Ep. 35 - What Is Missing In Life Being a Functional Alcoholic

What does it look like when someone spends decades performing function while quietly falling apart on the inside?

Brad Walsh grew up in a small Illinois town where drinking was woven into every family occasion, and by sixth grade he was already the ringleader with a box of liquor and a habit of filling bottles back up with water. What followed was decades of being the life of every party and the loneliest person in the room. Ski weekends, bartending shifts, a short marriage, OWIs, a boot camp in Montana, a stint at ASU, and a seizure in the middle of a trade show floor in Chicago. Through all of it, Brad held onto one identity above everything else: functional alcoholic. He could do the work, ace the class, show up. He just couldn't slow down long enough to ask himself why he was running so fast.

The intervention that eventually changed things didn't feel like a turning point. It felt like a trap. Brad walked into what he thought was a workday and found his parents, his sisters, a close friend, and a stranger all waiting for him around a conference table. He was furious. He left. He came back a week later, not because he was ready, but because the one thing he couldn't afford to lose was his job. What Pam and her team had set in motion became the thread he followed, even when he didn't believe in it yet.

Five years of weekly family coaching calls, treatment at Hazelden's Center City campus, a daily checklist that starts with prayer and ends with Spanish study, and a retreat in Costa Rica that turned into a permanent life. Brad is now engaged, expecting his first child, and living somewhere quieter and truer than he ever imagined reaching.

Some people have to go through all of it before they can finally stop running from themselves.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:01

Welcome to the Resilient Butterfly Podcast. My goal is to share inspiring stories of healing and recovery through many diverse approaches and models. Our guests bring incredible lived experiences, insights, andor professional expertise, each with their own unique path. While we highlight and celebrate these stories, our intention is to inform, inspire, and demonstrate resilience and creativity. This podcast does not endorse any one approach. We believe there is more than one way to heal, and we're here to showcase the resilience and possibilities that exist. Welcome to Resilient Butterfly. My name is Pam Feinberg-Ripkin, your host. And today, as my guest, I have, I'm so excited to have with me Brad Walsh, who, as a young boy, started alcohol, drinking alcohol, and just really had a challenging life up until 2021, where he was intervened by Fiber Consulting. And we will talk about how that all went and we'll start with really his tiny life as a boy.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Absolutely. Thanks for having me, Dan. Glad to be here.

SPEAKER_03 1:34

Sure. And just so everyone knows, Brad is in Costa Rica. He used to live in Chicago, and throughout this uh transition of his life, he is has decided to be in Costa Rica living. And that's part of the story. So, Brad, as a young boy, you started drinking alcohol at the age of 12. And what inspired you to take that first drink?

SPEAKER_00 2:03

I don't know what it was that inspired me to take the first drink. Um I know that my family were Irish, it's a Walsh, we're an Irish heritage, we're pretty proud of our drinking. Um it was a it was around on all the family occasions. Again, I don't think it was my parent, you know, I didn't think it was the cool thing to do. I just thought it was the adult thing to do. It was the next thing to do. Everyone drank. I mean, it any kind of activity, it was a funeral we drank, a birthday party we drank, graduation dry. I mean, it was just anything. So it just seemed logical. Um, it just was the next thing. Um, but there was absolutely there was no one, you know, kind of encouraging me. I was, I was, I was the one doing the encouragement.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

Were you drinking behind everyone's back? Was it a secret?

SPEAKER_00 2:57

Um yeah, well, it started off my folks. My folks only drank beer in the house, but they had a liquor cabinet underneath the basement, underneath the cubby hole, and I knew what it was. So that's where it started. A box of booze, and I think I went through the whole box in a year, you know. I mean it was the typical. You drank some, you filled it back up with water.

SPEAKER_03 3:23

The trick. Did you have other friends that were drinking with you?

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Yeah, I was I in my mind, I was certainly the ringleader because I had I had the box of booze, uh, and at that time that was the place to get it. Um but yeah, it was all my friends started drinking with me for sure.

SPEAKER_03 3:46

And where did that alcohol at the age of 12, how much were you drinking, and where did it start to lead to?

SPEAKER_00 3:59

I I would say that my drinking took off very fast. Um I I'm a pretty smart kid, and and and whenever I didn't have to use my brain and I could get away with kind of screwing off, I would. So that was anytime. Um, and like I said, it picked up quick. I I'm not sure what age 12 is, but I know it progressed, and I did get caught drinking in school at it in sixth grade. So I mean, it was it kind of took over. Um, and and I loved it. I mean, I I it was an instant love. I I thought it made everything better.

SPEAKER_03 4:43

And your mind did so you caught were caught drinking at the in sixth grade. You're obviously your parents were called. I would assume your parents were called and they were aware at that point. Um, were were there any changes in that alcohol intake, or were did it escalate or or or reduce or you know, at that time, I I was it wasn't Chicago, it was on the opposite side of the state.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

So Galena, Illinois, which is really small, 3,600 people. Okay. So my class in sixth grade, I think was 75 people. So yeah, it was a big deal. This was the science teacher, he was the head of student council. So he brought us, the six bad kids, all the parents in. I mean, we had a discussion. And at that time, um it it kind of in my mind was he the teacher was Mr. Small, but I think that he thought they nipped it in the bud. You know, he caught it before it happened, he brought all the people together, he explained, you know, the problems, what it could lead to. And in my mind, I didn't hear any of it. I heard, I got caught this time. What do I have to do better next time to not get caught? So, in my mind, at that point, you know, uh, it wasn't a mental decision. I didn't say I was gonna go down the bad road, but you know, I didn't go for student counsel, I didn't start going playing sports, I went for drinking and and and and I just went towards that side. So I kind of made up my choice in sixth grade that you know partying was that that's who I was, that's what that's who I was going to be. Um so yeah, it was a big deal. Um but I think it didn't change anything. I know it didn't change anything for me. I wasn't done.

SPEAKER_03 6:39

So um, did it change anything for your friends, or they just followed you along the same way?

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Um, I would say at that time, so sixth grade, um, sixth grade, seventh and eighth grade, Galena was a huge football school. So at seventh grade, you could start playing football for the school, be a part of the team. I mean blue and blue and and and and white ran the town. That was the school colors. And a lot of them chose to play the football route and went the football route. I did not go the football route. So my friends did change. And then, like I said, Galena was a very small school and it sets you off seventh grade football, eighth grade football, you're in high school. I mean, you're that's that that's what the school is about in my mind. So at that time, I decided I was how can I get away from Galena? And that's when I went to Dubuque, which is a school a half an hour away across the river in Iowa, the big school, you know, and then that got me out of my small town. Um, so was that your choice?

SPEAKER_03 7:46

You wanted to do that, and your parents went along with you?

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Yes, my parents did give us the choice. So it was staying galena um and be a part of that, or it was a private Catholic school. So they did give us that option. With the caveat in my parents' mind, was it was a bigger school, private. It, you know, it it would probably be better to get into private colleges and so forth. So, in my parents' mind, it was an opportunity to further my education. For me, it was the big ticket to the big city. I could get farther away from Galena, I get more space meant more time, you know. So it was in their mind, I would think it was a great decision that set him up for college. And in my mind, it was, whoa, I can't wait. You know, I don't even know what the big city has to offer. And and that was a choice of mine. So um, and it was kind of it was it was a big deal because I mean, you were leaving all of your 75 closest people in Galena, you were leaving that crew and you're and you were branching out, so it did create a wall, you know, whether that was imaginative or not, there was a wall in between those friends and and and new possibilities.

SPEAKER_03 9:10

Sure. And you just hung out with the other new crowd that at uh the private school.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Well, honestly, at this time there was a lot going on with me. About in that time, I was also skiing um uh competitively. So I was traveling every weekend to ski, and and and and that even opened up more doors because now I was hanging out with kids in Madison, Wisconsin, and you know, in in upper peninsula of Michigan. So I was traveling every weekend, and I got to uh to really hang out with the top athletes from all the different areas, and we'd all I mean it was a party, it was a ski, the ski school. I mean, it was a party every weekend. We had a race on a different mountain, but we just would just party, you know, and go to a different town. So I honestly I didn't really even hang out with the people in at the new school because I was a new kid, and yet I was too cool for the old school, so I was terribly lonely. And then my friends that I had that I partied with on the weekends were all great and were my best friends, but that was only Friday, Saturday, half a Sunday because we had to drive back home to school. So ultimately, I was creating all of these absolutely fantastic friendships with certain people, but they weren't friendships, they were more um surplus-level, they were acquaintances, and and and and and really the drinking continued and it was daily, you know, and and here I was not having connections or friends with anybody, but going around and everybody loved Brad Walsh, you know, and coming, you know, and it was just like the the party started, you know. But then I would leave and they wouldn't see that how we could just you know, I was lonely. I was just lonely, and and and booze was my best friend, you know, and it it seemed to lubricate everything, give me and help me be the person that I wanted to portray to everybody else.

SPEAKER_03 11:20

Sure. How and you went uh you wit did go to college though, right? At some point.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

So yeah, I'm kind of jumping around, and that's fine, you know. Um, but yeah, I I ended up, I got in trouble. I didn't end up graduating from that school. I I got a couple OWIs and then I transferred to a boot camp up in Montana, and I and I and I and I was there.

SPEAKER_03 11:45

How old were you there at the boot camp?

SPEAKER_00 11:48

It was a year and a half, so it was the summer between my sophomore and junior year, and we just we I got set, it was between the state and my folks, and basically they had the the opportunity to say it's either death, jail, or this boot camp. And my parents just said, boot camp, you know. So I went to that boot camp from 16 and a half to 18. I did not graduate the boot camp, um, the school, the rehab, whatever you want to call it. At 18, I got a ticket and I went straight to Arizona State. At that time, because I didn't graduate, my folks wouldn't let me come back home, and there was no financial assistance. So the the the the school, it was either you graduate the school or you get one bus ticket to wherever you want. Really?

SPEAKER_03 12:42

Oh, that was from your parents.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

That was from the school.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

Oh, from the school, okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

The school, the school had a zero. I mean, if you didn't graduate, work your way up through the rehab program, you couldn't leave on good terms. If you didn't leave on good terms, they would give you one bus ticket. That was it. So at 18, it was colder than heck in Montana. I was like, I'm going to ASU because at the time ASU was ranked the number one party school in the nation. Of course, it was straight to ASU.

SPEAKER_03 13:15

But you didn't graduate. How would you have been able to get into ASU?

SPEAKER_00 13:19

I didn't graduate the program. So the program was a rehab program, but you could take school at it. It was like basically like you took school at nighttime um uh through online. So I did graduate high school, I didn't graduate the program.

SPEAKER_02 13:37

Got it.

unknown 13:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

So with that agreement, I could get into college. Like I said, I have good grades. I mean, the the the means school wasn't difficult for me, you know. So I was able to get into ASU. Um, got down to ASU. I have nothing.

SPEAKER_03 13:55

How did you even pay for tuition? You didn't have any or live.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

So my folks helped with school. Um, my they had to pay for everything because I didn't have any money. I I don't know. I honestly I don't know. Um, but I know I couldn't go home and so I went to SU. Um, my parents did pay for college, that was part of the thing. My mom was the first person to graduate from her family from college, so big deal for our families to go to college. You know, so education was they would pay for, but it was like they would help me pay for it, but they didn't have my blessing or something like this. You know, I'm I'm not positive, to tell you the truth. But that's where I went. ASU did not last long. I mean, uh that that went from rehab, absolutely no contact with the outside world. I mean, they didn't let us have cell phones, you didn't watch TV, couldn't read the newspaper, couldn't call anybody, to now I'm at ASU. Wow. I can have whatever I want.

SPEAKER_03 15:03

That's a huge difference. Then you were there a year and a half. That's a long time.

SPEAKER_00 15:07

I was in Montana for a year and a half of that rehab. Um, in the middle of nowhere, in in little boats, and my little crew, we had to walk in line. I mean, couldn't couldn't look at girls, we couldn't talk on the phone. I mean, it was it was a boot camp, you know. Um, that to ASU was a big change.

SPEAKER_03 15:25

So were you alcohol-free at the boot camp completely for a year and a half?

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Yes, a hundred percent. You it was still in the middle of nowhere. It was Thompson Falls, Montana, which is literally in the middle of nowhere. So, I mean, the school was they locked your shoes up at night. I mean, you they they locked you. I mean, it was it was a boot camp. You were in the middle of nowhere. You couldn't, you couldn't run. You couldn't you couldn't run. There was people that tried and they ended up in in Mexico or in Russia, but yeah, it was a real deal. It was the real deal boot camp. And um, but yeah, I went I went from there to ASU, and then ask you honestly, it was just it was too big. I mean, I I and I was drinking way too much, and I mean waking up in Mexico, waking up in Las Vegas. I mean, it was like I I it was scary, and that lasted for six months for one semester. I didn't even think I went to class. Um, but yeah, then I had to go home. I I my parents, that's the reason I had to go home. My parents said they're not paying for college anymore if I'm not going. So I moved home.

SPEAKER_03 16:42

Fair enough. What happened when you moved home?

SPEAKER_00 16:46

Um, so when I moved home, I still didn't care. So I lost my license at 16 or 17. I didn't have a license, moved to Arizona, came back. I really didn't care. I I wasn't giving up drinking, but I didn't have a license. So it was like, I'm not drinking and driving, so it doesn't matter, you know? And then um I was at the defiant stage where this is who I was, and I'm just gonna make it work. And it got even lonelier because at that time all my friends were starting to go to college, and then here I was back at home, a loser with nothing. Uh, then my father allowed me to get a job with him and my uncle and my uncle, and I started working at the gondola train, um, living in my parents' basement and working. That was it. Uh, that was it. I would say progression, I still wasn't giving up drinking, but it progressed. And my mom was just like, you know, Brad, I worked and I went to school at nighttime. You know, I did it and I had kids. You can do this. I know you don't know what you want to do with your life, but um the school that she went to was offering, you know, a tuition, like a discount for you know, alumni. So I was able to get into the time saver program at Clark, which is a local college, and I went to school for five to ten at night, working for my dad and my uncle from what eight to four, and then five to ten at night. And I just did that.

SPEAKER_03 18:23

I just did that, and again, um and you were drinking all through work and school.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Absolutely drinking. I mean, that was so after after a little while of working full-time, I was working full-time and and and and going to school, I ended up getting a couple other jobs working. I was a server, uh bartender. So I had three jobs and I was going to school. So I had money and and I was just drinking whenever I whenever I could get away with it. So I was drinking at work. I was drinking at school, definitely drinking at school. Um But you know, at the same time, I I was in my mind I could fool myself and be a functional alcoholic. You know, like that's that that is what I hung my hat on. I can I can I could be loaded and I could go to class and I could ask good questions and I could, you know, I could be there being personally.

SPEAKER_03 19:24

I just read something about a question, you know, what is a functional alcoholic? You know, and and in our in our world, everyone says, well, it's an alcoholic that can go through work and and family, et cetera, et cetera. And what are the downsides of the what were you leaving out of your life by being just an functional alcoholic?

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Well, I mean, that is ultimately the culmination. I know we had time, but we'll just shrink it down. I mean, ultimately, um, that was that was the question that was asking myself. I mean, it was like, yeah, I was doing it. I was I was getting drunk all the time. I was I graduated school, I was working, you know, like I was doing all those things, but at the end of the day, I was miserable. I was so broken on the inside. I mean, and and so I struggled with that for a long time as a function in alcoholic because again, it was my identity. So I I that's what I hung my hat on. I was the alcoholic, I was the person that could drink 60 beers and wake up at five o'clock in the morning and work out and then go to work. You know, I could do that, and and but I wasn't my best, I wasn't operating at my best, I could do it, and and that's who I was. So to answer your question, a functioning alcoholic is someone can on the outside, it looks like they got it all together and is a member of society, you know. I I I would say that that's my definition. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 21:04

So for those that are listening that are in the position that you had has have been in, um, what would you say to them in regard to being a functional alcoholic? What's what are they missing?

SPEAKER_00 21:19

So and and actually this this answer is starting to come to me. So I mean it's it's it's something that I'm still working on, but a lot of the times when when I was going, this is the perfect example. So I have a therapist that I see, and and she would always there's Linda, and Linda would always ask me, she's like, Brad, why are you running so fast? And and and she's like, in my experience, whenever I see someone running that fast, they're either running towards something or running from something. And I couldn't answer that question. I said, I'm not running, there's not a one goal that I need to get. There's One thing that I'm just running because that's the only thing I know how to do. And what do you I'm not running from anything either? So why am I running? And that's the question. It's like if I'm filling up all my time doing things, getting drunk, blah blah blah. What about me? And so I would, I would, I would really say, slow down, slow down a little bit, and and and pause. I gotta pause. Pause for a minute and ask yourself some questions of why are you running so fast? You know, um and and for me, it was because I was scared of silence. I was scared of sitting alone. I was scared of all those things. So for me, I was running through fear. You know, I was just scared of everything. I was scared, I didn't know who I was. And but but when you're in that cycle, you don't know. It's so hard. So it's it's it I don't know how you get yourself out.

SPEAKER_03 23:02

So you did get married at one point. How was that even possible as an alcoholic? Or was you know, was that part of just life?

SPEAKER_00 23:17

Well, to me, honestly, when I look back at it, it was just it, it that's was that's what was next, that was what was expected of, you know, it's like you get a job, you get a wife, you complain about your wife, she's always nagging you down, you have some kids, and that's what you do. And and for me, it's like that's kind of the process, you know. It was it was it was a great excuse. She was she was she wasn't a drinker, you know, so it's like she made me not look like such a drinker, and I could hide behind it, and I think it was all for Shaw, you know, it was just all for I'm okay, you know, I'm okay. I'm doing doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and and it it just it was it it was short-lived. I think it was a 12-month marriage. So I mean, the it didn't work. Um when I just remember, you know, it's like I would have a workout bag in my in the bathroom. I'd come home and put the workout bag in the bath, and and I remember the one that I would go in to brush my teeth and I'd slam that gate, come back in, go to bed. She's like, what is going on with you? And and and she so she found out, and and and it's just like it was it was awful. It was it was a brutal, it was just it was a mess. It was just a mess.

SPEAKER_03 24:54

Um, and you were still working with your your dad and your uncle at the same time, right?

SPEAKER_00 25:00

Yeah, at some point in there, my dad my uncle left, he retired, and then it was just me and my dad. So, yes, it was just me and my dad working. Um, and I was actually the first one of my siblings to get married. So, I mean, it was one of those surprises, like, well, maybe he is growing up, and I mean, you know, again, it was just one of those things I I young and stupid, and and but I thought I was in love. I mean, I I thought that's what I wanted, and and I thought that she could potentially change me, you know, or or what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02 25:45

She probably thought she could change you. That's that happens a lot as well.

SPEAKER_00 25:50

Yeah, yeah, and probably so. And and at the end of the day, I mean, it's just there's a lot of hurt that happened because of the drinking that that I was doing. I mean, and and I think that's a shame of the whole thing. I mean, I've always thought that drinking was just me. Just leave me alone. I'm not driving anymore, just leave me alone. I'll get as was as I want. And and and the problem is it's just like you affect so many people, and it's just it's it's carnage, you know, it's just carnage.

SPEAKER_03 26:22

It's hurtful for families and loved ones because for them to watch it, you know, they know the potential in you, they knew the potential in you. So you did put yourself in rehab at some point in where in Wisconsin?

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Yeah, so I found out about this rehab, and it's up in the Green Bay area. Essentially, it was a it was a post knit bunch of people, and they bought this gazillionaire's house, and they just they had their rehab in there. It was and and and and the reason I put that in there was I I just wanted to show that it's like me, my ego is running the whole thing. And again, you know, it's like I'm a functional alcoholic, I'm gonna pay for my rehab, I'm gonna, I'm gonna quit because I said I'm you know, I'm ready and all this balarky, you know. And and the thing is, I did go to rehab and I stayed for 30 days, and I thought after 30 days, I showed them. I stayed clean for 30 days, I'm good. They wanted me to stay, I'm not spending any more money, I'm fixed, you know, and it's just I put it in there just so you could see that the ego was running the whole show. And yeah, so I did go to rehab, and I was very proud that I paid for it out of my own money, and I was getting clean by myself, and it was it was nice, and it was a be it was a glimpse, a glimpse, and actually it was really scary because like the first three days was the first time I had been sober in ever, you know, and I blacked out. I don't remember what happened those first three days, and they're saying I fell down the stairs, I was standing on the toilet, I knocked over. I mean, it was like I I don't remember it, but it was my it was the first time I was cleaned out, my body was cleaned out since I was 12, you know. I would think. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:26

So you got a glimpse of you got a glimpse of what it could be. How did it feel during the time that you were sober?

SPEAKER_00 28:35

Um so when I first started dancing around sobriety, the biggest, the biggest thing for me was the the FOMO, the fear of missing out, you know, and that just drove me nuts. It was like I was there for 30 days, and how many parties did I miss, and how many thirty, you know, and it was just like it was killing me. And and again, I was struggling with my identity. So it's like I I affiliated me hanging out with other people, having a good time. That was that was that was that was it for me, you know. So it was honestly, it just drove me nuts because it was like it just reminded me how much I liked party life.

SPEAKER_03 29:19

Um, so when you got out, you started drinking right away.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

I don't know. I can't recollect if it was right away. I would imagine it was within a week. I mean honestly, honestly, the the what would make it was whenever I could get away with it.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

That was that was the absolute truth.

SPEAKER_03 29:43

I would think there were enough to ask as much as you were drinking from the age of 12 until you went into rehab then, or maybe even in more recently in 2021, what what year was that when you first went to rehab? Do you remember the year?

SPEAKER_00 30:01

Oh, I do not know. I would say probably no, I don't know. I don't know. 19, 18, you know.

SPEAKER_03 30:10

Okay. Um, so I lost my train of thought here. Um, did you have physical symptoms in your body? And were there tests done to show that maybe you had fatty liver or you had any type of physical symptoms related to the chronic use of alcohol?

SPEAKER_00 30:31

Yeah, so I towards the end of 20, you know, before the the uh the intervention, I was working the trade show in Chicago, and I drank the night before, but I didn't drink that day. So I was at Chicago, five o'clock in the morning, setting up the show. At three o'clock, we we left the show because our booth is set up, and I was walking out of the show, and there's 30,000 people walking out of the show, walking out, and I just blacked out, boom, dropped in the middle of everybody. But I was so lucky that there were so many people that there was cross guards there, and there was a guy picked me up, had me in a hospital, and I was in the hospital within like five minutes. So I had a seizure. Um, yes, honestly, when I got tested, I had a toenail fungus, and I went in to get a toenail fungus of medicine, and to get a medicine for toenail fungus, they had to test your blood. Well, when they tested my blood to give me this medicine, they said, Absolutely not, you can't do this. Your liver enzymes are through the roof, you know. And they and they showed me the the three, and they are you an alcoholic, you know, and I'm like, I drink, but I'm just a heavy drinker, you know. They're like, No, I this you you, you know, and and and I remember I remember it being intense, but I I didn't care. It was like I didn't care. And I remember my dad was in the in the room with me because it was his doctor that gave me the report. He's like, dude, if you don't stop drinking, you're gonna die. You're gonna die, and everybody's gonna die, you know. Like, who cares, you know? And sad, it's sad to say that, but I mean, I didn't care, so yeah, there was physical things. I mean, I still have trouble with balance. I mean, I lost my balance when I was at Karen, they did test me for all you know the brain, you know, stuff, and there there was certainly things that were missing. My liver enzymes have come back. Um, but yeah, it was it was pretty scary.

SPEAKER_03 32:44

Yeah. Yeah, but as an alcoholic, you tend to not believe that it's still so detrimental to your well-being, and let alone your life and death situation. And um, it's just one of the unfortunate consequences of being an alcoholic. You don't have blinders, so you don't really see something that everyone else is pointing, excuse me, pointing out to you on.

SPEAKER_00 33:14

Well, the thing was, I knew I was an alcoholic. I knew I was a heavy drinker, I didn't care. You know, my my honestly, and this is really disgusting, but it's like I thought that if I worked hard enough, I could make enough money, I could buy another liver. I mean, that was that was a logical next step for me. It was just like, I know I'm gonna burn through this one, I'm probably gonna burn through it faster than you know by 50, I'm gonna need a new liver. Borsha, you know, so you were gonna buy a new liver.

SPEAKER_03 33:47

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

That was it, you know. I mean, and that's that's how how how twisted things could get. Because to me, when I hear that now, it's like, who do you think you are? You know, and and it's embarrassing to say it, but yeah, at that time it was it was it was just that was what would that's what had to happen for me to continue, you know.

SPEAKER_03 34:09

So did your seizure lead up to what how when was that actually before the intervention?

SPEAKER_00 34:17

How soon before I would say that would have been a couple months. So after that happened, again, after after it happened, my mom, after the the nurse told everybody it's because I was drinking, I said, Mom, I didn't drink, I hadn't drank in that day. That's it's not because of the booze, I don't know what it is. Well, it was because the booze is out of my mind, right? You know, and again, so it's what you tell yourself.

SPEAKER_03 34:41

So you didn't do a safe detox, you just stopped drinking and seizures, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:47

So in my mind, it was just like, okay, but I gotta keep going. And I think the the seizure was the red flag in my mom's mind that something had to change. Um, I don't know if it was a few months, six months before, but it was definitely one of the catalysts that happened to get this intervention.

SPEAKER_03 35:08

Do you know how long the family I mean and I haven't asked the team how this all was put together and um and the intervention. So whatever you're comfortable in describing and what you do know or remember, that would be really great for people to actually have it firsthand from somebody that went through an intervention. And and how long were the famil what did before the family contacted Feinbird Consulting?

SPEAKER_00 35:38

I don't know anything anything about that. So I just talk about my experience. Sure. My experience was on Saturday morning, my mom was like, hey Brad, stop the office. We got some stuff to go over. I said, Hey, you know, no big deal. Grabbed, just jumped out into my truck, drove to work. And when I got to work, who was in the conference office, some guy. Both my sisters from Montana in Colorado, my parents and one of my close girlfriends were all sitting at the conference table. I was just like, I thought we wanted to work today. If we're gonna party, why didn't you know? Like what well, it wasn't a party. They sat me down, they said, you know, they all read their letters, and I was through the roof. I was, I was, I was, I was mad. I I don't remember the guy's name. I wanted to call him Bob Anderson, but I don't remember that. But I just I just remember who who is this guy telling me what I have to do? And he's got my parents on my side, and I was so angry. I was I was just angry. I was I was I felt alone. I felt backed in the corner. So the intervention for me was not pleasant, it sucked. And I remember I was like, and they gave me a hard line, right? I mean, they said you gotta go, and you know, this this is it. Now I'm going. Um, and I just started thinking about it. And my parents, and I'm not ashamed of this because you know, I'm in the program, and and a lot of times how you get there is you know, you could get a note from the judge, you know, and it's like however you get there doesn't matter. Right. My my parents were going, I only had one thing in my life, and that was work. It was my job, it was everything, you know. Um, and my parents said that if I didn't clean up, I could no longer work for them. And I I mean, I how could they take that away from me? I worked hard, I mean, I I earned it. Um so begrudgingly, begrudgingly, I said, I'll go. I'll go.

SPEAKER_03 38:05

And I think how long after you had left, did you actually decide?

SPEAKER_00 38:09

I think it was a week. Uh-huh. I think it was a week. It was it was definitely four or five days. And then when I made the call, there was another three or four days to get, you know, like whatever. So it was like it was probably a week and a half, week and a half from the intervention to when I jumped on the plane. Um, yeah, and and and for me, okay. So I've been to the the Montana boot camp. I've been to, you know, I've been to the rehab. So it's like I can do this. And and and at that time, again, Pam, I'll be honest, I wasn't done. This was this was this was just another thing for me to appease, so I could whatever I have to do to keep working, you know, whatever I have to do. So um, but I went, you know, I went. And um then I got I was down in Karen. So that was that was a that was a that was the first Karen rehab that I ever been to, you know. The boot camp wasn't even a rehab, that was a boot camp. Yeah, um, and the rehab that I went to in Wisconsin was so posh. I mean, we had a five-star personal chef all day, 24 hours a day. You bought the best, yeah, whenever you want the mini thing, and then Karen was like, okay, you know, you get a hundred dollars a week and you have to buy your groceries, you know. So it was honestly, it just it humbled me, it broke me, um, and it made me aware of how easily things can be taken away, you know. Um, and with that realization, that that was one change that happened, you know. It was, I said to myself, I will never be in a position where someone, if they don't like the way that I live, can take away from me just because they don't like it. And and whether it be right or wrong, you know, that it's it's it's one of those things that it changed me, you know. It was it was it was definitely against my will. I definitely got pushed, but I didn't it it I was so caught up in the anger and the anger and the blackout. I mean, I was just a mess that I couldn't see. And and what Karen gave me the opportunity to see is that I'm not I don't no one owes me anything, you know, no one owes me a thing. And and and and and it just made everything real, you know, and whether that be from the staff at Karen, meeting being with the people at Karen, you know, like just the actually talking to people. I mean, I was so young. I mean, I remember going to Karen, and again, I'm we haven't even talked about the the good part of this, you know. We're getting there, we're getting but but it's like I seen things that I didn't see, I I've never seen, you know, like guys that were out of brown paper bags shooting heroin. I mean, it's so it's like things can get really bad, yeah. You know, and and and that's when I I just started this. I mean, I was I had everything back home, and here I am down in in Florida with nothing, with nothing, and and and essentially I'd start my life and build it back, you know.

SPEAKER_03 41:45

And um how long into treatment at Karen do you think you started to accept that this is a way of life that would improve your life?

SPEAKER_00 42:00

I wasn't at Karen, it was long after Karen.

SPEAKER_03 42:03

Long, okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:04

So I went through Karen, and then even when I got out of Karen, we had the the program set up for me not to fail, you know. So I had to keep going, hey, I had a physical, not a physical, but a psychologist, psychologist, health coach, and then I had um I had a blow in the breathalyzer three times a day for a year. Um, so I was begrudging, I was begrudged on that. Um, and and uh I would say honestly, I got through Karen, I got through home, I got through a year of blowing this thing every every eight hours, and then once once I got over that, I still wasn't done, you know, or it didn't believe or didn't buy into. I was sober, but I wasn't buying into it. And honestly, it was we it was a family business. We got to towards the end and we decided we were gonna sell the company. My my father and I were gonna sell the company, my dad was getting retirement, and honestly, they did they weren't sure on my sobriety yet, and they weren't sure if they could hang their retirement on me because you know, if I go off the deep end, they're gonna have to do something different with retirement. It was a hard truth, a very hard truth to hear, but it was one of those where this is over. What are you going to do? And that's when I started asking myself, like, really, it's like, I can go back to drinking. I can, you know, it's it's it's right there, but is that what I want? And and I I mean, when I I went to that um retreat down in in Costa Rica, and they and they the intention was who have I become? And I started asking myself. Who have I become? And here I'm I'm thinking in my head, I'm this great boss, I'm a fantastic brother, a great friend. Well, I start looking at it. It's like my sisters live in Colorado and Montana. I haven't been to visit my one in Colorado ever. The one sister in in Montana, it's been seven years. I'm a great brother. Truthfully, and not and not unkindly, but just who have I become? And it's like I didn't like what I seen. I I didn't I didn't like how I was shocked, I was angry, and I didn't, I didn't, you know, and in my mind, I'm this nice guy, and and who I am action-wise isn't that nice, you know, doesn't have time to take a phone call. If you're not on my schedule, you're not gonna talk to me, you know. So it was just like I didn't like that, and that was the process. I mean, I I just I I'm not out of it.

SPEAKER_03 44:58

So I know that Amy with Feimber Consulting has been coaching you in this, and she recommended the uh program in Costa Rica, right? Um as a transition uh to to have go through some sort of um retreat to or intensive to determine to see where you are, right?

SPEAKER_00 45:20

Well, so Amy, how Amy got into the mix when I when I left the program, Amy L Karen, Amy was uh helping our family with Aftercare. She was helping implement like when when my parents have a party, how do they react when I come in, everybody's drinking, and no, you know, it's like so it was just a help for the entire family. Um that's continued to this day. So it's on five years every Friday.

SPEAKER_03 45:47

That's amazing. You know how many families do not do that? And I want to go back and say that's a very uh foundation of probably why are you why you're at where you are now, because you've gone through all of this time with your family and coaching, which strengthens your sobriety and strengthens really your relationships, right?

SPEAKER_00 46:15

It it has done so much for a family. I mean, that's the thing. It's like my my getting sent to rehab helped bring our family together so much more. We talk every week and we talk about things because you don't talk about why did you drink, not normally, but but we do it because I'm scared to be someone's gonna see the real me or whatever. So it just makes our conversations that much deeper, and it really kind of gets rid of the BS, and we can talk about our actual emotions, our feelings, what's important to us. And you know, I mean, ultimately that's that that's the choice, right? You can have the choice of alcohol and and fun, or you can work hard and be have connections and live with love, be held accountable. It's like, which one do you want? You know, and and at the end of the day, I mean that's when when when people say you have to make the decision for yourself.

SPEAKER_03 47:22

It is a decision that you have to make for yourself, but I don't want to discount just going through the motions, you know, and and and and and and going every day because you just show up, and that's who you and then who know, I don't know when that change happened because something happened five years ago, and who I am today, where what happened, you know, and it's like and it is a process, and and even though you walked out of that room that day of the intervention, I am certain that those letters were so heartfelt coming from your family that made you start thinking a little bit more about your relationship with them, relationships with other people. But um, I know how some of those letters go with family members, and they are to the heart, you know, the core, where a lot of times we don't say as family members what we want to say or need to say until it's somebody says, Hey, can you write this down?

SPEAKER_00 48:28

You know, on the I was so angry at that meeting. I'm I'm not sure I heard them, but it's them opening up, it's kind of like the door, right? It they they open the door, and how far it opens is up to you. And it's like that was a sliver, you know, and and that's what I opened up into. That's that's the love. That's that's that's what I said yes to. I said yes to that, you know, and and you're right. And I think the important part about staying on the journey is is to reread those letters in times when hey, you know, that beer looks pretty good. You know, it's like those are the things that you have to set up with a good program, you know, if you have a healthy relationship with your higher power. I mean, those are the things that you have to implement every day to remind you, you're to remind you that you don't want to go down that, you know. So you're right, they're incredibly important.

SPEAKER_03 49:32

So now, today you're engaged, getting married, baby on the way.

SPEAKER_01 49:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 49:39

It's so exciting, and you have a full life of you talk about love. Um, you mentioned that just a few minutes ago. Now you have the love of your life and a baby who, you know, when this baby is born is going to be so incredible in your eyes. Um, you are sober that you can't, you will be present to this baby and to your wedding and your marriage and um and what adverse support you continue to get throughout the process because it can be a lot, it is a lifetime process for all of us, whether we are alcoholic, substance use disorder, drug with drugs, or anything. We as human beings need a process to continue to grow in ourselves to understand where we've been and where do we want to be. And being present instead of running is one of the first steps, right?

SPEAKER_00 50:44

Yeah, there, I mean, and and that's that's the key right there. Is it's it's not a destination of you're sober, you're just gonna be good. You know, it's the practice, it's the practice of being sober, it's the journey of being sober that leads. I didn't plan on being Gosta Rico. Not at all. Not even not even at all. But the thing is, once you open yourself up and you allow things to happen, it's beautiful how it can unfold. And it can unfold, and that's why I say it's a it's so important not to be fixated on the destination because along the journey you might have a different one that's even better, you know. So it's like, yeah, for me, the whole thing is it's turning my life into everyday practice of being so hard. So it's it's really it's it's it's it's it's a beautiful thing, but it's it's a full-time job. Like, you know, I'm I'm a retired, but that's what I do. I I I just I just work on myself. I do things that make me happy, that make me feel good, that that inspire me, you know, and that's what I do, you know, and I have to do that every day or else I'll I'll just get stagnant and I could go backwards.

SPEAKER_03 51:59

I don't want to, but yeah, it's a daily practice for sure. So speaking of practice, can you before we leave, can you um let others know what is it in your life that you're pract? I mean, every day, what are some of the things that you do, your tools that you do to help yourself stay sober and live the life that is so beautiful?

SPEAKER_00 52:25

So I do have a checklist and I I run through this, I pray, six-ag breakfast, workout, do abs, work out my leg, I broke my leg, protein shake, gratitude, intentions. Um, every day. I read, I floss, and I study Spanish for an hour.

SPEAKER_03 52:42

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 52:43

And they change, right? They change, but it's just consistent. I think the most important is to pray and to write down your your your intention for the day and what you're grateful for. I think those are huge. Um and they can change, you know, it it it they can change, but it's bigger goal. I mean, that that was another thing, but the people in my life living in Costa Rica is a beautiful thing, but it can be lonely, you know. And for me, who has helped me out? And this year, actually, I had this thing where I wrote 10 people that I just why they're important to me, why I would like to continue our conversation and and schedule a phone call once a month, you know. So I have 10 phone calls with 10 people once a month for an hour, and they're mentors, they're my one of them's my my health coach, you know, but they're just people, they're good friends, they're and and and the connections, like where are you at in life, check in, how you doing, and it's just to talk. So to me, holding myself accountable every day with the people I love, it's just you're living your your amends, you know, it's just it's it's a beautiful thing.

SPEAKER_03 54:02

Well, I really appreciate you sharing from the bottom of your heart, your soul. And um every day you make a difference in people's lives by sharing your story, sharing your life, sharing who you are because you're an amazing young man. And uh I wish you all the best. And thank you again for being here. Thank you for joining the conversation today. If you are seeking help for yourself or a loved one, please reach out to our Feinberg Consulting Team at 248-538-5425. That's 248-538-5425. And check out our website at feinbergcare.com. I'm grateful for our guests and all who have joined us today. Make sure you follow us on Apple, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to podcasts.