E-9-Grief, God, and Guitar: Navigating Loss with Friends

Raw, unfiltered, and straight from an abandoned hospital in Chillicothe, Texas comes one of our most emotionally charged conversations yet. This episode strips away pretense as we navigate the complex terrain of grief, faith, and finding meaning after devastating loss.

Fresh from attending a funeral, we dive into the uncomfortable realities of how we process death differently. Zach courageously shares his ongoing journey through grief after losing his children, exposing the anger, spiritual questioning, and daily battles that persist long after others expect healing to have occurred. His candid admission—"I get angry at God"—despite being what he calls "a 100 percenter" in his faith, creates space for listeners wrestling with similar contradictions.

The conversation takes a turn toward the isolating aspects of profound grief, particularly how social interactions become complicated when well-meaning people don't know what to say. "Don't ask me how I've been," Zach suggests, highlighting the impossible choice between honesty that makes others uncomfortable or platitudes that feel dishonest to one's experience.

What truly sets this episode apart is the music. Throughout our discussion, Zach performs several soul-stirring songs including "Peace in the Valley" and "Amazing Grace," each triggering palpable shifts in the emotional atmosphere. These musical interludes demonstrate what words alone cannot express—the therapeutic power of artistic expression amid overwhelming pain.

Throughout it all runs a thread of genuine friendship and the understanding that healing isn't about returning to who we were before loss, but finding ways to carry our grief while still creating moments of meaning. As one poignant exchange reveals: "We don't want to be remembered, we just don't want to be forgotten." Listen, reflect, and perhaps find some comfort in knowing you're not alone in your darkest moments.

Transcript

Funeral Reflections

Zack 0:42

And with those baby blue eyes and that smile that's mine. This year, well, she turned three. You better grab a hold of something, oh something, rather, hold you and don't ask a question if you can't take the truth, cause it might be a question, and you can't take the truth Because it might be a reflection of you. I said it might be a reflection of you Coming to.

Bucky 1:19

You live from the old, abandoned Chillicothe Hospital in Chillicothe, texas, are we recording.

Zack 1:26

Yeah, Okay so this is the B the. E and the Z coming to you from an abandoned haunted hospital, so we went to a funeral today.

Bucky 1:42

Yeah.

Zack 1:43

That was I know man, that was terrible.

Bucky 1:45

I mean, it wasn't terrible. No, I mean, I know, man, that was.

Zack 1:47

Yeah, I mean, it wasn't terrible. No, I mean, you know it was yeah but uh, uh, man, the funerals don't do me right, you know if I'm not singing it one day because I can sing it. I can sing it anybody's, I don't care hey sing it mine.

Bucky 2:02

I will, if I'm right, we talked about that man, but. But the thing is I want you at mine for sure.

Zack 2:08

I can block myself, I can block it out. Yeah, I mean, I just can do it when it's just music.

Bucky 2:14

But if I have to sit there it's man, you can play a whole concert at mine.

Zack 2:20

Dude, you can play like four songs, I'll be all right. You tell them my leg was bouncing, boy, I'm telling you right now I know, I know, I know, it was tough. It ain't that man.

Bucky 2:31

No, it is man yeah.

Zack 2:34

But you know, it's like when they go, he was preceded in death by, or he preceded in death to, you know, talk about all his kids and grandkids and all that shit and how he loved his grandkids and all that stuff. It's a great thing and he did. Don't get me wrong, but I just get so mad, yeah, I mean, I get mad, I get angry, I get angry at God, I mean, but there's no reason to be angry at God, I mean but there's no reason.

Zack 3:04

But I mean I get angry and I've been letting it go. I mean I mean you know I shouldn't, it shouldn't be that way. But especially, you know I'm 100 percent, I'm 100 percenter. You know it is what it is. I believe, I believe 100 percent, so, but I'm still for me to be somebody that can say that I'm a hundred percent and that I mean that's one of the questions I'll ask you is do you believe in god? You know, when I first meet you, you know what I'm saying. Uh, it's all about how many souls you can bring to you know, it's what we're here for. But for me to be that way and that to happen, man, it's like a Still going to have a personal struggle.

Earl 3:52

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

Bucky 3:53

Yeah, you can help somebody else easily but yourself.

Zack 3:56

It's always harder.

Earl 3:58

Because you have that feeling of anger, jealousy, like you say. Those are human. I mean it's a matter of well, kind of like not dealing with, but not even like distracting and putting it out of your head. Like you said, there's still other ways. Hey, that works for a while, don't it For a minute? But I mean there's also other things to move on. In a way, I mean none of the words fit it. You know I'm a firm believer.

Zack 4:23

I'm a firm believer. I'm a firm believer, so I mean, it's like you know that, how you gonna let that, how you gonna do that, let that, allow that to happen to me well, I think some people aren't even gonna say that you know what I mean.

Earl 4:34

Some people just gonna twist off and just let you know what I mean you know.

Zack 4:37

But what I'm saying, that's how I mean, that's me right now, that's how I feel. That's what I'm angry about.

Earl 4:42

I'm angry about but you're coming back to that base. Like you say you don't got that, you already know something different. Like you say it's just hard to find that spot personally. Well, I mean.

Zack 4:51

I'm good if I'm talking about him, but it's just the night I have time to sit there, have to be quiet and listen to. Yeah, you know it's envy, jealousy, it's a bunch of things. You know it's anger, uh, and that's my go-to in this, you know it's not. Yeah, anything that makes me even cry, it makes me mad, you know what I'm saying so.

Zack 5:11

Uh, it's just, it's a situation and I know I'm not the only mother out there that's had a loss like that and feels like they got the raw end of the deal and you know how could this happen. Yeah, but it is a I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I mean, if we went into war with somebody, I would not wish that on my worst enemy. There's no explaining, there's no understanding the loss, the pain, the anger there's, just you can't explain it. I mean there's no words for the daily battle. I mean it is a daily battle.

Earl 5:55

Yeah, I mean, oh my God. Well, it's a constant battle.

Anger, Faith, and Personal Struggles

Zack 5:58

I'm sure, and you know, I'm sure people get tired of it. I don't talk about it much really, I just, but you know, then you have people.

Earl 6:05

Well, that's because you don't know what to expect from people, huh.

Zack 6:08

Oh yeah, some people like will look at you like you're still upset about that. You know, or you know, and I'm a. I punch you right in your mouth. Say what you're thinking. You know, that's what I'm, just they may not even be thinking that.

Zack 6:19

You know. But you know it's when people come up to you and say, ask you, ask you how you been, and but before you could even answer they're already talking about something else or you know how you been doing. I said you know. Well, you know I'm here and just turn around and go.

Earl 6:35

You know what I'm saying they trick quick to get away once yeah, they didn't really want to ask me that you know, I don't know.

Zack 6:41

Well, I probably hey, that's just a normal thing to say yeah.

Bucky 6:45

When you see somebody like hey, what are you doing? How are you doing, Earl? And that you know. Sometimes you don't want to know, but you say that that's just how we greet people.

Zack 6:52

I can understand how you feel that shit, that you know what I'm not. I love everybody that asked me about it, but you know the best thing for people to stop doing is just don't ask me about it. Yeah, don't ask me how I've been. Uh don't ask me, you know, because uh don't make me lie to you.

Earl 7:11

I mean I can lie to you right. I know it's hard to say, oh great, wonderful, I'm doing fine, or even anything, any of the fine.

Zack 7:17

You don't ask me no questions. I won't tell you no lies. I mean, it's hard to be honest. Yeah, shit, you know some people you got to act like you're strong for so they don't fall in a rabbit hole, true. But uh, yeah, true, aggravation is just it's building up. I guess it could still matter better right now, but uh, it's uh. You know, it'd probably help if I talked to somebody about it besides us but I'm not gonna happen.

Bucky 7:45

yeah, well, that's more than nothing. Yeah you can. I mean, it's a different thing, Well, there's different people to talk to.

Zack 7:52

I mean y'all are great. I mean, because y'all say this, I mean I can't even imagine, you know, and it's just you don't want to. You know, because you got to really think about it, man. Here, you got to really think about it, man. Here's my deal, here's my dilemma. My dilemma is this that not only did I lose both my children, I lost my future, my, you know, because most people have kids and their kids have kids.

Zack 8:18

You get to see your grandkids and you get to raise your grandkids better, you do your your own kids and then you have your kids that take care of you. When you get old, I'm gonna be one of them. That's an old corner, you know, and got shit because you know a damn string going this way I ain't never gonna have any money, uh. So you know, you know what I'm saying and money.

Bucky 8:37

I mean money about money, but it does help. It does help, but the thing is, you gotta have something. I know, so you know what I'm saying who's gonna who's?

Zack 8:44

but think about it, man, I know. So you know what I'm saying. Who's going to? But think about it, man. My parents will be gone, you know. And then who am I supposed to expect to? Who's going to come check on me when maybe they ain't see me in a couple of days?

Earl 8:56

Yeah, yeah, well, I don't know, you don't know that too. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I know that's an expectation.

Zack 9:04

But I mean as far as, Because when I get old y'all are going to be older than me, so y'all are. You know what I'm saying.

Earl 9:08

You know what I mean? I'm just kidding, but you know what I mean. Well, we never can believe whatever somebody tells our future to be, in a way. I mean, I'm not saying.

Zack 9:14

I need to die young. Well listen, but I need to, you know I'm not saying that.

Earl 9:24

Well, that's probably why you won't.

Bucky 9:24

I'm not saying kill me.

Zack 9:26

Exactly, but I'm saying that I don't want to. If I live to be 65, I'm going to be a mad Bleep. That out. Chris Love, I'm going to be mad. I mean, people want to live long lives when they have shit to live for. I suppose.

Bucky 9:44

I mean that's yeah yeah yeah, and you can't.

Zack 9:45

It is the truth, man. When and when you really ain't got, you can have all the money in the world if you ain't got nobody to spend that shit with. Yeah, you know it's. It's just a, it's a, it's a terrible realization like see what it's it's.

Zack 9:59

It's a terrible thing to have to realize that, hey, man, everything that you know when they were, when my kids were alive, it's. I didn't think enough about what I was living for. I was always music, or you know, or something. You know what I'm saying living for another day but instead of future.

Finding Purpose After Loss

Zack 10:19

In a way, you thought there was a different future I mean, if I could have, if I could have them back there, well them back. Their lives would not even be close to the same. I mean it would be so, so much different. So I mean I'll sing at anybody's funeral. If I had a concert to go play, or somebody asked me to do, I would do a funeral. It's an honor, but I just can't hardly sit at home.

Earl 10:46

Yeah Well, there's different kinds of funerals, too Like.

Zack 10:50

I said that wasn't a bad one.

Earl 10:51

I mean, no, that's what I mean, Like I said, that's the thing that bothered you, though he did live a long life and he had all these things, yeah he had a great life, for whatever.

Bucky 11:06

I ain't saying why there's different people. He was blessed beyond his Beyond measure. Yeah, I mean he had. I believe.

Earl 11:09

Yeah, I think so in a lot of ways. Yeah, because a lot of. How many people?

Zack 11:12

Married 60 years. Oh, he's kind of sudden surprised. That's the way to go.

Earl 11:21

Fucking tomorrow 60,. That was crazy.

Bucky 11:23

That is crazy yeah, but that's you know. But yeah, no, the way it passed.

Earl 11:25

Yeah, as far as not looking at it coming at you for five, ten years.

Zack 11:28

I don't want that at all. And being sick going downhill. So I mean I try to find things to look forward to. So you know, that's why I said that I don't want to be famous. I want to write something or do something where everybody remembers the girls for. But the thing is, or I need to have a purpose.

Bucky 11:52

Oh, you got purpose, come on, no Well hey, I wrote this down earlier.

Earl 11:56

You can't just immediately know that Because there's something I heard at that.

Bucky 11:59

It's like we all, we don't want to be remembered. We just don't want to be forgotten.

Zack 12:05

That's exactly right.

Bucky 12:07

You know, I remember me and Earl you was talking about that Like, yeah, we don't want to be remembered, we just don't want to be forgotten. And the same way we like to say, Zach, with your girls.

Earl 12:17

Yeah.

Bucky 12:18

You know you don't want them forgotten, because other people you're never going to forget, because they're yours, you're the closest, but other people forget. Oh shit, yeah, you know what I mean.

Earl 12:32

Or you forget certain things. Yeah, they just forget.

Zack 12:33

Like, oh, that yeah, okay, so I have a defense mechanism because even before, just from loss okay or anything if something that hurts me, I will block that shit out, and so it is.

Zack 12:49

It's a it's a self it's a self defense mode and so because if it hurts you constantly, your mind will start fucking looking for ways to block that shit out. So you start to lose a little bit of things you know. It's like you know exactly what they sounded like or smelled, or you know. So now it's been long enough. Now that shit's just going to Fading away. Fading away, yep.

Bucky 13:27

That's what happens over time with people thoughts, memories and you know that's what I wrote. I wrote that down like we don't remember, we just don't want to be forgotten. So how do we, how do we do that? How do we try to not be forgotten?

Zack 13:44

well, I mean, it's why some people, some people want to be stars, right.

Bucky 13:52

That's how they want to be remembered. They want to be so big, like when you say their name.

Zack 13:56

Michael Jordan.

Bucky 13:57

Michael Jackson or Michael Jordan, everybody knows.

Zack 14:00

Michael Jordan, for sure, everybody, michael.

Bucky 14:03

Jackson Michael.

Zack 14:04

Jordan, yeah, so that's how some people want to do all that to not be forgotten.

Bucky 14:05

You know everybody, michael Jackson, michael Jordan, yeah, I mean. So that's how some people want to do all that to not be forgotten. You know, look at.

Zack 14:11

Babe Ruth. You see what I'm saying. She'll never be forgotten.

Bucky 14:14

Or they want to do something that changes the world. But people here in Chillicothe Texas Chillicothe, texas are going to be forgotten. When they're gone, maybe their family lives on, or part of their family, like you gotten. When they're gone, well, maybe their family lives on or part of their family, like you know, all our families are here, so you know, when our parents are gone, are we going to be the family that carries on and what are we going to do here? That's there's. That's another thing, you see what I'm saying, that's another thing that I get pissed off.

Zack 14:44

You know what I'm saying and get mad about you know it's just. Yeah, I'll be. You know that's just what it is.

Earl 14:51

That's your head thinking about it, though that's a fucking.

Zack 14:54

Yeah.

Earl 14:54

I mean that's hard to get away from, but no you can't get away from it yeah, but you wouldn't have thought you'd be in a situation like this. You couldn't conceive that before you couldn't conceive that before.

Zack 15:04

Oh no, you know what I mean. But the thing is, you know that's not necessarily true either, because I'm going to tell you right now, I had a dream about it. I mean years before it happened.

Music as Healing Medicine

Zack 15:19

It's like a fear. There is a fear, yeah, but there's a difference between fear and you know there's a constant fear and then there's a uh. Wake you up middle night dream. Yeah, and my mom is my mom, isn't? My mom used to wake me up in the middle night and say something's wrong with your dad, get dressed and wait for the telephone call. I mean, that is no shit. So, uh, it's uh. Uh. You start thinking about shit. You could have done different All sorts of shit you never stop.

Earl 15:49

Yeah, that's right. I never thought there's no end, so here's the deal.

Zack 15:54

No, I just need to just say all that shit. I ain't trying to say that and shit or to get everybody to listen to. You know this old, sad Look at this mother, listen to this fucking cry baby. Yeah, you know. You know what I mean. I ain't trying to be, and that's the one thing you don't want to be remembered for. Oh, you walk in Because I can walk in Walmart and people look at you like damn.

Zack 16:14

Same way I would look at lost both his kids. I'd be like God damn it, don't look, don't, look, don't say yeah, yeah ain't nothing like it. Ain't nothing like it. No, that's yeah. I've been stuck. I've been stuck right. That's aggravating the shit out of me too well that's the word ain't stuck. Yeah, it's a place that you're stuck. I'm trying. I can't get away from writing sad shit or writing about that, it's just.

Bucky 16:46

But hey, me and Earl, okay. So we thought about this, the funeral, and it's like man, it was tough and it would have been way cooler if you was up there playing them songs. But hey what? I always start thinking how about we ask Zach to play them when he comes tonight? Because when you play songs like that, I feel like it does change the mood. I think it changes your mood. Yeah, I mean, I mean, you know what I mean.

Zack 17:26

I really think, if you play that, are you still going to be as mad? I mean?

Bucky 17:30

I don't know. I don't know, I'm asking. That's why I'm asking.

Zack 17:33

I actually have a song that when I get mad I usually and it's a hymn that I usually play.

Bucky 17:44

Yeah, so sometimes do you do. I mean, you've got to find something that helps the smallest amount, whether it be a drink, I mean. I'm just saying a pill. I mean, you know like we've got to take vitamins, because you know you drink as much as I do. You've got to take vitamins. That's what I'm saying. Like we're deficient on some things. So in our old age we get deficient in these certain chemicals in our bodies and then we just go crashing down.

Zack 18:17

You know, that amazing grace, my chains are gone, that I do.

Bucky 18:22

Yeah.

Zack 18:23

You know I made that. I took that song and made it that well, we was talking about that.

Bucky 18:28

Your mom and dad did that too on a couple versions of different songs back in the day yeah, I was sitting in the.

Zack 18:37

I was sitting in the shop with my brother, my brother shane, and started playing. Of course it's a little different now than it was when I did it well, you have to go, but uh yeah, it is a that's it's powerful.

Bucky 18:52

I mean, that is powerful yeah, and that's why I was like I told her. I said I'm asking to play it or something, something. Because I mean like say, it don't matter what kind of mood you're in, I feel like it lifts your spirits. Well, it does. I mean that's all it does, there's no way around it. I mean, when you go to church sometimes that's how you feel.

Zack 19:13

Go to a P Diddy party.

Bucky 19:15

Well, your spirits don't get lifted.

Zack 19:17

You get taken down, spirits get pulled down.

Bucky 19:21

You forget about them, spirits, because you don't see nothing.

Earl 19:24

Oh boy.

Bucky 19:25

It's dark in there in the P Diddy party. You might hear somebody, but you'll never see nobody yeah you don't know who it is back there, but somebody's back there. Yeah, I'd be screaming.

Zack 19:38

Who's back?

Zack 19:38

there.

Bucky 19:39

Oh man, Get off from back there.

Zack 19:41

You know how many people woke up from a P Diddy party and said man, I had the worst dream. I turned around and looked and realized they're still there.

Bucky 19:46

I had the worst dream. You turn around and look and realize they're still there. Yeah, like damn it, that is just what I imagined. Oh goodness Boy, I'm glad I never was one of them.

Zack 19:53

Uh-uh Woo. They wouldn't have to worry about recording me, I would record it myself. This is my Uncle, jake, which could play anything what's his favorite song is probably one of my favorite songs, for sure.

Bucky 20:08

It's going to be everybody's favorite after you play it. That's nice.

Zack 20:23

Well, I'm so tired and so weary. But I must go along to the Lord. He calls me away to where the morning's so bright and the lamb is the light and the night is as fair as the day, the night is as fair as the day and there'll be peace in the valley for me someday. There'll be peace in this valley for me, lord. I pray there'll be no sadness, no sorrows, no troubles. I'll see There'll be peace in this valley for me, where the bear will be gentle and the wolves.

Zack 21:22

They'll be tame and the lion shall lay by the land, and the lion shall lay by the lamb, and then the beast from the wild Be led by a child and I'll be changed From this creature that I am and there'll be peace in the valley For me someday. There'll be peace in this valley for me, lord, I pray There'll be no sadness, no sorrows, no troubles. I'll see, there'll be peace in this valley for me. There'll be no sadness, no sorrows, no troubles. I'll see, cause there'll be peace in this valley for me, lord, for me Someday. For me, lord, for me someday.

Earl 22:38

You can play that one at my funeral too.

Bucky 22:40

Yeah, damn right, that's a good one, wow.

Zack 22:43

Yeah.

Bucky 22:45

What a yes, sir. That was pretty good. Can't go wrong with music. I did hear some feedbacks. Every time you pick up that guitar, it's like oh, on the yeah Podcast. Yeah, you know, music does stuff to people.

Zack 23:07

Might have to get away from. This one Got to be too hard on it, too hot. This one Got to be too hard on him, too hot on him. He said be too hard on him. What, yeah, he took that 16-day pill.

Bucky 23:19

Wait four hours you want to get on the stool. What do you want?

Zack 23:22

to do this will be hard. I just don't need those. Yeah, this is. I have a. I have a list of people that are supposed to sing at their funeral.

Bucky 23:34

Just because this song right here no, I probably wanted that mine then they want to do it too, though I don't even care what mine do, that won't. It won't matter, I'll be. I liked it, make it work.

Zack 23:48

It sounded good to me so the waves in grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me, like me, cause I once Was lost. But now. Well, I'm found and I was blind.

Zack 24:47

But, now.

Zack 24:49

Well, I see. It was grace that taught my heart to fear, to fear and grace my fear relieved.

Songwriting Through Pain

Zack 25:21

How precious did he get? That grace appeared near him. That grace appeared the hour I first believed. My chains are gone and I've been set free. My Lord, my Savior. He's ransomed me Like a flood His mercy, rains, unending love, amazing grace. And when we've been there ten thousand years, bright, shining and the sun, there's no less days To sing God's praise. Then, when we first Begone, as my chains Are gone and I've been Set free, lord, my and I've been set free, lord, my Savior. He's ransomed me Like a flood. His mercy, rains, unending love, amazing grace. And like a flood, his mercy and light the floor. His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace, amazing grace. How sweet the sound.

Bucky 28:53

Yeah, hell yeah, badass. You can play that at my funeral twice if you want. I don't give a damn. Yes, that's a good one. Yes, sir, yep man, I feel that, oh yeah, gotta you got to.

Zack 29:14

You don't feel that you ain't alive yeah, uh, don't ask me how I've been hey, you should.

Bucky 29:20

Uh, you got a song about that, don't you? Maybe I'm trying to.

Zack 29:24

I just can't, I can't do it oh, yeah, you have.

Bucky 29:26

Yeah, you can't get it out, or what you can't get it out.

Zack 29:29

It's like being constipated.

Zack 29:30

You can't get that hey, I got pills for that, oh well I've been down, found the bottom of everybody in this town and it feels like there ain't no more angels around. So you can ask me if you think you wanna hear what I have to say. Just don't ask me how I feel.

Zack 30:09

And that's right back to that old sad shit, you know.

Bucky 30:12

Right. Well, yeah, you're right. Yeah, it ain't hard to get there now.

Zack 30:18

Y'all probably haven't even heard this song. And this song, man, I'm telling you, right now this song. I should sell this motherfucker.

Bucky 30:25

Hey, you can sell it. Sell it, bro. Sell it, it might be coming you never know you never know.

Zack 30:42

You need to stop right there. You're not the the only one. I felt that way, too. You need to think about what you're gonna say, cause trust me, baby words bruise too. So why'd you have to go insane? You wish you would've stayed, set my rain on fire. That's falling on me right now. That's falling on me right now. You've got me burning with a desire, a desire to put you out, cause you set my rain on fire. You need to stop right there. You're not the only one. I felt that way, too. Need to think about what you're gonna say, cause trust me, baby words bruise too. So why'd you have to go insane? You wish you would've stayed. It's like you set this rain on fire that's falling on me right now. You've got me burning with a desire, a desire to put you out, cause you set my rain on fire.

Bucky 33:09

Oh dude man.

Zack 33:10

I wrote a song that was so sad, dude. I changed the song up, dude, and wrote a song that I need to put out on July 4th. It's called Daddy's Go to War. But the original song was sad, dude, I was too sad, I didn't even want to do it.

Bucky 33:23

Yeah, you had to.

Zack 33:31

But you got to get right there. Well, he got his own worst day and it nearly broke his heart. The sad thing is he knew the worst was yet to come. So when he had to go home and tell his little girls that he's got to go to a foreign land, it'll break his heart to see them cry and it'll tear him up inside. It's something he's got to do. He hopes they understand, because daddy's going to war. Daddy's going to war. Then he thinks of how his dad Did two tours of Vietnam but he never got to come back home.

Zack 34:53

But he knew he was a hero Cause he died for his country and God. But he'll never forget the man's last words. He said Sometimes you gotta lose so you can win. Stand up and be a man and fight for those who can't defend themselves. Times you gotta lose so you can win. Times you gotta lose so you can win.

Zack 35:26

Stand up and be a man and fight for those who can't defend themselves. Sometimes you gotta give to receive. You see, this price of freedom ain't free. Something I've gotta do, don't you understand? Your daddy's going to war. Your daddy's going to war. And before he boards the plane, well, he kisses them one last time, wipes away their tears and says please don't cry. Sometimes you gotta lose so you can win. Stand up and be a man and fight for those who can't defend themselves. Sometimes you gotta give to receive. You see, this price of freedom ain't free. There's something we've gotta do. Hope you understand, cause daddy's going to war, daddy's going to war, your daddy's going to war. Sometimes you gotta give, sometimes you gotta give. You gotta give, you gotta give. Sometimes you gotta give to receive. You see, this price of freedom ain't free. It's something we've gotta do, please understand, cause daddy's going to war and daddy's going to war.

Zack 37:45

In the back of that motherfucker I used to have, the solo was Star Spangled Banner.

Zack 37:52

Oh yeah.

Zack 37:54

It's a whole lot better when you can remember the whole thing at one time.

Bucky 38:03

Yeah, I like that one Like them. All Got to give to receive sometimes, right? Yep, no man, that shit put you in the mood, though I ain't gonna lie. It just kind of In the mood, not that kind of mood. I didn't take a pill, I was just saying I wrote songs, man, because I come home and got nothing.

Zack 38:28

She's mad as s*** that, so I wrote a song about her.

Bucky 38:32

About her or, yeah, about the whole situation.

Earl 38:34

Yeah.

Zack 38:35

And then I wrote another song because she's mad as f***.

Bucky 38:38

Sounds like you got a lot of them.

Zack 38:40

Yeah, I come home at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning.

Bucky 38:43

That sometimes will get you in trouble.

Zack 39:04

You always find a way To put me in my place and I get mad and say there's things that don't mean any way. Just like the time I told you I don't care if you stay, don't care if you stay. So, hey baby, let's not fight tonight. Hey baby, we can make this right. Put down that old suitcase and let me take you back to the place where we first met and to the time you can't forget let's do more. Hey baby, I said hey baby. Hey baby, I said hey baby. I know that our lives have changed, but we can get back to that place when we were young and in love. Nothing stood in our way. Just like the time your old man said there ain't no downgrade. Then we ran away. So, hey baby, let's not fight tonight. Hey baby, let's do them all. Hey baby short version I said hey baby.

Zack 41:32

P Diddy Party.

Bucky 41:33

P Diddy Party.

Zack 41:38

So if you want to think, y'all can write, help me out with several songs, let's see, I think I'll hop a train and I'll look back and maybe buy a plane ticket to where you're at, whatever it'll take, baby, just to get to you, cause there's nothing but miles between us. That ain't gonna stop me now. That ain't gonna stop me now.

Zack 42:34

I even slap a kid off his truck.

Zack 42:36

I don't know.

Zack 42:37

I can't fucking think about this, I'll even ride with a serial killer. I thought about that when I said that truck.

Bucky 42:43

That's pretty good I was.

Earl 42:47

I was on my way to this killer guy.

Zack 42:49

Oh, now with a, with a, with a pulled pork sandwich on my mind, I'm coming across this little bitty old place right past the Deku County line.

Zack 43:00

He said come on in.

Zack 43:02

My name is Bucky. He tried to sell me a nut, a buck nut. He said you know, I got a buck nut, I got a squirrel nut.

Zack 43:11

I got something squirrely inside. Come on, charlie. Squirrely buck nuts, come on in.

Earl 43:13

I got buck nuts, I got like squirrely and so on.

Zack 43:14

Come on, charlie, squirrely button nuts.

Earl 43:15

Come on, nuts, squirrely button nuts.

Zack 43:16

Come on in, I got button nuts for all sorts of people Got squirrely button nuts, got regular button nuts, got fucking calf button nuts.

Bucky 43:25

We just got nuts.

Zack 43:26

Got nuts. It's like a. What is that old Amaj commercial?

Bucky 43:30

Oh, come on, come on.

Earl 43:35

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Zack 43:36

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Bucky 43:38

There you go.

Zack 43:38

Sometimes you don't Bullshit. Oh man, george got nuts.

Zack 43:45

I caught a ride with a serial killer one time. He said I take you to get a good place to eat.

Bucky 43:49

Right past the DQ County line.

Earl 43:53

I know it's going to be my last meal. Serial killer, I took me one of them pills and I was part of a county heart. He said take this. He said take this.

Zack 43:58

I didn't know what you were talking about.

Bucky 44:00

Take this pill and shove it.

Zack 44:03

He said next thing I know I roofied myself.

Bucky 44:10

Ended up at my own P Diddy party.

Zack 44:12

Oh, I guess that's about it.

Bucky 44:16

Ended up making my own P Diddy party. Oh, good story about that shit. Ended up making a.

Earl 44:20

P Diddy party. Did you know it was too late by the time you knew it?

Zack 44:23

Yeah, I said Margaret don't look, but it was too late. He done run through the frozen food, taking the croakers. Yeah they call him the street.

Zack 44:34

Fast thing on two feet. I remember you said that album Fucking over and over Bruce. Stevens. Hell yeah, he said, corey, how did you get that Harley Up on that high dive boy? Harley up on high dive? That's a Johnny Hendrix thing right there. I can see Johnny Hendrix Putting Harley on high dive. Hey Me and Earl. I love Johnny. D Was my bud. When I was a kid the mistakes we made when we was kids. Sometimes you only get to make one of them.

Bucky 45:04

Yeah, what'd I have you write down.

Earl 45:06

Oh, you want me to write what down? No, what I had you write down earlier, before Zach got here.

Bucky 45:09

Remember, I told you to write down that no, no, no, no, no, oh all that shit Much of it One down.

Zack 45:15

No, no, no, no no.

Zack 45:16

Oh, all that shit One day.

Bucky 45:18

Gone. Yep, that's what I wrote down that earlier. We don't know how much time we have left.

Earl 45:28

No, Talk about day minute to minute.

Bucky 45:31

We might not make it tomorrow. May not make it. If you may not make it, if you wait, it's too late. We talked about that. If you wait, it's too late, I don't know.

Zack 45:52

I want you to know. I thought I'd see you tonight, but you're too damn stubborn.

Zack 46:06

To see wrong from right.

Zack 46:12

So where did you go? You've been here all of my life. I guess it got too hot and you just couldn't handle the fire. But you're not the first to know and you won't be the last. There's a long list of has-beens Waiting down at the pass.

Zack 46:55

So when you figure it out. I'm not white trash. They won't let you on this train that I'm on. It'll be moving too fast. It was 1992. Well, I promised her the world. She promised me the moon, but she couldn't take in my life and the drugs. So she listened to the voices, packed her bags and headed back home. But she's not the first, you know, and she won't be the last. There's a long list of has-beens. Waiting down at the pass.

Zack 48:14

So when you figure it out. I'm not white trash. They won't let you on this train that I'm on. They'll be moving too fast.

Earl 48:36

Brandon Ryder. Brandon Ryder, well, you edited a verse moving too fast.

Zack 48:39

Brandon Ryder. Brandon Ryder, well, you added a verse, you customized it. It's the same thing I do with Brandon Ryder was a bad son of a bitch.

Bucky 48:46

Yeah, that's old. He wasn't around all that long, right, that's when he was younger.

Zack 48:52

When I met him he was a fucking I'll tell you who else is a douchebag dude, and that is oh, he's real popular. He's still popular. His parents are a lawyer, Just name somebody.

Bucky 49:06

Donahue, yeah, casey.

Zack 49:07

Donahue oh yeah, casey Donahue. His band was, so I opened up for him. His band was, so I opened up for him. His band was so fucking cool dude.

Earl 49:15

His dad was a lawyer and shit Both of them. Yeah, what's Randy Rogers was?

Zack 49:19

His dad was a preacher and his mom was a school teacher or some shit. Randy Rogers, bad motherfucker, yes.

Friendship in Dark Times

Earl 49:23

Yeah, but I mean that's what he's got some. He was a. His dad was a preacher dude. He writes all that shit. Hey, how many instruments does he play On the recordings? He plays all that shit. His live band is not even what he records with he's got a songwriting deal. Where he has to, he plays the fiddle and all that shit he's got to put out so many songs a week Does he?

Zack 49:44

Yeah, but he plays all them fucking instruments on the bus because he opened up for him at this deal for the ranch Wade Bowen.

Earl 49:54

Wade Bowen. Yeah, yeah, but no, randy Rogers is like rats. I mean all the different pieces of music for the different instruments and shit.

Bucky 50:03

Well, you know, it is basketball. Bad time Drinking, yeah.

Earl 50:08

That's when you drink all day 10.

Bucky 50:11

From the start In the AMs. Yeah, that funeral, funeral it's hard. I know it was man.

Zack 50:18

That's why I don't like going to any but I don't like going to any of them, but no, I just want to go to mine. That's about it. The next one I want to go to is mine on the wall.

Earl 50:32

I didn't want, I'd probably be two people, I don't care.

Zack 50:35

Yeah, I don't have to be that I mean I, I mean I would care if I was still alive, but being that I'd be dead, I won't care. But uh, I'll be where I want to be, but if, but if everybody y'all know ain't there, I'm gonna be a mad son bitch if I ever have to come back on y'all's bitch asses. No, I just you know, then I think sometimes I think you know my girls, my girls. Did either one of y'all even go to the funeral?

Earl 50:57

Yeah, oh, y'all did go.

Zack 50:58

Yeah, I don't remember.

Bucky 51:00

I ain't never seen so many, I had to stand up.

Zack 51:02

I'd never seen so many people.

Bucky 51:04

I was, me and Anthony.

Zack 51:04

We were standing up by the door, you know, there was the signing books. Two complete signing books were completely full.

Earl 51:13

Yeah, probably a lot of people didn't sign in.

Zack 51:17

Yeah, and you know that gym that holds fire limits is like 1,500.

Zack 51:22

Seating 1,500.

Zack 51:23

Yeah, it was way full. It was like way more than that. Yeah, you know, there was people there that I didn't ever think would be there, and there's people that weren't there that I thought would have been there.

Bucky 51:35

That's a funeral. Yeah, like I say, some people can't handle them. Oh, that was terrible. That's why some people are just like hell. No, yeah, yeah, that was man, that was. I mean, drapes was pretty damn rough too, man, man.

Zack 51:56

That's the only thing, that's the worse, you know what I don't know.

Earl 52:00

You don't want to see more than one casket. No, anytime there's more than one, yeah that's.

Bucky 52:04

I mean, yeah, one is bad enough, you start adding numbers bro. That's so oh yeah, Hell yeah when he told me to hurry up Today.

Zack 52:13

No, at the funeral.

Bucky 52:14

Oh.

Zack 52:15

Because I pushed the caskets out.

Earl 52:16

Not today.

Bucky 52:17

I pushed the caskets out. I think he passed away. Oh yeah, yeah.

Zack 52:28

And he told me for one thing, but still, it don't make up for it yeah.

Zack 52:34

Saturday, I started drinking about 10 o'clock this morning Went to a funeral with my friends there. My friends there Hit hard. Knocked me down, so I.

Zack 52:54

Thought I'd hit it hard back.

Zack 52:58

Now I don't make Much sense Wasting away again In an abandoned hospital In Chillicothe, Texas. It's not Margaritaville.

Bucky 53:15

But it's haunted.

Zack 53:16

But it's haunted. That makes up for it, don't it yeah?

Zack 53:21

If I get tired of being haunted by these people, I'll just go down to Luz Barbecue and eat a buck nut.

Zack 53:34

You really shouldn't have left that in that deal. Dude, what you might not, Somebody listening to that podcast is probably never going to eat another buck nut again. I thought about that after because it was funny.

Bucky 53:44

Yeah, I was okay with it.

Zack 53:46

Because when I said, you know, you just sit back there laughing your ass off every time somebody orders one, I thought, oh man, damn, they're going to be looking.

Bucky 53:53

Yeah, they're going to be listening. Now they're going to be wanting them more. Yeah, hopefully, hopefully, I hope I hope Some of them damn buck nuts they talking about. For some reason no females never come in that movie. It's probably that pill he took. Tonight. We're going to say goodbye for the Be Easy podcast and we will be talking to you soon, but until then, I'm Bucky, this is Earl, I'm Zach.

Zack 54:26

We are the Be Easy podcast and we will see you later. And I had to take a step back Cause, I swear I didn't recognize my own face.

Final Reflections and Song

Zack 54:39

So I asked that man there in the mirror, just how he ended up this way and with the cry in his voice and the tear in his eyes. I heard every word the man had to say. He said I lost my wife and I couldn't stop getting high and the lights caught up with me and when she left she took the only thing that meant anything to me, and with those baby blue eyes and that smile that's mine. This year she turned three. You better grab ahold of something, for something grabs ahold of you and don't ask a question If you can't take the truth, cause I'm just a reflection of you. He said I'm just a reflection of you. Oh Lord, well, I could see the desperation in his eyes. Each deep breath it took for him to breathe and every word he said hit home with me.

Zack 56:34

I felt like a blind man could now see. And then, the more I stared, the more I realized that the man standing there in front of me, hell, he was just a reflection of me. I said just a reflection of me, me, you see, I lost my wife. I couldn't stop getting high and the lights caught up with me, and when she left she took the only thing that meant anything to me, and with those baby blue eyes and that smile that's mine. This year she turned three. You better grab a hold of something close, something, rather hold you. I said it might be a reflection of you.

Zack 58:36

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, for the first time in a long time today.

Zack 58:41

And I had to take a step back Cause, I swear, I didn't recognize my own fate.