The Redeemed Backslider

Homeless to Ministry TRB #32 Kaylene Mendez

• Kathy Chastain • Season 1 • Episode 21

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A label can feel like a sentence—until it becomes a testimony. Kathy sits down with Kayleen Mendez for a candid, unflinching conversation about growing up tender-hearted in church, slipping into control and secrecy, and the abusive marriage that shattered safety and trust. When drinking in her thirties opened the door to meth and homelessness, life narrowed to survival—hotel lobbies, gang threats, a brutal assault, and the numbing calculus of where to lay a head at night. Then came a stark inner warning: leave now or die. Kayleen walked nine miles to her parents while high, praying with every step for a door to open.

What follows is a blueprint for restoration that doesn’t pretend the road is easy. Teen Challenge slowed her down long enough to name the core wound—unhealed trauma and a lifelong hunger to be accepted. Released early with nowhere to go, she chose faith on empty: a train station floor, a welfare office, and the audacity to pray out loud for strangers. Enter the Abbotts, mentors who mixed backbone with tenderness, moving her from shelter to safety and from shame to steady steps. We talk about boundaries, gossip in the church world, and why direct questions—Are you sleeping together?—can save a life when paired with real support.

Listen in, for the rest of the story.

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Kathy has two books out and they can be found on Amazon or Barnes & Noble online:

Redeem California, With God it IS Possible:

God of the Impossible: 30-Prayers for the Redemption and Restoration of California


SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Redeemed Backslider. With your host, Kathy Chastain, Christian-based psychotherapist, Redeemed Backslider. This podcast is dedicated to those who are wandered but are ready to return to the life-changing power of grace and freedom found in Jesus.

SPEAKER_01:

Hi, welcome to the Redeemed Backslider. I'm your host, Kathy Chastain. I'm a Christian-based psychotherapist and a redeemed backslider. With me today from New Mexico is Kayleen Mendez. She actually grew up in Goshen, California, which is just a hot skip and a jump from where I'm located. And um, so I'm so excited to hear her story today and um and for all of you to hear her story of how she backslid and came back to God. Um, but before I start, I just want to give a quick little plug. If you know of any backsliders, if you're someone that watches the podcast, if you can maybe just share it with them. Um, we're trying to reach as many people as we can that have not come back yet to their relationship with the Lord. And so we need your help in in spreading the word, if you don't mind. We'd be really happy for your help. So, with that, um, welcome to the podcast, Kayleen.

SPEAKER_00:

Hello, how are you?

SPEAKER_01:

I'm good. I'm so glad. I know it's a little time change for you there in New Mexico. You're in central, central time.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. So I'm about an hour ahead, just one hour.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, okay. And so how did you hear about the podcast?

SPEAKER_02:

So I actually um I found your podcast on Facebook, and of course, different um people that you have interviewed, uh, like Keith Battle, he comes from my mom's generation in Goshen. You said earlier that I was from Goshen. I'm actually from Bakersville, California. Oh, okay. So, but my mom growing up, she went to the Goshen Church from Goshen.

SPEAKER_01:

I knew there was a Goshen tie someplace because I know Keith Keith never went to Bakersfield. So I was curious. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02:

And then actually, my my older brother, he is his middle name is after Keith. So wow. Yeah. So there's that connection, and and I listen to it all the time, and it just like um it it gets my heart, it pulls me to a place where I just I get touched by it because there's so many people that uh their story doesn't get out there, and I feel like you're just doing a great job, you're doing what God has called you to do, and I just want to share that a little bit.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, thank you. Thank you. I, you know, I I think there are so many backsliders in every segment of society that we don't even know. I I know that as a therapist, I have people that come in my door, and I am always amazed at the the threat of Pentecost that they have within their story. And, you know, we just we just I at least I did. I think I grew up just feeling like we were just in our own little world, you know, and in Pentecost. And um, but man, the more I go out into the world, the more I see so many people have been touched somewhere along the line in an apostolic church. And um so I it's it's always very I don't know why it ever surprises me, but I am just amazed at the work God is doing and changing lives. And we have seen so many backsliders come home and not because of the podcast. I think the podcast allows us to know those stories, but in our own church, we are seeing kids my age that are coming back after so many years. God is really doing the work in the hearts of people overall, you know. We may we may never know about them, but I feel like there is a a call from heaven going out for the prodigals. Yes, absolutely. So this is I'm gonna ask you a question that I never really ask others. I might add it to my repertoire, but um how did you feel before I jump into your story? How did you feel about being labeled as a backslider? Like, what does that term mean to you?

SPEAKER_02:

To me, I think that word uh as a backslider, it just I mean it's some people can take it to heart to where, you know, like, oh, they they like never want to come into the church because they call me a backslider or embarrassed because you've slipped away from God. But backslider, what it meant to me was that I I was raised in this and then I lost my way somehow from Christ. But yeah, being labeled as a backslider, it is a little bit hurtful. Like I'm not gonna lie. Um, because you're being judged, and even in the church, people judge people. And you know, in our ministry here, I say our well, God's ministry, but the ministry here in New Mexico, I mean, you're kind of like in your own little island over here, right? Because the churches are not big like California. And but but what I've noticed is that people are gonna judge, people are gonna say things, but that's not what it's about. The main thing is about finding your relationship with God. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So hopefully that answers you, but yeah, but yeah, I don't know that it's used as much these days as it was in my generation growing up. I think um, you know, I went to Israel two years ago with Pastor Haney and Christian Life Center, and something that he said really blessed me. He said, Kathy, when we were kids, it was very harsh. And I think it was just that generation, there was there was a lot of harshness overall, and I don't I don't fault them anymore like I used to. I think everybody does the best they can with what they know. Um, and I I think that the term is not being used as much these days as it was back when I was a a kiddo, but it kind of stuck and and it is an identification of judgment. And so I was just curious. I've never really asked anyone else I've interviewed before about what they did they carry that label, and if so, how how did that make them feel? But yeah, you I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02:

I will say though, because as you were talking, I remember this as a little girl, but you know, backslider was something um sad, and everybody judged it because as a little girl, I remember like, oh, that's a backslider in the church. Look at they're look at that backslider, they haven't been in church in years, and so I feel that of course we have people have grown, even my own parents, okay, but they have grown and learned, like, oh man, we shouldn't have done that, you know. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Because even the culture has changed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

But now I'm proud that I was a backslider and proud of my story. And I, you know, like I have no problem. Yes, I was a backslider, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, because when God redeems it, it there's there's no longer shame attached to it. Yes, yes, and in the in the AA community, this is total sidebar. But um, in the AA community, there's a page in the big big book. I think it's page 169, and I don't know why I know that. Never been in the AA community, but I've been around it obviously with my career. Um but they they say in that community that once you get sobriety, um what used to shame you becomes your greatest, you know, testimony. And so, and it's the same with us, right? When God does redeem the story, like it's no longer a point of shame, it's a it's a point of victory. And and we can then have authority to help someone else in the area that we overcame. Right. Yeah, so good. Well, with that, that's a great segue into your story. So um, so you were born and raised in church?

SPEAKER_02:

I was, and as a young girl, um I was a very happy young girl. I loved God. Um, of course, I I don't feel that I had a relationship with him yet, but I wanted that I loved the life that I was being taught. I'd ride the Sunday school bus and and I didn't have to ride the Sunday school bus, but I would have my uncle come pick me up and I'd ride the Sunday school bus because my friends that were in Sunday school, um, they had to be picked up on the bus. And so I didn't want, I remember always not wanting anybody to feel um like they were less than the the girls in church because uh one thing I do remember in Sunday school is some girls could be really mean, and of course, judging on the outside, and I was never that girl.

SPEAKER_01:

I I had a my parents could tell you I had a heart that was just huge, and and I I loved church, you know, yeah, and then yeah, so but keep going because I I think um okay uh as a therapist, I have really paid attention to the link between um sensitive children and the struggles that they face spiritually, um, because the more sensitive you are to others, like as a kid, if you're really sensitive to other people's emotions, you're probably very, you know, what they call a highly sensitive person. You know, you're going to be maybe a little bit more open for spiritual attacks, or I would say more susceptible to that because you have such a high level of sensitivity.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. I um so yeah, so I believe that is absolutely true. So what happened with me was once I got into my teenage years, and of course, I started hanging out with you know different people and wanting the things that they had and and the structure, Pentecostal world. Um it sounds I hope my parents don't get mad, but it's like that structure made you want to lie, basically. I had to lie to go to the movies, I had to lie to go to a friend's house with a TV. Um I would sneak clothes in my bag, change at high school. And so same. My I started transitioning, but as a little girl, my memories were joy. Like I will say, at church was always like a fun place. It was always, I loved singing. I and and I I was very caring. My best friend, um, my very first best friend at like three years old, she has spina bifida. And so we were raised in the church together. And I don't know, just like that's the kind of heart that I had. But in high school was when I really started getting messed with as far as emotionally. Um always, I remember always feeling like I wanted to feel wanted. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Um and did you go to public school?

SPEAKER_02:

I did. So I was in private school, and then my freshman year, um, our parents, my older brother and myself, they put us in high school. Um, and of course, I was already like my junior year, I was already starting a date. This boy that my parents did not approve of. And, you know, I knew everything, they didn't know anything. Right. And and he, his grandpa was uh apostolic preacher. And of and that, but that church and my parents' church, there was like this, you can't hang out with their youth group, but there was always like the the drama, I guess you could say, yeah, to where to where we would sneak around. Everybody would sneak around, you know. So long story short, I ended up pregnant my high school year. And and then first thing I did was chop my hair.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Left home, chop my hair off. And then little by little I just started falling out of the ways um of God, you know. I just like, and I'm not saying standard wise, I'm saying just just starting to dabble with more and more things. And I don't because I I don't feel I feel like I feel like the outward appearance is very minute to what's happening inside.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely, totally agree. So so for you, it wasn't necessarily about church hurt or abuse or anything anything like that. Home was good. Um, it was more just feeling like you wanted to fit in and be a part of what you were seeing in the public specter with public school, right? What your friends were doing. And right.

SPEAKER_02:

And then of course, you know, getting mixed up with a boy that my parents did not approve of. And just to be quite frank, my parents were absolutely right on a lot of things that they were seeing. You know, now that I look back, I'm like, oh whoa, they were, but of course, the more uh they were like, no, Kayleen did the opposite and you know, typical teenage. And and my life, so I was I got married right away. Uh as soon as I turned 18, I got married. It was the hottest day of July in Bakersville, California, 118 degrees outside.

unknown:

Wow.

SPEAKER_02:

God was trying to tell me to run then, but I wasn't running. But uh, so got married outside and um got married to this this man and and he was horrible. Yeah. And he abused me mentally, physically, uh, emotionally, and six months after I had my first one, then I was pregnant again.

SPEAKER_01:

Um was he trying to get you pregnant to kind of keep you controlled, or was it just I don't think that so much he would drink and do drugs and and he didn't work, and so my life was just horrible.

SPEAKER_02:

And so many times I call my parents and they'd have to come get me, or my aunt uncle, and they'd have to come get me, and everybody would tell me, Don't go back, don't go back, and I'd go back, go back. And then one night um I had our second son, and he was just a baby then, but he came home drunk, he choked me, and I remember feeling my left side like going numb, but I was telling myself, hold the baby, like because I had the baby in my arms. And then uh he'd just gotten a job, and the very next day I called my uncle and I said, Can you get a U-Haul and get us out of here? And so he came home to an empty house, and that's how I got out of that. Um so yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Did he ever did he ever hurt the child did he ever hurt the children?

SPEAKER_02:

He did. Yeah, he did really bad. Uh so what happened there was of course, we I left, I went to my aunt uncle's house. I was very close to my aunt uncle. They didn't have any kids of their own. It's my mom's sister. They they both have passed. Um her husband, my uncle Gilbert, my aunt Debbie loved them dearly, but they of course have passed. But they let us, they let me go there with the young boys. So as I was living with them, the boys would still, of course, have visitation with their dad. And I want to say my boys were four and five, and we found out that um he had sexually abused one of them.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And that's a little bit, that's a little bit hard to talk about because you know that is that is um something that I mean, my boys are now 26 and 27, you know. But I'm so thankful. I look back and I'm so thankful that we were able to find out early. And but you know, all of that, like the abuse that way, and and then of course, this man lied. He lied, he failed three polygraph tests. Um, his parents didn't want to believe me, right?

SPEAKER_01:

So there was so much Well, they might have been he probably was abused as well. I mean, we know that that that's the way it usually works, and so of course they're not gonna admit it.

SPEAKER_02:

And you know, of course, you know, you talk about judgment, people were judging and and saying that I was making this up and all this, but you know, I feel now a lot of the people that were doing that, they know the truth because my right, my son, as he got older, you know, he he went through his hurt and his pain, and I mean both of them, and they have they have confirmed some things, you know, through along the way. But uh, you know, that's a whole nother podcast itself. But but you know what? I am I'm very thankful that so after six months of no contact, so the the DA's office was involved, DA's office said we got to throw it back until they they're nine years old, and then we can convict him. We know he's guilty, but this is how the system works in California. And of course, I I was just devastated, right? Because I'm like, he hurt my babies. Like, this is not right. And so the detective that was in the case, she says, in six months, uh, no contact, file abandonment. And I guarantee he's not gonna contact you because I let him know he failed all three polygraph tests and that he's guilty. And so after six months, I filed for abandonment and he was no longer in the picture. So I am very thankful for that because some kids get stuck in it their whole life.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, they do. It's it's horrendous. Our system is broken, broken, broken. He didn't have any contact with them once it came out. He didn't, he I don't understand why they had to wait till the kids were nine until they could.

SPEAKER_02:

And of course, by then, by then, I wasn't gonna bring it back up. He moved out of state. We kind of just washed our hands with it. I put it in God's hands, and um that's where that was, you know. But my life still was not right. I wasn't, you know, going to church. I wasn't, I didn't have a relationship with God. I knew of God, I you know, and stuff, but I just I think with all the abuse that I went through with him, it really damaged me more than what I wanted to talk about, you know. So here I was after that. Um, like two years, three years later, I got married again to the second husband.

SPEAKER_01:

And uh, you know, I had having having never fixed yourself or healed or even probably addressed the domestic violence and the abuse.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. And then trying to fill a void. Yeah. Right, right. And then I had a daughter. Um, she's 20, she'll be 21 in April, but I had a daughter and I had a son, and he's gonna be 18. And so with with that man, and of course, then we ended up divorcing. And um that's when I started like kind of like I started dabbling with alcohol, started drinking, um, started doing the things that slipping away no longer because I hadn't drank until I was like in my 30s. Wow. Which is crazy. I never even didn't backslid, I never dabbled with no alcohol whatsoever.

SPEAKER_01:

And um so when you so your your backslidden years um from being married to the first guy, was that mostly just in how you presented yourself with the outward appearance? Like you changed that, but you didn't you didn't really get into anything else?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I never really dabbled with nothing. I hated it because of what it was doing to the people around me, basically. Yeah. And and I never touched it.

SPEAKER_01:

And and that's very fortunate. I I know you probably did later, but that that's pretty um, that's very fortunate that it took you so long that you didn't turn to that earlier. So so you just didn't really go to church.

SPEAKER_02:

So yeah, so I didn't go to church. Um, my second husband, uh he was Trinity, and so that was a little bit hard because I know being Jesus' name and you know um one god, there's one God, that was a little bit hard, right? Because he believed one way, I believed another. But I would go with him to his church. I even got baptized Trinity.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow.

SPEAKER_02:

Just to make, you know, and then of course he was he with him. It was just like a complete opposite. Like he never, he never put hands on me, but he was very like my way or no way kind of person. And then I think I had been already so damaged by the first one that it was like then. I started drinking, and I was like, nobody's gonna tell me what to do. I'm not gonna have nobody, you know. So so then of course we had our problems and we ended up um separating and divorcing, but he tried to work things out, it just wasn't wasn't gonna happen. I just I went back and it was worse. Both of us were just, I wasn't in a place of even needing to be with anybody. Um, but the alcohol did it just started visually just like in a cycle. The more I started touching it, the more my life was just spiraling, right? But I wasn't paying attention to that. So that's when that's when things started to shift and change. Um and then of course we divorced and I had my daughter, and a lot of times he would have the boy, my second husband, he'd have the boy because Joshua was always closer to his dad and his grandma. And then, of course, my daughter, she was always with me. Um and then uh there's just so much. There's so much that I went through that it's just like it's almost it's almost like you got all day, but but anyways, then I ended up uh meeting Orlando, my husband now. This is in, I'm gonna kind of just speed it up a little bit. So, but in 2011, um, I knew of Orlando, and he's from Goshen, so he knows Keith Battle and stuff, and his brothers grew up with my mom, and uh we kind of share a mutual cousin but opposite sides of the family. And uh I knew of him, but he was a little, he was always older than me, and it was always like a no-no, like, and I always had a crush on him, and he loves this story, by the way. And I had a crush on him, but you know, of course, I was too busy having babies, married to the wrong individual, doing doing my thing on this side. But um he had messaged me on Facebook and said, Kayleen Hernandez, because my last name was Hernandez at the time, and I said, Well, not no more. And he was like, Really? And I was like, Where's your wife? Because I knew he was married to the same person for years, you know. And he said, Well, she just passed away. Oh, and my heart dropped, right? Because I'm like, oh, and I was in the car with my mom, and I was like, Mom, I was like, Orlando's wife passed away. And you know, it's one of those like I like you feel bad for asking that question, you know, right? And I was like, Oh, I'm sorry. And uh so he was in Tulare, California at the time. He was going to the Abbott's church. Uh, brother and sister Abbott loved him dearly, and he was going there, but he started not going on Sundays, and he'd come see me in Bakersfield. And uh Brother Abbott would see he wasn't there, and he'd be like, Where are you? Who's the girl? And you know, all this. And so finally we were like, Okay, this isn't gonna work. And we just three months later we ended up moving in together, and then we got Brother Abbott um called us into the office. So I started going to church with him a little bit, and then it was like, Okay, we need to get married, we're living together. So he called us in, he was like, You guys sleeping together? And we're like, we're like, Yes. He's like, Okay, we you need to get a marriage license and we need to get you married. So we got married, and he was still not healed from his situation. I obviously was a hot mess. Um, I my drinking and stuff wasn't that bad. I would just drink here and there, but then it was like an Adam and Eve situation. So I was doing this, and then I would push him to do it, and of course, our marriage wasn't um God wasn't the center. I look back now and I'm like, we didn't make God the center, so of course our marriage fell apart, and uh I had to let my daughter go with her dad and stuff, and then I started just losing things, material things, everything, just my whole world, right? Me and him ended up divorcing, and um I ended up on the streets. And me and Orlando, we have a son, he's 12 years old now, but he was three at the time when all this was happening, and I was on the streets, but my mom and dad would always take Nathan. Our son's name is Nathan, and they would always take him. And so for about a year, year and a half out there just you know, choosing the wrong things, getting mixed up with drug dealers, um ending up in hotels that had activity going on like you wouldn't believe. And it was a life that I can tell you that I was deep down terrified of. But I the drinking and the drugs would start making me just numb from it, if that makes sense. Yeah, and then I didn't know how to get help. I didn't know how to get out of it. And um, do you want me to keep going?

SPEAKER_01:

Or I have so many questions. I just don't want to I don't want to be rude and interrupting.

SPEAKER_02:

It's fine. I'll stop right there. So here I am on the streets.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so Kayleen. Um I love that brother Abbott just flat out asked you guys if you're having sex. I think I I feel like um I actually have no idea how my pastor would do it, but um, I feel like it is so needful to to just be able to be direct and honest like that. And pastors are so kind and gracious and not wanting to ruffle feathers, you know. That I don't know that they would always do it so directly, but it was needed because he was trying to keep you guys okay. If you're gonna have sex, you need to get married so that you can make it to heaven, right? If something happened, right? So I appreciate that a lot. Um, and so you guys you guys got divorced because I'm assuming obviously you guys were not healed, but did your drinking increase at what point did the Drugs come into play?

SPEAKER_02:

Our drinking went to drugs. My husband did drugs. Both of you. Both of us. Both of us, but um my husband has, you know, he has his own testimony, but him and his wife in the earlier years, they battled that kind of stuff. And so he was a recovering drug addict for like 12 years. And then here I am, like, do it with me. You know.

SPEAKER_01:

And did you know that? Did you know that about him? That he was a recovering drug addict.

SPEAKER_02:

I did, but I don't think I like now that I know what I know, I was like, what were you thinking? Like, you know, why would you even touch that? And um I want to just it just it's hard because it's like, why in the world would you even do something like that? But it's part of part of the choices and the things that I was doing and and how I was sucking him into my toxic yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And I want to pause really quick and say for women out there, um you have so much power to influence your spouse. And and I I don't think women really understand that uh on a broad sense, because when God gave the curse to Eve, he said, All the days of your life you'll pine away for your husband. And so society has sort of flipped it, and so women now pine away from men, you know, they really a man becomes their identity a lot of times. And so we they don't always understand the influence that they actually really truly do have over men, and women have the power to destroy men, and there's biblical references all throughout the Bible, but they also have the power to really help save their husband, undergird them, and make them a powerful man if they could just realize the influence that they have over their husbands. And so here hearing you clearly, you know, you were influencing him. And um because I I think when God created Eve, he created us with that power. You know, we we see that in scripture. She right, you know, Adam totally went to his death from a place of knowledge and understanding and still chose to follow his wife. And I think men often do that. Um, but anyways, moving on, so both of you guys go ahead, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I I want to say something on that, um, because I tell a lot of the ladies in the church, but I feel that's why the enemy wants the wife first. Yes, because if he can get to the wife, he's taken the whole family. And and I'm a living, I'm a living witness of that because I love all my babies. And it, I lost everything, you know, everything because I allowed the voice, the wrong voices to just push me into this person that you know, the purpose that God gave me, I wasn't, I wasn't called to do that. So I was just um basically feeding into what the enemy wanted me to do. And and my husband did not deserve that. I will say that. My husband, I love my husband to death. Um, probably if you asked me then, I tell you I hated him. Yeah, yeah. But you know, so I don't know where where we left off, but I I kind of went off on that binge because the enemy does want to take out the women first.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and so men, if you're out there, you really, really, really, really, really, really, really have to pick a godly woman, one that has proven herself that she's gonna follow God and not you. Because then you can build on that foundation. Uh my heart breaks for men a lot. And of course, women. I I mean, I was I was a very hot mess as well. You know, and so I know the I know the women's side of that story. And so, um, but anyway, so so you guys you guys started getting into drugs, I guess started fighting because unhealed people, we just hurt each other. Um so tell me a little bit more about being on the streets, and and I'll preface this for one, you don't have to answer questions, you don't want to. Um, but I have known a lot of girls who got into trafficking uh prostitution very easily because of a because of a drug habit. And you know, when at some point sex becomes free and easy, and when you're already traumatized and you're already numb, and then you add drugs and alcohol on top of that, you really don't care. It's easy to have sex unattached and um you know, very much from that mindset, and so were you being trafficked in that way on the streets?

SPEAKER_02:

I wouldn't necessarily mean that or go to that extent, like, but I do I was dabble, I was involved with never with one person, put it that way. The drugs and the alcohol made it easy to just sleep around. And then obviously, when you don't have somewhere to lay your head, well, guess what? You're gonna find a way to lay your head on a pillow. And maybe you won't be maybe you won't be asleep, but you're in a house, you know. Um I'm not proud of the things that I that I had that I did, but I will say that it was a scary, scary world out there. Um at one point there was I was I was never completely in a gang or nothing like that. Um so I I want to back up a little bit. So my older brother, he was in prison at the time. That, and matter of fact, I think that's where he seen Keith Battle was he was in a fire camp prison and he seen Keith paddle, Keith Battle, but he knew I was on the streets. And uh one time I had asked my mom to give me a ride somewhere, you know. I was always like, Mom, I need this, mom, I need that. And of course, my poor mom, you know, and she was she's a square, she's never done nothing wrong in her entire life, you know. Well, as far as I know, yeah. But but so it was very hard, I'm sure, for her to see me on the streets. And one time she took me to a hotel, and she, you know, there's these big like uh gang members out in front of the hotel. And and I didn't fear, I didn't fear any of that at that time. I was just living in it, right? So to me, it was like normal. To her, she was like, Oh my gosh, Kayleen, I can't believe how are you even gonna be right here? And and uh I was very broken, I was very hurt, I was upset that I didn't have my kids. I dwelled on that. I was upset at the fact that my husband that I married, meaning Orlando, that came from the same background, that he didn't fight for me, you know, because I was thinking he went, he hurried up and went and was protected by his family and got back on track. But me, here I was like on the streets, never living in that lifestyle. And I was in the car with my mom, my brother had called um from prison, and my brother got on phone me, and I'll never forget he was like, and I'm I kind of get sensitive about it now because he's still stuck in certain areas, you know, and it's like it's like, man, if he only knew, if he only knew what God could still do. But uh he called me and he says, sis, well, he called my mom, but he got on and he goes, sis, you are not a gangster. He was like, get off the streets, you know, because here he had lived it yeah for so many years. And I and I guess that's where I get emotional because I don't know, Kathy. I do not know how people live out there. Like it is a scary world. And and so that I do remember him telling me that, and um I got involved with some pretty uh top drug dealers. I don't know behind the scenes. A lot of people knew my brother out there. Um so I don't know if that kind of protected, of course, obviously God protected me, right? And had mercy and grace, but there was there was a situation I was in where I got hurt and it was sexually, and I got hurt really bad. And um so I could see where when you got on the topic of trafficking, where that can happen. And and it was like I had to just, and it was like basically a gang rape. Yeah, I'll just be blunt. And it was scary, right? Because I never and I and a month after that is when my whole world changed, where where I ended up um being in a drug house, and it wasn't an actual voice that spoke at me, right? But it was a thought, it was like a strong thought. So many people think when God speaks to you that that when you hear that when they're not um mature with your relationship with God, I'll just say mature, but it comes sometimes in a voice, sometimes in a strong thought. But there was this thought in my head through times, and it said, if you don't get out of here, you're gonna end up in prison or dead. And it and it was like three times. And I got up, I was 120 pounds. I got up from that drug house, left all my stuff behind, and I walked almost nine miles to my parents' house. Wow. And all the way there, all the way there, high as a kite. Um, I wasn't drunk at the time, but I was high on methamphetamine because that was like the drug of choice in in that area, still, still is, yeah, yeah, huge bones. And I remember like just breaking and was like, God, I don't want to be out here. I prayed. Like, God, I don't want to be out here. A lot of people say, You prayed while you're high. I sure did.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, sure did.

SPEAKER_02:

And I remember, Kathleen, the sound of the the electric power poles, like I could hear them zapping like strong, right? And it's probably because I was so like gone. But I walked all the way there and I was like, God, please just open my up my parents' hearts, you know, because they had tried to help me. My mom had tried to help me, but not to the extent to what I needed, right? I love my mom. I love my mom and my dad to death. Um, and I never want to speak like they they could have done more. That's not what I'm trying to say. It's just I had to be ready. I had to be the one to say, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Right. And and I do believe that if I want to listen to that strong thought, I would not be here today. Yeah. And so I walked all the way to my parents' house. It was a little bit, the sun was going down when I left. It probably took me like five hours from where I was. And I get there, my feet are black, of course. And my dad answers You were barefooted. I was in sandals, yeah, shorts, and a and a t-shirt. You couldn't even see my shorts, like walking the highway to get to their house, and knocked on the door, my dad answers it, and my son, Nathan, bless his little heart, he comes running, runs to me, and I hit the ground and just cried because my dad goes, Oh, Kayleen. And I was like, he's like, How can I help you? And I was like, I need your help. And I was just breaking, right? Just totally breaking. And my mom comes around the corner, hand on her hip, and she's like, Kayleen, I have tried to help you. And my dad, bless his heart, and this isn't my biological dad, okay? But he's the only dad I've ever known. And uh he told my mom, he says, Kay, just wait. And he looked at me and he goes, Kayleen, go get in the shower. Your mom will bring you some clothes. Sorry for the crying. It just when you start thinking about it again, it's like, wow.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I think it's appropriate.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So he so I went and got in the shower. And in the shower, I still was, I still was praying, like, God, please, please let them help me. I don't want to go out there anymore. You know what's gonna happen to me. And I came out, and my dad goes, come sit down and sit down in the living room. And I could tell my mom's just she's fit to be tied, right? She's like, throw, throw her back out.

SPEAKER_01:

She's just like, oh, yeah, because yeah, because the cycle of addiction is so so chaotic. You know, you gotta really know that this is a different, this is different this time.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah. And I come out, he had me sit at the couch, and he says, Kayleen, we're gonna find you somewhere to go. We're gonna find you rehab, we're gonna help you. He says, It's not gonna be your way, but matter of fact, it'll be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. He says, but it'll be so worth it. And I remember at that moment, Kathy, I was just like, okay, like I'll do anything, right? And so for two weeks, I ate, I slept, I showered, I ate, I slept, I showered for two weeks. I don't even know what my mom packed me. She packed me all kinds of stuff, and then they got me into teen challenge in San Jose, which was four hours away. And um, I was still a little mad because I wanted my mom to help me. I wanted my family to help me, you know, because in your mind, you still think like, well, why don't they help me? They should know I'm sick and tired, you know, and you're still trying to justify rather than I need, I need more help than what they could give me, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02:

And uh so they drive me there, pull up to Teen Teen Challenge Women's Center in San Jose, and they sit you down right away. They start telling the do's and don'ts, and one cup of coffee a day, and I about died. I thought the whole world was gonna crumble because one cup cup of coffee a day, and I just stopped drinking and drugs and you know all this. Yeah. And let me back up a little bit. When I was drinking so much when I was married to Orlando, I had two seizures trying to stop. That's how much alcohol, that's how much alcohol I was consuming. I would try to stop and I would end up in the hospital.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow, that's a lot. Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Wow. But but yeah, so I went to Teen Challenge, and of course you're supposed to be there a year, which is the same uh program that King Battle was saying, yeah. And I was there for three months, um, almost four, almost four months. And um my sugar started acting crazy to where it was like dropping a lot and stuff, and uh they were having to take me to to the hospital, like urgent care and things, because it would drop just crazy. And with Teen Challenge, you had to be knocking on doors, and you know, so they talked to my mom, they told my mom they were gonna find a place, another place where they could put me, right? Well, that didn't happen. So they basically gave me my suitcase, sent me on my way, and I had a child support card from the first husband, and it had like 180 something dollars on there. And I was like, great, what am I gonna do? I don't got a phone, right? I have luggage, and uh but while I was in teen challenge is when I really was put still and I found my true relationship with God again. You know, I will say that, like the counseling, finding the court root, core root of why I back why I was, I guess you would say backsliding for so long, right? Why I was running away from God and letting my life go in a vicious cycle. Why would why I kept running back to things that I shouldn't have instead of um instead of leaning on who I should, and that's my solid rock, right? That's Jesus.

SPEAKER_01:

And what what was your core root?

SPEAKER_02:

So my core root was the abuse from the first husband and never healing and going from one relationship to the other, and then having kids in the in the mix of it all, right? And then just still wanting to be accepted.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Because that need for acceptance, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. And as a little girl, I just wanted everybody to be happy. I wanted, you know, to where when my life did hit rock bottom, I didn't know how to talk about it to people. So of course I would drink, I would try to numb myself, I wouldn't talk about it. And um, so I got I got out of teen challenge and I had to go. You can stop me in any time if you if you want to ask any questions. But I ended up walking down the street and there was a Starbucks at the corner, and I asked them if I could use their phone to call a taxi, and they gave me a taxi number. And that taxi got me to the train station. And so in my mind, I was like, I'm just gonna go back home, right? I'm gonna go back to my hometown where I know where the welfare office is, where I know like resources and I know how to like at least get off the shit out of San Jose because and I your mom and dad wasn't gonna pick you up at that time.

SPEAKER_01:

I imagine you called home.

SPEAKER_02:

I did. My mom was mad, she wanted me to stay there, and then she was mad at Teen Challenge because they didn't put me somewhere else. And so, and I it's understandable, right? Because I didn't follow through with the year program. So I get her frustration and scared, right? Like, oh man, she's gonna come right back here. But I was so in love with God, and and there was a there was a service um that you know, you go to church a lot there, and this is when I I felt kind of like Keith, like I never really experienced that moment with God until their one service, and um the message that they were saying was like all your broken pieces, God can work with broken, and you have to be completely broken to be fixed, and so that's where I after you know he preached, I prayed and I broke. And I remember even laying in the bed and I felt the Holy Ghost just come upon me. And one of the girls even prayed with me because she could she felt it in the room, right? But so my attitude at change of leaving there was like powerful, right? It was like I was so high committed, I was like Elijah, I was high on Jesus, I was just not scared. Here I am at that train station. They can't get me a train to go back home until the next day. So I had to sleep in the train station with all these people, different people. Yeah, and I was telling people about God, I was pulling things out of my luggage, I was giving people things. Um, there was a man, it looked like his bones were sticking out. I walked down to the corner and went and got food. Um, just amazing things like giving a lady a blanket and her feet were blisters and just the things that I seen, right? And it was just like I was just this different person on the street. It was no longer drugs and alcohol. It was like God changed me. And and even though I didn't know where I was gonna go, I didn't know what was gonna happen. I had this peace and this joy that I couldn't even explain to you how like overwhelming it was. And my son, um, my older son, Bryson, him and his best friend came and picked me up from the train station. And he was so stressed out, right? He was like, Mom, where are you gonna go? What are you gonna do? Like, and he he was barely getting ready to go to college or in college, his first year in college. And he was home for the summer because that's when this was all happening. And I was like, take me to the welfare office, it's gonna be okay. And so in the welfare office, there was a man, and you could tell he was just broken. And and I asked him, Do you want me to pray for you? And my son's looking at me, and his friends like, What in the world? And I started praying for people like in the welfare office. And then this is this is how God was protecting me. The lady that was helping me to do like an emergency um to get you a hotel for a week, that was one of my son's friend's mom. Oh wow. So, and this is they were an hour from closing, and it was just bam, bam, bam. God just was doing his thing, right? Yeah, yeah. And so uh I stayed in the hotel, and uh then my niece, my niece and her her husband, they ended up letting me and my younger son go stay with them for a little bit, and then they had to move. So this is where I ended up homeless on the street, right? Because um, with my son, and we had to stay in shelters, and so I was in three different shelters with him. It went from Bakersville to Porterville, from uh no, Bakersville to Fresno, from Fresno to Porterville, Porterville to Tillary. And that's where really God just moved because I was about to give up again, right? I was like, I can't, I can't do this anymore. And and I had to cut off talking to family, I had to cut off um talking to ex-husbands, just anything, right? I couldn't deal with anybody until my life was restored, right? And my pieces were back together, and um I cut off like everybody, and so here I am in these shelters, and you could only stay like 30 days at a time, and then you have to move on. And it's a it's a it's not it's an experience that I'm thankful that I went through because I'm able to tell you know, another person that's going through that, like, put God first, and right when you think, where are you, God, he's gonna come in. And so um, I don't know if you want me to keep going.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I yeah, it's so good you're doing great. And so I didn't want to interrupt, but for the for the audience out there, she's talking about Keith Battle, he was our very first episode. So if you want to watch his story, you can go back to episode one. Um, there's a lot of his testimony he did not get into, but um, he was in the gang world for a long time. His mom and dad were um Pentecostal preachers and missionaries. And so um he he slipped, you know, he was looking at life in prison for many years. God did a miraculous, miraculous turnaround. Um, but the other thing I wanted to address is, you know, when you heard the voice of the Lord tell you that if you don't get out now, you're either gonna be in prison or you're gonna die. Um I I think that because something similar, I mean, the Lord had warned me several times in my own life too, and I always did listen to the voice of the Lord. That's one thing I think I always had a fear of the Lord, and so when He when He was talking, I knew you know I was gonna obey. Um, it was all the emotional stuff that needed to get healed for me, but God sees what traps the enemy has laid for you and for a person. So when God does come to you for the audience out there and does give you a warning like that, it is because he sees the traps the enemy has laid. And if we are out of relationship with him, we are open prey to the enemy. And uh we do we don't have the protection of God if we're not in covenant relationship with him, and that's a big long theological um Bible study. I I'm not gonna teach here, but but I I do think it's important to say that because number one, I'm so glad that you were able to recognize the Lord enough to be obedient to that voice. Um, and it's not because God is punishing or he's threatening, because that is not who our Lord is. He's loving, but he is omnipresent and he lives outside of time so he can see what's coming down the road. He's already been in our future, and the devil's number one job is to steal, kill, and destroy. And if he can kill us, if he can kill us, he will at the soonest possible moment, because then our eternity is forever settled. And so his desire is to kill us, and um so I'm really glad that you were able to recognize that. Um, with that in mind, did you have very much torment, demonic torment while you were out there? Did you ever recognize that because you did come from a spiritual place in your childhood? Did you experience um the demonic when you were on the streets and around people in any way that you remember or can recognize as that?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Um there were several places I was at that you could just tell the enemy was in somebody, right? I feel like with me as well, like I always had the fear of God. So I feel like the background that we came from really that's something positive of it, right? Like it's installed in you, and so you have the fear of God, and I'm thankful for that because I would have never known to listen to that. And um, but yeah, there was there was a lot of people demon-possessed. Um yeah, and you know, I just you get involved in there, you get so sucked in there, and it wants to take your soul, right? Yeah, because that's what the enemy wants, because you know, you can be so valuable in the kingdom of God and walking with Christ that He just tries everything and anything in His power to take you down. And I think that's why, like my testimony is very lengthy, because the choices and and constant wrong choices, you know, and they will affect you forever, right? And but God, God took my broken, he took my mess, and he really showed me his love once I got to Tilarie. It was like, I mean, he he had already shown me, right? But um, I was ready to give up once I got to the Tilary shelter. I was ready to just give Nathan to his dad, and I was just gonna go back to the same people and the same things. Like that's how I felt. Like, I just can't do this anymore. I and uh when I got to that shelter where they had us go stay, it stunk.

SPEAKER_01:

And I I wanna oh go ahead. I wanna I want to interject in that really quick. Um, because I think people people struggle in that very place that you just said. So when we we can have a love for God, we can have a desire to live for God. But in our humanity, uh we get weary. And so you were in a place of weariness, and so we they they say, I'm gonna say that they people. Everyone goes back to what they know. Addiction is so much about wanting to numb, not wanting to feel, not wanting to think, because you push, you push, you push to do the right things, you push to make the right choices, and and you try, try, try. And then when you when you get weary and you feel like all the efforts that you've made to try are still hitting the wall, it is so easy to give up, which is the exact place the enemy wants us to do. And not that you would have given up on God, and not that I I never gave up on God either, but I think what we're giving up on is ourself. We're giving we're giving up on hope that maybe I'm not valuable, and and maybe I do belong on the streets, and maybe there is really not going to be anyone to love me. And we begin to give in to our biggest fear, which is that I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy, and nothing good is ever gonna happen. And so I just want to clarify because I think so many people get discouraged and they're not really giving up on God, but they do fall prey to the enemy's devices of listening to that voice of identity, which if we can just stay in the line of who God says we are, it takes tremendous faith to believe that in the circumstances that you were in. Like, how can I believe that I am a child of God when I'm living in homeless shelter for now over three months, right? And the door, the doors just are not opening for me. Right. So yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02:

No, it no, that is true, and and I feel like that's where you know God sees the beginning to the end, and his ways are better than our ways. And and even when things like this is for whoever is listening, and maybe they're going through something, but you know, just because you go back to Christ and you have a relationship with Christ doesn't necessarily mean everything's gonna be wonderful. No, trials and tribulations and life is gonna happen. But man, when you have God as the center and you realize, okay, God, whatever you're gonna do, like as long as I have you, I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be all right. And you know how to block out the the voices that you shouldn't even be, you know, our mind is our weakest tool, right? Because if the enemy's playground, yeah, he if he can get in there, boy, he's got you. And um, so I think that's where we're like, no, God, you I am who you say I am. And I was create you created me.

SPEAKER_01:

And um, that was something yeah, because what what you're talking about, um, I just want to say for the audience, is it's not about a feeling because when you're weary, you are not gonna feel like you're a child of God. You gotta know it. Right, you're not gonna feel like things are gonna get better because circumstances actually speak the opposite, right? Right. But you you gotta know it. You gotta that when the Bible says taking every thought captive to the obedience of the word of God, that's what it's kind of saying is no, this isn't about how we feel. This is about what I know because the Bible says it, and I choose to put my faith in what the word of God says. I may not know it from experiential knowledge yet, but I believe trials are for that purpose to give us the experiential knowledge. Because now, once I walked through it, no one can ever take it away from me anymore. No one can ever tell me God is not good, no one can ever tell me God is not faithful, no one can ever tell me his timing is not perfect, he should have done it back then. I have too much experience now to know. But it took walking through the difficulty to gain to gain the knowledge and experience that now makes it so much easier, you know. And there's still trials, there's still so much of life because we're human and uh because the devil's real and he doesn't ever stop, you know, trying to prod us. Yep. Okay, so go ahead. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_02:

No, he try he you're absolutely on point. Um, you know, it it's we battle not with physical, right? It's a spiritual battlefield, right?

SPEAKER_01:

So you're in Tilarie, and you already know the Abbott's church. So were you able to get back to right?

SPEAKER_02:

So the Abbott's so the Abbott's church was where me and Orlando had got married, of course, you know. Um, so Tilarie meant something to me. And uh, and so anyways, I I got there to the shelter and I was like, it stunk, right? The shelter and the kids that were in there, it was just like really dirty. And I just broke. I couldn't do it no more, right? And the lady's like, what are you gonna do? And I was like, I'm just gonna call his dad and I'm gonna have his dad come get him, and I'm just gonna go home. And they're like, Well, where's home? I'm like, back to Bakersville. And they're like, but why? And I was like, I can't do this. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a Barbie doll homeless chick. I was like, but I can do this anymore. And uh, and the the lady, uh Christina, I believe she's still the director there. Uh she she goes, Kayleen, she goes, let us, you have to be still. You have to be still in order for God to work. I've tried to be still, I tell her. And she's like, Look, give us tonight. We'll move you and Nathan upstairs, and you'll be all by yourself and sleep it through. And then when you wake up tomorrow, if you still feel the same way, we'll let you go. And uh, so with my son in one hand and my luggage in the other, I go walking up the stairs and I get up there, and this apartment was maculent. And I was like, whoa, God, you really love me, right? And that night I laid in that bed and I was just like, okay, God, I'm here. I'm in Tulary. I said, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna search for work and I'm gonna try to make this happen. But I need you to put the people and resources in my life that I need in order to get back to the place where I need to be. And uh, and so the next day I got on the bus. I I was searching for work, you know, and then um that night there was a service at the Abbott's church, and I went. And Sister Abbott, boy, she comes, we call her Grammy, right? Um, I might get emotional talking about them, but she comes running across the church, and she just wrapped her arms around me like never hit skip to beat. And of course, she didn't know detail of what was going on. But um, yeah, so she she did that, and then a few days later, she of course every day she's up there picking me up and she's taking me where I need to go, and and then it ends up being Sunday night service, and um her and I call them papa, but her and brother Abbott, they come pick me, pick me and Nathan up, and we get out of church and we pull up, they go to drop us off. And Grammy goes, Okay, if anybody knows her, she just tells you like it is, right? She just she's this ball of love, but she's not gonna sugarcoat anything, her or brother Abbott. And I love them for that, right? But they were exactly what I needed. Yeah, God knew I needed them, I needed that, and uh, she goes, You're gonna go in there, you're gonna get your stuff, and you're going home with us. Oh I went in there, got my stuff, and of course went home to their beautiful mansion because they lived in this gorgeous um farm mansion. That's what I call Nathan calls it a mansion farm. But you know, he was little and and they helped me, and she she would, she was just my uh, she was my rock. She would, when I felt embarrassed or ashamed, she would tell me, No, God loves you unconditionally, Kayleen. Like you can do this. And she was just my mentor, she was just love on me, and still to this day, like I call her, and it's like I don't it we don't skip a beat. I don't call her as much as I should, but when I do, it's like it's like she met she's always been there, you know. And um, her and Papa Abbott, and of course, they didn't want me moving to New Mexico. But I came, I came, but um yeah, so that I ended up living with them, and then I got a job at a a restaurant. Um, and one day while I was working, Orlando's dad calls. I mean, Nathan's dad, Orlando calls and he tells me, Hey, I still love you. And I was like, Are you sick and twisted? And I hang up the phone, right? Because I'm like, How in the world? And I remember going home to the abbot's house and going home, and I told him, Can you believe he called me and just out of the blue says he loves me? And of course, Papa Abbott's like, Well, he needs to come here. You don't need to go to him, he needs to come here. And I'm like, Well, either way, I'm not gonna, I don't want to be with him, you know. And I was just like, There's no way.

SPEAKER_01:

Like, uh, did you know he was back in church at that time, or did you think he was still he was not back in church, he was working in Carl's bad.

SPEAKER_02:

Of course, he wasn't doing the dabbling of the sins, but he wasn't going to church, I guess you could say. Um, but he found out because the way the I want to say the Christian world, the way they gossip and talk, then he found right away that, hey, Kayleen is, and by then I had already gotten an apartment, right? I qualified for section eight and I had my own apartment. So of course he was he was like, what? And she's going to church. And um, there was still the naysayers. Oh, God didn't really change her, even to this day. Right. You know, it's been it's been almost eight years, and I thank God for that. But but it's like Grammy and Papa Abbott, the love that they gave me was the love that I picture that God has for each of us. Right. And and it doesn't matter on the outside, you know. Right. Um when another thing that Brother Abbott taught me was he told me, he says, Keeling, because you know, when you get back trying to find your way and everything, and you're getting back in the routine of of living for God, he says, You you gotta let he's like, it's just like a harvest, you gotta start weeding out all that bad, anything there that's in the way of letting your crop grow. He says that's the same in the spiritual realm. And um, so of course, they wanted Orlando to come, they loved Orlando, right? And they wanted him to come there, and he told me he was gonna come there. We ended up married, getting married again, because he'd come see me, and I wasn't gonna be with him unless it was right, because that's just in my mind, it was like, I wasn't gonna play, like I didn't care if you weren't gonna serve God, I was gonna serve God because I knew what God had done for me, and nobody like God rebuilt my universe, and and a lot of the ways, the mentality and the things that I the way that I am now. I had that mentor, which was Mama Abbott, and she she mentored me, right? And she she got me in a place where it was just like, okay, I can do this, I can do this with God. As long as I have God, no matter who tries to come back in my life, I have God, God has a center, set healthy boundaries. You know, I think a lot of times when we backslide and we come back, a lot of people end up backsliding again because they don't set healthy boundaries. And we have to do that, right? Right. Because you have to protect your relationship with God no matter what. That is the number one. And uh of course, we we got married again and he never came there. And so one night just packed up all my stuff, and uh, there was people that I'm not gonna mention names, but there was people that was reaching out to my mother-in-law and saying, Oh no, she didn't really change, and this and that. And so there was people trying to like come and hinder and mess up what God was trying to restore, right? You know, right. Yeah, and and I even told Orlando, I said, the only way this is gonna work is if we serve God. If we don't serve God, you already know where the where it's gonna head, but we have to serve God. And uh yeah, so he knew right away, like, okay, this she's this is a different, it's like a brand new wife, right? She's wanting to serve God, God is her everything.

SPEAKER_01:

So wow, that's that's wonderful. And so, I mean, so many questions along the way, but you you did a really good job of explaining, and I think um I I think that the fall, you know, like we said earlier, is just uh we we are just broken people sometimes, and if we don't take the time to address that, um then the enemy can have free reign with us a lot. So you guys are married now, you're in New Mexico. What's in New Mexico and why there?

SPEAKER_02:

So his parents were here, and so what he ended up doing is he was working in Carlsbad, but he came here instead of going to California, like he said he was gonna do. And um anyway, so he he said, Well, my parents are getting old, and and he was trying to get us to come here, but I ended up driving here because I wanted him to look me in the face and tell me why did he marry me again and do this? Like, are we really gonna go down this path? And I wanted him not be over the phone. I didn't want, you know, it's crazy that the the old-fashioned Pentecostal world, these older ladies still have that sin of gossip, and they were trying to destroy things, not even knowing anything. And so, and that can even break you, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Right, yeah, it's hurtful, very hurtful.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's like shame on me, you're no better than the drug addict and the alcoholic. Um, right, but anyway, so I got up here and like yeah, I got up here and and he was like, babe, we can have a beautiful life here. He was like, My parents are getting older, I feel like I need to be here. And and I was like, Okay, and so shame on me. I didn't tell mom and papa Abbott. And that was hard, right? I kept avoiding the calls. They knew what something was up, they already knew she's somewhere, and I and I just kept ignoring it, ignoring it, and I finally had to answer. And um, and of course, she's proud of me now, and and Papa, he's Papa Abbott, you know, he went home with the Lord during COVID. But they always, if if I could say that um God showed his unconditional love through them, and I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for them listening to God and really guiding me and helping me along the way. And yes, I'm in New Mexico now, and God has restored so much, and the enemy still tried to come in and attack us and break us down even here. But when you make God your center and you have a made-up mind, nothing can get in the way. And um, and of course, you know, God is still doing his work, God has restored my relationship with my children. I've been able to help them along the way. Um, my daughter, she's in college. And, you know, we have a little small church. We we were going to UPCI church when we uh we were here, but my husband had the calling of starting his own church, independent church. And so we have a congregation of about 25, 30 people, and you know, God is doing a work, and I and I do feel God has us right where He wants us for now. Um can't tell you what tomorrow will bring, but but I am so thankful of the unconditional keep going, you're fine.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I am there's a delay.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, okay, okay. I I want to say that I am thankful of the unconditional love that God has shown me. And um, and you are right, you know, you're still gonna go through things, you're still gonna have the naysayers, you're still gonna have all that. But if you just look ahead and follow Christ, that's all that's gonna matter. Who cares about what this person looks like? Who cares about what church they go to? Who cares about uh the building size? Because the building isn't gonna save you, you know, your relationship with God, your soul being saved, you you know, being baptized in Jesus' name. And and let me rewind back. I was, I told you I had been baptized Trinity. Well, I was here maybe like four months, and one night I was like, after hearing a preaching, I was like, oh my gosh, am I gonna be saved? Like, did I like if God comes right now, am I gonna be saved? Because I didn't like I need to get rebaptized. And I woke up my husband and I was like, babe, I think I need to get rebaptized. And he was like, really? And and I was like, Yeah, is that gonna be okay? I was like, is it a sin to get rebaptized? He's like, if you have any doubt that you're baptized wrong, he says, Let's get you baptized. And we filled up a pool and he baptized me. Of course, he called our pastors at the time, they were like, baptizer. But um, but yes, that was my little experience because I it was like everything, God had put everything in order and everything was falling into place, right? But there was still that one thought of like, okay, Acts 238, and I need to be baptized in Jesus' name. And yeah, I already have the Holy Ghost, but I do need to get baptized in Jesus' name because I did get baptized as a young girl, but I vaguely remember it.

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Isn't that great? Keith has talked about wanting to get baptized also because I think he was really young as well. So um hopefully you guys have mentors in your life now that you know it's good, even as a therapist, they tell us you need to have a therapist, like in my pastor, I always go to, but um, but it's good to just have somebody that is a good mentor that can kind of see the pitfalls in front of us and and uh help us along the way. Because it's still, you know, as long as we live for God, I think as long as we live in this world, there's gonna be things that we we need help with. Um so where what would you say to the backslider that's still out there?

SPEAKER_02:

I would say that God created you and He loves you and you still have hope. There's hope in Jesus, and don't worry about the naysayers, don't worry about um the shame because you know, coming back here, like at least I was, I was very ashamed and and even still to this day, like I've had to, I've had to now I walk in proud because I'm so thankful. I'm just thankful of what God has done. But you know, at first, I wanna I want to say if you're a backslider, no matter where you are, find a place and talk to God, be real with him, whatever you're feeling, be real. If you think, oh, I'm drunk, he's not gonna listen, or I'm high, he's not gonna listen. No, God is God and He listens and He knows our hearts' desires. And if we have in our heart that we don't want to be that backslider, God is gonna put those pieces back together. But it takes us just reaching out to him, and it doesn't take a church, and nothing against a church, but it but I feel like a lot of times people think, oh, well, they don't go to church, but it's more than that, it's more than just going to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. And yes, having the people of God gives you that encouragement and that strength. But I but I feel that don't ever think you're too far gone for God, right? Because where I came from, nobody thought I was gonna pull out of what I pulled out of. And even to this day, you know, I work where I work, um, I had to go through clearances, and you're talking I had four investigators involved in my because of my shelters, because of my story. And the last the last investigator, she was like in tears, she was like, Kayleen, do you realize a lot of people don't pull out of what you pulled out of?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, a true miracle.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and I tell her, I say, you know what? I give God all the credit because he knew in my heart what I that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And um, so so if you're a backslider and you feel ashamed or you feel like there's no hope in Jesus, well, there is hope in Jesus, and it's never too late, it's never too late to get in in a secret place with him and just cry it out with him. If you're mad, angry, sometimes we have to be like David and be bipolar a little bit, you know. But God wants us to be real, and I feel like when I started getting more real with God, the more he started opening up doors that I couldn't, that I never even imagined. I never imagined my marriage being restored. I never imagined my kids forgiving me, right? Um my daughter was 10 when she went with her dad, and it was a mess with her, right? Because or for her because it emotionally hurt her. And I find out later on that that they had to pick her up from school because she would just be vomiting, missing me so much. And um, all those little things like God has taken everything that I possibly, everything that I um was making a hot mess out of, and he is making something beautiful out of it. And no, my life isn't perfect, but but I restoration. And I and I think I feel like everybody should ask themselves this if you were the only one in this world, would Jesus still die on the cross for just you? And when you stop and you think of that, you know, because I believe he still would die for me. And once you start knowing that, man, his love is that deep, you know, that even if it was just me, he would have gone through that same torture, that same pain. And the blood of Jesus is just precious, right? And um once we once you once you uh come back to Christ, it's okay to talk about your past, that's healing, but don't dwell on it. You know, be thankful for where God is taking you. And even to this day, there's little things of my past that still get brought up from the ex-husband and things to where my kids have to struggle and and war, you know, like they can't tell him that he's they're talking to me, or they can't, they they have to be sneaky about it. And it's like it's hurtful, right? And then they'll say things, they'll throw little jabs of like my past. And you have to know that once you repent of your sins and you give it to God and you lay it down and you say, My life is not my own, my life belongs to you now, you that is surrendering everything. And so, no matter the naysayers and and the negative voices and things that come up against you, know who you are in Christ and never believe that it's too late. As long as you're breathing, there's hope.

SPEAKER_01:

Amen. That's right.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and it and as long as if you're wanting a change, that's all it takes. It takes you just wanting that change. And and I'm just I know that like I know Keith's story, you know, and I am Keith Battle, I am very um inspired by it, and it it makes me not want to lose hope for my brother, you know, because your brother's gonna come for him and me. Oh yeah. And I just and I just know that, I just know that. And and I do, I I let I do know that sometimes as Christians, what Christians need to say is self get out of the way, because a lot of times we can be too pushy to the backslider.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02:

And when we need to remember, I was once that person, and how would I want to be treated and treat that person the way you want to be treated? And if you're if you if you're in church and you're saying, oh, God didn't change that person, well, shame on you, because that means you need to get in your prayer closet because obviously you don't realize what God can do, you don't believe what God can do because he is a healer, he is a maker, and he is a restor, he is a God of restoration.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. And he can do it all by himself with no one's help. But a but but an obedient heart. Um, well, Kayleen, there's so much to say, and I uh probably have you on again because you know I think there's there's so much to unpack, but I think you did a wonderful job bringing it all together. And I believe that we are gonna see revival in the gang worlds. There has got to be preachers that will preach to the gang population, and so we have a couple of Pentecostal backsliders that have lived in that world that I think are gonna be called to preach preach to those people. And Keith, of course, is gonna be one of them, and hopefully your brother is too. So, with that, thank you. It was such a pleasure to meet you and um thank you for taking the time to share your story. I really appreciate it. And I'll be praying for you.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you so much, Kathy.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, if you'll if you'll aim if you'll email me your brother's name, um, I will add him to our prayer list.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, God bless you, Kayleen.

SPEAKER_00:

God bless you, thank you.

SPEAKER_02:

Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_01:

Bye.

SPEAKER_00:

We are so glad you joined us. If you have a story of redemption or have worn the label of a backslider, we would love to hear from you. If you'd like to support our ministry, your donation will be tax deductible. Visit our website at the redeemedbackslider.org. We hope you will tune in for our next episode.

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Kathy Chastain

Host