,"body":"Telling them there are no consequences."},{"startTime":895.485,"endTime":896.895,"body":"No, absolutely not."},{"startTime":897.885,"endTime":899.625,"body":"And I wanna be really clear about this."},{"startTime":900.584,"endTime":902.895,"body":"Safety is not the absence of limits."},{"startTime":903.735,"endTime":905.895,"body":"Safety is the presence of regulation."},{"startTime":906.824,"endTime":911.925,"body":"You can have limits in place and"},{"startTime":906.824,"endTime":911.925,"body":"co-regulate at the same time."},{"startTime":912.675,"endTime":915.615,"body":"We literally talked about"},{"startTime":912.675,"endTime":915.615,"body":"this last week, right?"},{"startTime":915.615,"endTime":916.635,"body":"I told you that."},{"startTime":917.324,"endTime":918.795,"body":"I said no to the candy bar."},{"startTime":919.545,"endTime":921.165,"body":"Malcolm stuck his tongue out at me."},{"startTime":921.584,"endTime":922.605,"body":"I was embarrassed."},{"startTime":923.459,"endTime":929.76,"body":"And angry and I offered him and myself"},{"startTime":923.459,"endTime":929.76,"body":"regulation and we talked about it later."},{"startTime":930.81,"endTime":934.11,"body":"Limits and co-regulation"},{"startTime":930.81,"endTime":934.11,"body":"are not opposites, and in"},{"startTime":934.11,"endTime":935.25,"body":"fact, they work together."},{"startTime":936.329,"endTime":939.66,"body":"Jessica, the mom I told you about"},{"startTime":936.329,"endTime":939.66,"body":"earlier with Lily, she shared"},{"startTime":939.66,"endTime":942.27,"body":"something with me after one of"},{"startTime":939.66,"endTime":942.27,"body":"those really intense meltdowns."},{"startTime":943.98,"endTime":947.55,"body":"She said, I didn't even have"},{"startTime":943.98,"endTime":947.55,"body":"to think I knew what to do."},{"startTime":948.27,"endTime":950.579,"body":"She wasn't controlling Lily's behavior."},{"startTime":951.27,"endTime":957.0,"body":"She was stabilizing Lily's nervous"},{"startTime":951.27,"endTime":957.0,"body":"system and once safety came online,"},{"startTime":957.15,"endTime":959.73,"body":"behavior follows every single time."},{"startTime":960.689,"endTime":962.31,"body":"Here's what I really need you to hear."},{"startTime":963.39,"endTime":969.36,"body":"Kids who struggle with regulation or kids"},{"startTime":963.39,"endTime":969.36,"body":"who are dysregulated are not failing."},{"startTime":970.469,"endTime":973.8,"body":"They're not being defiant"},{"startTime":970.469,"endTime":973.8,"body":"just to drive you crazy."},{"startTime":974.79,"endTime":978.36,"body":"What they are doing is they're"},{"startTime":974.79,"endTime":978.36,"body":"signaling that they need support."},{"startTime":979.53,"endTime":984.39,"body":"Not pressure, not demands,"},{"startTime":979.53,"endTime":984.39,"body":"not dominance support."},{"startTime":985.439,"endTime":987.54,"body":"And here's the light bulb"},{"startTime":985.439,"endTime":987.54,"body":"moment I want you to have."},{"startTime":987.99,"endTime":995.13,"body":"When safety increases, behavior changes,"},{"startTime":987.99,"endTime":995.13,"body":"I'd love for every one of us to write this"},{"startTime":995.13,"endTime":1000.56,"body":"on a post-it note and put it in our car"},{"startTime":995.13,"endTime":1000.56,"body":"and on our fridge and our bathroom mirror."},{"startTime":1001.49,"endTime":1006.92,"body":"When safety increases, behavior"},{"startTime":1001.49,"endTime":1006.92,"body":"changes, not because we force it."},{"startTime":1007.775,"endTime":1012.875,"body":"Not because we threaten it, but"},{"startTime":1007.775,"endTime":1012.875,"body":"because the nervous system finally"},{"startTime":1012.875,"endTime":1014.915,"body":"feels safe enough to learn."},{"startTime":1016.295,"endTime":1018.635,"body":"That is what co-regulation is doing."},{"startTime":1019.955,"endTime":1026.855,"body":"Every single time you show up regulated"},{"startTime":1019.955,"endTime":1026.855,"body":"in your child's storm, even imperfectly,"},{"startTime":1027.605,"endTime":1030.155,"body":"you are increasing their sense of safety."},{"startTime":1031.355,"endTime":1036.335,"body":"You are giving their brain the environment"},{"startTime":1031.355,"endTime":1036.335,"body":"it needs to build the very skills."},{"startTime":1037.46,"endTime":1038.66,"body":"You're hoping they'll develop."},{"startTime":1039.98,"endTime":1041.9,"body":"You are not letting them"},{"startTime":1039.98,"endTime":1041.9,"body":"get away with anything."},{"startTime":1042.2,"endTime":1045.95,"body":"You're giving them the one"},{"startTime":1042.2,"endTime":1045.95,"body":"thing they need most in order"},{"startTime":1046.1,"endTime":1049.04,"body":"to grow regulation and safety."},{"startTime":1050.54,"endTime":1055.01,"body":"Okay, with that in mind, here's your"},{"startTime":1050.54,"endTime":1055.01,"body":"homework this week, and this one"},{"startTime":1055.01,"endTime":1056.72,"body":"builds on what I gave you last week."},{"startTime":1057.74,"endTime":1060.17,"body":"So if you did that noticing"},{"startTime":1057.74,"endTime":1060.17,"body":"practice, you're already"},{"startTime":1060.17,"endTime":1062.81,"body":"ahead of the game this week."},{"startTime":1063.32,"endTime":1066.11,"body":"Next time your kid has"},{"startTime":1063.32,"endTime":1066.11,"body":"a big emotional moment."},{"startTime":1066.89,"endTime":1069.95,"body":"You managed to even"},{"startTime":1066.89,"endTime":1069.95,"body":"stay a little bit calm."},{"startTime":1071.06,"endTime":1074.57,"body":"I want you to say to yourself"},{"startTime":1071.06,"endTime":1074.57,"body":"in that moment, I'm building"},{"startTime":1074.57,"endTime":1075.56,"body":"their brain right now."},{"startTime":1076.85,"endTime":1077.45,"body":"That's it."},{"startTime":1077.81,"endTime":1083.96,"body":"Just that one sentence because it's true"},{"startTime":1077.81,"endTime":1083.96,"body":"and it's going to change how you see"},{"startTime":1084.29,"endTime":1086.33,"body":"what they're doing in those next moments."},{"startTime":1087.32,"endTime":1090.29,"body":"You're not just surviving the meltdown,"},{"startTime":1087.32,"endTime":1090.29,"body":"you're not just dealing with it."},{"startTime":1090.74,"endTime":1092.75,"body":"You're actively, biologically."},{"startTime":1093.47,"endTime":1096.2,"body":"Building your kids' capacity to regulate."},{"startTime":1097.34,"endTime":1097.85,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1098.72,"endTime":1099.23,"body":"Awesome."},{"startTime":1100.43,"endTime":1102.47,"body":"Okay, let's bring it all home."},{"startTime":1103.22,"endTime":1107.42,"body":"This week we went deep into why"},{"startTime":1103.22,"endTime":1107.42,"body":"co-regulation works, and here's what"},{"startTime":1107.42,"endTime":1112.1,"body":"I want you to walk away with first,"},{"startTime":1107.42,"endTime":1112.1,"body":"borrowed calm builds the brain."},{"startTime":1112.1,"endTime":1117.35,"body":"When you stay regulated during"},{"startTime":1112.1,"endTime":1117.35,"body":"your kid storm, their nervous"},{"startTime":1117.35,"endTime":1119.66,"body":"system literally sinks with yours."},{"startTime":1120.56,"endTime":1123.62,"body":"Their heart rate slows, their"},{"startTime":1120.56,"endTime":1123.62,"body":"breathing matches your own."},{"startTime":1124.31,"endTime":1127.67,"body":"You are giving their brain the"},{"startTime":1124.31,"endTime":1127.67,"body":"scaffold It needs to eventually"},{"startTime":1127.67,"endTime":1129.86,"body":"learn to do this on its own."},{"startTime":1130.43,"endTime":1132.8,"body":"Second regulation is social."},{"startTime":1132.8,"endTime":1133.91,"body":"Before it's internal."},{"startTime":1134.78,"endTime":1137.84,"body":"Your child doesn't learn"},{"startTime":1134.78,"endTime":1137.84,"body":"to regulate in isolation."},{"startTime":1138.77,"endTime":1144.62,"body":"They learn it inside a safe relationship"},{"startTime":1138.77,"endTime":1144.62,"body":"through repeated experiences of being"},{"startTime":1144.62,"endTime":1149.185,"body":"soothed, of watching repair and of"},{"startTime":1144.62,"endTime":1149.185,"body":"feeling safe, even when things are hard."},{"startTime":1150.409,"endTime":1155.51,"body":"Third attunement teaches meaning when"},{"startTime":1150.409,"endTime":1155.51,"body":"you are calm and present with your"},{"startTime":1155.51,"endTime":1160.159,"body":"kids during a big emotional moment,"},{"startTime":1155.51,"endTime":1160.159,"body":"you're not just helping them calm down."},{"startTime":1160.639,"endTime":1164.3,"body":"You're teaching them to understand"},{"startTime":1160.639,"endTime":1164.3,"body":"what's happening inside themselves."},{"startTime":1165.29,"endTime":1167.48,"body":"You're building emotional intelligence."},{"startTime":1168.47,"endTime":1174.889,"body":"And fourth, safety is not the absence of"},{"startTime":1168.47,"endTime":1174.889,"body":"limits, it's the presence of regulation."},{"startTime":1175.895,"endTime":1178.354,"body":"Kids who are struggling aren't failing."},{"startTime":1178.655,"endTime":1180.574,"body":"They're signaling that they need support."},{"startTime":1181.264,"endTime":1187.024,"body":"And when that safety increases, behavior"},{"startTime":1181.264,"endTime":1187.024,"body":"changes, every time, my friend, I"},{"startTime":1187.024,"endTime":1191.614,"body":"know this work can feel invisible"},{"startTime":1187.024,"endTime":1191.614,"body":"sometimes you're not seeing a trophy."},{"startTime":1191.614,"endTime":1195.905,"body":"At the end of the day, you're not"},{"startTime":1191.614,"endTime":1195.905,"body":"getting a gold star for staying calm"},{"startTime":1195.905,"endTime":1201.485,"body":"during the meltdown, and no one's giving"},{"startTime":1195.905,"endTime":1201.485,"body":"you a standing ovation, but I promise"},{"startTime":1201.485,"endTime":1203.675,"body":"you, something profound is happening."},{"startTime":1204.545,"endTime":1209.105,"body":"Every time you show up for your kid in"},{"startTime":1204.545,"endTime":1209.105,"body":"their hard moments, even when it's messy,"},{"startTime":1209.645,"endTime":1213.965,"body":"even when you have to repair afterwards,"},{"startTime":1209.645,"endTime":1213.965,"body":"you are building something inside"},{"startTime":1213.965,"endTime":1216.155,"body":"them that will last their entire life."},{"startTime":1217.085,"endTime":1220.055,"body":"You are teaching them that"},{"startTime":1217.085,"endTime":1220.055,"body":"emotions are survivable."},{"startTime":1220.715,"endTime":1222.575,"body":"You are teaching them that they are safe."},{"startTime":1222.575,"endTime":1225.185,"body":"You are teaching them that they matter."},{"startTime":1226.205,"endTime":1230.435,"body":"It's the legacy you're building"},{"startTime":1226.205,"endTime":1230.435,"body":"one regulated moment at a time."},{"startTime":1231.245,"endTime":1235.625,"body":"I know you can do this, and I'll"},{"startTime":1231.245,"endTime":1235.625,"body":"be with you every step of the way."},{"startTime":1236.705,"endTime":1240.065,"body":"Until next time, I'm wishing"},{"startTime":1236.705,"endTime":1240.065,"body":"you Peaceful parenting."},{"startTime":1242.645,"endTime":1244.775,"body":"Thanks for listening to Real"},{"startTime":1242.645,"endTime":1244.775,"body":"World Peaceful Parenting."},{"startTime":1245.255,"endTime":1247.985,"body":"If you want more info on how you"},{"startTime":1245.255,"endTime":1247.985,"body":"can transform your parenting,"},{"startTime":1248.285,"endTime":1249.935,"body":"visit the peaceful parent.com."},{"startTime":1250.145,"endTime":1250.68,"body":"See you soon."}]}