Kalyani Pardeshi #11 A two-time TEDx speaker and award-winning author

Viewer Discretion Advised: This episode includes discussions around suicide and mental health. Some listeners may find this content sensitive. 

Most people don’t realize that the biggest barriers to true confidence and self-worth are often hidden within the mind—and the key to overcoming them is closer than we think.

Kalyani Pardeshi, a two-time TEDx speaker and award-winning author, shares a raw and powerful journey—from childhood bullying and societal rejection to becoming a voice of hope and healing. Her story, beginning as a “trouble child” in apartheid-era South Africa, is a testament to what’s possible when you learn to master your inner world.

In this episode, Kalyani Pardeshi breaks down her neuroscience-based strategies for transforming internal struggles—like self-doubt and negative self-talk—into lasting confidence. Through her work with teens, youth, and professionals, she uncovers the hidden roots of internal conflict and teaches simple, effective ways to quiet the inner critic.

You’ll also hear about her “Flowcess”—a unique process developed by Kalyani Pardeshi for reconnecting with your authentic self—and the discipline behind her TEDx journey, practicing her story until it became something that could truly heal others.

In this conversation, we dive into:

•  How childhood experiences and societal messages shape your self-beliefs—and how to rewrite them 
•  The difference between fitting in and truly belonging—and why it changes everything 
•  Practical tools to build real self-esteem by understanding how your brain works 
•  Why failing in public isn’t a setback—it’s part of the path—and how delays can serve your growth 
•  The power of boundaries, and how to practice self-love without shutting the world out 

This episode is a reminder: your story, your pain, and your struggles are not weaknesses—they’re your greatest teachers.

If you’re tired of being your own worst critic, craving real confidence, or searching for a way to show up as your true self in a noisy world, this conversation with Kalyani Pardeshi will challenge and inspire you.

Don’t wait for life to change—lean into your growth and unlock the limitless potential within you.

Kalyani Pardeshi is a leader in mental resilience, known for her TEDx talk and her work helping people understand the root of their inner battles. Her message is simple but powerful: growth, healing, and confidence are already within you—you just need to understand how your mind works.

This episode is for anyone ready to let go of the struggle, step into who they truly are, and turn internal battles into strength.

Hit play—and start building your limitless life.

Thank you for sharing two of the most precious resources one human being can share with another: your time and your energy.

If you found value in today's episode, please help us grow the Life Is Limitless Podcast by sharing it with a friend, subscribing on YouTube, and leaving a like, rating, or review. Every share helps us reach one more person who may need to hear this message.

Until next time, remember: life is limitless.

For more connection with Kalyani check out these below:

TEDx talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iwroXxZ6x8

Website: www.kalyanispeaks.com

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kalyani-pardeshi/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kalyanispeaks049/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kalyani.pardeshi/

Unbullied: https://mybook.to/Unbullied

Beyond The Inner Critic: https://mybook.to/zKhz2I

If you would like to support the show, you can use this button below:

buymeacoffee.com/codydemerais 

Music Intro and Outro:

Track Title: City Of Angels
Artist Name(s): LNDÖ

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Okay, hello everybody, and welcome back to, I believe, episode number 11 of the Life is Limitless podcast. My name is Cody Demory, and I am so thankful and so grateful to have a fantastic lady here today with us who's going to be sharing a little bit more about her journey and her amazing, you know, two-time TED talk in the last three years, within three years. Some people strive to do that once in their lifetime, and she's been able to do that twice in a matter of under three years. So we today have Kelani Pradeshi, which I would love for you to share with everyone what that last name means, as you just told me off script after I share a little bit more about you. But she is a two-time TEDx speaker, a multi-award-winning author, and Canada's only certified phlocis trainer. She helps teens, youth, and professionals with the war within by uncovering two overlooked causes of low self-esteem, transform an internal conflict into lost and confidence and resilience. Her neuroscience aligned strategies empower people to understand their internal battles, her patterns, and responses. Her book, Beyond the Inner Critic, won the International Impact Book Award for Self-Help within four months. Featured on CTV, Morning Live, Global News Calgary, and QR Calgary Radio. She has also received the Fearless Woman's Summit Award and Roger Woman's Empowerment Award nomination. Just so you know, that introduction should be put in a picture frame because that is absolutely amazing. And I'm so thankful to be able to be able to chat with you today and have other people hear a little bit about your story and your background.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

Thank you so much. I want to start answering your first question. My name Kalyani actually means blessing in Sanskrit. So let's get that out of the way.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

That's perfect. Thank you so much. That's fantastic. Your first name means blessing.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

Right.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

That's that's beautiful for sure. So can you please tell us a little bit more about yourself that I haven't introduced on the introduction here, of course, because I know a lot of people are going to get a lot of education from our today's conversation.

SPEAKER_03 2:40

So let's put it this way. I know a lot of us have experienced this. Like you feel like you just don't belong. And I grew up feeling like I didn't belong. I grew up in a family of a very high-achieving, extremely smart older sibling, and very, for lack of a better word, well behaved. And I was the trouble child. Um I hated being told what to do. I struggled at school, I didn't make friends easily, I was a loner, and I just didn't fit in. And I always thought that there was something wrong with me and that needed fixing. And I we moved to South Africa in the mid-1980s, and that was when apartheid was at its peak. So for those that are not familiar with apartheid, it was um institute, it was a government system that was focused on all privileges, privileges go towards people who are white, and everyone who is non-white, you know, you kind of get treated like a second, third class citizen. So one of the biggest things my parents told me when we moved is um, you know, you don't have the right skin color for your voice to matter. So I was sent away to boarding school because I couldn't get I was not allowed to attend the best schools because I didn't have the right skin color. And I was sent to boarding school in another country where I faced severe bullying, including being beaten up twice, um name-calling, isolation, everything. And in the 80s, we were taught that bullying builds character. And at that time, I already knew this was not how I wanted my character built. Everyone else agreed, and I was always the one that was different. So I begged my parents to pull me out of that school. And unfortunately, because of the um societal expectations, it was like I felt like a failure. And a huge part of me then just started pursuing achievement after achievement after achievement. I think I mentioned this in my first TEDx talk. I've lost count. I think I have something like 14 certifications to my name. I don't know. I just wanted to find something that made me feel I am worthy. You know, I may be different, but I am worthy. And my entire journey has been about understanding that I am a human being, not a human doing. Um, and that's where I was introduced to intangible drivers by Flo Cess, and that was understanding really who I am. People talk about your authentic self, I can tell you what that is, and that's what my second 10x talk was actually about.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Yeah. Already off the first you know, minute here of you sharing a little bit about yourself. You brought I'm a I'm quite a softy, I'm an emotional person for sure. Um, but to be picked on and teased on like you were a little bit just because of different skin color. That there's a big part of me that is anger or angry and sad, and you know, just upset about that in general, because that should never be a barrier for anybody's life moving forward. And I'm sorry that you had to deal with that, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_03 5:59

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Yeah, of course. But um, yeah, you know, I listened to your TED talk, your first one this morning, as I was saying off camera before we realized, you know what, maybe we should start this recording, actually. Um, you did a fantastic job, incredible, by the way. It was absolutely amazing. Your communication skills, your hand gestures, your you know, your pauses, your reflections, it was all fantastically timed. Like great job at it. And I really appreciated the storytelling concept, of course, in your TEDx talk there too. And we were talking a little bit about that off camera and how much a person can resonate with a story. It's just incredible. Yeah. Can you tell us a little bit about your preparation leading up to that first TED Talk and maybe a little bit more of a context of what that entailed? Uh, I will definitely put a link with the YouTube video, of course, for your TEDx talk in the description and everything else so people can find it, but um just to kind of let people know what what it was about.

SPEAKER_03 7:02

So once I understood this concept, because a lot of people when when we talk about self-bullying, a lot of people will say, Oh, you know, that's just being you know hard on yourself. It's the inner critic. No, it's not. That's just the first part of it. The second part of it leads to unconscious behaviors. That's it forms a habit. So for me, the habits I had formed were, you know, overachievement, toxic posity, and underdog mentality. And I talk about that in my TEDx talk. And when I thought about it, I thought, you know, this world is so driven by, oh, you gotta prove your naysayers wrong, you know, you gotta and my question to people that want to prove your naysayers wrong is who's making decisions in your life, the naysayers or you?

SPEAKER_02 7:42

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_03 7:43

Who's in control?

SPEAKER_02 7:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:45

So when I thought of this concept, um, I said, okay, you know what? I really want to deliver this somewhere, I just don't know where. And I um it was a long process. I reached out to um TEDx Calvary, I just sent them an email on their general email, and I heard back from Jonathan, who is one of the co-curators, and uh that was actually it was 20, this was 2021. And um it was during COVID. So, you know, they couldn't do TEDx talks. So what ended up happening is 2022, he said, okay, yes, we're gonna do this. In October, there's an event. And then there was he was dealing with a very serious personal problem, so it had to be put off, and then it was March 20, no, May 2023. But here's the beauty of it all you know, when we feel things are not working out, they're actually working out. So what had happened is I had this concept in my brain, and it was um August 2022 that I met my current mentor, John Lenhart, and he is the founder of Flo Cys, and he's the one who introduced me to intangible drivers. And that was the piece that was missing in my talk. So if I had done it in October, it would have been incomplete, it would have been a it would not have been as powerful as I believe it is today.

SPEAKER_01 9:10

Beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 9:11

And um, you know, he started training me, and then February 2023 I heard from Jonathan, and he said, Okay, it's all systems go, we're doing this in May. Then the piece was, I want to write this talk. So when I wrote about it, I kind of specifically left out a piece where I talk about um suicide ideation because I I wasn't comfortable talking about it. And I remember at my first rehearsal, Jonathan said to me, I asked him, can I include it? He said, Yes, you can. I just said, I just don't know how to do this without crying. Because in that talk, I talk about for two years every single day, I thought of killing myself because I couldn't handle the depression. And the key to that was um practicing. So once I put that piece in, people don't realize how much work goes behind the scenes. It's like you you just see the 12 minutes and whoa, this is awesome, yay! But it was writing it out and then practicing every single day. And I'm gonna be honest with you, towards the end, it's like, I'm so tired, I don't want to practice anymore. You know, I can't do this anymore. Um but it was okay, I'm gonna practice twice a day, once in the morning, once in the afternoon, time myself. And then once I I had the time right, I stopped timing myself because I find that throws me off. Um, so I stopped timing myself because I knew it was about 12 minutes. With their introduction, it's about 13 minutes. Um and then the other issue that came up is uh on stage rehearsal, I couldn't rehearse with my slides because of a technical issue. So the day off, I actually fumbled with my slides. They were able to edit it out in the final talk. But that threw me off a little bit, and then I acknowledged even though I teach about self-bullying, I can be hard about on myself. So when I walked off stage, I was like, dang it, I messed it up, right? I I worked so hard and I messed it up, and I was upset with myself. But then the response that I received from that talk is you know, people were coming up to me, they were hugging, they were crying, you know. Um so many people just said that they felt so seen and heard. And it was seven hours late, I was still trying to leave the venue, and there was still someone else that wanted to come and hug and cry and all of that stuff. So beautiful. It was, yeah, that was it. So it's it's a lot of preparation. And the key is also you've got to make sure as a speaker you're fully prepared because you can't count on the event organizers um to be to be at that level. So you have to pivot as and when necessary you need to pivot.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:52

And that was what happened is because I didn't get to practice with my slides because of a technical issue, the day off I had to pivot. And I I made a joke there in between and I pivoted. All of that's been edited out, that's why it looks so smooth.

SPEAKER_00 12:05

Okay. Well, regardless of magical editing, you truly did a fantastic job, just so you know. So you know, I know you're talking about self-bullying and self-criticism. We often can be our biggest critics. I know that, and I think that's why me and you connect in a great deal of good friends already, and we've only had the pleasure of meeting twice in person, right? And a couple phone calls and messages, emails, but we connect on a great deal together because I think we have a lot of relatability together. And I appreciate where you come from, and honestly, it's it's been a joy to talk about um some of the understands and the knowledge and the education that you have, which is very relatable in everyday life. And quite frankly, I think I told you this before. I would love nothing more than you to be in schools and elementaries and sharing a lot of these presentations because what 15-year-old, 14-year-old doesn't need to you know appreciate themselves a little bit more and learn to not put down others a little bit more, right? Like it's such a transformational thing to like appreciate and care for yourself, but also to not you know put others down. We have enough of that in the world of people putting each other down, including putting ourselves down.

SPEAKER_03 13:20

So exactly. I just want to chip in there and say something a little bit, and especially this has to do with with kids. And I think I'm gonna eventually do a LinkedIn post on it. It's about trying to understand the difference between fitting in and belonging. Because the first question I want to ask is the crowd that you want to fit in with, do you even like them?

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:39

Number one.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

That's very that's very true.

SPEAKER_03 13:41

And number two, the fact that you're trying to fit in with it with them means that they don't already accept you as you are.

SPEAKER_02 13:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:48

The most radical thing you can ever do is accept yourself so passionately and so fiercely that people will want to make a group with you and say, okay, I want that. I don't know how you do that, I want that.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

Just accept you as you are, which is incredibly beautiful. You know, you talked about how basically, you know, you weren't ready when it first happened, right? That TED talk. And things don't happen for a reason because maybe you're not quite ready at that time. That, you know, talking about relatability, that connected with my heart deep down inside because we can often, as high performers, people who want to get things done and get to this point and you know make these things happen, we can get in our heads about, you know, how come they're not happening exactly like I have scripted in my head?

SPEAKER_03 14:38

Um, you know, like sorry, I'm totally gonna interrupt you there.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

That's okay. That's okay.

SPEAKER_03 14:44

It's uh you said high performance. I would say it's when you're so passionate about your message, that's what it's about. It's like you're so passionate, it's like, why is this not happening? It's like I really want to help people. Why is this not happening? That's what it is. And it is timing and circumstances. And we also need to do a little bit of learning and growing, and when we do that learning and growing, which is what happened with me, it was the timing wasn't right because I need to learn and grow.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

And then I I couldn't agree more. Like, you know, I was sharing just off camera with you that I was in the federal penitentiary two days ago speaking for two sessions for minimum security uh gentlemen and then medium security gentleman. And quite frankly, I started these conversations maybe three years ago.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Yeah, maybe uh around there, where I chatted with somebody, and then you know, months went by, they asked if I'd be interested. I said, Yeah, let's make it happen. Something happened where it didn't go through, and then a few months later and I chatted with another person about possibly making it happen. And somebody said, I'm so sorry that it took us this long when I was leaving, you know, after my first session. I said, You know what? I think I was more ready for this now than I was two years ago or whatever it was. And so when you said that, you know, some things get delayed for the reason that they're supposed to, that is a nail in the head. And I think anybody that can be hard on themselves and hard in their own head, I think it's a great tool and a great resource to understand that, you know, you just kind of like you said about maybe the technical difficulties and having a pivot and have and to go with the flow. Those are great concepts, especially when you can be hard on yourself, because it takes the stress and the pressure off your off yourself and just realize that sometimes we're just simple beings in this universe and we kind of gotta with go with the the flow of the river, basically.

SPEAKER_03 16:40

We're not salmon, we can swim against the flow.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

Yes, I like that. It's fantastic. Okay, so can you please let's talk about one thing here? So, how long did it actually take you to prepare? Like, let's talk about for their first TED TEDx talk. You said you practiced twice a day. Um, how consistent was that? Like, was it months? Was it yeah? I'm curious about that.

SPEAKER_03 17:10

So basically, I think it was February, they said yes. March, I think I did my first one. And I remember I I I openly talk about being hard on myself. It's like, why can't I remember this? I should remember this, you know, like literally. But and I'm gonna talk a little bit about my second one as well. But the thing is, what ended up happening is I think it was March. And I started in March and it was in May, so it was two months. But that's what helped me talking about timing and everything. So you watched my first one, it's left on a cliffhanger, right? I left it on a cliffhanger deliberately because I wanted to do a second one. And I spent three years applying left, right, and center. And I cannot tell you how many no's I got from how many TEDx stages. Okay. You think you've done one, people say, oh no, we can have her, right? No. So I this is the part where I just gave up control. It's like, okay, you know what? If it's meant to happen, it will, I'm just giving up control.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:08

And then in December, out of the blue, I get an email from TEDx HEC Montreal saying, you know what? We want you to be a speaker at our event. And here's the beauty of it all, Cody. We talk about being ready. I didn't even need to, they just said, look, this is the theme daring to differ. We really feel your entire experience, your entire life has been about that. Can you craft a talk for it? I had a call with them literally before Christmas. I pitched my idea to them. Like there was zero resistance. It's like we love it. We absolutely love it. January, so I was doing teachers' convention in February. So January, I had my, it literally took me five days to write my talk. Talk about literally things falling into place. Five days. Start to finish, I wrote my talk. And I told them during the rehearsal we did it on Zoom, and I said, look, I don't have it memorized, so I'm just gonna read it. And I read it, it was recorded, and it was shared with the president of the committee, and he just said, you know, this is amazing, right? He said, like, she's gonna, and it wasn't even sent to me, it was sent to someone else who shared it with me, which was uh shared with the VP, and he shared it with me. And he says, Bro, she's gonna be so good on D-Day. Okay, cool, I like this. So I finished February, and this is where the prep changed for me. Okay. I finished teachers' convention, I actually got sick afterwards. So what I did is March 2nd, I was on stage March 28th. March 2nd, I was gonna start practicing. So I gave myself literally 26 days, not months. And the beauty of it all is I had a process. I always what I teach is I teach people their flow sess, which is their unique process to flow. We all have our own unique process. So I use my flow sess. And the first week I just spent reading the talk. It's like, okay, I'm gonna read it three times a day. I'm gonna have my paper in front of, I'm gonna read it three times a day. Then what I did is the second week, I said, okay, let me see how much I remember. And still three times a day. By the end of the second week, I had most of it memorized.

SPEAKER_02 20:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:22

Third week, let me start doing it with my slides now. Started doing it with my slides. As a speaker, I feel the most important thing is when the organizers need information, get it to them. So I needed this was different. I needed to submit my script, which I didn't have to do before. It was supposed to be submitted March 8th, I submitted it. Uh the slides were supposed to be ready, I submitted it. So by the time I reached the fourth week, I already had it memorized, I was practicing with my slides, and then I cut it down to two times a day. What was really nice is I wasn't, I was not bored or tired of practicing. I actually enjoyed it a lot. And then when we did the rehearsal, there were this was really helpful for me with the rehearsal, is I got to practice with my slides. And when I walked on stage, it's a different stage altogether. Um, unlike uh TEDx Cario, it was I had glass windows behind me, it was all natural light. This was an amphitheater, so I had all the lights on me. And um I couldn't see the screens in front of me with my statistics, but what helped me is I memorized them. So the only request I only had two requests. The first one was I had my own title slide and they had theirs, so I ended up having two title slides, so I asked them to remove mine. The other thing was put the timer face down. Because I knew I was at 12 minutes 20 seconds. So I knew they only had the timer up for people that were close to 16 minutes.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:48

So I knew it, I'd practiced it enough. So I said put the timer face down. When I did the rehearsal, I noticed the issue with the slide. I told them, Listen, I need that fixed, and I need the timer face down. And Cody, there was so Awesome about it. Like when I walked on stage on Saturday, that timer was face down, and not just face down, I went through the slides before I even went on stage. They'd already removed my title slide.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 22:10

And it was like it was epic. It was perfect.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_03 22:15

So I really enjoyed it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Working with a great team like that, you know, in whatever field, whatever life, you know, as a speaker, it's it makes a big difference. It truly does. And when they're able and they're willing to work with you alongside you, that just helps everything flow in the right process. And that's beautiful. You said um when we were just messaging before we kind of hopped on today that it's going to still take a couple months for it to come out.

SPEAKER_03 22:42

Yes, I got an email yesterday saying uh around two months before it comes out.

SPEAKER_00 22:46

Okay. Beautiful. And so people are going to be able to find that in a couple months. And I know you're going to be sharing it on Facebook and social media, and I'm going to help share that for you when it does come out for sure. I'm looking forward to it, of course. Like I'm, you know, I really appreciated listening to your first one while I was just on my exercise bike. And, you know, I I was moving my body, but it was hitting me emotionally as well, too. I was like, okay, I'm just going to keep peddling, keep peddling.

SPEAKER_03 23:12

So it sweat, it's wet. It's not cheering.

SPEAKER_00 23:14

That's right. I'm not crying. Yeah. But yeah, for those who are going to listen to this podcast, please go and search out the TEDx talk that you did here, the first, the first one out of the three. And I'm going to make sure that link is findable because I think everyone who's going to listen to this needs to listen to that um TEDx talk too.

SPEAKER_03 23:35

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

Of course. So can you please tell us a goal as being a speaker? What is one of your goals that you have as a speaker moving forward?

SPEAKER_03 23:47

So one of the things I really want to do is I have um a six to eight, it depends on how far how deep someone wants to go, six to eight lessons, sixty to ninety minutes each that is purely on mental resilience. And while I do talk a lot about anti-bullying and soft bullying, I teach people how their brains work. So one of the biggest things is how do you respond to something when it doesn't go your way? How do you respond? How do you train your brain to respond in that? I teach you your unique brain wiring. What are you uniquely motivated for? And are you living your life according to that unique motivation? Right? I teach people communication skills. I teach people basically the main causes of depression and how it comes from your brain and how you can actually use tools that can help you move forward and cope with what's going on. Stress and anxiety. Um and then I talk about how to build self-esteem. That is confidence in knowing your intrinsic motivators. And that's what I mean. It's uh do you are you in love with yourself? And can you be that person? So I would love to see these in specifically like universities, um, colleges, high schools. Um and of course, as a speaker, you know, delivering keynotes and um, you know, individual presentations, which I've done a lot of with teachers' conventions and with the CPAs, I've done a lot of it I've done for a lot of women organizations as well. Specifically the soft bullying one, it seems to speak to a lot of people. It's and it it the theme is how can you be that human being and not that human human doing? Well, you trying to find a value outside of you when it actually already exists inside of you. You just need to find it and nurture that value.

SPEAKER_00 25:42

Yeah, I I mean I think you know, hurt people hurt other people, right? And like I mentioned, I think we have enough people putting each other down. I think there's enough people in this world putting themselves down. And so, you know, like I think truly, I think it's been two years since we met the first time in Calgary for um a caps kind of like mastermind group set in that we had. And I just told you, like, I think that your presentation, your your topics need to be very seen, very heard, and um like that I still stand by that because I think a lot of people can utilize those understandings more for themselves, those reflections, those um, you know, just those tools and resources for to live their better life and the better version of themselves in a good way.

SPEAKER_03 26:31

See, the thing is, Cody, I think one of the things that I have encountered a lot is that people want to feel better, right? So they will do things, and there's nothing wrong with it, right? The only issue is we'll do things to help us feel better in the moment, but is that feeling going to last? It's not.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:51

And what I teach is how can you be better? And that is a conversation not a lot of people want to have. Because you have to face your demons.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

It's a tough one.

SPEAKER_03 27:02

It's a very tough one.

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Because I know even myself, like I go see a counselor from time to time, you know, when I need to take some weight off my chest or off my shoulders. And I now know that I'm like, okay. I know this is gonna be tough, but I'm gonna text her, I'm gonna be like, you know what, I gotta have a session. Um, and like there's always a hesitation, but I know on the other side of it, it's it's good, it's growth, it's progress, and it's a release and it's a relief. Um, you know, but years prior, like so since I was 11 years old, just a little background context. Anytime I didn't feel good, anytime I didn't think I was seeing or being good, or just felt valued, or like I belonged or fit in, like you kind of mentioned, I would run to addictions.

SPEAKER_01 27:44

Right.

SPEAKER_00 27:45

So since I was 11 years old, alcohol, weed, and eventually things got into ecstasy, cocaine, and you know, so on and so forth. So that for me, why I love what you offer this world, is because how many years have I would have saved myself from going into traumatic experiences with it the with these addictions and dangerous environments and dangerous situations all around where it was dangerous for my own health and well-being and for those who were around me? If I would have learned these techniques and these tools and these resources when I was 11 when I started experimenting with these things, instead of having a 15-year journey at least with addictions being in my life and being a big part of my life. Now, I'm happy to be where I am today, but could I have been maybe somewhere sooner with that help? I think that would have been a great asset for myself as a younger person.

SPEAKER_03 28:40

That's so beautiful. The thing is, our brains are designed to be addicted to something.

SPEAKER_02 28:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:46

So for me, my pain, my addiction was food. I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager because that was the way for me to cope with the bullying that I had faced. Um and then when I realized, oh okay, this is not working out for me, so my next addiction was what? Overachievement. But I was never happy. And that's the thing, is like, what are we actually doing to be happy? And what if there's a way to be happy every single day without having to do something to find that happiness?

SPEAKER_00 29:17

Yeah. I'm, you know, once again, that relatability, that you know, achieve in that high achievement, that get into the goals. Um, I think in your TEDx talk, you talk, call it a goal digger. A goal digger. Goal digger, yeah. I love that terminology. Um, because it's it can be very true. And you know, people that come from certain circumstances where maybe they don't feel appreciated or valued or loved or whatever it might be. A lot of folks do become that person who want to achieve and achieve and achieve. Now I've also been that same person for quite a few years of my life. But if I can be honest, for whoever's listening yourself, there's you know, I would set goals, achieve these goals, and there's a part of me that didn't feel still happy.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

You know, yeah, and there's a big part of me that actually was like, okay, well, I must need to set another goal.

SPEAKER_01 30:08

Is that what next?

SPEAKER_00 30:09

Yeah, um, and it's been like that for uh uh quite a few years in my life since I became this person. It wasn't until just maybe six months ago-ish where I started realizing, you know what, goals are great. But if you're only looking for the goals and that's the only point of your percentage of your life that you're pleased and you're happy and you're thankful for in your life, not saying that was the case for me, but like, you know, to the utmost um appreciation for yourself, well, you're missing a big, big window of that journey of life. And you know, setting goals and achieving those goals is a small percentage of our life when the journey to the process of getting to those goals is the much larger, wider span of our lives. And so, you know, for a while in my presentations, I said you need to set goals, and you know, a person needs to look forward to their life. That part is true, and you know, a part of I just started switching my presentations, like I said, maybe six months ago, is that you also have to enjoy the process of these goals on the journey. Yes, because I started feeling in my own self, I was like, you know what, there's an there's a missing context in what I'm sharing here, and you know, I would love to go back to all those presentations and add that part in about that enjoying the journey and the process of it all. But I can't like we can never take those things back, but it's not like they didn't get you know value from it, but it's now moving forward that just from saying these different things, having these different conversations, reflecting how I feel on the inside, that that also needs to be a part of my talk. Enjoy the process, right?

SPEAKER_03 31:47

It's very interesting you say that because my husband says this all the time success teaches you nothing, failure teaches you everything.

SPEAKER_00 31:55

Yeah, that's that can be very true.

SPEAKER_03 32:00

Failure teaches you everything, and one of the things, so one of the things I've also noticed, and it's a learning for me, and it's a learning for anyone, is my mom says this, and I hated it when she used to say it, but she's right. You can't run away from your problems because your problems are gonna come and find you. Because you're meant to learn something from it, you're meant to develop certain tools from it, right? So the theme of my life was bullying. I faced bullying not just in school, but within the home, within the workplace, like everywhere. And I every time I change my job, it's like, okay, I'll just I'll go away, I'll do this. But it was about okay, first of all, how do I face this? Number one, how do I develop tools that are actually gonna work? And the anti-bullying message that I teach is not be kind. Because my first question is, are you able to be kind to someone who has hurt you? And if we can't do that, aren't we expecting a lot more from from others, from from children? Right? What I teach is how does your brain work? Why is it that you're a bully? I work with the bullies and I turn their behavior around by helping them understand who they are, helping them understand their value.

SPEAKER_02 33:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:05

And then also with kids who are being bullied, I teach them how to handle a bully through questions.

unknown 33:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:11

And they are the ones who improve the the bully's behavior. My son did that with a bully in school when he was in, I think, grade eight, nine. He ended up becoming best friends with this bully because he changed his behavior.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

I love that. I I love that. That's really cool. And you know what, a lot of times when we are cutting other people down, you know, we are internalizing other things in our in our heads, or or you know, from our environment, whatever it is. I have been a person who has been put down, bullied from others when I was young, young, young. And then I have unfortunately, because I want to be this macho person, this uh, you know, strong person, well, what did I start doing? Well, that's the chain of reaction, right? A person gets put down. Well, who can I put down, unfortunately. And I, you know, I regret saying that because it was true, but it, you know, I don't hide from the fact that's who I also became a little bit because of that context. Now I love trying to be a person that can literally take the shirt off my back to give to another person. You are uh I appreciate that, but um, you know, one of the hardest things that I've also had to learn as well, too, is you know, when somebody's treated you bad in the past or does to this day, you know, I can get pretty riled up pretty quickly. It's just in me. Um and I used to be a person that could hold a grudge for a while, like a while. Like I wouldn't forget. I'm like, okay, I just remember how you treated me. That took me a long time to um rewire myself. It's not that I don't forget what people have done in the past, it's just that I don't hold that anger, that hate anymore. And that, you know, that is a big relief in my chest, in my world. Um, because if you hold on to that stress, that anxiousness, that upsetness, that anger, whatever it is, and you you go through your journey of a year, and just anytime somebody crosses you and you keep that bottled up and bottled up, it's just the pressure that keeps building and building and building. And then pretty soon you're full. Your capacity for love and appreciation and gratitude and being just thankful for life. It's not as open to accept those things if you have nothing but anger and you know, or bitterness in your heart. And that was a big you know, thing that I had to rewire as well too, and took a while, but it's very interesting.

SPEAKER_03 35:32

There are two things I want to say on that. Firstly, you know, after being bullied, your response to that was the only way you you knew how to protect yourself.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:41

So don't be hard on yourself about it. It was the only way you knew how to protect yourself. Okay. Secondly, I love what you said about forget. We're not meant to forget. Okay. People have the wrong definition or a rather contradictory definition for the word forgive, and this is something I teach through the six lessons course. Is that forgiveness is a statement of your will that you won't equal out your own justice, even if you had the opportunity to do so. What that means is I can be angry.

SPEAKER_02 36:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:12

I can't forget what you did to me. But if I'm given the opportunity to get revenge on you, I'm not gonna do that. That's forgiveness.

SPEAKER_02 36:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:21

So people beat themselves up about oh, I I can't forget what they did, or you know, I'm still so angry. That's okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:28

Are you gonna act on it? No. Then you've forgiven them.

SPEAKER_00 36:31

Yeah. And that's a that's a great way of looking at it too. Um, you know, given the opportunity to be looking out in the world to try and take somebody down a peg or a notch. That's that's not healthy like at all. And so that's a good way of putting it. But you know, quite frankly, I'm glad I don't forget those experiences in the past because they've also taught me and you know, trained me on how to operate my my system, my body, my personality, my character moving forward to also not put up walls to protect myself, overprotect myself, because if you put up big barriers that no one can see behind, well, then you're still closing yourself off from the world. But it's just that education, that knowledge, that you know, piece of advice that you now know that you can regulate your life moving forward with, also. Like, so it's it's a good thing not to forget. But yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:20

I like that you said that because I always say a boundary is not a wall. Yeah, it's a guideline on how people can treat you.

SPEAKER_00 37:26

Yeah, I love that. That's awesome. And you know, I think we have to stand in our own being and our own power. Like we have to, if we can't appreciate ourselves and we can't appreciate the barrier, or not barriers, the the lines. The boundaries, yeah. That's a guidelines. The guidelines. Um, it's hard to expect other people to respect those guidelines too. Now, I'm at a point in my life where I'm thankful where if I am disrespected or treated unfairly, I just I simply cut ties and I walk away. Exactly. And the peace that has come with that, it's incredible. And I just realized we're not meant to connect. Whatever that is, we're not meant to be tied, tethered together, whatever it is. There's so many people in the world, like you know, me and you having this conversation, why not spend time having these conversations, you know?

SPEAKER_03 38:17

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 38:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:18

And that's the thing is when you're able to do that, it shows that you value yourself. You're not a people pleaser.

SPEAKER_00 38:25

I'll be honest, I I love people and I'm a big people pleaser, but to a certain extent, you know, now where like if I feel like I'm disrespecting myself, I will pull back that people-pleasing attribute of myself. And if I can be honest, that has taken me a lifetime to get to where I'm at now.

SPEAKER_03 38:47

No, that's very and I think that is the thing with sensitive people, is that we we really we we care so passionately, right? And that is easily taken advantage of.

SPEAKER_00 38:56

It can be.

SPEAKER_03 38:57

And the key to that is first of all, you should have certain measures. Like what measures do you have in place to determine is this person taking advantage of me? Or are they genuinely willing to learn and and and grow?

SPEAKER_02 39:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:11

So for me, my measure is, and I have this crazy measure. It's like two strikes and you're out. Literally, I have this two strikes. I know you wait for three strikes, two strikes.

SPEAKER_00 39:19

No, I love that. It's a boundary.

SPEAKER_03 39:21

It is a boundary. It's like, you know, okay, so I have provided you with these tools, I have given this to you. And it took me six years to learn this. Um what are you doing with it?

SPEAKER_02 39:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:34

What are you doing with it? You know, if you're just gonna complain about the same thing again, okay. We go back. I've given you these tools, have you used them or not? And I've had people say, no, but it's too scary, but do you want change?

SPEAKER_02 39:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:51

Right? Change is often scary. That's so funny you say this because I was talking to a friend of mine, and uh high school friend of mine, and you know, she says, No, people don't want pain. I just said, you know, there is we gotta grow through the pain. Yeah. You know, we can't stay in our comfort zone and say, Oh, I want to grow.

SPEAKER_00 40:09

Yeah, those two don't go together.

SPEAKER_03 40:11

No, they don't. And the the issue is why do people choose the comfort zone over growth? Is because in your comfort zone, it's a pain you're familiar with, number one. You've already developed tools on how to deal with it. For me, it was food. Right? With the pain of growth, it is pain you don't recognize.

SPEAKER_00 40:30

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 40:31

It's a double whammy, you don't have tools to deal with it.

SPEAKER_00 40:33

Yeah, so you're kind of just floating around. Yeah, you're floating around trying to navigate through these storms of waters that are uncharted in your life before.

SPEAKER_03 40:43

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 40:44

Yeah. I yeah. I've I don't know, you know, a person can really be scared of change and you know, stepping into the unknown. And if I can be honest, you said food addiction was an addiction for yourself for a long time.

SPEAKER_03 41:00

Oh, it's sometimes I still find myself going for that chocolate cake.

SPEAKER_00 41:03

I still do the same thing too. I'm a I'm a lover of food, and it's okay. Um but you know, I've came to find as well, too, in my life, I've become an addict. I'm still an addict through and through. Like there's no doubt in my mind. My yeah. Oh, I appreciate that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:22

Some people are addicted to success, achievement, food.

SPEAKER_00 41:27

Mine, you know, I I've came to find it's stepping into the unknown. Yes. And uh almost trying to like jump in a lake that I've never swam in before, like we just talked about uncharted waters, and trying to find a way to swim. Now, it's a little crazy, I'll admit. Um, but there's a weird part of me that knows, you know, I think all these things, all these opportunities that come into my life from time to time, where you know, an average person might be like, no, that's way too out of my comfort zone. I I I grow from like I I get so excited about like an adrenaline junkie almost. And I'm like, I know what's on the other side is a lot of fear, but I also know there's a lot of growth, and I am addicted to that growth, that expansion of myself. And um, yeah, it can put a lot of weight on my shoulders and chest, but like it almost makes me feel alive, like the way my old addictions used to, um, in uh for a certain extent, where this high is actually more sustainable, more you know, a better productive where I can take care of my family, I can go make impact, and also stepping into the unknown and the scary is something that I'm addicted to, but also the purpose, the impact. And I think a lot of that stems from not feeling like I was worthy when I was younger as well, too, to be honest, and knowing what it feels like to kind of feel like you're worthless, and so to know that I might have that ability to actually make somebody feel seen and heard is something that I just thrive on because maybe they need that little just nudge in their life, and those are the things I became addicted to in my life.

SPEAKER_03 43:04

That's beautiful. I love that. No, and it's true, and growth isn't for everyone, it really isn't, you know. Um, I know for me as well, stepping into the unknown is like, do I really want to do this? This is scary. I mean, I was the kid in school that nobody wanted to really be friends with, honestly. You know, I was the kid that um I wasn't I I I honestly wasn't good at sport the way everyone else was. I could play it, but just barely to save my life. Um you know, if I was called upon uh to read, I would literally I would just say, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I can't do this. And from there to walking on stage and and being able to talk in front of so many people, I never thought, I never thought that would be where I would end up. But it's the one place that I I get so much. Joy. So much joy in sharing, you know, stories, in sharing truth, and watching the aha's that come from it. You know, I it was so strange. I mean, after my second TEDx talk, I had this one lady come up to me and she said to me, you know, as someone who's highly sensitive, like I I really connected with your talk, and like, how do you manage to do this? She literally, it was so funny. I was like, Mom, she's hugging you, she's not leaving you alone. Um, we took pictures together, it was beautiful. But one of the things I said to her is like boundaries. Because as someone who is compassionate, someone who is sensitive, we're afraid to set boundaries because we don't want to hurt the other person.

SPEAKER_02 44:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:43

But how do you reframe that is I'm actually helping this person grow.

SPEAKER_02 44:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:49

I'm helping if they choose it or they don't choose it, that's on them. I'm helping this person grow. I had to set boundaries with my own mom. She is a serial whiner. She complains a lot. And I used to always try and rescue her. I try to give her ideas and like, you know, do this, do that, this will help, you know, that'll do. One of the things she also does is she'll with her age, she shouldn't be taking physical risks, and she'll be taking physical risks. In the past, I'll get angry, but that was some way she genttion from me. So now it's always like I and there's a word for it I can't think of. English is like my third language, so I struggle with English sometimes. But there's a word for it I can't think of. But basically, it is like it's not even like deflecting shots. I don't know what it is, but whenever she comes up with something she's complaining, I'm like, oh, okay, what else? I'm not fixing it for you, you're sharing, I'm listening, okay.

SPEAKER_00 45:38

You're byp you're bypassing the invite to have this argument or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 45:42

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 45:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:44

And that's it. And that that's my boundary. Do I feel guilty? No, I don't. I don't feel guilty because I recognize that this isn't going to change. Yeah. This is someone that doesn't want to grow. I still want to be able to maintain a relationship because she is my mom. How do I do this? And that's the thing is be we have those people in our lives that we can't completely cut ties with, and at the same time, we have to be able to maintain a relationship where our energy is not drained.

SPEAKER_02 46:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:11

I can teach you how to communicate with those people, and that's what I it's like everything I share is from my own life or people I have worked with.

SPEAKER_00 46:18

Well, and that's that's a beautiful thing to have in your toolkit to share with other people because I think um, you know, one of my all-time favorite quotes is from Ed Milette, you know, I think you're the most qualified to help who you used to be.

SPEAKER_03 46:32

Right.

SPEAKER_00 46:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:34

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 46:35

And it's nail on the coffin, like quite frankly, because I'm I'm that person as well, and you're that person. And you can tell that we're passionate about what we do because we've been those people, right? And we understand what it feels like to be on that other side. So why wouldn't we want to pull somebody up from that being in that place in their in their life?

SPEAKER_03 46:55

Exactly. And I like you say pull someone up because that's what I used to do. Now what I do is I'll throw you a rope. Are you gonna climb or not?

SPEAKER_00 47:02

Love that. That's cool. Throw a rope, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:05

Throw a rope, you're gonna climb or not. Are you I've met you halfway, you're gonna meet me halfway or not?

SPEAKER_00 47:11

Yeah, and you know what, that's the human experience as well, too. Because if you you know, throw this life raft and you pull this life raft in and you pick them out of the boat, and you know, all these analogies, but at the there's a certain point as well, too, that they become dependable, you know, reliant on somebody else. Yes. Where the true strength of a human being is to understand that they need to have that strength themselves as well.

SPEAKER_03 47:35

Absolutely. That's beautiful. I love that so much, Cody. I love that. That's that's just perfect. Like microphone.

SPEAKER_00 47:43

I appreciate that. And you know what? It's funny because I've had mentors come into my life as well, too. I had uh, you know, five years ago when I started my business, I had a friend of mine that was a doctor, he's a political science degree, he had, you know, all sorts of different degrees, and he became a good friend and a big mentor of mine for a you know a while. Um and he told me one time, he's like, you know, I could probably make a hundred phone calls and get you speaking every day. He's like, but you wouldn't learn that. You wouldn't learn how to navigate through these basically these waters, you know, of trying to put yourself in the world. And I just, you know, I th I sad about it after after we had this phone call. I was like, Yeah, he's probably right, unfortunately. I was like not bitter, not angry, not upset, but I'm like, he's so right.

SPEAKER_03 48:34

I hate that he's right.

SPEAKER_00 48:37

Like I I knew that too, and I felt it. And you know, and I've just like I shared, you know, if you do everything for another human being, sometimes they become dependable on our it's enabling behavior.

SPEAKER_03 48:49

Yeah, you're in you're not helping them grow at all. No, you know, so I yeah, I I absolutely agree with that. No, you're right.

SPEAKER_00 48:58

Yeah, and uh I've been fortunate to have those kind of people in my life, but I've also seen the other side too, when I've been enabled and stuff like that. And I'm not saying we can't help each other, like helping each other in life is a big part about life. I think if somebody has an experience or a knowledge or tool and we can share that with another human being, that's a beautiful gift to give to another human being.

SPEAKER_03 49:19

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 49:20

It's when you literally take that hammer and show them, you know, hold the hammer like this.

SPEAKER_03 49:25

Exactly. So I mean I like that because ultimately I've been asked to make connections. I will make connections with people, right? Like, okay, I can connect you with this person, I can connect you with that person. But building that relationship is on you. Yeah, that's the thing, right? So I can I can get the ball rolling, but the rest is up to you. Yeah, that's the thing. And I used to be a huge enabler because the thing about us highly sensitive people is that we wanna we want to prevent people from pain.

SPEAKER_02 49:54

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_03 49:55

We don't want to see them in pain. Yeah, but the thing is, is like I always say, is it the pain of suffering or is it the pain of growth? If they are suffering, by all means dive in and help them out.

SPEAKER_00 50:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 50:05

But if it's the pain of growth, let them feel it.

SPEAKER_00 50:09

Let them feel uncomfortable a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 50:12

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 50:13

You kind of have to know how bumpy some waters can feel if you're gonna navigate yourself through that sea.

SPEAKER_03 50:18

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 50:19

Yeah. Oh man, I've really loved and appreciated this conversation. I'm so thankful that we made this happen. You know, this was only literally was a few days ago where we talked about making this happen. Right. Um, that's a fantastic thing as well. I've once again, I really appreciate it. You know, you're an award-winning author. I think, you know, maybe sharing a little bit of context, what that means, about what your book is, I think we can, you know, start getting to that point where we might wrap things up after that.

SPEAKER_03 50:52

Sounds good. So I have two books. Um my first book I published way back in 2019, I believe. And it's called Unbullied, 14 Techniques to Silence the Critics Um Externally and Internally. And that one is more focused on it's for teenagers who are dealing with bullies in school. Um, I give you tools that can actually help you. Uh just build your self-confidence, number one, and number two, be able to handle the situation in the moment. Um, and then my second book, which is Beyond the Inner Critic, um, Understanding and Conquering Your Conscious and Unconscious Bullies, is purely about building your self-esteem from the inside out. It is recognizing where it is you're seeking your worth and value outside of you. And um how can you find out who you really are, your authentic self, chapter 13. Um, and how can you the rest from 13 on to 18 is how can you build on that to build your self-esteem? And chapter 18 is the one where it's the entire chapter is dedicated to tools to build your self-esteem and to test whether those tools actually work for you or not. So it's gonna be unique to you. Um, both of them are on Amazon.

SPEAKER_00 52:04

Beautiful. Okay, well, that's incredible. Um I want to read those books immediately. Immediately immediately. So maybe um maybe I uh do you have a copy of my book by the way?

SPEAKER_03 52:19

I don't.

SPEAKER_00 52:20

How about we send a copy for copy and then I buy your third your second one?

SPEAKER_02 52:25

Perfect.

SPEAKER_00 52:26

And I look forward into devouring that, and I'm going to find a way to also put that Amazon link in the description because I think that's another tool, another resource for human beings to be able to reach for that best version of themselves. And you know, educators, teachers, social workers, whoever might be listening to this podcast, you know, just a hindsight that that'd probably be a good tool or resource for you to get for your students or for yourself and maybe share with others too. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:53

Thank you so much, Cody. This was so much fun.

SPEAKER_00 52:56

It was fantastic, actually. I truly appreciate your time, your energy. Um, no, it's been a great conversation. I think a lot of people can have some good good um minutes listening to this podcast that we had together. So thank you very much.

SPEAKER_03 53:12

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 53:13

Yeah. Um, so if people want to find more about you, where could they do that?

SPEAKER_03 53:19

So I am still updating my website, but it is kalyani speaks.com. I'm on LinkedIn, very active on LinkedIn and Instagram, not so much on Facebook, but I do check my messages every day. So Facebook is there too. Kalyani Pradeshi on LinkedIn and Facebook, and Instagram is KalyaniSpeaks049.

SPEAKER_00 53:38

Okay. Let's see if we can get some people in contact with you because I think these presentations and these methods need to be taught quite a bit.

SPEAKER_03 53:48

Thank you so much, Courtney. Appreciate you.

SPEAKER_00 53:51

Of course, appreciate you too. So for everybody who's listened and gave us your time and your energy, the two most precious resources another human being can give to another human being. I want to thank you, and I appreciate every single one of us, or every single one of you, for giving us that. And it's been a great session today, and I hope everyone enjoys this episode. Thank you.