{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Welcome to Real World Peaceful"},{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Parenting, a podcast for parents"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"that are tired of yelling,"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"threatening, and punishing their kids."},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.73,"body":"Join mom and master certified parent"},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.73,"body":"coach Lisa Smith as she gives you"},{"startTime":11.73,"endTime":15.15,"body":"actionable step-by-step strategies"},{"startTime":11.73,"endTime":15.15,"body":"that'll help you transform your"},{"startTime":15.15,"endTime":17.4,"body":"household from chaos to cooperation."},{"startTime":17.82,"endTime":18.36,"body":"Let's dive in."},{"startTime":22.44,"endTime":26.88,"body":"Welcome, welcome, welcome,"},{"startTime":22.44,"endTime":26.88,"body":"welcome to today's episode."},{"startTime":27.765,"endTime":30.495,"body":"I am so thrilled to be"},{"startTime":27.765,"endTime":30.495,"body":"with you here today."},{"startTime":31.545,"endTime":33.225,"body":"Let me ask you something important."},{"startTime":33.405,"endTime":37.305,"body":"Have you ever had one of those moments"},{"startTime":33.405,"endTime":37.305,"body":"where you just, you know, lose it?"},{"startTime":38.025,"endTime":42.135,"body":"Maybe you yelled, maybe you threw a"},{"startTime":38.025,"endTime":42.135,"body":"bottle of seltzer across the room,"},{"startTime":42.615,"endTime":47.985,"body":"maybe you said something you immediately"},{"startTime":42.615,"endTime":47.985,"body":"wish you could take back, and then"},{"startTime":48.855,"endTime":50.415,"body":"that voice in your head kicked in."},{"startTime":50.565,"endTime":50.985,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":51.045,"endTime":56.12,"body":"The one that sounds like a mean coach"},{"startTime":51.045,"endTime":56.12,"body":"or a disappointed parent, it said."},{"startTime":57.285,"endTime":58.815,"body":"I should be better at this by now."},{"startTime":59.445,"endTime":60.435,"body":"I've read the books."},{"startTime":60.945,"endTime":62.655,"body":"I'm listening to Lisa's podcast."},{"startTime":63.195,"endTime":64.425,"body":"I've been working on this."},{"startTime":64.455,"endTime":65.895,"body":"Why am I still doing this?"},{"startTime":66.975,"endTime":70.725,"body":"And then maybe you look at your kid"},{"startTime":66.975,"endTime":70.725,"body":"and that same voice shows up for them."},{"startTime":71.985,"endTime":73.905,"body":"Why can't she just get"},{"startTime":71.985,"endTime":73.905,"body":"along with her brother?"},{"startTime":74.865,"endTime":77.565,"body":"Why is homework still a"},{"startTime":74.865,"endTime":77.565,"body":"battle every single the night?"},{"startTime":78.705,"endTime":80.595,"body":"Other kids seem to have this figured out."},{"startTime":80.685,"endTime":81.585,"body":"Why can't mine?"},{"startTime":82.485,"endTime":84.4,"body":"Well, if any of that sounds familiar."},{"startTime":85.425,"endTime":89.595,"body":"If you've ever felt like no matter how"},{"startTime":85.425,"endTime":89.595,"body":"hard you're trying, you're just not"},{"startTime":89.595,"endTime":96.195,"body":"getting there or reaching your goal, well"},{"startTime":89.595,"endTime":96.195,"body":"then today's episode is for you because"},{"startTime":96.675,"endTime":103.905,"body":"today I wanna introduce you to a concept"},{"startTime":96.675,"endTime":103.905,"body":"that completely changed how I see myself"},{"startTime":103.935,"endTime":106.635,"body":"as a parent and how I see my kid too."},{"startTime":107.745,"endTime":110.205,"body":"And once you see this, you can't unsee it."},{"startTime":111.105,"endTime":115.065,"body":"And I promise you it's gonna"},{"startTime":111.105,"endTime":115.065,"body":"shift something in you that's"},{"startTime":115.065,"endTime":116.655,"body":"been stuck for a long time."},{"startTime":118.035,"endTime":119.625,"body":"And it's called the gap."},{"startTime":119.7,"endTime":120.345,"body":"And the gain."},{"startTime":121.245,"endTime":125.745,"body":"And the gap in the gain come"},{"startTime":121.245,"endTime":125.745,"body":"from a book written by Dan"},{"startTime":125.745,"endTime":127.815,"body":"Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy."},{"startTime":128.835,"endTime":132.075,"body":"And I think it might be one of"},{"startTime":128.835,"endTime":132.075,"body":"the most important mindset shifts"},{"startTime":132.615,"endTime":134.115,"body":"you can make as a peaceful parent."},{"startTime":134.925,"endTime":136.995,"body":"And by the way, this isn't"},{"startTime":134.925,"endTime":136.995,"body":"just parenting theory."},{"startTime":137.595,"endTime":142.305,"body":"This is backed by solid neuroscience"},{"startTime":137.595,"endTime":142.305,"body":"about how your brain actually works."},{"startTime":143.025,"endTime":144.345,"body":"So let's dive in."},{"startTime":145.095,"endTime":148.545,"body":"Okay, so here's the basic idea,"},{"startTime":145.095,"endTime":148.545,"body":"and I want you to really listen"},{"startTime":148.545,"endTime":152.475,"body":"to this because I think it's"},{"startTime":148.545,"endTime":152.475,"body":"gonna land hard for some of you."},{"startTime":153.105,"endTime":158.355,"body":"Most of us, and I mean parents"},{"startTime":153.105,"endTime":158.355,"body":"especially, we're walking around measuring"},{"startTime":158.355,"endTime":161.505,"body":"ourselves against something ideal."},{"startTime":162.615,"endTime":166.845,"body":"We're walking around measuring ourselves"},{"startTime":162.615,"endTime":166.845,"body":"against the perfect version of ourselves."},{"startTime":167.235,"endTime":173.055,"body":"You know the parent who never yells, who"},{"startTime":167.235,"endTime":173.055,"body":"always has the right words, who handles"},{"startTime":173.055,"endTime":177.885,"body":"every meltdown with total calm grace,"},{"startTime":173.055,"endTime":177.885,"body":"while looking their absolute best, and"},{"startTime":177.885,"endTime":182.145,"body":"they're having their house decorated to"},{"startTime":177.885,"endTime":182.145,"body":"the nines while making homemade snacks."},{"startTime":183.135,"endTime":188.235,"body":"And what I want you to see is that"},{"startTime":183.135,"endTime":188.235,"body":"that goal or that ideal or that"},{"startTime":188.235,"endTime":191.085,"body":"target is out there in the distance."},{"startTime":191.88,"endTime":196.62,"body":"Every single day we look at it, whether"},{"startTime":191.88,"endTime":196.62,"body":"it's conscious or subconscious, and"},{"startTime":196.62,"endTime":198.18,"body":"we measure ourselves against it."},{"startTime":198.75,"endTime":202.98,"body":"And probably every single day we"},{"startTime":198.75,"endTime":202.98,"body":"feel like we're falling short."},{"startTime":203.85,"endTime":208.079,"body":"Sullivan and Hardy call that"},{"startTime":203.85,"endTime":208.079,"body":"space between where you are and"},{"startTime":208.079,"endTime":209.49,"body":"where you think you should be."},{"startTime":209.67,"endTime":210.66,"body":"They call it the gap."},{"startTime":211.829,"endTime":214.38,"body":"And here's the tricky thing about the gap."},{"startTime":214.8,"endTime":219.87,"body":"You never close the gap,"},{"startTime":214.8,"endTime":219.87,"body":"and here's why, because."},{"startTime":220.275,"endTime":223.575,"body":"The target or the goal or"},{"startTime":220.275,"endTime":223.575,"body":"the ideal keeps moving."},{"startTime":224.625,"endTime":225.584,"body":"Here's what I mean."},{"startTime":225.644,"endTime":229.875,"body":"Let's say you start working on peaceful"},{"startTime":225.644,"endTime":229.875,"body":"parenting and you stop yelling."},{"startTime":230.984,"endTime":232.035,"body":"That's your goal, right?"},{"startTime":232.454,"endTime":238.245,"body":"It's a worthwhile goal, and"},{"startTime":232.454,"endTime":238.245,"body":"I help you stop yelling."},{"startTime":239.024,"endTime":239.355,"body":"Okay?"},{"startTime":239.385,"endTime":240.195,"body":"So we get there."},{"startTime":240.195,"endTime":243.945,"body":"We're no longer yelling, but then"},{"startTime":240.195,"endTime":243.945,"body":"suddenly you notice your tone."},{"startTime":244.545,"endTime":248.024,"body":"Oof, man, I, I've got a"},{"startTime":244.545,"endTime":248.024,"body":"tone that needs some work."},{"startTime":249.0,"endTime":253.62,"body":"So now the goal becomes don't yell"},{"startTime":249.0,"endTime":253.62,"body":"and don't use that sharp tone."},{"startTime":254.67,"endTime":255.06,"body":"Okay?"},{"startTime":255.45,"endTime":259.53,"body":"So you and I work on your tone and we"},{"startTime":255.45,"endTime":259.53,"body":"get that under control, and then you"},{"startTime":259.53,"endTime":261.18,"body":"notice that you're not really listening."},{"startTime":261.18,"endTime":263.16,"body":"When your kids talk to"},{"startTime":261.18,"endTime":263.16,"body":"you, you're zoning out."},{"startTime":264.09,"endTime":269.79,"body":"So now the target moves again and becomes,"},{"startTime":264.09,"endTime":269.79,"body":"don't yell, don't use a sharp tone and"},{"startTime":269.85,"endTime":273.0,"body":"listen attentively and fully present."},{"startTime":273.81,"endTime":278.04,"body":"You see what's happening every"},{"startTime":273.81,"endTime":278.04,"body":"time you grow the target."},{"startTime":279.375,"endTime":280.484,"body":"The goal grows too."},{"startTime":281.625,"endTime":285.974,"body":"It's like endless scrolling or like"},{"startTime":281.625,"endTime":285.974,"body":"climbing a mountain and discovering"},{"startTime":285.974,"endTime":288.405,"body":"there's another beautiful peak behind it."},{"startTime":288.794,"endTime":290.145,"body":"And then another one behind that."},{"startTime":290.895,"endTime":294.375,"body":"And you know, this is the"},{"startTime":290.895,"endTime":294.375,"body":"curse of growth-minded parents."},{"startTime":294.734,"endTime":298.125,"body":"The more you learn, the more you"},{"startTime":294.734,"endTime":298.125,"body":"see what you're not doing yet."},{"startTime":298.905,"endTime":304.304,"body":"The barge just keeps getting higher and"},{"startTime":298.905,"endTime":304.304,"body":"higher and higher, and you can work your"},{"startTime":304.304,"endTime":306.344,"body":"entire life trying to reach that goal."},{"startTime":307.469,"endTime":309.81,"body":"Never get there because"},{"startTime":307.469,"endTime":309.81,"body":"there doesn't exist."},{"startTime":310.62,"endTime":314.039,"body":"The more you learn, the more you"},{"startTime":310.62,"endTime":314.039,"body":"grow, the higher you set the bar."},{"startTime":314.789,"endTime":319.919,"body":"So you could be doing genuinely"},{"startTime":314.789,"endTime":319.919,"body":"transformative work with me as a parent."},{"startTime":320.7,"endTime":324.24,"body":"Maybe you sell every single day,"},{"startTime":320.7,"endTime":324.24,"body":"and now it happens once a week."},{"startTime":325.14,"endTime":328.979,"body":"But if you're measuring against"},{"startTime":325.14,"endTime":328.979,"body":"perfection, even that yelling"},{"startTime":328.979,"endTime":330.69,"body":"once a week feels like a failure."},{"startTime":331.8,"endTime":332.31,"body":"I get it."},{"startTime":332.925,"endTime":335.145,"body":"Lemme tell you about"},{"startTime":332.925,"endTime":335.145,"body":"a mom inside the hive."},{"startTime":335.655,"endTime":336.675,"body":"Let's call her Erin."},{"startTime":337.455,"endTime":342.795,"body":"Erin joined the Hive feeling completely"},{"startTime":337.455,"endTime":342.795,"body":"defeated on her first coaching call."},{"startTime":342.795,"endTime":348.735,"body":"She said, Lisa, I'm still yelling, and I"},{"startTime":342.795,"endTime":348.735,"body":"really thought I'd be past this by now."},{"startTime":349.635,"endTime":352.395,"body":"And I asked her, how"},{"startTime":349.635,"endTime":352.395,"body":"often were you yelling?"},{"startTime":352.845,"endTime":353.715,"body":"Six months ago?"},{"startTime":354.075,"endTime":354.795,"body":"And she laughed."},{"startTime":354.825,"endTime":356.985,"body":"Oh, every single day,"},{"startTime":354.825,"endTime":356.985,"body":"multiple times a day."},{"startTime":357.99,"endTime":364.86,"body":"I said, and now she goes, well, now it's"},{"startTime":357.99,"endTime":364.86,"body":"maybe once, maybe twice a week maybe."},{"startTime":366.24,"endTime":369.48,"body":"Do you hear that Erin went"},{"startTime":366.24,"endTime":369.48,"body":"from yelling multiple times a"},{"startTime":369.48,"endTime":371.4,"body":"day to once or twice a week?"},{"startTime":372.42,"endTime":374.31,"body":"That's massive transformation."},{"startTime":375.09,"endTime":379.08,"body":"That's real change, but Erin"},{"startTime":375.09,"endTime":379.08,"body":"couldn't see it because she was"},{"startTime":379.08,"endTime":383.655,"body":"standing in the gap staring at"},{"startTime":379.08,"endTime":383.655,"body":"the ideal situation or the target."},{"startTime":384.675,"endTime":387.914,"body":"All she could feel was how"},{"startTime":384.675,"endTime":387.914,"body":"far away she still was."},{"startTime":388.875,"endTime":392.745,"body":"And here's what makes this"},{"startTime":388.875,"endTime":392.745,"body":"gap concept even worse."},{"startTime":393.015,"endTime":394.575,"body":"We do the same thing with our kids."},{"startTime":395.354,"endTime":398.534,"body":"We have this picture in our heads"},{"startTime":395.354,"endTime":398.534,"body":"of what they should be doing."},{"startTime":398.625,"endTime":402.735,"body":"By now, I mean, it sounds"},{"startTime":398.625,"endTime":402.735,"body":"like your 2-year-old should"},{"startTime":402.735,"endTime":403.815,"body":"be sleeping through the night."},{"startTime":404.414,"endTime":407.625,"body":"Your 7-year-old should be able to"},{"startTime":404.414,"endTime":407.625,"body":"handle all of their big emotions."},{"startTime":408.284,"endTime":412.094,"body":"Your teenagers should be more"},{"startTime":408.284,"endTime":412.094,"body":"responsible with their schoolwork."},{"startTime":413.1,"endTime":417.51,"body":"When they're not there yet, we get"},{"startTime":413.1,"endTime":417.51,"body":"frustrated, we get disappointed,"},{"startTime":418.23,"endTime":422.25,"body":"and sometimes without meaning to, we"},{"startTime":418.23,"endTime":422.25,"body":"let 'em know it, and that's the gap."},{"startTime":422.88,"endTime":426.15,"body":"The problem with the gap is"},{"startTime":422.88,"endTime":426.15,"body":"it steals joy from everyone."},{"startTime":426.87,"endTime":427.38,"body":"Everyone."},{"startTime":427.38,"endTime":427.83,"body":"I tell you."},{"startTime":429.51,"endTime":434.13,"body":"Now, here's why this matters so much from"},{"startTime":429.51,"endTime":434.13,"body":"a brain science perspective, and this"},{"startTime":434.13,"endTime":438.42,"body":"is the part that really changed things"},{"startTime":434.13,"endTime":438.42,"body":"for me, when you're stuck in the gap."},{"startTime":439.68,"endTime":445.95,"body":"Your body interprets it as a threat,"},{"startTime":439.68,"endTime":445.95,"body":"all that shame, all that frustration"},{"startTime":446.28,"endTime":447.84,"body":"about not being good enough."},{"startTime":447.84,"endTime":454.2,"body":"Yet your system, specifically your"},{"startTime":447.84,"endTime":454.2,"body":"amygdala, reads this as danger, which"},{"startTime":454.2,"endTime":459.12,"body":"means you're operating from your emotional"},{"startTime":454.2,"endTime":459.12,"body":"brain, your middle brain, the part of"},{"startTime":459.12,"endTime":465.81,"body":"your brain that creates all of your"},{"startTime":459.12,"endTime":465.81,"body":"emotions, including shame and frustration."},{"startTime":466.83,"endTime":467.655,"body":"And here's what we know."},{"startTime":468.735,"endTime":472.305,"body":"From science, you can't learn or change."},{"startTime":473.415,"endTime":479.205,"body":"When you're feeling shame and frustration,"},{"startTime":473.415,"endTime":479.205,"body":"you can't reflect, you can't problem"},{"startTime":479.205,"endTime":484.335,"body":"solve, and you can't make new choices"},{"startTime":479.205,"endTime":484.335,"body":"because you're not in your higher brain,"},{"startTime":484.335,"endTime":489.015,"body":"your prefrontal cortex where all of"},{"startTime":484.335,"endTime":489.015,"body":"those activities happen, and on top of"},{"startTime":489.015,"endTime":494.655,"body":"it, your middle brain is busy protecting"},{"startTime":489.015,"endTime":494.655,"body":"you from the feeling of failure because"},{"startTime":494.655,"endTime":496.065,"body":"it thinks it's saving your life."},{"startTime":496.65,"endTime":498.84,"body":"Your middle brain is not"},{"startTime":496.65,"endTime":498.84,"body":"interested in your growth."},{"startTime":498.96,"endTime":500.46,"body":"It's interested in your survival."},{"startTime":501.12,"endTime":505.68,"body":"And when you're in that shame"},{"startTime":501.12,"endTime":505.68,"body":"spiral, feeling like you're not"},{"startTime":505.68,"endTime":509.31,"body":"good enough, your higher brain, the"},{"startTime":505.68,"endTime":509.31,"body":"part that can actually think clearly"},{"startTime":509.61,"endTime":513.69,"body":"and make thoughtful decisions and"},{"startTime":509.61,"endTime":513.69,"body":"sort things out, it goes offline."},{"startTime":514.83,"endTime":520.53,"body":"So when you measure yourself against an"},{"startTime":514.83,"endTime":520.53,"body":"impossible target goal or idea, and you"},{"startTime":520.53,"endTime":521.85,"body":"feel like you're constantly failing."},{"startTime":523.005,"endTime":525.735,"body":"You're not just feeling bad"},{"startTime":523.005,"endTime":525.735,"body":"when this is all happening."},{"startTime":525.975,"endTime":529.545,"body":"You're literally shutting down"},{"startTime":525.975,"endTime":529.545,"body":"the part of your brain that"},{"startTime":529.545,"endTime":530.865,"body":"could actually help you grow."},{"startTime":531.765,"endTime":535.125,"body":"And this is why the gap is"},{"startTime":531.765,"endTime":535.125,"body":"so dangerous and troublesome."},{"startTime":535.875,"endTime":538.275,"body":"The gap doesn't just"},{"startTime":535.875,"endTime":538.275,"body":"make you feel terrible."},{"startTime":538.875,"endTime":540.135,"body":"It keeps you stuck."},{"startTime":541.155,"endTime":542.835,"body":"The gap keeps you stuck."},{"startTime":544.125,"endTime":545.985,"body":"Okay, so what's the alternative?"},{"startTime":546.015,"endTime":550.185,"body":"Well, Sullivan and Hardy call it the"},{"startTime":546.015,"endTime":550.185,"body":"gain, and it's beautifully simple."},{"startTime":550.98,"endTime":555.42,"body":"Instead of measuring forward"},{"startTime":550.98,"endTime":555.42,"body":"towards the impossible, towards"},{"startTime":555.42,"endTime":560.67,"body":"the moving idea, target and goal,"},{"startTime":555.42,"endTime":560.67,"body":"they want you to measure backwards."},{"startTime":561.54,"endTime":565.08,"body":"Look at where you started, and"},{"startTime":561.54,"endTime":565.08,"body":"measure how far you've come."},{"startTime":566.04,"endTime":569.97,"body":"And when we do this, especially in"},{"startTime":566.04,"endTime":569.97,"body":"parenting and especially with our"},{"startTime":569.97,"endTime":572.25,"body":"kids, the whole picture changes."},{"startTime":573.3,"endTime":575.94,"body":"That parent who went from yelling"},{"startTime":573.3,"endTime":575.94,"body":"multiple times a day to once"},{"startTime":575.94,"endTime":577.95,"body":"a week, that's not a failure."},{"startTime":578.31,"endTime":579.57,"body":"That's transformation."},{"startTime":580.35,"endTime":581.16,"body":"That's the gain."},{"startTime":581.94,"endTime":587.67,"body":"When you live in that gain, you start"},{"startTime":581.94,"endTime":587.67,"body":"noticing things like, oh my gosh, last"},{"startTime":587.67,"endTime":593.22,"body":"month I would've completely spiraled"},{"startTime":587.67,"endTime":593.22,"body":"after that argument with my kid today."},{"startTime":593.31,"endTime":597.0,"body":"I took a breath first or six months ago."},{"startTime":597.33,"endTime":599.1,"body":"I didn't even know what repair was."},{"startTime":599.46,"endTime":600.3,"body":"Now look at me."},{"startTime":600.51,"endTime":604.89,"body":"I go back and I say to my kid,"},{"startTime":600.51,"endTime":604.89,"body":"Hey, I'm sorry that wasn't okay."},{"startTime":604.89,"endTime":605.82,"body":"Let me try again."},{"startTime":607.83,"endTime":611.73,"body":"A year ago, bedtime was a"},{"startTime":607.83,"endTime":611.73,"body":"screaming match every single night."},{"startTime":612.24,"endTime":616.65,"body":"And now most nights we actually"},{"startTime":612.24,"endTime":616.65,"body":"connect before they fall asleep."},{"startTime":617.58,"endTime":619.5,"body":"You see, that's real progress."},{"startTime":620.49,"endTime":624.3,"body":"And when you measure from where"},{"startTime":620.49,"endTime":624.3,"body":"you started, you actually feel"},{"startTime":624.48,"endTime":630.48,"body":"that progress and hope comes back"},{"startTime":624.48,"endTime":630.48,"body":"and the motivation comes back and"},{"startTime":630.48,"endTime":635.28,"body":"continues, and you remember why you're"},{"startTime":630.48,"endTime":635.28,"body":"doing this work in the first place."},{"startTime":636.405,"endTime":636.824,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":637.635,"endTime":638.415,"body":"Oh my gosh."},{"startTime":638.474,"endTime":641.175,"body":"The gain is so amazing."},{"startTime":641.204,"endTime":648.885,"body":"It's such a beautiful place to sit in"},{"startTime":641.204,"endTime":648.885,"body":"because what happens neurologically"},{"startTime":649.275,"endTime":653.355,"body":"when you shift from the gap to the"},{"startTime":649.275,"endTime":653.355,"body":"gain, when you look at evidence of"},{"startTime":653.355,"endTime":657.915,"body":"your own growth and you acknowledge"},{"startTime":653.355,"endTime":657.915,"body":"how far you've come, your nervous"},{"startTime":657.915,"endTime":665.204,"body":"system calms down, the shame lifts,"},{"startTime":657.915,"endTime":665.204,"body":"the frustration eases, and suddenly."},{"startTime":665.715,"endTime":671.955,"body":"Your higher brain comes back online and"},{"startTime":665.715,"endTime":671.955,"body":"that part, your higher brain can actually"},{"startTime":671.955,"endTime":675.105,"body":"reflect, learn, and make new choices."},{"startTime":676.215,"endTime":679.995,"body":"This is why the gain isn't"},{"startTime":676.215,"endTime":679.995,"body":"just a nice mindset trick."},{"startTime":680.625,"endTime":684.825,"body":"It's literally changing your"},{"startTime":680.625,"endTime":684.825,"body":"brain's ability to grow."},{"startTime":686.055,"endTime":690.945,"body":"Sullivan and Hardy lay out three big"},{"startTime":686.055,"endTime":690.945,"body":"ideas in their book, and I think all"},{"startTime":690.945,"endTime":693.675,"body":"three are incredibly relevant Parenting."},{"startTime":694.575,"endTime":699.525,"body":"The first one is, as we've talked about"},{"startTime":694.575,"endTime":699.525,"body":"so far, measure backwards, not forwards."},{"startTime":700.095,"endTime":701.475,"body":"Measure the gain, not the gap."},{"startTime":702.375,"endTime":706.695,"body":"They encourage you to stop comparing"},{"startTime":702.375,"endTime":706.695,"body":"yourself to the ideal parent in your head."},{"startTime":707.955,"endTime":712.215,"body":"Start comparing yourself to who you"},{"startTime":707.955,"endTime":712.215,"body":"were before you started this journey."},{"startTime":713.415,"endTime":716.205,"body":"That's where the real"},{"startTime":713.415,"endTime":716.205,"body":"evidence of growth lives."},{"startTime":717.345,"endTime":721.155,"body":"Second, every experience becomes a gain."},{"startTime":721.68,"endTime":725.61,"body":"When you learn from it, even the hard"},{"startTime":721.68,"endTime":725.61,"body":"ones, even the nights you yelled,"},{"startTime":726.09,"endTime":728.58,"body":"even the moments you're not proud of."},{"startTime":730.14,"endTime":734.13,"body":"When you look at those moments"},{"startTime":730.14,"endTime":734.13,"body":"and you ask, what did I learn?"},{"startTime":734.97,"endTime":738.42,"body":"What can I do differently"},{"startTime":734.97,"endTime":738.42,"body":"next time nothing is wasted."},{"startTime":739.53,"endTime":743.01,"body":"And third, and this is where it"},{"startTime":739.53,"endTime":743.01,"body":"really lands for exhausted parents."},{"startTime":743.49,"endTime":745.5,"body":"The gain gives you your power back."},{"startTime":746.61,"endTime":749.85,"body":"When you tie your wellbeing to"},{"startTime":746.61,"endTime":749.85,"body":"an ideal you haven't reached yet."},{"startTime":750.959,"endTime":755.4,"body":"You're basically saying, I can't"},{"startTime":750.959,"endTime":755.4,"body":"feel good about myself until I"},{"startTime":755.4,"endTime":757.41,"body":"reach it, or until I'm perfect."},{"startTime":758.31,"endTime":760.23,"body":"And as we know, perfect never comes."},{"startTime":760.829,"endTime":762.06,"body":"So you never feel good."},{"startTime":763.29,"endTime":768.48,"body":"But when you shifted the gain, when you"},{"startTime":763.29,"endTime":768.48,"body":"look at where you were and where you are"},{"startTime":768.48,"endTime":775.35,"body":"now, suddenly you have real proof, real"},{"startTime":768.48,"endTime":775.35,"body":"concrete proof that you're growing and"},{"startTime":775.35,"endTime":777.84,"body":"that proof, that's what keeps you going."},{"startTime":778.62,"endTime":779.605,"body":"That's what builds hope."},{"startTime":780.975,"endTime":785.265,"body":"That's what makes this whole journey"},{"startTime":780.975,"endTime":785.265,"body":"feel possible instead of impossible."},{"startTime":786.795,"endTime":789.495,"body":"Lemme tell you about a moment with"},{"startTime":786.795,"endTime":789.495,"body":"Malcolm that really showed me this."},{"startTime":789.675,"endTime":795.135,"body":"He was about 14 and we were having one of"},{"startTime":789.675,"endTime":795.135,"body":"those circular arguments, you know, the"},{"startTime":795.135,"endTime":799.965,"body":"power struggle and you know the kind where"},{"startTime":795.135,"endTime":799.965,"body":"you're both saying the same things over"},{"startTime":799.965,"endTime":801.885,"body":"and over again and nobody's listening."},{"startTime":802.875,"endTime":805.845,"body":"And in the middle of it, I caught myself."},{"startTime":806.564,"endTime":807.495,"body":"I took a deep breath."},{"startTime":808.395,"endTime":814.125,"body":"Instead of continuing to fight, I"},{"startTime":808.395,"endTime":814.125,"body":"said, Hey, I'm noticing we're stuck."},{"startTime":814.875,"endTime":819.825,"body":"Can we pause and regulate and"},{"startTime":814.875,"endTime":819.825,"body":"try this again in a little bit?"},{"startTime":821.235,"endTime":825.945,"body":"And Malcolm looked at me and"},{"startTime":821.235,"endTime":825.945,"body":"he said, mom, three years ago"},{"startTime":826.065,"endTime":827.175,"body":"you would've never done that."},{"startTime":828.285,"endTime":829.245,"body":"I'm so proud of you."},{"startTime":830.175,"endTime":830.955,"body":"And he was right."},{"startTime":831.525,"endTime":833.805,"body":"Three years earlier,"},{"startTime":831.525,"endTime":833.805,"body":"I would've kept going."},{"startTime":834.675,"endTime":835.845,"body":"I would've had to win."},{"startTime":837.03,"endTime":840.0,"body":"I would've felt like if I took a pause."},{"startTime":840.24,"endTime":843.689,"body":"Not only was I not winning, but"},{"startTime":840.24,"endTime":843.689,"body":"I was losing and I would've made"},{"startTime":843.689,"endTime":846.45,"body":"it worse, but this time I didn't."},{"startTime":847.38,"endTime":849.87,"body":"I noticed that I was dysregulated."},{"startTime":850.439,"endTime":855.06,"body":"I noticed that we weren't"},{"startTime":850.439,"endTime":855.06,"body":"getting anywhere, and I invited"},{"startTime":855.06,"endTime":857.25,"body":"myself to pause and regulate."},{"startTime":858.15,"endTime":862.71,"body":"I needed some space to be able"},{"startTime":858.15,"endTime":862.71,"body":"to regulate myself, and I asked"},{"startTime":862.71,"endTime":865.11,"body":"for what I needed and he noticed."},{"startTime":866.444,"endTime":870.314,"body":"That's the gain, not perfection progress."},{"startTime":871.365,"endTime":877.005,"body":"Now here's where I wanna take this a step"},{"startTime":871.365,"endTime":877.005,"body":"further because I think this is where"},{"startTime":877.005,"endTime":879.045,"body":"it gets really powerful for families."},{"startTime":881.385,"endTime":886.275,"body":"What if you started measuring your kids"},{"startTime":881.385,"endTime":886.275,"body":"in the gain too instead of the gap?"},{"startTime":887.954,"endTime":888.615,"body":"Think about it."},{"startTime":889.574,"endTime":894.375,"body":"So, so, so often we look at"},{"startTime":889.574,"endTime":894.375,"body":"our kids and we see the gap."},{"startTime":895.155,"endTime":896.535,"body":"I'm guilty of this too."},{"startTime":896.595,"endTime":899.955,"body":"Even with a 21-year-old, we see the gap."},{"startTime":900.345,"endTime":902.325,"body":"We see the homework"},{"startTime":900.345,"endTime":902.325,"body":"that's not getting done."},{"startTime":902.865,"endTime":905.955,"body":"We see the sibling fighting,"},{"startTime":902.865,"endTime":905.955,"body":"we see the meltdowns."},{"startTime":906.045,"endTime":907.395,"body":"We see the messy room."},{"startTime":907.965,"endTime":912.945,"body":"We see them not being able to complete"},{"startTime":907.965,"endTime":912.945,"body":"the chores exactly when we ask and"},{"startTime":912.945,"endTime":914.655,"body":"we see where they're not there yet."},{"startTime":915.255,"endTime":921.405,"body":"And oftentimes we feel this"},{"startTime":915.255,"endTime":921.405,"body":"urgency to focus on the not there"},{"startTime":921.405,"endTime":923.955,"body":"yet and work to get them there."},{"startTime":924.795,"endTime":926.985,"body":"But what if you flipped it?"},{"startTime":928.035,"endTime":931.455,"body":"What if, instead of focusing"},{"startTime":928.035,"endTime":931.455,"body":"on where they're falling short,"},{"startTime":932.055,"endTime":936.645,"body":"you measured backwards and you"},{"startTime":932.055,"endTime":936.645,"body":"reflected the progress back to them."},{"startTime":937.395,"endTime":939.705,"body":"Here's what happens when you do that."},{"startTime":940.365,"endTime":945.585,"body":"First, you're giving your kids evidence"},{"startTime":940.365,"endTime":945.585,"body":"of their own growth evidence they"},{"startTime":946.095,"endTime":951.285,"body":"probably can't see for themselves yet,"},{"startTime":946.095,"endTime":951.285,"body":"and that evidence, it builds hope."},{"startTime":951.675,"endTime":952.964,"body":"It builds confidence."},{"startTime":953.625,"endTime":959.985,"body":"It builds their belief that they're going"},{"startTime":953.625,"endTime":959.985,"body":"to get where you and they want them to be."},{"startTime":961.095,"endTime":963.555,"body":"But second, and this is the"},{"startTime":961.095,"endTime":963.555,"body":"part that really matters."},{"startTime":963.615,"endTime":969.045,"body":"When you reflect the gain back to"},{"startTime":963.615,"endTime":969.045,"body":"your kids, you're helping their"},{"startTime":969.045,"endTime":971.084,"body":"nervous system stay regulated."},{"startTime":971.324,"endTime":973.545,"body":"You're offering co-regulation."},{"startTime":974.235,"endTime":978.285,"body":"You're helping their higher"},{"startTime":974.235,"endTime":978.285,"body":"brain stay online and."},{"startTime":979.199,"endTime":984.75,"body":"When a kid hears nothing but what they're"},{"startTime":979.199,"endTime":984.75,"body":"doing wrong, what they're not yet what"},{"startTime":984.75,"endTime":990.66,"body":"they need to fix, their nervous system"},{"startTime":984.75,"endTime":990.66,"body":"begins to interpret all of that language"},{"startTime":990.689,"endTime":998.31,"body":"as a threat, and shame kicks in and"},{"startTime":990.689,"endTime":998.31,"body":"frustration kicks in, and then their"},{"startTime":998.31,"endTime":1004.01,"body":"emotional brain, their middle brain"},{"startTime":998.31,"endTime":1004.01,"body":"takes over and they can't learn and they"},{"startTime":1004.01,"endTime":1007.01,"body":"can't change, and they just feel bad."},{"startTime":1007.835,"endTime":1010.564,"body":"And they're stuck in a"},{"startTime":1007.835,"endTime":1010.564,"body":"cycle, a never ending loop."},{"startTime":1011.555,"endTime":1017.225,"body":"But when you, the parent point out"},{"startTime":1011.555,"endTime":1017.225,"body":"what's emerging, when you show them"},{"startTime":1017.225,"endTime":1023.765,"body":"evidence of their own progress, their"},{"startTime":1017.225,"endTime":1023.765,"body":"nervous system regulates, the amygdala"},{"startTime":1023.765,"endTime":1029.915,"body":"stands down, the shame lifts, and"},{"startTime":1023.765,"endTime":1029.915,"body":"suddenly they can actually hear you."},{"startTime":1031.264,"endTime":1033.935,"body":"They can reflect and they can keep trying."},{"startTime":1035.165,"endTime":1038.405,"body":"Lemme give you some really"},{"startTime":1035.165,"endTime":1038.405,"body":"concrete examples of what this"},{"startTime":1038.405,"endTime":1040.685,"body":"looks like across different ages."},{"startTime":1041.645,"endTime":1043.745,"body":"Let's say your toddler"},{"startTime":1041.645,"endTime":1043.745,"body":"is learning to share."},{"startTime":1044.615,"endTime":1049.355,"body":"Six months ago, she would've screamed"},{"startTime":1044.615,"endTime":1049.355,"body":"and grabbed toys from other kids every"},{"startTime":1049.355,"endTime":1055.145,"body":"single time, and now, I mean, she still"},{"startTime":1049.355,"endTime":1055.145,"body":"struggles sometimes, but last week at"},{"startTime":1055.145,"endTime":1060.815,"body":"the park, you saw her proactively hand a"},{"startTime":1055.145,"endTime":1060.815,"body":"toy to another kid without being asked."},{"startTime":1061.745,"endTime":1067.235,"body":"So the gap voice in your head would say,"},{"startTime":1061.745,"endTime":1067.235,"body":"yeah, but Lisa, she still grabs toys."},{"startTime":1067.415,"endTime":1068.585,"body":"She's not there yet."},{"startTime":1069.185,"endTime":1072.425,"body":"Okay, I hear you, but here's"},{"startTime":1069.185,"endTime":1072.425,"body":"what the gain voice says."},{"startTime":1073.534,"endTime":1076.355,"body":"I noticed you shared that toy"},{"startTime":1073.534,"endTime":1076.355,"body":"with the little girl at the park"},{"startTime":1076.745,"endTime":1078.215,"body":"and you didn't even need my help."},{"startTime":1078.935,"endTime":1083.825,"body":"That tells me you're learning how to"},{"startTime":1078.935,"endTime":1083.825,"body":"share your toys, and that's wonderful."},{"startTime":1084.725,"endTime":1085.955,"body":"That's the gain voice."},{"startTime":1086.885,"endTime":1089.82,"body":"Let's say you have a first or second"},{"startTime":1086.885,"endTime":1089.82,"body":"grader who's working on reading."},{"startTime":1090.95,"endTime":1094.43,"body":"He's still below grade level"},{"startTime":1090.95,"endTime":1094.43,"body":"and he gets frustrated easily."},{"startTime":1095.33,"endTime":1099.35,"body":"But six months ago, he couldn't"},{"startTime":1095.33,"endTime":1099.35,"body":"even recognize half the letters, and"},{"startTime":1099.35,"endTime":1101.36,"body":"now he's sounding out simple words."},{"startTime":1102.29,"endTime":1105.38,"body":"So the gap would say,"},{"startTime":1102.29,"endTime":1105.38,"body":"oh my gosh, he's behind."},{"startTime":1105.83,"endTime":1107.96,"body":"He should be reading chapter books by now."},{"startTime":1108.32,"endTime":1111.59,"body":"My neighbor down the street"},{"startTime":1108.32,"endTime":1111.59,"body":"says her second grader is"},{"startTime":1111.59,"endTime":1112.88,"body":"consuming two books a week."},{"startTime":1114.35,"endTime":1115.97,"body":"Okay, I hear that."},{"startTime":1116.36,"endTime":1118.56,"body":"But here's what the gain"},{"startTime":1116.36,"endTime":1118.56,"body":"voice would say to your kid."},{"startTime":1120.05,"endTime":1120.5,"body":"Sweetheart."},{"startTime":1120.5,"endTime":1124.34,"body":"I remember at the beginning of the"},{"startTime":1120.5,"endTime":1124.34,"body":"year when you didn't even know what"},{"startTime":1124.34,"endTime":1127.43,"body":"the CH sound made, and now look at you."},{"startTime":1127.94,"endTime":1130.76,"body":"You just read that whole"},{"startTime":1127.94,"endTime":1130.76,"body":"sentence by yourself."},{"startTime":1131.6,"endTime":1135.68,"body":"Your brain is growing"},{"startTime":1131.6,"endTime":1135.68,"body":"so fast, it's amazing."},{"startTime":1136.94,"endTime":1139.31,"body":"That's the gain voice."},{"startTime":1140.42,"endTime":1144.41,"body":"Now, let's say you have a third"},{"startTime":1140.42,"endTime":1144.41,"body":"grader that's working on managing big"},{"startTime":1144.41,"endTime":1147.65,"body":"emotions and she still has meltdowns."},{"startTime":1148.774,"endTime":1150.064,"body":"In your mind quite a bit."},{"startTime":1150.844,"endTime":1155.195,"body":"But a year ago, those meltdowns"},{"startTime":1150.844,"endTime":1155.195,"body":"would last an hour each, and"},{"startTime":1155.195,"endTime":1156.784,"body":"now they're down to 15 minutes."},{"startTime":1157.564,"endTime":1161.615,"body":"And sometimes she's even starting to"},{"startTime":1157.564,"endTime":1161.615,"body":"catch herself before she explodes."},{"startTime":1162.635,"endTime":1166.774,"body":"So the gap would say something"},{"startTime":1162.635,"endTime":1166.774,"body":"like, well, she still melts down."},{"startTime":1166.804,"endTime":1167.975,"body":"Why isn't this working?"},{"startTime":1169.024,"endTime":1173.735,"body":"But the game voice says to her,"},{"startTime":1169.024,"endTime":1173.735,"body":"I noticed that when you got upset"},{"startTime":1174.034,"endTime":1177.219,"body":"about your homework, you walked"},{"startTime":1174.034,"endTime":1177.219,"body":"around and took some deep breaths."},{"startTime":1178.129,"endTime":1182.719,"body":"Do you realize that a year ago that"},{"startTime":1178.129,"endTime":1182.719,"body":"would've turned into a huge meltdown?"},{"startTime":1183.469,"endTime":1185.989,"body":"Look at how much progress"},{"startTime":1183.469,"endTime":1185.989,"body":"and growth you've made."},{"startTime":1186.949,"endTime":1191.0,"body":"I guarantee when we hear this from"},{"startTime":1186.949,"endTime":1191.0,"body":"our parents, it feels amazing."},{"startTime":1191.78,"endTime":1192.5,"body":"Amazing."},{"startTime":1193.28,"endTime":1196.04,"body":"Maybe you have a middle schooler"},{"startTime":1193.28,"endTime":1196.04,"body":"struggling with friendship, drama."},{"startTime":1196.85,"endTime":1202.129,"body":"She's anxious, she's unsure of herself,"},{"startTime":1196.85,"endTime":1202.129,"body":"but last year she would've shut down"},{"startTime":1202.129,"endTime":1207.53,"body":"completely and refused to talk about it,"},{"startTime":1202.129,"endTime":1207.53,"body":"and now she's actually coming to you."},{"startTime":1207.949,"endTime":1209.06,"body":"And asking for help."},{"startTime":1209.929,"endTime":1213.5,"body":"So the gap voice might say,"},{"startTime":1209.929,"endTime":1213.5,"body":"oh my gosh, she's so anxious."},{"startTime":1213.56,"endTime":1214.699,"body":"She should be more confident."},{"startTime":1214.699,"endTime":1217.429,"body":"By now, she should have solved"},{"startTime":1214.699,"endTime":1217.429,"body":"these friendship problems."},{"startTime":1218.6,"endTime":1220.699,"body":"That's the gap, the ugly gap voice."},{"startTime":1221.209,"endTime":1223.909,"body":"Here's what the gain voice"},{"startTime":1221.209,"endTime":1223.909,"body":"says to your daughter."},{"startTime":1224.929,"endTime":1225.32,"body":"Wow."},{"startTime":1225.32,"endTime":1229.61,"body":"I am really proud of you that"},{"startTime":1225.32,"endTime":1229.61,"body":"you can come and talk to me about"},{"startTime":1229.61,"endTime":1230.989,"body":"what's happening with your friends."},{"startTime":1231.889,"endTime":1235.1,"body":"Last year, you would've"},{"startTime":1231.889,"endTime":1235.1,"body":"held it all in to yourself."},{"startTime":1236.42,"endTime":1240.5,"body":"This shows me that you trust"},{"startTime":1236.42,"endTime":1240.5,"body":"yourself to handle hard things and"},{"startTime":1240.5,"endTime":1244.28,"body":"you trust me to help you, and I'm"},{"startTime":1240.5,"endTime":1244.28,"body":"so glad we're doing this together."},{"startTime":1245.15,"endTime":1245.84,"body":"I mean, come on."},{"startTime":1246.62,"endTime":1246.89,"body":"What?"},{"startTime":1246.89,"endTime":1249.8,"body":"Teenager with friendship"},{"startTime":1246.89,"endTime":1249.8,"body":"drama doesn't wanna hear that."},{"startTime":1250.88,"endTime":1251.36,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":1252.56,"endTime":1252.77,"body":"All right."},{"startTime":1252.77,"endTime":1254.03,"body":"Let's talk about the high schooler."},{"startTime":1255.08,"endTime":1257.36,"body":"Let's say your high schooler's"},{"startTime":1255.08,"endTime":1257.36,"body":"learning responsibility."},{"startTime":1257.87,"endTime":1262.52,"body":"He's learning, but he still forgets"},{"startTime":1257.87,"endTime":1262.52,"body":"things and he procrastinates."},{"startTime":1263.6,"endTime":1267.86,"body":"Now, last semester he was missing"},{"startTime":1263.6,"endTime":1267.86,"body":"25% of his assignments and you were"},{"startTime":1267.86,"endTime":1270.32,"body":"constantly getting emails from teachers."},{"startTime":1271.34,"endTime":1273.89,"body":"This semester, he's got"},{"startTime":1271.34,"endTime":1273.89,"body":"everything turned in."},{"startTime":1274.49,"endTime":1278.72,"body":"Now granted sometimes it's late and"},{"startTime":1274.49,"endTime":1278.72,"body":"sometimes it's last minute, but he's"},{"startTime":1278.72,"endTime":1285.44,"body":"doing it so that ugly gap voice says"},{"startTime":1278.72,"endTime":1285.44,"body":"to you, he's still barely passing,"},{"startTime":1285.59,"endTime":1286.94,"body":"and he should have straight A's."},{"startTime":1287.99,"endTime":1290.96,"body":"Now, here's what the gain"},{"startTime":1287.99,"endTime":1290.96,"body":"voice can say to this teenager."},{"startTime":1291.919,"endTime":1296.0,"body":"I know high school still feels hard,"},{"startTime":1291.919,"endTime":1296.0,"body":"but if we look back at the beginning"},{"startTime":1296.0,"endTime":1300.2,"body":"of the year, you were missing a"},{"startTime":1296.0,"endTime":1300.2,"body":"ton of assignments and now you're"},{"startTime":1300.2,"endTime":1301.49,"body":"getting every assignment done."},{"startTime":1302.57,"endTime":1304.669,"body":"Maybe not early, but"},{"startTime":1302.57,"endTime":1304.669,"body":"you're getting it done."},{"startTime":1305.21,"endTime":1306.23,"body":"And that's real growth."},{"startTime":1306.74,"endTime":1310.25,"body":"And it tells me that you're"},{"startTime":1306.74,"endTime":1310.25,"body":"figuring out how to manage yourself"},{"startTime":1310.455,"endTime":1312.86,"body":"and I could not be more proud."},{"startTime":1313.79,"endTime":1315.68,"body":"And together we'll keep growing."},{"startTime":1316.73,"endTime":1318.53,"body":"And my last example is."},{"startTime":1319.04,"endTime":1320.24,"body":"Preparing for college."},{"startTime":1320.48,"endTime":1325.7,"body":"Let's say you have a teenager that's"},{"startTime":1320.48,"endTime":1325.7,"body":"preparing for college and like many"},{"startTime":1325.7,"endTime":1330.95,"body":"teenagers today, he's stressed and"},{"startTime":1325.7,"endTime":1330.95,"body":"overwhelmed, but two years ago he"},{"startTime":1330.95,"endTime":1335.6,"body":"couldn't even have a conversation about"},{"startTime":1330.95,"endTime":1335.6,"body":"his future without getting dysregulated,"},{"startTime":1335.63,"endTime":1337.61,"body":"yelling at you, and then shutting down."},{"startTime":1338.48,"endTime":1343.19,"body":"Today you've got a teenager who's"},{"startTime":1338.48,"endTime":1343.19,"body":"making plans and asking questions and"},{"startTime":1343.19,"endTime":1345.71,"body":"starting to take ownership of his future."},{"startTime":1347.18,"endTime":1350.45,"body":"That ugly gap voice says, oh"},{"startTime":1347.18,"endTime":1350.45,"body":"my gosh, he's so stressed."},{"startTime":1350.45,"endTime":1351.5,"body":"I'm so stressed."},{"startTime":1351.53,"endTime":1353.66,"body":"He should have this"},{"startTime":1351.53,"endTime":1353.66,"body":"all figured out by now."},{"startTime":1353.87,"endTime":1355.19,"body":"We're totally behind."},{"startTime":1355.49,"endTime":1356.9,"body":"We're never gonna figure this out."},{"startTime":1357.68,"endTime":1361.85,"body":"And here's what the gain voice"},{"startTime":1357.68,"endTime":1361.85,"body":"might say to your teenager,"},{"startTime":1362.12,"endTime":1363.379,"body":"to your senior in high school."},{"startTime":1363.68,"endTime":1368.78,"body":"Hey, I remember when you were a sophomore"},{"startTime":1363.68,"endTime":1368.78,"body":"and we couldn't even talk about life"},{"startTime":1368.78,"endTime":1371.15,"body":"after high school without you losing it."},{"startTime":1371.51,"endTime":1372.26,"body":"And now look at you."},{"startTime":1373.024,"endTime":1377.165,"body":"You're researching programs, you're"},{"startTime":1373.024,"endTime":1377.165,"body":"asking for help, and you're figuring"},{"startTime":1377.165,"endTime":1379.745,"body":"it all out, and that takes courage."},{"startTime":1380.105,"endTime":1384.335,"body":"And I just want you to know that"},{"startTime":1380.105,"endTime":1384.335,"body":"I see it and I see you, and I"},{"startTime":1384.335,"endTime":1386.044,"body":"see the progress you've made."},{"startTime":1387.215,"endTime":1391.055,"body":"So let me ask you a real world peaceful"},{"startTime":1387.215,"endTime":1391.055,"body":"parent, do you feel the difference when"},{"startTime":1392.135,"endTime":1394.085,"body":"you reflect the gain back to your kids?"},{"startTime":1395.375,"endTime":1398.705,"body":"You're not ignoring the areas"},{"startTime":1395.375,"endTime":1398.705,"body":"where they still need to grow and"},{"startTime":1398.705,"endTime":1401.555,"body":"being, you know, positively toxic."},{"startTime":1402.485,"endTime":1404.435,"body":"You're not pretending"},{"startTime":1402.485,"endTime":1404.435,"body":"everything's perfect."},{"startTime":1405.155,"endTime":1407.465,"body":"What you're doing is you're"},{"startTime":1405.155,"endTime":1407.465,"body":"showing them evidence."},{"startTime":1407.945,"endTime":1409.655,"body":"The growth is already happening."},{"startTime":1410.765,"endTime":1413.165,"body":"You're helping them see"},{"startTime":1410.765,"endTime":1413.165,"body":"themselves as capable."},{"startTime":1414.275,"endTime":1419.255,"body":"You're building their resilience, their"},{"startTime":1414.275,"endTime":1419.255,"body":"confidence, and their belief that change"},{"startTime":1419.285,"endTime":1424.775,"body":"is actually possible, not because you told"},{"startTime":1419.285,"endTime":1424.775,"body":"them to believe it, but because you're"},{"startTime":1424.775,"endTime":1427.775,"body":"showing them the proof day in and day out."},{"startTime":1429.305,"endTime":1431.15,"body":"And just like with you as the parent."},{"startTime":1432.26,"endTime":1436.97,"body":"When you help your kid's nervous system"},{"startTime":1432.26,"endTime":1436.97,"body":"stay regulated by pointing out what's"},{"startTime":1436.97,"endTime":1442.1,"body":"working instead of what's broken, you're"},{"startTime":1436.97,"endTime":1442.1,"body":"bringing their higher brain online."},{"startTime":1443.57,"endTime":1448.129,"body":"You're creating the exact"},{"startTime":1443.57,"endTime":1448.129,"body":"conditions they need in order"},{"startTime":1448.399,"endTime":1450.02,"body":"to keep learning and growing."},{"startTime":1451.07,"endTime":1451.49,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1452.149,"endTime":1452.659,"body":"Awesome."},{"startTime":1453.47,"endTime":1457.58,"body":"Okay, so here's what I want you to do"},{"startTime":1453.47,"endTime":1457.58,"body":"this week, and I promise it's simple."},{"startTime":1457.61,"endTime":1458.27,"body":"This week."},{"startTime":1458.72,"endTime":1460.79,"body":"I want you to pay attention"},{"startTime":1458.72,"endTime":1460.79,"body":"to that voice in your head."},{"startTime":1461.315,"endTime":1464.675,"body":"The one that says, I should"},{"startTime":1461.315,"endTime":1464.675,"body":"be better at this by now."},{"startTime":1465.575,"endTime":1470.225,"body":"The one that compares you to the"},{"startTime":1465.575,"endTime":1470.225,"body":"ideal, to the target, to the goal."},{"startTime":1470.975,"endTime":1473.915,"body":"Next time you hear that voice,"},{"startTime":1470.975,"endTime":1473.915,"body":"I want you to pause just for a"},{"startTime":1473.915,"endTime":1476.375,"body":"second, and I want you to name it."},{"startTime":1476.555,"endTime":1478.085,"body":"I'm in the gap right now."},{"startTime":1478.595,"endTime":1479.105,"body":"That's it."},{"startTime":1479.525,"endTime":1480.485,"body":"You don't have to fix it."},{"startTime":1480.485,"endTime":1481.715,"body":"You don't have to argue with it."},{"startTime":1482.075,"endTime":1486.305,"body":"Just notice it and name it"},{"startTime":1482.075,"endTime":1486.305,"body":"because that awareness alone."},{"startTime":1487.775,"endTime":1491.405,"body":"Allows the gap to begin"},{"startTime":1487.775,"endTime":1491.405,"body":"to loosen its grip on you."},{"startTime":1492.395,"endTime":1496.205,"body":"Next, at the end of every day this week,"},{"startTime":1492.395,"endTime":1496.205,"body":"I want you to write down three wins."},{"startTime":1496.835,"endTime":1501.635,"body":"Not big wins, not perfect moments,"},{"startTime":1496.835,"endTime":1501.635,"body":"just three things where you"},{"startTime":1501.635,"endTime":1505.565,"body":"showed up, where you chose growth"},{"startTime":1501.635,"endTime":1505.565,"body":"and where you were in the game."},{"startTime":1506.735,"endTime":1509.885,"body":"It might look like, Hey,"},{"startTime":1506.735,"endTime":1509.885,"body":"I paused before I yelled."},{"startTime":1510.125,"endTime":1516.395,"body":"I still yelled, but I paused or I"},{"startTime":1510.125,"endTime":1516.395,"body":"apologized to my kid after I lost it, or."},{"startTime":1517.265,"endTime":1522.875,"body":"I felt myself at a fork in the road during"},{"startTime":1517.265,"endTime":1522.875,"body":"bedtime, and I chose to stay calm even"},{"startTime":1522.875,"endTime":1525.275,"body":"though I wanted to go ham on my kit."},{"startTime":1525.995,"endTime":1530.195,"body":"Sullivan and Hardy actually recommend"},{"startTime":1525.995,"endTime":1530.195,"body":"this as a daily practice, and I'm telling"},{"startTime":1530.195,"endTime":1536.165,"body":"you over time this changes everything"},{"startTime":1530.195,"endTime":1536.165,"body":"because you start to see the evidence,"},{"startTime":1536.405,"endTime":1541.055,"body":"you start to feel the progress, and"},{"startTime":1536.405,"endTime":1541.055,"body":"then suddenly you're not measuring"},{"startTime":1541.055,"endTime":1543.455,"body":"yourself against impossible anymore."},{"startTime":1544.145,"endTime":1545.915,"body":"You're measuring yourself against real."},{"startTime":1547.1,"endTime":1548.69,"body":"It's a game changer, I tell you."},{"startTime":1549.62,"endTime":1552.47,"body":"Now, let's bring our kids into"},{"startTime":1549.62,"endTime":1552.47,"body":"the homework assignment this week."},{"startTime":1553.1,"endTime":1557.15,"body":"This week, pick one moment where"},{"startTime":1553.1,"endTime":1557.15,"body":"you notice your kid is making"},{"startTime":1557.15,"endTime":1562.67,"body":"progress, even if it's the itsy"},{"startTime":1557.15,"endTime":1562.67,"body":"bitty teeniest, bit of progress in"},{"startTime":1562.67,"endTime":1563.96,"body":"an area where they're struggling."},{"startTime":1564.8,"endTime":1566.93,"body":"And then I want you to"},{"startTime":1564.8,"endTime":1566.93,"body":"tell 'em what you see."},{"startTime":1567.62,"endTime":1572.99,"body":"It might sound like I noticed you cleaned"},{"startTime":1567.62,"endTime":1572.99,"body":"up your joys the first time I asked you."},{"startTime":1574.34,"endTime":1579.38,"body":"That tells me you're learning to be"},{"startTime":1574.34,"endTime":1579.38,"body":"responsible, or, I noticed you didn't"},{"startTime":1579.38,"endTime":1580.91,"body":"hit your brother when you got angry."},{"startTime":1581.54,"endTime":1583.25,"body":"You used your words instead."},{"startTime":1583.67,"endTime":1584.54,"body":"That's real growth."},{"startTime":1586.25,"endTime":1590.84,"body":"Or, I know math feels really hard right"},{"startTime":1586.25,"endTime":1590.84,"body":"now, but can you remember last month"},{"startTime":1591.14,"endTime":1595.4,"body":"when you didn't understand fractions at"},{"startTime":1591.14,"endTime":1595.4,"body":"all and now look at what you're doing."},{"startTime":1596.15,"endTime":1598.46,"body":"Your brain is growing"},{"startTime":1596.15,"endTime":1598.46,"body":"and figuring things out."},{"startTime":1599.63,"endTime":1601.545,"body":"You're not ignoring the"},{"startTime":1599.63,"endTime":1601.545,"body":"areas where they need help."},{"startTime":1602.375,"endTime":1607.505,"body":"You are showing them evidence that the"},{"startTime":1602.375,"endTime":1607.505,"body":"help and the progress is there, and that"},{"startTime":1607.505,"endTime":1609.755,"body":"evidence, that's what keeps them going."},{"startTime":1610.955,"endTime":1614.285,"body":"Now, if you want a little extra"},{"startTime":1610.955,"endTime":1614.285,"body":"credit this week in the homework"},{"startTime":1614.285,"endTime":1619.145,"body":"assignment, and if you wanna take"},{"startTime":1614.285,"endTime":1619.145,"body":"this work even deeper, and I think"},{"startTime":1619.145,"endTime":1623.675,"body":"this could be truly transformational"},{"startTime":1619.145,"endTime":1623.675,"body":"for your whole family, I want you"},{"startTime":1623.675,"endTime":1625.505,"body":"to introduce the gain to your kids."},{"startTime":1626.375,"endTime":1629.735,"body":"And I don't mean lecture them"},{"startTime":1626.375,"endTime":1629.735,"body":"about it, I mean make it a"},{"startTime":1629.735,"endTime":1630.88,"body":"practice at your dinner table."},{"startTime":1631.97,"endTime":1635.87,"body":"Every night, everybody at the table"},{"startTime":1631.97,"endTime":1635.87,"body":"shares three wins for the day."},{"startTime":1636.71,"endTime":1638.33,"body":"And these don't have to be big wins."},{"startTime":1638.36,"endTime":1641.66,"body":"These can be itty bitty,"},{"startTime":1638.36,"endTime":1641.66,"body":"teeny tiny, right?"},{"startTime":1641.66,"endTime":1645.8,"body":"It could be something like, I"},{"startTime":1641.66,"endTime":1645.8,"body":"remembered to put my backpack at the"},{"startTime":1645.8,"endTime":1650.93,"body":"door, or I stayed calm once today"},{"startTime":1645.8,"endTime":1650.93,"body":"when my brother was annoying me."},{"startTime":1651.77,"endTime":1655.25,"body":"Or I ask for help in math"},{"startTime":1651.77,"endTime":1655.25,"body":"instead of giving up."},{"startTime":1656.12,"endTime":1658.585,"body":"And what you're doing here is"},{"startTime":1656.12,"endTime":1658.585,"body":"you're teaching your whole family."},{"startTime":1659.27,"endTime":1664.22,"body":"To measure backwards instead of, and"},{"startTime":1659.27,"endTime":1664.22,"body":"you're showing them in real time, the"},{"startTime":1664.22,"endTime":1668.15,"body":"growth is happening, that progress"},{"startTime":1664.22,"endTime":1668.15,"body":"is real, and that we don't have to"},{"startTime":1668.15,"endTime":1670.43,"body":"be perfect to be proud of ourselves."},{"startTime":1671.69,"endTime":1671.87,"body":"Me?"},{"startTime":1671.87,"endTime":1672.59,"body":"Say that again."},{"startTime":1672.65,"endTime":1675.29,"body":"We don't have to be perfect"},{"startTime":1672.65,"endTime":1675.29,"body":"to be proud of ourselves."},{"startTime":1676.43,"endTime":1679.79,"body":"And here's what I've seen happen"},{"startTime":1676.43,"endTime":1679.79,"body":"with families who do this."},{"startTime":1680.12,"endTime":1684.53,"body":"It changes the whole atmosphere"},{"startTime":1680.12,"endTime":1684.53,"body":"and culture, not only at the"},{"startTime":1684.53,"endTime":1685.835,"body":"dinner table, but in the family."},{"startTime":1687.02,"endTime":1691.19,"body":"Instead of rehashing what went wrong,"},{"startTime":1687.02,"endTime":1691.19,"body":"instead of focusing on who got in"},{"startTime":1691.19,"endTime":1695.3,"body":"trouble or what didn't get done,"},{"startTime":1691.19,"endTime":1695.3,"body":"you're celebrating what did happen."},{"startTime":1696.47,"endTime":1701.57,"body":"You're noticing the gain together,"},{"startTime":1696.47,"endTime":1701.57,"body":"and then your kids start looking"},{"startTime":1701.75,"endTime":1705.44,"body":"for their wins during the day and"},{"startTime":1701.75,"endTime":1705.44,"body":"they start catching themselves"},{"startTime":1705.44,"endTime":1710.48,"body":"growing, and suddenly you're not"},{"startTime":1705.44,"endTime":1710.48,"body":"the only one measuring backwards."},{"startTime":1710.78,"endTime":1713.21,"body":"Your whole family is living"},{"startTime":1710.78,"endTime":1713.21,"body":"in the gain together."},{"startTime":1714.74,"endTime":1719.629,"body":"That is powerful and it is extra"},{"startTime":1714.74,"endTime":1719.629,"body":"credit because I know not every"},{"startTime":1719.629,"endTime":1725.48,"body":"family can pull this off right"},{"startTime":1719.629,"endTime":1725.48,"body":"away, but if you can try it even for"},{"startTime":1725.48,"endTime":1727.61,"body":"just a week and watch what happens."},{"startTime":1728.629,"endTime":1732.23,"body":"Alright, let's bring it all"},{"startTime":1728.629,"endTime":1732.23,"body":"together today before we wrap up."},{"startTime":1732.83,"endTime":1735.439,"body":"First, the gap is where most parents live."},{"startTime":1736.189,"endTime":1741.26,"body":"We measure ourselves against an impossible"},{"startTime":1736.189,"endTime":1741.26,"body":"idea, goal, or target that keeps moving."},{"startTime":1741.635,"endTime":1743.375,"body":"And we always feel like we're failing."},{"startTime":1743.915,"endTime":1745.415,"body":"We're never quite there."},{"startTime":1745.955,"endTime":1749.135,"body":"And when we're stuck in the gap,"},{"startTime":1745.955,"endTime":1749.135,"body":"our nervous system interprets this"},{"startTime":1749.135,"endTime":1753.635,"body":"as a threat, which shuts down the"},{"startTime":1749.135,"endTime":1753.635,"body":"exact part of our brain that we"},{"startTime":1753.635,"endTime":1755.465,"body":"actually need to help us grow."},{"startTime":1756.605,"endTime":1759.515,"body":"Second, the gain changes everything."},{"startTime":1759.785,"endTime":1764.585,"body":"It's a total game changer when you measure"},{"startTime":1759.785,"endTime":1764.585,"body":"yourself backwards instead of forward."},{"startTime":1765.065,"endTime":1769.115,"body":"When you look at where you started"},{"startTime":1765.065,"endTime":1769.115,"body":"instead of where you think you should be."},{"startTime":1769.715,"endTime":1772.024,"body":"Suddenly you can see"},{"startTime":1769.715,"endTime":1772.024,"body":"evidence for real growth."},{"startTime":1772.595,"endTime":1776.585,"body":"And that evidence, it calms your"},{"startTime":1772.595,"endTime":1776.585,"body":"nervous system, brings your higher"},{"startTime":1776.585,"endTime":1780.365,"body":"brain out back online, and gives"},{"startTime":1776.585,"endTime":1780.365,"body":"you the motivation to keep going."},{"startTime":1781.324,"endTime":1785.885,"body":"And third, when you reflect the gain back"},{"startTime":1781.324,"endTime":1785.885,"body":"to your kids, you're not just making them"},{"startTime":1785.885,"endTime":1790.595,"body":"feel good, you're helping their nervous"},{"startTime":1785.885,"endTime":1790.595,"body":"system stay regulated, you're building"},{"startTime":1790.595,"endTime":1795.304,"body":"their confidence and you're teaching them"},{"startTime":1790.595,"endTime":1795.304,"body":"that growth is messy and it takes time."},{"startTime":1795.74,"endTime":1800.39,"body":"That they can trust the process because"},{"startTime":1795.74,"endTime":1800.39,"body":"there's real evidence that it's working."},{"startTime":1801.62,"endTime":1806.21,"body":"Now, I know this journey isn't easy, and"},{"startTime":1801.62,"endTime":1806.21,"body":"I know some days it feels like we're never"},{"startTime":1806.21,"endTime":1811.07,"body":"gonna get there, wherever there is, but"},{"startTime":1806.21,"endTime":1811.07,"body":"I want you to hear me when I say this."},{"startTime":1812.0,"endTime":1815.69,"body":"The fact that you care enough to keep"},{"startTime":1812.0,"endTime":1815.69,"body":"trying, the fact that you're listening"},{"startTime":1815.69,"endTime":1820.13,"body":"to this right now and the fact that you"},{"startTime":1815.69,"endTime":1820.13,"body":"are still showing up for your kids even"},{"startTime":1820.13,"endTime":1822.8,"body":"on the hardest days, that is the gain."},{"startTime":1824.0,"endTime":1825.86,"body":"You are not the same"},{"startTime":1824.0,"endTime":1825.86,"body":"parent you were a year ago."},{"startTime":1826.49,"endTime":1828.47,"body":"You are not even the same"},{"startTime":1826.49,"endTime":1828.47,"body":"parent you were last month."},{"startTime":1829.01,"endTime":1832.64,"body":"And your kids, they're growing"},{"startTime":1829.01,"endTime":1832.64,"body":"too, even when it's messy,"},{"startTime":1833.24,"endTime":1834.68,"body":"especially when it's messy."},{"startTime":1835.67,"endTime":1841.22,"body":"So I want you to stop measuring the"},{"startTime":1835.67,"endTime":1841.22,"body":"distance to perfect and start measuring"},{"startTime":1841.22,"endTime":1842.415,"body":"the distance from where you began."},{"startTime":1843.575,"endTime":1844.835,"body":"It's closer than you think."},{"startTime":1845.945,"endTime":1846.665,"body":"I promise."},{"startTime":1847.445,"endTime":1851.945,"body":"Okay, until next time, I'm"},{"startTime":1847.445,"endTime":1851.945,"body":"wishing you Peaceful parenting."},{"startTime":1854.705,"endTime":1856.805,"body":"Thanks for listening to Real"},{"startTime":1854.705,"endTime":1856.805,"body":"World Peaceful Parenting."},{"startTime":1857.285,"endTime":1860.045,"body":"If you want more info on how you"},{"startTime":1857.285,"endTime":1860.045,"body":"can transform your parenting,"},{"startTime":1860.345,"endTime":1862.145,"body":"visit the peaceful parent.com."},{"startTime":1862.205,"endTime":1862.835,"body":"See you soon."}]}