{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Welcome to Real World Peaceful"},{"startTime":1.2,"endTime":4.41,"body":"Parenting, a podcast for parents"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"that are tired of yelling,"},{"startTime":4.41,"endTime":7.08,"body":"threatening, and punishing their kids."},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.73,"body":"Join mom and master certified parent"},{"startTime":7.62,"endTime":11.73,"body":"coach Lisa Smith as she gives you"},{"startTime":11.73,"endTime":15.15,"body":"actionable step-by-step strategies"},{"startTime":11.73,"endTime":15.15,"body":"that'll help you transform your"},{"startTime":15.15,"endTime":17.4,"body":"household from chaos to cooperation."},{"startTime":17.82,"endTime":18.33,"body":"Let's dive in."},{"startTime":22.71,"endTime":28.05,"body":"Welcome, welcome, welcome,"},{"startTime":22.71,"endTime":28.05,"body":"welcome to today's episode."},{"startTime":28.755,"endTime":31.905,"body":"I am so excited to be with you here today."},{"startTime":32.655,"endTime":38.475,"body":"Last week in episode two 70, we laid"},{"startTime":32.655,"endTime":38.475,"body":"down something really foundational."},{"startTime":39.255,"endTime":42.525,"body":"We talked about what emotional"},{"startTime":39.255,"endTime":42.525,"body":"regulation actually is."},{"startTime":43.365,"endTime":47.144,"body":"The kids aren't born knowing"},{"startTime":43.365,"endTime":47.144,"body":"how to handle big feelings."},{"startTime":47.925,"endTime":52.965,"body":"The behavior is communication, and"},{"startTime":47.925,"endTime":52.965,"body":"that your kids literally borrow."},{"startTime":53.325,"endTime":54.075,"body":"Calm from you."},{"startTime":54.975,"endTime":57.165,"body":"If you haven't listened"},{"startTime":54.975,"endTime":57.165,"body":"to that episode yet."},{"startTime":57.93,"endTime":60.12,"body":"I wanna encourage you"},{"startTime":57.93,"endTime":60.12,"body":"to go and have a listen."},{"startTime":60.81,"endTime":65.79,"body":"It will change how you see"},{"startTime":60.81,"endTime":65.79,"body":"your kids and their meltdowns."},{"startTime":66.72,"endTime":71.4,"body":"But today, today is one that I've"},{"startTime":66.72,"endTime":71.4,"body":"been wanting to do for a long time"},{"startTime":72.36,"endTime":74.1,"body":"because here's what I've noticed."},{"startTime":74.1,"endTime":79.35,"body":"After years of coaching parents,"},{"startTime":74.1,"endTime":79.35,"body":"and honestly after years of doing"},{"startTime":79.38,"endTime":84.6,"body":"my own work as a parent, most of us"},{"startTime":79.38,"endTime":84.6,"body":"can nod along when someone explains"},{"startTime":84.6,"endTime":85.71,"body":"what emotional regulation is."},{"startTime":87.105,"endTime":88.575,"body":"We get it conceptually, right?"},{"startTime":88.575,"endTime":90.495,"body":"We think, yeah, that makes sense."},{"startTime":90.525,"endTime":91.515,"body":"I see what you're saying."},{"startTime":92.205,"endTime":93.975,"body":"But then life happens."},{"startTime":94.425,"endTime":97.335,"body":"Your kid is melting down"},{"startTime":94.425,"endTime":97.335,"body":"in the middle of target."},{"startTime":98.145,"endTime":103.575,"body":"Your teenager slams the door and the"},{"startTime":98.145,"endTime":103.575,"body":"whole house reverberates and everything"},{"startTime":103.575,"endTime":109.095,"body":"you thought you understood just flies"},{"startTime":103.575,"endTime":109.095,"body":"right out the window and you're left"},{"startTime":109.095,"endTime":111.615,"body":"wondering, what am I even doing?"},{"startTime":111.735,"endTime":112.995,"body":"And why isn't this working?"},{"startTime":114.24,"endTime":118.919,"body":"A lot of the time, the reason it"},{"startTime":114.24,"endTime":118.919,"body":"isn't working isn't because you don't"},{"startTime":118.919,"endTime":121.74,"body":"understand what emotional regulation is."},{"startTime":122.22,"endTime":127.229,"body":"It's because you're still"},{"startTime":122.22,"endTime":127.229,"body":"unknowingly practicing what it isn't."},{"startTime":128.009,"endTime":131.79,"body":"So today I'm here to"},{"startTime":128.009,"endTime":131.79,"body":"help you bust the myths."},{"startTime":132.66,"endTime":136.89,"body":"Today I'm here to bring you"},{"startTime":132.66,"endTime":136.89,"body":"the four biggest misconceptions"},{"startTime":137.25,"endTime":138.51,"body":"about emotional regulation."},{"startTime":139.23,"endTime":143.16,"body":"That I see tripping parents up"},{"startTime":139.23,"endTime":143.16,"body":"over and over and over again."},{"startTime":144.03,"endTime":149.46,"body":"Now, one or two of these are going"},{"startTime":144.03,"endTime":149.46,"body":"to feel uncomfortable, and some"},{"startTime":149.46,"endTime":151.59,"body":"of them might make you go, oh no."},{"startTime":152.43,"endTime":153.24,"body":"Oh shoot."},{"startTime":153.24,"endTime":157.71,"body":"I've been doing that, and I wanna"},{"startTime":153.24,"endTime":157.71,"body":"say right now that it's okay."},{"startTime":158.595,"endTime":160.815,"body":"This is not a reason for shame."},{"startTime":161.295,"endTime":166.785,"body":"I'm not here to judge, and this"},{"startTime":161.295,"endTime":166.785,"body":"is a reason to celebrate because"},{"startTime":166.995,"endTime":169.305,"body":"awareness is where everything changes."},{"startTime":169.605,"endTime":173.925,"body":"Remember the late great Maya Angelou"},{"startTime":169.605,"endTime":173.925,"body":"said, when we know better, we do better."},{"startTime":174.375,"endTime":176.055,"body":"So we're here to do better."},{"startTime":176.835,"endTime":177.405,"body":"You ready?"},{"startTime":177.825,"endTime":178.635,"body":"Okay, let's go."},{"startTime":179.685,"endTime":181.245,"body":"Emotional myth number one."},{"startTime":181.905,"endTime":185.205,"body":"Emotional regulation means"},{"startTime":181.905,"endTime":185.205,"body":"controlling your kid's behavior."},{"startTime":185.91,"endTime":193.11,"body":"Now, this is a big one, and I think"},{"startTime":185.91,"endTime":193.11,"body":"it's the root of so much frustration."},{"startTime":193.29,"endTime":194.4,"body":"Parents experience."},{"startTime":195.12,"endTime":198.3,"body":"When most parents first hear"},{"startTime":195.12,"endTime":198.3,"body":"about emotional regulation,"},{"startTime":199.02,"endTime":200.04,"body":"here's what they picture."},{"startTime":200.85,"endTime":202.35,"body":"A kid who stops melting down."},{"startTime":202.95,"endTime":208.74,"body":"A kid who complies, a kid who takes a deep"},{"startTime":202.95,"endTime":208.74,"body":"breath and says, oh, okay, I understand."},{"startTime":209.22,"endTime":210.3,"body":"And moves on peacefully."},{"startTime":211.17,"endTime":213.36,"body":"Basically, a kid who's easy."},{"startTime":214.065,"endTime":218.265,"body":"I get it because when we're"},{"startTime":214.065,"endTime":218.265,"body":"exhausted and we've been in the"},{"startTime":218.265,"endTime":222.555,"body":"trenches with our strong-willed kid"},{"startTime":218.265,"endTime":222.555,"body":"for years easier, sounds amazing."},{"startTime":223.095,"endTime":227.715,"body":"It sounds like the finish line, but"},{"startTime":223.095,"endTime":227.715,"body":"here's the truth that I want you to see."},{"startTime":228.465,"endTime":234.765,"body":"Emotional regulation is not, not"},{"startTime":228.465,"endTime":234.765,"body":"about controlling your kid's behavior."},{"startTime":235.365,"endTime":237.495,"body":"It is not a compliance strategy."},{"startTime":238.515,"endTime":243.435,"body":"And the moment we start using it"},{"startTime":238.515,"endTime":243.435,"body":"as one, the moment we bring out the"},{"startTime":243.435,"endTime":248.234,"body":"breathing exercises or the calm down"},{"startTime":243.435,"endTime":248.234,"body":"corner as a tool to make the behavior"},{"startTime":248.234,"endTime":250.965,"body":"stop, we're missing the entire point."},{"startTime":251.625,"endTime":255.644,"body":"Think about it this way, if you came to"},{"startTime":251.625,"endTime":255.644,"body":"me in tears about something really hard"},{"startTime":255.644,"endTime":262.365,"body":"in your life, and I said, okay, take three"},{"startTime":255.644,"endTime":262.365,"body":"deep breaths and use your coping skills,"},{"startTime":263.205,"endTime":266.805,"body":"or take three deep breaths and then stop."},{"startTime":267.344,"endTime":269.445,"body":"All of your tears and get over it."},{"startTime":269.865,"endTime":270.615,"body":"How would you feel?"},{"startTime":271.875,"endTime":272.984,"body":"It would feel dismissive."},{"startTime":272.984,"endTime":273.375,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":274.484,"endTime":277.965,"body":"It might even feel like your"},{"startTime":274.484,"endTime":277.965,"body":"pain was inconvenient for me"},{"startTime":278.265,"endTime":279.585,"body":"and I'm rushing you through it."},{"startTime":280.155,"endTime":282.315,"body":"Like I just wanted you to stop feeling it."},{"startTime":282.705,"endTime":283.155,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":284.115,"endTime":290.055,"body":"That's how our kids feel when we use"},{"startTime":284.115,"endTime":290.055,"body":"regulation tools to manage their behavior"},{"startTime":290.354,"endTime":292.544,"body":"instead of supporting their emotions."},{"startTime":293.385,"endTime":296.355,"body":"Now I wanna be really clear here"},{"startTime":293.385,"endTime":296.355,"body":"because this does not mean there are"},{"startTime":296.355,"endTime":300.885,"body":"no boundaries or limits or that they"},{"startTime":296.355,"endTime":300.885,"body":"can do whatever behavior they want."},{"startTime":301.275,"endTime":306.285,"body":"There absolutely are limits and rules,"},{"startTime":301.275,"endTime":306.285,"body":"and we talked about that last week."},{"startTime":306.765,"endTime":307.995,"body":"Calm is not permissive."},{"startTime":308.235,"endTime":309.585,"body":"Steady is not soft."},{"startTime":309.885,"endTime":315.105,"body":"You can can be supported through a big"},{"startTime":309.885,"endTime":315.105,"body":"feeling and still face the consequence."},{"startTime":315.555,"endTime":317.325,"body":"Those two things are not in conflict."},{"startTime":317.835,"endTime":322.305,"body":"But the goal of emotional regulation"},{"startTime":317.835,"endTime":322.305,"body":"is not to control your kid."},{"startTime":322.815,"endTime":329.355,"body":"The goal is a kid who feels safe"},{"startTime":322.815,"endTime":329.355,"body":"inside their own emotional experience."},{"startTime":330.135,"endTime":331.065,"body":"Let me say that again."},{"startTime":331.365,"endTime":336.765,"body":"The goal is a kid who learns to"},{"startTime":331.365,"endTime":336.765,"body":"feel safe inside their own emotional"},{"startTime":337.335,"endTime":342.27,"body":"experience, who learns over time"},{"startTime":337.335,"endTime":342.27,"body":"that big feelings are survivable."},{"startTime":343.38,"endTime":347.1,"body":"That they won't be abandoned or"},{"startTime":343.38,"endTime":347.1,"body":"shamed for having the big feelings."},{"startTime":347.34,"endTime":352.08,"body":"That's what we're building together,"},{"startTime":347.34,"endTime":352.08,"body":"you and me, for and with your kids."},{"startTime":352.86,"endTime":356.91,"body":"So the question to ask yourself is, am"},{"startTime":352.86,"endTime":356.91,"body":"I trying to help my kid feel safe right"},{"startTime":356.91,"endTime":359.28,"body":"now or am I trying to help them stop?"},{"startTime":360.06,"endTime":363.21,"body":"This one question will tell you"},{"startTime":360.06,"endTime":363.21,"body":"everything you need to know."},{"startTime":363.99,"endTime":367.35,"body":"I wanna share something with you"},{"startTime":363.99,"endTime":367.35,"body":"that still stings a little bit"},{"startTime":367.77,"endTime":369.15,"body":"when I think and talk about it."},{"startTime":370.169,"endTime":374.01,"body":"I'm sharing it because I think you"},{"startTime":370.169,"endTime":374.01,"body":"might recognize yourself in it."},{"startTime":375.09,"endTime":377.219,"body":"Malcolm was about eight, remember?"},{"startTime":377.219,"endTime":383.31,"body":"He is 21 now, and bedtime had become a"},{"startTime":377.219,"endTime":383.31,"body":"full on battleground every single night."},{"startTime":384.0,"endTime":385.349,"body":"Stalling arguing."},{"startTime":385.56,"endTime":386.61,"body":"One more drink of water."},{"startTime":386.61,"endTime":387.69,"body":"One more question."},{"startTime":388.02,"endTime":388.77,"body":"One more Anything."},{"startTime":388.77,"endTime":391.11,"body":"And frankly I was exhausted."},{"startTime":391.68,"endTime":393.12,"body":"I was starting my business."},{"startTime":393.51,"endTime":394.5,"body":"I was."},{"startTime":395.1,"endTime":396.66,"body":"Managing the entire household."},{"startTime":396.66,"endTime":401.79,"body":"My husband was traveling a ton, and"},{"startTime":396.66,"endTime":401.79,"body":"remember, Malcolm is a strong-willed,"},{"startTime":401.79,"endTime":403.62,"body":"full contact sport kind of kid."},{"startTime":404.28,"endTime":406.89,"body":"So one night I decided"},{"startTime":404.28,"endTime":406.89,"body":"I was gonna do it right."},{"startTime":407.46,"endTime":412.41,"body":"I was going to use the tools I was tonight"},{"startTime":407.46,"endTime":412.41,"body":"to night, I'm gonna use them perfectly."},{"startTime":413.19,"endTime":418.59,"body":"So he started getting amped up and"},{"startTime":413.19,"endTime":418.59,"body":"I said, in my calmest voice, let's"},{"startTime":418.59,"endTime":420.72,"body":"take a big deep breath together."},{"startTime":421.53,"endTime":424.02,"body":"He said, no, and I tried again."},{"startTime":425.265,"endTime":427.005,"body":"Your body is having big feelings."},{"startTime":427.155,"endTime":428.715,"body":"Let's calm your nervous system."},{"startTime":429.525,"endTime":430.395,"body":"He got louder."},{"startTime":430.965,"endTime":431.715,"body":"One more time."},{"startTime":432.855,"endTime":433.635,"body":"You're safe."},{"startTime":433.875,"endTime":434.685,"body":"You're okay."},{"startTime":434.925,"endTime":435.675,"body":"Just breathe."},{"startTime":436.695,"endTime":437.475,"body":"And then it hit me."},{"startTime":438.375,"endTime":440.085,"body":"I wasn't really trying to help him."},{"startTime":440.745,"endTime":442.275,"body":"I was trying to make him stop."},{"startTime":443.025,"endTime":448.665,"body":"I wasn't curious about what was underneath"},{"startTime":443.025,"endTime":448.665,"body":"the no and the resistance and the"},{"startTime":448.665,"endTime":452.895,"body":"drink of water, and the one more hug."},{"startTime":453.36,"endTime":454.47,"body":"I wasn't attuned."},{"startTime":455.28,"endTime":456.6,"body":"I wasn't actually present."},{"startTime":457.86,"endTime":459.03,"body":"I was managing."},{"startTime":459.3,"endTime":462.81,"body":"I was trying to rush through everything."},{"startTime":463.41,"endTime":469.5,"body":"I was using the language of regulator as"},{"startTime":463.41,"endTime":469.5,"body":"a behavior control tool, and underneath"},{"startTime":469.5,"endTime":476.61,"body":"my calm, sweet, sugary voice was tension,"},{"startTime":469.5,"endTime":476.61,"body":"urgency, and this silent message."},{"startTime":477.09,"endTime":478.89,"body":"I need you to be easier right now."},{"startTime":479.97,"endTime":481.17,"body":"Again, hard to talk about."},{"startTime":482.235,"endTime":483.705,"body":"The truth is kids feel that."},{"startTime":484.275,"endTime":490.515,"body":"Malcolm felt that and he escalated even"},{"startTime":484.275,"endTime":490.515,"body":"more, and I finally stopped talking."},{"startTime":491.385,"endTime":495.135,"body":"I sat on the floor in his"},{"startTime":491.385,"endTime":495.135,"body":"room and I just exhaled."},{"startTime":496.185,"endTime":500.085,"body":"And for the first time that night,"},{"startTime":496.185,"endTime":500.085,"body":"maybe the first time ever, I asked"},{"startTime":500.085,"endTime":502.845,"body":"myself, what is actually happening here?"},{"startTime":503.835,"endTime":506.625,"body":"He wasn't dysregulated because"},{"startTime":503.835,"endTime":506.625,"body":"he didn't know how to breathe."},{"startTime":507.195,"endTime":510.105,"body":"He was dysregulated because"},{"startTime":507.195,"endTime":510.105,"body":"bedtime meant separation."},{"startTime":511.065,"endTime":513.434,"body":"It meant the end of"},{"startTime":511.065,"endTime":513.434,"body":"connection for the day."},{"startTime":514.245,"endTime":517.605,"body":"And I was dysregulated"},{"startTime":514.245,"endTime":517.605,"body":"because I felt trapped."},{"startTime":517.995,"endTime":520.304,"body":"I needed space, I needed quiet."},{"startTime":520.605,"endTime":523.304,"body":"I was ready for the night to be done."},{"startTime":524.145,"endTime":527.505,"body":"Two nervous systems, both"},{"startTime":524.145,"endTime":527.505,"body":"overwhelmed, both trying to"},{"startTime":527.505,"endTime":529.515,"body":"control the other to feel better."},{"startTime":529.995,"endTime":535.965,"body":"Yeah, so instead of another breathing"},{"startTime":529.995,"endTime":535.965,"body":"script, I said, I imagine that"},{"startTime":536.295,"endTime":539.625,"body":"there's a part of you that really"},{"startTime":536.295,"endTime":539.625,"body":"doesn't want this day to end."},{"startTime":540.585,"endTime":542.925,"body":"You really don't wanna go to sleep."},{"startTime":543.825,"endTime":548.025,"body":"And there's a part of me, Malcolm"},{"startTime":543.825,"endTime":548.025,"body":"that's really tired, and I'm just gonna"},{"startTime":548.025,"endTime":551.355,"body":"sit here with you for a minute now."},{"startTime":551.565,"endTime":556.365,"body":"He didn't magically jump in bed and"},{"startTime":551.565,"endTime":556.365,"body":"go to sleep, but he did soften and so"},{"startTime":556.365,"endTime":560.655,"body":"did I, and that was the moment that"},{"startTime":556.365,"endTime":560.655,"body":"I truly understand the difference."},{"startTime":561.285,"endTime":565.365,"body":"If I use regulation to control"},{"startTime":561.285,"endTime":565.365,"body":"behavior, my kid feels managed."},{"startTime":566.115,"endTime":569.565,"body":"If I use regulation to"},{"startTime":566.115,"endTime":569.565,"body":"connect, my kid feels safe."},{"startTime":570.825,"endTime":575.595,"body":"Safety, not compliance is what"},{"startTime":570.825,"endTime":575.595,"body":"actually changes behavior over time."},{"startTime":576.495,"endTime":576.795,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":576.795,"endTime":577.755,"body":"Myth number two."},{"startTime":578.385,"endTime":583.005,"body":"This one is sneaky because it sounds"},{"startTime":578.385,"endTime":583.005,"body":"so much like the right thing to do."},{"startTime":583.665,"endTime":584.535,"body":"Let's regulate."},{"startTime":584.835,"endTime":586.095,"body":"Let's take deep breaths."},{"startTime":586.455,"endTime":587.685,"body":"Let's use our tools."},{"startTime":588.585,"endTime":589.755,"body":"These aren't bad phrases."},{"startTime":589.815,"endTime":594.045,"body":"I use them myself, but the way most"},{"startTime":589.815,"endTime":594.045,"body":"of us say them in the heat of the"},{"startTime":594.13,"endTime":596.09,"body":"moment when our kid is activated."},{"startTime":596.714,"endTime":598.485,"body":"Storming dysregulated."},{"startTime":598.814,"endTime":603.974,"body":"When we're activated storming and"},{"startTime":598.814,"endTime":603.974,"body":"dysregulated, what happens is these"},{"startTime":603.974,"endTime":608.625,"body":"statements land as commands, and"},{"startTime":603.974,"endTime":608.625,"body":"what we're really communicating"},{"startTime":608.895,"endTime":615.224,"body":"underneath is your feelings, kid, your"},{"startTime":608.895,"endTime":615.224,"body":"feelings are making me uncomfortable,"},{"startTime":615.224,"endTime":617.055,"body":"so please stop having them."},{"startTime":618.194,"endTime":620.415,"body":"And here's the light bulb moment."},{"startTime":620.775,"endTime":622.995,"body":"Kids feel that, I promise you."},{"startTime":622.995,"endTime":623.775,"body":"They feel that."},{"startTime":624.615,"endTime":625.785,"body":"And what they hear is."},{"startTime":626.73,"endTime":630.66,"body":"That my big feelings as the kid,"},{"startTime":626.73,"endTime":630.66,"body":"my big feelings are a problem."},{"startTime":631.319,"endTime":636.15,"body":"My intensity is too much and"},{"startTime":631.319,"endTime":636.15,"body":"I need to be different so that"},{"startTime":636.15,"endTime":637.86,"body":"you, the parent, can handle me."},{"startTime":639.03,"endTime":641.73,"body":"Here's what I want us to"},{"startTime":639.03,"endTime":641.73,"body":"really hear as the parent."},{"startTime":642.72,"endTime":647.67,"body":"Emotional regulation is not about"},{"startTime":642.72,"endTime":647.67,"body":"shutting our kids' emotion down."},{"startTime":648.66,"endTime":652.62,"body":"It's about helping our kids move"},{"startTime":648.66,"endTime":652.62,"body":"through the emotion without shame."},{"startTime":653.64,"endTime":655.89,"body":"Anger itself is not dysregulation."},{"startTime":656.895,"endTime":661.215,"body":"I need to say that again because"},{"startTime":656.895,"endTime":661.215,"body":"it might blow your mind a little."},{"startTime":661.425,"endTime":662.505,"body":"Anger is energy."},{"startTime":662.775,"endTime":663.975,"body":"Anger is a signal."},{"startTime":664.845,"endTime":669.075,"body":"Anger is sometimes a very healthy"},{"startTime":664.845,"endTime":669.075,"body":"boundary being communicated."},{"startTime":670.305,"endTime":674.355,"body":"A kid who says, I'm so mad right"},{"startTime":670.305,"endTime":674.355,"body":"now, and stays connected to"},{"startTime":674.355,"endTime":680.265,"body":"themselves while feeling it, that's"},{"startTime":674.355,"endTime":680.265,"body":"actually working towards regulation."},{"startTime":681.105,"endTime":682.875,"body":"We don't want emotionless kids."},{"startTime":683.819,"endTime":688.29,"body":"We want kids who can feel their big"},{"startTime":683.819,"endTime":688.29,"body":"feelings without being hijacked by them."},{"startTime":689.22,"endTime":695.939,"body":"So forcing calm, sending them to a room to"},{"startTime":689.22,"endTime":695.939,"body":"reset, telling them to breathe when their"},{"startTime":695.939,"endTime":700.53,"body":"nervous system is flooded, threatening"},{"startTime":695.939,"endTime":700.53,"body":"consequences if they don't settle down."},{"startTime":700.8,"endTime":705.27,"body":"That is not co-regulation, that"},{"startTime":700.8,"endTime":705.27,"body":"is compliance and training, and"},{"startTime":705.27,"endTime":708.18,"body":"there is a profound difference."},{"startTime":708.959,"endTime":711.0,"body":"Real co-regulation sounds like."},{"startTime":711.3,"endTime":711.959,"body":"I see you."},{"startTime":713.025,"endTime":713.925,"body":"I'm here."},{"startTime":714.795,"endTime":719.235,"body":"Your feelings don't scare"},{"startTime":714.795,"endTime":719.235,"body":"me and I will stay with you."},{"startTime":719.925,"endTime":722.475,"body":"It is nervous system to nervous system."},{"startTime":723.105,"endTime":726.675,"body":"It's your presence saying"},{"startTime":723.105,"endTime":726.675,"body":"to your kid, you are safe."},{"startTime":727.005,"endTime":733.064,"body":"Even in the middle of this, even in the"},{"startTime":727.005,"endTime":733.064,"body":"middle of this, here's the real question."},{"startTime":733.574,"endTime":738.704,"body":"When your kid is in the middle of a"},{"startTime":733.574,"endTime":738.704,"body":"big feeling, can you stay with them?"},{"startTime":739.964,"endTime":742.214,"body":"Or are you waiting for them to stop?"},{"startTime":743.175,"endTime":746.175,"body":"Yeah, that'll tell you"},{"startTime":743.175,"endTime":746.175,"body":"all you need to know."},{"startTime":747.314,"endTime":749.295,"body":"Alright, myth number three."},{"startTime":749.685,"endTime":754.275,"body":"This one I hear from parents all the"},{"startTime":749.685,"endTime":754.275,"body":"time, especially parents who are new"},{"startTime":754.275,"endTime":759.525,"body":"to peaceful parenting or who think"},{"startTime":754.275,"endTime":759.525,"body":"peaceful parenting means kids get to do"},{"startTime":759.525,"endTime":761.625,"body":"whatever they want with no consequences."},{"startTime":762.449,"endTime":767.099,"body":"And sometimes we hear emotional"},{"startTime":762.449,"endTime":767.099,"body":"regulation, and we think"},{"startTime":767.099,"endTime":768.719,"body":"it means no consequences."},{"startTime":768.99,"endTime":769.8,"body":"No limits."},{"startTime":770.04,"endTime":774.0,"body":"You just validate everything and"},{"startTime":770.04,"endTime":774.0,"body":"let your kid do whatever they want,"},{"startTime":774.75,"endTime":778.14,"body":"and then something happens, right?"},{"startTime":778.439,"endTime":782.745,"body":"Your kid hits or lies or"},{"startTime":778.439,"endTime":782.745,"body":"completely disregards a"},{"startTime":783.025,"endTime":785.55,"body":"boundary, and you feel paralyzed."},{"startTime":786.675,"endTime":791.745,"body":"Because you think if I respond with a"},{"startTime":786.675,"endTime":791.745,"body":"consequence, I'm not being peaceful."},{"startTime":791.925,"endTime":794.204,"body":"I'm failing at this friends."},{"startTime":794.295,"endTime":795.675,"body":"This is not what this is."},{"startTime":796.395,"endTime":801.435,"body":"Emotional regulation is not"},{"startTime":796.395,"endTime":801.435,"body":"absence of limits or consequences."},{"startTime":801.704,"endTime":806.505,"body":"A regulated parent, a parent who is"},{"startTime":801.704,"endTime":806.505,"body":"calm, connected, and grounded can"},{"startTime":806.849,"endTime":809.295,"body":"absolutely say, I will not let you hit me."},{"startTime":810.074,"endTime":811.665,"body":"I will not let you hit your sister."},{"startTime":812.385,"endTime":814.094,"body":"This behavior has a consequence."},{"startTime":814.395,"endTime":819.345,"body":"We can talk about this when we're both"},{"startTime":814.395,"endTime":819.345,"body":"calm and figure out what to do next."},{"startTime":819.585,"endTime":821.775,"body":"But what happened today is not okay."},{"startTime":822.855,"endTime":825.345,"body":"The difference is not whether"},{"startTime":822.855,"endTime":825.345,"body":"there's a consequence."},{"startTime":825.645,"endTime":830.925,"body":"The difference is the energy you bring to"},{"startTime":825.645,"endTime":830.925,"body":"the conversation about the consequence."},{"startTime":831.885,"endTime":835.065,"body":"Consequences delivered"},{"startTime":831.885,"endTime":835.065,"body":"from a dysregulated parent."},{"startTime":835.335,"endTime":840.945,"body":"Dare I say, punishments are delivered"},{"startTime":835.335,"endTime":840.945,"body":"when one is yelling, threatening,"},{"startTime":840.975,"endTime":842.955,"body":"shaming that teaches fear."},{"startTime":843.405,"endTime":847.395,"body":"It activates the child's survival"},{"startTime":843.405,"endTime":847.395,"body":"brain and shuts down the very"},{"startTime":847.395,"endTime":851.354,"body":"learning centers that we need our"},{"startTime":847.395,"endTime":851.354,"body":"kids to access in order to learn."},{"startTime":852.194,"endTime":856.305,"body":"But a consequence delivered from a"},{"startTime":852.194,"endTime":856.305,"body":"calm, regulated parent, one who's"},{"startTime":856.305,"endTime":861.944,"body":"steady, clear, and connected that"},{"startTime":856.305,"endTime":861.944,"body":"teaches that lands, that actually has a"},{"startTime":861.944,"endTime":864.584,"body":"chance of changing behavior over time."},{"startTime":865.275,"endTime":867.735,"body":"So no emotional regulation does not mean."},{"startTime":869.175,"endTime":870.585,"body":"There are no consequences."},{"startTime":871.005,"endTime":876.705,"body":"It means the way you hold, present"},{"startTime":871.005,"endTime":876.705,"body":"and enforce the consequence matters"},{"startTime":876.705,"endTime":878.625,"body":"as much as the consequence itself."},{"startTime":879.315,"endTime":881.625,"body":"Your kid doesn't have to like your limits."},{"startTime":881.685,"endTime":886.125,"body":"They really don't, but they need to"},{"startTime":881.685,"endTime":886.125,"body":"feel your steadiness when you are"},{"startTime":886.305,"endTime":889.275,"body":"presenting and enforcing and holding them."},{"startTime":889.935,"endTime":891.195,"body":"Calm is not permissive."},{"startTime":891.555,"endTime":895.93,"body":"Steady is not soft, and regulation"},{"startTime":891.555,"endTime":895.93,"body":"is not the same as surrender."},{"startTime":897.12,"endTime":898.47,"body":"I wanna tell you about the mom."},{"startTime":899.01,"endTime":900.18,"body":"A mom inside the hive."},{"startTime":900.569,"endTime":901.68,"body":"I'm gonna call her Marissa."},{"startTime":902.579,"endTime":908.339,"body":"She came into the hive with tears in her"},{"startTime":902.579,"endTime":908.339,"body":"eyes, and one sentence she kept repeating."},{"startTime":909.27,"endTime":912.72,"body":"She kept saying to me, I thought"},{"startTime":909.27,"endTime":912.72,"body":"peaceful parenting meant I"},{"startTime":912.72,"endTime":914.67,"body":"didn't have to give consequences."},{"startTime":915.329,"endTime":917.28,"body":"Her daughter, Lila, is 12."},{"startTime":918.03,"endTime":919.92,"body":"Middle school, had changed everything."},{"startTime":920.4,"endTime":922.35,"body":"If you've been there, you've been there."},{"startTime":922.35,"endTime":923.055,"body":"If you know, you know."},{"startTime":923.715,"endTime":928.605,"body":"Right attitude, sharp sarcasm,"},{"startTime":923.715,"endTime":928.605,"body":"eye rolls, that feel like daggers."},{"startTime":928.965,"endTime":935.145,"body":"Homework avoidance, slam doors,"},{"startTime":928.965,"endTime":935.145,"body":"wanting endless time on social"},{"startTime":935.145,"endTime":939.495,"body":"media, though you don't get, it,"},{"startTime":935.145,"endTime":939.495,"body":"had become the family anthem."},{"startTime":940.185,"endTime":944.325,"body":"Now, Marissa had worked really hard"},{"startTime":940.185,"endTime":944.325,"body":"not to parent the way she was raised."},{"startTime":945.105,"endTime":947.625,"body":"She was raised with yelling,"},{"startTime":945.105,"endTime":947.625,"body":"shaming, and threats."},{"startTime":948.585,"endTime":952.64,"body":"So when Lila began to push back"},{"startTime":948.585,"endTime":952.64,"body":"for the first time in junior high."},{"startTime":953.625,"endTime":959.565,"body":"Marissa defaulted to explaining, trying"},{"startTime":953.625,"endTime":959.565,"body":"to reason, trying to get her daughter"},{"startTime":959.835,"endTime":967.245,"body":"to understand, agree, and follow the"},{"startTime":959.835,"endTime":967.245,"body":"rules while she sweetly explained them."},{"startTime":967.965,"endTime":972.735,"body":"What Marissa wasn't able to do was"},{"startTime":967.965,"endTime":972.735,"body":"hold the line if Lila refused homework."},{"startTime":973.215,"endTime":977.205,"body":"Marissa negotiated if"},{"startTime":973.215,"endTime":977.205,"body":"she was disrespectful."},{"startTime":977.745,"endTime":981.075,"body":"Marissa tried to unpack"},{"startTime":977.745,"endTime":981.075,"body":"the feelings underneath."},{"startTime":982.26,"endTime":987.449,"body":"If screen time went over Marissa's"},{"startTime":982.26,"endTime":987.449,"body":"side and let it slide because she"},{"startTime":987.449,"endTime":992.699,"body":"feared creating a disconnection and"},{"startTime":987.449,"endTime":992.699,"body":"quietly on Marissa's part, resentment"},{"startTime":992.699,"endTime":996.63,"body":"started building, not because she"},{"startTime":992.699,"endTime":996.63,"body":"didn't love her daughter, but because"},{"startTime":996.63,"endTime":998.609,"body":"she felt powerless in her own home."},{"startTime":999.689,"endTime":1003.77,"body":"What she was too ashamed to say"},{"startTime":999.689,"endTime":1003.77,"body":"out loud at first was, I feel"},{"startTime":1003.77,"endTime":1005.18,"body":"like my daughter runs the house."},{"startTime":1006.47,"endTime":1008.36,"body":"Underneath was something even more tender."},{"startTime":1008.72,"endTime":1011.3,"body":"I'm scared she won't like me if I'm firm."},{"startTime":1012.14,"endTime":1013.28,"body":"That was the real thing."},{"startTime":1014.0,"endTime":1018.26,"body":"She had tangled consequences"},{"startTime":1014.0,"endTime":1018.26,"body":"with rejection and firmness"},{"startTime":1018.47,"endTime":1019.55,"body":"with emotional harm."},{"startTime":1020.72,"endTime":1022.67,"body":"Here's what Marissa started to notice."},{"startTime":1023.6,"endTime":1024.77,"body":"Lila wasn't calmer."},{"startTime":1024.775,"endTime":1030.65,"body":"She was more reactive, more argumentative,"},{"startTime":1024.775,"endTime":1030.65,"body":"more anxious, because as a 12-year-old"},{"startTime":1030.71,"endTime":1033.44,"body":"kid without predictable structure."},{"startTime":1033.919,"endTime":1039.859,"body":"All that middle school intensity had"},{"startTime":1033.919,"endTime":1039.859,"body":"no container, and it was making Lila"},{"startTime":1039.919,"endTime":1044.569,"body":"more defiant and more anxious, which"},{"startTime":1039.919,"endTime":1044.569,"body":"was making Marissa more anxious."},{"startTime":1045.409,"endTime":1050.99,"body":"So inside the hive, we separated something"},{"startTime":1045.409,"endTime":1050.99,"body":"that had gotten twisted in Marissa's mind."},{"startTime":1051.8,"endTime":1053.48,"body":"Calm does not equal permissive."},{"startTime":1054.47,"endTime":1055.73,"body":"Consequences are not."},{"startTime":1055.73,"endTime":1060.439,"body":"Punishment and predictable"},{"startTime":1055.73,"endTime":1060.439,"body":"structure actually creates safety."},{"startTime":1061.505,"endTime":1063.995,"body":"The shift began to happen over phones."},{"startTime":1064.865,"endTime":1068.165,"body":"Lila had been staying up past"},{"startTime":1064.865,"endTime":1068.165,"body":"midnight, scrolling every night."},{"startTime":1068.975,"endTime":1073.835,"body":"Mornings were miserable, and instead"},{"startTime":1068.975,"endTime":1073.835,"body":"of a long conversation where Marissa"},{"startTime":1073.835,"endTime":1079.235,"body":"was trying to gain Lila's approval,"},{"startTime":1073.835,"endTime":1079.235,"body":"get her to understand and agree."},{"startTime":1079.865,"endTime":1083.255,"body":"Marissa simply said, if the phone"},{"startTime":1079.865,"endTime":1083.255,"body":"isn't plugged in in the kitchen by nine"},{"startTime":1083.255,"endTime":1086.015,"body":"30, it won't be available tomorrow."},{"startTime":1086.795,"endTime":1087.425,"body":"That was it."},{"startTime":1087.815,"endTime":1089.975,"body":"No lecture, no Ted talk."},{"startTime":1090.514,"endTime":1091.115,"body":"That was it."},{"startTime":1091.955,"endTime":1096.545,"body":"No gaining Lila's approval"},{"startTime":1091.955,"endTime":1096.545,"body":"of the consequence."},{"startTime":1096.725,"endTime":1101.075,"body":"Now, Lila, she tested as"},{"startTime":1096.725,"endTime":1101.075,"body":"they do strong-willed kids."},{"startTime":1101.225,"endTime":1102.395,"body":"She pushed back hard."},{"startTime":1102.695,"endTime":1104.945,"body":"She accused her mom of being controlling."},{"startTime":1105.245,"endTime":1107.315,"body":"She said some really ugly things."},{"startTime":1107.675,"endTime":1111.575,"body":"She stormed off and slammed the"},{"startTime":1107.675,"endTime":1111.575,"body":"door, stayed in a room for an hour."},{"startTime":1112.235,"endTime":1115.655,"body":"Marissa told me while this was"},{"startTime":1112.235,"endTime":1115.655,"body":"happening, Lisa, my body was shaking."},{"startTime":1116.27,"endTime":1118.4,"body":"Every old fear was screaming at me."},{"startTime":1118.61,"endTime":1121.49,"body":"She's going to hate you, and"},{"startTime":1118.61,"endTime":1121.49,"body":"you're just like your parents."},{"startTime":1122.27,"endTime":1125.96,"body":"But with support and guidance"},{"startTime":1122.27,"endTime":1125.96,"body":"and coaching, Marissa followed"},{"startTime":1125.96,"endTime":1134.24,"body":"through day in and day out, steady,"},{"startTime":1125.96,"endTime":1134.24,"body":"calm, regulated, offering Lila"},{"startTime":1134.24,"endTime":1140.93,"body":"co-regulation, and over the next two"},{"startTime":1134.24,"endTime":1140.93,"body":"weeks, things began to quietly shift."},{"startTime":1141.83,"endTime":1143.0,"body":"The arguments got shorter."},{"startTime":1143.629,"endTime":1145.699,"body":"The sarcasm softened."},{"startTime":1146.659,"endTime":1151.85,"body":"The phone started showing up in the"},{"startTime":1146.659,"endTime":1151.85,"body":"kitchen at nine 30 every night, first"},{"startTime":1151.85,"endTime":1158.03,"body":"couple nights at Mom's reminders,"},{"startTime":1151.85,"endTime":1158.03,"body":"and then slowly over time, Lila began"},{"startTime":1158.09,"endTime":1159.77,"body":"putting the phone away on her own."},{"startTime":1160.61,"endTime":1163.58,"body":"Now, this all happened, not"},{"startTime":1160.61,"endTime":1163.58,"body":"because Lila liked the role."},{"startTime":1163.76,"endTime":1167.09,"body":"She was still mad as heck that she"},{"startTime":1163.76,"endTime":1167.09,"body":"had to put her phone away at nine"},{"startTime":1167.09,"endTime":1171.74,"body":"30, but the shift started happening"},{"startTime":1167.09,"endTime":1171.74,"body":"because the boundaries stopped moving."},{"startTime":1172.61,"endTime":1176.09,"body":"Here's the part that surprised"},{"startTime":1172.61,"endTime":1176.09,"body":"Marissa most through all this."},{"startTime":1176.09,"endTime":1182.06,"body":"Lila started coming to her more because"},{"startTime":1176.09,"endTime":1182.06,"body":"firm didn't equal mean it equaled safe."},{"startTime":1182.899,"endTime":1185.51,"body":"12 year olds don't need"},{"startTime":1182.899,"endTime":1185.51,"body":"softer, permissive parents."},{"startTime":1185.78,"endTime":1187.01,"body":"They need grounded ones."},{"startTime":1187.939,"endTime":1190.939,"body":"So let me remind you, peaceful"},{"startTime":1187.939,"endTime":1190.939,"body":"parenting didn't mean removing"},{"startTime":1190.939,"endTime":1192.8,"body":"consequences or avoiding them."},{"startTime":1193.159,"endTime":1194.929,"body":"It meant removing shame."},{"startTime":1195.365,"endTime":1199.07,"body":"And when Marissa was able to"},{"startTime":1195.365,"endTime":1199.07,"body":"show up as the calm authority"},{"startTime":1199.34,"endTime":1200.81,"body":"instead of the anxious parent."},{"startTime":1201.229,"endTime":1203.33,"body":"Her daughter relaxed and felt safe."},{"startTime":1204.08,"endTime":1206.03,"body":"That's the part many people miss."},{"startTime":1206.51,"endTime":1211.61,"body":"Structure, not punishments and"},{"startTime":1206.51,"endTime":1211.61,"body":"threats, but structure, calm."},{"startTime":1211.61,"endTime":1217.729,"body":"Structure is regulating, and here we"},{"startTime":1211.61,"endTime":1217.729,"body":"are at myth number four, the one that"},{"startTime":1218.0,"endTime":1223.55,"body":"is probably the most common thing that"},{"startTime":1218.0,"endTime":1223.55,"body":"parents do, and the one that flat out does"},{"startTime":1223.55,"endTime":1228.29,"body":"not work ever, not once, 0.0% of the time."},{"startTime":1228.695,"endTime":1229.415,"body":"What is it?"},{"startTime":1229.775,"endTime":1232.265,"body":"It's telling another"},{"startTime":1229.775,"endTime":1232.265,"body":"human being to calm down."},{"startTime":1232.985,"endTime":1237.185,"body":"I want you to think about the last"},{"startTime":1232.985,"endTime":1237.185,"body":"time someone told you to calm down"},{"startTime":1237.365,"endTime":1242.885,"body":"when you were really upset or even"},{"startTime":1237.365,"endTime":1242.885,"body":"moderately upset, how'd it go?"},{"startTime":1243.425,"endTime":1244.115,"body":"Did it work?"},{"startTime":1244.955,"endTime":1249.935,"body":"Did you instantly feel soothed and"},{"startTime":1244.955,"endTime":1249.935,"body":"rational, or did you feel even more"},{"startTime":1249.935,"endTime":1255.755,"body":"upset, more frustrated, more dismissed,"},{"startTime":1249.935,"endTime":1255.755,"body":"and more dysregulated, right?"},{"startTime":1256.475,"endTime":1256.625,"body":"Because."},{"startTime":1257.645,"endTime":1262.115,"body":"You cannot command a nervous"},{"startTime":1257.645,"endTime":1262.115,"body":"system into deregulation."},{"startTime":1262.535,"endTime":1263.315,"body":"You just can't."},{"startTime":1264.065,"endTime":1268.235,"body":"When a kid or an adult is flooded"},{"startTime":1264.065,"endTime":1268.235,"body":"with the motion, the thinking"},{"startTime":1268.235,"endTime":1272.225,"body":"brain, the the prefrontal cortex,"},{"startTime":1268.235,"endTime":1272.225,"body":"the higher brain is offline."},{"startTime":1272.855,"endTime":1274.235,"body":"We talked about this last week."},{"startTime":1274.835,"endTime":1279.725,"body":"The higher brain, the part that can"},{"startTime":1274.835,"endTime":1279.725,"body":"hear the words and process them and make"},{"startTime":1279.725,"endTime":1282.335,"body":"a different choice is not available."},{"startTime":1282.545,"endTime":1285.905,"body":"When we're dysregulated, it"},{"startTime":1282.545,"endTime":1285.905,"body":"literally cannot receive the"},{"startTime":1285.905,"endTime":1288.095,"body":"instruction to calm down."},{"startTime":1288.785,"endTime":1293.225,"body":"So when we say it, and I know we"},{"startTime":1288.785,"endTime":1293.225,"body":"all say it, I've said it too in the"},{"startTime":1293.225,"endTime":1298.295,"body":"past, we're essentially asking them"},{"startTime":1293.225,"endTime":1298.295,"body":"to do something that their brain is"},{"startTime":1298.295,"endTime":1303.965,"body":"physiologically incapable of doing in that"},{"startTime":1298.295,"endTime":1303.965,"body":"moment, and then when they can't do it."},{"startTime":1304.58,"endTime":1307.34,"body":"We think they're being"},{"startTime":1304.58,"endTime":1307.34,"body":"defiant, but they're not."},{"startTime":1307.73,"endTime":1309.08,"body":"They're just dysregulated."},{"startTime":1309.53,"endTime":1313.879,"body":"Their nervous system is in alarm"},{"startTime":1309.53,"endTime":1313.879,"body":"mode, and alarm mode doesn't"},{"startTime":1313.879,"endTime":1315.919,"body":"respond to verbal commands."},{"startTime":1316.79,"endTime":1317.6,"body":"What does work?"},{"startTime":1318.26,"endTime":1318.95,"body":"Presence."},{"startTime":1319.159,"endTime":1319.939,"body":"Proximity."},{"startTime":1320.689,"endTime":1323.6,"body":"A lowered voice getting"},{"startTime":1320.689,"endTime":1323.6,"body":"down on their level."},{"startTime":1324.35,"endTime":1328.939,"body":"Breathing slowly yourself,"},{"startTime":1324.35,"endTime":1328.939,"body":"because remember, their nervous"},{"startTime":1328.939,"endTime":1331.01,"body":"system sinks with yours."},{"startTime":1331.895,"endTime":1339.035,"body":"You become the regulation, you become"},{"startTime":1331.895,"endTime":1339.035,"body":"the calm down, not your words, but you."},{"startTime":1339.935,"endTime":1343.925,"body":"And here's the piece that I think is so"},{"startTime":1339.935,"endTime":1343.925,"body":"important and doesn't get said enough."},{"startTime":1344.825,"endTime":1349.115,"body":"You, the parent cannot just"},{"startTime":1344.825,"endTime":1349.115,"body":"do this in a moment of crisis"},{"startTime":1349.655,"endTime":1351.245,"body":"if you're not practicing it."},{"startTime":1351.545,"endTime":1356.735,"body":"In moments of calm regulation"},{"startTime":1351.545,"endTime":1356.735,"body":"is built slowly over hundreds"},{"startTime":1356.735,"endTime":1358.805,"body":"and hundreds of small moments."},{"startTime":1359.689,"endTime":1363.23,"body":"The times that you name their feelings,"},{"startTime":1359.689,"endTime":1363.23,"body":"when nothing big is happening."},{"startTime":1364.1,"endTime":1370.25,"body":"The times you stayed curious instead of"},{"startTime":1364.1,"endTime":1370.25,"body":"reactive over something small, the times"},{"startTime":1370.25,"endTime":1377.48,"body":"you repaired after you lost it, that's"},{"startTime":1370.25,"endTime":1377.48,"body":"the investment and it pays off hundreds"},{"startTime":1377.48,"endTime":1380.6,"body":"of small moments back to back to back."},{"startTime":1381.59,"endTime":1386.48,"body":"Maybe not today, maybe not this week,"},{"startTime":1381.59,"endTime":1386.48,"body":"but one day you're gonna see your kid"},{"startTime":1386.48,"endTime":1388.04,"body":"pause in the middle, something hard."},{"startTime":1388.88,"endTime":1392.72,"body":"Take a breath and find their"},{"startTime":1388.88,"endTime":1392.72,"body":"words instead of exploding."},{"startTime":1393.83,"endTime":1394.82,"body":"And you will know."},{"startTime":1395.72,"endTime":1401.36,"body":"You will know that that came from every"},{"startTime":1395.72,"endTime":1401.36,"body":"moment you chose to be their calm."},{"startTime":1402.26,"endTime":1405.29,"body":"Telling kids to calm down"},{"startTime":1402.26,"endTime":1405.29,"body":"doesn't build regulation."},{"startTime":1406.46,"endTime":1408.41,"body":"Being calm builds regulation."},{"startTime":1409.52,"endTime":1411.17,"body":"There is a world of difference."},{"startTime":1412.1,"endTime":1415.34,"body":"Okay, I wanna ask you something"},{"startTime":1412.1,"endTime":1415.34,"body":"before we wrap up, and I really"},{"startTime":1415.34,"endTime":1416.28,"body":"want you to sit with this one."},{"startTime":1417.365,"endTime":1422.945,"body":"Of all the four myths that we talked"},{"startTime":1417.365,"endTime":1422.945,"body":"about today, emotional regulation as"},{"startTime":1422.945,"endTime":1426.245,"body":"behavior control, forcing calm thinking."},{"startTime":1426.245,"endTime":1429.845,"body":"It means no consequences"},{"startTime":1426.245,"endTime":1429.845,"body":"and defaulting to calm down."},{"startTime":1430.505,"endTime":1433.175,"body":"Which one do you recognize"},{"startTime":1430.505,"endTime":1433.175,"body":"most in yourself?"},{"startTime":1433.805,"endTime":1437.585,"body":"Now, I ask this not to judge"},{"startTime":1433.805,"endTime":1437.585,"body":"yourself, not to spiral into guilt,"},{"startTime":1438.155,"endTime":1443.045,"body":"but to just notice because the one"},{"startTime":1438.155,"endTime":1443.045,"body":"you recognize is probably the one"},{"startTime":1443.045,"endTime":1445.325,"body":"keeping you the most stuck right now."},{"startTime":1446.225,"endTime":1447.155,"body":"Noticing it."},{"startTime":1447.425,"endTime":1451.925,"body":"Just naming it honestly is the"},{"startTime":1447.425,"endTime":1451.925,"body":"first step to doing it differently."},{"startTime":1452.825,"endTime":1457.565,"body":"Awareness is always, always,"},{"startTime":1452.825,"endTime":1457.565,"body":"always the beginning of change."},{"startTime":1458.645,"endTime":1459.065,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1459.995,"endTime":1465.185,"body":"Here's the deeper truth underneath all of"},{"startTime":1459.995,"endTime":1465.185,"body":"what I've shared with you today, and it's"},{"startTime":1465.185,"endTime":1467.645,"body":"the thing I really want you to take away."},{"startTime":1468.695,"endTime":1473.285,"body":"Emotional regulation is not"},{"startTime":1468.695,"endTime":1473.285,"body":"about fixing your kid, it's"},{"startTime":1473.285,"endTime":1474.845,"body":"about helping your kid or kids."},{"startTime":1475.235,"endTime":1479.855,"body":"Build an internal sense of safety"},{"startTime":1475.235,"endTime":1479.855,"body":"and that safety, it comes from you."},{"startTime":1480.845,"endTime":1484.415,"body":"If some of this felt hard to hear"},{"startTime":1480.845,"endTime":1484.415,"body":"today, if you recognize yourself"},{"startTime":1485.435,"endTime":1489.215,"body":"in one or more of these myths,"},{"startTime":1485.435,"endTime":1489.215,"body":"please be gentle with yourself."},{"startTime":1490.024,"endTime":1492.514,"body":"You're probably doing"},{"startTime":1490.024,"endTime":1492.514,"body":"what you were taught."},{"startTime":1493.565,"endTime":1497.405,"body":"You're doing what feels natural"},{"startTime":1493.565,"endTime":1497.405,"body":"because of how you were raised."},{"startTime":1497.915,"endTime":1501.185,"body":"A lot of us grew up in homes where"},{"startTime":1497.915,"endTime":1501.185,"body":"big feelings were not welcomed,"},{"startTime":1501.845,"endTime":1503.21,"body":"where calmed down actually meant."},{"startTime":1504.26,"endTime":1509.12,"body":"Stop bothering me or take your"},{"startTime":1504.26,"endTime":1509.12,"body":"feelings and hide them from me, where"},{"startTime":1509.149,"endTime":1512.81,"body":"there were plenty of consequences,"},{"startTime":1509.149,"endTime":1512.81,"body":"but very little connection."},{"startTime":1513.649,"endTime":1517.34,"body":"But here's the good news, that"},{"startTime":1513.649,"endTime":1517.34,"body":"is not a life sentence, and"},{"startTime":1517.34,"endTime":1518.54,"body":"today is a starting point."},{"startTime":1519.2,"endTime":1523.1,"body":"You are here, you are learning you"},{"startTime":1519.2,"endTime":1523.1,"body":"every time you catch one of these"},{"startTime":1523.1,"endTime":1528.05,"body":"myths playing out in real time, and"},{"startTime":1523.1,"endTime":1528.05,"body":"every time you intervene or stop or do"},{"startTime":1528.05,"endTime":1530.45,"body":"over or course correct, that's a win."},{"startTime":1531.2,"endTime":1535.49,"body":"That's a total win and that's"},{"startTime":1531.2,"endTime":1535.49,"body":"growth and that's you choosing"},{"startTime":1535.67,"endTime":1537.8,"body":"something different for your family."},{"startTime":1538.79,"endTime":1544.94,"body":"And I'm with you every single step of the"},{"startTime":1538.79,"endTime":1544.94,"body":"way, and I wanna end by telling you how"},{"startTime":1544.94,"endTime":1547.04,"body":"proud I am of you for doing this work."},{"startTime":1547.61,"endTime":1552.95,"body":"I am sincerely for of you, for showing"},{"startTime":1547.61,"endTime":1552.95,"body":"up, for listening, for applying the"},{"startTime":1552.95,"endTime":1558.2,"body":"tools, and for choosing something"},{"startTime":1552.95,"endTime":1558.2,"body":"different for you and your family."},{"startTime":1558.74,"endTime":1559.1,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1560.0,"endTime":1560.33,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1561.41,"endTime":1561.83,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1562.43,"endTime":1566.15,"body":"Until next time, I'm wishing"},{"startTime":1562.43,"endTime":1566.15,"body":"you Peaceful Parenting."},{"startTime":1568.76,"endTime":1570.89,"body":"Thanks for listening to Real"},{"startTime":1568.76,"endTime":1570.89,"body":"World Peaceful Parenting."},{"startTime":1571.37,"endTime":1574.07,"body":"If you want more info on how you"},{"startTime":1571.37,"endTime":1574.07,"body":"can transform your parenting,"},{"startTime":1574.37,"endTime":1576.02,"body":"visit the peaceful parent.com."},{"startTime":1576.26,"endTime":1576.86,"body":"See you soon."}]}