S3E5: Where's the Village Everyone Talks About (SAHM Version)?

Everyone says “it takes a village.” Cool. So… where is it?
We’re calling out the loneliness of modern motherhood and talking about how to find your people in a world that glorifies doing it all alone. Listen in as we trade guilt for grace and isolation for real connection—because your village might be closer than you think.

Transcript

Diana (00:02.087)
Hi, welcome to Pearls of Motherhood. I'm your host, Diana.

Tessie (00:06.156)
and I'm your host Tessie.

Today we're asking a big gut level question. Where's the village everyone talks about?

Diana (00:17.29)
Yeah, right? Everyone's always saying it takes a village to raise a child, but so many moms today are raising kids in what feels like a complete isolation.

Tessie (00:28.564)
Yeah, so today we're going there, the loneliness, the broken systems, and also how we can start to rebuild a village from scratch. because let's be real, like that's why we created this podcast is to build a village. Like that's the whole point, because motherhood is so isolating and lonely. And like we're constantly doubting ourselves.

constantly feeling like we're alone in these struggles that we have or that like it's only our kid or it's only us that's going through that but that's not true and that's like why we wanted to create this whole like the podcast and everything. Yeah is because like none of us are alone and we can all lean on each other because we're always hearing about this village. Well, where is it? It's right here.

Diana (01:14.132)
Maybe.

Diana (01:21.95)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (01:26.461)
Yeah, we're here for you. Pearls of motherhood, we are your village. I love that. Well, I'm excited. OK, so let's get into the myth of the village. So historically, humans really did raise their kids in a community, in a tribe, in a village, right? Babies were cared for by not just moms, but aunties, cousins, neighbors. Raising a child wasn't a one woman job. It involved everyone.

Tessie (01:26.699)
you

Yes. Yeah.

Tessie (01:55.022)
Yeah, and so, okay, so fast forward to today and a lot of moms are parenting alone in apartments or houses, sometimes far from family, often without affordable childcare and sometimes even without paid leave. And then there's also that thing where there's like the whole single married single mother where the dads are like always gone to working and

It's like, it's just super isolating. And it's, think it's a cultural thing within America too.

Diana (02:30.897)
I have to agree with that because lots of countries still parent in the village mentality. So, extended families often live close together or even in the same house. And kids are constantly surrounded by multiple generations. So, there's built-in support every single day.

Tessie (02:41.197)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (02:48.622)
Mm hmm. Yeah. that how nice would that be? Like, where did this come from in America that we're just so like isolated and I don't know what the word is, but we're just very not we're not connected or friendly, I guess you could say like.

Diana (02:53.493)
It's so nice.

Diana (03:10.633)
Right? Because the goal was that we move out of our parents' houses, right? We get out, while in other cultures, it was we stay in. I have to say, my in-laws are visiting right now, so grandma and grandpa are here, and it's so great. It's wonderful.

Tessie (03:16.126)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Tessie (03:26.944)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, it is. And it kind of makes you wonder, like, why does it feel so impossible here in the US? Our culture promotes independence, but, like, it comes at such a huge cost for parents. And also, like, the grandparents are there. Your daughter is getting so much out of that. And the interactions and the differences in the style of how they treat her and everything like that.

There's like such benefits to that.

Diana (03:59.113)
There is. So when moms ask, where's my village? It's not that we're doing something wrong. It's that the model isn't there. The model is broken. okay, Tessie, I wanted to ask you, you are about to be a mom of five. What did you imagine your village or your tribe to look like before you had kids? And how is it different now in reality?

Tessie (04:09.556)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (04:25.026)
Hmm, guess I don't really know if I really thought about it before I had kids. I guess in my own mind, I thought that I would be like, obviously close to family, you know, and have like friends that had kids. I don't know, I guess I just didn't really think about it.

And it is like, had to move though, to be close to family, to have that support system. I had to move after my first one was born, so that I could have that like support system. And then it took like a minimum of two years for me to start building like a mom village, you know, of making friends. And then here was my struggle.

Diana (04:58.389)
Mm.

Tessie (05:20.396)
Like we live in a rural town, a very small town that doesn't have a lot of industry, not a lot of things for kids, not a lot of professional families want to live here or can live here and, you know, and raise a family. It's a hard thing to do. And so what happened, end up happening was like, as soon as I would find my tribe of mothers here, they would all have to move for like work reasons.

Diana (05:49.119)
Yeah.

Tessie (05:49.256)
or family reasons or school reasons or whatever. And so I was like constantly starting over, finding more moms to connect with. And I'm already a very slow to warm up person as it is. It's not like I'm not the kind of person where I meet you and we're best friends. Like that's just not me. Don't anyone should not take that personally because it's not.

Diana (05:57.245)
huh.

Diana (06:12.021)
Hahaha

Tessie (06:16.95)
like my thing. I'm not like that with anybody. very like, I'm going to find out if I can trust you first type of person. And it takes me a while to warm up to people and to gauge that even though for the most part, I know it like right off the bat in my gut for the most part, but like, yeah, yeah, but I don't like I just don't get close to people like just overnight, you know what mean? So

Diana (06:20.319)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (06:24.755)
Yeah, of course, of course.

Diana (06:35.455)
Right, because you can read a person. You can read a person. Yeah, I get that.

Tessie (06:45.282)
That's been a huge struggle. It feels like I would make friends and then they're like gone, you know? And then have to start all over again. And it got to the point where I was like, this is dumb. I'm not putting all this effort in. Cause it doesn't happen for me overnight. It takes effort to make friends for me, you know? Because I'm very particular. So it got to the point where I was like, I don't need friends. No more friends. I don't need friends.

Diana (07:13.333)
Well, so Tessie, you and I were in that situation because we were introduced with, you're young, you're young, you two should be friends. fortunately, it worked.

Tessie (07:21.359)
Yeah. Yeah.

Diana (07:25.781)
And I left you. I moved out of our small little town. the thing is that I am one of those people that I'll make friends with anyone. I'll make friends with anyone. It doesn't matter. once I'm not super close to everyone, but I'll be friendly to everyone. once... Yeah.

Tessie (07:31.062)
You're one of the ones that left me. That's so funny.

Tessie (07:40.526)
Yeah.

Tessie (07:46.946)
Yes, I can get along with everybody, literally anybody and everybody. can get along with them. if I, whether I'm going to trust them to be my friend or not.

Diana (07:55.125)
Basically, it's my fault that we're still friends because I'm like, no, you are in my group and I'm not ever letting you go. I'm moving across the country, but I'm still going to bug you. That's really on me.

Tessie (08:04.846)
Yeah. And it's probably like your persistence even in the beginning where like I'm like just so much more standoffish, I guess. I mean, I'm friendly, but to me, you know, I don't know how you feel about this, but like, does it like kind of annoy you when you put a lot of effort into trying to be friends with somebody and they don't reciprocate it? And then you're like,

Diana (08:20.127)
You are, I like you.

Tessie (08:31.67)
Why am I do always did one putting in the effort? Obviously, if you don't want to be friends with me, like I don't care that much, honestly, you know what I mean?

Diana (08:40.809)
I totally understand that. And yes, that is very frustrating because friendship is a two way street. It has to be mutual. It can't be one sided. It doesn't work that way. But I never thought of you as standoffish. I think you and I got along well. Yeah, you are. And we got along almost immediately. So I think you are. You're not me.

Tessie (08:48.384)
Yeah.

Tessie (08:53.984)
No, I'm friendly. Yeah.

Tessie (08:59.854)
I'm friendly. I give people chances and I do make the effort but at the same time it's like if the effort isn't reciprocated I'm not the kind of person that's gonna be like continuing on. I'll be like okay well moving on.

Diana (09:17.365)
I think your point was really profound that you had to move to have that support and to have your village. And it's hard to maintain, right? To maintain the people you trust the most around your kids because the ones they tend to leave or they're not immediately here or I just don't trust you. I think that's a really profound thing to think about because it's...

Tessie (09:28.876)
Mm-hmm.

Yes. Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Diana (09:46.761)
Being a mom and having friends is really hard.

Tessie (09:50.486)
Yeah, it is because it's so important. Like definitely, I always think about first and foremost, who are my kids? Who am I putting my kids around? Okay, so like sometimes if it's if like the kids are not like a well meshed with my kids, it kind of doesn't really matter how much I like the mom. Like I will only be friends with the mom like outside of our kids in that situation. Like I won't put my kids in that situation if the

Diana (09:53.673)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (10:15.605)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (10:20.696)
You know what I mean? Like I'm very picky in that area too. More so.

Diana (10:21.943)
yeah. Yes. It's another layer that you have to think about, right? Who your kids are exposed to, how the kids interact, what is the repercussions of the interactions, right? It's a lot.

Tessie (10:30.051)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (10:36.906)
Yeah. you, it definitely makes it harder to find a village also because you want to find like-minded mothers, like-minded families, like-minded values and everything like that. And that also diminishes the size of your village.

Diana (10:56.189)
Yeah, it does. It does. I, for me, I imagined before motherhood that I would be doing it alone. Even though I grew up with my grandmother next door and my aunts and uncles and cousins living with them and I live next door to them basically in an apartment. They had a house, I had an apartment. I thought I would be doing it alone. I thought I would move out of my parents' home and after I went to college and never come back,

Tessie (11:03.874)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (11:26.425)
And then I get married, I buy a house and I have kids in another state. I actually thought I would be living in Connecticut, honestly, with a white picket fence and doing it all by myself, like having a career and being a mom. And I did not realize what surprised me most about reality is how much I need my group, my family. We moved back to the East Coast to be closer to our families.

Tessie (11:33.77)
Mm-hmm

Yeah.

Diana (11:55.529)
and to let my daughter know her cousins and her aunts and uncles and her grandparents. That's what surprised me was how much I need that village, that group, my core people. That to me was a huge reality check and I'm glad I got it because it makes life easier.

Tessie (11:59.566)
Yeah.

Tessie (12:09.617)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (12:15.01)
Yeah, it does. And that is also one thing that I wanted to take into consideration was like, man, I loved going to my grandparents house when I was a kid. And I wanted my kids to be like really close with my parents, which is their grandparents. I wanted them to have that close relationship because there's like something special about grandparents. There just is.

Diana (12:25.663)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (12:40.757)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (12:42.944)
So yeah, like we had to move to this small town, which for the first three years I was like kicking and screaming. I was telling my husband like, I want to move. I want to move back to the city and all this stuff. But after the three years, like I adjusted. But I did that in a sacrifice for my kids, honestly. And now it's really worked out because I actually love being in a small town raising a family and having kids because it's...

easier like everybody's just 10 minutes from the park you know like everybody's close to everybody and so if you want to do a play day everybody's like five minutes away and if we were in the city i think it would be even more isolating i really do

Diana (13:13.587)
Yep. Yep.

Diana (13:25.685)
Yeah. I think that you also know everyone. I think the trust factor because in your small town and I can attest to this, everyone knows everyone. Everyone knows everyone's business and you want to know what's going on for your kids to know these people. So for me, there's like a layer of security there. So I get that. But what you said is true. So

Tessie (13:31.042)
Mhm.

Tessie (13:37.39)
Yeah. Yeah.

Hahaha

Tessie (13:46.509)
Yeah.

Tessie (13:50.734)
Yeah.

Diana (13:52.533)
The loneliness factor. So over 50 % of moms report feeling isolated. Loneliness isn't just about being sad. It's actually a health risk and it's been shown to be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. One five. What? Right.

Tessie (14:11.502)
Wow. Wow. I wonder if that you know, there's statistics that America spends like the most money on health care. And then we also have like the worst health outcomes. And I wonder that has to be contributing because like, loneliness is such a big part of our culture, whether you're a mom or not, especially when it comes like the elderly and stuff. And

Diana (14:25.418)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (14:38.528)
I remember for pretty much for like two years, I didn't have any mom tribe or any, I didn't have any mom friends. Like I just didn't know, I didn't know where to look. I didn't know where to, it was just so new to me. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so that's, that's awful. But yeah, like adult conversation is rare. It's not just about like the loneliness. It's about like, it's not just about.

Diana (14:53.897)
Yeah. Yeah.

It is.

Tessie (15:04.972)
talking, it's about feeling like someone has your back that they're in your corner that they're you're like like minded and stuff.

Diana (15:11.547)
Mm-hmm. Yep, it's letting you know that you're not crazy, right?

Tessie (15:16.622)
That you're not alone!

Diana (15:19.329)
Exactly. So in cultures with multi-generational households, mom often feel this, they don't feel this extreme isolation because someone is always nearby to help out to watch the baby or just to talk. And I have to agree with that because I have amazing neighbors. have say, have fantastic neighbors. I love my block. We're very mixed. We're not just families. We're retired. We're a little bit of everything here.

Tessie (15:34.348)
Yeah.

Diana (15:47.547)
And when I just step out of the house after being alone with a toddler all day and I just say hi to the neighbor, it's like, okay, this is better. Like I can feel the stress just leaving me.

Tessie (15:55.758)
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it makes a big, my neighborhood here in my town is awesome too, because it's literally filled with a bunch of old retired ladies who are super vibrant and not boring. Yes. And we do this thing in our neighborhood every single month, we all get together and do like a lunch or a dinner or some sort of gathering either at somebody's house or at a restaurant or something.

Diana (16:08.309)
You

Yes they are. No, they're not.

Tessie (16:27.566)
It's nice, you know, like I, I know all my neighbors. I feel like I could call my neighbors if I really needed them. And they're all a bunch of old ladies and they've offered to babysit and they love my kids and stuff. And I love that, you know, but that's rare. They're all grandmas. Yeah. That's not like a normal thing though. I've never lived in a neighborhood like that before.

Diana (16:41.653)
They're all grandmas. That's all grandmas. Yeah, it's amazing.

Diana (16:51.463)
No, I know pretty much everyone on my block and I can't say I would trust everyone with my daughter, but I know them. I said that is rare. That is very rare. But like, just knowing that I have someone here to fall back on, like if I'm having a bad day, to know that I can just go next door to my friend and say, hey, can we just talk or go for a walk or something?

Tessie (17:02.24)
Yeah.

Tessie (17:16.939)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (17:20.701)
And she's totally up for it. And that is so, that's such a relief. And I would imagine that's what it feels like when you have multiple generations in your home, because like, it's in, I know this is silly and little, but when I'm sitting there folding laundry and someone joins me, I feel better. I know that's dumb, but I do. I'm like, okay. I'm not by myself.

Tessie (17:22.412)
Yeah.

That's needed.

Tessie (17:31.223)
Yeah.

Tessie (17:40.141)
Yeah.

Tessie (17:45.184)
Yeah, it makes it feel less overwhelming and it also like I get bored easily. It's just my personality. So like if I'm just sitting there doing nothing but folding laundry, it'd be so much nicer to do just having a conversation with somebody else, you know, having some company and it goes by a lot faster. It does. Yeah.

Diana (18:01.703)
Mm hmm. It does. It really does. So can I ask you a personal question?

Tessie (18:09.206)
Sure.

Diana (18:10.133)
Like I was gonna give you a choice, right?

Tessie (18:12.634)
Yeah, I'm here like I'm slow to warm up over here. Okay, I guess you could ask me a personal question.

Diana (18:16.405)
I'm gonna give you a choice. I'm gonna ask anyway. If you answer, that's up to you.

Tessie (18:20.814)
Go easy on me.

Diana (18:26.143)
When did you first feel that loneliness as a mom? Do you remember?

Tessie (18:32.174)
probably. I mean, so with my first, I was just so enamored with being a mother. Like I actually didn't care. I wanted to be around him and he was like my whole world, the light of my life and all of that. But like, I don't know. It was probably when he was an infant, maybe six months old that I realized like I'm just kind of hanging out with a baby all the time and

Like I have no friends and I don't talk to anybody. And I don't know. I guess it was like around then maybe. And then maybe like a year into it. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think it was right away necessarily, but maybe it was. I feel like it's so long ago.

Diana (19:09.065)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (19:23.477)
Do you feel that loneliness now?

Tessie (19:28.606)
No, I don't think I do. No. I'm never alone. No, I have found some really like I'm very like I said, particular. I have like a couple of you're one of them really good friends that I can like text and I can reach out to or I can call or that here in town we meet up. Like I have a friend that we meet up with almost every day or I can invite them over to my house like.

Diana (19:29.845)
because you're never alone.

Tessie (19:58.99)
It's nice, you know, but it took a long time to get there. It took multiple friendships and people moving or friendships not necessarily working out because we don't vibe or like our schedules don't really line up. That's the hard part with trying to like get together with other moms and kids is there. It's like the schedules, you know.

Diana (20:17.866)
Yeah.

Diana (20:24.873)
Yes. Nap time is very interfering.

Tessie (20:27.64)
But now, yeah, yeah, it is, it really is. I do feel like now that my kids are getting older, it's a little bit easier to be more flexible. What about you?

Diana (20:37.301)
Yeah.

I think early on, I had really bad postpartum depression, really, really bad. And it hit me fast. I think the hormones, the change of hormones for me, because I was on IVF hormones to get pregnant and then I was pregnant. And then the changes of hormone once you give birth really affected my brain. And I felt isolated very early on.

my in-laws were here when my daughter was born. And they were here for the first three weeks, I believe. Yeah, the first three weeks, they were with me. And they had to go home because they have lives, they have jobs. And it was time for them to go back to Georgia. And they were packed up. And I was trying to be so brave. They were packed up. They were about to head out to the airport. And I...

broke down, I was sobbing. I just broke down sobbing in my father-in-law's arms. I was his little girl, because I am his girl. But I was just bawling and I was just so scared. The crazy thing is that I wasn't going to be alone. I had my mother-in-law's sister coming up, my Aunt Debbie coming up, my husband's aunt coming up right behind them. Like literally.

My husband would drop off my in-laws at the airport and pick up my aunt Debbie. So there's no gap. But I was just so scared because in my head I felt like they were leaving and in my head I was thinking, when am I ever going to see them again? And the answer is, you know, in a few weeks, we already made those plans, but I just felt so alone. It was a very dark time for me.

Tessie (22:11.02)
Hahaha

Mm-hmm.

Tessie (22:30.318)
Yeah.

Tessie (22:33.624)
Yeah.

Diana (22:35.847)
It was very humbling how much I needed them because I wasn't physically able or emotionally able to care for my daughter. I was too afraid. I was too afraid of her. was too afraid of failing her. And so that was my first feeling of loneliness.

Tessie (22:45.39)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (22:53.996)
And then how long did that last? Like when did you feel like you got to the point where you weren't lonely anymore?

Diana (23:02.321)
Aunt Debbie stayed for another three weeks. She was only supposed to stay for two and she realized that I wasn't ready. So she extended her stay, thank goodness. It was after that, first six weeks when I physically was healed better than with my C-section that I was starting to be more independent. could, yeah, being able to go to the bathroom on my own or bathing myself was really important. Those are milestones for me at that point.

Tessie (23:22.456)
That helps, yeah.

Tessie (23:29.454)
you

Diana (23:31.475)
That's when I started feeling better and I realized in my head, you have to do this because suck it up. This is your baby. You have to do this because the help is here, but you have to stand up at this point. So I did, but it wasn't the postpartum went for a really long time. I did not enjoy really enjoy being a mom until I think six or seven months in.

Tessie (24:00.728)
for sure. Yeah, I don't think I bonded with my first baby, like really, until he was like six months old, really. Because, no, it might've been four months, but because of the whole breastfeeding thing and he had a tongue tie and my nipples were totally destroyed and they were painful every time that he nursed for four months. It was hard to, like that's hard to bond with somebody who's like chomping your nipples off.

Diana (24:05.353)
Really?

Really? wow.

Diana (24:29.077)
causing pain. Yeah.

Tessie (24:30.506)
multiple times a day. And then it wasn't until we finally got that clipped and then everything started healing and everything. So like I can relate to that, like multiple months feeling like you're not bonding with, you know, I feel I'm like, it still affects him, you know, like, but it probably doesn't. But yeah, I get that.

Diana (24:32.447)
Yep.

Diana (24:48.832)
Mm-hmm. It probably doesn't. He's great. He's amazing. But in our heads, that mom guilt, right? I thought, honestly, I did not know that about you and your oldest. I thought I was bananas. I was like, my depression is so bad. My hormones are all over the place. I felt very alone in that. And see, that's another thing that I felt very alone with, like, oh, it's just me. But again, see, you helped me.

Tessie (24:56.064)
Yeah.

Tessie (25:05.984)
Mm-mm.

Diana (25:17.359)
realize I'm not crazy

Tessie (25:20.136)
Yeah, I mean, it's hard when you all of a sudden have this human who's so demanding and gives you nothing. And like all they do is take, take, take, take, and they're so selfish and they don't care about you. And they're so demanding and they give you nothing. And it's like, what? But like, as they get older, they start giving you more, obviously. And so like,

Diana (25:44.479)
Right, you get so much more.

Tessie (25:46.58)
If you have subsequent kids, you actually understand that so that you don't have those same feelings with the subsequent kids because you know the reward is coming. know what I mean? But with the first one, how can you see what's down the road? You can't.

Diana (25:57.535)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (26:01.877)
Yeah, yeah, because you don't know, you don't know. It wasn't until I think my hormones balance it, because it was the breastfeeding for me. I was so, I was tied. I felt I was tied to her and the pump. Yes, my, it's true, it's true. And then once I stopped nursing, maybe my hormones evened out or maybe I was just in a better, whatever it was, but it was at that moment that I, that,

Tessie (26:10.702)
Mm hmm. Yeah. The ball and chain. That's what I call them. The ball and chain.

Tessie (26:23.63)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (26:28.937)
things started to turn around. And I still have moments where I feel isolated and alone, but I know how to handle it better. And I have a better system in place now because of experience and time.

Tessie (26:41.154)
Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I had a one friend who was like helping me understand that it's a baby. Like it's going to be just selfish. That's what they are. Like you can't have any expectations. And I am full of expectations of everything and everybody in life. Like I cannot not have expectations, even if they're totally unrealistic and ridiculous.

Diana (27:10.253)
I, and if you think evolutionarily, it makes sense. Like the babies who were not kind of like jerks and in your face and constantly needing you and getting your attention, they didn't survive. It's.

Tessie (27:21.324)
Yeah. Yeah, totally.

Diana (27:25.855)
So, you know, they can't help it. It's their job. They did it. They're doing it well.

Tessie (27:32.246)
Yeah, they are what they are and that's what it is.

Diana (27:34.069)
Exactly. Okay. So anyway, here's a number that I find crazy because on the average, US families pay nearly a thousand dollars a month for childcare. And in some states, infant care, which is always more expensive, can come up to 20. Yeah, because they're infants. They need more, right? Just like we said, they need more. Right. I didn't either until I thought about it. I was like,

Tessie (27:57.447)
I never thought of that. Okay.

Diana (28:02.037)
Oh yeah, because you need to change your diaper, you need to hold them, feed them, all that. They need more. Infant care can top up to $22,000 a year, which is more than college tuition.

Tessie (28:04.066)
makes sense.

Tessie (28:08.898)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (28:13.562)
gosh! my gosh! Wow!

Diana (28:17.973)
What? Right. OK. And OK, here's some more numbers. Get ready for this. Globally, the difference is incredibly stark. In France, families spend six to 10 percent of their income. Germany, as low as one percent because their government subsidizes everything. But here in America, families spend about 20 percent of their income and

Tessie (28:37.774)
Hmm.

Mm.

Diana (28:47.551)
For single moms, we've always said single moms are amazing because they spend nearly 40 % of their income on childcare. So isn't that insane. The system is broken. It's not moms.

Tessie (28:56.92)
Jeez.

Tessie (29:03.008)
Yeah, no, and it's because of our culture of like move out of the house, move far away from your family, everybody go do your thing. I think it's a very selfish culture in a way, like definitely and isolating obviously. so like, yeah, we do it to ourselves. Why do we do this? It's awful.

Diana (29:23.157)
Well, because society says so, that's what it means to grow up. But in a lot of ways, we are a capitalist society. And what generates more capital than people going out of the home, starting a life, renting an apartment, buying an apartment, buying a car, buying a house, all those things stimulate our economy and we are a capitalist economy. So it's not that you, you as a mom, you don't lack resilience.

Tessie (29:25.708)
Yeah.

Tessie (29:37.358)
True.

Tessie (29:45.367)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (29:52.041)
Let's reframe it. You lack support and that's a big difference. It's not the same thing.

Tessie (29:56.142)
And on top of that, you have all of these pressures to fit into that everything that you just said, like to be basically a productive quote unquote citizen in the society. And what does that mean? That means generating money like for the government, the society, for you know what I mean? And so, yeah, so it

Diana (30:10.869)
huh.

Diana (30:21.909)
for capitalist society, to pad everyone else's wallets.

Tessie (30:26.856)
Yes, it makes sense why like stay at home moms are so discouraged because like to them, we don't participate financially into the society.

Diana (30:37.621)
But let's change the conversation. So you and I are stay at home moms, right? So how do we as stay at home moms think about the cost of future childcare activities and schooling, all those things? How does that weigh on us? How does that pressure shape our day-to-day choices?

Diana (31:04.437)
Can I start with that one? The first one off the top of my head is college. College is stupid expensive. My sister did some number crunching the other day and to send my daughter to a private university for four years when she's ready to go to college will cost nearly $400,000. What in the world? So...

Tessie (31:04.62)
Well, yeah. Yeah.

Tessie (31:30.138)
my God. Ridiculous.

Diana (31:33.433)
The day she was born, I opened a 529 savings account for her. And so I'm diverting funds that I currently can be using for things like diapers and at the time formula and all those things, or even things like for my self care or even my basic care, I'm diverting it to her future. And little things like we still drive our very old beat up 2012 Subaru that has no air conditioning.

Tessie (31:38.53)
That's smart.

Tessie (31:59.022)
God. Yeah, totally.

Diana (32:00.687)
and makes a funny rattling noise down as we go down the road instead of having a car payment, right? So that's how that's those are two things that just popped into my head.

Tessie (32:13.068)
Yeah, when I think about this, I'm like, so our society really tries to push mothers into putting our babies into child care because that also is like a contributing factor to the capitalist society, you know, and putting us at work. So then we're paying like income taxes and we're contributing to that part. But.

when you really think about it, okay, I am one person and I'm a stay at home mom of soon to be four boys, okay? So if you think about, if I'm raising four men to be contributing society members, which the men are the ones that if you're a stay at home mom, they're the ones that go out and make the money and work and all that.

Like what I'm doing is like multiplying what I could ever be doing by myself. Exponentially. So I'm actually contributing in a way higher percentage than I could be if you know what I mean? Like, because I'm raising like well adjusted children who are going to be more productive, less likely, I hope to God to be just like.

Diana (33:09.429)
huge. Exponentially, exponentially.

Tessie (33:31.576)
doing drugs or, you know, like just rifting off society or something, you know what I mean? Yeah, like more, they're in a stable loving home with a mother who is like always there. They're probably gonna be more productive citizens when they become men than they would be if I wasn't there for them. That's so huge.

Diana (33:36.597)
Being degenerate, basically.

Diana (33:50.633)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it is. It is. When you reframe it in those perspectives, that's massive. Because what can these children, not just your sons, but your daughter too, what is she capable of? She's going to go out. She's going to go out. She can start her own business. She can start her own whatever, whatever she wants to do. The world is her oyster and she can contribute so much more than what you can.

Tessie (34:01.503)
Massive.

Tessie (34:07.406)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (34:11.842)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (34:17.282)
Yeah.

Diana (34:20.809)
do because there's five of them and only one of you. The numbers add up.

Tessie (34:22.179)
Yeah.

Tessie (34:25.614)
I know, it's so true. Like I've never even thought about it like that until today and I'm like, wow, I'm contributing so much more to society than I ever thought.

Diana (34:41.209)
I am contributing, there's only one, but she has very fine taste. So my daughter is a car girl. She loves vehicles. And the other day we were at the grocery store and we're crossing the parking lot to go to the grocery store. She goes, mommy, Porsche. I said, what? And right there pulling up was a Porsche. And I'm like, my gosh, she recognized that? And so my contribution as a stay at home mother,

Tessie (34:58.538)
No.

Tessie (35:03.222)
Wow.

Diana (35:10.247)
to society is that my daughter has finer taste.

Tessie (35:14.088)
Yeah, she'll be spending a lot of money. a lot of her daddy's money.

Diana (35:19.657)
Daddy's money, it's my money.

Tessie (35:21.134)
Ha

Tessie (35:25.454)
I seriously always joke about this, like my husband insisted I get like a Honda van, you know? And I'm like, okay. And then my daughter is gonna be like, I want a pink Tesla or I want a pink Mercedes. And he's gonna all his practicality is gonna go out the window and he's gonna get her whatever she wants.

Diana (35:31.701)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (35:47.285)
That sounds about right, girl dad, right?

Tessie (35:48.75)
for me and for her whatever she wants. I know it's gonna be great. I actually love that for her. I feel like that's like so awesome for her.

Diana (35:52.861)
Little princess, his little princess.

Diana (36:02.069)
they have to earn it, right? That's how I'm going to say, oh, you want your first car to be fancy, you got to earn it. Oh, you have to pay for your own gas. Oh, wait, there might not be gas. It might be all electric. I'm going to have to rethink this. I always said that my daughter's first car is going to be a Hummer because they're huge and they're gas guzzling and that she has to pay for her own gas. And heaven forbid, if something happens, she'll walk away, you know, because they're tank. But

Tessie (36:08.75)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (36:21.205)
yes!

Hahaha.

Tessie (36:29.322)
Yes, yes.

Diana (36:31.401)
there may not be gas. So I have to rethink my plans.

Tessie (36:34.222)
I know I do always tell my husband to him like we're gonna we're gonna get her like the safest like most expensive car and then he's like no we're gonna get her an old Ford pickup truck that's like made out of steel like pure steel and I'm like she is not gonna want to drive that.

Diana (36:49.552)
Yeah.

Diana (36:55.507)
I one time said, I'm just going to get her a school bus. And my husband said, no, it's going to be a party bus then. So don't do that! I'm like, yeah, that's a good idea.

Tessie (36:58.19)
No!

Tessie (37:03.408)
yeah, you gotta get like a two door. Two seater, even better. I know it's so dangerous.

Diana (37:06.845)
A one-seater? No, one-seater. I don't want anyone in the car with her.

Okay, anyway, we digress. So how can we rebuild the village from scratch? So we just agree that the system is broken, right? But that doesn't mean we have to give up on connection. Sometimes we have to build our own version of a village, a modern village. So how can we do that?

Tessie (37:31.278)
Mm-hmm. Well, you know what one of my favorite things in the world is, is MOPs. I love MOPs, Mothers of Preschoolers. It's actually like a national organization. And it's really nice because they typically do it out of churches, but I've gone to like so many of these and they have volunteers. You can drop your kids off at the little child care right next door.

And then you can go and have like connections with your moms, like other moms that are going through the same thing. I love that. I, I, think that's like really fun, but like it's only in cities for the most part or bigger towns. There's definitely not one here where I live, but you know, it doesn't have to be perfect. We can find ways to connect. Like meet moms at the park. this podcast, obviously we can connect through this and.

Diana (38:02.645)
Aww.

That's great.

Diana (38:13.662)
Aww.

Diana (38:23.829)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Tessie (38:28.172)
We can find different ways. I don't know, what do you think?

Diana (38:29.685)
It doesn't have to be like what's established, like our grandmother's villages or anything like that, but it can be virtual, like what we do here. Or what I love is going to play places or going to mom's groups, going to anywhere where there are kids. You just try to open up and make friends, right?

Tessie (38:40.664)
yeah, true.

Tessie (38:51.246)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. And if your kids like somebody, then you try to like foster that or foster a relationship with the mother if you can.

Diana (39:02.013)
Yeah, you know, and even if your kids don't like each other, that's okay, because you as a woman, you can make your own friends. So it doesn't have to just be, you know, childcare or anything child centered. You can do like a meal swap. Like if you have a friend who's not feeling well, bring them a meal. Your neighbor, right? I have a friend who's pregnant. And the first thing I asked her was, what meal can I bring you? Because I remember thinking food is everything.

Tessie (39:18.882)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (39:27.328)
Yeah. Yeah. And it's so great. I think that if you can, you should move closer to family if your family is not psychotic. But anyways, yeah, if your family is willing to help.

Diana (39:41.949)
if you like your family enough.

But there's also a whole thing with chosen family, right? I think that's so much more important because these are the people you choose. You're not blood bound. You don't have to because you grew up with them or anything like that, but because you actually like them. But I we can use a lot of technology. So I think like going to play dates or

Tessie (39:50.123)
Yeah, that too.

Tessie (39:57.164)
I'm sorry.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Diana (40:15.33)
or story times and meeting moms and just starting like a text chain or something like that with a few moms together. I think that's one way to do it.

Tessie (40:22.412)
Yeah, group chats. I used to be in a few of those and those are awesome. Or like trade childcare hours. Just one hour can be like, yeah, like life changing.

Diana (40:27.505)
Mm-hmm. I love that.

Diana (40:36.373)
To just breathe, to get something to eat. mean, that's everything. What else? Online communities like us, you know, the park. mm-hmm. I've met a lot of friends at the park. And it's funny because one of my really good friends, the way she and I met is because her daughter and my daughter saw each other in the distance and they yelled,

Tessie (40:42.11)
Yeah, yeah.

Tessie (40:46.676)
Obviously the park, yeah, online.

Tessie (40:52.791)
Mm-hmm.

Diana (41:03.861)
and ran towards each other, but they never knew each other. They didn't know each other at the time, and now they're besties. And her mom and I are good friends too. She's part of my community, she's part of my village.

Tessie (41:05.614)
Wow, that's cute.

Wow.

Tessie (41:18.67)
It's also important if you're feeling isolated or if you're feeling like you're having a hard time like making friends or having a village or whatever, like you really got to put yourself out there. You have to be the one that invites the other moms to the park or that reaches out or that asks for the phone number or like don't be shy about it. And also don't wait for the other moms to do it because they might be like waiting for you.

Diana (41:48.703)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (41:48.78)
So I think it's really important that if this is something that you're struggling with, like isolation or loneliness, take that extra step and like get out of your comfort zone. It's huge.

Diana (42:03.829)
It's really important. It's interesting because it's hard for some people to do that, right? For me, I'll talk to anyone basically and I'll be the one to ask for a phone number. But to me, I don't like it. But at the same time, I'm like, well, I don't want to say what the what if, know, what if she and I could have become friends or something like that. So I'm like, I'll just eliminate that. And if she says, no, I don't want to. OK, that's on her. I tried, you know.

Tessie (42:10.528)
Yeah. Yeah.

I know, same.

Yeah, same.

Tessie (42:27.971)
Yeah.

Tessie (42:32.8)
Yeah, this is the thing. I'm like a very much like a yes man type. Have you ever seen that movie with Jim Carrey? I think it's called The Yes Man. And I love that concept and I am very much like that too. I'm like, will literally say yes to most anything, right? But also if you are like a mother who's like struggling with isolation and loneliness and stuff and then you have moms who reach out to you, like reciprocate that.

Diana (42:40.211)
Yes, I think so.

Diana (42:50.101)
Her?

Tessie (43:02.284)
Don't like go into your own isolation still. Like if there's somebody reaching out to you, it's probably because they like you and they want to spend time with you. And then if you're not like reciprocating, they're not going to continue to do that forever, probably most likely, you know, and then then that like opportunity could completely be lost. like take advantage of hold on to the opportunities that come your way because you never know where that's going to lead.

Diana (43:18.92)
you

Diana (43:32.669)
Right. think Oprah says it best about luck. It's opportunity meets preparedness. That's what Oprah calls it. And I love that because anything can be a lucky opportunity. That's I think it's fun. So is there any place unexpected that you found your village, your tribe?

Tessie (43:40.844)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Tessie (43:54.177)
Um, I mean, I met one of my good friends here at the pool. I guess I didn't expect that. But like we met at the pool. It's like, uh, it's a, it's a pool where majority of the people who go there are like weekenders in our town. And it's not really like the locals that go to this pool. And so guess I just assumed that she was a weekender that she didn't live here. You know, so we talked and everything.

Diana (44:00.305)
You

Tessie (44:23.31)
And then we both like talked about this, like we ran into each other at the story time at the library, like a couple of weeks later or something. And we were both surprised that we lived here. You know, we both had that thought. Yeah. And so I just like blossomed from there.

Diana (44:34.229)
You thought the same thing. Yeah.

Diana (44:40.401)
Mm-hmm. I think that's amazing. It's when you least expect it, right?

Tessie (44:45.582)
Yeah, and then I also have another friend that I met her at one of my boys activities and she was just a mom that was there with her kids. And I never like go to my kids activities thinking that I'm just gonna like make friends. You know, it's not like a goal in my mind, you know? And so that was a fun one.

Diana (45:09.494)
I think you and I met at the black and white gala. I was not expecting that! Exactly.

Tessie (45:12.823)
yeah, we met at a gala in a ball gown.

That's so true.

Diana (45:18.549)
Yeah.

Completely random. I find my village in the weirdest places, like really anywhere. Like I could be, like the other day I was at my hairstylist because I finally got my hair colored. Finally made plans to do that. Yay. And it worked out. this lady was just so nice and kind and she's older. And it turns out she's an older mom too. It turns out she and I, gave birth around the same age. she, like I said, her son is grown and everything.

Tessie (45:22.967)
Yeah.

Tessie (45:48.44)
Wow.

Diana (45:51.401)
But we totally connected on that. And I was like, I feel so good because someone else related to you. And it's just random. And I maybe at a hairstylist, you expect to talk to people. I don't know. I wasn't expecting I was going there to get my hair done and that's it. And I ended up making a new friend and that was just so nice.

Tessie (46:12.492)
Yeah, that's nice. You know, I've had like friendships rekindle from like decades ago where so I have friends and they're much older than me, but I knew them like we knew each other back when I like literally 20 years ago. But in me having kids and them like wanting to connect with my kids and stuff like our friendships have gotten stronger.

or like we reconnected over that. So that was fun.

Diana (46:43.893)
Yeah, that's a lot of fun. I recently reconnected with someone in high school. She and I weren't very close in high school, but we went to the same high school. was very, very small. And she has a couple of kids and they're all older than mine. But through motherhood and through our phones, and actually it was through Instagram, we DM'd each other and she and I are talking now more than we ever did before in high school. And I think that's just so cool.

Tessie (46:46.135)
Yeah.

Tessie (47:09.824)
Yeah. Yeah, you know what's interesting about my like village of friends? It evolves over time. Like there's like certain periods of time where I will one friend in particular will be texting every day, you know? And then after a while, it's like a different friend than we're like texting every day. It's like.

Diana (47:28.661)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (47:36.558)
It like evolves over time. I don't know. That's how it's been for me.

Diana (47:41.695)
But isn't that's just life in general, right? That's all of our connections. It changes over time and hopefully, and ebbs and flows. It's normal.

Tessie (47:44.205)
Yeah.

Tessie (47:48.052)
It does.

Tessie (47:51.67)
And you have to be okay with that too, like you can't be rigid about it. You gotta be okay with, okay, well I'm not as close with this person anymore like I used to be, but I'm close with this one. And that's all blessing too.

Diana (48:03.603)
Yeah, so our village or our tribe, our group doesn't have to be this fixed thing that we know of in the past. It can be fluid and we can rebuild it. So if you ever felt alone, just hear this, you're not failing. The village isn't gone. It just has to be rebuilt somehow.

Tessie (48:12.654)
Mm-hmm.

Tessie (48:23.094)
Yeah, and go with the flow. feel like that is what motherhood is anyways, is like going with the flow. you you have to be open. You know how you'll plan like an entire day and nothing will go the way that you planned because your children will mess it up. And I feel like that's the same. It's the same thing that happens with your village or at least mine. It like ebbs and flows. It grows. It shrinks. It changes.

Diana (48:38.84)
yeah.

Tessie (48:52.334)
Friends come and go and like you gotta just be open to what it is and just go with it. Just go with the flow, right?

Diana (48:59.071)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And all you need is one mom who can say, I get it. I get it. That's all you need, right? That's opening line. So here's our challenge today. Tag a mom friend who's been your village or maybe one who needs a village in the comments or on our Instagram at POMCAST. That's P-O-M-C-A-S-T-S. The more we say me too, the stronger our village becomes. Thanks for listening.

Tessie (49:06.638)
Mm hmm. Yep.

Tessie (49:28.76)
See you next time, bye.

Diana (49:31.081)
Bye.