{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Welcome to Real World Peaceful"},{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Parenting, a podcast for parents"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"that are tired of yelling,"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"threatening, and punishing their kids."},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.73,"body":"Join mom and master certified parent"},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.73,"body":"coach Lisa Smith as she gives you"},{"startTime":11.73,"endTime":15.15,"body":"actionable step-by-step strategies"},{"startTime":11.73,"endTime":15.15,"body":"that'll help you transform your"},{"startTime":15.15,"endTime":17.4,"body":"household from chaos to cooperation."},{"startTime":17.82,"endTime":18.33,"body":"Let's dive in."},{"startTime":22.44,"endTime":26.76,"body":"Welcome, welcome, welcome,"},{"startTime":22.44,"endTime":26.76,"body":"welcome to today's episode."},{"startTime":27.51,"endTime":29.1,"body":"I am so pleased."},{"startTime":29.61,"endTime":30.75,"body":"To be with you here today."},{"startTime":31.38,"endTime":34.59,"body":"Last week you and I talked"},{"startTime":31.38,"endTime":34.59,"body":"about the gap and the gain."},{"startTime":35.46,"endTime":40.29,"body":"We talked about how most parents"},{"startTime":35.46,"endTime":40.29,"body":"are measuring themselves against"},{"startTime":40.29,"endTime":46.11,"body":"an impossible, ideal target or goal"},{"startTime":40.29,"endTime":46.11,"body":"and how that keeps you stuck and"},{"startTime":46.11,"endTime":47.94,"body":"always feeling like you're failing."},{"startTime":48.81,"endTime":53.43,"body":"And I got messages from so many of"},{"startTime":48.81,"endTime":53.43,"body":"you saying, Lisa, I feel that I'm"},{"startTime":53.43,"endTime":55.11,"body":"living in the gap and I see it now."},{"startTime":56.22,"endTime":56.28,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":57.72,"endTime":64.08,"body":"So today I wanna take us the layer deeper"},{"startTime":57.72,"endTime":64.08,"body":"because there's an emotion that lives"},{"startTime":64.08,"endTime":66.99,"body":"in the gap and I wanna call it out."},{"startTime":67.65,"endTime":69.72,"body":"It's an emotion that"},{"startTime":67.65,"endTime":69.72,"body":"keeps you stuck there."},{"startTime":70.02,"endTime":73.98,"body":"It's an emotion that's probably"},{"startTime":70.02,"endTime":73.98,"body":"running more of your parenting than"},{"startTime":73.98,"endTime":78.0,"body":"you realize, and that emotion is shame."},{"startTime":78.96,"endTime":83.37,"body":"Now, I know that's a heavy"},{"startTime":78.96,"endTime":83.37,"body":"word and some of you might be"},{"startTime":83.37,"endTime":84.57,"body":"thinking, I don't have shame."},{"startTime":84.57,"endTime":85.045,"body":"That's not me."},{"startTime":85.845,"endTime":90.914,"body":"Stay with me because shame doesn't"},{"startTime":85.845,"endTime":90.914,"body":"always show up the way we think it does."},{"startTime":91.755,"endTime":94.875,"body":"Okay, so here's my question."},{"startTime":95.085,"endTime":96.435,"body":"Have you ever snapped at your kid?"},{"startTime":97.215,"endTime":101.715,"body":"Maybe you yelled, maybe you said"},{"startTime":97.215,"endTime":101.715,"body":"something harsh, and then that voice"},{"startTime":101.715,"endTime":104.145,"body":"in your head kicks in afterwards."},{"startTime":104.745,"endTime":108.675,"body":"You know the one that says,"},{"startTime":104.745,"endTime":108.675,"body":"what kind of parents am I?"},{"startTime":109.245,"endTime":110.625,"body":"I'm ruining my kids."},{"startTime":111.164,"endTime":112.664,"body":"Other parents don't do this."},{"startTime":113.054,"endTime":114.104,"body":"What's wrong with me?"},{"startTime":114.96,"endTime":123.18,"body":"Well, if some or all of that dialogue has"},{"startTime":114.96,"endTime":123.18,"body":"gone through your head at one time in your"},{"startTime":123.18,"endTime":129.81,"body":"parenting career that my friend is shame,"},{"startTime":123.18,"endTime":129.81,"body":"or maybe your kid has a meltdown in public"},{"startTime":130.44,"endTime":132.18,"body":"and you feel your face get really hot."},{"startTime":133.05,"endTime":136.68,"body":"It feels like everyone's"},{"startTime":133.05,"endTime":136.68,"body":"watching you and you feel this"},{"startTime":136.705,"endTime":139.23,"body":"crushing sense of, I'm failing."},{"startTime":139.83,"endTime":141.9,"body":"Everyone can see that I'm failing."},{"startTime":142.83,"endTime":142.98,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":142.98,"endTime":143.97,"body":"That's shame too."},{"startTime":144.99,"endTime":149.85,"body":"And today we're going to talk"},{"startTime":144.99,"endTime":149.85,"body":"about what shame is, why it shows"},{"startTime":149.85,"endTime":153.9,"body":"up in our parenting, and most"},{"startTime":149.85,"endTime":153.9,"body":"importantly, how to interrupt it"},{"startTime":154.29,"endTime":156.48,"body":"before it gets passed on to our kids."},{"startTime":157.59,"endTime":160.65,"body":"Because here's the thing,"},{"startTime":157.59,"endTime":160.65,"body":"shame doesn't just hurt you."},{"startTime":161.34,"endTime":167.1,"body":"When we feel a lot of shame, it"},{"startTime":161.34,"endTime":167.1,"body":"teaches our kids to feel shame about"},{"startTime":167.1,"endTime":170.16,"body":"themselves, not about you, but themselves."},{"startTime":171.15,"endTime":173.07,"body":"And once you see that how this happens."},{"startTime":174.06,"endTime":175.17,"body":"You can't unsee it."},{"startTime":176.04,"endTime":176.94,"body":"So let's dive in."},{"startTime":177.93,"endTime":182.88,"body":"So first things first, we need to talk"},{"startTime":177.93,"endTime":182.88,"body":"about what shame actually is because"},{"startTime":183.42,"endTime":187.83,"body":"many people confuse shame with guilt,"},{"startTime":183.42,"endTime":187.83,"body":"and they're not the same thing at all."},{"startTime":188.88,"endTime":191.19,"body":"Guilt says, I did something bad."},{"startTime":192.27,"endTime":193.95,"body":"Shame says I am bad."},{"startTime":194.7,"endTime":196.38,"body":"Guilt is about your behavior."},{"startTime":196.86,"endTime":198.39,"body":"Shame is about your identity."},{"startTime":199.215,"endTime":201.405,"body":"Okay, so let me give you an example."},{"startTime":201.405,"endTime":205.575,"body":"Let's say you yell at your kid,"},{"startTime":201.405,"endTime":205.575,"body":"you lose your temper, and you say"},{"startTime":205.575,"endTime":207.015,"body":"something you wish you could take back."},{"startTime":207.615,"endTime":208.065,"body":"Guilt."},{"startTime":208.125,"endTime":214.215,"body":"Sounds like I yelled and that wasn't"},{"startTime":208.125,"endTime":214.215,"body":"okay, and I take responsibility"},{"startTime":214.695,"endTime":219.435,"body":"for my behavior and I need to"},{"startTime":214.695,"endTime":219.435,"body":"repair and do better next time."},{"startTime":220.035,"endTime":220.785,"body":"Okay, that's guilt."},{"startTime":221.265,"endTime":222.585,"body":"Now here's what shame sounds like."},{"startTime":223.065,"endTime":224.505,"body":"I am a terrible parent."},{"startTime":225.045,"endTime":226.455,"body":"I am damaging my kids."},{"startTime":227.415,"endTime":229.725,"body":"Kid and there is something wrong with me."},{"startTime":231.015,"endTime":232.125,"body":"Do you hear the difference?"},{"startTime":233.025,"endTime":234.704,"body":"Guilt motivates you to change."},{"startTime":234.915,"endTime":236.355,"body":"It says you made a mistake."},{"startTime":236.595,"endTime":238.935,"body":"You can learn from this"},{"startTime":236.595,"endTime":238.935,"body":"and you can do better."},{"startTime":239.865,"endTime":242.355,"body":"Shame on the other hand, paralyzes you."},{"startTime":243.105,"endTime":245.055,"body":"Shame says you are the mistake."},{"startTime":245.745,"endTime":247.965,"body":"You're broken and you can't be fixed."},{"startTime":249.045,"endTime":251.084,"body":"And here's why shame is so powerful."},{"startTime":252.195,"endTime":254.445,"body":"Shame thrives in secrecy."},{"startTime":255.285,"endTime":256.665,"body":"It thrives in the dark."},{"startTime":257.475,"endTime":260.925,"body":"As long as you keep shame"},{"startTime":257.475,"endTime":260.925,"body":"hidden, as long as you don't"},{"startTime":260.925,"endTime":262.605,"body":"name it and don't acknowledge it."},{"startTime":263.625,"endTime":265.844,"body":"Shame has complete control over you."},{"startTime":266.655,"endTime":272.235,"body":"But research shows us, including the work"},{"startTime":266.655,"endTime":272.235,"body":"from Brene Brown, that the moment you"},{"startTime":272.235,"endTime":277.695,"body":"bring shame into light, the moment you"},{"startTime":272.235,"endTime":277.695,"body":"say out loud, oh, that's shame talking."},{"startTime":278.295,"endTime":279.555,"body":"It begins to lose its power."},{"startTime":281.415,"endTime":283.185,"body":"Shame can't survive scrutiny."},{"startTime":283.455,"endTime":286.875,"body":"It can only survive in"},{"startTime":283.455,"endTime":286.875,"body":"the dark while hiding."},{"startTime":287.625,"endTime":290.865,"body":"And here's where this connects"},{"startTime":287.625,"endTime":290.865,"body":"back to last week's episode."},{"startTime":290.895,"endTime":295.094,"body":"On the gap in the game, when you're"},{"startTime":290.895,"endTime":295.094,"body":"stuck in the gap, when you're measuring"},{"startTime":295.094,"endTime":300.435,"body":"yourself against that impossible, ideal"},{"startTime":295.094,"endTime":300.435,"body":"parent who never yells, who always"},{"startTime":300.435,"endTime":305.775,"body":"has the right words, who handles every"},{"startTime":300.435,"endTime":305.775,"body":"situation with perfect calm, shame"},{"startTime":305.775,"endTime":307.185,"body":"is the feeling that keeps you there."},{"startTime":308.13,"endTime":312.63,"body":"Because every time you fall short"},{"startTime":308.13,"endTime":312.63,"body":"of that ideal of that target,"},{"startTime":312.96,"endTime":315.12,"body":"of that goal, shame whispers."},{"startTime":315.42,"endTime":318.96,"body":"See, you're not good enough"},{"startTime":315.42,"endTime":318.96,"body":"and you never will be."},{"startTime":320.19,"endTime":323.43,"body":"Now, here's what's really happening"},{"startTime":320.19,"endTime":323.43,"body":"in your brain when shame shows"},{"startTime":323.43,"endTime":325.17,"body":"up, and this is really important."},{"startTime":325.56,"endTime":330.09,"body":"When you feel shame, your nervous"},{"startTime":325.56,"endTime":330.09,"body":"system interprets it as a threat."},{"startTime":330.705,"endTime":334.965,"body":"As though it is the equivalent of"},{"startTime":330.705,"endTime":334.965,"body":"someone holding a gun to your head or a"},{"startTime":334.965,"endTime":340.875,"body":"lion chasing you through the Serengeti"},{"startTime":334.965,"endTime":340.875,"body":"and your emotional brain, your middle"},{"startTime":340.875,"endTime":345.945,"body":"brain, the part that processes threat"},{"startTime":340.875,"endTime":345.945,"body":"and protection kicks into high gear."},{"startTime":346.635,"endTime":351.43,"body":"And when that happens, your higher brain,"},{"startTime":346.635,"endTime":351.43,"body":"your prefrontal cortex, where you're calm"},{"startTime":351.615,"endTime":357.945,"body":"and logical and can connect dots and stay"},{"startTime":351.615,"endTime":357.945,"body":"regulated, that higher brain goes offline."},{"startTime":358.725,"endTime":362.745,"body":"Your middle brain and your higher brain"},{"startTime":358.725,"endTime":362.745,"body":"cannot be working at the same time."},{"startTime":362.805,"endTime":363.825,"body":"It's an either or."},{"startTime":364.515,"endTime":365.325,"body":"Sound familiar?"},{"startTime":365.985,"endTime":369.105,"body":"That's the exact same thing that"},{"startTime":365.985,"endTime":369.105,"body":"happens when you're stuck in the"},{"startTime":369.105,"endTime":370.965,"body":"gap that we talked about last week."},{"startTime":371.745,"endTime":378.405,"body":"Shame shuts down the part of your brain"},{"startTime":371.745,"endTime":378.405,"body":"that can actually reflect, learn, and make"},{"startTime":378.405,"endTime":383.775,"body":"good choices, so you're not just feeling"},{"startTime":378.405,"endTime":383.775,"body":"bad when you're in your middle brain."},{"startTime":383.835,"endTime":384.855,"body":"You're literally stuck."},{"startTime":386.13,"endTime":390.33,"body":"Shame prevents your brain from"},{"startTime":386.13,"endTime":390.33,"body":"accessing the tools it needs to change."},{"startTime":391.14,"endTime":396.45,"body":"And that my real world, peaceful"},{"startTime":391.14,"endTime":396.45,"body":"parent is why shame is so dangerous."},{"startTime":397.32,"endTime":399.42,"body":"It doesn't just make you feel terrible."},{"startTime":399.54,"endTime":401.31,"body":"It actually prevents you from growing."},{"startTime":402.21,"endTime":404.7,"body":"So lemme tell you about a moment I have"},{"startTime":402.21,"endTime":404.7,"body":"with Malcolm that really showed me this."},{"startTime":406.015,"endTime":409.86,"body":"He was about eight and we were having"},{"startTime":406.015,"endTime":409.86,"body":"one of those mornings, you know, the"},{"startTime":409.86,"endTime":411.93,"body":"kind where everything is going wrong."},{"startTime":413.04,"endTime":414.03,"body":"We got up late."},{"startTime":414.419,"endTime":416.82,"body":"He's dragging his feet,"},{"startTime":414.419,"endTime":416.82,"body":"getting ready for school."},{"startTime":417.179,"endTime":418.169,"body":"I'm running late."},{"startTime":418.919,"endTime":420.39,"body":"He didn't like breakfast."},{"startTime":420.57,"endTime":421.83,"body":"My coffee's cold."},{"startTime":422.25,"endTime":424.56,"body":"So on this particular moment, I lose it."},{"startTime":425.489,"endTime":426.06,"body":"I yell."},{"startTime":426.419,"endTime":427.77,"body":"I said things I didn't mean."},{"startTime":428.969,"endTime":431.219,"body":"And the look on his face, it broke me."},{"startTime":432.33,"endTime":435.03,"body":"And in that moment,"},{"startTime":432.33,"endTime":435.03,"body":"shame hit me like a wave."},{"startTime":436.049,"endTime":439.739,"body":"My shame said to me, my God,"},{"startTime":436.049,"endTime":439.739,"body":"Lisa, you're a parent coach."},{"startTime":440.159,"endTime":442.02,"body":"You teach us stuff and look at you."},{"startTime":442.349,"endTime":443.7,"body":"You're yelling at your kid."},{"startTime":444.81,"endTime":447.03,"body":"You're a fraud and you're failing him."},{"startTime":448.44,"endTime":450.57,"body":"That was the conversation."},{"startTime":451.56,"endTime":452.73,"body":"That was the voice."},{"startTime":452.849,"endTime":458.64,"body":"Shame was screaming at the top of"},{"startTime":452.849,"endTime":458.64,"body":"his lungs in my head, and here's"},{"startTime":458.64,"endTime":460.26,"body":"what shame did to me in that moment."},{"startTime":460.92,"endTime":462.03,"body":"It made me shut down."},{"startTime":463.02,"endTime":467.52,"body":"I couldn't repair, I couldn't even"},{"startTime":463.02,"endTime":467.52,"body":"look at Malcolm because if I looked"},{"startTime":467.525,"endTime":471.185,"body":"at him, I'd have to face what I'd"},{"startTime":467.525,"endTime":471.185,"body":"done, and my shame was too big."},{"startTime":472.65,"endTime":477.78,"body":"It wasn't until later after I'd regulated"},{"startTime":472.65,"endTime":477.78,"body":"and after the shame had loosens it, its"},{"startTime":477.78,"endTime":484.74,"body":"grip that I could go back and say, Hey,"},{"startTime":477.78,"endTime":484.74,"body":"Malcolm, I'm sorry that was not okay."},{"startTime":486.03,"endTime":492.93,"body":"It was not okay, and I own my behavior"},{"startTime":486.03,"endTime":492.93,"body":"and I will do better next time."},{"startTime":494.159,"endTime":498.48,"body":"And honest to goodness, I realized in"},{"startTime":494.159,"endTime":498.48,"body":"that moment how I never wanted shame"},{"startTime":498.48,"endTime":501.27,"body":"to have a grip on me again, ever."},{"startTime":502.109,"endTime":506.7,"body":"I felt guilty plenty of times, but"},{"startTime":502.109,"endTime":506.7,"body":"I've not felt shame since because I"},{"startTime":506.7,"endTime":509.94,"body":"refuse to let it have a grip on me."},{"startTime":510.96,"endTime":515.669,"body":"The difference between shame and guilt is"},{"startTime":510.96,"endTime":515.669,"body":"guilt would've let me repair right away."},{"startTime":516.539,"endTime":518.039,"body":"Shame kept me stuck."},{"startTime":518.939,"endTime":522.39,"body":"So now that you know what shame"},{"startTime":518.939,"endTime":522.39,"body":"is, let's talk about how it shows"},{"startTime":522.39,"endTime":526.079,"body":"up in our day-to-day parenting,"},{"startTime":522.39,"endTime":526.079,"body":"because shame is sneaky and it"},{"startTime":526.079,"endTime":527.49,"body":"doesn't always announce itself."},{"startTime":528.09,"endTime":529.74,"body":"Here's how the shame spiral works."},{"startTime":530.355,"endTime":535.635,"body":"You yell at your kid or you snap"},{"startTime":530.355,"endTime":535.635,"body":"at them, or you handle a situation"},{"startTime":535.635,"endTime":539.835,"body":"in a way that doesn't feel good,"},{"startTime":535.635,"endTime":539.835,"body":"and immediately the voice kicks in."},{"startTime":540.585,"endTime":541.905,"body":"I should know better by now."},{"startTime":542.265,"endTime":543.465,"body":"I've been working on this."},{"startTime":543.825,"endTime":545.235,"body":"Why am I still doing this?"},{"startTime":546.015,"endTime":546.885,"body":"Sound familiar?"},{"startTime":547.635,"endTime":550.935,"body":"That's the gap and"},{"startTime":547.635,"endTime":550.935,"body":"underneath the gap is shame."},{"startTime":551.775,"endTime":552.945,"body":"Other parents don't struggle."},{"startTime":552.945,"endTime":553.995,"body":"What is wrong with me?"},{"startTime":554.565,"endTime":556.275,"body":"Susie's getting it right all the time."},{"startTime":556.485,"endTime":558.975,"body":"My husband comes home from"},{"startTime":556.485,"endTime":558.975,"body":"work and he's completely calm."},{"startTime":559.275,"endTime":559.665,"body":"Shame."},{"startTime":561.105,"endTime":562.245,"body":"I'm failing my kid."},{"startTime":562.305,"endTime":563.415,"body":"I'm damaging them."},{"startTime":564.105,"endTime":566.535,"body":"They're not gonna be okay,"},{"startTime":564.105,"endTime":566.535,"body":"and it's all my fault."},{"startTime":566.955,"endTime":567.465,"body":"Shame."},{"startTime":568.905,"endTime":569.865,"body":"And here's what happens."},{"startTime":569.865,"endTime":575.775,"body":"When shame kicks in, you can't regulate"},{"startTime":569.865,"endTime":575.775,"body":"because your emotional brain has taken"},{"startTime":575.775,"endTime":578.175,"body":"over and your higher brain is offline."},{"startTime":578.925,"endTime":579.705,"body":"So what do you do?"},{"startTime":579.735,"endTime":584.895,"body":"You yell again, or you shut down,"},{"startTime":579.735,"endTime":584.895,"body":"or you get defensive, or you swing"},{"startTime":584.895,"endTime":588.285,"body":"to the permissive side and just"},{"startTime":584.895,"endTime":588.285,"body":"give in because of the shame."},{"startTime":589.53,"endTime":591.15,"body":"Then the shame gets bigger."},{"startTime":591.45,"endTime":592.86,"body":"See, I did it again."},{"startTime":593.13,"endTime":593.49,"body":"Proof."},{"startTime":593.52,"endTime":594.78,"body":"I really am a bad parent."},{"startTime":595.74,"endTime":596.76,"body":"That's the spiral."},{"startTime":597.36,"endTime":599.43,"body":"Shame dysregulation."},{"startTime":599.67,"endTime":602.04,"body":"More shame, more dysregulation."},{"startTime":602.25,"endTime":604.05,"body":"And round and round and round we go."},{"startTime":604.95,"endTime":605.34,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":606.54,"endTime":608.04,"body":"Lemme tell you about a mom in the hive."},{"startTime":608.58,"endTime":609.51,"body":"Let's call her Jenna."},{"startTime":610.44,"endTime":612.99,"body":"Jenna joined the hive while"},{"startTime":610.44,"endTime":612.99,"body":"absolutely drowning in shame."},{"startTime":613.74,"endTime":617.13,"body":"She said, Lisa, I can't stop"},{"startTime":613.74,"endTime":617.13,"body":"yelling every time I do it."},{"startTime":617.13,"endTime":618.15,"body":"I hate myself more."},{"startTime":619.05,"endTime":621.78,"body":"I know it's hurting my daughter,"},{"startTime":619.05,"endTime":621.78,"body":"but I can't seem to stop."},{"startTime":623.13,"endTime":625.89,"body":"And I asked her, okay, I hear that."},{"startTime":626.49,"endTime":628.83,"body":"So tell me, Jenna, what"},{"startTime":626.49,"endTime":628.83,"body":"happens right after you yell?"},{"startTime":630.15,"endTime":633.54,"body":"And she said, very matter of factly,"},{"startTime":630.15,"endTime":633.54,"body":"like this happens to everybody."},{"startTime":633.54,"endTime":635.7,"body":"She said, well, I feel like"},{"startTime":633.54,"endTime":635.7,"body":"the worst mother in the world."},{"startTime":636.3,"endTime":637.53,"body":"I can barely look at her."},{"startTime":637.8,"endTime":639.12,"body":"I just shut down."},{"startTime":640.14,"endTime":645.66,"body":"So I explained to Jenna that"},{"startTime":640.14,"endTime":645.66,"body":"that shutdown, that's shame."},{"startTime":646.709,"endTime":648.87,"body":"That's what's keeping"},{"startTime":646.709,"endTime":648.87,"body":"her stuck in the cycle."},{"startTime":649.26,"endTime":651.12,"body":"The shame, not the actual yelling."},{"startTime":652.05,"endTime":656.22,"body":"Because here's the thing, when you're"},{"startTime":652.05,"endTime":656.22,"body":"drowning in shame, you can't repair,"},{"startTime":656.88,"endTime":659.22,"body":"you can't reflect, you can't learn."},{"startTime":660.03,"endTime":663.87,"body":"You're too busy going back to the"},{"startTime":660.03,"endTime":663.87,"body":"past of what happened and living in"},{"startTime":663.87,"endTime":668.28,"body":"that moment and trying to survive the"},{"startTime":663.87,"endTime":668.28,"body":"feeling of being a terrible parent."},{"startTime":669.12,"endTime":673.41,"body":"So with Jenna, we worked on interpreting"},{"startTime":669.12,"endTime":673.41,"body":"the shame first before the repair."},{"startTime":673.755,"endTime":676.125,"body":"Before the reflection, just naming it."},{"startTime":677.084,"endTime":678.464,"body":"I'm feeling shame right now."},{"startTime":679.694,"endTime":683.805,"body":"I helped her understand the difference"},{"startTime":679.694,"endTime":683.805,"body":"between shame and guilt, and something"},{"startTime":683.805,"endTime":689.805,"body":"incredible happened once Jenna could name"},{"startTime":683.805,"endTime":689.805,"body":"the shame, it started to lose its power"},{"startTime":690.525,"endTime":693.375,"body":"because again, shame thrives in secrecy."},{"startTime":694.064,"endTime":695.234,"body":"It thrives in the dark."},{"startTime":696.165,"endTime":701.865,"body":"But when you bring it into the"},{"startTime":696.165,"endTime":701.865,"body":"light and you say, oh, that's shame."},{"startTime":702.765,"endTime":704.625,"body":"Suddenly it's not a fact anymore."},{"startTime":704.775,"endTime":705.795,"body":"It's just a feeling."},{"startTime":706.605,"endTime":711.135,"body":"And feelings can be processed"},{"startTime":706.605,"endTime":711.135,"body":"and let go of, and they can"},{"startTime":711.135,"endTime":712.935,"body":"also be managed with thoughts."},{"startTime":713.625,"endTime":719.205,"body":"So once Jenna could see that her higher"},{"startTime":713.625,"endTime":719.205,"body":"brain came back online and once her"},{"startTime":719.205,"endTime":724.245,"body":"higher brain came back online, she could"},{"startTime":719.205,"endTime":724.245,"body":"repair, she could reflect, she could"},{"startTime":724.245,"endTime":726.555,"body":"actually do it differently next time."},{"startTime":727.575,"endTime":727.935,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":728.73,"endTime":729.0,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":729.66,"endTime":729.96,"body":"All right."},{"startTime":729.96,"endTime":732.93,"body":"Here are some common shame"},{"startTime":729.96,"endTime":732.93,"body":"triggers I see with parents."},{"startTime":733.71,"endTime":735.42,"body":"There's the, I should know better by now."},{"startTime":736.53,"endTime":737.94,"body":"This one comes up all the time."},{"startTime":738.51,"endTime":739.83,"body":"Maybe you've been doing this work."},{"startTime":740.07,"endTime":741.45,"body":"Maybe you've read a ton of books."},{"startTime":741.99,"endTime":743.82,"body":"Maybe you're a devoted podcast listener."},{"startTime":744.78,"endTime":748.56,"body":"So when you mess up, shame"},{"startTime":744.78,"endTime":748.56,"body":"says you don't have an excuse."},{"startTime":748.98,"endTime":749.85,"body":"You should know better."},{"startTime":750.72,"endTime":755.28,"body":"Maybe your shame says to you other"},{"startTime":750.72,"endTime":755.28,"body":"parents don't struggle like this."},{"startTime":756.344,"endTime":758.385,"body":"Comparison is shame's best friend."},{"startTime":759.255,"endTime":762.194,"body":"You see another parent who seems"},{"startTime":759.255,"endTime":762.194,"body":"to have it all together, whether"},{"startTime":762.194,"endTime":767.175,"body":"it's at school, at the park, on"},{"startTime":762.194,"endTime":767.175,"body":"Instagram, and shame whispers."},{"startTime":767.175,"endTime":770.145,"body":"See, they can do it, why can't you?"},{"startTime":770.925,"endTime":775.185,"body":"And then there's the, I'm failing my"},{"startTime":770.925,"endTime":775.185,"body":"kid, and this is the cheapest one."},{"startTime":775.724,"endTime":779.084,"body":"That fear that your mistakes are"},{"startTime":775.724,"endTime":779.084,"body":"permanently damaging your kid."},{"startTime":779.925,"endTime":784.725,"body":"What shame does is it takes that fear"},{"startTime":779.925,"endTime":784.725,"body":"and it amplifies it louder and louder"},{"startTime":784.725,"endTime":786.855,"body":"and louder until it feels like a fact."},{"startTime":787.815,"endTime":790.515,"body":"And here's the secret shame that"},{"startTime":787.815,"endTime":790.515,"body":"almost every parent carries."},{"startTime":791.475,"endTime":796.185,"body":"If anyone knew how a really parent"},{"startTime":791.475,"endTime":796.185,"body":"behind closed doors, they'd be horrified."},{"startTime":797.265,"endTime":803.775,"body":"That one, well, that my friend, that's"},{"startTime":797.265,"endTime":803.775,"body":"the shame that keeps parents isolated."},{"startTime":804.825,"endTime":808.665,"body":"That's the shame that makes you feel"},{"startTime":804.825,"endTime":808.665,"body":"like you're the only one struggling."},{"startTime":809.865,"endTime":811.155,"body":"Here's what I want you to know."},{"startTime":811.965,"endTime":812.775,"body":"You're not alone."},{"startTime":813.615,"endTime":814.515,"body":"I promise."},{"startTime":815.415,"endTime":817.575,"body":"Every single parent has moments."},{"startTime":817.575,"endTime":819.945,"body":"They're not proud of every single one."},{"startTime":820.905,"endTime":825.555,"body":"The difference is whether you let"},{"startTime":820.905,"endTime":825.555,"body":"shame keep you stuck there, or whether"},{"startTime":825.555,"endTime":828.105,"body":"you interpret it and choose to grow."},{"startTime":829.035,"endTime":830.925,"body":"That's the difference."},{"startTime":831.765,"endTime":836.055,"body":"Okay, so we talked about what shame is"},{"startTime":831.765,"endTime":836.055,"body":"and how it shows up for you as the parent."},{"startTime":836.595,"endTime":840.735,"body":"Now I wanna talk about the part"},{"startTime":836.595,"endTime":840.735,"body":"that really matters how shame"},{"startTime":840.735,"endTime":842.175,"body":"gets passed on to our kids."},{"startTime":842.895,"endTime":844.155,"body":"Because here's the hard truth."},{"startTime":844.995,"endTime":849.705,"body":"When you carry shame about your"},{"startTime":844.995,"endTime":849.705,"body":"parenting or anything else about"},{"startTime":849.705,"endTime":851.655,"body":"yourself, your kids pick up on it."},{"startTime":852.195,"endTime":857.055,"body":"Even if you never say it out loud,"},{"startTime":852.195,"endTime":857.055,"body":"your tone, your body language, the way"},{"startTime":857.055,"endTime":862.515,"body":"you avoid eye contact after you lose"},{"startTime":857.055,"endTime":862.515,"body":"it, the way you get cold and distant"},{"startTime":862.995,"endTime":864.375,"body":"when you're disappointed in them."},{"startTime":865.215,"endTime":870.555,"body":"Kids are incredibly perceptive and your"},{"startTime":865.215,"endTime":870.555,"body":"kids read your energy and when they"},{"startTime":870.555,"endTime":872.925,"body":"feel your shame, they internalize it."},{"startTime":873.795,"endTime":877.125,"body":"If my mom feels bad about what"},{"startTime":873.795,"endTime":877.125,"body":"I did, I must really be bad."},{"startTime":877.965,"endTime":880.995,"body":"And once the seed of shame"},{"startTime":877.965,"endTime":880.995,"body":"gets planted, it grows."},{"startTime":881.895,"endTime":885.855,"body":"So let me give you some really concrete"},{"startTime":881.895,"endTime":885.855,"body":"examples of how shame gets passed."},{"startTime":886.155,"endTime":891.585,"body":"Two kids at different ages, your toddler"},{"startTime":886.155,"endTime":891.585,"body":"hit, hits another kid at the park, and"},{"startTime":891.585,"endTime":893.21,"body":"in your embarrassment, in your shame."},{"startTime":893.865,"endTime":895.545,"body":"About what other parents are thinking."},{"startTime":895.574,"endTime":899.145,"body":"You say you should know better"},{"startTime":895.574,"endTime":899.145,"body":"than to hit what is wrong with you."},{"startTime":900.194,"endTime":904.245,"body":"So that gap voice in your head is"},{"startTime":900.194,"endTime":904.245,"body":"telling you they should be able"},{"startTime":904.245,"endTime":905.714,"body":"to control themselves by now."},{"startTime":906.765,"endTime":909.795,"body":"And the shame voice says there's"},{"startTime":906.765,"endTime":909.795,"body":"something wrong with you, the parent"},{"startTime":910.155,"endTime":912.795,"body":"for not being able to control them."},{"startTime":914.03,"endTime":915.435,"body":"And what is your toddler here?"},{"startTime":915.944,"endTime":917.865,"body":"I'm bad and there's"},{"startTime":915.944,"endTime":917.865,"body":"something wrong with me."},{"startTime":918.915,"endTime":921.675,"body":"Let's say your first grader lies"},{"startTime":918.915,"endTime":921.675,"body":"about finishing their homework."},{"startTime":922.05,"endTime":923.61,"body":"You feel that hot shame."},{"startTime":924.3,"endTime":925.47,"body":"I'm raising a liar."},{"startTime":925.89,"endTime":927.06,"body":"What did I do wrong?"},{"startTime":927.63,"endTime":930.51,"body":"So you say out loud to your"},{"startTime":927.63,"endTime":930.51,"body":"kid, I'm so disappointed in you."},{"startTime":931.77,"endTime":933.87,"body":"The gap says they should be honest by now."},{"startTime":934.8,"endTime":938.94,"body":"The shame boy says, I failed to raise"},{"startTime":934.8,"endTime":938.94,"body":"an honest kid and they failed to be one."},{"startTime":939.275,"endTime":941.37,"body":"What is your kid here?"},{"startTime":942.63,"endTime":943.62,"body":"I'm a disappointment."},{"startTime":945.18,"endTime":949.17,"body":"I'm a disappointment My entire"},{"startTime":945.18,"endTime":949.17,"body":"being is a disappointment."},{"startTime":950.714,"endTime":953.984,"body":"Your third grader gets in trouble at"},{"startTime":950.714,"endTime":953.984,"body":"school for talking back to the teacher."},{"startTime":954.584,"endTime":959.805,"body":"You get an email and in in your shame, you"},{"startTime":954.584,"endTime":959.805,"body":"think, what would the teacher think of me?"},{"startTime":960.285,"endTime":962.385,"body":"What kind of parent lets"},{"startTime":960.285,"endTime":962.385,"body":"their kid act like this?"},{"startTime":963.135,"endTime":967.244,"body":"So you come down hard and you ask your"},{"startTime":963.135,"endTime":967.244,"body":"kid, why can't you just get it together?"},{"startTime":967.635,"endTime":968.81,"body":"Everyone else is following the rules."},{"startTime":969.135,"endTime":969.974,"body":"Why can't you?"},{"startTime":970.935,"endTime":977.415,"body":"Your gap voice says your kid should be"},{"startTime":970.935,"endTime":977.415,"body":"more respectful to teachers, to people to."},{"startTime":977.865,"endTime":979.755,"body":"People have authority to elderly."},{"startTime":981.015,"endTime":985.635,"body":"Your shame voice says there's something"},{"startTime":981.015,"endTime":985.635,"body":"wrong with them for not being able"},{"startTime":985.635,"endTime":987.165,"body":"to do what everyone else can do."},{"startTime":988.215,"endTime":989.655,"body":"What does your kid internalized?"},{"startTime":990.435,"endTime":992.835,"body":"I'm broken and I can't"},{"startTime":990.435,"endTime":992.835,"body":"do what other kids do."},{"startTime":994.005,"endTime":998.265,"body":"Your middle schooler bombs a test"},{"startTime":994.005,"endTime":998.265,"body":"and in your anxiety, your shame about"},{"startTime":998.265,"endTime":1001.925,"body":"their future, you're shame about"},{"startTime":998.265,"endTime":1001.925,"body":"what this says about your parenting."},{"startTime":1002.195,"endTime":1004.265,"body":"You say you're not even trying."},{"startTime":1004.685,"endTime":1005.735,"body":"Do you wanna fail?"},{"startTime":1006.574,"endTime":1008.974,"body":"Your gap voice says they"},{"startTime":1006.574,"endTime":1008.974,"body":"should be more motivated."},{"startTime":1009.665,"endTime":1012.665,"body":"Your shame voice says"},{"startTime":1009.665,"endTime":1012.665,"body":"they're lazy and unmotivated."},{"startTime":1012.905,"endTime":1014.735,"body":"They're gonna fail, and"},{"startTime":1012.905,"endTime":1014.735,"body":"they're gonna be living under"},{"startTime":1014.735,"endTime":1015.935,"body":"a bridge of the shopping cart."},{"startTime":1016.685,"endTime":1017.704,"body":"What is your kid here?"},{"startTime":1018.305,"endTime":1019.145,"body":"I'm a failure."},{"startTime":1019.714,"endTime":1023.824,"body":"I'm, I'm not capable of figuring this"},{"startTime":1019.714,"endTime":1023.824,"body":"out, and I'm letting everyone down."},{"startTime":1024.905,"endTime":1027.905,"body":"Your high schooler gets caught"},{"startTime":1024.905,"endTime":1027.905,"body":"vaping, and in your panic."},{"startTime":1028.79,"endTime":1031.849,"body":"In your shame about what this"},{"startTime":1028.79,"endTime":1031.849,"body":"says about your family, about your"},{"startTime":1031.849,"endTime":1033.86,"body":"parenting and them, you blow up."},{"startTime":1034.19,"endTime":1035.599,"body":"How could you be so stupid?"},{"startTime":1036.02,"endTime":1038.12,"body":"Do you have any idea what"},{"startTime":1036.02,"endTime":1038.12,"body":"you're doing to your future?"},{"startTime":1039.079,"endTime":1042.17,"body":"Your gap voice says they should"},{"startTime":1039.079,"endTime":1042.17,"body":"be met, be making better choices."},{"startTime":1042.5,"endTime":1046.01,"body":"And your shame voice says they're"},{"startTime":1042.5,"endTime":1046.01,"body":"stupid, they're reckless, and"},{"startTime":1046.01,"endTime":1047.12,"body":"they're throwing their life away."},{"startTime":1048.38,"endTime":1050.03,"body":"And what is your teen internalize?"},{"startTime":1050.18,"endTime":1052.915,"body":"I'm stupid and I'm"},{"startTime":1050.18,"endTime":1052.915,"body":"messing my whole life up."},{"startTime":1054.05,"endTime":1056.93,"body":"Maybe they're even saying,"},{"startTime":1054.05,"endTime":1056.93,"body":"well, if I've messed it up, I"},{"startTime":1056.93,"endTime":1058.07,"body":"might as well just go for it."},{"startTime":1059.3,"endTime":1061.37,"body":"Maybe you have a senior in"},{"startTime":1059.3,"endTime":1061.37,"body":"high school that's struggling"},{"startTime":1061.37,"endTime":1062.72,"body":"with college applications."},{"startTime":1063.32,"endTime":1067.61,"body":"They're overwhelmed, they're"},{"startTime":1063.32,"endTime":1067.61,"body":"procrastinating, and in your fear, your"},{"startTime":1067.61,"endTime":1072.08,"body":"shame about what will happen if they don't"},{"startTime":1067.61,"endTime":1072.08,"body":"get into a good school, you compare them."},{"startTime":1072.71,"endTime":1074.84,"body":"Your cousin already has three acceptances."},{"startTime":1075.26,"endTime":1078.05,"body":"Why can't you just focus your gap?"},{"startTime":1078.05,"endTime":1080.09,"body":"Voice says they should"},{"startTime":1078.05,"endTime":1080.09,"body":"be more on top of things."},{"startTime":1080.51,"endTime":1081.71,"body":"Your shame voice says."},{"startTime":1081.8,"endTime":1084.5,"body":"If they don't measure up,"},{"startTime":1081.8,"endTime":1084.5,"body":"they're unmotivated, they're"},{"startTime":1084.5,"endTime":1085.85,"body":"not as good as other kids."},{"startTime":1086.78,"endTime":1088.19,"body":"And what is your young adult here?"},{"startTime":1088.79,"endTime":1090.98,"body":"I'm not good enough"},{"startTime":1088.79,"endTime":1090.98,"body":"and I don't measure up."},{"startTime":1092.06,"endTime":1096.02,"body":"You see the pattern when you feel"},{"startTime":1092.06,"endTime":1096.02,"body":"shame about your kid's behavior."},{"startTime":1096.71,"endTime":1098.93,"body":"Shame about what it says"},{"startTime":1096.71,"endTime":1098.93,"body":"about you as a parent."},{"startTime":1099.56,"endTime":1103.19,"body":"Shame about what other people will"},{"startTime":1099.56,"endTime":1103.19,"body":"think, shame about their future."},{"startTime":1103.85,"endTime":1105.71,"body":"Your kid doesn't just feel corrected."},{"startTime":1106.129,"endTime":1107.3,"body":"They feel defective."},{"startTime":1108.26,"endTime":1113.33,"body":"They learn when I make mistakes,"},{"startTime":1108.26,"endTime":1113.33,"body":"I'm not just wrong, I'm bad and"},{"startTime":1113.33,"endTime":1114.65,"body":"there's something wrong with me."},{"startTime":1114.98,"endTime":1119.57,"body":"It's not a process problem, it's a"},{"startTime":1114.98,"endTime":1119.57,"body":"character problem, and that's the shame"},{"startTime":1119.57,"endTime":1121.28,"body":"message that falls them into adulthood."},{"startTime":1122.33,"endTime":1123.53,"body":"But here's the good news."},{"startTime":1123.89,"endTime":1125.06,"body":"You can interrupt this."},{"startTime":1125.39,"endTime":1129.83,"body":"You can break the cycle, and it"},{"startTime":1125.39,"endTime":1129.83,"body":"starts with recognizing your own"},{"startTime":1129.83,"endTime":1131.76,"body":"shame and choosing not to pass it on."},{"startTime":1133.25,"endTime":1136.28,"body":"Okay, so here's what I"},{"startTime":1133.25,"endTime":1136.28,"body":"want you to do this week."},{"startTime":1136.61,"endTime":1141.11,"body":"These are simple practices, but they're"},{"startTime":1136.61,"endTime":1141.11,"body":"gonna be game changers, homework"},{"startTime":1141.11,"endTime":1143.51,"body":"assignment number one, name your shame."},{"startTime":1144.23,"endTime":1147.649,"body":"This week I want you to pay"},{"startTime":1144.23,"endTime":1147.649,"body":"attention to that feeling, the one"},{"startTime":1147.649,"endTime":1152.06,"body":"that shows up after you mess up the"},{"startTime":1147.649,"endTime":1152.06,"body":"one that says, I'm a bad parent."},{"startTime":1152.96,"endTime":1156.83,"body":"Next time you feel it, I want"},{"startTime":1152.96,"endTime":1156.83,"body":"you to pause just for three"},{"startTime":1156.83,"endTime":1158.99,"body":"seconds and name it out loud."},{"startTime":1159.62,"endTime":1160.625,"body":"I'm feeling shame right now."},{"startTime":1161.81,"endTime":1162.41,"body":"That's it."},{"startTime":1162.68,"endTime":1163.67,"body":"You don't have to fix it."},{"startTime":1164.03,"endTime":1165.23,"body":"You don't have to argue with it."},{"startTime":1165.29,"endTime":1168.65,"body":"Just name it because here's what"},{"startTime":1165.29,"endTime":1168.65,"body":"happens when you name shame,"},{"startTime":1169.1,"endTime":1170.54,"body":"it starts to lose its power."},{"startTime":1171.41,"endTime":1176.51,"body":"Shame thrives in secrecy and it thrives"},{"startTime":1171.41,"endTime":1176.51,"body":"in the dark, but when you bring it into"},{"startTime":1176.51,"endTime":1181.64,"body":"light and say, oh, that's shame talking,"},{"startTime":1176.51,"endTime":1181.64,"body":"suddenly it's not a fact anymore."},{"startTime":1182.0,"endTime":1184.52,"body":"It's just a feeling and"},{"startTime":1182.0,"endTime":1184.52,"body":"feelings can change."},{"startTime":1185.39,"endTime":1186.8,"body":"Homework assignment number two."},{"startTime":1187.07,"endTime":1189.59,"body":"I want you to separate"},{"startTime":1187.07,"endTime":1189.59,"body":"behavior from identity."},{"startTime":1190.385,"endTime":1195.065,"body":"This one is for both you and your"},{"startTime":1190.385,"endTime":1195.065,"body":"kids for yourself when you mess up."},{"startTime":1195.335,"endTime":1199.925,"body":"Practice saying, I yelled instead of"},{"startTime":1195.335,"endTime":1199.925,"body":"I'm a bad parent, I lost my temper,"},{"startTime":1199.925,"endTime":1201.395,"body":"instead of I'm failing my kid."},{"startTime":1202.265,"endTime":1203.855,"body":"Behavior is something you did."},{"startTime":1203.945,"endTime":1205.235,"body":"Identity is who you are."},{"startTime":1205.625,"endTime":1206.795,"body":"Don't confuse the two."},{"startTime":1207.605,"endTime":1213.185,"body":"And for your kid, when they mess up"},{"startTime":1207.605,"endTime":1213.185,"body":"and they will practice saying, you hit"},{"startTime":1213.185,"endTime":1215.915,"body":"your brother instead of you're mean."},{"startTime":1217.025,"endTime":1222.185,"body":"You didn't report the facts of what"},{"startTime":1217.025,"endTime":1222.185,"body":"happened instead of you're a liar."},{"startTime":1222.935,"endTime":1227.885,"body":"This is very important because when you"},{"startTime":1222.935,"endTime":1227.885,"body":"attach shame to their identity, they"},{"startTime":1227.885,"endTime":1229.475,"body":"start to believe that's who they are."},{"startTime":1230.195,"endTime":1235.145,"body":"But when you focus on the behavior, you're"},{"startTime":1230.195,"endTime":1235.145,"body":"giving them room to change homework."},{"startTime":1235.175,"endTime":1239.465,"body":"Assignment number three is to"},{"startTime":1235.175,"endTime":1239.465,"body":"practice shame, resilience language."},{"startTime":1240.365,"endTime":1244.685,"body":"This week when your kid messes up, I want"},{"startTime":1240.365,"endTime":1244.685,"body":"you to try saying one of these phrases."},{"startTime":1245.629,"endTime":1246.65,"body":"You made a mistake."},{"startTime":1247.01,"endTime":1248.48,"body":"That doesn't mean you are a mistake."},{"startTime":1249.32,"endTime":1250.49,"body":"That was a hard moment."},{"startTime":1250.55,"endTime":1251.75,"body":"We'll figure it out together."},{"startTime":1252.77,"endTime":1254.45,"body":"I'm not disappointed in who you are."},{"startTime":1254.72,"endTime":1258.05,"body":"I'm concerned about what happened,"},{"startTime":1254.72,"endTime":1258.05,"body":"and I know you can handle this."},{"startTime":1258.98,"endTime":1260.12,"body":"Everyone messes up."},{"startTime":1260.96,"endTime":1262.1,"body":"This is how we learn."},{"startTime":1262.16,"endTime":1265.04,"body":"Let's talk about what you"},{"startTime":1262.16,"endTime":1265.04,"body":"can do differently next time."},{"startTime":1265.97,"endTime":1267.11,"body":"Can you hear the difference?"},{"startTime":1267.53,"endTime":1270.59,"body":"You're acknowledging the mistake"},{"startTime":1267.53,"endTime":1270.59,"body":"without attaching worth to it."},{"startTime":1271.22,"endTime":1272.66,"body":"You're separating the behavior."},{"startTime":1273.08,"endTime":1277.58,"body":"From the identity and you're teaching"},{"startTime":1273.08,"endTime":1277.58,"body":"them that mistakes are a part of"},{"startTime":1277.58,"endTime":1279.68,"body":"growth, not proof that they're broken."},{"startTime":1280.52,"endTime":1285.38,"body":"This is how you build shame, resilience"},{"startTime":1280.52,"endTime":1285.38,"body":"in our kids, not by never correcting"},{"startTime":1285.38,"endTime":1291.23,"body":"them, not by letting everything slide,"},{"startTime":1285.38,"endTime":1291.23,"body":"but by responding to mistakes in a way"},{"startTime":1291.23,"endTime":1296.27,"body":"that says, you're still good, you're"},{"startTime":1291.23,"endTime":1296.27,"body":"still worthy, and you can learn from this."},{"startTime":1297.11,"endTime":1297.5,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1298.25,"endTime":1298.7,"body":"Awesome."},{"startTime":1299.42,"endTime":1301.8,"body":"Alright, let's bring it all"},{"startTime":1299.42,"endTime":1301.8,"body":"together today before we wrap up."},{"startTime":1302.675,"endTime":1306.065,"body":"The first thing we talked about today"},{"startTime":1302.675,"endTime":1306.065,"body":"is that shame is different from guilt."},{"startTime":1306.725,"endTime":1308.465,"body":"Guilt says, I did something bad."},{"startTime":1308.705,"endTime":1310.205,"body":"Shame says I am bad."},{"startTime":1310.865,"endTime":1312.275,"body":"Guilt motivates change."},{"startTime":1312.365,"endTime":1313.505,"body":"Shame paralyzes."},{"startTime":1314.675,"endTime":1318.575,"body":"Second, when you're stuck in the gap,"},{"startTime":1314.675,"endTime":1318.575,"body":"shame is the emotion that keeps you there."},{"startTime":1318.935,"endTime":1322.055,"body":"It shuts down your higher brain"},{"startTime":1318.935,"endTime":1322.055,"body":"and keeps you from being able"},{"startTime":1322.055,"endTime":1323.975,"body":"to reflect, repair, or grow."},{"startTime":1324.875,"endTime":1326.945,"body":"And third, shame doesn't just hurt you."},{"startTime":1327.245,"endTime":1328.715,"body":"It gets passed on to your kids."},{"startTime":1329.555,"endTime":1333.635,"body":"Through our tone, our body language, and"},{"startTime":1329.555,"endTime":1333.635,"body":"the way we respond to their mistakes."},{"startTime":1333.995,"endTime":1335.765,"body":"And kids internalize shame."},{"startTime":1336.065,"endTime":1339.305,"body":"They start to believe there's something"},{"startTime":1336.065,"endTime":1339.305,"body":"fundamentally wrong with them."},{"startTime":1340.295,"endTime":1346.445,"body":"And lastly, you can break the cycle by"},{"startTime":1340.295,"endTime":1346.445,"body":"naming your shame, by separating behavior"},{"startTime":1346.445,"endTime":1350.375,"body":"from identity, by practicing shame,"},{"startTime":1346.445,"endTime":1350.375,"body":"resilience language with your kids."},{"startTime":1350.855,"endTime":1353.435,"body":"Every time you interrupt the"},{"startTime":1350.855,"endTime":1353.435,"body":"shame in yourself, you're"},{"startTime":1353.435,"endTime":1354.725,"body":"stopping it from reaching them."},{"startTime":1355.805,"endTime":1361.175,"body":"Now, I know today's episode was heavy, and"},{"startTime":1355.805,"endTime":1361.175,"body":"I know shame's not an easy topic to talk"},{"startTime":1361.175,"endTime":1363.065,"body":"about, but here's what I want you to hear."},{"startTime":1363.815,"endTime":1366.875,"body":"The fact that you're even here listening"},{"startTime":1363.815,"endTime":1366.875,"body":"to this, the fact that you care enough to"},{"startTime":1366.875,"endTime":1372.005,"body":"examine your own shame and how it affects"},{"startTime":1366.875,"endTime":1372.005,"body":"your kids, that right there is proof."},{"startTime":1372.635,"endTime":1373.625,"body":"You're not a bad parent."},{"startTime":1374.225,"endTime":1377.105,"body":"Bad parents don't worry about"},{"startTime":1374.225,"endTime":1377.105,"body":"whether they're bad parents."},{"startTime":1378.065,"endTime":1380.765,"body":"Shame loses its power when"},{"startTime":1378.065,"endTime":1380.765,"body":"you bring it into light."},{"startTime":1381.425,"endTime":1382.83,"body":"Shame cannot survive in the open."},{"startTime":1383.524,"endTime":1385.235,"body":"It can only survive in secrecy."},{"startTime":1385.895,"endTime":1390.365,"body":"Every time you catch yourself in a shame"},{"startTime":1385.895,"endTime":1390.365,"body":"spiral and you interrupt it every time"},{"startTime":1390.365,"endTime":1393.905,"body":"you name it, instead of hiding from"},{"startTime":1390.365,"endTime":1393.905,"body":"it, you're not just helping yourself."},{"startTime":1394.475,"endTime":1396.725,"body":"You are breaking a generational cycle."},{"startTime":1397.385,"endTime":1399.995,"body":"You're teaching your kids that"},{"startTime":1397.385,"endTime":1399.995,"body":"mistakes don't define you, that"},{"startTime":1399.995,"endTime":1403.835,"body":"you can mess up and still be"},{"startTime":1399.995,"endTime":1403.835,"body":"worthy, and the growth is possible."},{"startTime":1404.63,"endTime":1409.34,"body":"That's the legacy I wanna help you"},{"startTime":1404.63,"endTime":1409.34,"body":"build with you and with your kids."},{"startTime":1409.67,"endTime":1412.13,"body":"One shame-free moment at a time."},{"startTime":1412.79,"endTime":1413.18,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1413.99,"endTime":1414.41,"body":"Awesome."},{"startTime":1415.22,"endTime":1419.18,"body":"Okay, until next time, I'm"},{"startTime":1415.22,"endTime":1419.18,"body":"wishing you Peaceful Parenting."},{"startTime":1421.7,"endTime":1423.83,"body":"Thanks for listening to Real"},{"startTime":1421.7,"endTime":1423.83,"body":"World Peaceful Parenting."},{"startTime":1424.31,"endTime":1427.07,"body":"If you want more info on how you"},{"startTime":1424.31,"endTime":1427.07,"body":"can transform your parenting,"},{"startTime":1427.34,"endTime":1428.605,"body":"visit the peaceful parent.com."},{"startTime":1428.945,"endTime":1429.845,"body":"See you soon."}]}